[JayG]

Shortly after I retired I asked a good friend of mine if he thought that doing voluntary work might be a good idea.

His answer: "I wouldn't do that even if you paid me!"

[Yorkie]

Don't worry - I know a certain author who wrote an article, forgot he'd written it and then wrote basically the same article again!   

Did you contradict yourself? 

[Paul Plots]

What have you been smoking?

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight....

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish. 

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me 

[dugless]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in blooming quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No blooming cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a blooming possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how blooming good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 



--

[Raven81]

There were two guys working on the pavements. One would dig a hole. The other would come behind him and fill the hole. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the other side of the road and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."   

[hamstergbert]

What have you been smoking?

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish. 

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me 

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?

[Paul Plots]

What have you been smoking?

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish. 

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me 

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?

This is the fin end of the wedge!!! 
 

[dugless]

The Perfect Comeback
 

 
I took my husband Lou to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 71).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange & blue - and my husband kept  staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my husband staring, every time.

When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my husband, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response - I knew he'd have a good one!

In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

 

 

[John]

That is brilliant - tears of laughter here! 

[dugless]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,  followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[Growster...]

What have you been smoking?

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish. 

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me 

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?

This is the fin end of the wedge!!! 
 

Can I have that in whiting please...?

[JayG]

What have you been smoking?

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish. 

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me 

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?

This is the fin end of the wedge!!! 
 

Can I have that in whiting please...?

I don't think anyone will beat Growster who is obviously a dab hand at fishing jokes (unless he is just being a pollock!)

A joke (honestly!) by someone who as a yoof used to fish off Hastings pier (RIP).   

[Growster...]

Far beit for me to enc roach on your pier fantasies Jay, but you're far too tench at the moment...

I did fish off the pier just once, and got freezzing cold and three something-or-others...!

[Gandan57]

Despite the riots, Tottenham Hotspur have just signed a young Italian striker.

His name is Fabrizio Grabatelli...

[Carolf]

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."