Allotment Gardening Advice Help Chat

Chatting => Chatting on the Plot => Topic started by: davethespread on March 10, 2010, 14:28

Title: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 10, 2010, 14:28
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied,"twenty-seven feet,six and one half inches."
"What? how come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"well,i knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me,so i measured it!"replied the carpenter.
                                 _____________________________

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile,gave him a broom,and said,"your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"but im a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"oh im sorry,i did'nt realize that,"said the manager.
"here,give me the broom--i'll show you how."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 10, 2010, 15:12
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 10, 2010, 15:14
A graduate of Trinity College Dublin, despairing of obtaining work in his academic field, decided to adhere to stereotype and applied for a job as a builder's labourer.  The foreman looked askance at the graduate's soft hands and pasty complexion and reckoned that this candidate was wasting his time, and would know nothing about the construction industry.  However being a fair man he decided to ask a question of two anyway.
"Right then," he said.  "Do you know the difference between 'Joist' and 'Girder'?"
"Of course!" replied the graduate.  "Joist wrote 'Ulysses' and Girder wrote 'The Damnation of Doctor Faust'!"

I'll get me coat..........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 10, 2010, 15:18
I like that too! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 10, 2010, 15:20
 :D :D :D :D

(must send it to the Dublin English PhD I know .....  he works in IT these days for the same reason!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 10, 2010, 17:26
Our cat's just eaten our flock of ducks.  :ohmy:

Now he's a duck filled fattypuss. ::)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 10, 2010, 17:31
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 10, 2010, 18:19
Something along the same theme;
I'm typing this slowly because I know you cannot read very fast :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 10, 2010, 19:10
my dad always said to me.......son women are like guns keep one around long enough and you will want to shoot it :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 10, 2010, 19:46
ye..aaasssssssssss
hmmm
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 10, 2010, 19:51
My dad always used to say "Don't go out with a woman with big hands 'cos it will make your dinner look small!"

(Something like that, anyway!)  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 10, 2010, 19:59
Cracker, but keep it clean people!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 11, 2010, 07:35
me and my mrs had a row last night,and she said,"you know what, i was a fool when i married you",so i said "i know but i was in love and i did'nt notice"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 11, 2010, 07:41
Thats your tea burned today  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 11, 2010, 07:45
hello Peapod - 1-1 then?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 11, 2010, 07:59
better than 1-0 - good old Nugent! I knew he was fired up after the Arsenal game.

I had too much work to do so didnt go on, gave my son my season ticket - and ended up sitting watching it on the net  ::)

We really have a hard slog to stay up, but Im now saying never say never until the very end  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 11, 2010, 08:33
Thats your tea burned today  :lol:



no change there then  ::):D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 11, 2010, 08:53
if one synchronized swimmer drowns.....do the others have to drown too?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on March 11, 2010, 09:57
"Out of the mouths of babes."



1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.'







2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?'





3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said,

'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door

until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''





4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his

voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy'





5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,

as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,

'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,

'Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron.'





6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old

came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'




8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said: 'Holy dodo! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.





9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'





10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 11, 2010, 15:14
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 11, 2010, 15:25
A skeleton walks up to a bar and says "Two pints of lager, and a bucket please."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 11, 2010, 15:38
A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman looks the white horse up and down.  "Did you know there is a drink named after you!" he says to the white horse.
"Really?  Named after me?" replies the white horse.  "Fancy that!  Well then, I'd better have a pint of Dobbin."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 11, 2010, 15:48
A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Look duck. We don't have any grapes today, we didn't have any yesterday, and we definitely won't have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor." So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks "Got any nails?" The bartender says "No." Then the duck says "Oh good. Got any grapes?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 11, 2010, 19:13
A white horse walks into a bar.
The barman looks the white horse up and down.  "Did you know there is a drink named after you!" he says to the white horse.
"Really?  Named after me?" replies the white horse.  "Fancy that!  Well then, I'd better have a pint of Dobbin."

A horse walks into a Bar. The barman looks at the horse and says "Why the long face?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 12, 2010, 07:54
The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 12, 2010, 14:13
Two sweets want to enter a nightclub.The bouncer stops them,looks at the Tune and the Halls sweets collectively and says"You two carn't come in here your both menthol"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 12, 2010, 14:40
LOL at The Funeral Procession  :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 12, 2010, 14:57
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was pretty stormy,they were standing at the back of the ship watching the storm,when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
they searched for days and conld'nt find him,so the captain sent the old women ashore with the promise he would notify her as soon as they found something.
three weeks went by when out of the blue she got a fax from the captain.
it read, 'ma'am,sorry to inform you,we found your husband at the bottom of the ocean.we hauled him up on deck and attache to his butt was an oyster with a pearl worth £50,000 please advise'.the old women faxed back,'send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 12, 2010, 14:59
Dave I cannot fathom that one out! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 12, 2010, 15:05
Dave I cannot fathom that one out! :D
barnacles :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 12, 2010, 16:21
This is an old story but............. a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the school caretaker would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie 'Princesses').
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in one of the toilet bowls, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers............and then there are educators.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: georgeclark on March 12, 2010, 21:52
Right Then. So, there was a Runner Bean and its mother who were sitting in a field. The Runner bean says to its mother: Can i go to the toilet? his mum says: No. We have important work to do. He then convinces his mum to listen to him reciting the alphabet. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z. His mum notices something is missing. Immediately she says: Where is the P? The runner bean shouts: Oh dear, it seems to bee running down my leg.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 13, 2010, 09:02
  Two fish bang their heads on a concrete wall , one said dam !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 10:18
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 10:20
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:

DAVID! Go and stand in the corner right now!  >:(  ;) :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 10:25
 :lol: :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 13, 2010, 10:26
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:

DAVID! Go and stand in the corner right now!  >:(  ;) :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
It's funny though Lorna :D :D :D Good reponse as well :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 10:33
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:

DAVID! Go and stand in the corner right now!  >:(  ;) :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
It's funny though Lorna :D :D :D Good reponse as well :D :D

Hi Nige,

It was funny yes, but a similar response had to be made by one of us. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 11:50
Davy boy - thin ice mate, thin ice.................. :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 13:49
:lol: :blush:

You're not still in the corner are you?  :ohmy:  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 14:51
can i come out now please :blink: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 17:55
TODAY'S funny is the Welsh Rugby team - what a joke
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 19:04
can i come out now please :blink: :D

Oh dear Dave, (that could be Oh, dear Dave or Oh dear, Dave), YES please come out of the corner if you're still there, it must be cold in there...

:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 19:11
he isn't in the corner at all - he's watching Arsenal!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 13, 2010, 19:20
I'm sure he is Plum! He mentioned that.... and pretending he was kept in the corner....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 20:15
i have a corner suite :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 20:49
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 13, 2010, 20:51
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 20:54
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and glum.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

BUPA will cover the procedure costs, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women , but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Hey girls, do I get brownie points for this?

Mark
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on March 13, 2010, 20:58
 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on March 13, 2010, 21:03
one for horsepooisgood

I cant understand why women want a driving licence , you dont need one to get from the bedroom to the kitchen

 whoops im off to the naughty step now lol
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 21:18
Philskin I think you should follow in the steps of Gandhi. You are in soooooo much trouble :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 13, 2010, 21:23
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and glum.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

BUPA will cover the procedure costs, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women , but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."


Hey girls, do I get brownie points for this?

Mark


Creep. :tongue2: :tongue2: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 13, 2010, 21:25
one for horsepooisgood

I cant understand why women want a driving licence , you dont need one to get from the bedroom to the kitchen

 whoops im off to the naughty step now lol


They need it to find the vacuum cleaner and the iron, you silly boy. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on March 13, 2010, 21:37
Methinks the naughty step is overcrowded.  Although talking to my eldest on Thursday who is doing her NVQ in childcare, you are not supposed to comment on 'naughty' behaviour and only  concentrate on 'good'.  The chilldren in her nursery , when they say 'teddy has been naughty' are encoureged (sp) to say 'Teddy has been 'unkind''.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 13, 2010, 21:44
Unkind is even worse than naughty. It implies the child has victimised another child. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 13, 2010, 22:26
Quote
Why is the male brain so much more?"

surely the answer should be.....'because it is so hard to find a man with one'

well if David, and Phil can be facetious..so can I.. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 13, 2010, 23:31
Mum - it's easy for them to be brave on a forum!!! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 13, 2010, 23:59
I'm with you girls, let the dirty rotters have it. How dare they poke fun at the weaker sex.(Are we allowed to say that word) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 14, 2010, 00:12
A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.

The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us."

Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badges! Show him your badges!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 10:31
why have women got smaller feet than men?....so they can get closer to the sink
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 14, 2010, 11:32
why have women got smaller feet than men?....so they can get closer to the sink

Plum! Tell him, will you?  :nowink:  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 14, 2010, 12:31
I'm ducking under the table!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 14, 2010, 14:22
Davy boy - it's back into that spider infested corner with you mate!! :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 14:24
thats very difficult plum i live in a round house :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 14, 2010, 14:40
The cellar then - no light either!

(A round house?  A light house??)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 14, 2010, 14:44
The cellar then - no light either!

(A round house?  A light house??)

an oast house?..come on dave spill the beans.......o sorry did you have a roast for a change :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 14, 2010, 18:05
well, if you ain't got a corner, perhaps a shed............
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 18:20
its a dustbin :( ::) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 19:12
someone has been going into our site and adding soil to my allotment every night i have'nt a clue why.............the plot thickens
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 14, 2010, 19:15
its a dustbin :( ::) ;)
Contemporary plastic or rustic metal Dave?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 14, 2010, 19:16
someone has been going into our site and adding soil to my allotment every night i have'nt a clue why.............the plot thickens

That took me quite a while Dave :nowink: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 19:19
i really spoilt her today,first i bought her a lovely new fragrance,then i rubbed essential oils into her body,and then i done the hoovering and dusting.......................i really love that car
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2010, 19:21
its a dustbin :( ::) ;)
Contemporary plastic or rustic metal Dave?

oh rustic metal nigel,plastic please ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 14, 2010, 20:57
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a  headache"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on March 14, 2010, 21:56
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.
-------------------------------------------------------------

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 15, 2010, 16:14
i have just read in the paper that drinking alcohol can kill you,it scared the hell out of me.so thats it, as of now, im giving up reading papers.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on March 15, 2010, 17:26
My boyfriend is so fat that when he fell down the stairs, I thought Eastenders was starting...!   :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on March 15, 2010, 19:00
Is it right that if they find a skeleton buried somewere they can tell if its male or female straight away ,if the jawbone is worn its female
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 15, 2010, 19:06
I've had to remove the extremely long links as they were breaking the page layout and making it difficult for everyone to use - sorry
John
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 15, 2010, 19:07
Off to the naught step for both of you.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: HugglescoteGrower on March 16, 2010, 16:52
I asked the missus the other day what she wants me to grow on the allotment this year. Spuds? Yeah, Carrots? Yeah, Peas, Beans, Cabbages, Caulis, Sprouts? Yeah. Parsnip? Yeah, Turnips, ugh - No! Beetroot, Yeah, Squashes Yeah, especially blackcurrant and orange, we buy lots of those!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 17, 2010, 11:49
And for the kiddies, some nursery almost-rhymes

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He would have stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
But luckily he was a GP so was driving one of his Range Rovers to the golf course while his receptionist referred all his patients to the local chemist.

One, two buckle my shoe
Three, four, knock at the door
Five, seven is it? I'm sorry, I went to a state school that felt that arithmetic was not as important as teaching me about lesbians and socialism.

Rock a bye baby on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall,
But the police and fire brigade won't be able to do anything in case they breach the latest health and safety directive from the Department of Humourless Jobsworths
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on March 17, 2010, 12:06
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
The table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Well, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 17, 2010, 12:17
Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead

and now she takes it in to school,

between two lumps of bread.



And very tasty too! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 17, 2010, 13:16
and more for hte kiddiwinks -

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
And this little piggy flipped his London flat and his constituency home eight times and used your money to pay for a new conservatory, a massive telly and a vibrating chair and then tried to stop you finding out about it,
All the way home.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
And by the way, the chief medical officer says that amount of treacle is really, really bad for you and that although there is not actual evidence as such, excessive treacle eating is costing this country £14bn a day in lost productivity and exploding children so treacle dealers ought to be right down there among paedos, heroin dealers, members of legal political parties that he disapproves of and the other low life...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 17, 2010, 14:07
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive ...

So I took her to a petrol station.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 17, 2010, 16:23
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive ...

So I took her to a petrol station.
:D :D :D :D :D
The trouble is though Trillium,it's true. Thats the sad thing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 17, 2010, 18:35
There were 3 men stood on a hill, each with there own watch.

One chucked there watch down the hill and it broke, the second chuked his watch down the hill and it broke. The third man chucked his watch down the hill, walked to the bottom and caught it.

The other two men said "Blimey, how did you do that"

To which the third man replie "easy, my watch is 5 minutes slow"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: richyrich7 on March 17, 2010, 22:01
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the blooming emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 18, 2010, 00:33
 :lol: :lol:  Good one, Richy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 18, 2010, 18:28
Like a lot of my jokes this one is running out of time to still be understood by a reasonable percentage of the population!   :(


An ex WW2 Polish air-ace is invited to talk to a group of 8 year-old schoolkids about his wartime experiences.

He was involved in the Battle of Britain and began to describe what happened one day high over the English Channel: "All of a sudden from out of the sun we saw these three fokkers..........."

A ripple of sniggers started to propagate itself around the classroom so the teacher thought she should intervene: "I think I should point out here that the "Fokker" was a type of aeroplane used by the Germans during the war".

She apologised to her guest for the interruption and asked him to continue.

"Well, these three fokkers in their Messerschmidts........"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 18, 2010, 18:44
Like a lot of my jokes this one is running out of time to still be understood by a reasonable percentage of the population!   :(


An ex WW2 Polish air-ace is invited to talk to a group of 8 year-old schoolkids about his wartime experiences.

He was involved in the Battle of Britain and began to describe what happened one day high over the English Channel: "All of a sudden from out of the sun we saw these three fokkers..........."

A ripple of sniggers started to propagate itself around the classroom so the teacher thought she should intervene: "I think I should point out here that the "Fokker" was a type of aeroplane used by the Germans during the war".

She apologised to her guest for the interruption and asked him to continue.

"Well, these three fokkers in their Messerschmidts........"

I'm not that old(ish) JayG but I like that one :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 18, 2010, 19:21
A little to close to the limit that one JayG  ::)

They have to be "genteel" enough for Aunty.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 19, 2010, 11:29
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead,
Now she takes the lamb to school
sliced between her bread.


Not meant to offend anybody - he didn't really shoot it - its just a laugh, Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 19, 2010, 11:38
I`m offended . :D

Mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a pylon
10,000 volts shot up its bum
and turned it`s wool to nylon.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on March 19, 2010, 12:17
Mary had a little bike,
she rode it on the grass,
and every time the wheels went 'round,
the spokes did whip her........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 19, 2010, 14:55
Nice joke for Auntie (no norty words and not sexist either!)

Q: What's "E.T." short for?




A: Because he's only got little legs!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: HugglescoteGrower on March 19, 2010, 15:13
mary had a little bike
she road it back to front
and




sorry, just remembered the ending, best go no further
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 19, 2010, 15:14
mary had a little lamb
she also had some new potatoes,fresh garden peas and gravy :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 19, 2010, 15:22
One for MoreWhisky and Plum:

Mary had a litte lamb,
It had a touch of colic,
She fed it whisky every day,
And now it's alcoholic!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 19, 2010, 15:33
Mary had a little lamb
'Twas colourblind, and so
It couldn't tell the red from green,
And which was 'Stop' or 'Go'.
It followed her to school one day,
(A silly thing to do)
It tried to cross against the lights:
Wallop!  Mutton stew!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 19, 2010, 15:38
i dont use book marks,i just bend the bottom corner over,works better i think.

which is a turn up for the books
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 19, 2010, 16:10

A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND?

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 19, 2010, 19:07
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
you lot!!!

 :nowink: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 19, 2010, 19:15
Wait 'till argyllie sees it !!!   :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 20, 2010, 10:08
call it a hunch,but im pretty sure i have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Faz on March 20, 2010, 12:11
Somebody keeps breaking in to my allotment at night and tipping extra soil all over it.

The plot thickens.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 20, 2010, 12:15
Somebody keeps breaking in to my allotment at night and tipping extra soil all over it.

The plot thickens.....

we've had that one already.......but it is funny :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 20, 2010, 20:30
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

8. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

9. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

10. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "How many were girls?"

11. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

12. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

13. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

14. Q: "You were shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 20, 2010, 20:32
That made me laugh my head off! I love #10 #12 #13
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on March 21, 2010, 07:28
   

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were
excessively mischievous. They were always
getting into trouble and their   parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town,
the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher
in town had been successful in   disciplining children,   so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see
them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first,  in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming
voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open , but he
made no response, sitting there wide-eyed
with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the
room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
(I just LOVE reading this next line again and again:)

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on March 21, 2010, 07:39
 :lol: :lol: love it
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 21, 2010, 09:32
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Great stuff!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 21, 2010, 10:28
After retiring a man went to a government office to apply for his pension.
The woman behind the desk asked for a drivers licence to verify his age.
The man then realised he had left his wallet at home and told the woman he was sorry but he would have to go home and return later but the woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

He did as he was told, revealing a chest of curly silver hair.
The woman then said, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and duly processed his application.

When he got home the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the government office.
Unimpressed his wife said, "You should have dropped your pants she might have given you a disability allowance too!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Rangerkris on March 21, 2010, 17:30
HHAHAHAHHAH thats a funny one Leaner
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 21, 2010, 19:35
im dyslexic and swindon was my idea
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 21, 2010, 20:02
I`m an agnostic, dyslectic , insomniac.

I lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 22, 2010, 01:17
I`m an agnostic, dyslectic , insomniac.

I lie awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

We've got a cat so I sleep well  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on March 22, 2010, 18:22
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under  your vehicle.
From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
 
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
 
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 22, 2010, 18:35
 :lol: :lol:

But I think most wives would recognise their husbands parts, and more importantly their shorts
because usually they are the ones to buy them  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 22, 2010, 18:46
And wash them and wash them and ...... :D :D

A little known fact :
The first cricket box was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.
 
(modified so I dont get modded!)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 22, 2010, 22:13
And wash them and wash them and ...... :D :D

A little known fact :
The first cricket box was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.
 
(modified so I dont get modded!)


Unfortunately most men don't live as long as women - a hundred years is rarely achieved!

Nagged to death??
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 23, 2010, 07:46
An attorney
arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution for his client, James Wright.  His last minute plea for
clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and
on…

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright,
had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would
not be hanged that night. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must
have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.  They're not
hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T
YOU EVER STOP?!’

Read it quick before its modded!!
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 23, 2010, 19:23
 

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .....

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'

Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look!


We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay?


Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us.


I'll speak in my best English accent. '

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' Says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

'Well ..... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 23, 2010, 19:42
"Johnnie."

"Yes, teacher."

"If there are twenty sheep in a field, and one gets out through a hole in the fence, how many sheep are left in the field?"

"None, teacher."

"Johnnie, there are still nineteen sheep left in the field. Obviously you don't know arithmetic."

"Sorry, teacher, but I do know arithmetic. Obviously you don't know sheep."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pol and mick on March 23, 2010, 20:22
There has been a report that a man has been seen around the local town centre  stabbing random people with a knitting kneedle,The police are on the case and believe his is following a pattern.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: UrbanG on March 23, 2010, 22:58
What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on March 24, 2010, 00:53
Like it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 24, 2010, 23:43


Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .....

Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'

Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look!


We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay?


Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us.


I'll speak in my best English accent. '

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' Says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

'Well ..... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'

The joke's great - :lol:  laughed a lot  :lol: - but Im not Irish..... I hope no one objects  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 25, 2010, 14:43
Headline: "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 25, 2010, 15:33
my wifes a right darling,

she's got big eyebrows and keeps taking my beer and fag money off me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 25, 2010, 20:34
sigmund freud walks into a bra....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 25, 2010, 20:40
silly fool!!

 ::) :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 25, 2010, 20:41
silly fool!!

 ::) :lol: :lol:

im bored plum ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 27, 2010, 02:43
Wit and wisdom from the military manuals and flight records:

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

Aim towards the enemy. — Instruction printed on U.S. rocket launcher

When the pin is pulled Mr. Grenade is not our friend. — U.S. Marine Corps

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. — U.S. Air Force Manual

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. — General MacArthur

Five-second fuses only last three seconds. — Infantry Journal

If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush. —Infantry Journal

Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once. — Unknown

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S...!”

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 27, 2010, 06:41
love the last one :D excellent
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jai on March 27, 2010, 13:24
 There are 2 things you need to solve mechanical problems, WD40 and Gaffa tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40. If it does move and shouldn't, use Gaffa tape. :wub:
 Oh, and if anyone cares, WD40 comes from ; Water disperser and it was the 40th attempt to get the formula right. :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 27, 2010, 16:11
Headline: "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake."

That's horrible  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 27, 2010, 20:20
There are 2 things you need to solve mechanical problems, WD40 and Gaffa tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD40. If it does move and shouldn't, use Gaffa tape. :wub:
 Oh, and if anyone cares, WD40 comes from ; Water disperser and it was the 40th attempt to get the formula right. :blink:

And if all else fails, hit it with a hammer. The bigger, the more effective. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 27, 2010, 20:21
As in...... if you can't get it working smash it to pieces? ?  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 27, 2010, 20:23
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 27, 2010, 20:40
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Modern childrearing at it's best. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 27, 2010, 20:45
I completely agree Ice. It saves all nagging. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Janeymiddlewife on March 28, 2010, 11:05
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Modern childrearing at it's best. :lol:


I would but I've got tennis elbow  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 13:08
If in doubt, give it a clout. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Modern childrearing at it's best. :lol:


I would but I've got tennis elbow  :D
so its you making a raquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 13:09
groan  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 28, 2010, 13:42
Dave don't string mum along

She doesn't de serve it
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 13:56
You are all talking a load of tennis balls
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 28, 2010, 14:36
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

service with a smile
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 14:37
15-30 to MoS :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 15:48
15-30 to MoS :D :D

That's way out of line, I think I have the advantage ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 28, 2010, 17:57
you cannot be SERIOUS!
Nige, has mum given you a backhander? :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2010, 18:03
Quote
Nige, has mum given you a backhander?

no he has just defaulted ::) Or is he chewing a murray mint :unsure:

Is it time for tie-break...oops sorry tea-break.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 19:12
you cannot be SERIOUS!
Nige, has mum given you a backhander? :nowink:
It felt more like a Ace :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 19:19
Quote
Nige, has mum given you a backhander?

no he has just defaulted ::) Or is he chewing a murray mint :unsure:

Is it time for tie-break...oops sorry tea-break.
The too good to hurry mint and match point. I'll be Becker later :( :( :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 19:43
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:17
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Evening Dave I'll have to double fault on that one I carn't think of a decent return :( :( :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:18
a punk sits down on a bench next to an old man reading his paper,after a while the old man looks up and stares at his multicoloured mohawk for about 5 minutes.

the punk says "whats a matter old man,never done anything interesting in your life"?

to which the old man replies "yes i once got drunk and had sex with a parrot and was wondering if you were my son".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:19
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Evening Dave I'll have to double fault on that one I carn't think of a decent return :( :( :D

evening nige ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:21
dont give them the tennis elbow nige ::),give them stich :D or better still demand cash :nowink:
Evening Dave I'll have to double fault on that one I carn't think of a decent return :( :( :D

evening nige ;)
I say my dogs got no nose.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:23
how does he smell?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 28, 2010, 20:24
Two Irishmen walk into a jobcentre and see an ad saying Tree fellers wanted"  Paddy turns to his mate and says "Sure, 'tis a pity there's only the two of us"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:26
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:28
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:43
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
I say my wife's going to Jamacia?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:50
for the rastafarian old holburn :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 28, 2010, 20:54
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
I say my wife's going to Jamacia?

Shouldn`t that be. " My wife`s going to the Caribbean". Answer " Jamaica "? Response "No she wanted to go "? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 20:57
whatever the case i would'nt go on the cruise ships,they seem to be rife with the two bob bits at the moment :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 20:58
for the rastafarian old holburn :D
Very funny  :D :D :D
Did you hear about the Two seater plane thet crashed into a Cemetery?
So far they have recovered 45 bodies.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 28, 2010, 21:01
how does he smell?
Awful :D :D :D
do you reckon we should be on the stage? the next one out of town :D
I say my wife's going to Jamacia?

Shouldn`t that be. " My wife`s going to the Caribbean". Answer " Jamaica "? Response "No she wanted to go "? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Your right DavidT I mucked that one up :ohmy: :ohmy: :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 28, 2010, 21:16
today,my large wild cat was feeling insecure about his spots.he claimed that they made him self-conscious amongst his lion and tiger friends.
i told him his differences were what made him beautiful and that he had reason to be proud of his appearance.

                                       assured is my leopard

                                      (happy psalm pun-day)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Loubs on March 28, 2010, 21:17
Did you hear on the news about the lorry-load of tortoises crashing into the van-load of terrapins? It was a turtle disaster.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on March 28, 2010, 21:45
There was a crash on the M4 today between a lorry load of sugar and a lorry load of strawberries. What a jam it caused.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 00:35
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .....
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'

Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent. '

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will,' says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

'Well ..... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 29, 2010, 08:57
Will you tell Learner, or should I? ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 29, 2010, 09:02
I will  :)

Ice is Irish and she probably didn't find that funny.  In fact she's on to her solicitor right now  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 29, 2010, 09:29
No, silly, the jokes already been posted. :lol:  I've enough problems with suing myself for the Irish joke I posted.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 29, 2010, 09:40
D'oh  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 29, 2010, 10:17
Mrs Hamstergbert reckoned that I paid no attention to her, didn't bother finding out what she liked or disliked, the usual girly touchy-feely nonsense stuff like that.
Of course I denied it (well, you have to, dontcha) and challenged her to give me even one example of me not knowing something that is important to her.
She thought for a minute then said, "OK, if you know me - really know me - what is my favourite flower?"
"Easy peasy" I replied, quick as a moderately quick flash.  "Homepride, isn't it!"
Got an impressive right hook on her for a slim woman.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 29, 2010, 15:14
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 17:28
No, silly, the jokes already been posted. :lol:  I've enough problems with suing myself for the Irish joke I posted.

My sincere apologies... no offence was intended - it was a "joke" received from a friend and I should have known better especially as I emailed back to question whether or not it might offend others... but (take out the specific cultural references) I think it was funny... replace Irish with "a pair of lads from Lagness"...  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 29, 2010, 17:32
Ahh, niver wory, t'is ok so  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 17:39
Ahh, niver wory, t'is ok so  :D

Fanks verwy much miss - sorry..  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 29, 2010, 17:55
My grandma told me this one the other day:

When she was younger her and her mates would have been able to go down to the local shop with only a shilling and get 5 bags of crisps, dozens of sweets, lots of pop and basiclay lots of sugar. However you cant do that know adays, stupid CCTV cameras  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on March 29, 2010, 18:04
Nice one Jamie. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 29, 2010, 18:07
My grandma told me this one the other day:

When she was younger her and her mates would have been able to go down to the local shop with only a shilling and get 5 bags of crisps, dozens of sweets, lots of pop and basiclay lots of sugar. However you cant do that know adays, stupid CCTV cameras  :lol:

You'd end up with an Antisocial Behaviour Contract, a personal Caseworker and trips to the local McPlace for burgers and outings galore  :ohmy:

It is so fair on those kids who behave well - not  >:(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 18:19
when i die i want to go off peacefully in my sleep like my grandad did.......not sreaming like his passengers
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 29, 2010, 19:05
when i die i want to go off peacefully in my sleep like my grandad did.......not sreaming like his passengers

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pumpkinpatch on March 29, 2010, 19:35
Just a cheesy joke that my mate told me
What do you call a Spanish man thats lost his car ...

Carloss  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 19:40
what do you call a spanish doctor?.....manuel
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 20:11
i have just been out and painted a blue square in my garden,to trick people who are veiwing google earth that i have a swimming pool
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 29, 2010, 20:22
when i die i want to go off peacefully in my sleep like my grandad did.......not sreaming like his passengers

Dave, have you been reading the little print at the bottom of my posts. :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 29, 2010, 20:25
no i was on a website and see it,very sorry ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 29, 2010, 20:56
No!! you don't look sorry enough to me, I want to see more!! lol  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 29, 2010, 21:01
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 29, 2010, 22:01
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D

Nige, should that have red "That's a short runway"

Mark :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 30, 2010, 08:15
500 years ago when men went to war they used to force their wives to wear a chastity belt.therefore,while they were away,the only person who could open these was a locksmith.which i suppose would explain why smith is the most common name in the phone book.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 30, 2010, 10:23
how do you know when a women is about to say something smart?...........when she starts the sentence with the words...a man once told me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 30, 2010, 11:13
 :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: to you Dave who is spread
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 30, 2010, 12:00
Doctor: "It's no good. I can't find anything wrong with you. It must just be the effects of drinking too much."



Patient: "OK, I'll come back when you're sober then!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on March 30, 2010, 18:01
Two new airplane pilots make their first passenger flight landing. "crikey" says the first one "Thats a narrow runway" The second pilot replies " Yes but look at the width of it!!!!!!!!!!!"" :D :D

Nige, should that have red "That's a short runway"

Mark :tongue2:
O dear I did not have a good day for joke telling :ohmy: :ohmy: Thank you Mark for putting me right :( :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 30, 2010, 18:07
A man in a hot air balloon,realising he was lost,reduced altitude and spotted a women below.he descended further and shouted to the lady "excuse me,can you help me? i promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago,but i dont know where i am."

"You are in a hot air balloon,hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground,you are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT," says the balloonist."actually i am" replied the women,"how did you know."
"well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct,but i've no idea what to make of your information,and the fact is im still lost.Frankly,you've not been much help at all,if anything you have delayed my trip."

the women below responded, "you must be in management." "I am,"replied the balloonist,"but how did you know?"

"Well,"said the women, "you dont know where you are or where your going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.You made a promise,which you have no idea how to keep,and expect people beneath you to solve your problems.The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met,but now,somehow,its my dam fault."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 30, 2010, 22:34
An Aussie Joke

A Northern Territory (Oz) farm hand (An Aboriginal)
 radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute
 (For Americans read 'Pick up truck').
 
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is
 wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
 
The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303 Rifle behind the seat.
 Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'
 
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss.
 Took the .303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bullbars

 'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.
 'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
 under the right-front wheel arch.'
 '.......................................................... You there
 Boss? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 31, 2010, 01:08
I loved the Aussie joke  :lol: Forwarded it to a Headmaster I know!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Loubs on March 31, 2010, 07:35
Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"
...
...
...

"ees... a....Ham bush"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on March 31, 2010, 08:24


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie ?'. The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

 The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman,  now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please barman'.  The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.

 The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'.

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,  'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it ?'

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'.

'Ok' says the rabbit,' I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'.

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ....

..... NEVER TO RETURN !!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you ?'

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'.

The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,  masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know'.

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'.

The barman said  'You never came back, what happened ?'

'I DIED', said the Rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman, 'what from ?'

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

'Mixin'-me-toasties '
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 31, 2010, 08:59
 ::) ::) ::) Brilliant!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 31, 2010, 10:07
They laughed when i said i was going to be a comedian,well they're not laughing now.

                                   *                            *                            *
What do gardeners do when they retire?
                                   *                            *                            *
Where do the homeless have 90% of their accidents?
                                   *                            *                            *
When the invevtor of the drawingboard messed things up,what did he go back to?
                                   *                            *                            *
I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve,how do you get that out?
                                   *                            *                            *
The last time i was in turkey i got through five jeffrey archer novels.i must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on March 31, 2010, 10:47
You have all been keeping me giggling - so I better contribute!  (PS  designed to insult all nations so no-one can take offense!   :D)

The English  are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised  their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels  may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have  not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran  out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "*  Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "* Nuisance" warning level  was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The  Scots raised their threat level from "Peedd Off" to "Let's Get the *".  They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on  the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.  

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its  terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France  are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire  that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing  the  country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are  on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from  "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more  levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."  

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two  higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the  other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried  about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all  excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully  designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good  look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying  out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.  

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the  southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security  levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the  air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the  navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one  more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".  

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No  worries" to "She'll be al'right, mate." Three more escalation levels remain:  "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The  barbie is cancelled". So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final  escalation level.

OOps - sorry Mum!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 31, 2010, 19:41
For the lovers of art......

THE FAMILY TREE OF Vincent Van Gogh !!

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------ ----------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - ----------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican Cousin---------------------------------------- A Me Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------------Wells Far-Gogh
The constipated uncle -------------------------------------Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Fla Ming Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ----------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking-------------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco --------------------------------- Go Gogh

AND....

His niece who travels the country in an RV ------------Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling ------------------------------------------There ya Gogh
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 31, 2010, 22:18
 :lol: :lol: :lol: excellent learner :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 01, 2010, 05:54
 :lol: :lol: learner that is so funny  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 01, 2010, 16:20
A women went to her doctor for a follow up visit after the doctor prescribed testosterone for her.
she was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing."doctor,the hormones you have been giving me have really helped,but im worried your giving me too much.ive started growing hair in places that ive never grown hair before."

the doctor reassured her,"a little haitgrowth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone,just where has the hair appeared?"

"on my testicles,which is something else i needed to talk to you about."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MoreWhisky on April 01, 2010, 18:33
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pte2XO66Nwg/SDXCZ4YGfnI/AAAAAAAABWs/hnXXf7cXSIQ/s400/pepsi_vs_coca_cola.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 01, 2010, 18:42
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_pte2XO66Nwg/SDXCZ4YGfnI/AAAAAAAABWs/hnXXf7cXSIQ/s400/pepsi_vs_coca_cola.jpg)

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 01, 2010, 18:51
They should be Canned up for that :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 01, 2010, 21:52
Personally I thought it was a bit of a candid picture!!  :blink:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pumpkinpatch on April 01, 2010, 23:45
Iv just lost my job at pepsi... they found traces of coke on me   ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 02, 2010, 19:19
I reckon An Identity parade might be required :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 02, 2010, 20:16
do you reckon they might get charged with in-fanta-cide or did he just "pop" his clogs :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 02, 2010, 23:39
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.

A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

"What's it say?" asks the bartender.

The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on April 03, 2010, 07:17
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 03, 2010, 07:20
LMAO...soooo funny :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 03, 2010, 15:44
Not so funny but interesting (?)

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.   Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and you awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 03, 2010, 15:49
It was clear except for 1 word Learner.

It took me ages to work out what aulacity actually was :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 03, 2010, 15:56
It was clear except for 1 word Learner.

It took me ages to work out what aulacity actually was :lol: :lol:

I agree with you on that one  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 04, 2010, 09:47
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital..

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 04, 2010, 10:05
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 04, 2010, 18:44
they have now realised why manchester united done so badly against bayern and chelsea,they told ji-sung park to occupy the flanks,and he spent the two games following ribery and lampard.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yabba on April 04, 2010, 20:42
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

¥
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 04, 2010, 22:02
My neighbour has recently suffered 50 concussions, in fact hes only a stones throw away
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Rangerkris on April 05, 2010, 07:21
HAHAHAHAH yabba.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 05, 2010, 15:38
heather mills nanny has accused her of being unstable..paul mcCartney said in an earlier statement he used to find a couple of beer mats done the trick.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 05, 2010, 15:41
heather mills nanny has accused her of being unstable..paul mcCartney said in an earlier statement he used to find a couple of beer mats done the trick.

Like it!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 05, 2010, 15:53
the burnley fan caught on camera punching the wall as he left when manchester city scored 3 goals in 7 minutes.had to go to hospital for an x-ray,they found he had fractured all six fingers on the right hand.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 05, 2010, 17:17
 :lol: :lol: ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 08:08
who is the nicest man working at the hospital?......the ultrasound guy

and who is the nicest bloke when he is not there......the hip replacement guy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 08:46
groan.......................... :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 09:22
groan.......................... :nowink:

what, again? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 17:42
Yup  :lol: :tongue2:

There are many jokes that make me LOL but these kind just make me  tht ::)

Sorry  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 06, 2010, 17:44
 ??? non comprendo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 18:04
??? non comprendo

think happy thoughts plum ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 18:23
Yup  :lol: :tongue2:

There are many jokes that make me LOL but these kind just make me  tht ::)

Sorry  :blush:
did you hear about the drunk dung beetle,who fell off his stool?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 19:17
see................there's another one  :tongue2:  :lol:  ::)
They remind me of Christmas cracker jokes!


It really can't just be me ...........................................................can it :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on April 06, 2010, 19:41
 :D The dung beetle one was a cracker. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 06, 2010, 20:44
see................there's another one  :tongue2:  :lol:  ::)
They remind me of Christmas cracker jokes!


It really can't just be me ...........................................................can it :unsure:

 MoS I think Dave is funny  :ohmy: :ohmy: :mellow: :mellow: :blush: :blush: ??? ???
 Dave thats a Fiver you owe me  ;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 06, 2010, 21:45
now that was funny  :tongue2:  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 22:05
seeing him collecting it will be funnier :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 06, 2010, 22:52
the planes cabin was being served by an obviously gayflight attendant,who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
he came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and lady seated beside him,"captain marvey has asked me to announce thathe'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,lovely people,so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
on his trip back up the aisle he notices a women had'nt moved a muscle "perhaps you did'nt hear me over them big brute engines.i asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the man canpitty-pat us on the ground."
she calmly turned her head and said,"in my country i am called a princess.i take orders from no one!"
"well,sweet cheeks,in my country im called a queen so i out rank you,put up the tray!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 06, 2010, 23:36
 :lol: :lol:

but 4:1 Davy boy?   :( :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 07, 2010, 16:38
:lol: :lol:

but 4:1 Davy boy?   :( :(
i know plum
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 07, 2010, 17:34
a politician was seated next to a little gitl on a airplane leaving for america when he turned to her and said-"lets talk,ive heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
the little girl,who had just opened her book,closed it slowly and said"what would you like to talk about?"
"oh i dont know," said the politician."how about global warming,"and smiles smugly.
"ok,"she said "that could be an interesting topic..but let me ask you a question first.a horse,a cow and a deer all eat grass,yet a deer excretes little pellets,while the cow turns out a flat patty,and the horse clumps of dried grass can you explain why?"
the politician,visibly surprised by the girls intelligence,thinks about it and says,"hmmm,ive no idea."
to which the girl replies,"do you really feel qualified to talk about global warming,when you dont know s*** ?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 07, 2010, 19:06
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 19:55
If Albert Einstein`s parents had had a sense of humour they would have named their son Frank.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 19:57
If Max Wall`s parents had had a sense of humour they would have named their son Walter. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:01
David and Victoria Beckham named their first son Brooklyn, after the place he was conceived. So why wasn`t the second boy named Peckham? :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 07, 2010, 20:09
Not bad DavidT keep them coming. :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:12
I`ve run out of impetus, for now. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 07, 2010, 20:15
pretty damn good though!! Wish I could think of some good 'uns! :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:32
Plum, you are Welsh, you can do it if you really try. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 07, 2010, 20:34
Horse goes into a bar
Barman asks, why the long face?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 07, 2010, 20:37
Plum, you are Welsh, you can do it if you really try. :lol:

I feel a song coming on.................'you can do it if you really want. ...just try, try and try,
try and try,........... you'll succeed at last'
 :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 20:43
Desmond Decker and the  Aces. You Can Get It. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 07, 2010, 20:46
 :lol: I bet that confused a good few people. ::)  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 07, 2010, 21:05
I was into reggae/ska in the late 60`s early 70`s. Judge Dread especially. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 07, 2010, 23:19
Perhaps this one is more suited to a mixed age range audience?


