[allot2learn]

FOR SALE! Complete set of encyclopedias! Don't need them anymore as wife knows everything!

[GTFC197]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND                                                     
                                                                           
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A mobile phone on a  bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins  to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.                     
                                                                           
MAN:  "Hello"                                                         
                                                                           
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"                       
                                                                         
MAN: "Yes."         
                                                                   
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"                                 
                                                                           
MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."                         
                                                                                       
WOMAN:  "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."                                               
                                                                           
MAN:  "How much?"     ;                                                   
                                                                           
WOMAN:  "$90,000."                                           
                                                                         
MAN:  "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."           
                                                                           
WOMAN:  "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found
out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$980,000 for it."                                         
                                                                           
MAN:  "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."                                                   
                                                                           
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"                   
                                                                           
MAN:  "Bye! I love you, too."                                         
                                                                           
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.                                           
                                                                           
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[lacewing]

FOR SALE! Complete set of encyclopedias! Don't need them anymore as wife knows everything!

 

[New shoot]

A burglar has just broken into a house and is creeping round when he hears a voice saying 'Beware Jesus watches you'.  He freezes, but nothing happens, so he creeps towards the next room, when he hears it again. 'Beware Jesus watches you'.

Completely freaked out he snaps on his torch and shines it round the room to find a parrot in a cage blinking back at him through the torch beam.  The burglar heaves a sigh of relief, goes over to the cage and says 'What's your name then?'  The parrot replies 'Coco'.  The burglar laughs and says 'That's a stupid name for a parrot to have'.  The parrot looks him straight in the eye and says 'Its not as stupid as naming your pitbull Jesus'

[Goosegirl]

Burglars beware!!!! Wish it were true!

[allot2learn]

The Armstrong family have announced it was Neil's wish to have his ashes scattered at the place where he made history.

"I don't even think we still have that set," a spokesman from MGM studios said.

[slingshot2000]

The Armstrong family have announced it was Neil's wish to have his ashes scattered at the place where he made history.

"I don't even think we still have that set," a spokesman from MGM studios said.

That is VERY naughty and only a LITTLE bit funny  !

I hope nobody needs it explaining!

regards
Jon

[dugless]

Meanwhile back to the jokes

The Lie Detector
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?" "I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits. "Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie: Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
 The robot slaps the mother.

[Welsh Merf]

A man knocks on a door, and it is answered by a young boy wearing a wig, stockings and suspenders, high-heels and make-up.

"Hello, sonny!" says the man. "Is your mum in?"

The young boy answers: "Does it look like it?"

[snowdrops]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

 
The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old * what his name is.' 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 

[lacewing]

 

[angelavdavis]

Well, everyone in Essex can breathe now, as we have found the Essex wildcat in our children's wardrobe this morning.  My 3 year old shouted "Mum!" and I came running.

I asked the wildcat what it was doing in their wardrobe and he replied "Narnia business!"

 

[GTFC197]

 

[allot2learn]

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and the first thing he notices is that the sand on the beach is purple.

He looks up and sees that the trees at the edge of the beach are also purple.

He looks up further and sees the mountains in the distance are also purple.

"Oh my God!" he says "I've been marooned!"

   





. . . and a little purple man ran up and pushed him back in the water, shouting "In di go!"


Taxi......................... 

[Chrysalis]

 

Friday night and this is all we get?? It's about all we're fit for!