[John]

Brilliant, Springlands

[PennyS]

Wonderful!  This thread really brightens my mornings!

[davethespread]

i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.


                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

[Glosterboy]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all!

[JayG]

i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.
                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

        (Both) my kind of jokes Dave!!

[catllar]

Nelson Mandela was sitting at home having a beer and watching the telly when the doorbell rang. Standing on the step was a small chinese man with a clipboard which he pushed towards Nelson, saying "You sign, you sign". Nelson was a bit perplexed. He looked over the chinese man's shoulder and saw a truck full of car parts. "I'm sorry, but I didn't order this" he said. The chinese man referred to his clipboard and said " Ah - You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[Jamie Butterworth]

i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.


                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

I coudnt stop laughing at the second one

[davethespread]

i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.
                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

        (Both) my kind of jokes Dave!!

i aim to please jay

[davethespread]

jesus once said"love thy neighbour" i bet he did'nt live on a council estate.


                                   *                          *                           *

10 things you never knew about me.

   1)i suffer with narcolepsy

[Jamie Butterworth]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[Jamie Butterworth]

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[Jamie Butterworth]

Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!

[Paul Plots]

Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!

That's daft Jamie.... He'll never see where he's going!! 

[Jamie Butterworth]

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

[Jamie Butterworth]

Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!

That's daft Jamie.... He'll never see where he's going!! 

Obviously they didnt think it through properly