Chap wanders into a pub and the barman says, “Excuse me sir did you know you have a lizard on your shoulder?”
Chap replies, “Yes, I did. It’s my pet.”
"Very small isn’t it?” remarked the barman.
“Yep,” replied the chap, “it’s my newt!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 07, 2010, 23:30
 :D :D :D :D :D
An oldie but a goodie
Hee hee
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 08, 2010, 00:01
:D :D :D :D :D
An oldie but a goodie
Hee hee

It's about the only one I can remember!!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 08, 2010, 14:38
The door of the music shop swings open and a little mouse wearing a tiny print dress and a straw bonnet scuttles up to the counter.  The shopkeeper stares at it, then blinks in astonishment as the mouse, in a squeaky voice, says "Can I have a B-flat chromatic mouse organ, please?"
The shopkeeper blinks again, astonished, but commercialism takes charge and soon the cash register chings and the mouse scuttles off with its purchase in a brown paper bag.
The shopkeeper shakes his head in bemusement.  "Now I've seen everything!"
That afternoon the door of the music shop swings open again and another little mouse, (this time wearing a miniscule pair of levis and adidas teeshirt) scuttles up to the counter.  The shopkeeper smiles at it and says, "can I help you?"
The mouse says, "I'm looking for an F-sharp chromatic mouse organ please".
The shopkeeper nods.  "No problem!" and as he turns to take the requested instrument from the rack he says, "Do you know, there was another mouse in here this very morning, also looking for a mouse organ!"
The mouse thinks for a moment, then nods.  "Oh, that was probably our Monica..."

I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 08, 2010, 16:07
two bits of tarmac in a pub talking at the bar,one says to the other do you no what im the hardest bit of tarmac around m25 me mate,1 million cars an hour run over my back,no they dont come much tougher than me.
the other one says im m1 tarmac me although i dont like to brag, 2 million cars an hour over me.
with that the m25 tarmac dives under a table as a red piece of tarmac comes in to get some change from the barman, when he leaves,the tarmac under the table says,has he gone yet,so the m1 tarmac says you really are tough are'nt you as soon as that red tarmac came in you hid under the table.
so the m25 tarmac says yeah but thats red tarmac,you dont mess with him,hes a cyclepath.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 18:34
Dave, you are getting worse. :lol: :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 18:38
I was going to write about the name Simon Cowells parents should have given him had they had a sense of humour, but I decided to keep it clean. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 08, 2010, 18:46
wise decision DavidT, beware Aunty's BRB  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 08, 2010, 18:50
I've already had to edit a few jokes and delete some  ::)

If this joke thread causes me too much work I'll remove it  :)

You have been warned...  MwaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaa  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 20:27
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 08, 2010, 20:39
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Quick everyone get behind the sofa.  When Aunty sees this it won't be a pretty sight.  (http://bestsmileys.com/peeping/5.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 20:47
I`m not afraid. :tongue2: I see you`ve been in South Wales recently Ice. 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 08, 2010, 20:54
I`m not afraid. :tongue2: I see you`ve been in South Wales recently Ice. 8)
Oh no, no no. :ohmy:  I don't have a passport. 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on April 08, 2010, 20:55
There goes a very brave man!!!!! :ohmy:

I hope it's not too cold on the step for you tonight Dave  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 08, 2010, 20:57
I`m not afraid, I`ll post proof tomorrow. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 08, 2010, 22:07
Hope this doesn't put me on the naughty step
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me.. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind, but, if you'll drop it on the counter,  I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line.  It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.  "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally *. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had *.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50  please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44? How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: richyrich7 on April 08, 2010, 22:10
 :lol: that's a cracker
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on April 08, 2010, 23:27
I've already had to edit a few jokes and delete some  ::)

If this joke thread causes me too much work I'll remove it  :)

You have been warned...  MwaaaaHaaaaaHaaaaa  :ohmy:



It is alas very long since I passed forty,
An excuse, I hope, for my jokes being so norty.
Aunt Sally's not doolally, so please give her credit:
It's part of her job, such rudeness to edit.

Delete your expletives, keep your privates well hidden.
(We all must remember to do as we're bidden.)
As to what Sal's deleted, I really can't say,
(Have trouble recalling beyond yesterday!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 08, 2010, 23:47
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 09, 2010, 08:29
 :ohmy: I can't believe he tried to be so familiar with Aunty!  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: richyrich7 on April 09, 2010, 13:16
I think that's enough to be honest, let's not pull Aunyt's leg any longer. I personally hold her in great regard, anyone that really knows her would.
So enough.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 09, 2010, 13:39
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her foot in and pauses.....  She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"  The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know.  I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters..  She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."  She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 09, 2010, 14:44
That's brilliant Glosterboy!!  :lol:


If only I could remember what it was about   :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on April 09, 2010, 15:05
What what was about?!  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on April 09, 2010, 15:20
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 09, 2010, 17:28
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.  One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I...  Let's have a beer."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 09, 2010, 19:27
The hair cut

 One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was  pleased and left the shop.

 When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

 Later, a  baker comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his  bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm  doing community service this week.' The baker is happy and leaves the  shop.

 The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank  you' card and a dozen still warm fresh, crusty rolls waiting for him at his door.

 Later that day, a bookseller comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept  money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The bookseller  is very happy and leaves the shop.

 The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

 Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from  you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament  is very happy and leaves the shop.

 The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on April 09, 2010, 19:32
That would be hilarious if it wasn't so true  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 09, 2010, 20:00
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)


Una Stubbs was funny when she was you. :( :( :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 09, 2010, 20:12
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)

Una Stubbs was funny when she was you. :( :( :unsure:
Give us a clue then ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 09, 2010, 20:45
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
      The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I could have sworn we just went through a red light."  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was again red  and again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 09, 2010, 23:14
Isn`t it about time you posted  a funny Sally? May I call you Sally, Sally?  :lol: :lol: :lol:

You may call me Aunt Sally or Aunty  >:(

Aunty is never funny  ::)


Una Stubbs was funny when she was you. :( :( :unsure:

She was acting David, very inaccurately  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 10, 2010, 08:51
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair

Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 10, 2010, 10:59
Hector was out for a first date with Julia.  Picked her up in his bright red Capri and headed off down the A65.

As they approached a set of traffic lights that were gleaming a warming red, Hector made no attempt to brake at all but simply drove straight through.  Julia, face a little ashen, turned to him and said, "Did you not see it?  You just went straight through a red light!"
Hector smiled at her.  "Ah, my brother George always does that!"

Julia composed herself - with a struggle - and settled down, but found herself tensing as they approached another traffic light in a fetching shade of cherry-red.  In increasing terror she barely managed to croak the start of a warning before Hector again drove straight through.   Her face now homepride-white, Julia disentangled her broken nails from what remained of the dashboard and screeched at him, "You did it again!  You went straight through ANOTHER red light!"
Hector laughed.  "Told you, my brother George always soes that!"

Julia did lots of deep breathing and eventually managed to get her pulse rate below 200, and forced herself to try and relax, after carefully checking aht her seat belt was definitely properly fastened.

As they drove on, she saw another red traffic light in the distance and felt the panic start to rise, but as they got nearer the amber joined the red and switched over to the welcome green.  To her utter amazement, Hector stamped onto his brake and the car screeched to a halt inches from the junction line.

Julia straightened up, easing the seatbelt from where it was cutting into her as the result of their sudden stop and yelled, "That was a green light and you screech to a halt!"
Hector shrugged.  "My brother George might be coming the other way."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 10, 2010, 20:53
Sorry your Highness Aunt Sally, Queen of the Aunties, I am your grovelling servant.  I am not worthy of your forgiveness. Please accept my most humble apologies in being so presumptious. :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 10, 2010, 20:54
 :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 10, 2010, 20:59
Your card is definately marked DavidT. :closedeyes:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 10, 2010, 21:09
What have I done now? I can`t help having a bad cough. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 10, 2010, 23:13
Oh dear...  Some people are fools to themselves Ice ::)

They always lose in the end  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 11, 2010, 20:01
Who, meee? :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 11, 2010, 20:03
Who, meee? :ohmy:
Yes, yooo. :closedeyes:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 11, 2010, 20:04

Your name is in the book  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on April 11, 2010, 21:25
I`ve been booked? Great, when do I appear? Is it the Palladium? How much do I get? :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 11, 2010, 21:39
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high
and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in
front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here, rub it." So the bartender
rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a puff of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ... each person is only allowed one!" says the genie. The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on April 13, 2010, 09:45
sorry to bring you all down, but my doctor says I may have convex curviture of the upper spine...










it's just a hunch !  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 13, 2010, 10:03
one for the ladies:

once upon a time a female brain cell,by mistake,ended up in a mans head.......

she looked around nervously,because it was so empty and quiet.

"hello?",she cried,but there was no answer....

"is anyone here?"still no answer now the female brain cell started to feel realy scared.

"HELLO!!! IS ANYONE HERE???"

and finally,she hears a feint voice from far,far away.

"were down here"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 13, 2010, 11:18
sounds about right that  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on April 13, 2010, 12:23
My neighbour put a sign on his gate yesterday, it reads, Trespassers will be composted.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 13, 2010, 12:59
An older couple were lying in bed one night.  The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.  She said:  "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."  Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.  A few moments later she said:  "Then you used to kiss me."  Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep..
   Thirty seconds later she said:  "Then you used to bite my Neck."  Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on April 13, 2010, 17:18
My neighbour put a sign on his gate yesterday, it reads, Trespassers will be composted.
Love it.  Must make one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: violetpato on April 14, 2010, 00:14
husband and wife go past a field of cows, and pigs, the husband asks sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on April 14, 2010, 16:23
Man at the doctors: I think my wife is going deaf but I don't want to offend her by asking outright - got any ideas? Dr. replies:" Stand 40ft away and ask a question. If she doesn't answer move 30 ft and repeat it, then 20ft and repeat it, then 10 ft and then right up to her and repeat it" Man goes home and starts  at 40ft with "What is for supper dear?" No answer, 30ft, no answer.  20ft, no answer. 10ft, no answer. Nose to nose "What is for supper dear?" Wife answers: "For the fifth bl...y time, liver and onions!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on April 14, 2010, 18:38
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.  She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"  An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"  Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 14, 2010, 19:19
a guy who worked for the post office,whose job it was to sort all the mail with illegible addresses.
one day,a letter came with shaky handwritting addressed to god with no actual address.so he thought he should open it to see what it was about.
the letter read;

dear god,

i am an 83 year old widow, living on a small pension.

yesterday someone stole my purse,it had £100 in it,which was all the money i had until my next pension payment.

next sunday is Christmas,and i had invited two of my friends over for dinner.without that money,i have nothing to buy food with,i have no family to turn to,and you are my only hope.can you please help me?

sincerely edna.

the postal worker was touched.he showed the letter to all the other workers.each one dug into his or her wallet,and came up with a few pounds.
by the time he had made the rounds, they had came up with £96,which he put in an envelope and sent to the old women.

Christmas came and went.

then a few days later,another lettter came for god from the same old lady.

all the workers gathered round as the letter was opened.

it read;

dear god,

how can i ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

because of your gift of love,i was able to fix a beautiful dinner for my friends.we had a very nice day,and i told my friends of your wonderful gift.

by the way,there was £4 missing

must have been one of those thieving b*****ds down at the post office.

sincerely edna.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 15, 2010, 19:05
[A bit long winded!]  ;)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went
to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on April 16, 2010, 08:19
A teacher asked her class how many of them were fans of Gordon Brown.
Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again?
Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a Gordon Brown fan.’
The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you a Gordon Brown fan?’
Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Nationalist.’
The teacher asked him why he’s a Nationalist.
Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mum’s a BNPer and my Dad’s a BNPer, so I’m a Nationalist.’
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would you be then?’
Little Johnny replied, ‘A Gordon Brown fan.’
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 16, 2010, 09:44
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on April 16, 2010, 12:51
85 year old lady in the retirement home comes into the lounge and calls out " If any of you men can guess my exact age I'll give you super sex. !  George thinks a minute then says "I'll have the soup please".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 16, 2010, 15:32
 Cannibals
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
 "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing.
 "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
 something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
 The cannibals promised they would not
 Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard,
and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
 Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook
their heads no.
 After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others,  "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
 A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
 continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and
no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone
 important!"
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 17, 2010, 22:10
Real exuse for speeding:

"Your right officer, I should have known better than speeding down this road, after I run over a woman on it last week"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 18, 2010, 07:39
i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 18, 2010, 08:24
i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.
Thats topical Dave. I like it :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 18, 2010, 19:08
i remember reading somewhere a speedcop pulls a youngster over for speeding and said,"ive been waiting here all day for you," to which the younster replied,"well i got here as soon as i could." apparently the copper laughed so much that he let him off with a caution.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Faz on April 19, 2010, 08:47
i walked out of my door this morning,and all of a sudden a lasagne hit me on the head, followed by a black forest gateau and a pizza.
i thought this is obviously fallout from iceland.

I like this one - reminds me of a similar joke which has the punchline "Buffet the vampire slayer"  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on April 19, 2010, 17:21
first Iceland goes bankrupt, then tries to set itself on fire...

anyone else see an insurance claim coming?  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 19, 2010, 17:23
and it's got to sell the worst rubbish frozen food in the world! (Hmm, how many ways can we repackage fat/sugar combinations?)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 19, 2010, 17:45
and it's got to sell the worst rubbish frozen food in the world! (Hmm, how many ways can we repackage fat/sugar combinations?)

here's one way :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on April 19, 2010, 22:49
 ::) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: unconcerned on April 20, 2010, 11:46
I couldn't find the 'What the hell did they think they were doing thread, so here goes:
q7OGUAQSYQ4
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 20, 2010, 13:44
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,
it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show
you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11.  A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted
in Linoleum Blownapart.

12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

15. A calendar's days are numbered.

16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint
mine.

17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small
medium at large.

21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.

22. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

24. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought
she'd dye.

25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de
feet.

29. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

30. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

31. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

32. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

33. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
for littering.

34. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie..

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep
off the Grass.'

37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

38. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 20, 2010, 14:00
 :lol: :lol:, have now copied this and forwarded it on  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 20, 2010, 15:53
Very clever  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 20, 2010, 16:31
I've got loads of things like this but this one I haven't seen before.  A lot of my others have been around and around.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on April 20, 2010, 21:32
I used to buy a ticket for the lottery every week, but then I found out you could watch it for free on the television.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 20, 2010, 21:35
I used to buy a ticket for the lottery every week, but then I found out you could watch it for free on the television.
::) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 20, 2010, 22:27
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17.  If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18.  A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Harvey Nichols or harrods.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 21:24
O dear I cannot wait to see the Fallout from this one :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 21, 2010, 21:26
O dear I cannot wait to see the Fallout from this one :ohmy: :ohmy:

Why's that dear ?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 21:38
O dear I cannot wait to see the Fallout from this one :ohmy: :ohmy:

Why's that dear ?
I've seen DavetheSpread have his knuckles rapped for similar Ladies jokes Aunt Sally:ohmy: :D.
You all gang up and belittle us poor chaps :ohmy: :ohmy: :( :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 21, 2010, 21:43
Oh, I thought it was a joke about dogs  :blink:

I'll remove it if you don't like it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 21:48
No No please don't I think its funny And slightly True :ohmy: ;) Do i need to go into hiding now Aunty? ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 21, 2010, 21:58
I'd make myself scarce while the goings good  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on April 21, 2010, 22:02
I'd make myself scarce while the goings good  :D
Thanks MoS I'm off to read the book I'm currently reading :( :( ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 22, 2010, 08:00
i think its very funny and very true,i mean,you lock your wife and your dog in the boot of the car,let them out an hour later,who is happy to see you?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on April 22, 2010, 08:13
Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 22, 2010, 08:34
that is so funny - I know quite a few people with real broad yorkshire accents and could just imagine them having this conversation  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 22, 2010, 16:39
this lad was staying with his nan and said to her,"hey nan have you seen my pills they are marked LSD."
she said,"b****r the pills boy,go look in the kitchen theres dragons in there."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 23, 2010, 19:35
Why did the mexican throw his wife off a cliff?





TEQUILA  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 24, 2010, 20:03
DRING... DRING.... DRING...DRING

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi Darling.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mummy near the phone?'**

*'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do..**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, Darling?' **
Well, Mummy got all Flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring and now she isn't moving at all!'

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it.
**He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 01786 561895?'*
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 24, 2010, 20:03
One day, in line at the works cafe, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
And the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
Better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
Activity... It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
From his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
Happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins.. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
Get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Faz on April 25, 2010, 07:32
Here's a few :)

· I'm not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.

· I've spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero and it has amounted to nothing.

· BBC News 'Jo Brand involved in fraud case'.
Apparently she put on her tax return, 'Occupation: Comedian'.

· Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?
He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband.

· I have a stalker.
Everywhere I go, she's always there, 10 paces ahead of me...

· My wife's been sleeping in an airport for the past 6 days, with no food and no money.
If I feel sober enough in the morning, I might drive down to Heathrow and pick her up.

· When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

· "Torres out for the rest of the season"
So that makes it a straight race between Labour and the Lib Dems.

· My girlfriend's nose is pointed like a triangle.
The first time I met her I told her she had acute nose.

· I absolutely love helium filled balloons.
I can't speak highly enough about them.

· My Grandfather won 3 medals during the second world war.
In fairness the rest of the darts league were overseas fighting , so he only won them by default.

· After working at a sewage treatment plant for the past 7 years, i have finally realised..This is dodo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 25, 2010, 16:10
and the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 21:18
pic joke
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 21:20
funny pic
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 22:56
   
1. Families are like fudge. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

   
2. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

   
3. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber not the toy.
   
Growing Old
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
   
The four stages of life:

1.   You believe in Santa Claus.
2.   You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3.   You are Santa Claus.
4.   You look like Santa Claus.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sclarke624 on April 25, 2010, 23:01

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans
 

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to pee, sniff around the entire garden as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot on which to poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 26, 2010, 16:47
11.   Never, ever lick the, er, 'tackle' until the vicar calls round and is part way through eating a slice of cake.

12.  Late at night, stand rigidly in front of the kitchen door, ears back, tail down, hackles up and growling loudly, occasional barking mixed into the growling until  your male pet human wraps his coat round his PJs (even more fun if doesn't wear PJs to bed), picks up the poker and nervously checks the garden for intruders until the female pet human accepts there is nobody there.  When they are all settled down, leave them for an hour then DO IT ALL AGAIN - but louder and with more barking.  Great fun.

13.  Never bury stuff in newly dug-over and empty ground.  It is much more secure to hide your bones etc under growing vegetables where nobody will notice your excavations..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 27, 2010, 22:45
The fire engine
 A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with
little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
 The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a Dog and a cat.
 The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely Fire engine,' he says admiringly.
 'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied
one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.
 'Little colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could
 probably go a lot faster.  The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the
dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........
 "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
 have a siren, Would I?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 03:43
3 blonde essex girls walking out when they wander across some tracks,
1st one says "these are deer tracks",
2nd one says "No, these are badger tracks"
3rd one says," No, these are fox tracks".
Sadly, while they were arguing, they were run over by the train. :D :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:01
Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.
He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.
"Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"
Paddy says "I am sir"
Preacher puts him under the water, then says
"have you found Jesus?"
"No sir"
He puts him under for longer
"Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir"
He puts him under for 2 minutes
"Have you found Jesus?"
Paddy comes up gasping for breath and says
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?" :tongue2: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:05
Paddy speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 mins apart"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"NO", Paddy shouts,
this is her husband" :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:14
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazillian men die in a skydiving accident"
The blonde starts sobbing,
"That's horrible!!, So many men dying that way!"

Confused, the husband says,
"Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved"

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"how many is a Brazillion, anyway" :nowink: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:15
a look-a-like competition was held in China today,

Everyone won!!! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:22
Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman all discussing families.

Englishman says,

"My son was born on St Georges Day, so we called him George"

Scotsman says

"What a coincidence, our son was born on St Andrews Day, so we called him Andrew"

Irishman says

"This is unbelievable, can't wait to tell our Pancake" :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:30
A woman on her deathbed called her husband & asked him to open a box from under the bed.
Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash.

"what are the eggs for" he asks.

She replied,

"Everytime our lovemaking was hopeless, I put an egg in the box"

"Not bad", says the husband,
"3 eggs in 35years, and the cash?" he asks,

"Everytime I got a dozen, I sold them",  she replied. :D :D :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:32
Paddy doing a crossword asks Murphy,

"How do you spell paint?"

Murphy replies

"What colour?" :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:35
Paddy, still doing his crossword asks Murphy,

"How do you spell farm?"

Murphy thought for a moment and replied,

"I think it's E  I   E  I   O".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 04:41
If you think life is bad, how would you like to be an egg.

You only get laid once,

you only get smashed once,

it takes 4 mins to get hard, but only 2 mins to get soft.

you have to share your box with 5 other guys,

after 3 mins in the hot tub you get your head smashed in,

then you get poked by a load of soldiers.

So cheer up, life ain't that bad is it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 29, 2010, 10:49
I would just like to remind everyone that we have some very young members on the forum.  Please only post jokes that you wouldn't mind your 13 year old daughter or elderly mother hearing.  Anything else is not acceptable.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 11:59

Ice,
Apologies if I have offended anyone.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on April 29, 2010, 12:55
It was just a general warning to remind everyone that we have some very young forum members. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohsocute on April 29, 2010, 13:28
Ice,
Believe it or not, most of these came from my daughter who is 12yrs old.
I never realised that there were really young people on here.

Once again, apologies.

Regards,
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 29, 2010, 17:52
i cant see an end.

i have no control and i dont think there's any escape-i dont even have a home anymore

definitely time for a new keyboard.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 29, 2010, 18:03
Ice,
Believe it or not, most of these came from my daughter who is 12yrs old.

Once again, apologies.

Regards,


Then I would worry about the company your daughter keeps  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 29, 2010, 18:07
how many bigots does it take to change a lightbulb?


 no idea,she's too busy changing the outcome of the election.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on April 29, 2010, 19:35
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then you are probably the family dog
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on April 29, 2010, 19:58
It’s a bit early for Iceland volcano jokes.  We should wait awhile for
the dust to settle.

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are
accusing them of harbouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread
over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire.  This
has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there's volcanic ash in my soup.  I know, that's because it's
a no-fly zone.


I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of
frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers.  I realised
it must be the fallout from Iceland.

Volcano in Iceland.  What next - earthquake in Asda?

Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a
layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air.  No change, I’ve
been married to that bone-idle slob for 20 years.



 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on April 29, 2010, 22:49
agingchick I love every one of those  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 30, 2010, 08:14
me too  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 30, 2010, 16:41
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one - but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.

How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, you go off and have fun with your fancy friends.  Don't worry about me, I'll be all right here. On my own. In the dark.

How many health and safety executives does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three - one to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder

How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, who holds the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around her.

How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just redefine darkness as an 'undocumented feature'.

How many Apple developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just redefine darkness as the new Industry standard.

How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?
What sort of figure had you in mind?

How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change to bulb and twenty more to, like, share the experience, man.

How many Yemenis does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to mix the martinis while the other phones the electrician.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb and six hundred to claim the cost of a full rewiring job on parliamentary expenses while insisting it is all within the rules.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two - one to hold the lightbulb still while the other pins on the clean nappy.



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 30, 2010, 16:50
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

one thank-you very much!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Hawkins on May 01, 2010, 15:55
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest...
 The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
 I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another..

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries..

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, family jewels nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one
note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three
second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above
my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
family jewels and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 01, 2010, 17:22
oh hawkins absolutely brilliant  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 01, 2010, 19:31
It made my eyes water. :lol: :lol: Only in America. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cissie on May 01, 2010, 20:19
That is soooooooooo funny Hawkins :D :D made me cry  :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 03, 2010, 20:41
a salesman knocks on a front door and its answered by a ten year old lad. he has a glass of scotch in one hand and a cigar smoking away in the other.
the salesman says "hello son is your mum or dad in?"
to which the lad says,"does it look like it mate."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 03, 2010, 21:12
Well he could be minding them for his parents, while they, you know. Have qaulity time together. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 04, 2010, 11:52
Canvassing politician knocks on the same door a little later.  Same ten year old lad answers.
"Hello, young man.  May I speak to your parents?"
"They int in!"
canvasser raises despairing eyes to heaven and mumbles under his breath something about appalling standards of modern education, before turning again to the lad.
"'They int in'! Whatever happened to grammar!"
"She int in neither -she's out at t'bingo!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 04, 2010, 12:44
That's terrible, Hamster (but I like it!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 04, 2010, 16:06
That's terrible, Hamster (but I like it!)  :lol:

Truly terrible - social services should be informed immediately - a child of that age should not be home alone!!  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 04, 2010, 17:14
Memory triggered by the seagull-flavoured element of the 'Planting out' thread:


One of Her Majesty's submarines coming in from patrol, approaching the point for wheelover to enter the Gareloch, suddenly went full astern.

Much consternation as the way was quickly taken off the boat.

The Captain called the bridge in the fin to ask the reason, to be told by the Officer of the Watch that he had put the engines full astern to avoid some birds in the water dead ahead.
 
The Captain lost his cool slightly.  "You mean to tell me you went full astern to avoid running over some bl**dy seagulls?!"

"Not exactly, sir," replied the OOW.  "They weren't seagulls, they were waders..."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 05, 2010, 21:17
What do you call a man with rabbits up his b*m?

Warren............!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cissie on May 05, 2010, 21:42
Two bird's sitting on a perch
  one say's to the other
    can you smell fish ?? :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 05, 2010, 23:13
two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'How do you drive this thing?'  :tongue2:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 05, 2010, 23:30
what was the last thing that Rommel said to his troops before they got into their tanks?


           scroll down....




















he said 'Right troops, get into your tanks!'

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 06, 2010, 21:54
Heard a lovely one this evening on the radio...

Man walks into a pub.  Goes to the cigarette machine (do they still have them?), which says to him "You're an idiot. And I'm seeing your wife."

He then goes to the bar, where there is a bowl of peanuts, which say to him "you're a charming and very clever man."

So he says to the barman, "What's going on in this pub?" 

Barman says, "Sorry, I should have explained.  The cigarette machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentary."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 06, 2010, 21:56
Made me laugh PennyS!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 07, 2010, 16:06
recent satelite images have shown a new ash cloud settling over london.

apparently its nothing to worry about its just spurs fans blowing the dust off their passports.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 07, 2010, 16:45
recent satelite images have shown a new ash cloud settling over london.

apparently its nothing to worry about its just spurs fans blowing the dust off their passports.


.........or someone dusting Arsenal's trophy cabinet?!!!  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 07, 2010, 18:46
quite possibly :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 07, 2010, 18:51
What cabinet, the woodworm destroyed that years ago :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 07, 2010, 19:11
now now, its only 5 years
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 07, 2010, 20:30
If Arsene doesn`t spend money, it will be 6 years, next year. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 08, 2010, 07:29
now now, its only 5 years

And counting....... :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on May 08, 2010, 07:40
Nine words women use.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying UP YOURS!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on May 08, 2010, 08:22
WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you '
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 08, 2010, 10:38
and on all of those your mother was right  :lol: (mother of 2 and most of those phrases have been used at one time or another!!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on May 08, 2010, 12:50
Yes!!!  My mother used them on me and I used them on my kids. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 08, 2010, 12:52
Number 4 was the one that drove me crazy (and ultimately to leave home) in my teens  :mad:

Number 6 my mother taught me how to iron all my own clothes, but number 7 is my personal favourite and I used it as well  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 08, 2010, 14:01
so,David Cameron and Nick Clegg to form a coalition........

does this mean we will be Con-Dem'd
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on May 08, 2010, 14:58
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. 

Please select from the following options menu: 

If you are   obsessive-compulsive , press 1    repeatedly . 

If you are   co-dependent ,   please ask someone to press 2 for you. 

If you have   multiple personalities , press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 

If you are   paranoid , we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call. 

If you are   delusional , press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. 

If you are   schizophrenic , listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press. 

If you are   manic-depressive , hang up.
It   doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway. 

If you are   dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6. 

If you are   bipolar , please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep. 

If you have   short-term   memory loss ,   press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 

If you have   low self-esteem , please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you. 

If you are   menopausal , put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever. 

If   you are blonde , don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up. 

 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 08, 2010, 17:38
i like it agingchick  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on May 08, 2010, 17:50
Sent to sis in law - who is a psychologist! 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 08, 2010, 18:54
i like it agingchick  :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's brilliant - sent off to a mate in Australia.. thanks!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on May 09, 2010, 20:55
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the still shaking Driver said, “Are you OK?  I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”  The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the Shoulder would startle him so badly. 

The driver replied, “No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault; today is my very first day driving a cab, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 11, 2010, 08:21
The Old Dog

 A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle  named Cuddles, along for the company.
 One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
  The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
  Meanwhile, a monkey ! who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
  Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
  "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
 
Moral of this story....
 
Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 11, 2010, 22:16
David Cameron has only been in power for a couple of hours, and already there is a Scottish family homeless...............!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on May 12, 2010, 12:47
The wife of a mean man dies.
His  friends tell him to put a notice in the paper."will it cost much?' he asked 'A few quid"
He rings  the paper and gets through to births and deaths. "i wish to put a death notice in the paper'. "what would you like to say?'
" er, wife died "  'Is that it?"   " Yes".  "But you can put more in - you have enough for 3 more words"    Oh well er...  TOYOTA FOR SALE!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 12, 2010, 21:35
Jesus and Moses

 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?"  He hissed at the parrot. "Yup," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 12, 2010, 21:56
 :D :D :D :D :D excellent !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Spana on May 13, 2010, 22:03
 A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Dad dy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the * dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this only once.....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE * PORRIDGE YET



Edited to add, the swear word between 'THE' and ' PORRIDGE' has rightly been removed :D but I think it needs ones, so choose your own :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 14, 2010, 08:53
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 16, 2010, 06:39
A Cows Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle...

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that.'

You have to be So carefull don't you
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gsc on May 16, 2010, 07:25
Don't know if you've heard this one?

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
To get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
Doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
Flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Spana on May 16, 2010, 09:59
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I'd try it, but unfortunately I'm not growing cucumbers this year :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 16, 2010, 11:34
don't try it with courgettes instead then  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on May 17, 2010, 21:36
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.
His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears.
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you laugh?”
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 17, 2010, 21:48
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious at that age."

"Curious?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

(Toned down from the original).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 17, 2010, 21:53
Good one Dave  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 17, 2010, 22:12
whatsthatlongrectanglebuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 17, 2010, 22:15
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dunnow.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 17, 2010, 22:15
so sad  :blush: it took me a while to figure that out  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on May 18, 2010, 05:49
try hitting the del k
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 18, 2010, 16:11
whatsthatlongrectanglebuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

It's for when you've lost your reading glasses and can't see      the     little      keys  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 18, 2010, 19:55
it did'nt take the torys long did it,they have already made a scottish family homeless and unemployed.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 18, 2010, 20:50
andy posted that on the 11th dave....so you are well late, mate  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 18, 2010, 20:52
it's his age mum, forgive him  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 18, 2010, 20:53
bless! hormonal is he  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 18, 2010, 20:57
bless! hormonal is he  :tongue2:

And WOMEN don`t get hormonal? Yeah, right. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 18, 2010, 20:59
chortle
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 18, 2010, 21:14
[And WOMEN don`t get hormonal?
No, not at my age.  All I get is even. (http://bestsmileys.com/evil/3.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 18, 2010, 21:17
 The Offside Rule - For Girls

In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have....

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 18, 2010, 22:34
The Offside Rule - For Girls

In preparation for the World Cup, the "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have....

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes! At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

I have never ever understood (or bothered to understand) the offside rule.  You're the only person who's ever explained it to me in plain English.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 19, 2010, 18:33
bless! hormonal is he  :tongue2:

"hic" its all this wine mum :wacko: :D i keep losing days  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on May 19, 2010, 21:49
I think maybe me and my sense of humour don't belong here...............  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 19, 2010, 22:24
2 men in a butchers:
One says to the other "I bet you carnt jump and reach them two pieces of meat",
The other replied "No, the steakes are too high!"

Jack:
Why couldnt anyone called jack be a pilot, because when he was welcomed on boared and they siad "Hi Jack" everone thought there was a terorist attack.

Ill go get my coat ::)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on May 19, 2010, 22:29
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on May 20, 2010, 03:41
man falling with parachute problem meets man going up
'What happened to you?'
'Parachute problem , and you?'
'Fireworks'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 20, 2010, 12:01
I think maybe me and my sense of humour don't belong here...............  :lol:
Oh they do  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 20, 2010, 12:18
just so long as people remember we do have young children who read this forum and not just adults  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on May 23, 2010, 16:27
I hope this ones ok I think you have to be a certain age to understand it

On the subject of Colonoscopies. ... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
comments during the exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all.

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

         

     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 23, 2010, 20:08
I love number 10. :lol:

Went for a colonoscopy last year.  The nurse took me into a room to do my blood pressure and asked If I would like a throat numbing spray before the procedure.  I said "Bl**dy hell, how long is the tube". :ohmy:  Thankfully she had got me muddled with someone else. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 23, 2010, 20:31
Isn`t it normal practice to post pics on here? :tongue2: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 23, 2010, 21:56
'orrible things!  I had one a couple of years back and really hope I don't have to have another one for a very very long time  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 23, 2010, 22:05
I dont know if this is allowed, but I just find Tim Vine so funny, so i thought id post a link to a clip of his.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPaZfeAYUyk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPaZfeAYUyk)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 10:08
Oh Jamie - He's Tommy Cooper reborn :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 24, 2010, 21:09
Aunty, how can you compare him to that brilliant Welshman? Tommy Cooper made people laugh, that man didn`t even make me smile.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 21:25
I must admit that Tommy cooper is one of my all time favourite comedians.

The way Tim Vine tells a joke is rather Cooperesque.  Lots more to Tommy than just jokes though :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 21:25
jar spoon spoon jar
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 24, 2010, 21:28
Yes, despite being Welsh he was a genius of comedy. :tongue2:  It was his visual as well as spoken humour that I loved. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 24, 2010, 21:29
He would rehearse for hours to get the timing right
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 24, 2010, 21:37
He would rehearse for hours to get the timing right
Like Les Dawson playing the piano badly, it's not as easy as it seems.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 25, 2010, 06:56
I used to love Tommy Cooper, it was just so sad watching him on stage for the last time and realising that the fall to the floor wasn't part of his act  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 25, 2010, 07:47
Yes, despite being Welsh he was a genius of comedy. :tongue2: 


OI!!  
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 25, 2010, 17:23
Yes, despite being Welsh he was a genius of comedy. :tongue2: 


OI!!  

you tell em plum,aving a pop at you like that, isnt it :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 25, 2010, 18:02
ach y fi! Jealousy it is.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on May 25, 2010, 21:57

Words for Women to Live By in 2010


1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man, there is some woman tired of his bulls**t!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tires or Testicles, it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on May 26, 2010, 11:11
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 26, 2010, 11:18
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 26, 2010, 19:09

Words for Women to Live By in 2010


1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man, there is some woman tired of his bulls**t!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..

14. If it has Tires or Testicles, it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.



with the spelling in number fourteen,that would be right, :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 27, 2010, 08:43
Remember that Trillium is from over the pond and they haven't learnt to spell correctly, now, where is the spell check button?  ;)








Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on May 31, 2010, 10:00
More funnies please! 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 31, 2010, 15:03
   How to clean a toilet (according to the dog)...
 
 1. Put the lid and seat of the lavatory up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
 
 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
 
 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the lavatory, put the seat down and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.
 
 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the lavatory, the cat is actually enjoying this.
 
 5. Flush the lavatory three or four times.  This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.
 
 6. Have someone open the front door of your house. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
 
 7. Stand behind the lavatory as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
 
 8. The cat will rocket out of the lavatory, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
 
 9. Both the lavatory pan and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 31, 2010, 19:28
there was an explosion at a pie factory in huddersfield yesterday  ............................................. 3.14159265 people dead
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 31, 2010, 19:43
Don't get that one Dave  :(

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on May 31, 2010, 19:46
Don't get that one Dave  :(


Pie as in mathamatics equals 3.14. Hence the punch line  ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 31, 2010, 19:49
Ahhh...  ::)

I think it was having the number on two lines that threw me  ::)  I'll take a few of the


..................'s out  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 31, 2010, 19:53
Surely it's pi, not pie? :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on May 31, 2010, 19:55
Surely it's pi, not pie? :tongue2:
That's true but I kept it in Dave's context ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on May 31, 2010, 19:56
chortle!!! very good!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 31, 2010, 21:29
chortle!!! very good!  :lol:

We Welsh understand good pi`s. Clarkes, Peters.lol
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 31, 2010, 21:36
There is queue outside the Guinness book of records office,
Snow White thinks she is the most beautiful woman, Tom thumb who thinks he is the smallest man and Quasimodo who thinks he is the ugliest man.
Snow White goes in and comes out 20 minutes later saying " i am the most beautiful woman , and i have a certificate to prove it"
Tom Thumb goes in and returns saying " i am the smallest man and i have a certificate to prove it"

Quasimodo goes in and comes out saying " who the hell is davethespread "

 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on May 31, 2010, 21:38
Did he have the hump then?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 31, 2010, 21:51
Did he have the hump then?


Might have now. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 31, 2010, 22:17
Oh Oh you're in trouble  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 01, 2010, 07:33
and i heard that 8Doubles was so ugly that when doctor who was on the daleks used to hide behind the sofa.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on June 01, 2010, 07:49
and i heard that 8Doubles was so ugly that when doctor who was on the daleks used to hide behind the sofa.

