[Mrs Bee]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

[Auntiemogs]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden."
 

[Growster...]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden."
 

I just love that story Mogs!

Excellent!

[snowdrops]

  :lol:so did I

[ESguy]

 

A man shopping in a big supermarket with his wife when they get separated. He goes up and down the aisles, round and round, can't see her anywhere. Starts to think she must've left the shop and gone home without him.
Then he sees a really beautiful young woman and goes to speak to her. "Excuse me, could I talk you you for a few minutes?"
"Um, I don't know" she says, "why?"
"I've lost my wife somewhere in the store, and whenever I talk to a beautiful woman she always appears out of nowhere"

[Chrysalis]

Marriage is like a deck of cards:  You start off with two hearts and a diamond, end up wishing you had a club and a spade!

What's the difference between a marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and hits (the target), while the other........

Sorry, I'll put meself on the norty step...

[ESguy]

 

[JayG]

There's another one like that:

What's the difference between a new-born baby and a seagull?

One flits across the shore.......

[aelf]

and a slightly cleaner one...

What's the difference between a church bell and a thief?

One peals from the steeple...

 

[lacewing]

what's the difference between pea soup and roast beef








Anyone can roast beef

[Auntiemogs]

 

[pigeonpie]

I tried salsa dancing this week. Didn't do very well- kept getting my foot stuck in the jar

 

[Auntiemogs]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
 
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
 
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. 

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.....

[Growster...]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
 
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
 
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. 

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.....

Excellent! Ha ha ha!

[SampsonBrass]

Why did the hippy scald his mouth?

Because he drank his coffeee before it was cool, man.