[ray7]

Not had time to read them all yet so I don`t know if this has been posted before.

An Australian Love Poem.

Who said Australians weren't romantic?


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a blooming top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word


So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs'on
And fetch another beer.

Ray

[lacewing]

A plane is on it's way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to first class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and will have to move back. The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co- pilot that there is a blonde bimbo in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co- pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Torono and I'm staying right here"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, " you say she is blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde".
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, the blonde replied, " oh I'm sorry", gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.
-
-
-
" I told her that first class is not going to Toronto"

[tallulah]

I laughed at this, against my natural inclination! 

[Chrysalis]

me, too! 


One out four people in this country is mentally unbalanced.  Think of your three closest friends. If they seem Ok, then you're the one!

[azubah]

Most of my friends and relatives are crackers..does that mean that I am normal?

[LilacSandy]

It might just mean what you think is "normal" is not. 

[Growster...]

It might just mean what you think is "normal" is not. 

You're just being 'normalist' Lilacs...

Nothing wrong with being normal...;0)

It's 'Nermil' who worries me...

[LilacSandy]

It might just mean what you think is "normal" is not. 

You're just being 'normalist' Lilacs...

Nothing wrong with being normal...;0)

It's 'Nermil' who worries me...

And what is wrong with coming from the Black Country? any brummy knows nermil is normal.

[allot2learn]

 While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,


While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

[JayG]

Not a joke as such, but if you still can't get out to your plot/garden, and have at some time enjoyed the "Engrish" translations of Greek menus nearly as much as the food, here is a site which will hopefully amuse for at least a few minutes:

http://www.engrish.com/category/engrish-from-other-countries/page/4/

[BussinSpain]

A plane is on it's way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to first class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and will have to move back. The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co- pilot that there is a blonde bimbo in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co- pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Torono and I'm staying right here"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, " you say she is blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde".
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, the blonde replied, " oh I'm sorry", gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.
-
-
-
" I told her that first class is not going to Toronto"

being an ex blonde I had to chuckle quite loudly at this one


edit to fix quote

[DD.]

Mrs Digger and I had words.

I didn't get to use mine.

[pigeonpie]

Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees an hour.

Paddy sets to work but only cuts 20 in the hour so he decides to take the chainsaw back to the shop and complain.

He explains his frustration and the fact that he's not been able to cut down the guaranteed number of trees within the time so the shop owner starts checking the machine over.

After inspecting it for some time he starts it up, at which point Paddy nearly falls over with shock shouting "What the heck is that noise???"

[A Reyt Tayty]

Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

[slingshot2000]

Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Some years ago I told this joke to an sparkie/customer, but alterd slightly as we were both based in Scarborough,  so that where I set it. He was not amused and told me of the time when he was working in a large house, just outside of the town. The client had to pop out an left STRICT instructions that no-one was to go in a certain room.
Being nosy, the 2 sparkies ventured a peek. Easing the door open they both popped their heads around the door, to be met by the stare of a pair of very large, brown eyes.
The custumer had a FULLY GROWN, MALE LION, AS A PET !