Yep, my mum used to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 01, 2010, 07:56
try a pork chop now my dog will play with you :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 01, 2010, 08:54
Fetch Cesc, Fetch!!!!!  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on June 01, 2010, 12:22
That's nothing.
I was so ugly when I was born, the midwife slapped my mother.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 12:31
I'm so ugly my mum got morning sickness after I was born!  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 12:38
I was such an ugly child that when I used to play in the sand-pit the cat used to cover me up!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 01, 2010, 12:57
 :lol: :lol: :lol: at JayG! You really cheered me up this morning!! (Being a grump back at my desk)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 13:21
:lol: :lol: :lol: at JayG! You really cheered me up this morning!! (Being a grump back at my desk)


Oh good (nothing worse than a sour plum!)  :ohmy:

One more:

After I was born the midwife went to my Dad and said "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he's pulled through!"


(If it doesn't start raining properly here soon it's me who's going to need cheering up!!)  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 01, 2010, 13:47
i was so ugly as a child,they used to feed me with a catapault :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on June 01, 2010, 16:41
When my mum was carrying me, she got so fat, she didn't have elastic in her knickers, she had to have curtain rail.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 01, 2010, 19:14
When my mum was carrying me, she got so fat, she didn't have elastic in her knickers, she had to have curtain rail.

A man went to the doctors complaining that he felt like a pair of curtains.

Doctor said, "For heaven sake, pull yourself together man!"  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 19:31
Sometimes wonder if my parents even wanted me; at bath time instead of plastic ducks they gave me an electric toaster to play with!  :(  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 01, 2010, 21:33
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:36
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Don't you have a mirror ? DavidT  :lol: :lol: :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 01, 2010, 21:36
You are joking. :lol: :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:38
 You are quick as ever :( :( ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 01, 2010, 21:38
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Don't you have a mirror ? DavidT  :lol: :lol: :D :D

He used to, but somehow they all got broken!  :tongue2:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 01, 2010, 21:39
Only coz you looked into them Jay. ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:39
I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Don't you have a mirror ? DavidT  :lol: :lol: :D :D

He used to, but somehow they all got broken!  :tongue2:  :lol:
Perhaps it a mirror from an Amusement Site  :lol: :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: peapod on June 01, 2010, 21:42
OOO and I thought women were supposed to be catty

MEOW!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 01, 2010, 21:44
OOO and I thought women were supposed to be catty

MEOW!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Sorry Peapod us men call it banter ;) ;) Miaow :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 02, 2010, 01:07
OOO and I thought women were supposed to be catty

MEOW!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Sorry Peapod us men call it banter ;) ;) Miaow :D :D

Banter? Me...how?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 02, 2010, 06:32
blimey the claws really came out last night,did'nt they :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 02, 2010, 18:37
blimey the claws really came out last night,did'nt they :D
No Dave it was more like constructive debate!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 02, 2010, 18:49
blimey the claws really came out last night,did'nt they :D
No Dave it was more like constructive debate!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

On reflection I'm inclined to agree with you!  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 02, 2010, 20:20
I put it down to jealousy because I`ve never been ugly. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 02, 2010, 22:28
did your mother tell you that?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 02, 2010, 22:40
The most beautiful person can have an ugly soul. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 03, 2010, 06:11
my psychotherapist reckons i am consumed by vengeance,well,we'll see about that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 03, 2010, 06:24
yesterday i had an interview with a careers advisor,and he asked me what i thought i was best at.
so i thought for a moment and said,"im brilliant at wasting time",ive got a start at the council next week.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 03, 2010, 19:16
 :lol:  :lol:

Space for one more?   

On my pension I'll consider almost anything (if only I had the time!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on June 05, 2010, 14:58
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
 
 1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 
 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 
 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 
 4. A dog's parents never visit.

 
 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 
 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 
 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk...

 
 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 
 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 
 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 
 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 
 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

 
 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

 And last, but certainly not least:

 
 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


 
Ultimate True Test:
 Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Zeb on June 05, 2010, 17:34
(http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc34/Zeb1954/image001vz6.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Zeb on June 05, 2010, 17:36
(http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc34/Zeb1954/cartoon.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 05, 2010, 19:45
No more cartoons please.  Could give us a problem with copyright.  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jemimapuddleduck on June 06, 2010, 14:42
(http://www.cleanjoke.com/images/ducklingscam.jpg)

 :D
Original photo courtesy of www.cleanjoke.com
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on June 06, 2010, 19:34
Jemima, please could you edit the post to show which website that picture came from.  We have copyright difficulties otherwise.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 06, 2010, 20:02
I've attributed it to cleanjoke.com.  Just in case Jemima can't remember where it came from, as I often can't remember stuff either.  Or is that the Gin?  :wacko: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 06, 2010, 20:04
Gin or Age Ice, Gin or Age

(sound of Welsh feet running off stage left............. :lol:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 06, 2010, 20:12
Ice Age gin? is that vintage stuff ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 06, 2010, 20:25
Gin or Age Ice, Gin or Age

(sound of Welsh feet running off stage left............. :lol:)
What was I going to write? ???

Oh yes, my fellow celt, I love you man, you're my beshtest friend in the wurld, hic.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 06, 2010, 20:53
I am most definitely saying NOTHING. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ohbeary on June 06, 2010, 21:22
Mae ddim c ag gin ai 'n hen hia, or even new ice and old Gin! ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jemimapuddleduck on June 07, 2010, 10:11
oops. sorry about the copyright thingy...and thanks for bailing me out!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 07, 2010, 16:50
(http://www.cleanjoke.com/images/ducklingscam.jpg)

 :D
Original photo courtesy of www.cleanjoke.com

That's quackers! I'm sure ducks are honest!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 07, 2010, 17:02
why did the lion eat the tight-rope walker?



He wanted a well-balanced meal  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on June 07, 2010, 22:18
Beer contains female hormones !

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :


1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on June 08, 2010, 09:34
Beer contains female hormones !

Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :


1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.


No further testing was considered necessary.


OOOOOOH.  Aunty, where are you? 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on June 08, 2010, 09:38
This is no slight against Aunty, as she is a 300 year old wooden doll and not subject to the above.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on June 08, 2010, 09:56
Yes but she's a force to be reckoned with and will defend the womenfolk of this board  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 08, 2010, 18:30
A van driver had broken down at the side of the road, Paddy was driving past and decided to stop and see if he could help.

The van driver said to Paddy,

"I have got 4 monkeys in the backand I was taking them to the zoo, if I give you £300, will you take them for me, please"

Paddy agreed and off he went with the monkeys in the back of his car.

About 2 hours later while still waiting for the AA, the van driver saw Paddy driving in the opposite direction to the zoo with the monkeys still in his car.

Horrified, he shouted over to Paddy,

"I gave you £300 to take the monkeys to the zoo for me, but you still have them in the car"

"It's ok" shouted Paddy

" I took them to the zoo as you asked me too, but I still have some of the money left that you gave me, so now I'm taking them to the pictures" :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 08, 2010, 18:45
I was so drunk last night, totally hammered, when I got to the bottom of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

I crept up the stairs very quietly, so as not to wake the wife.

It was only when I got to the top  of the stairs I realised I was on the bus. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 08, 2010, 20:09
i should have never entered that 'massive butterfly' competition.

me and my big moth.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jemimapuddleduck on June 08, 2010, 20:15
 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on June 08, 2010, 20:51
i should have never entered that 'massive butterfly' competition.

me and my big moth.
Dave they get worse :( :( :( :ohmy: :ohmy: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 08, 2010, 21:32

For once I had some time on my hands, I want to thank you all  for a pleasant hour looking at all your funnies.

My father took me swimming.

It was not to difficult.

But Getting out of the sack was tricky
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 09, 2010, 10:55
In the strong winds we had in May, a figure came zooming out of  the low clouds to land heavily in my garden tangled in lines and wrapped up in billowing fabric.

"More nerve than I have!" I said, "Paragliding in this wind!"

"It's not a paraglider!" he replied in a shaky voice.  "Supposed to be a tent!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 10, 2010, 19:08
my mate just got himself a new polish girlfriend,it took her five days to hoover the house.turns out she's a slovak.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 10, 2010, 20:07
George w bush has compared president obama to jesus,when george was in office we would have done anythinbg for oil,even go to war.
president obama gets into office and millions of gallons wash up on his doorstep
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 10, 2010, 20:37
You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable

Or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'

__________

When a woman steals your husband

There is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

 

A woman is incomplete until she is married.

Then she is finished.

__________

A young son asked,

'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa

A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman, who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married

And by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

 

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and

Pay strict attention to every word you say...

Talk in your sleep.

__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage

Men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

__________

'A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man,

To Love and to forgive him , and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

 

__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.
 


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on June 10, 2010, 22:59
  A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in  the empty seat next to him.

 "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

 "This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would  have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting  event, and not use it?"

 "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come  with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we  haven't been to together since we got married.

 "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find  someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the  seat?"

 The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."

 Feel it, it is here!!!!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 12, 2010, 17:44
i never realised Heather Mills name in Korean is TAI WAN SHU
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 13, 2010, 18:05
i never realised Heather Mills name in Korean is TAI WAN SHU

Just as well she's not a twin = A pair of shu s  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 12:44
Paddy and Mick are racing up a hill,

"If I get there first I'm gonna write my name at the top" says Paddy.

Mick says,

"If I get there first, I'm gonna rub it out" :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 12:55
3 women, 1 engaged, 1 married & 1 a mistress decided to treat their men by wearing black leather underwear, black leather boots and a black leather face mask.

They met up the next day to compare the results.

The engaged woman said that her man leapt on her as soon as he walked through the front door and they had the most passionate night ever.

The mistress said the same.

The married woman sighs,

My husband walked in the door, took one look at me and said,


"What's for tea, Batman". :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 12:59
I said to my wife last night,

"right, my little cherub, upstairs now"

She looked at me and said,

"ooh,kinky"

I said

"No seriously, the footies coming on, get out my way".

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 17, 2010, 13:01
Murphy asks Paddy,


"What's your pet hate?"



Paddy thinks for a minute and says,


"I think it's when the vet shoves the thermometer up his behind".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wicked on June 18, 2010, 11:28
Daughter listening to a cd in the car, that keeps jumping...

'Mum, it's not fair... my cd has hiccups!'

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 18, 2010, 16:43
Murphy asks Paddy,


"What's your pet hate?"



Paddy thinks for a minute and says,


"I think it's when the vet shoves the thermometer up his behind".

That took me far too many seconds to get  ::)  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on June 18, 2010, 19:17
Paddy and Murphy, two friends from Leading Tickles, Newfoundland, were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,  "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again." Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 19, 2010, 09:10
Watching the world cup is alot like marriage,,,

You're supposed to enjoy it, but there's a constant droning in the background!!!!! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: SteveHorsfall on June 19, 2010, 09:55
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a pub.  The barman says "What is this - some sort of joke?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on June 19, 2010, 16:11
 The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"It's so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto aged 6.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 19, 2010, 18:11
Oh how cruel Jamie  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mobilekat on June 19, 2010, 23:14
Good one Jamie!!
Made me laugh (unlike the match that made us groan!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 20, 2010, 00:18
That's about the best joke on here!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on June 21, 2010, 14:38
HOW TO TREAT YOUR AGING WIFE
 
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Mike.  Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Kathy.
 
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Kathy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the pension benefits that we needed.


Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell at her.   Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me up when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the golf club, so I 'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
 
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
 
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I tell her to get herself a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
 
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Kathy.  I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.   Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
 
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
 
Signed, Mike
 
 
        Editor's note:
Mike died suddenly on June 13 of a perforated rectum and distended colon.  The police report says he was found with an extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip handle showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Kathy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Mike, without looking, somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 21, 2010, 15:24
Poor Mike - he was such a reasonable chap  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 21, 2010, 15:31
His only mistake was playing golf rather than reading a book  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on June 21, 2010, 19:33
He went to the club once to often, it appears. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 23, 2010, 00:37
Two tv aerials got together on a roof top, became good friends and decided to marry.

It was a pretty poor ceremony but wonderful reception!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on June 24, 2010, 14:29
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 24, 2010, 14:53
 :D

What's grey and can't climb trees?


A car park!  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 26, 2010, 08:37
Oh no aelf don't start that.
 Sigh.....
What's got red eyes and eats rocks?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 26, 2010, 20:42
A pineapple!

(I've assumed you made up the bit about the red eyes and the rock eating)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WirralWally on June 27, 2010, 01:59
What's got red eyes and eats rocks?

Would that be a red-eyed rock-eater?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 27, 2010, 12:12
Yup red-eyed rock eater.
What goes white flub black flub white flub black flub......?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 27, 2010, 14:53
a penguin in a washing machine?
a nun in a washing machine?
a nun dressed as a penguin, in a washing machine?
a penguin dressed as a nun in a washing machine?
a penguin dressed as a different penguin in...etc etc etc
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 27, 2010, 15:00
What is it that you can sit on, clean your teeth with, and eat your dinner off?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on June 27, 2010, 16:42
I saw joke on TV today, they call themselves england :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on June 27, 2010, 16:49
Englands new coach arrives tomorow....


.... to take them home
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 27, 2010, 16:51
Englands new coach arrives tomorow....


.... to take them home

 :lol: .......... Perhaps they are going somewhere  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 28, 2010, 13:45
A nun falling downstairs.
Hey aelf
what contains dirty water and floats
A carp ark
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 28, 2010, 14:21
A nun falling downstairs.
Hey aelf
what contains dirty water and floats
A carp ark


Ha ha ha! Love it!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 28, 2010, 18:29
oxo have brought out a new product,it comes in a white box with a red cross.

its called a laughing stock cube
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 28, 2010, 18:36
 :lol:  :lol:

Just remembered that the Red Cross also represents a provider of urgent international medical attention (if not actual surgery!)  :unsure:

(Sorry, bound to be the odd escapee from the World Cup forum!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WirralWally on June 29, 2010, 00:51
What is it that you can sit on, clean your teeth with, and eat your dinner off?

I'm sure that would be a chair; a toothbrush and a plate.  ::)


By 'eck there's some corn in this thread.  :dry:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on June 29, 2010, 06:04
:lol:  :lol:

Just remembered that the Red Cross also represents a provider of urgent international medical attention (if not actual surgery!)  :unsure:


Yes dear
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on June 29, 2010, 08:42
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________ _______
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 29, 2010, 09:29
and these people get paid a fortune!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 29, 2010, 15:55
the England football team flew in to Glasgow airport this morning to a heroes welcome
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 29, 2010, 16:03
oooh yes! very funny dave  :tongue2:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 29, 2010, 17:48
the England football team flew in to Glasgow airport this morning to a heroes welcome

Sadly it took me a minute to get that  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 29, 2010, 20:16
the England football team flew in to Glasgow airport this morning to a heroes welcome

Sadly it took me a minute to get that  :D :D :D

For a change I managed it in seconds  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 30, 2010, 20:41
south african police are holding an enquiry into how the England fan got into the teams dressing room.meanwhile,the F.A are holding an enquiry into how wayne rooney got into the England dressing room.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 30, 2010, 21:18
Wouldn't it have been great if the fan had attacked a player.  Can you imagine the headline.  "The fan hits the s**t". :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on June 30, 2010, 21:41
Wouldn't it have been great if the fan had attacked a player.  Can you imagine the headline.  "The fan hits the s**t". :lol:
:lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on June 30, 2010, 22:23
Wouldn't it have been great if the fan had attacked a player.  Can you imagine the headline.  "The fan hits the s**t". :lol:

Brilliant Ice.... Must remember to tell hubby that one when he comes home from work!!
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 30, 2010, 22:27
Blimey, he works late. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on June 30, 2010, 22:34
The downside of running a pub & restaurant I'm afraid....

on the upside - I get to spend all night on the PC in peace and quiet!!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 08, 2010, 03:18
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on July 08, 2010, 09:43
Trillium, that's brilliant  :D

(worrying thing is tho, you could be describing me  ???)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 08, 2010, 10:33
Yup! Been there, done all that, got the teashirt (put it somewhere "safe" but can I hell as like find it now!)  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on July 08, 2010, 11:32
Thank god I'm not the only one :D :D :D
Now what was I doing????
Diane
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 08, 2010, 14:20
Has anyone seen £10 in Thompson & Morgan vouchers? I put them somewhere safe...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on July 08, 2010, 15:02
so pleased it isn't just me like that  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 08, 2010, 16:24
The worst thing for me is losing my glasses. I don't need them for any close work, so I take them off and the wander off for a coffee or to do something else and then....without my glasses I can't see well enough to find them again, unless I can remember what I was doing in the first place  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 08, 2010, 16:31
The worst thing for me is losing my glasses. I don't need them for any close work, so I take them off and the wander off for a coffee or to do something else and then....without my glasses I can't see well enough to find them again, unless I can remember what I was doing in the first place  ::)

I'm lucky as I get my specs from the local supermarket - very cheap price - so when one pair wander off of their own accord I simply reach out for another that have decided to appear again. I have them all over the place including amongst the veg on the plot.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 08, 2010, 16:45
 :lol: good for you Learner...........my eyes are not a matching pair :blink:, so cheap is not a good option for me...I shop where you buy 1 get 1 free but still lose them too often :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on July 08, 2010, 18:12
:lol: good for you Learner...........my eyes are not a matching pair :blink:, so cheap is not a good option for me...I shop where you buy 1 get 1 free but still lose them too often :nowink:

haa haa mum not a matching pair have you got one at home and one away? :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 08, 2010, 18:48
It's the way you tell'em Dave  :lol:
I have one eye with weaker sight than the other, silly!
Off the rack glasses have the same prescription in each lens..which is why I can't buy them :(...........they are soo much cheaper though
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on July 08, 2010, 18:56
I suppose that is one advantage to being a Harry Potter.  I wake up, put glasses on nose, open eyes.  As I go to sleep, I take glasses off nose, head hits pillow .....  If they arent on my face I am a) blind as a bat and b) asleep or in the shower.  Only time I lose them is when someone moves them while I'm in the shower ....   >:( ...  and that doesn't happen more than once!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on July 08, 2010, 20:06
I`m with Learner, though I don`t lose or misplace glasses, I tend to flatten them.  :lol: :lol: :lol: As for the AAADD, I notice those affected are coffee drinkers, I don`t drink the stuff myself. :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on July 08, 2010, 22:25
It's the way you tell'em Dave  :lol:
I have one eye with weaker sight than the other, silly!
Off the rack glasses have the same prescription in each lens..which is why I can't buy them :(...........they are soo much cheaper though
Buy 2 pairs of different strengths and swap the lenses, will save you £££££££££££££s if it works.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 08, 2010, 22:27
It's the way you tell'em Dave  :lol:
I have one eye with weaker sight than the other, silly!
Off the rack glasses have the same prescription in each lens..which is why I can't buy them :(...........they are soo much cheaper though
Buy 2 pairs of different strengths and swap the lenses, will save you £££££££££££££s if it works.

That is a very good idea and I think it would work too for reading glasses anyway.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WirralWally on July 08, 2010, 22:45
Whilst the topic here is glasses, I'll share this.

My friend went to a cheap opticians and, for the first time, got a varifocal prescription.
He collected his specs and the optician warned him that he should take care as he may need some time to get used to varifocals.
My friend had terrible difficulty with them.
Someone greeted him in the street. He said 'I know the voice, but I can't see who you are', and explained that he had new specs.
That night he went to the pub, still having problems seeing correctly.
All night his friends joked about him needing a white stick or a guide dog.
He went home and attempted to watch the highlights of a world cup match on the tv, without success. All he could see was a blurred picture.
He was thinking that it must be really difficult to get used to varifocal lenses.
Having had a bit to drink he fell asleep in front of the tv.
As a joke, whilst he was asleep, his wife put his specs on his face upside down.
When he awoke, and looked at the tv, he exclaimed that he could now see perfectly well.


It transpires that his, cheapo, optician had put his new prescription lenses in upside down.  :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 08, 2010, 22:55
I can believe that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 09, 2010, 00:00
Have you ever watched anybody trying on pairs of cheap, over-the-counter, reading specs in supermarkets and other out-lets?

There's usually a mirror so you can see how much of a plonk (or not) you look in each different style. 

Why is it the manufacturers stick the label showing the magnification onto the lens (so you can’t see through it) or they attach some fiddly bit of plastic onto the bridge / frame... The wearer is supposed to be able to see what they look like in the mirror through all of this.

Enough to make you boss-eyed trying!  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on July 09, 2010, 19:53
Have you ever watched anybody trying on pairs of cheap, over-the-counter, reading specs in supermarkets and other out-lets?

There's usually a mirror so you can see how much of a plonk (or not) you look in each different style. 

Why is it the manufacturers stick the label showing the magnification onto the lens (so you can’t see through it) or they attach some fiddly bit of plastic onto the bridge / frame... The wearer is supposed to be able to see what they look like in the mirror through all of this.

Enough to make you boss-eyed trying!  :wacko:




I get around that by sending the wife to buy them. Get me a pair of 3 .5 please. :lol: :lol: 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on July 09, 2010, 20:36
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!




That's me, too. Have you found out that you can't sleep at night, but can nod off any time the telly is on, yet?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on July 09, 2010, 23:00
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing..

As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the post man earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, And notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!




That's me, too. Have you found out that you can't sleep at night, but can nod off any time the telly is on, yet?
Yep and I have only just hit 30, there is little hope for me
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 09, 2010, 23:03
A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.. That happens to me on days when either I have plenty of time so relax and wander or I am very tired and can't concentrate.

On such occasions I try to do more and get less done and end up even more tired until I crash out and sleep it off for around 30 to 40 minute. After this I can focus...

Now what was I posting about?  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 09, 2010, 23:38
sorry, I don't know...........I lost track of it all somewhere  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 09, 2010, 23:41
sorry, I don't know...........I lost track of it all somewhere  :wacko:

You're 'aving a larf wiv me!  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on July 10, 2010, 08:02
 I got AIDS

Always in debt syndrome
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on July 13, 2010, 01:15
Just got this via email I'll briefalise it. (briefalise - a word that didn't exist 'til now)

Couple in their nineties go to doctor, complain about memory loss.
Doc says write everything down.
Couple sitting in lounge, husband says 'would you like some ice cream?' wife sez 'yes but you'd better write it down ' It's ok I'll remember it, how about peaches with that?
Lovely but write it down. Hubby says dont worry i won't forget.
He comes back 20 minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs,
His wife said 'Where's the toast?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 13, 2010, 01:22
Just got this via email I'll briefalise it. (briefalise - a word that didn't exist 'til now)

Couple in their nineties go to doctor, complain about memory loss.
Doc says write everything down.
Couple sitting in lounge, husband says 'would you like some ice cream?' wife sez 'yes but you'd better write it down ' It's ok I'll remember it, how about peaches with that?
Lovely but write it down. Hubby says dont worry i won't forget.
He comes back 20 minutes later with a plate of bacon and eggs,
His wife said 'Where's the toast?'

This is as funny now as the first time I heard it....  :lol:

                                           .............trouble is it really does happen!  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 13, 2010, 09:57
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa.
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 13, 2010, 19:03
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa.
 
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


I think he might be the same chap wanting to place 1/4 million into my account!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DavidT on July 13, 2010, 21:35
And mine. 8) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on July 13, 2010, 22:14
And mine. 8) :D
Ha - he only offered you quarter of a million?  He offered me 5 million.  I think you were "had".
... Just waiting for the transfer now and then I'll be off on holiday.   ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on July 14, 2010, 12:07
  Lizard Birth"

                        If you have raised kids (or been one), and
 gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
 goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out  LOUD!

                        Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

                        Here's what happened:

                        Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he
 holds prisoner in his room.
 "He's just lying there looking sick," he told
 me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

                        I put my best lizard-healer expression on my
 face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
 indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to
 do.

                        "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

                        "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
                        "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
 Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

                        I was equally outraged.

                        "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
 didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

                        "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
 in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this
 sarcastically!)
                        "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
                        "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

                        "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some
 guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

                        By now the rest of the family had gathered to
 see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

                        "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
 experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
 birth."
                        "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

                        We peered at the patient. After much
 struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
 vanishing a scant second later.

  "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
                         "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

                        "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

                        "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and
 grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It
 disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

           "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

                        "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
 (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

                        "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
 We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

                        "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

                        The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
 and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

                        "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

                        "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
 Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

                       I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

                        "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

                        "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This
 lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
 Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as
 they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . .
 masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed,
 glancing at my wife.

                        We were silent, absorbing this.
                       "So, Ernie's just, just . . ... excited," my wife offered.
                       "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

                       More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife
 started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

                        Tears were now running down her face. "It's
 just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "
                        She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

                        "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet
 and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was
 glad everything was going to be okay.

                       "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

                       "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

                       Two lizards: $140.

                       One cage: $50.

                      Trip to the vet: $30.

                       Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

                       Priceless!

                      Moral of the story:

                        Pay attention in biology class.
                        Lizards lay eggs!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 14, 2010, 20:28
And mine. 8) :D
Ha - he only offered you quarter of a million?  He offered me 5 million.  I think you were "had".
... Just waiting for the transfer now and then I'll be off on holiday.   ::)

Would you like to borrow a bike? I have a spare.  ;)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 16, 2010, 00:48
My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on July 16, 2010, 09:14
I keep spinning around shouting 'BANG BANG'

I think I must have Turret syndrome   :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on July 16, 2010, 13:13
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 17, 2010, 21:58
A blonde arrived at the casino. She bet 20k. She said, 'I feel much luckier when I'm nude'.With that, she stripped,rolled the dice, she jumped and squealed 'YES! I WON' then picked up her winnings and her clothes and left. The dealers stared at each other. Finally one of them asked, 'What did she roll''I don't... know,I thought you were watching'.

MORAL - Not all blondes are dumb
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 17, 2010, 22:00
 :lol:  :lol: That's a good'un Jamie..........and a good lesson to learn ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on July 18, 2010, 09:39
:lol:  :lol: That's a good'un Jamie..........and a good lesson to learn ;)

Be sure to let us know how you get on MOS :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 18, 2010, 11:20
For my son's birhtday we bought him an iPod
For my daughter's birthday we bought her an iPhone
My birthday I was over the moon with an iPad,

so, thinking along the same lines for my wifes birthday I bought her an iRon,

that's when the fight started. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 18, 2010, 13:06
 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 18, 2010, 14:51
Paddy is booking into a guest house and looking around reception notices a sign on the wall,

He says to the owner,

"What time do YOU get in by?".

The owner looks confused and says,

"Well, I AM the owner and I live here, Why do you ask?"

Paddy says,

Well, on that sign there, it says guests have to be in before you!".

The owner says,

"No, stupid!, it says  that guests must be in before 1 am" :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 18, 2010, 22:15
Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes,
that way,
when you do criticise them,
your a mile away from them, and you have their shoes. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greenun on July 19, 2010, 14:02
Sign in the kitchen of a service station 40 years ago.

People are like birds, from a distance beautiful -


Close up, those sharp beaks, those beady little eyes.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 19, 2010, 14:31
non-PC joke from my favourite Oz-dwelling ex-bootneck:

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.
The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my Ute, and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the Bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' said the Manager, sounding a little exasperated.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

You there Boss?'
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on July 20, 2010, 09:33
HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient
is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number
of the patient?"

The grandmother in her
weak, tremulous voice said,

"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied,

"Let me put you on hold while I check with
the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,

"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is
doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me <<expletive deleted>>."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 20, 2010, 11:18
What do you call a cat that's just eaten a duck?

A duck-filled-fatty-pus!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 20, 2010, 11:30
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would like a brunette.  One day she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"  The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."  The farmer was amazed - she was right!

So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.  Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 20, 2010, 11:31
I really must learn to read - just posted a joke and discovered it was already on ... honest, I'm not a trainee blond derrrrr.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 20, 2010, 14:50
I really must learn to read - just posted a joke and discovered it was already on ... honest, I'm not a trainee blond derrrrr.

Never mind.... it happens to the very best of us - well, me, anyway  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 20, 2010, 14:51
The time to worry is when it was you that posted it the first time as well  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 20, 2010, 14:55
The time to worry is when it was you that posted it the first time as well  :lol:

Fortunately (?) my memory is not so good that I would remember!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 22, 2010, 13:42
A woman came home from a visit to the doctor and said to her husband 'the doctor says I have the breasts of a 20 year old' the husband said 'what did he say about your 40 year old bum'  the wife replied 'oh, he never mentioned you'      :ohmy: :ohmy: Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on July 23, 2010, 07:47

A woman came home from a visit to the doctor and said to her husband 'the doctor says I have the breasts of a 20 year old' the husband said 'what did he say about your 40 year old bum'  the wife replied 'oh, he never mentioned you'      :ohmy: :ohmy: Mrs Bouquet

MRS BOUQUET!! If I had said that I would have been in BIIIIIIG trouble. :ohmy: :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on July 23, 2010, 08:53
Indeed you would HP  :lol:

Mrs B - shame on you  :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on July 23, 2010, 11:21
Indeed you would HP  :lol:

Mrs B - shame on you  :ohmy: :lol:

But very funny though... made me (and hubby) laugh out loud!  ;) :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 23, 2010, 14:40
Funny! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on July 23, 2010, 23:35
Something has happened down on the allotment.

Someone has secretly tipped some topsoil.

Who could have done this?

The plot thickens ...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on July 23, 2010, 23:37
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on July 26, 2010, 21:38

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 27, 2010, 12:04
The Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in  Long Beach California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, some honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in  Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from  Harare to  Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an  Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a  New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The  Ann Arbor Micihigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in  Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a  Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***

They also vote........
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 27, 2010, 18:10
 :lol: :lol: :lol: Those are so funny
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 27, 2010, 18:35
Paddy has just got his second question right on Who wants to be a millionaire and is now on £200.
Chris Tarrant says here is your 3rd question for £300.

"who was the great train robber?"

A. Ronnie Biggs
B. Ronnie Corbett
C. Ronnie Barker.

Paddy says,

"Well Chris, I've had a lovely day & I'm going to take the £200",

Chris says,

"Are you stupid or what, you still have all your lifelines left"

Paddy says,

" I might be stupid, but I'm not a grass".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 27, 2010, 18:43
Murphy is on Who wants to be a millionaire and is on his final question for £1 million.

Chris says to Murphy,

" You have only 1 lifeline left, phone a friend, who do you want to ring?"

Murphy says

"I'll ring Paddy"

Murphy says to Paddy

"Which bird doesn't build a nest,

A. sparrow
B. Swallow
C. Cuckoo"



Paddy says

" 100% sure it's a cuckoo, yes definitely, it's a cuckoo"

Murphy wins the million and a few days later he sees Paddy and asks him how he knew the correct answer.


Paddy says,

"Are you stupid or what?, it's the only one that lives in a clock".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 28, 2010, 01:01
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 28, 2010, 01:40
Keeping up with the changing times, Mattel corp will begin selling a new "Divorced Barbie."

It comes with all of Ken's accessories.



At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.

During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on July 28, 2010, 09:27
My big brother gave me away at our wedding 35 yrs ago, he gave my hubby a few books of green shield stamps as well saying "here she comes with these"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 28, 2010, 15:04
My big brother gave me away at our wedding 35 yrs ago, he gave my hubby a few books of green shield stamps as well saying "here she comes with these"!

What! No 10 year warranty?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 28, 2010, 15:13
One of my wife's oppos was given away by her kid brother.
He shouted out "She fancies your mate, really!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fred Quimby on July 29, 2010, 13:37
Col du Tourmalet

Paddy and Murphy wanted to race up the Col du Tourmalet just like the Tour de France. Paddy said to Murphy "If I get to the top first I am going to write my name in chalk across the road just like the pros."

Murphy replied "If I get to the top first I'll rub it off."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Debz on July 29, 2010, 13:40
Why did the chicken cross the playpark ...

To get to the other slide.

Don't know if it has been on here before but I liked it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on July 30, 2010, 16:58
A Laurel and Hardy moment,

i was getting a microwave oven (heavy) out of the roof space yesterday sliding the said lump down the loft ladder in a stout cardboard box. Backing down the ladder a few steps arms fully extended my jeans decended to my ankles leaving me stuck halfway down holding a half hundredweight above my head.

Another fine mess,

 or as Homer would say DOH !

Belt and braces next time. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on July 30, 2010, 19:46
Reminds me of a few years ago when we had been to a concert at Osbourne House.  The concert had finished and we were all making our way back to the car park.  The 'gentleman' in front of us was as fully laden as the rest of us with chairs, table, cold box and other assorted picnic stuff.  We were walking across the car park when he started singing ' my shorts are falling down, my shorts are falling down' . And fall down they did exposing all he had to offer!  Nobody could do anything as we were as laden as him!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on July 31, 2010, 15:57
Our Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory  compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the one s with memory problems may have difficulty.  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.   

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
 
 


1. What do you put in a toaster?


 


 


 




 


Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.

 

If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 


 



2.   Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?





 


 


Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the ne xt question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





 



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


 



Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.



 
4 Without using a  calculator - You are driving a bus from London to

Milford Haven in Wales .   In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In   Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven   .. 


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?




 



 


Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?

   It was YOU driving the bus!!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.


PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 31, 2010, 16:16
Very good agingchick!

(Yes, I did do the test; let's just say it's nice to be "normal"!!)   ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on July 31, 2010, 19:59
Who am I?? :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 31, 2010, 20:21
Who am I?? :ohmy:

Not the foggiest......and I got full marks and only cheated once twice as Mrs L wandered in and started nattering part way through so I got confussled.  :tongue2:

Who am I?  No. I didn't ask that. Was it you?  :wacko:  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 01, 2010, 09:12
one day an eagle was sat on a branch high up in a tree doing nothing.along came a rabbit who said to the eagle,"can i sit around doing nothing,"so the eagle says"sure why not,"
so the rabbit settles on the ground below the eagle.

all of a sudden a fox comes out of nowhere jumps on the rabbit and eats him.

the moral to this tale is:TO BE SITTING DOING NOTHING YOU MUST BE VERY VERY HIGH UP.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 01, 2010, 09:24
talking to one of the sunday papers,david beckham denies he's finished,he said im English not Scandinavian,
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Oddpod on August 02, 2010, 12:52
liked this:

 _zmwRitYO3w

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 02, 2010, 15:51
(http://hamstergbert.zoomshare.com/files/ModelSecurityad.jpg)

every home should have one...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rockyracoon on August 04, 2010, 20:11
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud .
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
__________________
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on August 04, 2010, 21:31
Sorry, Aunt Sally, I knew you would probably be angry - I think it  was just to let you all know I am back, although, you will all know, it was a hospital joke, and it was told to me by my 'leading consultant'  !!!!!  :D Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on August 04, 2010, 22:54
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud .
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
__________________

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 05, 2010, 00:42
Heard on "QI" last night - what do the Welsh call a sheep tied to a lamp post?  A leisure centre!!  Made me and child giggle anyway :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on August 05, 2010, 09:39
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on August 05, 2010, 10:16
Do not throw stones at this sign.

one of my favourites. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 06, 2010, 07:29
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'


Sits back and waits for it to be removed, sorry mods but my laughter overtook my.........

Mark
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 07, 2010, 07:55
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on August 07, 2010, 07:58
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 07, 2010, 08:32
a group of us went out for an indian meal last night,and for a bet my mate started snorting chilli powder.he then collapsed at the table and slipped into a korma.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 07, 2010, 08:40
a group of us went out for an indian meal last night,and for a bet my mate started snorting chilli powder.he then collapsed at the table and slipped into a korma.

Did you phone for an ambulance and tell em to curry up
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 07, 2010, 13:49
a group of us went out for an indian meal last night,and for a bet my mate started snorting chilli powder.he then collapsed at the table and slipped into a korma.

Did you phone for an ambulance and tell em to curry up

i did but naan turned up :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 07, 2010, 13:53
because of too much argy bhaji in the high street :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 07, 2010, 14:57
Sure it was a korma and not Chicken Tarka (it's like Chicken Tikka but otter!)







(Yes I know, but some are new here and some hopefully have terrible memories!)  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 07, 2010, 17:57
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......

Several minutes later (well - seconds really) I got that  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 07, 2010, 18:11
I still don't get it    :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 07, 2010, 18:48
Niether did the paddy police.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 07, 2010, 18:49
Oh dear.

What do you use as a nose on a snowman?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 08, 2010, 12:35
first snowman to second snowman: "Can you smell carrots?.........."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 08, 2010, 12:38
A Cessna light aircraft crashed into a cemetery just outside Dublin yesterday.
Irish police announce that they have so far recovered 1142 bodies from the crash site.  The operation is continuing....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on August 08, 2010, 19:22
Another test for "whether you've still got your marbles"...

Q. 1 How do you get a giraffe in the fridge?
scrolll down...

















A: open the door, put the giraffe in, then shut the door.

Q.2  How do you get an elephant in the fridge?
Scroll down....






















A: Open the door, get out the giraffe, put the elephant in, shut the door.


Q.3  The Lion, King of the Jungle, calls a conference. All the animals attend except one.  Which one?
Scroll down.....


























A: the elephant - you left it in the fridge.

Q. 4  Someone who wants to attend the conference has to cross crocodile-infested waters to get there.  How does he do it?


















A.  Swim across - all the animals are at the conference, including the crocodiles.... you didn't forget did you?


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 08, 2010, 20:40
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......

It's taken me until now to work this one out ... sorry, lots of blond moments collected together here!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 09, 2010, 01:48
police in ireland today found a mass grave of snowmen,after further investigations it turned out to be a field of carrots......

It's taken me until now to work this one out ... sorry, lots of blond moments collected together here!

Worth it though... eh?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 09, 2010, 18:18
Oh dear.

What do you use as a nose on a snowman?

Aaaahhhhhh  ::) 8) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on August 11, 2010, 20:01
New Element Discovered!

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. 

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. 

Researchers at other labs indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years.  It does not actually decay, but instead undergoes reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange place. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization
due to some morons becoming neutrons, forming isodopes.

This moron-promoting characteristic has led some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. 

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You'll know it when you see it...
Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising

 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 12, 2010, 03:21
With the cuts being planned nationally it could be a very small particle   :(  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 12, 2010, 15:26
Short Neurological Test

   


   1 - Find the C below, Please do not use any cursor help.   


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2 - If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.  Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!
                                      If you can't - a trip to the opticians should put it right.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 12, 2010, 18:30
New Element Discovered!

A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. 

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. 

Researchers at other labs indicated that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as universities, government agencies, large corporations, and schools. The element can be found in the newest, best-appointed, and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years.  It does not actually decay, but instead undergoes reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange place. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increased after each reorganization
due to some morons becoming neutrons, forming isodopes.

This moron-promoting characteristic has led some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. 

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You'll know it when you see it...
Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are not promising

 



Are you sure its proper name is not Headteacher!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: SkipRat on August 13, 2010, 00:15
Because of my mood swings, my wife has bought me a new Mood Ring. I,ve worn it for three weeks now and we,ve concluded that if it turns green it means i,m in a good mood, but if i,m in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on her fore head.... :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 01:15
"Are you sure its proper name is not Headteacher!!"

Whoops, horsepooisgood....  :ohmy:  :blink:

                                           extra homework for you then!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 13, 2010, 09:40
How many Manx people does it take to change a light bulb?

