The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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plot6b

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #195 on: March 29, 2010, 21:01 »
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D

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horsepooisgood

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #196 on: March 29, 2010, 22:01 »
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D

Nige, should that have red "That's a short runway"

Mark :tongue2:

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #197 on: March 30, 2010, 08:15 »
500 years ago when men went to war they used to force their wives to wear a chastity belt.therefore,while they were away,the only person who could open these was a locksmith.which i suppose would explain why smith is the most common name in the phone book.
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #198 on: March 30, 2010, 10:23 »
how do you know when a women is about to say something smart?...........when she starts the sentence with the words...a man once told me.

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plum crumble

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #199 on: March 30, 2010, 11:13 »
 :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: to you Dave who is spread
small, Welsh and almost certainly bonkers, but can be tamed with Talisker, if required

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #200 on: March 30, 2010, 12:00 »
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking too much."



Patient: "OK, I'll come back when you're sober then!"
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

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plot6b

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #201 on: March 30, 2010, 18:01 »
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D

Nige, should that have red "That's a short runway"

Mark :tongue2:
O dear I did not have a good day for joke telling :ohmy: :ohmy: Thank you Mark for putting me right :( :(

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #202 on: March 30, 2010, 18:07 »
A man in a hot air balloon,realising he was lost,reduced altitude and spotted a women below.he descended further and shouted to the lady "excuse me,can you help me? i promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago,but i dont know where i am."

"You are in a hot air balloon,hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground,you are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," says the balloonist."actually i am" replied the women,"how did you know."
"well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct,but i've no idea what to make of your information,and the fact is im still lost.Frankly,you've not been much help at all,if anything you have delayed my trip."

the women below responded, "you must be in management." "I am,"replied the balloonist,"but how did you know?"

"Well,"said the women, "you dont know where you are or where your going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.You made a promise,which you have no idea how to keep,and expect people beneath you to solve your problems.The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,but now,somehow,its my dam fault."

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horsepooisgood

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #203 on: March 30, 2010, 22:34 »
An Aussie Joke

A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand (An Aboriginal)
 radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute
 (For Americans read 'Pick up truck').
 
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is
 wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
 
The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat.
 Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
 
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss.
 Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bullbars

 'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
 'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
 under the right-front wheel arch.'
 '.......................................................... You there
 Boss? :lol: :lol: :lol:
« Last Edit: March 31, 2010, 08:03 by horsepooisgood »

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Paul Plots

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #204 on: March 31, 2010, 01:08 »
I loved the Aussie joke  :lol: Forwarded it to a Headmaster I know!!  :lol:
Never keep your wish-bone where your back-bone ought to be.

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Loubs

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #205 on: March 31, 2010, 07:35 »
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"
...
...
...

"ees... a....Ham bush"

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horsepooisgood

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #206 on: March 31, 2010, 08:24 »


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

 The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman,  now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please barman'.  The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

 The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,  'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.

'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....

..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you ?'

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.

The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.

The barman said  'You never came back, what happened ?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

'Mixin'-me-toasties '

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plum crumble

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #207 on: March 31, 2010, 08:59 »
 ::) ::) ::) Brilliant!

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #208 on: March 31, 2010, 10:07 »
They laughed when i said i was going to be a comedian,well they're not laughing now.

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What do gardeners do when they retire?
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Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?
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When the invevtor of the drawingboard messed things up,what did he go back to?
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I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve,how do you get that out?
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The last time i was in turkey i got through five jeffrey archer novels.i must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

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madcat

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #209 on: March 31, 2010, 10:47 »
You have all been keeping me giggling - so I better contribute!  (PS  designed to insult all nations so no-one can take offense!   :D)

The English  are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised  their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels  may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have  not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran  out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "*  Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "* Nuisance" warning level  was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The  Scots raised their threat level from "Peedd Off" to "Let's Get the *".  They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on  the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.  

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its  terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France  are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire  that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing  the  country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are  on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from  "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more  levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."  

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two  higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the  other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried  about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all  excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully  designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good  look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying  out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.  

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the  southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security  levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the  air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the  navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one  more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".  

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No  worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate." Three more escalation levels remain:  "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The  barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final  escalation level.

OOps - sorry Mum!
« Last Edit: March 31, 2010, 21:09 by madcat »
All we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about (Charles Kingsley)



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