[davethespread]

sometimes when i reflect back on all the wine i drink i feel ashamed.
then i look into the glass and think about the workers at the vineyard,and all of their hopes and dreams.
if i did'nt drink this wine,they might be out of work and their hope and dreams would be shattered.
then i say to myself,"its better that i drink this wine and let their hopes and dreams come true,than be selfish and worry about my liver."

                                  *                           *                            *
when i got home last night the wife demanded i took her somewhere expensive.
so i took her to the petrol station.


                                  *                            *                             *

[davethespread]

the liverpool team coach was caught speeding this afternoon,a spokesman said it was the only way we could get three points.

                             *                           *                              *

what goes "ooooooooo"

a cow with no lips

                            *                            *                                *
tough game for liverpool next week.

football

[Bizzi Lizzi]

Love these jokes especially the cow one.

[GTFC197]

Sex at 75!!! 


I took a leaflet out of my letterbox this morning informing me that I can have sex at 75.


I'm so happy because I live at 67, and it's not that far to walk home afterwards!

[wighty]

The oldies are the goodies!

[hamstergbert]

I haven't stuffed my face with chocolate since nineteen fifty seven.  And it is now twenty forty two - almost a quarter to nine.

[Paul Plots]

Sex at 75!!! 


I took a leaflet out of my letterbox this morning informing me that I can have sex at 75.


I'm so happy because I live at 67, and it's not that far to walk home afterwards!

        

[JayG]

Just heard this on "The Weakest Link", so it must be OK! 

A man goes up to a farmhouse, knocks on the door and announces:

"Six of your hens have stopped laying!"

Farmer: "Crikey, how do you know that?"


Man: "I've just run them over in my car."


(Apologies to poultry-people; no hens were hurt during the telling of this joke!)

[davethespread]

liverpool have just made a bid for rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season

[Nige2Plots]

liverpool have just made a bid for rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season

 

[Paul Plots]

Just heard this on "The Weakest Link", so it must be OK! 

A man goes up to a farmhouse, knocks on the door and announces:

"Six of your hens have stopped laying!"

Farmer: "Crikey, how do you know that?"


Man: "I've just run them over in my car."


(Apologies to poultry-people; no hens were hurt during the telling of this joke!)

NOw that's gone and upset someone and I'm in trouble 'cause I laughed!!   

[hamstergbert]

All the eggs keep being mysteriously moved around my kitchen in the middle of the night.

We suspect it is poultrygeist activity.

[Nige2Plots]

The wife says I'm immature........ I said that I was not going to talk about it in the Conker Season!!!!!!!!

[horsepooisgood]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[horsepooisgood]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the editorial room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
________________________________________
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No dodo, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is.....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?