None - they don't like change on the Isle of Man  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on August 13, 2010, 09:58
That's factual John not a joke  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 10:15
how many psychoanalyists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has really got to want to change  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 13, 2010, 10:47
Ok - if we're doing lightbulb jokes...


Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in bulbs of any sort.


Q: How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to post 'How to change a lightbulb'. One to ask to be sent pics on how to do it. Eight more to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 13, 2010, 10:55

Q: How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to post 'How to change a lightbulb'. One to ask to be sent pics on how to do it. Eight more to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

That's too true  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 11:06
how many teenage girls to change a light bulb?

Just one, she holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 11:13
that is factual as well!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 13, 2010, 11:23
OK - How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?


None - it's a hardware problem  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 11:31
but that's true as well :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 11:37
how many council staff to change a lightbulb?

no one is really sure - it goes something like this...

19 to ingore it, it's someone elses job
2 to report it as a health and safety issue
1 to fill in the health and safety report
2 to be on sick leave and unable to process the paperwork
3 to take part in the paper trail
1 to fill in the requisition form
2 to authorise it
3 more to take part in the paper trail
1 to recieve the requisition form and delegate the job
1 to be on sick leave and not available to do the job
3 more to take part in the paper trail
1 to complete the new requisition form
2 to authorise it
1 to recieve the requisition form and delegate the job
1 to be ready to do the job but not trained to use a ladder safely...


Aaaarghhhhh!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 13, 2010, 11:39

Q: How many forum users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven. One to post 'How to change a lightbulb'. One to ask to be sent pics on how to do it. Eight more to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a lightbulb.

That's too true  :D

I thought it more wnet on the line of, (and play spot yourself & others here, folks):

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 11:45
You missed the member trying to advertise his own lighting business...I think, or has that already been deleted by a mod?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 13, 2010, 11:46
but that's true as well :D

No it isn't - It's a firmware issue.   You need to upgrade to version 3.6544.2577.1a

  :tongue2:



Anyroads - something more topical...

A little old lady goes into the butcher shop and says, "I don't know what to serve my family for dinner."
The butcher says, "How about some cow's tongue?"
She says, "Are you insinuating that I'd eat something that's been in a cow's mouth?"
The butcher says, "Well I saw you in the grocery store this morning buying eggs..."


And DD - you've been a moderator way too long  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 11:50
That's brill DD. Which one are you?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 13, 2010, 11:58
How many Microshaft developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they just declare that darkness is the new industry standard.

How many iPhone users does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they just sit in the dark for ever, searching screen after screen for a iBulbChange app....

How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, you go off with all your fancy friends.  Don't worry about me.  I'll be all right.  Here on my own.  In the dark....

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A fish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 13, 2010, 12:03
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

- None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 13, 2010, 12:07
 :lol:  :lol: DD !!

(You forgot the poster who doesn't believe we should be using light bulbs at all and offers detailed instructions on how to grow your own carbon-neutral candles!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 13, 2010, 12:45
That's brill DD. Which one are you?  ;)

Having done an electical apprenticeship at Thorn Lighting, it has to be:

"2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp""

'cos it's true.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 13, 2010, 15:12
I bet you even know the difference betwen a fuse and a fuze!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 15:47
That's brill DD. Which one are you?  ;)

Having done an electical apprenticeship at Thorn Lighting, it has to be:

"2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp""

'cos it's true.

"Lamp" it is.... confuses little-uns in their science tests though  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on August 13, 2010, 15:50
"Bulb" is just the glass bit, or "envelope".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 13, 2010, 17:42
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 13, 2010, 18:09
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb.....fish
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 13, 2010, 18:21
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb.....fish

How long will it take Dave to wake up and notice that Hamstergbert posted the same gag on the previous page?  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 13, 2010, 18:56
I don't think dave wakes up  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on August 13, 2010, 21:33
He's obviously 'in the dark'  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 23:36
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"





What harrowing experience!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 13, 2010, 23:40
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"





What harrowing experience!

It's the way he tills them  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2010, 23:42
Paddy walked into a barn and caught Shamus doing a sexy dance in front of a large piece of farm machinery.

"Shamus", shouted Paddy,

"what on earth areyou doing?",

"Oh it's ok", replied Shamus,

"me and the missus are having a few marital problems, and the marriage guidance councellor said that if I wanted to turn my wife on, I should do a sexy dance to a tractor"





What harrowing experience!

It's the way he tills them  :blink:

We could plough on with this one for ages  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Carla on August 13, 2010, 23:52
“In English,” the lecturer said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 14, 2010, 00:21
“In English,” the lecturer said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Sometimes the simplest statements are the most powerful  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on August 14, 2010, 09:14
The improved National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists are scratching their heads, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were p****d off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**eholes in London !!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 14, 2010, 12:02
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 15, 2010, 07:23
how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb.....fish

How long will it take Dave to wake up and notice that Hamstergbert posted the same gag on the previous page?  ::)  :lol:

yaaawwn,did some one say something? oh sorry :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 15, 2010, 14:39
they are going to make a film about harold shipman starring robert de niro

the old dear hunter
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 15, 2010, 15:05
they are going to make a film about harold shipman starring robert de niro

the old dear hunter

OUCH! I feel really guilty for smiling  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 15, 2010, 18:32
they are going to make a film about harold shipman starring robert de niro

the old dear hunter

Dave, you will never go to heaven,  see you in the warm place then... :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 18, 2010, 12:51
Woman says to her husband,

" you only ever want to make love to me when you're drunk,"

Husband replies,

" that's not true, sometimes I want a Kebab." :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 19, 2010, 17:23
Some of you are wondering about plot security.  Well some Canadian's have a novel idea...


http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Friendly+bears+greet+police+executing+search+warrant/3417084/story.html

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

the racoon bit just finished me off!    :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 19, 2010, 20:26
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,

'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'

Oh God, I hope no blondys read this  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plot6b on August 19, 2010, 20:36
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,

'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. ..'

Oh God, I hope no blondys read this  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I think it's spelt Blondie. A brilliant original Punk Group from the late 70's ;) ;) :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 19, 2010, 20:46
I think you better duck for cover HPisgood  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 19, 2010, 20:46
Some of you are wondering about plot security.  Well some Canadian's have a novel idea...


http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Friendly+bears+greet+police+executing+search+warrant/3417084/story.html

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

the racoon bit just finished me off!    :lol:

I've now got a vision of a bunch of bears staggering around with "Don't bogart that joint, my friend" playing in the background  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 19, 2010, 21:00
I think you better duck for cover HPisgood  :ohmy:

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze tell me Auntie has not got yellow hair!!

Blondys was for effect, oh well. :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 20, 2010, 10:35
This blonde thought it was funny. :lol: :lol: :lol:

My GP has a blonde wife and last time I saw him we discussed 'blonde' jokes (yes, they have them here too) and he said he always told his wife "You may say 'I believe' but you can't use the phrase 'I think'."  The Gaffer told him he was a very brave man.  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 22, 2010, 12:48
                                      LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS!

Memory was something you lost with age...

An application was for employment...

A programme was a show on tv...

A cursor was someone who swore a lot...

A keyboard was a piano...

A web was a spiders home...

A virus was the flu...

A hard drive was a long journey down the motorway...

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived...

And if you has a 3" floppy...well you just hoped and prayed nobody found out.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 22, 2010, 12:53
 :lol:  good'un dave  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 23, 2010, 07:45
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D 'specially the last one. :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 23, 2010, 08:44
what do mexicans do when they are cold?


they use chicken fajitas
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 23, 2010, 16:47
what do mexicans do when they are cold?


they use chicken fajitas

Groan  :wacko:

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 23, 2010, 17:05
what do mexicans do when they are cold?


they use chicken fajitas

OK, I give in - I just don't get this one :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 23, 2010, 17:14
fajitas....pronounced faheaters  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 23, 2010, 17:23
fajitas....pronounced faheaters  ::)  :lol:

GROAN!!!

Not how you pronounce it in the American diner in Stoke - Fah gi (as in gin) tahs. You need to know the potteries accent to really appreciate it :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 23, 2010, 17:58
Now I'm not saying these are funny but.........I thought I'd share them anyway :blink:


Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on August 23, 2010, 18:12
Are you sure that wasn't the bottom ten list ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TheEnglishman on August 23, 2010, 19:10
Are you sure that wasn't the bottom ten list ;)

The bottom ten were truely awful.

I did like the Vanessa Feltz one though.  He says having just scoffed a packet of Jaffa cakes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 23, 2010, 22:10

9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."

Oh I love that one..  :D :D :D :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 24, 2010, 19:29
all men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs....

the problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves but the maniac does'nt
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 24, 2010, 19:31
but most women just wish he would  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 24, 2010, 23:35
M.O.S, you obviously have never met Mr Right yet then....

Mr. Right
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Carla on August 24, 2010, 23:45
It wasn't until I married Mr Right, that I realised his first name was 'Always'
Groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on August 25, 2010, 19:07
It wasn't until I married Mr Right, that I realised his first name was 'Always'
Groan  ::)

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on August 26, 2010, 00:33
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on August 26, 2010, 09:17
love them  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 26, 2010, 11:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol:  Really like 'adults' 1.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 26, 2010, 22:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Adult 1 is so true :D


Just read them out to OH, he was ok till I got to adult 1.....don't drink, eat cheese biscuits and laugh you choke  :blink: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 27, 2010, 00:16
Adult ones = excellent!!  ;)

Perhaps we could add a few to the list?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 27, 2010, 08:59
Adult ones = excellent!!  ;)

Perhaps we could add a few to the list?

OK!

Middle age is when you look to check the value of a dropped coin on the pavement before deciding whether to pick it up or not (but have to adjust your specs first to actually see it properly!)   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 27, 2010, 10:40
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

So it was you watching me in the supermarket yesterday :tongue2: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 27, 2010, 15:27
NEWS FLASH!!!!

The dead MI6 agent found  in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.

He is thought to have been stabbed and put in a hot bath first.

Police are treating it as a

"Boil in the bag Shepherd Spy!!".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 27, 2010, 17:31
NEWS FLASH!!!!

The dead MI6 agent found  in a bag in his London flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.

He is thought to have been stabbed and put in a hot bath first.

Police are treating it as a

"Boil in the bag Shepherd Spy!!".
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 27, 2010, 18:50
NEWS FLASH!!!!

"Boil in the bag Shepherd Spy!!".

Why can I not stop laughing :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mower man on August 27, 2010, 22:44
           Diets:

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco`s buying a large bag of purina dog
food for my daughters springer spaniel and was in the checkout queue
when a woman behind me asked if i had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant ? So, since I`m retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn`t have a dog, I was
starting the purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn`t
I ended up in hospital last time, but that I`d lost 2 stones before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. the food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again ( I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled
with my story. )

Horrified , she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish setter`s rear and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I`m now banned from that Tesco
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 28, 2010, 08:01
Thanks mowerman I've just splurted my breakfast over the computer laughing!!!
Brilliant.
 :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on August 28, 2010, 08:16
BBC NEWS "CHILEAN MINER PROPOSES FROM UNDERGROUND"

They have got to get these poor fellas out, they are obviously losing their minds.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: TeaPots on August 28, 2010, 09:36
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 28, 2010, 09:42
           Diets:

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco`s buying a large bag of purina dog
food . . . . . . . . . . . . I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

I`m now banned from that Tesco



 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D splutter, splutter, Frosties everywhere  :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Slowgrind on August 28, 2010, 09:46
Stunner mower man!!!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on August 28, 2010, 09:54
Is this what you'd call a shaggy dog story? :ohmy: Or cereal humour? :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 28, 2010, 11:26
Am still having a quiet chuckle about the field of snowmen, how sad is that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 28, 2010, 11:33
More blond jokes and apologies if you've heard them before:

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't fetch a beer from the fridge!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever!

Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren't admitted!

Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the W's!


A blonde comes home to find her husband in bed with a redhead. She grabs a gun and holds it to her own head. The husband begs her not to shoot herself. The blonde shouts at her husband, ‘Shut up! You’re next!’



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 28, 2010, 15:40
A blonde criminal mastermind.... well, anyway, a blonde criminal kidnapped a ten year old lad.  She gave him the ransom note and sent him home with it.
Next day the lad came back to the blonde criminal with his mother's response of "I can't live without my son - how could you be so cruel to a fellow blonde!"


Feller out on a ramble cannot make head nor tail of his map and, eventually, admits defeat.  Looking round he espies a blonde, working on her vegetable patch.
"Excuse me!" he says.  "Where does this footpath go?"
The blonde looks at him.  "Doesn't go anywhere.  Stays right there on the ground in front of the allotments!"
He sneers.  "What a stupid answer.  Serves me right for asking a blonde!"
She smiles at him.  "I am a blonde.  I may be stupid, opinions differ. But one thing for certain - I aint lost!"


Two blondes went to Battersea Dogs Home and each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friends was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?" 
This led to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours." 
The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing." 
"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.   After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars. 
Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."
"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. 
After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

 
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosties back in the box."

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 28, 2010, 16:27
Ha ha ha, love the last of those blonde jokes!!!


I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 28, 2010, 16:44
And now a few for the girls...

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.

Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to recognise it

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved"

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90

And finally...

What's the best way for a woman to get rid of excess fat?
Divorce him.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 28, 2010, 20:39
"Do you wakke up grumpy in the mornings?"
"No, I usually just let him sleep."



The death bed scene.
"Darling, when I go, and I am fading fast, I want you to remarry.{cough cough}"
"Don't be silly darling, you are going to get better!"
"No, I feel I am going.  Like I say, I want you to remarry.{cough cough}  Promise me?"
"You are being silly, but to calm you then, yes, I promise that if - and it is not going to happen of course, but IF you should die, I will meet your wishes and remarry.  Eventually."
"Good.  I want you to promise that affter you remarry you will give her all my jewellery too."
"Oh, darling, you really are a silly!  However, to keep you calm I agree, reluctantly, that if, and it is a huge if, IF you should in fact.....pass away then yes, I will remarry and yes, if you insist, I will give her your jewellery too.  Not that it is going to happen."
"Fine. {cough, cough}  And I want you to give her my little car too."
"I don't suppost there is any point in trying to argue is there? No.  Okay, darling, if, and boy is that an absolutley immense if, IF you should in fact pass over and join the choir invisible then yes in accordance with your wishes I will, reluctantly, remarry eventually, and if, I mean when I do I will pass on your jewellery as you instruct and I suppose, OK, well, yes I will pass on your little car too."
"Thank you darling. {cough cough}  I am getting weaker now, I can fell myself slipping away.  Just one thing, sweetheart.  When you remarry and give your new wife all my jewellery {cough cough} and my little car, {cough} just promise me you won't let her wear any of my clothes!"
"Oh, don't worry, darling, I won't.  Besides, they don't fit her..."



and just one more blonde joke....

A blonde boards the aeroplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to the standard seating area because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again refuses, saying, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the pilot.
The pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the standard seating section. The head stewardess asks the pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the aeroplane wasn't going to Jamaica."



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 29, 2010, 11:31
Another Blonde is sitting in a seat on a plane, a man walks up to her and says,

"That's my seat, move," >:(

"No it isn't", says the blonde, :(

"I'm telling you, that is my seat," said the man very angrily, >:( >:(

"I'm not moving, go find yourself another seat, " said the blonde adamantly, :( :(

" OK," the man shouted at her, :mad:

" you fly the plane, then" :mad: :mad: :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 29, 2010, 11:34
I hate women that wear loads of makeup. >:(

My ex-wife has just the right amount of foundation on her face,




She's buried under the house!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on August 29, 2010, 20:18
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


--------------------------------------------------------------------


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"



---o0o---



On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."



----o0o---



On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."



----o0o---


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."



---o0o---



"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



---o0o---


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



---o0o---


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."



---o0o---



From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."



---o0o---



"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."



---o0o---



Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."



----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



---o0o---



"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."



---o0o---


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



---o0o---



Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town :The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



---o0o---



Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



---o0o---



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."



---o0o---



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



---o0o---


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."



---o0o---



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."



---o0o---



Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



---o0o---


A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 29, 2010, 23:28
 A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on August 29, 2010, 23:36
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on August 30, 2010, 11:08
Kulula Airlines was laugh out loud funny, an airline with humour. :D

I like the plane , http://www.psfk.com/2010/02/kulula-airplane-rebranding.html
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: evie2 on August 30, 2010, 12:03
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Very funny, this is going on the staffroom notice board when we go back to school  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on August 31, 2010, 21:46
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 01, 2010, 10:24
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


These are just soooooo true yet very funny. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 01, 2010, 17:56
Mary had a little lamb,

but she ended up putting that in the bin too
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 02, 2010, 08:31
Reading an article in the Radio Times has reminded me of an incident which happened to me many years ago:

I worked shifts at the time, on this occasion it was the day shift, starting at 0600.

I woke up in a panic at quarter past six, having already overslept once that week!
Threw clothes on, threw a couple of slices of bread and cheese into the lunchbox, and raced the 10 miles to work ignoring all speed limits whilst rehearsing my excuses.

It was only when I walked into the office and noticed that it was a different shift on duty that I realised that I had already done my day shift that day but was so knackered I'd gone back to bed for a couple of hours and woken up thinking it was the next day!

That took quite a bit of living down I can tell you (I had already achieved some sort of notoriety having overslept for both an afternoon shift and a night shift!!)  :nowink:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 02, 2010, 08:33
 :lol: :lol: poor you
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 12:12
Not meaning to upset anyone, ;) but that moron of a woman :mad: :mad: who put that cat in a bin can use the excuse of blaming it on what she watched on tv as a child.




Where did Topcat live?   :tongue2: :lol: ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 12:14
Bad taste joke removed by Aunty.

Think before you type me dear  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 16:55
Ooops! :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 02, 2010, 19:35
A woman says to her husband,

" I wish I could have bigger breasts". :(

Her husband replies,

"Try pushing them into the settee and staying like that all day".


"Oh" replied the wife, "will that help?", ::)


"It should do", said the husband, "it definitely worked on your bum". :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 02, 2010, 20:20
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 02, 2010, 20:54
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Bit near indeed, but not touching the knuckle!! :D :D :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 02, 2010, 21:27
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

John send me a PM of the joke mate ... i hate to be left out  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 02, 2010, 21:37
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Are you saying I is rampant John  :ohmy:  I didn't ban anyone  ::)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 02, 2010, 21:53
GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed :)

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Are you saying I is rampant John  :ohmy:  I didn't ban anyone  ::)



Phwoar, now I as got a vision miss Sally :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 03, 2010, 17:28
Mary had a little lamb,

but she ended up putting that in the bin too

Taken me two days but I've just worked this one out!  Deeerrrrrrrr!!!! :nowink: :wacko: ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on September 06, 2010, 17:09
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow you feel better, even though you have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my chequebook off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where I find a cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all blooming day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 06, 2010, 21:21
Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on their belt or purse, I can't afford one
So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have
what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is
'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just
too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age,
and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when
your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
'Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I want to
'No, it's for my company to use! and see the look on their
faces.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should
write, 'A Good doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while
they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they
were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.






Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 07, 2010, 07:52
Ramblings of a Retired Mind

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should
write, 'A Good doctor!'


Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 07, 2010, 10:02
I got wheel clamped outside the bank this morning.My boss went mental.

he says i'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.


                               *                         *                           *
a bloke was stood at the bar when his mate walks in looking glum.
"Whats up with you mate,you look miserable."
"I've just been gin the sack,"he replies.
"Why's that."
"I dont know,i aint been there for two weeks."


                              *                           *                           *

I constructed a cupboard for my wife to put bed linen and towels,but while she was putting stuff in it,it collapsed and killed her

turns out i made a fatal airer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 07, 2010, 15:01
I got wheel clamped outside the bank this morning.My boss went mental.

he says i'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.

On you're bike!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 08, 2010, 17:27
i will never forget what my dear ol grandad said to just before he kicked the bucket.

he said,"hey boy,how far do you reckon i could kick this bucket?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on September 08, 2010, 17:39
How's the old joke go?

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my Grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 08, 2010, 19:40
How's the old joke go?

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my Grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers."

You been studying my posts again Dave? :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on September 08, 2010, 19:41
I did admit it was an old one.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 09, 2010, 01:35
I must read this earlier in the evening - laughing too loudly disturbs the sleeping beauties in the house!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on September 09, 2010, 21:48
Little Johnny at the breakfast table,
" Muuum this boiled eggs bad can i go out to play"

Harrassed mum from the kitchen,
"there`s nothing wrong, eat it !"

Little Johnny , "but muum it IS bad ",

Harassed mum ," If you don`t finish it you can`t go out to play",

Little Johnny some time later,














"Muuum !" ..................................................  "Can i leave the beak ?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 10, 2010, 07:06
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 10, 2010, 09:41
That's brilliant!  :D Thanks horsepooisgood for a great Friday belly laugh  :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 10, 2010, 14:04
Sorry if this has already made it on here but I just received it in an email and it made me laugh.

 Last night, my  kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from
 a bottle.   If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!
 
The little wotsits.

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on September 10, 2010, 19:29
A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets a mate in the pub.
"How was it?"the friend asks.
"Great"
"So why have you got a leg missing?"
"It was self-catering"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 10, 2010, 19:48
A cannibal comes back from holiday and meets a mate in the pub.
"How was it?"the friend asks.
"Great"
"So why have you got a leg missing?"
"It was self-catering"
Groan :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 11, 2010, 14:00
Some more for the list of great life truths that runs through this thread as a sort of philosophical sub-thread:

1.  Good health is merely the slowest rate at which on can die.

2.  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

3.  Some people are like those 'slinky' toys - not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you shove 'em down the stairs.

4.  Life is sexually transmitted.  It also has an overall mortality rate of  very,very close to 100%

5.  Health nuts are going to feel really stupid someday, laid dying in hospital of nothing.

6.  In the 60s people took acid to make the world seem weird.  Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it seem normal.

7.  What you do today can be like swallowing jalapeno peppers whole.  Not always much noticeable effect immediately but you'll get your ass burned tomorrow as a result.

8.  Why does a politician's "slight tax increase" cost you £200.00 whereas the same politician's "substantial tax cut" saves you £8.47?

9.  Men have two emotions : hungry and horny.  If my towel is hanging straight, make me a cheese sandwich.

10.  If a thermos flask keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, does the mess I get from putting hot soup and an ice lolly into it for a picnic mean my one is defective?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 11, 2010, 14:17
Brilliant  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:51
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


'THE TEETH.' she answered...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:57

The letter home that would sure put your mind at rest when the kids are away on a trip.....





Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Landrovers. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything, Scoutmaster Ted says that we are the best group he has ever had!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:58
10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE ☼


Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again , are thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand --
And divorce is at least 100 grand!


Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year , the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year , they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife , you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.

Before marriage ,
a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage , he will fall asleep before you finish.


Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding , economical , and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding,
economical and a considerate lover,
but again, the law allows only one husband.


Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 07:59
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over , made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much , fell into the well , and drowned.

The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled , "It really works!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 08:01
So, in class, the teacher is giving a lesson in nutrition to the young kids, and to throw in a bit of spelling too, she asks what they had for breakfast, and to spell it.


Little Susan says "I had eggs -- E.G.G.S."

The teacher moves on to little Rose.

Rose tells her "I had toast -- T.O.A.S.T"

Johnny puts his hand up, and shouts "I had begger all -- B.U.G.G.E.R. A.L.L."

The teacher scolds Johnny, and makes a mental note that she could be in for trouble with this one.




The class moves on to Geography.

Susan can tell teacher correctly that the Capital of France is Paris.

Rose can tell teacher that the Capital of Norway is Oslo.

Deciding to put Johnny in his place quickly, she asks him the most difficult question she can.

"Johnny,where is the Pakistani border?"



Johnny ponders the question, and replies:



"The Pakistani Boarder is in bed with my mum,

- that`s why I had begger all for breakfast!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 14:09
A heart surgeon watches a mechanic strip and rebuild a bike engine. The mechanic turns to the surgeon and says "Our jobs are similar and require similar levels of skill and experience, so how come you make 5 times the money that I do?"
The surgeon smiled and said,





"try doing what you just did with the engine running".....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 12, 2010, 14:13
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Starling on September 12, 2010, 17:31
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'Well then, which one are you?'

Just woke the baby up laughing at that one  :lol: :lol:
Loved the scout one too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: agingchick on September 12, 2010, 22:43
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking
buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as
he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
 
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around
and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress
a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his
lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened
hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before
proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he
saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he
managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
 
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt
and his wife staring at him from across the room.
 
She said, "You were drunk again last night."
 
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her
and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
 
"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could
be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but, mostly....
 
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 13, 2010, 08:29
Just plain magic.......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 13, 2010, 18:57
how do you get 5 charazards and 3 balbasurs on a bus?

pok-em-on
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 13, 2010, 19:01
groan!
at least having spent the school holidays with a 5 year old.........I understood what you were talking about  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: tedsdad on September 13, 2010, 19:15
Quasimodo walks into a bar and orders a scotch.....


                Barman:    ' Bells  alright  ? '   
   

          Quasimodo:     'What's  it to  you  ?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 13, 2010, 19:58
Quasimodo gets home and Esmerelda's got the wok out..

"Are we having Chinese, tonight?" says Quasi.

"No" says Esie, "I'm just ironing your shirts"  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 13, 2010, 20:15
Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 13, 2010, 23:56
Quasimodo gets home and Esmerelda's got the wok out..

"Are we having Chinese, tonight?" says Quasi.

"No" says Esie, "I'm just ironing your shirts"  :ohmy:

I bet Quasi got the ' ump over that one!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 14, 2010, 00:15
Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John  :lol:

Sadly I do - but lucky for you they're not fit for a family friendly forum  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 14, 2010, 00:47
Boy i'm really glad you dont tell to many jokes John  :lol:

Sadly I do - but lucky for you they're not fit for a family friendly forum  :tongue2:

Yeah i know what you mean  :ohmy: thats why i haven't added any of my own  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 14, 2010, 19:24
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 15, 2010, 02:10
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:

I meant to watch it and forgot!  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 15, 2010, 08:51
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:

Dickie Bird often pops into our shop and he's doing well for his age but yes, his memory is sometimes a bit haphazard.  He always asks us the same question and he always gets the same answer but he's looking better than he did earlier this year. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 15, 2010, 09:06
There's a programme on BBC1 at 9 pm tonight called "The Young Ones"; it's about senility and how to avoid it (I think!)  :wacko:

Only problem I have is remembering to actually watch it!  :unsure:

Dickie Bird often pops into our shop and he's doing well for his age but yes, his memory is sometimes a bit haphazard.  He always asks us the same question and he always gets the same answer but he's looking better than he did earlier this year.

He sounds as if he would be very much at home on these forums!   :unsure:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on September 15, 2010, 19:02
Forum?
Who?
What?
I can't remember, and I can't hear

 :nowink:
and I seem to be talking to myself!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 16, 2010, 17:37
a coffee machine exploded in our sainsbury today killing one person,they didnt suffer though it was instant.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 16, 2010, 23:14
a coffee machine exploded in our sainsbury today killing one person,they didnt suffer though it was instant.

Is that black humour or white with two sugars?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 17, 2010, 05:50
a coffee machine exploded in our sainsbury today killing one person,they didnt suffer though it was instant.

Is that black humour or white with two sugars?  ::)
:D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 17, 2010, 16:38
How do you stop a mouse from drowing?

Give it mouse to mouse rescusitation!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 17, 2010, 16:54
Oh dear Lizzi  ::) did you get that out of a festive cracker ... i would of said Christmas cracker but the C word is banned  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 17, 2010, 17:52
My nephew bought a Mickey Mouse outfit from the Disney shop but where there should have been the traditional two big ears, his was defective and had three!  He had to send that part of the outfit back - the return of the three mouse-kit ears......



I'll get me coat (if a certain person has knocked one up for me out of old curtains)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pottyaboutgrowing on September 17, 2010, 18:47
 :lol:Man: 'Can I have a return ticket' please?'
Railway clerk: 'Where to?'
Man 'Why back here' of course.'  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pottyaboutgrowing on September 17, 2010, 18:49
What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant??

AngusMcCoatup :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pottyaboutgrowing on September 17, 2010, 18:51
Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
He got tiered of the holebusiness. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 17, 2010, 19:02


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too,"  says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that,"  says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"  explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."  "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"

     
(my coat is already on)..... :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 17, 2010, 19:15
what is a Cannergeroot?




A scotsman stuck in a lavatory  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 18, 2010, 11:31
what is a Cannergeroot?




A scotsman stuck in a lavatory  :D

Wye eye man that soonds like Geordie to me!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 19, 2010, 11:05
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 19, 2010, 15:14
Five (more) rules for living:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time,  cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to  be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on September 19, 2010, 21:15
Another good one, hamster  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 22, 2010, 20:59
Someone went into Mother-in-Laws garden yesterday and pinched a pair of her knickers off her washing line.

She is very annoyed, she doesn't want the knickers back,

Just the 48 pegs that were used to peg em out! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 22, 2010, 22:15
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 23, 2010, 13:27
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Obviously Keith Moon's car then. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 23, 2010, 19:37
In one of this weeks papers.................................. The lady who did the Speaking Clock has died this week :( :(  She died on the third Stroke!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on September 23, 2010, 20:13
 :nowink: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 23, 2010, 22:45
Lets see who knows all the old Mary had a little lamb ones. Heres a starter:--

Mary had a little lamb
she milked it with a spanner
the milk came out in shilling cans
and smaller ones for a tanner.

And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 23, 2010, 23:58
Lets see who knows all the old Mary had a little lamb ones. Heres a starter:--

And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching)

Mary had a little bike
She rode it across the grass
And every time the wheel went round
The spoke went up her  :ohmy:

Arsk
no questions
Tell no lies
Who saw the Chinaman doing up his  :ohmy:

Flies
are a nuisance
Bees are worse
This is the end of
This ridiculous verse!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 24, 2010, 09:54
Mary had a little lamb
It had a sooty foot
And onto Mary's new white coat
It's sooty foot he put
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on September 24, 2010, 09:56
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a bear
I've often seen her little lamb
But never seen .................
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 24, 2010, 11:23
Mary had a little lamb,
T'was colourblind, and so
It couldn't tell the red from green
And which was 'Stop' or 'Go'.
It followed her to school one day,
(A silly thing to do)
It crossed the road against the lights
And wallop - mutton stew!


Mary had a little lamb
And so of course the Daily Mail had a scaremongering headline about Cloning and Genetic Modified Organisms the very next day
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on September 24, 2010, 11:56
i've got one  :)

Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mike1987 on September 24, 2010, 13:05
mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a pylon
50 volts went up its bum
and now its made of nylon
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 24, 2010, 15:28
And remember its a family forum.
(Aunty is watching) ;)


I'd better stay off then :tongue2: :tongue2: :D :D.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 24, 2010, 15:56
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 24, 2010, 16:50
Sorry, can't keep away Auntie. :tongue2: :D :D :D

Paddy's wife is involved in a bad car crash.
In the hospital she is just talking gobbledy gook and the worried doctor asks Paddy,

"is she fully compus mentus?"

"No", says Paddy,



"she is just third party, fire and theft"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 24, 2010, 17:29
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot the shepherd
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 24, 2010, 17:32
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 24, 2010, 17:34
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.

Killer!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on September 24, 2010, 17:38
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.

that's a good one  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 25, 2010, 00:25
I took the dog over to the park to play frisbee with him this evening.

It was absolute rubbish.

I must get a flatter dog.

Any more like that one and we're all be hounded by the RSPC eh?   :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 25, 2010, 08:16
i have just watched a film about a couple who bought a haunted yoghurt

paranormal activia

                             *                     *                     *                       *

whats got twenty faces and three teeth

an episode of the jeremy kyle show
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 25, 2010, 09:04
Two Owls playing Pool.................................. Two hits to who :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 25, 2010, 09:46
Where does virgin wool come from? :)

Ugly sheep! :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on September 25, 2010, 15:14
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 25, 2010, 16:20
OUCH! That's a tough one  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave Mack on September 25, 2010, 19:01
 Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you will have wished you had a club and spade  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 25, 2010, 21:26
the scottish commonwealth team have said,they are disgusted with the health risks they were greeted by and how badly constructed their accomodation was.

they also went on to say leaving glasgow airport for delhi was the best decision they could have made.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 26, 2010, 09:41
" Waiter waiter! There's a fly in my soup "
" I'm sorry sir you did order vegetarian "   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 26, 2010, 11:10
" Waiter waiter! There's a fly in my soup "
" I'm sorry sir you did order vegetarian "   

"What's it doing in there?"
"The backstroke, sir!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 26, 2010, 12:23
" Waiter waiter! There's a fly in my soup "
" I'm sorry sir you did order vegetarian "   

"What's it doing in there?"
"The backstroke, sir!"
"Waiter waiter, will the pancake be long?"
"No sir, round"

"Waiter Waiter,what's wrong with these eggs?"
"I don't know sir, I only laid the table"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on September 26, 2010, 17:10
Waiter waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Jackson on September 26, 2010, 17:21
My wife just told me to "Grow Up"

I replied "but its conker season"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Jackson on September 26, 2010, 17:23
A man walks into a cocktail bar and asked for a "double entendre" so the barman gave him one.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 26, 2010, 17:26
"Here, Garkon, garkon, regardez - dans ma soupe!  Le mouche!"
"Ah non, m'sieu.  C'est LA mouche!"
"Flipping heck, you've got good eyesight!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on September 26, 2010, 21:24
A man walks in to a bar.... ouch!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on September 27, 2010, 10:03
"Here, Garkon, garkon, regardez - dans ma soupe!  Le mouche!"
"Ah non, m'sieu.  C'est LA mouche!"
"Flipping heck, you've got good eyesight!"

 :D :D :D :D :D

Must take it to work to show them - don't think they'll understand though!!

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on September 27, 2010, 12:49
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 27, 2010, 12:58
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat

Was that a joke me dear ?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 27, 2010, 19:46
when you set off dymanite it goes bnag!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 27, 2010, 19:49
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat

just got this  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 27, 2010, 23:21
GABN.........

Blimey, that's bang out of order  ::)



.............I'll get me coat

Groan - here's your coat  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on September 28, 2010, 13:00
A shop assistant dared to ask me why I needed twenty pots of Tippex this morning.

That was a big mistake.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 28, 2010, 13:08
groan  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on September 28, 2010, 19:36
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 29, 2010, 14:42
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

He Said 'Right Robin, get into the Batmobile!'   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 29, 2010, 16:44
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

He Said 'Right Robin, get into the Batmobile!'   :D
Kapow :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 29, 2010, 17:16
I bought some HP sauce today...........................It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 29, 2010, 17:25
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 29, 2010, 20:02
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 30, 2010, 06:28
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
nige try the shop that sells car keys
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 30, 2010, 06:36
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
nige try the shop that sells car keys

:groan: Morning Dave! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 30, 2010, 07:12
aelf and Nige.....groan  :blink:

Your jokes are like my macaroni..............really cheesey ::)
Thanks MoS.................. ;) ;)
I went to buy  some Camouflage Trousers today but I coudn't find any!!!!!!!
nige try the shop that sells car keys

:groan: Morning Dave! :D
:D :D morning lorna
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on September 30, 2010, 07:59
Paddy and Mick were reading headstones in the cemetery. 'Crikey'!! says Paddy 'There's a chap here lived to 152' !

'Jaysus' says Mick 'What's his name?'

'Miles, from London'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on September 30, 2010, 08:30
Last night the missus found out I had replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 30, 2010, 09:06
Paddy and Mick were reading headstones in the cemetery. 'Crikey'!! says Paddy 'There's a chap here lived to 152' !

'Jaysus' says Mick 'What's his name?'

'Miles, from London'

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 30, 2010, 19:17
Two Aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married.
The ceremony was pants but the reception was brilliant!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on September 30, 2010, 20:27
Two Aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married.
The ceremony was pants but the reception was brilliant!!!!!!!!!!

:double groan: ::) Evenin' Nige! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on September 30, 2010, 20:40
Evening Lorna :D :D :D :D :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 30, 2010, 22:46
Paddy and Mick were reading headstones in the cemetery. 'Crikey'!! says Paddy 'There's a chap here lived to 152' !

'Jaysus' says Mick 'What's his name?'

'Miles, from London'

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I loved that one too!!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 01, 2010, 06:52
the sculpture of sir paul mcCartneys head was found at reading railway station by a homeless person and sold for£2000

this is not the first time sir paul has been picked up by a tramp who went on to make a fortune out of him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on October 01, 2010, 07:15
 :unsure: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 01, 2010, 08:24
the sculpture of sir paul mcCartneys head was found at reading railway station by a homeless person and sold for£2000

this is not the first time sir paul has been picked up by a tramp who went on to make a fortune out of him.

 :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 01, 2010, 09:26
Since the mother-in-law  went senile, she came to live with us :(

All she does is stands there looking at the window,

I suppose if it starts snowing I'll have to let her in the house. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 01, 2010, 10:21
I LOVE mother-in-law jokes.  Thanks for this one. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: compo on October 01, 2010, 11:17
 My mother in law is coming down for the weekend.  She's been on the roof for a while now.... :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 01, 2010, 11:46
Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 01, 2010, 12:43
I bought my Mother in Law a new Jaguar last week................................................................

It's bitten her twice already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 01, 2010, 12:44
I bought my Mother in Law a new Jaguar last week................................................................

It's bitten her twice already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 :ohmy: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on October 01, 2010, 12:47
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 01, 2010, 12:52
:snigger:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 01, 2010, 16:23
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?

My MIL is lovely - not sure I could cope with her on toast though  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 03, 2010, 08:04
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on October 03, 2010, 12:33
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!

that's a good one nige  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 03, 2010, 18:38
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!

that's a good one nige  :D

Thanks for "posting" that one!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 04, 2010, 19:40
The ugly vegetable.................................It grew some and it grew some more!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 04, 2010, 20:03
TAXI for Nigel.............
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 04, 2010, 21:59
As told to me by child just minutes ago:

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Te-quil-a!

(Took me a while to work it out but I got there eventually.  I must be tired) :dry:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 04, 2010, 22:53
As told to me by child just minutes ago:

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Te-quil-a!

(To me a while to work it out but I got there eventually.  I must be tired) :dry:

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 05, 2010, 08:14
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on October 05, 2010, 10:03
As told to me by child just minutes ago:

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Te-quil-a!

(To me a while to work it out but I got there eventually.  I must be tired) :dry:

 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 05, 2010, 10:50
I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

GROAN!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 05, 2010, 15:49
Why is it that no matter what I do I can never please my Mother-in-Law.

I asked what she would really like for her birthday,

"I would like a coat made from animal skin," she replied.

"No problem", I told her,

so I bought her a donkey jacket!

where did I go wrong this time? :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 05, 2010, 16:16
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 05, 2010, 18:40
What do you call a Mushroom who is the life and soul of a party?

