[dugless]

Tour De France





Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

 Seamus shook his head and asked,   "Why  do they do that?"                                         

 "Do   what?" asked Mick                   

 "Go  on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills,  round t'e bends. Day after day, week  after week.               

  No  matter if it's oicy, rainin?,> snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why  would they torture themselves like that?" 

  "Tis all for the prestige and of course, the  money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?.                                         

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus,  ........"But why do all the others do  it?"

[ARPoet]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

?
?
?



A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

[rogerbodger]

My mate got a tattoo of an anchor, it's so realistic ..... he hasn't been able to get out of the bath for 3 days now.

[Blackpool rocket]

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

[Aunt Sally]

    So true   

[Tenhens]

The Australian bob sleigh team are in talks with Michael Clarke  the Aussie Captain ,they want his insight in how to get a team to go down hill so fast.


The RSPCA have sent thanks to the Australian cricket team for increasing the UK duck population.

[Tenhens]

If Michael Clarke had taken his team to a dodgy curry house Wednesday night, that would have definitely guaranteed the runs.

[Goosegirl]

I was going to say they didn't need to - they got the Trotts anyway but my OH informs me he's retired now.

[dugless]

Freya was driving her car home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift.

With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

"It's a bottle of whiskey that I got for my husband."

The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

[New shoot]

  

Good un' 

[Tenhens]

Very good!!

Hopefully somebody will be along with some cricket jokes when England lift the Urn shortly...............

[Blackpool rocket]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!'

people just cheered.

Br.

[dugless]

 Better than a Flu Shot! 

  Miss Beatrice,The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her

sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ

 the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water

floated of all things, a condom! When she returned  With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he

could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? ,Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little 

package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread

of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
 

 

[Blackpool rocket]

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

[dugless]

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Sorry don't get that one