A Fun-Gi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 05, 2010, 19:17
 ::)  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 05, 2010, 19:40
Don't humour them Lorna!

On 2nd thoughts ...yes......please do give them some humour ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 05, 2010, 20:17
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 05, 2010, 20:24
Don't humour them Lorna!

On 2nd thoughts ...yes......please do give them some humour ;)
Ha Ha Ha :tongue2: Humourless indeed :ohmy:
I quote...............
A tough looking man was on our allotment site today! When he thought no one was looking he took the main gate. I didn't say anything as he might take a fence!

that's a good one nige  :D

Thanks for "posting" that one!  :lol:
So there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 06, 2010, 01:50
This is mythical and deep.          Truly beautiful... 


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. 
He replied, "She called Five Horses."
 
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean...




NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on October 06, 2010, 08:17
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 06, 2010, 09:37
Smile! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 06, 2010, 17:30
Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 06, 2010, 17:33
Apparently the Irish bobsleigh team have pulled out of the next winter olympics because they say the course is too icy,  and they want it gritting. :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 07, 2010, 09:43
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of “Blonde” jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While  her husband is off at work, she decides that she is  going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The  next day, right after her husband leaves for work,  she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He asks her if she if OK. She replies that yes she is. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are daft, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

(You'll love this...

I  know you will...)

"For  best results, put on two  coats."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:10
Oh no!!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:11
Why did the blond die in the helicopter crash?

Because she got cold and turned the fan off!  (Think about it ...) :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:13
Two blonds on the way to Disney Land Florida.

They see a road sign saying "Disney Land Left".

They started crying. :)


Not one of my best ones I'm afraid. :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:17
A blonde ordered a pizza and the waiter asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 10:17
Too many blond jokes, I need to get out more - just going... :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 07, 2010, 10:34
 :D I actually know a natural blonde who had dyed her hair dark so that she's not the butt of blonds jokes any more!  ??? She isn't the brightest cookie though....  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: IlOvEtHeGaRdEnZ on October 07, 2010, 10:59
a mans walking his dog between two hurses in a funeral prosesion with a long single line of men following.
a jogger asks the man ... 'i know this is a bad time and im sorry for your loss but ive never seen sun an unusual funeral... whos in the first coffin?'
The dog walker replies ' The first one is my wife '
Jogger : 'oh im sorry how did she die?'
Dog walker: 'well, my dog attacked and killed her'
Jogger: 'oh... sorry, who's in the second coffin?'
Dog walker: 'My mother-in-law, she was trying to help my wife when the dog killed her too...'
After a long moment of silence the jogger asks in excitement 'Can i borrow your dog  :D?'.
Dog walker: 'Join the queue'...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 07, 2010, 11:06
Excellent! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fisherman on October 07, 2010, 17:31
GUTS OR Balls ...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you off flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the a*** and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions...

...Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both result ultimately in death.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 07, 2010, 17:35
Keep'em child friendly please folks  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on October 07, 2010, 18:52
As an antidote to all the blonde jokes (from a blonde)

How do you make a man's eyes light up  :tongue2:???


Shine a torch in his ear

If that wasn't suitable Aunti, feel free to strike it from the record.

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 07, 2010, 18:54
That is funny and sometimes so true Eli
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 07, 2010, 18:58
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
So he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint!  Repaint!  And thin no more!"
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snap Dragon on October 07, 2010, 19:10
groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 07, 2010, 19:44
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We make love to them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning having great fun until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a fag."

Sorry Aunty
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 07, 2010, 20:03
groan  ::)

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 07, 2010, 21:38
When the border between Canada and the United States was being finalised, a joint team of Yanqui and Canuck fencing contractors set off along the 49th parallel hammering in fence posts and stringing a bit of wire as they went.   After six weeks they arrived  at a house that was slap-bang on the dividing line, absolutely exactly 50% each side.

The team had a discussion for a while and decided that in the interests of commonsense the border should take a tiny loop of a few yards, either to the north, making the house American, or to the south making it Canadian.  They were about to toss a coin but realised that perhaps the fairest thing to do would be to give the occupant of the house the choice and so they knocked on the door in search of the decision that would dictate the local boreder deviation from that day on.

The door opened and the occupant was revealed to be a sweet blonde who confirmed that yes, she was indeed the householder.   When asked whether she wanted the border to loop to the north and put her into America, or to the south and put her into Canada she replied firmly and without hesitation that the border should loop north, making her property definitely part of America.

THe team shrugged and went to get the fencing stuff, but one of them paused and asked her why she didn't even need to think about the decision.   "Easy", she replied.  "I would never make it through those freezing Canadian winters!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 08, 2010, 00:20
No more blonde jokes...... after this one.... (shame!  ::))

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 08, 2010, 11:32
Brilliant,  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 08, 2010, 11:43
A little girl went into a pet shop and asked,

"Excuthe me, do you haf any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melted, he got down on his knees so he was at her level and said,

"Do you want widdle white wabbit,

or a thoft fwuffy bwack wabbit,

or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?"


The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward
and whispered,

" I don't wealy fink my pyfon cares, do woo?" :lol: :lol:



Hope you like it, it took ages to type it. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 08, 2010, 11:55
 :D Well typed G!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 08, 2010, 11:57
Killer joke :)

ROFLOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 08, 2010, 12:42
try typing it and see how long it takes you,  :tongue2:

not easy when you have to mis-spell on purpose. :wacko: :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Christo on October 08, 2010, 12:48
Superbly typed G. Made me cackle.  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on October 08, 2010, 15:23
Very good!! :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on October 08, 2010, 17:03
It`s a cracker. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 08, 2010, 17:47
if vegetarians like animals so much.....why do they eat all their food?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 08, 2010, 18:22
 :ohmy:

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 08, 2010, 18:30
One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.

The man says rather sternly “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’m cold and hungry, can I come in and sit by the fire and have something to eat”? Says the snail. “NO”, says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the snail right over the garden wall. The man sits down and gets back to his programme.

Six months pass and the man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to himself for a while and then goes to answer the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again “What do you want”? And the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Foghorn-Leghorn on October 08, 2010, 18:31
You would think that if you pulled a snail's shell off then it would be able to move faster.  I tried it but if anything it seemed to be more sluggish.



                                                                                   (sorry!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 08, 2010, 18:55
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 09, 2010, 06:29
my uncle was struck off yesterday for having sex with his patients


shame because he was a dam good vet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 08:59
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 09:19


                                           
                                   
                           -" " "-

                     ,;'( o )  ( o )';,

                     ;';.  (o o)  .;';

                   (;;' (_____)';;')

                     ";:;.,'---',.;:;



 You posh person,  you have a computer with a built in mirror. :tongue2: :lol: :lol: :lol:
                                 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 09:25
A friend of mine is dating a pair of twins.

I said,

"How do you tell them apart?".

"Not a problem", he replied,

"Julie has got long blonde hair, and Dereks got a moustache". :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 09, 2010, 09:29
 :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 09:54
broke my record the other night for making love to my wife for 1 hour & 2 minutes. :tongue2: :tongue2:



then she told me that the clocks had gone forward. :( :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:08
Husband says to wife,

"You should wash your knickers in Slim-Fast, it might make your bum look thinner".

Next day, putting on his underpants he notices they are covered in powder,

"Have you put talc in my pants, Babe?"


"No", she replied,

"Miracle Grow" :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:12
A sinlge spelling mistake cost me a divorce.

I went to Amsterdam with the lads for a stag night and sent my wife a text,,


"Having the most amazing and wonderful time, wish you were her". :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:13
on a roll now, just trying to pick out the allowed ones!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:17
Husband and wife out driving, not talking to each other after a row,


Passing a field of mules and pigs, wife asks sarcastically,


" relatives of yours?"


Husband replies,



" Yes,  my in-laws".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 09, 2010, 10:19
Love 'em GTFC :)

Just don't scare the horses or upset Aunty who keeps us all on the straight and narrow!  :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 10:26
Thanks John,

Trouble is I've run out of the " allowed ones", don't want to upset anyone cos I know that there are youngsters on here and that I have to be careful. ;)

just been scrolling through my folders on my mobile and I have got 156 jokes that have been sent to me, maybe 140 won't be on here,  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 09, 2010, 11:10
 :nowink: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 09, 2010, 16:13
crowd of blokes in a pub and a woman walks past,

" I'd give her one ", said one of the blokes.

The woman turns round and says,

" I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on earth",

The bloke says,

" Who said anything about sex, I was marking you out of ten, fatty".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on October 09, 2010, 16:25
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local chicken farm and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”
The farmer complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The farmer complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The farmer replies “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on October 09, 2010, 16:43
At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 09, 2010, 18:41
At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?


I'm Batman.

 :lol:  :lol: Up and at 'em!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 09, 2010, 18:43
Birds and Bees….
One day a kindly Grandmother offered to look after her eight year old granddaughter.
Whilst in the middle of a game the child turned and asked Granny, 'What do you call it when one person lies on top of another person?'
Granny could not believe her bad luck in having this question asked and decided to explain all about the 'birds and the bees'.

The next day, her granddaughter came round again and said, “Mummy says that it's called 'Bunk Beds' and that she's coming round to see you later!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on October 09, 2010, 21:05
 :tongue2: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 10, 2010, 10:29
Birds and Bees….
One day a kindly Grandmother offered to look after her eight year old granddaughter.
Whilst in the middle of a game the child turned and asked Granny, 'What do you call it when one person lies on top of another person?'
Granny could not believe her bad luck in having this question asked and decided to explain all about the 'birds and the bees'.

The next day, her granddaughter came round again and said, “Mummy says that it's called 'Bunk Beds' and that she's coming round to see you later!”


The proper thing to do is to give a clear scientific answer in great detail. I usually find that by the time we've got to the role of RNA in DNA duplication, with a little aside on the discovery of the double helix that children are fast asleep :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Foghorn-Leghorn on October 10, 2010, 15:02
Have you noticed how attractive women drive small cute cars?
Which reminds me, the MOT on the wife's transit is due!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 10, 2010, 15:04
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 10, 2010, 15:21
A Woman's dog is drowning in the sea.
A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it & saves its life.

'Are you a vet?' said the woman.

'Vet?' said the German , 'I'm soaked!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 10, 2010, 15:23
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on October 11, 2010, 07:37
A child was put into an orphanage because his parents beet him.

When the orphanage asked him who hed like to adopt him he replied...

"The england football team, because they dont beat anyone"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 11, 2010, 07:51
Does anyone know how to retract a bid on ebay?

I just bid a fiver on a Mickey Mouse outfit and now I'm five minutes away from owning Liverpool Football Club!! :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 11, 2010, 09:22
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Have you any bread?"
The astonished barman looks at the duck and replies, "Sorry this is a pub, we don't sell bread", with that the duck waddles out.

The following day the duck returns to the pub and says to the barman, "Have you any bread?"
The barman replies, "As I said yesterday, this is a pub, we don't sell bread!", with that the duck turns around and waddles out of the pub.

The next day the duck returns once again, walks up to the barman and says "Have you any bread?"
Now very irate the barman says to the duck "Are you stupid or something, I've already told you we don't sell bread, if you ask me one more time I'm gonna nail your beak to this damn bar!" The duck turns around without a murmer and waddles out of the door.

A day later and the duck returns to the pub, waddles up to the barman and says, "You got any nails?"
The barman now ready to explode says, "NO WE DON'T SELL NAILS!!!"
The duck then replies, "Good, have you got any bread?"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 11, 2010, 09:23
That's one of my favourite jokes b2bm! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 11, 2010, 16:59
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 12, 2010, 15:35
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the values of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'  Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love s*x. The second floor has wives that love s*x and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 12, 2010, 15:46
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the  Scotsman said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife  and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
 
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said,  "Sir, you are too kind.. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high".
     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on October 12, 2010, 15:53
 :D :lol: didn't see that one coming  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on October 12, 2010, 18:57
A man goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is fat, yellow, lazy and drinks a lot and his wife Marge has big blue hair."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 13, 2010, 00:51
A man goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is fat, yellow, lazy and drinks a lot and his wife Marge has big blue hair."


 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 13, 2010, 07:46
just got that new 3D tv and its brilliant!!
i was watching the Liverpool game last week and fell asleep.....
when i woke up me wallet had been nicked!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 13, 2010, 07:49
And another thing...

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.

AND...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION

They kept talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why didn't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this -
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a hostile work environment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!
It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

I just did


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on October 13, 2010, 08:36
 :D :D :D! 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 13, 2010, 09:32
every word true ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on October 13, 2010, 15:13
WARNING: Drinking may cause memory loss.

Or worse, memory loss
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 13, 2010, 21:44

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U  -L  -L -S -*-* -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bulls**t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE
SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 14, 2010, 14:27
2 statues in a park, 1 a nude man, the other a nude woman.
They'd been facing each other for 100 yrs, when, one day an angel brings them to life.

The angel says,

"As a reward for being so patient all these years, you have been given life for 30 mins to do what you wish to do the most".

They look at each other and run behind the bushes, rustling and giggling ensues.

15 mins later they return out of breath, laughing.

The angel says,

" You still have 15 mins left, would you like to do it again?"

Nude man says,

"Shall we?"

Nude woman eagerly replies,

"Oh yes, but lets change positions.   This time I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on his head".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 14, 2010, 16:09
What do you call a stolen Yam?
A hot Potato..............
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 14, 2010, 17:26
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 15, 2010, 16:46
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE
I just could not help it.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 15, 2010, 16:47
The Harley Mechanic & Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when
he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was
waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc,
look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put
in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how
come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are
doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic,
"Try doing it while it's running."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 16, 2010, 17:43
Aliens are coming to Earth on Sunday and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy "old" people.  You will be safe; I'm just posting this to say goodbye.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 16, 2010, 17:47
I'll meet you on the spaceship argyllie  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 16, 2010, 18:30
Aliens are coming to Earth on Sunday and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy "old" people.  You will be safe; I'm just posting this to say goodbye.

Can you explain the meaning of the word "sexy" I've forgotten. What!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 16, 2010, 20:46
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 17, 2010, 12:04
sometimes when i reflect back on all the wine i drink i feel ashamed.
then i look into the glass and think about the workers at the vineyard,and all of their hopes and dreams.
if i did'nt drink this wine,they might be out of work and their hope and dreams would be shattered.
then i say to myself,"its better that i drink this wine and let their hopes and dreams come true,than be selfish and worry about my liver."

                                  *                           *                            *
when i got home last night the wife demanded i took her somewhere expensive.
so i took her to the petrol station.


                                  *                            *                             *
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 17, 2010, 18:27
the liverpool team coach was caught speeding this afternoon,a spokesman said it was the only way we could get three points.

                             *                           *                              *

what goes "ooooooooo"

a cow with no lips

                            *                            *                                *
tough game for liverpool next week.

football

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 18, 2010, 09:06
Love these jokes especially the cow one. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 20, 2010, 14:12
Sex at 75!!!  :ohmy:


I took a leaflet out of my letterbox this morning informing me that I can have sex at 75.


I'm so happy because I live at 67, and it's not that far to walk home afterwards! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on October 20, 2010, 20:27
The oldies are the goodies!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 20, 2010, 20:42
I haven't stuffed my face with chocolate since nineteen fifty seven.  And it is now twenty forty two - almost a quarter to nine.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 21, 2010, 13:32
Sex at 75!!!  :ohmy:


I took a leaflet out of my letterbox this morning informing me that I can have sex at 75.


I'm so happy because I live at 67, and it's not that far to walk home afterwards! :D

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 21, 2010, 18:37
Just heard this on "The Weakest Link", so it must be OK!  :unsure:

A man goes up to a farmhouse, knocks on the door and announces:

"Six of your hens have stopped laying!"

Farmer: "Crikey, how do you know that?"


Man: "I've just run them over in my car."


(Apologies to poultry-people; no hens were hurt during the telling of this joke!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 21, 2010, 19:00
liverpool have just made a bid for rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 21, 2010, 19:02
liverpool have just made a bid for rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season

 :ohmy: :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 22, 2010, 16:37
Just heard this on "The Weakest Link", so it must be OK!  :unsure:

A man goes up to a farmhouse, knocks on the door and announces:

"Six of your hens have stopped laying!"

Farmer: "Crikey, how do you know that?"


Man: "I've just run them over in my car."


(Apologies to poultry-people; no hens were hurt during the telling of this joke!)

NOw that's gone and upset someone and I'm in trouble 'cause I laughed!!  :lol:  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 22, 2010, 19:37
All the eggs keep being mysteriously moved around my kitchen in the middle of the night.

We suspect it is poultrygeist activity.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on October 22, 2010, 20:26
The wife says I'm immature........ I said that I was not going to talk about it in the Conker Season!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 18:56
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 18:58
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the editorial room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
________________________________________
I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No dodo, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is.....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:02
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:05
AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: "Why haven't you looked for a job in six months?"He says: "I have a problem with my eyes - I can't see myself working."

WHAT does a Newcastle fan do after his team has beaten Real Madrid in the Champions League? Turns off his PlayStation and goes to bed.

A WOMAN stands in the nude looking in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband: "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

SOMEONE with the Midas touch has good fortune and everything they have contact with "turns to gold".

PM Gordon Brown is said to have the "Andrex touch".

Latest new: the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

Bradford & Bingley employees are dismayed they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander. A spokesman explained: "Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition."

Breaking news:
Prime Minister Chirac has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide".
There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively crippling their military.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:07
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone
would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time,
on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by
those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to
fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 19:11
That's how the fight started:


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....



My wife walked into the den & asked, "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a silver bathroom scale.

And that's how the fight started.....





I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time," she said.

So I asked, " How about the kitchen?"

And that's how the fight started.....





My wife and I were watching " Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Would you like to make love?'

"No," she answered.

I then said, " Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply said 'Yes.'

So I said, " Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started.....



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Stella for £14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for £7.95.


I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And that's how the fight started.....




I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. I said, "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, " Aren't you worried about the mad cow? "

I replied, "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on October 25, 2010, 20:13
I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 25, 2010, 20:17
I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat ::)

Shall I hold it for you Jamie?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on October 26, 2010, 07:49
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers
...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over
at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on October 26, 2010, 08:09
Boat for sale on Ebay,

Ark Royal

No trailer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on October 26, 2010, 15:04
I was shopping in asda the other day when the shelf of toilet roll fell onto my head, i went to see my doctor and he says ive got soft tissue damage.

Ill get my coat ::)

Shall I hold it for you Jamie?

Thanks Mark :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on October 27, 2010, 11:18
Horsepooisgood, you are brilliant.  Loved these comments. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 27, 2010, 19:27
paul the octopus was'nt dead after all,

he was just worried the sea-life centre lacked ambition,

but has now signed a lucritive five year contract.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 27, 2010, 22:54
paul the octopus was'nt dead after all,

he was just worried the sea-life centre lacked ambition,

but has now signed a lucritive five year contract.
Subtle :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 31, 2010, 10:14
BBC NEWS: airport tax to rise 55%

The only people who will be able to fly will be bankers,politicians and well funded terrorists.

what a brilliant idea.

                                    *                           *                             *

so wayne rooney went to dubai for his birthday....

he must have saved all day for that.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 01, 2010, 00:35
Alzheimer's Test
I can't remember where I got this from or if I've passed it on before!!!


How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X   
4. P_N_S   
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
 
 
 




 
 
 
 
 
 
 
   
 
Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM   
 
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: horsepooisgood on November 01, 2010, 21:36
Financial Markets
Important news for those investing in the Japanese market:
"Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on November 02, 2010, 09:31
Yes, Learner, got them all wrong.  What does that say about me?!!! ??? :) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 02, 2010, 09:43
I got them all wrong too ::) ::) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 02, 2010, 10:36
I got half right half wrong..............is that worse  :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 02, 2010, 11:27
Yes, Learner, got them all wrong.  What does that say about me?!!! ??? :) :D

Same here! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 15:07
Paddy and Murphy on a building site, Paddy says,

" I want the day off sick, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad".

He climbs up to the rafters and hangs upside down and shouts,

"I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"

The foreman shouts,

"You're mad, go home",

so he leaves the site.

Murphy packs up his tools aswell and starts to walk off site,


"Where do you think you are going?" asks the foreman,

"I'm going home, you don't expect me to work in the dark do you?".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 15:12
Took a girl home last night after going clubbing, we had a few drinks at mine and went upstairs.

While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed,

" I hope that's not the ugly one from last week".

The girl said what on earth was that?"


"It's ok" I reassured her,

"It's one of those stupid memory foam matresses".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 15:18
The man at the bar looked into his pint and sighed heavily.


"What's up Dave?", asked the landlord,

"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth".


"It's my 4yr old son, he has got the nextdoor neighbour pregnant" sighed Dave.


"That's impossible", said the landlord,

"No it's not", said Dave,


"The little horror stuck a pin in all my condoms".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:01
Little Billy and Johnny were playing in the street when Billy jumped up onto a box and started going,

"brrrmm, brrrmm, brrrmm".

"What are you doing?, asks Johnny.

"I'm being a long distance truck driver", replied Billy.

with that, little Johnny started doing pressups,

"What on earth are you doing, Johnny?", asked Billy.


"I'm making love to your wife while you are away". repiled Johnny.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:06
A guy was driving down the motorway with his pretty young girlfriend when she said,

"I think the family in the car next to us are from Wales"

"Why do you think that?" her boyfriend asks,

"Well the kids have written on the window and it says",

"stit ruoy su wohs".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:19
A woman goes to the doctors with a black eye, she says,

"It's my husband, evertime he's drunk he beats me"

Doctor says,

"the only cure is to hum, when he comes in ranting and raging just hum away to yourself"


The woman went back 2 weeks later and says,

"Doctor, that was a great idea, he hasn't hit me once".

Doctor replied,


"I knew if you stopped nagging he would stop hitting you".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:44
Paddy was up in front of the judge for hitting his wife again,

The judge says,

"Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?"

Padyy replies,


"I think it's because of my longer reach, nifty footwork and weight advantage, your honour".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 16:51
An old couple sat in church, the old man nudges his wife and says,

"I've just let out a silent f**t, what should I do?"


his wife writes on a bit of paper,

"Get some new batteries for your hearing aid".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 02, 2010, 17:07
Please keep these jokes more family friendly some of them are going way too far.

Thanks
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 02, 2010, 17:33
Aunt Sally,
do you mean mine, if so, which ones? there is no swearing or anything like that, there are worse further back along the posts.

I am only trying to cheer people up that is why I adapt the wording from what it originally is, so as not to offend. :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 02, 2010, 17:37
Sexual inuendo is not for young eyes   :ohmy:

If there are worse further back it's because I've not read them  :ohmy:

Clean and clever jokes please. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 02, 2010, 19:28
GTFC - we do have some youngsters visit the site so it's not just a matter of language. Whilst I found all your jokes hysterical, they're going a bit too far for a family friendly forum.

I know, it's as bad as finding they've let children into the pub :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 03, 2010, 00:58
Yes, Learner, got them all wrong.  What does that say about me?!!! ??? :) :D

Same here! :D

You should worry.... I can't even remember posting it.  :lol:  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 03, 2010, 15:22
The Irish Millionaire.

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on
'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left -phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) A Sparrow
b) A Thrush
c) A Magpie
d) A Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

" Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."   

"Are you sure?"

"I'm  sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
 
Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"   

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a clock!"   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 03, 2010, 16:09
 :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 03, 2010, 16:48
 :lol: :lol:

I got excited then because i actually knew the answere to the question :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 03, 2010, 18:03
:lol: :lol:

I got excited then because i actually knew the answere to the question :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ::) :D

You could have been a millionaire Jamie  :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 03, 2010, 18:08
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 03, 2010, 18:19
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

Rather like blondes is that???? ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 03, 2010, 18:37
Indeed Eli  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 03, 2010, 19:12
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

I am minded of the Irish lad who in the summer vacation from Trinity College went for a job on a building site in London.  The foreman, who had a knee-jerk dislike of all Irish,  was unimpressed, didn't even look at his CV.   He just went straight onto the attack with "Ah, you Irish are all thick.  Bet you don't even know the difference between 'joist' and 'girder' now can you!"

The Irish lad shrugged.  "Of course I know the difference!" he replied mildly.  "Girder wrote 'the Damnation of Dr Faust' and Joist wrote 'Ulysses'....."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 03, 2010, 19:25
 :lol: :lol: :lol:  Good one :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 03, 2010, 21:44
John,

point taken, no problem. :) 

I think my upbringing in Grimsby was alot more open than most people. Coming from a long line of deep sea trawlermen we lived life to the full cos once you sailed out of the lockgates, you never knew if you were coming home again. :(

Apologies once again,

Mick.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 04, 2010, 00:18
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

And from my recent experience in Ireland - they are lovely people with wonderful manners and a brilliant sense of humour  :) as well as a lovely homeland to live in.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 04, 2010, 00:23
No biggie, Mick -there are times when I find it frustrating to be on my best behaviour. It's just that I don't want to lose my 'family friendly' status and find some of the automated control software is stopping kids from visiting the site to pick up gardening help.

As for Irish jokes - well for a people who are the butt of jokes implying they're stupid, they've got some of the brightest business leaders not to mention scientists.
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 04, 2010, 10:13
Here in Ireland they ask ...... Did you hear the one about the 'Kerryman'?
No idea who Kerry jokes are aimed at ...... probably Dublin!  :D

One absolutely true story though ..... An Irishman in Birmingham went down to the cellar to look for a gas leak ...... With a lighted candle  :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 10:46
here's a joke i made up  :D

what do you call a bird who's parents weren't married ?............

a bustard.

for anyone who doesn't know a bustard is a kind of bird  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 04, 2010, 11:05
Nice one BB  :lol:



The English make jokes about Essex people (they are all thick).

Kent people make jokes about Isle of Sheppy people (they all have six fingers).

Australians make jokes about Tasmanians (not sure why).

It seem that every society has to have a focus group to stereotype and be the butt of jokes, it's just a normal part of our psychology.  In these days of "political correctness" we have lost some of our funniest jokes  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: djeban on November 04, 2010, 11:27
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
   
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 12:13
thanks Aunty  ;)

here's another one i made, not as good though.

how do lions get there meat delivered ?.......

in a "car"cass  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 04, 2010, 13:13
Please be careful not to offend our [many] Irish members.  I find in general that they have an extremely high IQ  :)

I am minded of the Irish lad who in the summer vacation from Trinity College went for a job on a building site in London.  The foreman, who had a knee-jerk dislike of all Irish,  was unimpressed, didn't even look at his CV.   He just went straight onto the attack with "Ah, you Irish are all thick.  Bet you don't even know the difference between 'joist' and 'girder' now can you!"

The Irish lad shrugged.  "Of course I know the difference!" he replied mildly.  "Girder wrote 'the Damnation of Dr Faust' and Joist wrote 'Ulysses'....."

 :D :lol: :lol: :D :lol: :D  I really like that one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:39
What’s brown and runs around the garden? …A fence.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:41
A friend of mine, who was a keen gardener was out in his plot one day, when his neighbour popped his head over the fence and asked for some advice on planting potatoes. My friend told him that soil preparation was very important and to dig two spade depths, this being to loosen the stiff clay. Later that day, my friend looked over the fence to see how things were going, and you can imagine his surprise to see his neighbours head just sticking out of the top of this deep trench. His neighbour had thought that two spades depth meant the full spade including the handle!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:42
One cold night a man is sat by the fire watching his favourite television programme. The wind is howling and all of a sudden there is a tap, tap, tap on the door. The man thinks nothing of it and gets back to his telly. Five minutes pass and there it goes again, tap, tap, tap. So in a bit of a mood he gets up and opens the door. No one there! So he goes back and sits down. Just as before there is a little tap, tap, tap on the door. Up he gets again and opens the door. A quiet little voice shouts out “down here”, the man looks down, and at his feet is a little snail.

The man says rather sternly “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” “I’m cold and hungry, can I come in and sit by the fire and have something to eat”? Says the snail. “NO”, says the man and he lifts his foot, swings it back and takes an almighty swing and kicks the snail right over the garden wall. The man sits down and gets back to his programme.

Six months pass and the man is having his lunch when he hears a little tap, tap, tap on the front door. He thinks to himself for a while and then goes to answer the door. There at his feet is the same little snail and the man says again “What do you want”? And the snail answers back in a little forlorn voice, “What did you do that for?”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 04, 2010, 14:43
A friend of mine mistook a tulip bulb for an onion recently. He went straight to hospital and after a short wait in casualty the doctor saw him.

“Are tulip bulbs poisonous? My friend asked the doctor.

The doctor told him that they were and he would have to be admitted the poisons unit.

“Oh dear” said my friend “How long will I be in for?”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor “You will be out by spring!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: madcat on November 04, 2010, 17:12
Australians make jokes about Tasmanians (not sure why).

I suspect it might be something to do with the quality of the english exports sent there 200 years ago ....    ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 05, 2010, 20:59
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 05, 2010, 21:42
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  You keep coming up with them BB  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 05, 2010, 22:09
cheers  ;)

Policeman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge officer?"
Policeman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 05, 2010, 22:10
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 06, 2010, 00:45
One absolutely true story though ..... An Irishman in Birmingham went down to the cellar to look for a gas leak ...... With a lighted candle  :ohmy: :ohmy:

True story - some years back we were fitting a kitchen in Birmingham which included a gas hob. A pressure test disclosed a leak so Joe goes into the cupboard to check the joints. As he can't see well he lights a match. Kaboom!!

What really made it funny was Joe had had his hair permed and it had been somewhat singed, his face was black and Chris (the other fitter) launched into a rendition of Mammy. The customer is trying to dial 999 for the ambulance and fire (he was a bit panic-stricken) but gave up as we all dissolved into tears of laughter rolling round the floor. Happy days.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 06, 2010, 16:04
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 06, 2010, 23:08
What birds spend all their time on their knees ?

Birds of prey

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 06, 2010, 23:08
A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... ::)

hope i'm not going too far ?  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Oliveview on November 07, 2010, 06:49
A man had a pet snail that he used to enter into snail races.  The snail was a champion prize winner but over the years the snail had grownbigger and therefor slower.  The man decided that the snail needed streemlining, so he did a make-over on the snail (called Henry).
The man decided Henry needed his shell removing so there was no extra weight to carry for the race.  Once Henry was de-shelled the man  asked him how he felt.  Henry replied   
' a little sluggish'
 :D
Pamela
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 07, 2010, 08:37
A pet store had a parrot they were selling as a "talking bird." A customer walked in and asked, "What does this parrot say?" The store owner replied, "Light a match under the parrot's left foot and see for yourself." The customer did and the parrot started singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way..."
"Now try the right foot," said the owner. The customer moved the match under the parrot's right foot and the parrot started singing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas..." "That's neat," the customer said. "But what if I hold the match BETWEEN the parrot's feet?" "I don't know," said the owner. "Try it." So the customer lit another match and held it between the parrot's feet. The parrot hesitated, then started singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire... ::)

hope i'm not going too far ?  :unsure:


Had a good old belly laugh at that one  :D :D (hopefully Aunty will not catch up with you)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 07, 2010, 10:39
Had a good old belly laugh at that one  :D :D (hopefully Aunty will not catch up with you)

i'm glad you liked it  :) i'll try to behave myself now  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 07, 2010, 10:45
A piece of yarn walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender snarls, "We don't serve your kind here!". The yarn is forced to leave.

While sitting on the curb feeling sorry for himself, the yarn is suddenly hit with a brilliant idea. Working quickly, he ties himself into a knot and unravels his ends. Taking a deep breath, the yarn marches back into the bar and orders a beer.

"Hey!" says the bartender. "Ain't you that piece of yarn I just threw outta here?"

"Nope," replies the yarn, "I'm a frayed knot."  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 07, 2010, 12:26
Three old buddies are out for a walk.

Old guy 1 says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Old guy 2 says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Old guy 3 says, "So am I. Let's go get milk shake."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 07, 2010, 13:13
Reminds me of the Morcambe & Wise joke:

Two old men sitting on the sand one says to the other "Nice out isnt it?"  The other replies "Oh, in that case I think I'll get mine out later then".

If you think this needs removing Auntie, I'll perfectly understand.

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 07, 2010, 13:25
Morcambe and Wise did it with a little more decorum Eli  ::)

Ernie always prevented Eric from delivering the punch line and left it to the audience's imagination - seems there's nothing wrong with your imagination.  ;)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 07, 2010, 14:58
I really going to have to stop reading these - sides are sore from laughing.  ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 08, 2010, 10:24
AS -  :unsure:Isn't decorum that one with Frankie Howard in it? :unsure:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 10:30
Just found out that mother-in-law :tongue2: has got dementia,
bit upsetting,

 but I suppose I should be grateful for the £50 I get for my birthday every week. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 12:21
40 years of marriage..

 A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,

'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered,

'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband


The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment:

 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.


The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b......... should remember fairies are female.....

        SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN
        HANDLE IT!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 12:27
Never try and outwit your dad.


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son:


'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,  but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said,

'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ... and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You are going to love the Dad's reply:




 To this his father replied,




'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 08, 2010, 12:57
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Two great jokes  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 08, 2010, 13:02
Told you I could be good! :tongue2:

Well, sometimes. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 08, 2010, 13:03
Keep it up me dear  ;) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 08, 2010, 13:52
Keep it up me dear  ;) :lol:

 ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 08, 2010, 17:18
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 08, 2010, 18:51
Here's  a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
 
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you -
But will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this c**p about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
 
This is so simple that it's brilliant.
 
I can see it now:
you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 08, 2010, 18:55
I certainly wouldn't want the be an airport cleaning lady  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JamPan on November 08, 2010, 22:01
Oh dear, that made me laugh rather more than was seemly.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 09, 2010, 10:31
Oh dear, that made me laugh rather more than was seemly.

The best ones always do  :D ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on November 09, 2010, 18:08
another one i made up  :)

what do you call a piece of plastic that's sings very quickly for a living.....

a rapper
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Bizzi Lizzi on November 09, 2010, 23:34
another one i made up  :)

what do you call a piece of plastic that's sings very quickly for a living.....

a rapper

tee-he!!! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 11, 2010, 10:11
My mother-in-law has been missing for 2 weeks now, :D  and the police have told us to prepare for the worst, :D





So, I've been to the charity shop to get all her belongings back. :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 11, 2010, 23:31
My mother-in-law has been missing for 2 weeks now, :D  and the police have told us to prepare for the worst, :D


So, I've been to the charity shop to get all her belongings back. :tongue2: :tongue2:

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol: You and my OH would get one well!

I once had to go down to the town to buy something back as it was decided that I didn't want / need it any more.  :blink: It always amazes me how it's my junk things that "we" decide are not needed... rather than the OH's  ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dellie on November 15, 2010, 13:00
Hope this one hasn't appeared before -

A woman walks into the Whitfield benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'
'They are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all of your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he's Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one, he's also Terry.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Just what's going on? Are they ALL named the same or what?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, aye - it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just shout 'Terry!' When it's time for their dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an they all come
runnin.' An if I need to stop the wean who's running into the street, I just bawl 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's well the smartest idea I've ever had, namin them all the same eh?'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE child to come, and not the whole lot, what do you do?'

The Mother looks at her agog and says..... 'I call them by their surnames!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dellie on November 15, 2010, 13:02
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 15, 2010, 13:55
very clever, that one  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 15, 2010, 17:35
There realy clever :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 16, 2010, 22:10
A blonde driving her car, swerving all over the road,
Policeman driving behind her decides to pull her over,,

" can you please explain why you are driving in such a dangerous manner",  asks the ploiceman.

the blonde replies,

"because everywhere I go there's a tree in the way".

"No madam", says the officer,


"that's your air freshener". :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: eeedowls on November 17, 2010, 15:59
apologies if too near the knuckle...

Two nuns in a car driving down the street when a vampire lands on the windscreen.

"Quick, quick" says the first nun, "Show him your cross!"

So, the second nun winds down the window and says "oi you! %^*£ Off My Car"



I'll get me coat....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 18, 2010, 00:36
apologies if too near the knuckle...

Two nuns in a car driving down the street when a vampire lands on the windscreen.

"Quick, quick" says the first nun, "Show him your cross!"

So, the second nun winds down the window and says "oi you! %^*£ Off My Car"



I'll get me coat....

There are very few jokes that I remember - this is one worth remembering!  :lol:

And... it was a Headteacher's wife who told me!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 18, 2010, 18:35
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 20, 2010, 13:42
I saw this one in a magazine.
As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 20, 2010, 14:51
 :lol:  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 20, 2010, 16:29
 :D :happy: ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 21, 2010, 08:47
I saw this one in a magazine.
As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did it have a bark?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 21, 2010, 09:08
I saw this one in a magazine.
As a child, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did it have a bark?  ::)
No :( It was a bit Wuff though :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 21, 2010, 09:24
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 21, 2010, 10:32
groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 21, 2010, 18:51
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 21, 2010, 20:57
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)

I'm guessing half-board (definitely 2 short planks and well short of a full one anyway!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 22, 2010, 19:18
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)

I'm guessing half-board (definitely 2 short planks and well short of a full one anyway!)
Who Me :ohmy: :ohmy: :mellow: :mellow:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 22, 2010, 20:37
Two planks standing at a bus stop..................................." I'm bored " said one to the other!

Hard board, card board or side board?  ::)

I'm guessing half-board (definitely 2 short planks and well short of a full one anyway!)
Who Me :ohmy: :ohmy: :mellow: :mellow:

Nope! (Hopefully my veg advice is sometimes sensible, my jokes never!)  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 23, 2010, 15:39
 




A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 23, 2010, 16:29
LMAO!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dirt Diver on November 23, 2010, 16:40
Nice one :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on November 23, 2010, 18:12
LMAO!

Just as well you havent been having gunpowder on your cereal MoS - there could have been another big hole!  :tongue2: (in cheek)

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 23, 2010, 18:14
 ...very true   :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 25, 2010, 00:36
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her  husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, “I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.”

The elderly lady hung her head. “To tell you the truth,” she said, “his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old s** what his name is.”

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dirt Diver on November 25, 2010, 08:53
Nice one :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 25, 2010, 16:07
What's a calorie?

Calories are the little b*****s that get into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tighter.

   

MY WARDROBE IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE S****!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on November 25, 2010, 19:39
 :lol: :lol:
I have those in my wardrobe too!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 25, 2010, 20:51
are they the same bug...s that make your trousers grow too long...........unless I'm shrinking  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on November 29, 2010, 10:46
Conjunctivitis.com






That`s a site for sore eyes.









DOT DOT DOT DASH DASH DASH     i`m really sorry i did that.











Remorse code.     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 29, 2010, 18:08
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on November 29, 2010, 18:19
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
That one is older than you are Jamie!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 29, 2010, 18:22
Yep :D :lol:

Got told it by one of my teachers today :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dirt Diver on November 29, 2010, 19:53
Yep :D :lol:

Got told it by one of my teachers today :D

Jamie - the old ones are best, I had not heard that one.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 29, 2010, 22:27
Nice one Jamie!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 29, 2010, 22:36
Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."
 
 
So sorry I know there is something wrong with me for posting this.  Just couldn't help it!   
 
The little voices made me do it !!!
 
And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you  - I know you did!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 29, 2010, 22:42
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  Brilliant  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 30, 2010, 10:34
Need advice on price of meat, ;)


I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £40.00,





is that,,,     



2deer :lol:


couldn't resist it, :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 30, 2010, 10:38
Husband sat watching tv, wife comes into the room crying and says,


"Ive just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me",


Husband says,

"Sorry dear, I thought it was the start of Eastenders". :D


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 30, 2010, 10:46
Husband sat watching tv, wife comes into the room crying and says,


"Ive just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me",


Husband says,

"Sorry dear, I thought it was the start of Eastenders". :D

 :D :D  (Now the theme tune is going through my head - bump, bumpbumpbump, bump, bump)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on November 30, 2010, 11:04
Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 30, 2010, 11:07
Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I'm still trying to do the accent  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 30, 2010, 11:39
Thanks Learner. I love the 'ham bush' !!    :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Me too!!  :lol:

(Sometimes guess the punchline before I get there but not this time!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on November 30, 2010, 12:57
ive got myself a part time job on the run up to Christmas.



ive got to help audley harrison break through the cardboard on his advent calender.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on November 30, 2010, 16:48
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.  The class was in full swing.  The  instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the  men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of  the pregnancy.

She said  "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.  Walking is  especially beneficial.  It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."  Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
 
She looked at the men in  the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together  --  It  wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. "
 
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes", answered the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 01, 2010, 01:13
Hamming it up....

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 03, 2010, 20:10
Mark (Horsepooisgood) sent me this one :)

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find his entire herd of
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like
statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen.

The realization of the situation then dawned on him.With his entire
livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife
and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his
hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an
elderly woman walked by, 'What's the matter?' asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament
to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows'
noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to
normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what
she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who
had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that
was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No' said the farmer 'who is she?'



'That was Thora Hird.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on December 03, 2010, 20:19
I still like this one,

(http://ny-image3.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.196176639.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 05, 2010, 00:42
Nice one Jamie!!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 05, 2010, 08:48
 :D :D :D Jamie
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: philskin on December 05, 2010, 21:47
Don't know about you folks but this snow and cold is doing my head in' since it started the wife just stands there staring through the window. If it gets any worse I will have to let her in the house.     lol
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 06, 2010, 17:10
i phoned the lib-dem headquarters today and asked for a copy of their 2010 manifesto

but they said they had sold out
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on December 06, 2010, 17:28
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 06, 2010, 22:48
:lol: :lol: :lol:

It took me more than a minute to get that one!  ::)   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gypsy on December 07, 2010, 16:44
I was a bit slow to get that one,  :tongue2: :) :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 07, 2010, 17:42
so peter beardsley has been put in temporary charge of newcastle.

things are getting really ugly at st james park
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 15:18
Sorry to bother you, but with all this snow I could do with your help, I'm not far from some of you,,,


I have got problems getting started and could really do with a push,,,, :(


I feel really bad for asking, but I don't know who else to turn to,,,, :blush:





If anyone can help me,,


























I'm sat on the swings in the park!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 15:22
Paddy's dad died suddenly and he was on his knees crying,,
After a couple of minutes he got a phone call and started crying even louder,,

Murphy says,

"What's wrong now, Paddy?"

Paddy now sobbing replied,,

"That was my sister on the phone to tell me that her dad has died too"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 15:25
Just got home from shopping and found all the doors and windows open and everything gone :(






What kind of sad person would do that to my advent calender?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 08, 2010, 15:35
Paddy's dad died suddenly and he was on his knees crying,,
After a couple of minutes he got a phone call and started crying even louder,,

Murphy says,

"What's wrong now, Paddy?"

Paddy now sobbing replied,,

"That was my sister on the phone to tell me that her dad has died too"

You should be more sympathetic dear - they may not have had the same father ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 16:07
I made myself a snowman as perfect as can be,

I thought I'd keep it as a pet so I let it sleep with me,

I made it some pyjamas and a pillow for its head,

But as I slept he deserted me and left me with a wet bed. >:(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on December 08, 2010, 21:17
In recent conversations at Buckingham Palace Kate Middleton asked the Queen the secrets of a long marriage and life. 

The Queen replied "Always wear a seat belt and don't annoy me..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 08, 2010, 21:37
Just got home from shopping and found all the doors and windows open and everything gone :(






What kind of sad person would do that to my advent calender?

Brilliant :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on December 08, 2010, 22:12
'Scuse me, have a look at my signature. ;) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 08, 2010, 22:13
Oops ::) :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on December 08, 2010, 22:17
 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 08, 2010, 23:11
sorry Ice, didn't see that, my mate sent me it by text ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 09, 2010, 00:17
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI


The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's
'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions
of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races
are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not
only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12
seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 09, 2010, 08:01
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI


The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's
'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed
youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without
proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions
of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races
are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not
only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12
seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :D :D :D :D Brilliant  :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on December 09, 2010, 09:31
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

None taken John!  :tongue2:



What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?













You get run over  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 09, 2010, 10:35
Brillaint :D :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 09, 2010, 11:38
My new iron gate makes howling and moaning noises; thought it was caused by the wind but it turns out it's just over-wrought!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 09, 2010, 15:08
On the radio yesterday:

Posh important lady to old man "Don't you know who I am???"

Old chap "Sorry no I don't, but if you ask Matron she'll tell you who you are"

Tickled me anyway :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on December 09, 2010, 20:56
Keep 'em coming!  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 10, 2010, 09:43
police: student protesters have failed to sticke to the agreed route

to be fair so have the lib dems


                                *                             *                                 *
i once had a racing snail that never won any races,so i removed his shell to make him more aerodynamic.
it just made him more sluggish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on December 10, 2010, 10:57
A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote
frontier type town and walks into a bar

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native
American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress,
tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying
Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?' asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets
anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know
the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was
right.

'Alright' says the scouser, 'that was easy you probably recognised my
accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good,but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to
Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just
can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him
again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has
saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory
man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying
virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave
in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still
resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in
the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Flying header in the six yard box.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on December 10, 2010, 18:12
A  young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did".

MERRY Christmas
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 10, 2010, 19:57
Brilliant, Springlands :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on December 11, 2010, 08:28
Wonderful!  This thread really brightens my mornings!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 11, 2010, 10:51
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.


                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on December 11, 2010, 11:49
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Harold should be an inspiration to us all!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 11, 2010, 14:06
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.
                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:   (Both) my kind of jokes Dave!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on December 11, 2010, 15:15
Nelson Mandela was sitting at home having a beer and watching the telly when the doorbell rang. Standing on the step was a small chinese man with a clipboard which he pushed towards Nelson, saying "You sign, you sign". Nelson was a bit perplexed. He looked over the chinese man's shoulder and saw a truck full of car parts. "I'm sorry, but I didn't order this" he said. The chinese man referred to his clipboard and said " Ah - You not Nissan Main Deala?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 16:51
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.


                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

I coudnt stop laughing at the second one :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 11, 2010, 17:13
i never let my children watch big band performances on television.

theres too much sax and violins.
                               *                            *                                *
i was sitting up at three am this morning drunk and yawning and kept dozing off,it was at this point i thought,maybe i should'nt drive petrol tankers for a living.

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:   (Both) my kind of jokes Dave!!
i aim to please jay ;) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 11, 2010, 17:22
jesus once said"love thy neighbour" i bet he did'nt live on a council estate.


                                   *                          *                           *

10 things you never knew about me.

   1)i suffer with narcolepsy
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:26
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:27
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:29
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 11, 2010, 17:32
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!




That's daft Jamie.... He'll never see where he's going!!  ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 17:37
EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 11, 2010, 18:08
Paddy the Earthling: We put a man on the moon in 1969.

Paddy the Martian: Big deal! We're going to send a team to the Sun.

Paddy the Earthling: You're mad! They'll be burned up before they even get close.

Paddy the Martian: We're not that stupid! We're sending them up at night!




That's daft Jamie.... He'll never see where he's going!!  ???

Obviously they didnt think it through properly :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on December 11, 2010, 19:55
Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Police,
Police who?
Police don't make me eat Brussel Sprouts this year
 :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 11, 2010, 22:31
I was getting rather upset at some of the mad things that were being posted on this website: I thought there was a clause in the terms of use for the forum which required posters to avoid the more insane topics.

However I have to my disappointment finally realised there aint no sanity clause.



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 12, 2010, 00:22
I was getting rather upset at some of the mad things that were being posted on this website: I thought there was a clause in the terms of use for the forum which required posters to avoid the more insane topics.

However I have to my disappointment finally realised there aint no sanity clause.


Welcome to the forums.... you'll be ok and fit in nicely  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on December 12, 2010, 08:50
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when he hits a car windscreen?

His bum.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 12, 2010, 14:25
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 12, 2010, 16:37
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

Clever but oh so cruel :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 12, 2010, 16:57
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

makes a change for it to be said that way around  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 12, 2010, 17:21
How does a blonde make a man's eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear

Clever but oh so cruel :)


Worzel says it's a very sexist joke and he's going to sue you John - Don't worry, I've hidden his 'legal' head ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 12, 2010, 17:28
The government have advised that when travelling in these snowy conditions to allways take a shovel, rock salt, a flask, high visibilty jacket, and spare clothes.

I looked a right twit on the bus ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 12, 2010, 18:12
The government have advised that when travelling in these snowy conditions to allways take a shovel, rock salt, a flask, high visibilty jacket, and spare clothes.

I looked a right twit on the bus ::) :lol:

and it caused real inbalance on my bike  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 12, 2010, 18:29
Sepp Blatter was asked who his favourite Qatar player was.

he replied Eric Clapton.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 12, 2010, 23:24
Had to look up Sepp Blatter - we just called him Don Crook of Fifa. (He's the head of FIFA for others who like me would have to resort to Google)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fatcat1955 on December 12, 2010, 23:32
My dad hasn't spoken to my mum for 4 weeks......she say's it's rude to interupt her.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 11:27
Really Bad Day   

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on December 14, 2010, 11:29
This could be emails from our place...  ???

Christmas Crackers


From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 1 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 21, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Grill, with a free bar for the first hour.  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
                           
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 2 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which can coincide with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party”.
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 3 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. 
 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. 
 
How am I supposed to handle this?  Somebody?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 6 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are!
 
I had no idea that there was a belief system that forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours during December. There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a lunch at this time of year does not accommodate some of your beliefs.  Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything in tin foil to take away.  Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.  Did I miss anything?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 7 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

So 21 December marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?  Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.  Okay???
                             
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 8 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our MD dress up like Santa Claus!  Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our MD in a red suit.  It's a tradition, folks, like pumpkins at Halloween, family feuds over the Easter break or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
 
Could we lighten up?
                                 
From: Pam Lewis, Human Resources Manager
Sent: 9 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!?  I've had it with you people!!!  We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Grill whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes.  But you know, they have feelings too.  Tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right now!
                               
From: Terry Bishops, Acting HR Manager
Sent: 10 December 2010
To: Everyone
Subject: Re: Pam Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pam Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the clinic.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 21st off with full pay.
 
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 11:40
A woman takes her duck to the vets, the vet says "sorry dear but this duck is dead."

"Well I never" said the woman, "I want a second opinion."

So the vet goes out and comes back with a Black Labrador - the dog sniffs the duck and walks out.

Next the vet brings a cat in - the cat sits and stares at the duck then it too walks out.

The vet gives the woman the bill for £250.

At this point the woman screams at him "250 pounds just to tell me the duck is dead?"

"Yes" says the vet, "it was only going to be £20 but you have also had a lab report and a cat scan!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 11:45
A man's wife hits him across the head. He says "What's that for?"

She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sally written on it".

Quick as a flash he says "that's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly woman" - she apologises.

A week later she hits him over the head with a frying pan! He says, "What was that for?".

She replies, "Your horse has just phoned!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 14, 2010, 11:50
We'll be friends until we're old and senile.

And then, we'll be new friends!


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Couldnt' help wondering why the frisbee seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.

Then it suddenly hit me!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dellie on December 14, 2010, 11:57
 :D :D :D, realy funny GTFC, hope you don't mind but I've already passed these on!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on December 14, 2010, 12:05
a festive one....


What do elves learn at school??



The Elf Abet..

Sorry my 5 year old gran daughter told me that one.

xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 14, 2010, 12:15
Coronation Street have just renamed their football team, they are now known as,,,



Tram-near-rovers, :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on December 14, 2010, 20:25
Groan  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 14, 2010, 21:03
In these litigious times I offer the following Christmas greeting to one and all...

From me ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishees")

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non- addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that :

* This greeting may be subject to further clarification or withdrawal

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent seasonal greeting, whichever comes first.

* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor

* Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

And finally after all that..........

A MERRY Christmas AND A HAPPY NEW HOTICULTURAL YEAR
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 15, 2010, 06:59
(http://serve.mysmiley.net/happy/happy0008.gif) (http://www.mysmiley.net)

Eli xx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on December 15, 2010, 17:02
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
> into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
> "Brian!
>
>
>
>
> Passenger: "Who?"
>
> Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
> Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian
> Sullivan, every single time."
>
> Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
>
> Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
> the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
> baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
> the piano. He was an amazing guy."
>
> Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
>
> Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
> everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
> fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
> and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything
> right."
>
> Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
>
> Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
> jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
> made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
> good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
> clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
> perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian
> Sullivan."
>
> Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
>
> Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
> bloomin widow."
>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 16, 2010, 10:30
First Christmas Joke?

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scottish man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of knickers.

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Click the pic for a bit of sparkle!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on December 17, 2010, 13:16
Christmas Cake Recipe - for those of you who can't remember last year's cake recipe.

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you
can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to
fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl
through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Take a taxi to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells

 

 
 

 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on December 17, 2010, 13:48
Man having meal in Indian restaurant
Waiter comes by and asks, "Curry OK?"

Man pauses, then answers, "oh go on then, but only one song....."  :lol:


I'll get my coat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on December 17, 2010, 15:15
These are getting worse.  Love'em!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 17, 2010, 15:20
 :lol:  :lol: Plum!


If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.



For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.



If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 17, 2010, 16:04
im going to start up my own company selling dairy products from ingredients sourced only from the middle east.

im calling it  cheeses of nazareth

                              *                            *                             *
i remember last years Christmas present for my son was an empty box.

i told him it was action man deserter
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 17, 2010, 18:19
                              *                            *                             *
i remember last years Christmas present for my son was an empty box.

i told him it was action man deserter

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on December 17, 2010, 19:48
 :lol: :lol: at davethespread. Silly sausage
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: CluckyChicken on December 19, 2010, 12:25
 :lol: :lol: just read everything.  many laughs, and if I may I might add one:
what does a chinese chicken say?


wok wok wok wok wok wok wok  :lol: :lol: :happy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 20, 2010, 11:55
Paddy and Murphy having a day out in London when they spot a sign in a shop window,

Suits £10

Jackets £6

Shirts  £2,,

"Wow", said Paddy, "now there's a bargain, lets' buy the whole stock".

Murphy says,  "Ok, but don't let them know we are Irish cos they'll try ripping us off".


They go into the shop and Paddy says in his best English accent,

"Can we buy your entire stock,my good man".

The man behind the counter says,

"You are both Irish aren't you"

"How did you guess", asks Paddy,

"Easy", said the shop assistant,



" This is a dry cleaners"     :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 20, 2010, 12:36
little Johnny wasn't doing very well in school, always causing trouble, so his parents sent him to a religious boarding school.

After 2 months his grades had improved, his behaviour was faultless.

His parents were very pleased but also very curious as to the big change in him, so they asked him for an explanation,

Johnny replied,


"The first day I walked into the school and saw that poor guy nailed to the cross, I knew that they meant business" :lol: :lol:.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 20, 2010, 14:49
An old lady walked into the doctors and said

"Doctor, I pass wind quite a lot, but at least it doesn`t smell and it`s silent. In fact, I`ve passed wind twice since I`ve been in here and you didn`t notice. Can you give me something to stop it?

A week later she was back in the surgery/

"Those pills you gave me doctor. When I pass wind now, it smells terrible".

The doctor said,

" Well that`s cleared your sinuses. Now we must sort out your hearing".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on December 20, 2010, 18:05
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: CluckyChicken on December 20, 2010, 19:55
An old lady walked into the doctors and said

"Doctor, I pass wind quite a lot, but at least it doesn`t smell and it`s silent. In fact, I`ve passed wind twice since I`ve been in here and you didn`t notice. Can you give me something to stop it?

A week later she was back in the surgery/

"Those pills you gave me doctor. When I pass wind now, it smells terrible".

The doctor said,

" Well that`s cleared your sinuses. Now we must sort out your hearing".



 :happy: :happy: :happy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on December 20, 2010, 21:38
keep'em coming  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on December 21, 2010, 07:33
Sorry if this has been on b4, but it makes me laugh especially at this time of year with over-indulgence and thoughts of new year resolutions!

Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency.  What does cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?   Vegetables.  So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain?  Eat chicken.  Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).  And pork chopcan give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?   
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good!
         
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?   
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil.  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!? 
Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?   
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?   
A:  Hey!  'Round' a shape! 


And  remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"
   
AND......


For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of  sausages and fats 
     and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 21, 2010, 11:49
That is exactly my lifestyle, I'm 56 in Jan and all my cholestral test have come back normal, heart rate normal, weight in the normal range,

mentallity? now that's a different matter, as my jokes show.

They always say that men never grow up, why should we when the women take care of us :D :D :D

Now I'm in trouble, don't care cos you're there and I'm here!!!!!! :wacko: :wacko: :wacko:

Happy yuletide everyone.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 22, 2010, 13:18
its getting close to that time of the year when the fat person with a beard

comes round with presents for the kids.

or as the wife likes to call her,mum.

                                  *                                 *                                  *

i said to me nan "what would you like for Christmas nan?"

she said "something from the body shop please dear"

i hope she's got room in her flat for the front wing off a mondeo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 22, 2010, 14:45
I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my neighbours on their toes for a while.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 23, 2010, 00:08
Nice one, Jamie :) And Dave   :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on December 23, 2010, 19:51
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 24, 2010, 01:19
How to know when it's time to stop driving:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 25, 2010, 07:46
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on December 25, 2010, 08:01
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: kenny199 on December 25, 2010, 18:00
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 26, 2010, 11:38
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony!!
GROAN GROAN GROAN :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 30, 2010, 11:48
news: a man on the run from the police falls into a combine harvester,he is to be released on bail

                               *                              *                              *

i called a priest to help remove spirits from my house.

father flannagan sure can drink.

                              *                               *                               *

and always remember when stacking cheeses

do it caerphilly.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 30, 2010, 12:57
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 30, 2010, 19:21
We went off to a wife swapping party last night - it was rubbish. The host wouldn't part with his stereo  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on December 30, 2010, 19:51
We went off to a wife swapping party last night - it was rubbish. The host wouldn't part with his stereo  :)
I got it eventualy.........Wi Fi :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 31, 2010, 15:48
my new years resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants

roll-on 2011

                                            *                            *                           *

alphabet spaghetti may contain  n,u,t and s
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on December 31, 2010, 16:23
  :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on December 31, 2010, 19:12
thanks min for that, I have only just got round to reading them.  It must have taken you ages.  HNY, regards,  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 31, 2010, 20:45
i was in the sports direct shop earlier and i saw a "liverpool surprise bag" when i opened it

 there were three points inside
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 01, 2011, 19:19
We went off to a wife swapping party last night - it was rubbish. The host wouldn't part with his stereo  :)

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on January 02, 2011, 11:01
What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

A stick
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on January 02, 2011, 11:06
What did the baby corn say to the mummy corn?

Wheres popcorn

               *          *           *            *          *             *

How do monkey make toast?

They just stick some bread under the gorilla.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 02, 2011, 13:09
i was just telling the wife i was driving through the country lanes earlier

and an old boy on a tractor went past me shouting "the end of the world is upon us"

she said  "oh thats just farmer geddon."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on January 02, 2011, 13:30
:D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on January 05, 2011, 13:13
So I said to the wife, "What would you like for Christmas fatty?"

She said "don't get lippy"!





So, it's mascara then.  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on January 05, 2011, 14:42
A   Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on January 06, 2011, 06:36
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pol on January 06, 2011, 08:56
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on January 06, 2011, 11:29
A   Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

But did he remember where he'd left his bike when he got to commandment number 7 ?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 06, 2011, 17:01
i found out the other day that in aborigine language the word boo means to come back

because when i threw an ordinary merangue.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 06, 2011, 17:25
japanese banks it appears have been hit almost as hard as american and uk banks:the origami bank has folded,and we hear that the sumo bank has gone belly up too.

bonsai bank plans to cut some of its branches,karaoke bank is for sale and going for a song.
meanwhile,staff at the karate bank got the chop,and analysts report there is something fishy going on at the sushi bank,where workers fear they may get a raw deal.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on January 06, 2011, 17:53
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 07, 2011, 12:11
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Australian cricket team if they can have a meeting.

they want to find out how they managed to go downhill so fast.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 07, 2011, 12:12
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on January 07, 2011, 15:06
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen  sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 11, 2011, 09:35
what does FIFA stand for.

the Russian national anthem.

                                      *                            *                               *
i was watching "rip off britain" the other day on BBC1 and i must say i was shocked that the television license never got mentioned.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 11, 2011, 15:29
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him:
 "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 12, 2011, 08:52
Think I will have the bed near the window  ::) ::) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 12, 2011, 08:55
Poor kitty!!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on January 12, 2011, 09:36
Brilliant!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on January 12, 2011, 13:34
Poor kitty!!



:D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Edski675 on January 12, 2011, 22:59
I went to the optician today and he told me that I'm colourblind.

It was a bolt out of the green.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 13, 2011, 00:36
I went to the optician today and he told me that I'm colourblind.

It was a bolt out of the green.
:D :D :D
nice one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 13, 2011, 10:31
Young Paul bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paul replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paul said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paul said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paul said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paul and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paul said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898' 
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

 




 Paul said, 'Just the guy who won.’

NB Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on January 13, 2011, 10:47
Good one!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on January 15, 2011, 20:49
Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - 'in case someone came over'
Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the 'condition' of my home
They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must .......
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?
Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . . .
with coffee to drink , rivers to swim and mountains to climb , music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must,
but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around, again.

Dust if you must , but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . .

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!


Share this with the people in your life.
I JUST DID.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 16, 2011, 10:47
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 'Dear, Mum.

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really  hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with  the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


 Love, your son, Coby.



 "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  the school report that's on my desk"

 I love you!  



Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on January 16, 2011, 13:47
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

 It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 'Dear, Mum.

 It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

 I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

 But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

 We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really  hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with  the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

 Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


 Love, your son, Coby.



 "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than  the school report that's on my desk"

 I love you! 


Call when it is safe for me to come home.



 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: willowish on January 16, 2011, 21:06
the hired farm hand goes into the tractor shed to find the farmer doing a strip tease in front of the massey ferguson.
'what on earth are you doing?!' cried the farm worker
the farmer, looking very sheepish and embaressed replied 'well you see, Mrs farmer & me ain't been gettin on too well these days, so our therapist said i should do something sexy to a-tract-er!!'
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 16, 2011, 23:38
Arghh - that was an 8.5 on the groan scale  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on January 17, 2011, 12:50
went to the circus last night and saw some tightrope walkers.





funny flavour for crisps

 :blink: :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on January 17, 2011, 16:27
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* * *

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

* * *

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal operation?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 17, 2011, 17:22
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* * *

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

* * *

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal operation?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

Very clever  :)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on January 20, 2011, 22:00
My very inconsiderate neighbour was banging on my front door at 2.30 this morning, >:( >:(

Yes, 2.30 this morning, I couldn't believe it. :mad: :mad:

Lucky for him I was still up playing my new drum kit.  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on January 21, 2011, 09:11
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular
phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the leather shop now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking
to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the
market.  They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of
$900,000. they'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you
so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Johnnywesto on January 21, 2011, 10:36
After years of research, scientists have finally discovered what it is that makes women happy.













Nothing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on January 21, 2011, 10:56
I dunno about that...........divorce can make women happy  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 21, 2011, 14:08
Another set of scientists have discovered a food that completely eliminates sensuality in women.
It's technical name is 'wedding cake'....



I'll get me (morning) coat.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on January 21, 2011, 15:06
Another set of scientists have discovered a food that completely eliminates sensuality in women.
It's technical name is 'wedding cake'....
The clinical term is 'christening cake', and it has to be taken with lack of sleep to be fully effective.

A high dose of 'uncaring husband' was also found to eliminate sensuality completely :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 21, 2011, 16:08
Lunch time?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on January 22, 2011, 08:04
 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on January 22, 2011, 08:16
It's ironic that I can't seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Meerkat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on January 22, 2011, 09:18
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on January 22, 2011, 10:40
A catapult was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of maths disruption.

* * *

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on January 22, 2011, 18:21
The wife kept saying that for her birthday she wanted something, anything for the bath, so I got her a bottle of ciff limescale remover :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 22, 2011, 18:33
Dog tired tyred?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Kleftiwallah on January 24, 2011, 12:00
What has eight corners and long ears?   A cubic hare !  I'll get me coat.   Cheers,   Tony.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on January 25, 2011, 14:06
i recently watched an interview where heather mills burst into tears.

apparently because she was being called a gold digger.

but surely she's got to see it from our side she does resemble a pirate.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 28, 2011, 22:12
What not to do in your English Country Garden (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOjGloz6-vM&feature=related)

Please put your speakers on and be patient with the intro....worth the wait, I hope!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on January 28, 2011, 22:34
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 29, 2011, 14:25
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 18:57
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your water tank?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 19:00
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Tax Office. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on January 30, 2011, 19:00
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" ask the expert.

"It's been in my loft for the last 40 years, you think it's a heirloom?" says Paddy

"Do you have insurance?"

"No should I ?" replies Paddy

"Yeah" says the expert "It's your water tank?"
:D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 19:06
Little Larry

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on January 30, 2011, 19:56
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on January 30, 2011, 20:27
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on January 31, 2011, 08:38
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!

Hi JulieC - you cannot just leave it there  ::) ::) which ones did you use  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 01, 2011, 09:48
My uncle has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from edinbrough zoo.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on February 01, 2011, 09:56
I understand that there are a lot of emails going round about tinned meat.

Don't worry, it's only spam

 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 01, 2011, 13:01
A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted, 'He's behind you!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 01, 2011, 15:41
Good meal?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on February 01, 2011, 16:13
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 01, 2011, 20:05
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on February 01, 2011, 20:11
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Groan :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 01, 2011, 22:29
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Groan :D :lol:

One of them was decidedly grumpy about the whole thing!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on February 02, 2011, 08:09
In a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarves said they weren't happy.
Groan :D :lol:

One of them was decidedly grumpy about the whole thing!  ::)

THe Dopey wotsit
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 02, 2011, 15:57
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 04, 2011, 23:39
On their way to a registery office to get married a couple had a fatal car accident.  :(

The couple sat outside heaven's gate waiting for St. Peter to do the paperwork so they could enter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter replied, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the nearest cloud causing a clap of thunder.
 
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
 
"Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"


My apologies to all priests and lawyers reading this... nothing personal!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on February 05, 2011, 06:52
I like that one Learner   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on February 07, 2011, 12:09
A little guy sat at the bar having a quiet drink, minding his own business, when a big thug knocks him off his stool,

"That's Kung Fu from Japan".

A little while later the thug knocks him off his stool again, saying,

"That's Karate from Korea".

The poor little guy picks himself up and leaves the bar.

A short while later the little guy comes back into the bar and knocks the thug off his stool, and stands next to the unconcious lump on the floor and says,


"when he wakes up, tell him,  that was a shovel from B&Q." :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on February 07, 2011, 12:45
Paddy loses his dog and because he is so upset his wife tells him to put an advert in the local paper.

So he does, but after 3 weeks there was no word about his dog,

Paddys wife asks him what he put in the advert,

Paddy replies,


"Here Boy"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on February 07, 2011, 16:25
    As Saint Valentine's day approached, Rupert wandered into the offices of the local paper and asked to put in a personal message on the 'Valentines Messages' page.  He paid over his fiver and handed over a bit of paper contining his message. 
    The clerk read it out to check.  "Softy loves his sweetie ickle snookums wookums wookums wookums"  She counted up the words and said "Five pounds is for ten words - you could put on another 'wookums' at no extra cost.   
    He thought about it for a moment and then shook his head and said"No - I think that'd sound silly..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 07, 2011, 17:15
Someone told me I am immature and need to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my treehouse now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 07, 2011, 20:46
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 07, 2011, 23:10
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol: That's cruel  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 14:08
More advice to men than a joke..

When being dragged around the clothes shops, as she comes out of the changing room with an expensive dress say: "You're right, you have put a little weight on." When she appears with the cheapest one on, say: "Hey, that diet has really worked, you've lost pounds."

Never fails :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on February 08, 2011, 14:10
and Val's response is...............................?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 14:35
and Val's response is...............................?

I'll be alright, she's busy painting the ceiling  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 08, 2011, 14:56
Better advice is not to accompany women on their clothes shopping trips at all (your advice apparently only helps her decide what not to choose, and as often as not after hours of male misery she won't like it when she gets home anyway!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on February 08, 2011, 18:42
you sound rather bitter and twisted J!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 18:43
you sound rather bitter and twisted J!  ::)

Not at all, he's a man who knows :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on February 08, 2011, 19:02
Nice one John, my OH didn't see funny side.

typical women,

no sense of humour. :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 08, 2011, 20:30
Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!

Hi JulieC - you cannot just leave it there  ::) ::) which ones did you use  :D
  I may admit to most of those that are downright impossible to say when drunk except for number 7 cos im a lover not a fighter!!!

LOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 08, 2011, 20:32
I understand that there are a lot of emails going round about tinned meat.

Don't worry, it's only spam

 :)

Groan!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 08, 2011, 20:32
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 08, 2011, 20:37
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

oooow you could be in trouble!! LOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 08, 2011, 22:46
I was up making my bed at 7 this morning,

last time i buy anything from ikea again ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2011, 23:26
I was up making my bed at 7 this morning,

last time i buy anything from ikea again ::)

Brilliant! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on February 09, 2011, 00:47
Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.


Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on February 09, 2011, 07:55
I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up." 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on February 09, 2011, 13:25
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."
   
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
   
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
   
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich     please?"
   
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."
   
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
   
The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.
   
 The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you?

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
   
"Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."
   
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
   
"I'm always looking for the next job, Where is it?" Says the duck.

"At the circus", Says the barman.
   
"The circus?", Repeats the duck.
   
"That's right",  Replies the barman.
   
"The circus?" The duck asks again, "With the big tent?"
   
"Yeah," the barman replies.
   
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who
live in caravans?" says the duck.
   
"Of course," sez the barman.
   
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
   
 "That's right!" says the barman.

 The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...
 


"What would they want with a plasterer??!"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 11, 2011, 19:21
I broke wind in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 11, 2011, 19:32
Old Men Can Think Fast

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding up the bucket, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 11, 2011, 19:36
The other day i was wondering why Frisbee's seem to get bigger as them get closer to you...

....then it hit me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 11, 2011, 23:08
The other day i was wondering why Frisbee's seem to get bigger as them get closer to you...

....then it hit me.

Duck!!! You're quackers not to.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on February 12, 2011, 10:24
David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one. The patient replies:
           
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
           
Mr. Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
       
Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Mr. Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"  "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

 :nowink:


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 12, 2011, 10:26
 ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on February 12, 2011, 10:28
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 12, 2011, 10:39
Nice one Argyllie (albeit a bit tricky to memorise and pass on!)  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on February 12, 2011, 10:41
I broke wind in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.


 :D :D  Oh - you are awful, but funny -  :D :D :D   Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on February 12, 2011, 11:39
Argyllie - that is great!!!!! I nearly snorted tea through my nose!!! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on February 12, 2011, 12:53
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on February 12, 2011, 13:04
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on February 12, 2011, 14:37
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on February 12, 2011, 16:55
It's the way you tell them Lorna
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on February 12, 2011, 16:59
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 12, 2011, 18:02
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from so he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching ???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on February 13, 2011, 11:40
What do you call a dead musician?

a decomposer!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on February 15, 2011, 02:52
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant—an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on February 15, 2011, 09:31
 :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on February 15, 2011, 10:03
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on February 15, 2011, 13:34
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 15, 2011, 14:32
Problems with my computer...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on February 15, 2011, 15:22
Lost for words.....  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 15, 2011, 17:11
A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun ...and robs the Bank!

But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line. Did you see me rob this Bank? The customer replies...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man: DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?

The man calmly responds. No ...but my wife did!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on February 15, 2011, 18:00
Foreman of the Jury:  "We find the accused NOT GUILTY of bank robbery."
The accused: "Does that mean I can keep the money...?"


Magistrate: "Are you the defendant?"
Scally: "No, I got a lawyer to do the defendin'.  I'm the one wot nicked the motor..."


The accused:  "I am innocent, innocent... as God is my judge!"
Judge:  "He isn't.  I am.  Guilty.  Take 'im down."


Witness:  "He was falling about - clearly as drunk as a judge."
Judge: (frowning) "The actual expression is 'as drunk as a Lord', I believe.  Is that not so, Usher?"
Usher: "Er... yes, my Lord."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 15, 2011, 23:18
Foreman of the Jury:  "We find the accused NOT GUILTY of bank robbery."
The accused: "Does that mean I can keep the money...?"


Magistrate: "Are you the defendant?"
Scally: "No, I got a lawyer to do the defendin'.  I'm the one wot nicked the motor..."


The accused:  "I am innocent, innocent... as God is my judge!"
Judge:  "He isn't.  I am.  Guilty.  Take 'im down."


Witness:  "He was falling about - clearly as drunk as a judge."
Judge: (frowning) "The actual expression is 'as drunk as a Lord', I believe.  Is that not so, Usher?"
Usher: "Er... yes, my Lord."

After that one... time for a wee nip of single malt I think  ;)  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 16, 2011, 20:50
BLONDE YEAR REVIEW

January-Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February-Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March-Got really excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April-Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June-Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August- Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October- Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on February 17, 2011, 10:01
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man try to get into a nightclub,


The bouncer on the door says,


"Sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai."  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on February 17, 2011, 20:16
That is so funny , for all the wrong reasons!  (This is my personal opionion)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 17, 2011, 20:25
Why is it that if you go into a library and scream at the top of your voice, everyone looks at you like your mental.

Yet if you scream at the top of your voice on a plane, everyone joins in.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 19, 2011, 21:23

The British population were asked if the Polish immigrants were a problem?

23% said yes “it’s a serious problem”

77% said “czek bardzo mi milu gdzie djest toaldta”

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 19, 2011, 21:25
Humpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on February 19, 2011, 21:51
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life,Id like to come back as a bear.
When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for 6 months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate,you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)while you're sleeping & wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone Knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.


If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs & excess body fat.


                    Yup, gonna be a bear!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on February 20, 2011, 07:29
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 22, 2011, 16:17
The Talking Centipede   

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,   

                 "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,   

         "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, 

   "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box, 


"I heard you the first b****** time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on February 22, 2011, 16:18
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on February 24, 2011, 13:18
 ::) :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on February 24, 2011, 19:01
Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on February 24, 2011, 19:23
Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory."

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

I like that :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on February 25, 2011, 17:11
 ::)   :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 26, 2011, 19:13
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on February 26, 2011, 21:35
A man goes into a Dentists Surgery and says,"can you help me? I keep thinking that I am a Moth"

The Dentist says, "Why come to me? Im a Dentist you need to see a Psychiatrist"

The man says, "I know, but your light was on"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 26, 2011, 22:23
Having just watched a profile about Ken Dodd on Beeb2 I'm afraid I just have to pass this one on:

Used to think I was a great lover until I found out that all my girlfriends had athsma.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on February 28, 2011, 21:47
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to blame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb."

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp."

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy."

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and to then post the corrected URL's.

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too."

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what a "FAQ" is.

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

10 posters to claim the light bulb failed because of George Bush's policies.

20 to denounce those 10 and blame the failure on the previous administration.

1 to say that if you were any damn good at all you wouldn't need the freaking light bulb.

3 to say that those of you talking about light bulbs aren't working and should get back to work.

1 to say that there's really 7 that are burned out, and the government's lying to us that there's only 1.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on February 28, 2011, 23:21
Ha ha.

I'm thinking of becoming a forum lurker...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 01, 2011, 08:43
ooh - hit a raw nerve Min??  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

think I've seen the light... :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on March 01, 2011, 09:42
ooh - hit a raw nerve Min??  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

think I've seen the light... :nowink:

 :lol: :lol: :lol: Nope not for me!  This forum is very very good compared to most!  I thought it was very funny and apt to another couple of forums I go on  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rainie on March 01, 2011, 13:12
 :) ;) >:( :( 8) :tongue2: ??? ::) :lol: :tongue2: :D :happy: :ohmy: :blink: :unsure: :mad: :mellow: :wub: :dry: :closedeyes: :blush: :nowink: :wacko:

Light, we need light.  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 01, 2011, 13:14
Light?

there is some at the end of the tunnel...............so I'm told  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 01, 2011, 18:30
im looking forward to the footie at the 2012 olympics my money is on poland especially with the home advantage as well.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on March 01, 2011, 18:38
ooh - hit a raw nerve Min??  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

think I've seen the light... :nowink:

 :lol: :lol: :lol: Nope not for me!  This forum is very very good compared to most!  I thought it was very funny and apt to another couple of forums I go on  :lol: :lol:

Plagiarism!

May I refer my Right Honourable friend to my post of August 13th:

http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=52701.msg727258#msg727258
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 01, 2011, 18:58
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma and Pa Snip on March 02, 2011, 08:02
I saw an RAC van parked by the roadside this morning, the driver was sobbing uncontrollably and was looking extremely miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy is heading for a breakdown'

Did I hear a groan or two  :D
never mind

I'm moving to Seoul soon
I thought it would be a good Korea move
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on March 02, 2011, 08:04
Eating breakfast + reading these jokes = yoghurt on the laptop.

Thank you Ma and Pa for starting my day with a smile!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 02, 2011, 17:36
roman abramovichhas just launched a line of chelsea souvenir assault rifles.

coleashleykovs
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on March 02, 2011, 18:05
 ::) ::)   :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 02, 2011, 19:33
Surley that cant be right?

Yes it is right, and dont call me Shirley!

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on March 02, 2011, 20:22
A young engineer who graduated with distinction, was just about to leave his office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO of the company standing in front of a shredder machine with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important piece of paper, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the power to the shredding machine ON, pressed the START button and inserted the paper.

"Oh that's excellent, excellent young man!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever assume that the CEO knows what he's doing
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on March 02, 2011, 22:13
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 03, 2011, 01:20
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".

One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely b* all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you b***** proud to be British, doesn't it?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma and Pa Snip on March 03, 2011, 07:20
I met an elderly chap at the cashpoint yesterday, he was obviously having trouble getting cash out of  the machine and asked me to check his balance for him.



So I got him to put one finger on his nose and stand on one leg................ he had no balance.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on March 03, 2011, 13:35
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

______________________________________________________________________

and what about all the 36673 who say

"I'm sooooo sorry to hear about the sad loss of your lovely light bulb but you gave it a good life away from that nasty battery unit :( :(.  
Sending hugs and kisses from me too."

 ::) ::)
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 03, 2011, 13:39
Love the irony HF  :lol:  (but not the ironing :dry: )
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma and Pa Snip on March 03, 2011, 13:56
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

______________________________________________________________________

and what about all the 36673 who say

"I'm sooooo sorry to hear about the sad loss of your lovely light bulb but you gave it a good life away from that nasty battery unit :( :(.  
Sending hugs and kisses from me too."

 ::) ::)
HF

And those who say it expired too early in life and wasn't fit for purpose.
  Look on the bright side, new one will cost less to run, allegedly.   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on March 03, 2011, 14:16
A blonde gets a job as a teacher in the local primary school, while on playground duty she notices a young boy stood all alone, while the other kids were running around having fun.

"You ok?", she asked,

"Yes", he replied,

"You can go and play around with the other kids you know", said the blonde,

"It's better if I stay here", replied the boy,

"Why?", asked the blonde,

The boy replied,

"Cos I'm the b****y goalkeeper".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on March 03, 2011, 14:30
What's the difference between Iron Man & Iron Woman??? ???






Iron Man is a super hero,








Iron woman, is a simple instruction. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on March 03, 2011, 14:52
I was in the pub with the wife last night and I said,


"I love you",

she said,

"Is that you or the beer talking?",

I said,

"It's me,     






talking to the beer"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma and Pa Snip on March 03, 2011, 18:26
A new Middle East crisis developed today as Dubai television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesperson for the channel said
" A claim has been made that the people in Dubai would not understand the humour,
but we know for a fact that the people in




Abu Dhabi dooooo"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 03, 2011, 22:41
All modern medical treatments had failed my poor grandpa so we tried rubbing goose-fat into his back.

He went downhill rapidly after that.


(Slightly adapted from a gag on "Mock the Week")

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on March 03, 2011, 23:30


And those who say it expired too early in life and wasn't fit for purpose.
  Look on the bright side, new one will cost less to run, allegedly.   :D
[/quote]

don't you mean look on the dim side :ohmy:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma and Pa Snip on March 04, 2011, 07:30
Have you seen the prices of pet spiders in the stores !!!!


I told my grandaughter we'd look for one on the web
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on March 04, 2011, 09:11
Oh Ma and Pa, I had come on here especially to post that joke having just read it elsewhere!

Instead, how about...

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.  It really was a vile inn.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma and Pa Snip on March 04, 2011, 10:08
Oh Ma and Pa, I had come on here especially to post that joke having just read it elsewhere!

Instead, how about...

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle.  It really was a vile inn.

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on March 04, 2011, 12:30

HMS CUMBERLAND.

only a British Government could send a ship named after a pork sausage to a muslim country to rescue Brits. :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on March 04, 2011, 12:31
I saw a sign today that made me pee myself,

















TOILETS CLOSED!!! :tongue2: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on March 04, 2011, 15:03
I saw a sign today that made me pee myself,
TOILETS CLOSED!!! :tongue2: :tongue2:

Ha ha, brilliant.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on March 04, 2011, 18:57
These are getting worse and worse.
Keep 'em coming  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on March 04, 2011, 19:06
A Beef Burger walks into a restaurant ane the waiter says...............
"Sorry we don't serve food here!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on March 04, 2011, 19:12
Having just come back from a holiday I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said "You don't have much of a case."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on March 04, 2011, 19:20
Apologies in advance for this one...

They say that ignorance is bliss.  They also say that blondes have more fun.
Coincidence? I think not.


And this one...

According to my Moben kitchen designer, 'woman' is not an optional extra


And just to equal it out a little bit...

Did you hear about the guy who was rushed to hospital after a bizarre bet went wrong and left him with six toy horses stuck up his nose?
Doctors have described his condition as "stable"




Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on March 04, 2011, 19:40
2 English tourists driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop for lunch. 1of the tourists asks the waitress,

"Before we order something can you please settle an argument, can you pronounce where we are, very very, very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and whispered,













"burrrr-gurrrr-kiiiing, stupid" :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on March 04, 2011, 21:54
2 English tourists driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop for lunch. 1of the tourists asks the waitress,

"Before we order something can you please settle an argument, can you pronounce where we are, very very, very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and whispered,













"burrrr-gurrrr-kiiiing, stupid" :lol: :lol:
Groan and double groan :lol: :lol: Simple but funny!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on March 07, 2011, 20:22
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on March 08, 2011, 07:48
nice one  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: eeedowls on March 08, 2011, 09:41
Had a terrible accident last night - cooking in the kitchen and managed to get some herbs stuck in my eye

unfortunately, I am now parsley sighted....

 :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: SkipRat on March 09, 2011, 22:04
I was on the phone to a friend tonight. “You sound sad.” She said. “I’m just in a dark place at the moment.” I replied. “Why what’s wrong?” she asked. “I haven’t paid my electricity bill.” I replied..... ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fredhogg on March 09, 2011, 23:19
A boy shouts to his mum " mum can you help me". His mum shouts back "don't you shout at me," i am in the bedroom come up here and speak to me properly". The boy walks upstairs, "thats better" she says,"now what do you want ?"  boy replies "I trod in some dogs mess and can't get my trainers off".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on March 11, 2011, 08:32
British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
 
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
 
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
 
You're going to love this......
 
 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"Defrost chicken."
True story apparantly
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on March 11, 2011, 09:38
I saw that last year on the Mythbusters TV programe - frozen chickens do make a big hole in windshields  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 11, 2011, 17:40
Surely it would have made more sense to test their frozen chicken gun against airliners. After all if a chicken were to be flying at 30,000 feet given a standard adiabatic lapse rate of about 3 degrees centigrade per thousand feet that would make it about minus 60 even on a really hot summer day at ground level.  Furhtermore the chicken would feel the cold and go "Brr", pulling it's wings in close to try and warm up thus making it almost as streamlined as one from the freezer cabinet.  Furthermore, as being at minus 60 at 30000 feet would be, er, really, really scary for a chicken it would probably be 'lighter' if you get my drift, hence closer still to the ex freezer 'pulled' bird weight and so rendering the exercise pretty valid, at least as regards high flying uninsulated chickens. Aint science wunnerful.




I don't get out much.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on March 11, 2011, 18:03
I don't get out much.

No?  I'd never have guessed  (just teasing) ;)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on March 13, 2011, 06:11
I have had to remove a large section from this thread relating to the current situation in Japan.

Frankly I am disappointed that some members of this forum feel that it is something to be light-hearted about. I would have hoped for better.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma and Pa Snip on March 13, 2011, 08:59
An elderly man approached an attractive lady in a shopping precinct,
"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Would you mind talking to me for a couple of minutes"

The woman, feeling a little compassion for the old chap, said 
"Of course I don't mind, do you know where your wife might be"?

"I've no idea, but whenever I talk to a lady with a figure like yours she appears out of nowhere"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: savbo on March 14, 2011, 12:48
at school, 30 years ago, a metallurgist gave a talk to the sixth form and told us about a frozen chicken gun used to simulate vulture strikes (bigger than frozen chickens but softer) on jet turbine blades...the vultures accumulate around airfields to eat the cooked pigeons etc that go through the turbines without causing damage...I believed him at the time but if it's an urban myth it's got a long pedigree...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Thrift on March 14, 2011, 13:39
I have had to remove a large section from this thread relating to the current situation in Japan.

Frankly I am disappointed that some members of this forum feel that it is something to be light-hearted about. I would have hoped for better.

I'm completely shocked DD  >:( Good for you in removing the offending posts.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andy135 on March 14, 2011, 20:26
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -
 'Take a clean dish."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 16, 2011, 00:59
A Terrible Joke..... not sure it's even funny but here goes.....


A woman walks into a benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry .'
All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.  I'll need all your children's names.'

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry .'

'OK, and who's next?'

'Well, this one he is Terry , also.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry . Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ' Terry !' An' When it's time for dinner, I just yell ' Terry !' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell ' Terry ' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry .'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'I call them by their surnames!' 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on March 19, 2011, 21:06
I've been spending quite a lot of time at my wife's grave recently, don't tell her though, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on March 21, 2011, 14:37
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gandan57 on March 21, 2011, 22:51
A man asked his wife how many men she`d slept with.

She replied proudly. "You`re the only one darling...... all the others kept me awake".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on March 24, 2011, 18:46
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself,

'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 24, 2011, 19:24
I used to believe in free will, but I'm married now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 24, 2011, 21:25
I haven't spoken to my husband for a year and a half. I hate to interrupt him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on March 27, 2011, 14:47
Chap goes into a restaurant followed by an ostrich. He orders burger and chips, ostrich says " That's good for me, I'll have the same". Waitress serves the meal and the bill comes to £7.46. The man puts  his hand in his pocket and pulls out exactly the right money. The following day he comes in and orders spag bol. The ostrich agrees, " Yep, I'll have the same" Bill comes to £8.78. The man pulls out exactly the right change. This carries on for several days - each day the man has a different meal, the ostrich always agrees and has the same and the man always has the right change.

 The waitress can't understand this perfect change thing so on the Friday she says to the man, "Excuse me sir, but how come you always have exactly the right money in your pocket, I've never once had togive you change!"

The man said "A few years ago I set a genie free from a bottle where he had been shut up for 2000 years and he told me I could have 2 wishes. I said my first wish would be that whenever I put my hand in my pocket I'd take out exactly the amount neede for what I wanted to buy, so it doesn't matter if it's a Rolls Royce, a yacht or burger and chips, I've always got the money!"

" Brilliant" replies the waitress, "most people would have asked to be millionaires, but that could be limiting - this way you will always have money! But can I ask you , what's with the ostrich?" "Ah,bit of a mistake there - I asked for a tall chick with a big bum and long legs, who'd always follow me and agree with everything I said and that's what I got!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on March 27, 2011, 16:09
Sorry if this is a repeat.

Canny Yorkshire man  

A Leeds man walks into a London Branch of his bank & asks for a loan.
He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41.
The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled...while you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return”   

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman..
This is why they survive 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 27, 2011, 16:19
You can always tell a Yorkshireman.
But you can't tell him much!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 27, 2011, 16:26
You can always tell a Yorkshireman.
But you can't tell him much!

Being from Yorkshire you night get away with that.  :unsure:
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on March 27, 2011, 19:14
Frog goes into a bank and asks the teller for a £2000 loan. The bank clerk, a Miss Padiwak, a new employee starts filling out the forms and asks the frog for his details - his name and what he's planning to use as collateral. Frog says "I'm Mick Jagger's son and I'm using this china ornament as collateral" and he gives her a tiny china model like you might win at a funfair. Miss Padiwak is a bit sceptical so she takes the completed form and the china object to the back office to her boss and explains the problem. Her boss has a look at the frog through the oneway mirror in his office, then looks at the china ornament, thinks a bit and says, 

(are you ready for this?)


"It's a knick-knack, Padiwak, give the frog the loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone"


Tad dah!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: elibump on March 27, 2011, 19:23
 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on March 27, 2011, 19:30
Very clever catlar - love it!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rainie on March 27, 2011, 21:18
Two caterpillars munching on a leaf, they look up as a butterfly flutters past.  One says to the other 'you wouldn't catch me up in one of those!'  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 31, 2011, 17:12
cleanlines is next to godliness.

but only in a dyslexics dictionary.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 02, 2011, 10:07
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and,not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No". Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile" The officers turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: kenny199 on April 02, 2011, 23:08
cleanlines is next to godliness.

but only in a dyslexics dictionary.
absolute cracker Dave ,Being  InclinIc that way.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 03, 2011, 13:36
blimey the service at out chinese takeaway is terrible....

ive just had an autumn roll delivered.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on April 04, 2011, 09:35
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were paying their first visit to a big department store. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
 
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out.

 The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on April 04, 2011, 10:05
 :) :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on April 04, 2011, 10:36
 :lol: worth the wait!
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on April 04, 2011, 21:49
 :lol:  Brilliant!   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 05, 2011, 16:18
i dont know why all the fulham football fans are complaining,

im sure their stutue cost far less than the £50m chelsea payed for theirs
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Johnnywesto on April 07, 2011, 12:42
Marriage is like a deck of cards.

To start with all it takes is two hearts and a diamond

but at the end all you need is a large club and a good spade!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on April 09, 2011, 00:12
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

You're gonna love this...

NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on April 09, 2011, 08:25
British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
 
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
 
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
 
You're going to love this......
 
 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"Defrost chicken."
True story apparantly

One of these versions may be true . :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 09, 2011, 09:28
you just can't put a good story down  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on April 09, 2011, 14:47
you just can't put a good story down  :nowink:

There's so many variations of this story, and at least another one not long ago on this thread, that they can't all, if any be true.  None-less-it's an amusing story.

HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on April 09, 2011, 15:18
 :D Knowing my US neighbors, I'm willing to bet that the NASA version is the most likely response. Very typical US.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 09, 2011, 15:33
here you are - mythbusters and chickens:-

http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/mythbusters-chicken-gun-minimyth.html
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on April 09, 2011, 16:22
Bit late now, but a friend of mine gave me a tip for  the Grand national.

The horse is  called V neck.

apparently, it's a good jumper! (groan) ???



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on April 09, 2011, 22:39
here you are - mythbusters and chickens:-

http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/mythbusters-chicken-gun-minimyth.html

Thanks for this Joy it's as we thought then there's no truth in the story as a frozen chicken would perform much the same as a fresh one contrary to what you might intuitively think.
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on April 10, 2011, 08:30
A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on April 12, 2011, 20:32
Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder, The driver swerves, nearly hits a bus & stops inches from a shop window. ''Blimey, your a bit jumpy aren't you? I only tapped your shoulder'', says the passenger. ''Sorry'', says the cabbie, its my first day. I've been driving a  hearse for 20 years.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 13, 2011, 14:45
simon cowell was arrested in france today for wearing a veil.

the french police have now released him without charge when they realised their mistake.

he was actually wearing black jeans and a black hat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 13, 2011, 16:44
simon cowell was arrested in france today for wearing a veil.

the french police have now released him without charge when they realised their mistake.

he was actually wearing black jeans and a black hat.

Yes, and some English visitors pointed at him and the Gendermes misheard and thought they said "look at that burkha over there!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: PennyS on April 14, 2011, 08:18
teehee.  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 19, 2011, 09:27
i really had my day off for the royal wedding mapped out,it basically consisted of pottering

about in the garden,watching a bit of telly and maybe a couple of glasses of wine.

my son has really scuppered those plans though,he wants my assistance that day

apparently,i was'nt very keen,but camilla really thinks i should help him out.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 19, 2011, 20:16
weddings should always be scheduled in the mornings.

That way if it doesn't work out you haven't wasted the whole day...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on April 20, 2011, 07:20
 :lol: :lol:  to both of the wedding posts
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 20, 2011, 07:25
weddings should always be scheduled in the mornings.

That way if it doesn't work out you haven't wasted the whole day...

Has someone told Kate and what's-his-name?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on April 20, 2011, 09:29


Has someone told Kate and what's-his-name?  :lol:

Why, who are they?  ???



edit to clarify quote
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 21, 2011, 01:43


Has someone told Kate and what's-his-name?  :lol:

Why, who are they?  ???



edit to clarify quote

Apparently a new couple who haven't been invited to a street party.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lindeggs on April 21, 2011, 03:14
Further to the frozen chicken cannon story, here's an article from my favourite myth-busting website, Snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on April 26, 2011, 15:18
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He  goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke  down. Do you think I could stay the night?'

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange and wonderful sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they  say, 'We can't tell you because you're not a  monk.' The  man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, amazingly enough, he same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The  monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his  car.
 
That  night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard  years earlier.
 
The  next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monk again reply: 'We  can't tell you because you're not a  monk.'

The  man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how  do I become a monk?'
 
The  monks reply: 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades  of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you  find these numbers, you will become a  monk.' 

The  man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and  knocks on the door of the monastery. He says: 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what  you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and  231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.'

The  monks reply: 'Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now  considered a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.' They lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk say: 'The sound is behind that door.'

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks: 'May I  have the key?' The  monks give him the key, and he opens the  door.

Behind  the wooden door is another door made of stone. The  man  requests the key to the stone door. 
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of  ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind  that door is another door, this one made of  sapphire.  And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of  emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
 
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man is so relieved to be at the end at last. He unlocks the door, turns  the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight... 

 ..  But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a  monk.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 26, 2011, 16:32
 ::) :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 26, 2011, 16:46
even though I knew what was coming...............I still read it to the end to make sure  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 04, 2011, 08:07
It amazing what the Americans can do when the PS3 network is down.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on May 04, 2011, 15:52
While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.....

Today you voted.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ex-cavator on May 04, 2011, 23:49
..... Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man is so relieved to be at the end at last. He unlocks the door, turns  the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight... 

 ..  But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a  monk.

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and  231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. Now tell me?  :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 05, 2011, 09:55
..... Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'

The man is so relieved to be at the end at last. He unlocks the door, turns  the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight... 

 ..  But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a  monk.

There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and  231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. Now tell me?  :lol: :tongue2:

sorry ex-cavator, you missed one. You will have to start again  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 05, 2011, 10:05
+1  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wannagrowveg on May 09, 2011, 08:17
A couple of weekends ago I asked my hubby to plant some runners in toilet rolls I showed him what to do, happy to oblige off he went rolls, seeds and compost in hand.

Yesterday I thought those beans seem to be taking ages to germinate so decided to have a little rummage only to find he had planted the lot upside down :)

Never send a man to do a womans job.. bless him  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on May 09, 2011, 20:30
A woman gets onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says " Wow thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff the woman makes her way to the back of the bus and sits down. She is very upset and is fuming. The man next to her notices and asks "whats wrong?".
She replied "that bus driver just insulted me"
The man said" thats not right, you should tell him off"
The woman said " Yes, your right, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"
The man says " Yes, go right up there and tell him off, go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on May 09, 2011, 20:42
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 10, 2011, 00:52
 :lol: Well worth reading through to the end min!
Thanks!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 10, 2011, 17:43
I'm so bored with life I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish.

I'm past caring.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on May 10, 2011, 17:45
Parallel lines have got so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 10, 2011, 20:43
A new part 3 trainee joined his first boat and after many weeks he qualified.  He was looking forward to his first saturday night at sea without training, and he was sitting in the corner when the president of the mess decided it was time for a few jokes to fight the mid-patrol blues and cheer everyone up, and he offered to start.
    "47", he said, and everyone chuckled. 
    "156", said someone else, and they all laughed.
    "96" said another voice, and they all creased up with laughter.
    Spotting that the youngster was utterly confused, one of the chaps explained to him that after so many patrols everyone had heard each others jokes so many times they had simply allocated a number to each one.   Instead of having to wade through the whole narrative for a joke they wished to amuse everyone with, they could simply call out the selected joke's identifying number, and all the listeners would immediately remember the relevant joke.  Really efficient.
    The lad was pretty impressed as the fun continued.
    "211".  Laughter.
    "118".  Amused groans.
    "18".  Total hilarity.
    Foolishly the lad thought he should have a go, and in the next gap, he said "487".  Well, the place was in uproar, everyone rolling around in stitches, slapping their thighs, almost crying with laughter.
   It seems they hadn't heard that one before.

    However, emboldened by this success, the lad tried again.  "83" he said and was immediately pelted with bread rolls.  They didn't like the way he told it....



I'll get me coat.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 16, 2011, 12:37
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did
my intelligence come from?'
The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JonT on May 19, 2011, 15:39
NATAL CURRY CONTEST

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have visited Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB (PieterMaritzBurg).
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted'.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting peed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pees me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my bum with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on May 19, 2011, 17:38
You have to reflect on what makes you laugh  :closedeyes: and what constitutes humour.  For me it has to be a bizarre view of the world something which turns the expected on it's head.   A good story with a humourous punch line has to build the tension then break it with a sudden unexpected twist.  It's that suddent twist and release of tension that makes us laugh or groan.  :D 

When it's  as predictable as a wet weekend it doesn't hit the spot.  Or am I wrong?  ::)
HF

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 19, 2011, 17:40
not many have made me laugh....most have made me groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 19, 2011, 18:03
not many have made me laugh....most have made me groan  ::)


"Laugh? Oh yes, dear, I remember that word!"   (Basil to Sybil in Fawlty Towers!)  :lol:


(A friend of mine from Oz came to look at my poorly cucumbers today and told me he thought they had been attacked by vegemites...............to control them it seems you have to target the female parents which are apparently called marmites!)

(OK, so it's cr*p but at least it's all my own work!)   ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on May 19, 2011, 18:30
When it's  as predictable as a wet weekend it doesn't hit the spot.  Or am I wrong? 

An interesting point, although I'm not sure I agree. :unsure:
There are jokes that I've heard numerous times that still make me laugh.
For example,
"My wife has gone to the west Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord" :D

Predictable as, a wet weekend, but still as funny to me as the first time I heard it.
As for "toilet humour", I'm sorry, but in this respect I'm still a juvenile, I find just about all of it funny. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on May 19, 2011, 20:17
How to Start the Day and Feel Really Good

Open a new file on your computer.
Entitle it 'Housework.'
Place it in the Recycle Bin.
Empty the Recycle Bin.
Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'
Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly.
Now you feel much better.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 19, 2011, 20:33
I wonder if that would work with people Trillium. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on May 19, 2011, 21:26
When it's  as predictable as a wet weekend it doesn't hit the spot.  Or am I wrong? 

An interesting point, although I'm not sure I agree. :unsure:
There are jokes that I've heard numerous times that still make me laugh.
For example,
"My wife has gone to the west Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord" :D

Predictable as, a wet weekend, but still as funny to me as the first time I heard it.
As for "toilet humour", I'm sorry, but in this respect I'm still a juvenile, I find just about all of it funny. :D

When I say predictable I mean the punch line isn't predictable from the lead up not that it's predictable because you've heard it before and it's familiar.  However you have to agree that jokes that you have heard before aren't as funny the second time around although they may raise a smile.

We all still laugh at Fawlty Towers though we have heard and seen every joke a hundred times before.

HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on May 20, 2011, 04:53
I wonder if that would work with people Trillium. :lol:

We can only hope, can't we?  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 20, 2011, 04:57
I wonder if that would work with people Trillium. :lol:

Best ask Auntie!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: whiskywill on May 20, 2011, 13:05
Doctor Jones was on a holiday cruise.

On his first evening he went to the bar. The barman said “Hello, I’ m your barman. My name is Richard but I’m known as Dick.”
The Doctor replied “Pleased to meet you Dick. My name is Doctor Jones, but I’m known as Doc.”
Dick said, “Pleased to meet you Doc, What can I get you?”
“I’ll have a Daquiri, Dick”
Dick said, “You are in luck. I make a special Daquiri using chicory.”
Doc said “O.K, I’ll have a chicory Daquiri, Dick”

Each evening the Doc went to the bar and said “Good evening, I’ll have a chicory Daquiri,
Dick.”
On the last evening of his holiday, Dick had run out of chicory but had some hickory nuts. He ground them up and waited for Doc.

When Doc arrived he said “I’ll have the usual chicory Daquiri, Dick.”

Dick didn’t say anything but made up a hickory Daquiri.

Doc tasted it and said, “This isn’t chicory Daquiri, Dick.”

Dick replied, “No it’s hickory Daquiri, Doc.”

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on May 20, 2011, 13:10
 :D ^ a tonguetwister! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: whiskywill on May 20, 2011, 13:13
Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.
 
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...
 
 
 BUMP........
 
 
 
BUMP.........
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
 
 
BUMP........
 
 

BUMP........




BUMP.........


 

The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........


 

BUMP.... BUMP.......

 


BUMP........BUMP.......


 
 
BUMP........BUMP........
 
 
 
 
 
 
The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him ...
 
 
 
 
BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP...
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP...


 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
 
 
 

 
 
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......
 
 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
 

 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP......


 
 
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....
 
 
 
 
 
 
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock.

He dived inside, slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
 
 
 
 
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase .
 
 


 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
 
 
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door .
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
 
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...
 
 
 
 
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door.

With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges ...
 
 
 
 
 
 
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
 
 
 
BUMP.... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin .

Still it came ........
 
 
 
 
BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
 
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it came.......
 
 
 BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 


 
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......
 
 
 
 BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...
 
 
 
He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ...
 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
The coffin stopped.
 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on May 20, 2011, 13:15
::) And the old ones are the good uns! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 20, 2011, 13:18
oohhh nooooooo! ##groan##

Whiskywill that was awful - can't wait to tell the kids  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 20, 2011, 15:20
I wonder if that would work with people Trillium. :lol:

Best ask Auntie!

Indeed it does - I frequently delete people :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 21, 2011, 01:03
Whiskywill - that's brilliant. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on May 21, 2011, 05:00
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit Us and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't like their hair on your clothing, then stay off the furniture. (That's why it's called it "fur"niture.)

I like my pets better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he or she is an adopted son or daughter who is hairy, short, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than children because they:


Eat less.

Usually come when called.

Are easier to train.

Don't ask for money all the time.

Don't drink or smoke.

Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.

Never ask to drive the car.

Don't have to have the latest fashions.

Don't want to wear your clothes.

Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gravedigger on May 21, 2011, 14:01
A snail slid past a slug and the slug said
"Big Issue?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 21, 2011, 14:07
good one Trillium!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on May 22, 2011, 09:20
A snail slid past a slug and the slug said
"Big Issue?"
Subtle 8) 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 22, 2011, 21:10
Not a written joke, but funny.

Follow the link:

http://www.boreme.com/posting.php?id=27735&page=1
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 22, 2011, 21:23
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on May 22, 2011, 21:36
Watching it as you replied Mum.   That is very funny, thanks DD.  regards,  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 22, 2011, 21:47
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and   then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself..'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 23, 2011, 18:41
Another funny link:

Silent Monks singing the Hallelujah Chorus

(be sure to click on Full Screen.)

http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Index.html
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 25, 2011, 12:48


----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse..




'Oops!'
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 29, 2011, 20:27
i walked into a car showroom today and said,

"my wife would like to talk to you about the vw golf you have in the window."

he said,"we dont have a vw golf in the window."

i said,"you do now."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 29, 2011, 20:33
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied,


'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on May 30, 2011, 17:03
Paddy is struggling down the road with a wardrobe, all sweaty and out of breath,

A friend shouted,

"Hey Paddy, why don't you get Mick to help you"?

"It's ok" replied Paddy, "Micks inside carrying the clothes" :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wayne170534 on June 02, 2011, 17:21
tried using e-bay the other day to look for lighters........could only find 14,907matches
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Nige2Plots on June 02, 2011, 21:12
tried using e-bay the other day to look for lighters........could only find 14,907matches
Groan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 03, 2011, 00:31
tried using e-bay the other day to look for lighters........could only find 14,907matches

Bright spark  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ex-cavator on June 03, 2011, 10:07
Old feller was riding his bike home when he spotted a field full of turnips. He fancied one for his dinner so he parked his bike on the verge and climbed through the hedge to get one.

As he got back to his bike, the local Bobby was waiting for him - he had been following behind and had seen what the old feller was up to. He promptly arrested the man, who duly went before the Beak.

"I sentence you to seven days for stealing a turnip", said the Beak.

The old feller was taken to a cell, where he found a young chap already in residence.

"What you in for, old man?" said the young chap.

"I got seven days for stealing a turnip" said the old feller. "What about you?"

"I'm doing ten years for rape" said the young chap.

The old feller thought about this for a few moments, and then replied, "Ten years for rape, 'blige me, you must've took twenty acres!"  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on June 07, 2011, 15:03
Life in the  Australian Army...

Text of a letter from  a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those  of you not in the know, Eromanga is a  small    town, west  of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland ) 

Dear Mum & Dad,

I  am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big  brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better  than workin' on the station - tell them to get  in blxxdy quick smart before the jobs are all  gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at  first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed  until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all  ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and  shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No blxxdy  horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs  to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,  but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water  and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs  but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew  like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again  until noon and by that time all the city boys  are exhausted because we've been on a 'route  march' - geez its only just like walking to the  windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This  one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with  laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' -  dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a blxxdy  dingo's back-side and it don't move and it's not  firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our  big scrubber bull got into their prize cows  before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is  make yourself comfortable and hit the target -  it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your  own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and  ya don't have to steady yourself against the  rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you  reload!

Sometimes ya  gotta  wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real  careful coz they break easy - it's not like  fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori  and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at  home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a  bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best  the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by  this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot  5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the  shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and  eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till  the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. 

I can't complain about the Army - tell  the boys to get in quick before word gets around  how blxxdy good it is.

Your loving  daughter,

Susan
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 07, 2011, 16:36
I really needed a laugh today and that was brilliant - the last bit was the killer!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on June 07, 2011, 18:52
See attached. I hope!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on June 07, 2011, 19:40
 :lol: :lol: :lol: Very good!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on June 08, 2011, 16:21
Another funny vid:

nGeKSiCQkPwfeature=youtube_gdata_player
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on June 08, 2011, 20:50
See attached. I hope!!!!!!!!!
Very good I wonder what the judge had to hide?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on June 09, 2011, 09:31
OK this isn't a joke but it made me laugh. We were watching a film and they said something about someone wearing cornflower blue, my OH said to me "why is it called cornflower blue when cornflour is white?".
Apparently he never knew it was a flower!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on June 09, 2011, 09:32
 :lol: :lol: Oh dear he must be a townie then  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 10, 2011, 13:29
I read about an Oxford University professor of English literature who really hated Kipling.
Apparently the first time he was kippled had been a very bad experience......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 10, 2011, 14:01
 :unsure: :unsure: I must be thick. I don't get that, sorry  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on June 13, 2011, 04:47
About Cats & Dogs

What is a cat?

- Cats do what they want.

- They rarely listen to you.

- They are totally unpredictable.

- When you want to play, they want to be alone.

- When you want to be alone, they want to play.

- They expect you to cater to their every whim.

- They are moody.

- They leave hair everywhere.

- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.


What is a dog?

- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.

- They growl when they are not happy.

- When you want to play, they want to play.

- When you want to be alone, they want to play.

- They are great at begging.

- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

- They leave their toys everywhere.

- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

- Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on June 13, 2011, 04:55
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, chicken!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on June 13, 2011, 08:46
Trillium - that really made me laugh!! rather reminded me of my house!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 13, 2011, 09:32
the cat /dog one made me splutter  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on June 13, 2011, 15:36


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter sees her and unplugs the horse.

Now who said Walmart greeters are there only to greet?

(Walmart is a huge discount chain store)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on June 13, 2011, 19:10
Hi Trillium,  we are not that backward, we have Asda you know
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on June 14, 2011, 15:31
Mystic Cat (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bTbAsmPOKo)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on June 14, 2011, 15:39
Very good DD. :D That brings THIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw) to mind!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 14, 2011, 15:46
Not so funny..............but looks and sounds just like my Lucycat  ::) :D
She's just run under the bed to hide from the funny cat noises  :nowink:

7UgVbEmBLPcfeature=related
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on June 14, 2011, 20:13


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over... As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness. When to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter sees her and unplugs the horse.

Now who said Walmart greeters are there only to greet?

(Walmart is a huge discount chain store)

I know what Walmart is but as for the rest I haven't a clue?  What horse are we talking about and who or what for goodness sake is a Walmart greeter and errrr why is this funny anyway. ???

HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 14, 2011, 20:19
A Wal-Mart Greeter would be a doorman.

Outside of shops there are often little toy rides for children.

The Wal-Mart greeter unpluged the toy horse she had fallen from and saved her.   :lol: :lol: :lol:


You must get out to the shops more often Hillfooter  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 14, 2011, 22:29
Hillfooter... you're not by any chance....blonde, are you?

Hey, I'm just askin.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Kate and her Ducks on June 14, 2011, 22:47
Don't worry Hillfooter, I needed it explaining to me too!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on June 14, 2011, 22:56
I'm guessing that hillfooter is being a tad disingenuous in his reply.  At least I hope he is. :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 14, 2011, 23:24
To all those people who are blonde and have never heard of Walmart Greeters......

Good on ya!!

Stay that way.. Blonde is beautiful and life is lovely when you know nothing of Wallmart Greeters.. Who needs them anyway  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 15, 2011, 19:14
SPEEDING TICKET   
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on June 16, 2011, 00:19
Hillfooter... you're not by any chance....blonde, are you?

Hey, I'm just askin.....

As it happens I am or used to be, alas there's silver threads among the gold these days! :ohmy:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on June 16, 2011, 04:10
A Wal-Mart Greeter would be a doorman.

Outside of shops there are often little toy rides for children.

The Wal-Mart greeter unpluged the toy horse she had fallen from and saved her.   :lol: :lol: :lol:


You must get out to the shops more often Hillfooter  ;)

 :( :(,, :unsure: :unsure:... :blush: :blush: :blush:.. :) :) :)... :D :D :D... :lol: :lol:..... :mellow: :mellow:... :blink: :blink:....

I    sseeee..... All the blondes round here are born with their backsides firmly welded into the saddle of a horse so I was looking for some deeply philosophical wit.   We don't have too many Walmarts round here but I can see they must be hilarious to visit .  When our   errrr  ...house keeper ...next visits the errrr... shops I'll ask to go along so I can look out for this odd behaviour. :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lindeggs on June 16, 2011, 04:57
Hi Trillium,  we are not that backward, we have Asda you know

So what's Asda then?

And are toy horses like toy dogs - the next step down from miniature?  And if so was the blonde really, really tiny?

 :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on June 16, 2011, 05:08
Hi Trillium,  we are not that backward, we have Asda you know

So what's Asda then?

 :wacko:

I think it's like some early form of sonar for detecting submarines or something like that anyway.  Anti Submarine Detection Apparatus something or other???
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 16, 2011, 09:54
Must be great to live somewhere that's never come across Asda  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 16, 2011, 16:03
Must be great to live somewhere that's never come across Asda  :D

A Safe Distance Away  ;)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lindeggs on June 17, 2011, 00:25

I think it's like some early form of sonar for detecting submarines or something like that anyway.  Anti Submarine Detection Apparatus something or other???
HF

I know I can always rely on Hillfooter for an enlightening response.   :tongue2:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on June 17, 2011, 17:08
The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

 Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and
 decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a
 practice together to share office space and personnel.
 
 Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;
 they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and
 Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

 So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This
 was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
 
 "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
 
 Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down
 again..
 
 Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
 
 Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable
 again!
 
 So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
 
 "Nuts and Butts" - no way.
 
 "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
 
 "Loons and Moons" - forget it.
 
 Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith
 and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends"
 
 Everyone loved it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on June 17, 2011, 20:24
For those who don't know what a proctologist is, they're doctors who put in a hard days work at the orifice. :ohmy:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on June 17, 2011, 21:07
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow

and a blond one.

Two blonds were driving round the M25 when the radio suddenly interrupts with a traffic announcement for the M25 warning that there is one car driving on the wrong carriageway against the traffic. The blond passenger says to the driver: "One? There are hundreds of them".
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lazydog on June 17, 2011, 21:15
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on June 17, 2011, 21:25
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: good one.  That's what i call a joke. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 18, 2011, 14:12
Why men don't become agony aunts!!!!

Dear Jim,

I left home for work the other day and after about 2 miles my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our house only to find my husband in bed with our 19yr old neighbour. They told me that it had been going on for the last 2 yrs.

Can you help me, I'm desperate and need help.


Dear reader,

The most common cause of cars breaking down in the first couple of miles is normally due to dirt in the fuel lines.



Hope this helps.

Jim.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 18, 2011, 17:45
Why men don't become agony aunts!!!!

Dear Jim,

I left home for work the other day and after about 2 miles my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our house only to find my husband in bed with our 19yr old neighbour. They told me that it had been going on for the last 2 yrs.

Can you help me, I'm desperate and need help.


Dear reader,

The most common cause of cars breaking down in the first couple of miles is normally due to dirt in the fuel lines.



Hope this helps.

Jim.

That and forgetting to put petrol in.  ;)

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 23, 2011, 18:59
 in the news today:a ninety year old woman has taken up belly dancing.

which i thought was rather odd as they usually prefer hip op
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 23, 2011, 19:26
groan  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on June 23, 2011, 19:37
biggest Daily Funny at the moment? It's June :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on June 23, 2011, 20:37
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 24, 2011, 01:19
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

 :lol:  :lol: Perhaps he was highly strung  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on June 29, 2011, 22:22
Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behaviour.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results. I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO.



(http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f15/min200/naughty.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 29, 2011, 22:29
Brilliant Min  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on July 01, 2011, 10:14
MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD -at the doctor
BFF -best friend fell
BTW -bring the wheelchair
BYOT -bring your own teeth
FWIW -forgot where I was
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA -got heartburn again
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out
OMMR -on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL -talk to you louder
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on July 01, 2011, 13:54
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and turning to the blonde, asked 'How on Earth did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...



 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: whiskywill on July 01, 2011, 15:36
Just like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London.
 
Mainly I suppose because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.


 

 
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.



They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't.
I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.



If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?



These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.


I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads, and in any weather, holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: nipper31 on July 01, 2011, 16:30
Apologies in advance...  :D

My friend Seamus was stopped by customs at the airport carrying two large, bulky sacks over his shoulder. They search the sacks and find loads and loads of mobile phones in them. The customs officer asked why he had all these phones and Seamus replied:

"Well, oi was on me holidays in Americky when oi get a call from me brother Paddy in Cork. He told me he was startin' up a jazz band and would oi bring him back two saxaphones".

I'll get me coat...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 04, 2011, 13:38
A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local school's pool..... I went away and came back with a cup of water.

When I was young I prayed for a bike. Then I realised God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness instead...............................

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away.......... And you have their shoes...........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 14, 2011, 19:06
Amazing facts about the human body:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.   

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
.
.
.
.
Women: will be finished reading this by now. 

Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.


(So, which of you men are in a state of denial then?)  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 14, 2011, 19:30
Women stop after 'It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach' shaking their heads sadly and then going on and on and flaming well on for hours about how said food then takes the next ten minutes to get from your stomach onto your hips and then six months solid dieting to get it off again...


Twice the length of thumbs?  If only.......   Ah, those were the days.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Old Tom on July 14, 2011, 19:32
Yes, i`ve got very small thumbs too!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: stompy on July 15, 2011, 09:53
My thumbs have always been freakishly long   ;)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on July 15, 2011, 10:36
My thumbs have always been freakishly long   ;)  :lol:

That's because you keep twiggling them all the time :ohmy:

HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: stompy on July 15, 2011, 11:00
What, my thumb?  :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 15, 2011, 17:06
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive.  The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 15, 2011, 17:40
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 15, 2011, 21:19
 

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
<image001.jpg>

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
So you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
And his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on July 17, 2011, 19:46
Not a joke but this was funny - I saw my OH collecting the hens eggs today, I asked him why he put them straight in his pocket, and he said "so they don't see its me taking them and hate me as they'll be really cross" :D ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 17, 2011, 22:54
Not a joke but this was funny - I saw my OH collecting the hens eggs today, I asked him why he put them straight in his pocket, and he said "so they don't see its me taking them and hate me as they'll be really cross" :D ::) :D

I, personally, can see egxactly where he's coming from.  ;)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 18, 2011, 11:23
‎1 - Open Google Maps (directions)
2 - Type China as your starting point
3 - Type Taiwan as your destination.
4 - Read step 48
5 - When you stop laughing, share this with your mates so others can laugh too.

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on July 18, 2011, 12:28
‎1 - Open Google Maps (directions)
2 - Type China as your starting point
3 - Type Taiwan as your destination.
4 - Read step 48
5 - When you stop laughing, share this with your mates so others can laugh too.

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

 :lol: :lol: :lol: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 18, 2011, 20:58
the answer to what's happened to the weather.

INSTALLING SUMMER.....
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Summer" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 18, 2011, 21:00
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Probably what's happened then!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on July 18, 2011, 21:08
˙ʎɐqǝ ɟɟo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ dɐǝɥɔ ɐ ʎnq ɹǝʌǝu
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sarajane on July 18, 2011, 21:55
China to Taiwan  -   :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Just makes me wonder who on earth googled that in the first place  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 18, 2011, 22:00
˙ʎɐqǝ ɟɟo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ dɐǝɥɔ ɐ ʎnq ɹǝʌǝu


got an Oz one then?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 19, 2011, 00:10
˙ʎɐqǝ ɟɟo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ dɐǝɥɔ ɐ ʎnq ɹǝʌǝu


got an Oz one then?  :lol:

 :blink:ɹoʇıuoɯ ǝsɐɥɔɹnd lɐıɔǝds ɐ ɹo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: emzyme on July 19, 2011, 02:10
OMG, lol how funny, I'm rubbish at jokes always get them round wrong way! never new allotment sites could be soooo funny. ;) Thank you.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 19, 2011, 08:17
it's s form of care in the (gardening) community
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 19, 2011, 19:23
we can't help it, honestly. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 19, 2011, 23:58
It's catching...

And you need a sense of humour to garden in our climate and remain sane (?) by the end of the season.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 20, 2011, 23:22
Summer in England is my favourite day of the year.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 20, 2011, 23:25
Summer in England is my favourite day of the year.

I guess they only come along in Leap Years.  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on July 20, 2011, 23:26
Unortunatley :(  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ex-cavator on July 22, 2011, 00:12
I went to my lotty the other day and someone had put 2" of soil all over it.

I went there today and there was another 2" of soil on it.









The plot thickens.

 :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 22, 2011, 00:16
I went to my lotty the other day and someone had put 2" of soil all over it.

I went there today and there was another 2" of soil on it.









The plot thickens.

 :blush:

 :blink:  :unsure:  :mellow:

Got it!!!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Oh I'm slow tonight.  ::)
Love it.  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 23, 2011, 06:14
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on July 23, 2011, 12:02
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 23, 2011, 20:20
Probably not funny but ironical


In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah,

who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has

become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before

me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few

good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You

have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for

 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and

saw Noah weeping in his yard

- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about

to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah,

"but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because

the Ark was over 30sq m. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about

the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have

obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because

it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary

structure, but the roof is too high.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of

State for a decision.  The Local Area Access Group complained that

my ramp was going to be too steep, And the inside of the Ark wasn't fully

accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted

for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,

to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the  sea. I told them that

the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All

the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a

Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted

owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to

save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the

RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against

their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was

cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency

and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd

conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons.

They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building

experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise

seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally

with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least

10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began

to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder

and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government

beat me to it."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 23, 2011, 20:34
> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
>waiting for the
> doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>
> When the doctor arrived to examine the baby, the lady said
>that she was a
> bit concerned about the baby's progress - he did not seem to
>be putting on
> weight.
>
> The doctor showed concern, and asked if the baby was
>breast-fed or
> bottle-fed.
>
> "Breast-fed" she replied.
>
> "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
>
> She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and
>rubbed both
> breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this
>baby is
> underweight. You don't have any milk."

 

>
> "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 24, 2011, 04:12
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on July 24, 2011, 09:14
That's funny because it's so true Trillium. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 25, 2011, 16:54
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 26, 2011, 18:52
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 30, 2011, 12:27
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me "How many potatoes would you like Jon?"

"Ooh, I think I'll just have one please", I replied.

"It's OK, you don't have to be polite!" she said.

"Alright", I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 30, 2011, 12:58
The new Chief Exec came in determined to prove his ruthlessness in stamping out inefficiency, and went round every department in the company to be sure that nobody was in any doubt about the requirements of the new lean and mean efficient regime.
As he toured the factory he say a young chap leaning against the wall of the factory office and went over to him.  "What are you doing right now?" he demanded.
The young chap smiled and replied "I'm waiting to get paid."
The Chief Exec then asked him "How much do you earn each week?"
"About £250", came the reply.
"Right!" said the Chief Exec.  "Seeing you loafing like this with everyone working hard offends me!" and he pulled out his chequebook and wrote out a cheque to cash for £1,000.  Handing it to the astonished chap, he snarled "That is equivalent to four weeks pay in lieu of notice.  Now get out and never come back!"
The chap shrugged, tucked the cheque into his pocket and strolled out whistling.
The Chief Exec put away his chequebook and turned to the small group of employees who had watched this exchange and said "That's how it works now I am here.   If someone loafs whilst everyone else works they need to be aware of what the consequences will be. I hope you all saw what just happened there!"
"Certainly did!" came back a voice.  "You just tipped the pizza delivery lad a grand!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on July 30, 2011, 13:07
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive".

Surely in this age of PC this would be classed as age-ist as well as stereotyping people with disabilities joke. If these were black, Irish, male transvestites, homosexual, Jews, talking in a dole queue you could have covered the entire gambit of PC taboos in one joke.  Just an observation :wub:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 30, 2011, 19:48
A lorry driver was having his breakfast in the transport caf'e the usual with all the trimmings

When a group of hells angels came in, they went over to him and after a bit of banter 

the leader picked up a fork and and ate his sausage then his hash brow drank his tea

 and pinched a cigarette.  the lorry driver finished what was left of his meal and left.

The hells angel leader said to the server.

 Not much of a man was he.

No  and he is not  much of a driver either



He has just run over a load of motorcycles. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 31, 2011, 06:37
Quote from: Trillium on July 24, 2011, 04:12 AM
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive".

Surely in this age of PC this would be classed as age-ist as well as steriotyping people with disabilities joke. If these were black, Irish, male transvestites, homosexual, Jews, talking in a dole queue you could have covered the entire gambit of PC taboos in one joke.  Just an observation
HF
I have just realised I am broad minded, I am in that category,  that joke did not offend me at all.

Every joke is PC incorrect in some way
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on July 31, 2011, 09:02
I'm 61 so can retire if I want to and I have just been told that I have cateracts forming but I still found it funny.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 31, 2011, 09:21
Amended to avoid offence to terrestrial lifeforms (except those who regularly take offence on the behalf of others who they perceive as being slighted even though said others usually couldn't give a rubber ningi about it)

A group of aliens were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My pseudopods have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of Algolian bletterjuice," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My scorpleflies are so bad; I can't even see my Rigellian phlarb."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at Galactic election time, my tentacles are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my cranicase because of the arthritis in my ooflet," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My ichor pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget which galaxy I'm in and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old alien as he slowly shook his cranicase.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said the oldest alienette cheerfully - - "be thankful we can all still fly our saucers".

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lindeggs on August 01, 2011, 00:26
 :lol: Excellent adaptation!  Well done hamstergbert!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 01, 2011, 12:30
Brilliant hamstergbert!

just an observation, but you run the risk of upsetting those atheists who don't believe in blessings  :tongue2: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 01, 2011, 12:41
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh  
 (removed duplication - John)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 01, 2011, 14:18
Brilliant hamstergbert!

just an observation, but you run the risk of upsetting those atheists who don't believe in blessings  :tongue2: :lol:

According to the Uxbridge Universal Dictionary (Western Spiral Arm edition) in addition to any somewhat parochial terrestrial definitions of the term,  'Blessings' are also small 9-legged creatures from the planet Mster in the Gbrt system.  In common with many of the fauna of the galaxy, these have a habit of continuing to exist regardless of how many earthly atheists do not believe in them.   After all, earthly atheists continue to exist even though many Betegeusians have difficulty believing in them and usually accuse me of making them up whenever they come visiting in their saucers.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 01, 2011, 17:32
What have you been smoking? Can I have some? :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 01, 2011, 19:26
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh  
 (removed duplication - John)

sorry John I do not know how that came about I did not intend to put all of them on at once have been selecting the best from a long list 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 01, 2011, 20:55
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lindeggs on August 01, 2011, 22:17

sorry John I do not know how that came about I did not intend to put all of them on at once have been selecting the best from a long list 

Or maybe you're just getting old and repeating yourself?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 02, 2011, 06:26

sorry John I do not know how that came about I did not intend to put all of them on at once have been selecting the best from a long list 

Or maybe you're just getting old and repeating yourself?

not getting I am already there  :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on August 02, 2011, 08:54
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight....

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 02, 2011, 10:14
Don't worry - I know a certain author who wrote an article, forgot he'd written it and then wrote basically the same article again!   :wub:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 02, 2011, 14:22
What have you been smoking? :)
Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight....
odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 02, 2011, 20:52
Shortly after I retired I asked a good friend of mine if he thought that doing voluntary work might be a good idea.

His answer: "I wouldn't do that even if you paid me!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 02, 2011, 21:30
Don't worry - I know a certain author who wrote an article, forgot he'd written it and then wrote basically the same article again!   :wub:



Did you contradict yourself?  ;) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 05, 2011, 02:14
What have you been smoking? :)
Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight....
odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 05, 2011, 07:46
Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in blooming quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No blooming cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a blooming possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how blooming good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 



--

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on August 06, 2011, 18:28
There were two guys working on the pavements. One would dig a hole. The other would come behind him and fill the hole. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the other side of the road and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."   ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 06, 2011, 18:39
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me  ::)

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 07, 2011, 00:43
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me  ::)

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?


This is the fin end of the wedge!!!  >:(
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 07, 2011, 20:33
The Perfect Comeback
 

 
I took my husband Lou to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 71).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange & blue - and my husband kept  staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my husband staring, every time.

When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my husband, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response - I knew he'd have a good one!

In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 07, 2011, 22:26
That is brilliant - tears of laughter here!  :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 09, 2011, 20:16
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder,  followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 09, 2011, 20:17
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me  ::)

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?


This is the fin end of the wedge!!!  >:(
 :lol: :lol:

Can I have that in whiting please...?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 09, 2011, 20:35
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me  ::)

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?


This is the fin end of the wedge!!!  >:(
 :lol: :lol:

Can I have that in whiting please...?

I don't think anyone will beat Growster who is obviously a dab hand at fishing jokes (unless he is just being a pollock!)

A joke (honestly!) by someone who as a yoof used to fish off Hastings pier (RIP).  :( 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 09, 2011, 20:38
Far beit for me to enc roach on your pier fantasies Jay, but you're far too tench at the moment...

I did fish off the pier just once, and got freezzing cold and three something-or-others...!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gandan57 on August 10, 2011, 16:49
Despite the riots, Tottenham Hotspur have just signed a young Italian striker.

His name is Fabrizio Grabatelli...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Carolf on August 10, 2011, 17:56

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on August 10, 2011, 18:25
Ever wonder how blondes remember their passwords?
 
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:
             " MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy "
 
 When asked why use such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 11, 2011, 09:10
    Two tramps have met up and are ambling along together discussing life, the universe, everything, and where the best places were to kip out of the rain, find an unattended bottle of milk and the like.  
    The younger tramp said "Feeling a bit hungry - aint done too well with the old begging today."
    "Ah," says his more experienced companion.  "Bet you bin asking for a few pennies or something haven't you - the old 'spare a few coppers, guv'nor' stuff, that right?"
    "S'right", is the reply.  "They getting real tight these days - won't hand over even a few coins 'cos they reckon I want it for drink.  Means after I've got nuthin to buy grub with."
    His companion shakes his head.  "Course they think you're going to buy cheap cider and hang around shouting and stuff, making the place look untidy.  What you want to do is harness the pity tendency and beg, not for cash, but directly for the food itself!  That way they feel good about themselves."
    "So how does it work, then?"
   "I'll show you."   He steps over to a small pile of, er, horse 'berries' in the road and picks up one lump.   "With this I will get a hot meal when we get to those houses ahead.   But when you try this one, remember that ordinary folk are the most generous.  In my experience, you are better off missing out the posh places in case they call the police on you.  Now, you hide in the bushes and watch and learn", he says.
    While the younger tramp watches from his shrubby place of concealment, the senior gentleman of the road marches up to the door, horse lump clutched in one hand, and knocks quietly.  The door opens and a lady looks nervously out.   The tramp whips off his hat and smiles.
    "Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I was wondering if you might spare a little salt and pepper."  He holds up the horse lump.  "I know it is awful, but it is all I have to eat and I was hoping that with a bit of seasoning I might be able to force it down...."
    The woman is horrified and opens the door fully.  "Oh, you poor man!" she cries.  "I caouldn't possibly stand by while a fellow creature is in such straits!  Throw that away and come in - there's a steak and kidney pie in the oven and we want you to share it with us - it is the Christian least we can do for a fellow being who has fallen on hard times!"
    "Why, bless you ma'am, bless you!", the tramp says with a carefully calculated sob in his voice as he turns and throw the horse lump away, winking towards his hidden pal in the shrubbery before following the kind hearted lady into the brightly lit warm of her kitchen.
    As the door shuts, the younger tramp extricates himself from the bushes.  He is amazed and impressed.  "Right!" he thinks, "I'm going to give it a go myself - but I reckon if it will work for steak and kidney pie, it'll work for luxury stuff!   Heck wtih fiddling around with that cheap stuff - I'm going to try for a banquet and I reckon that mansion up ahead is just the place to get it!"
   Selecting another lump of horse evidence, he marches throught the imposing wrought iron gates and scrunches along the gravelled drive to the front door of a large house, and he rings the bell.   After a long minute or so the door creaks open and he finds himself being inspected by a posh looking lady - four row pearls, coco silk dress etc - who peers at him suspiciously over her pince-nez.
    "Yes?" she drawls.  "What do you want?"
    He launches into his spiel.      "Sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I was wondering if you might spare a little salt and pepper."  He holds up the horse lump.  "I know it is awful, but it is all I have to eat and I was hoping that with a bit of seasoning I might be able to force it down...."
    The woman holds up her hand and stops him.  "Young man, are you telling me you are proposing to eat...that?" she asks, pointing to the lump.
    He nods, turning the pathetic look up a notch.
    She shakes her head.   "I think we can do better than that!" she says.
    He hides his grin.  A result!
    "Definiitely we can!" she goes on.   "Throw that away for heaven's sake!  Go round to the stables behind the house and get yourself a warm piece!"
    The door shuts.  



    
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 11, 2011, 21:48
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.  She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 11, 2011, 23:05
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me  ::)

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?


This is the fin end of the wedge!!!  >:(
 :lol: :lol:

Can I have that in whiting please...?

This scale of competition is too much for me!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on August 12, 2011, 09:54
The Perfect Comeback
  

  
I took my husband Lou to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 71).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange & blue - and my husband kept  staring at her.

The teen would look over and find my husband staring, every time.

When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my husband, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response - I knew he'd have a good one!

In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."




 

 


Very funny particularly as it is peahens that lay the eggs ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 12, 2011, 14:51
What have you been smoking? :)

Herrings.  But it's hard to keep them alight...

odd, considering Herrings are an oily fish.  ::)

True, but they keep swimming out of the rizlas

Sounds very fishy to me  ::)

What? you think perhaps someone is taking the poisson here?


This is the fin end of the wedge!!!  >:(
 :lol: :lol:

Can I have that in whiting please...?

This scale of competition is too much for me!  ::)

This all so corny, I'm amaized...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 12, 2011, 18:09
I'm herring what you say so I'll look shark and get skate to the point.  I have a lump in my trout and feel such an eel  in the last few dace as I haddock meant for anyone to get curried away, as cod is my witness.  This will probably be my sole post carping about the subject in this plaice.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on August 12, 2011, 21:51
I'm herring what you say so I'll look shark and get skate to the point.  I have a lump in my trout and feel such an eel  in the last few dace as I haddock meant for anyone to get curried away, as cod is my witness.  This will probably be my sole post carping about the subject in this plaice.

What a load of codswallop  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on August 13, 2011, 00:51
I'm herring what you say so I'll look shark and get skate to the point.  I have a lump in my trout and feel such an eel  in the last few dace as I haddock meant for anyone to get curried away, as cod is my witness.  This will probably be my sole post carping about the subject in this plaice.

What a load of codswallop  :D


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz........................................please wake me up when you've all finished. HF..................... :closedeyes:.......... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2011, 02:40
I'm herring what you say so I'll look shark and get skate to the point.  I have a lump in my trout and feel such an eel  in the last few dace as I haddock meant for anyone to get curried away, as cod is my witness.  This will probably be my sole post carping about the subject in this plaice.

What a load of codswallop  :D

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz........................................please wake me up when you've all finished. HF..................... :closedeyes:.......... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz

"Do not disturb"              Sh........ tip toe gently.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 13, 2011, 06:03
Looks like you've made a rod for your own back there Hamsters...

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 13, 2011, 06:47
Looks like you've made a rod for your own back there Hamsters...

;0)

I have trawled through these quotes, I think we have exceeded our fishing quota. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on August 13, 2011, 07:44
Looks like you've made a rod for your own back there Hamsters...

;0)


Groan  :lol: :lol:

I have trawled through these quotes, I think we have exceeded our fishing quota. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 13, 2011, 08:27
Well, as far as puns go I was only taking the piscine.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 13, 2011, 16:47
Well, as far as puns go I was only taking the piscine.....

Cod it get any worse?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 14, 2011, 05:49
That's the net result Learner!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 14, 2011, 10:55
That's the net result Learner!

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on August 14, 2011, 12:14
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz............Ahhhhhhhhhh! .......yawwwwn ...... oh no this used to be a brill thread but this grouper sprats are still pouting fishy spoonerisms they must be off their perch.  I wish they'd stop their barbel and change their tuna or do it out of my herring.  There must be a whelk of witty dorys still to tell to give us a cockle, we can but tope.

I’m just grateful  I haven’t caught this load of abalone.
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 14, 2011, 17:06
back to the plot

  A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;  likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. 

   The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 

    'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 

    'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken' 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 15, 2011, 01:59
A biker is visiting a zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal voter.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Not that funny.  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 15, 2011, 08:18
Perhaps not but apt
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on August 15, 2011, 14:47
Here's one from my brother-in-law:  My mate Murphy went on the riots last week - he and his crew hit Argos -  if you want one, he's got 500 catalogues,  dead cheap!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on August 15, 2011, 21:29
About 4 weeks ago, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute
shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the
Christmas season right then.

It was dark, cold, and wet in the multi-story car park as I loaded my
car up with the gifts I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was
missing the shop receipt which I would need to get out of the car park
without paying, so mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the
shopping centre entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a
quiet sobbing.
The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat and was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding two fifty pound notes in his hand, and
thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was
wrong and he told me his sad story.

He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four
sisters and his father had died when he was seven years old. His mother
was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.
Nevertheless, she had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to
buy her children Christmas presents.


His mother had dropped him off on the way to her second job, and he was
to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and sisters and
save just enough to take the bus home. As he had not even entered the
shopping centre, an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes and
disappeared into the night.


"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
"I did" the boy replied.
"And nobody came to help you?"
The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"



I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for
help,

so I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and ran off.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on August 15, 2011, 22:00
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard . The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....

... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on August 16, 2011, 00:22
RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b******’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 16, 2011, 00:54
RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b******’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk


Many a true word said in jest!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 16, 2011, 16:51
who ever thought of this one.

I'm surprised someone didn't have a heart attack!

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1284484047961
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 16, 2011, 23:16
who ever thought of this one.

I'm surprised someone didn't have a heart attack!

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1284484047961
 


Excellent........ that's certainly using your head.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on August 17, 2011, 01:44
who ever thought of this one.

I'm surprised someone didn't have a heart attack!

https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1284484047961
 


Now that's very clever :lol:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rainie on August 18, 2011, 00:50
Beware of Shampoo
I just discovered this important info below. Please share with all your friends. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!


It's the shampoo I use in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!)

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I’ve got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Fairy’s Dish Washing Liquid instead.

Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . .. . I'll be in the shower!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 18, 2011, 00:54
Thanks for that valuable information.. do you think ecover washing up liquid will work as well?  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on August 18, 2011, 06:12
love it - hope you don't mind but have just borrowed it to put on my facebook status  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 18, 2011, 07:08
Presumably you saw http://www.themarketingblog.co.uk/e_article001007177.cfm?x=b11,0,w
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 18, 2011, 20:45
Presumably you saw http://www.themarketingblog.co.uk/e_article001007177.cfm?x=b11,0,w
My we do tend to wander off the plot ::)


A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. 

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 

She says, 'What's the story?' 

He replies, 'Just dodo in the carburetor.' 

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on August 26, 2011, 22:51
Hope this doesn't offend anyone:

A priest and a nun were returning from a church convention when their car broke down. They had it towed to the local garage and faced the fact that they'd have to spend the night in a motel. There was only one motel in town and it only had one room available. So they had a problem.
 
'Sister ,' said the priest, 'I dont think the lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed,'
 
'I think that would be ok,' said the nun.
 
They prepared for bed and each took took their agreed place. Ten minutes later the sister said, 'Father, I'm terribly cold,'
 
'Ok,' said the priest, 'I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet,'
 
Ten minutes later the nun said, 'Father I'm still terribly cold,'
 
'OK sister,' said the priest, ' I'll get up and get you another blanket,'
 
Ten minutes later , the nun said,'Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the lord would mind if we acted as man and wife for just this one night,'
 
'You're probably right,' said the priest , 'Get up and get your own damn blanket'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on August 28, 2011, 21:04
IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
   
The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..
 
Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 2
 
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a  ¼  horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, sorry it's not. Four is larger than two.'
 
We haven't used Garador repair since. 
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

 IDIOT SIGHTING 4
 
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
   
IDIOT SIGHTING 5
 
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked,   'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
 
 IDIOT SIGHTING 6
 
The traffic lights on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 7
 
When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 29, 2011, 08:32
 :lol:

Very good
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on August 29, 2011, 12:29
I was going to build a herb bed today, but couldnt find the tyhme.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on August 29, 2011, 21:25
I was going to build a herb bed today, but couldnt find the tyhme.

.....or the dictionary either Jamie?
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on August 29, 2011, 21:28
Nope, couldnt find one of them either ::)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on September 01, 2011, 14:57
 Waiting in Doncaster to catch speeding drivers, a
 Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
 
 Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a
 speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
 
 Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
 two in the front seats and three in the back - 4 of them wide eyed and
 white as ghosts.
 
 The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
 understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
 problem?"
 
 "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
 should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a
 danger to other drivers."
 
 "Slower than the speed limit? No officer, I was doing the speed
 limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" ....the old woman says rather
 proudly.
 
 The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
 that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
 
 A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for
 pointing out her error.
 
 "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in
 this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound
 this whole time," the officer asks.


  "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come
 off the A120."
>
>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 03, 2011, 18:46
the day after the missus left me i go and win £10 million pound on the lottery

she said "i suppose we better give it another go."

so i said "you can if you like,but i dont need to play it anymore."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 03, 2011, 18:53
 :lol: :lol: Love it  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 04, 2011, 18:37
do you ever wonder about those people who pay £1.50 for little bottles of evian water?

just spell evian backwards.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 04, 2011, 18:48
too true dave  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on September 04, 2011, 20:28
I take no responsibility for writing this, just copied and pasted it!! The parents out there will agree:

It was the night before school started, when all through the town, the parents were cheering - a riotous sound!! By nine, kids were all washed & tucked into bed where memories of homework filled them with dread! New pencils, new folders, new notebooks too!
New teachers, new friends - their anxiety grew! The PARENTS just giggled when they learned of this fright and shouted to all "GO TO BED!!!! IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT!!!   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 04, 2011, 21:33
 :lol: too true  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on September 04, 2011, 21:51
Six weeks of torture and 
"No you can't go out it's raining".  :(
School's closed tomorrow,  >:(
it's teacher training. ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 05, 2011, 08:29
Not forgetting that the new term also looms for the teachers (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/game-on%2c-say-teachers-201109024260/).....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on September 05, 2011, 09:59
Not a joke, but a riddle, its completley stumped me :unsure:

RIDDLE ME THIS:

You see a shirt for £97. You don't have the money to pay for it, so you borrow $50 from your Mum and £50 from your Dad. After buying the shirt, you are left with £3 change, and so you give £1 to your Mum, £1 to your Dad, and keep the remaining pound for yourself. Now you owe your Mum £49 and your Dad £49.

49+49=£98+Your £1= 99.

Where is the other pound?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on September 05, 2011, 10:12
The equation is wrong.

The amount owing should be 49 + 49 minus the quid you still have that could be used to pay one of them back. That's £97 - the cost of the shirt.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 05, 2011, 10:16
Not a joke, but a riddle, its completley stumped me :unsure:

RIDDLE ME THIS:

You see a shirt for £97. You don't have the money to pay for it, so you borrow $50 from your Mum and £50 from your Dad. After buying the shirt, you are left with £3 change, and so you give £1 to your Mum, £1 to your Dad, and keep the remaining pound for yourself. Now you owe your Mum £49 and your Dad £49.

49+49=£98+Your £1= 99.

Where is the other pound?

First point: The sum in the riddle is not logical (it wouldn't be a riddle if it was!); the total cash involved is still £100 and it is all still there (or it was until you spent £97 of it on a shirt.)

Second point: what sort of parents would lend their student son £100 to buy a SHIRT just before starting college?!!  :ohmy:  :ohmy:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on September 05, 2011, 12:20
Not a joke, but a riddle, its completley stumped me :unsure:

RIDDLE ME THIS:

You see a shirt for £97. You don't have the money to pay for it, so you borrow $50 from your Mum and £50 from your Dad. After buying the shirt, you are left with £3 change, and so you give £1 to your Mum, £1 to your Dad, and keep the remaining pound for yourself. Now you owe your Mum £49 and your Dad £49.

49+49=£98+Your £1= 99.

Where is the other pound?

As your Mum is clearly an American you only owe your Mum $50.00 USD = £30.83 GBP and as you paid back £1  that's £36.83.

So as you ended up with a £97 shirt !!! and you repaid debts of £2 and still only owe £50 + £36.88 and pocketed £1 it's only cost you £85.88 a discount of 11.5%. 

You must have passed your A level in Economics and obviously need a £97 shirt to wear for your new job as a city investment accountant.

Well done young fellow ;)
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on September 05, 2011, 16:03
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

 "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the nice guy I am I thought "What the Hell… I'll treat her."

 So we walked past it again.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 05, 2011, 17:50
Like that one Glosterboy!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 05, 2011, 18:02
Memsahib:  I wish I could win the premium bonds million pounds prize again.
Hamster (spilling his tea): 'Again'?!  What do you mean 'again'?
Memsahib:  Well, its not the first time I've wished I could win...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: teasmade! on September 05, 2011, 20:29
i really hope this does not upset or has been here before couldn't look through all the pages anyone but my husband admitted and my son that he would have done exactly the same .....




Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.  The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF *** .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ...!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
 
 
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

if i got one of those for my aniversary i can promise you if he hadn't of tried it first he would be trying seconds after i unwrapped it!!!!! well, just to test it of course  :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 05, 2011, 20:43
Joan Rivers said once that she hated housework, because you spent a day cleaning, Hoovering etc, and another day washing up, and six months later, you have to go through the whole rigmarole again...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on September 06, 2011, 15:00
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on September 06, 2011, 23:01

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, ..............................................................

That's how to cut a long story short teasmade :dry:

Good job you didn't treat us to the full nine yards we'd still be reading and wondering when we would get to the funny bit :blink:

HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lizt on September 09, 2011, 23:19
during the summer we where sat out side in the sun talking to my 83yr old mother in law and we where talking about the allotment and gardening and if she'd like some veg,
my husband asked her if she liked radish to which she replied 'not since they all got myxomatosis!' to which i burst out laughing, she had obviously misheard radish for rabbit! my poor mother in law couldn't understand why i was laughing and i couldn't explain for laughing and my husband, her son, couldn't do owt cause he'd start laughing too.
sorry mum just too good a story not to share. xxx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on September 10, 2011, 09:26
during the summer we where sat out side in the sun talking to my 83yr old mother in law and we where talking about the allotment and gardening and if she'd like some veg,
my husband asked her if she liked radish to which she replied 'not since they all got myxomatosis!' to which i burst out laughing, she had obviously misheard radish for rabbit! my poor mother in law couldn't understand why i was laughing and i couldn't explain for laughing and my husband, her son, couldn't do owt cause he'd start laughing too.
sorry mum just too good a story not to share. xxx

A delieghtful story which caused me to smile as it reminded me of a similar story with my MIL.

She was getting into her late 80s and had been suggesting that as she was coming to the end of her motoring life she wanted to change her "little car".  I had to admit that her now aging Nova was rather tired looking though it had barely done 40000 miles after 10 years.  My wife wasn't impressed as she had been trying to persuade her to give up driving for hers and the sake of other road users and in truth the ocassional short shopping trip she mostly used it for she could afford to pay for a taxi.  However I realised she wasn't to be put off when she announced that "Betty has just got a little Corsair (she meant Corsa) and I'd like one".  either we helped her or she would no doubt be ripped off by the local dealership.  "I't must be small and have four doors she insisted", when I enquired about what the requirements of the "new car" were.

Anyway being rather anti the idea of the then aging Corsa design I set about doing some research on other models that would suit her needs.   I'd narrowed it down to a couple of candidates the top of which was the new Fiat Panda which at the time had just been launched and was getting good reviews. 

So armed with the facts I discussed the virtues of the Fiat with her.  She seemed singularly unimpressed, listening without comment, which I put down to her natural mistrust of all things "foreign".  Finally I played my trump card,  "Jeremy Clarkson has given it a very good write up!", I announced triumphantly.   "Yes he is dear isn't he!", she replied.  Somewhat puzzled I asked what she meant............. "Jeffrey Archer's a very good writer", she replied!

What finally persuaded her that she needed hearing aids is another and even more hilarious story.

HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 10, 2011, 10:02

What finally persuaded her that she needed hearing aids is another and even more hilarious story.


Come on, tell us! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on September 10, 2011, 12:25

What finally persuaded her that she needed hearing aids is another and even more hilarious story.


Come on, tell us! :)

Patience is a virtue John :closedeyes:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 10, 2011, 18:51
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on September 11, 2011, 15:23
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 11, 2011, 16:10

Proofreading is a dying art. SOMETIMES YA' CAN'T FIX STUPID!


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No c**p, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; VeterinarianTakes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------


Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
******************************


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on September 12, 2011, 00:36
 :lol: :lol:  Very good   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 12, 2011, 16:23
 :lol: :lol:

Sitting in the evening sun a husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine.
She says "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you".
Her husband laughs and asks " Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies "It's me, and I'm talking to the wine!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 12, 2011, 16:32
Teacher: Donald how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No that's incorrect.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 12, 2011, 16:48
Medical Definitions
Artery: The study of paintings in the Waiting Room
Bacteria: Back door of Hospital cafe
Barium: What doctors do when a patient dies
Benign: Pediatrics, what you be after you be eight.
Cat Scan: Checking out Kathy the A&E nurse
Cauterize: Make eye contact with any atractive female patient
Colic: The Consultant's sheep dog, last seen loose in the grounds.
Coma: Punctuation mark often followed by a Full Stop!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 13, 2011, 22:36
my grandad was killed by eating a load of baby eels

elver way to go
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on September 13, 2011, 22:53
 :nowink: :nowink: ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 19, 2011, 18:45
the level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.

only the other day i opened a tin of sardines it was full of oil and the fish were all dead.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 20, 2011, 11:25
I couldn't afford the new Ipad so I bought something cheaper called the Ipatch - it's the pirate version

Aarrgh  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on September 20, 2011, 11:57
I couldn't afford the new Ipad so I bought something cheaper called the Ipatch - it's the pirate version

Aarrgh  :)

Love it :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on September 20, 2011, 14:29
An Irishman was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late, to be sure."

The officer then asked, "Really? And who would be giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 21, 2011, 18:25
For the over 50's - a few truths

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter..

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets   (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the barcode, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.  She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm
reminding you too.

Don't laugh.....it is all true...Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.  And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on September 21, 2011, 19:04
Over 50 Trillium - thats me.  Sadly I think that's all true  :ohmy: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 23, 2011, 13:13
5 Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at Dublin port,

Paddy, the customs officer stops them and says,

" it is illegal to carry 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means 4",

"Quattro is just the model of the car", replied the English driver, "Look at the logbook, it says it is designed to carry 5 persons".

"You wont pull that one on me", says Paddy,

"Quattro means 4, you have 5 in your car, so you are breaking the law".

"You idiot", replies the Englishman, "call your supervisor over, I want to speak to someone with a bit of intelligence!",

"Can't do that", replies Paddy, "he's too busy trying to deal with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 23, 2011, 15:21

This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a**.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Agnes Baker
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 24, 2011, 06:57
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the busty blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a different colored thong, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Kathryn
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 24, 2011, 14:00
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on October 03, 2011, 13:37
TRILLIUM - THAT WAS OUTSTANDING !!! All I can offer is...
Question - How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer - Just the one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 03, 2011, 13:53
Ha ha ha Goosey!

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bath tub with brightly coloured gardening tools...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 03, 2011, 14:01
"What would happen if I cut off your left ear?" a psychologist asked a client.
"I would not be able to hear", the client replied.
 
And if I cut off your right ear?", said the psychologist.
"I would not be able to see", replied the client.
 
Astonished, the psychologist asked, "Why?"
"Because my glasses would fall off."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on October 03, 2011, 14:11
How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No point asking them, that's a hardware issue

 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on October 03, 2011, 15:04
TRILLIUM - THAT WAS OUTSTANDING !!! All I can offer is...
Question - How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer - Just the one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.  :lol:

 :lol: :lol:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on October 03, 2011, 20:04
A Chinese guy stood next to me last night in the pub. I said to him, 'Do you know martial arts, like Kung-Fu and Ju-Jitsu?'

'Why you ask?' he says. 'Is it because I’m Chinese?'

I said 'No, it’s because you’re drinking my pint.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 03, 2011, 20:54
Ha ha ha Goosey!

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two - one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bath tub with brightly coloured gardening tools...

That is brilliant :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 03, 2011, 21:50
How many black labradors does it take to change a lightbulb oohlightbulbsthey're my favouritecanI chaseone willyouthrowsticksforme gotadogbiscuitinyourpocket Ilikemudlookthere'sanotherdogwonderwhatitsmellslike arewegoingwalkieswhat is that thingthereforcanIeatitwonderifthatwomanhassandwichesinthatbag betshe'dletmehaveonewhatanintersetingsmellonthispost  etcetcetc..................................
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on October 07, 2011, 20:52
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 08, 2011, 06:19
How many black labradors does it take to change a lightbulb oohlightbulbsthey're my favouritecanI chaseone willyouthrowsticksforme gotadogbiscuitinyourpocket Ilikemudlookthere'sanotherdogwonderwhatitsmellslike arewegoingwalkieswhat is that thingthereforcanIeatitwonderifthatwomanhassandwichesinthatbag betshe'dletmehaveonewhatanintersetingsmellonthispost  etcetcetc..................................

Tea-sur-keyboard...!

Ha ha ha...!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: catllar on October 08, 2011, 08:59
Overheard in pub: "Sent the wife for one of those fish pedicures as a treat. Worked a treat - those pyranhas don't mess about!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 08, 2011, 20:14
Overheard in pub: "Sent the wife for one of those fish pedicures as a treat. Worked a treat - those pyranhas don't mess about!"

I'm not laughing at that joke, dear - honest  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on October 12, 2011, 09:24
I applied to go on How to Look Good Naked

I got a letter back from Channel 4 saying

"I wasn't a suitable candidate" But had I

considered Scrapheap Challenge?

 :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 12, 2011, 10:45
Hee Hee Hee  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: kosh42|EFG on October 12, 2011, 11:30
A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar.

"Sorry," says the barman. "We don't serve minors."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on October 12, 2011, 18:53
A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar.

"Sorry," says the barman. "We don't serve minors."

Did I just spot a cultural joke :lol: :lol:  Surely not on this site? :unsure:  As a friend of mine was often fond of quoting:..............

Edit: That particular saying must be doing the rounds at the moment because this is the third time I've removed it form the Forum in about a week  :(
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on October 16, 2011, 21:37
What do we want?

A cure for memory Loss!

When do we want it?

Want what?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 16, 2011, 22:24
 :lol: :lol:





why am I laughing  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on October 17, 2011, 10:26
A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar.

"Sorry," says the barman. "We don't serve minors."

Did I just spot a cultural joke :lol: :lol:  Surely not on this site? :unsure:  As a friend of mine was often fond of quoting:..............

Edit: That particular saying must be doing the rounds at the moment because this is the third time I've removed it form the Forum in about a week  :(
 


Oh that must be why I've never seen it on here!

If you removed every old joke mom there would be no point in posting any.  Why only yesterday I saw the memory loss joke on a 50's birthday card.  Or was it on Saturday? :unsure:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: stompy on October 17, 2011, 10:39
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do i look fat in this"?

I replied "yes love, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 17, 2011, 14:36
Two dogs and a cat went to the opera.

The head dog got up on his hind legs at the kiosk, and asked for three tickets in the stalls, and the cashier said

'What on earth do two dogs and a cat want at an opera, you've no cultural training, and we don't let animals in anyway'!

The head dog replied, 'Oh yes we do have a lot in common with classical music and opera, we know more than you think I assure you'!

The Cashier replied, 'What rubbish, I bet you don't know any composer's names'!

The head dog stands up again, points his paw to himself then the others and replies :-

'I Bach, he Offenbach, and this is Debussy...'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on October 17, 2011, 17:42
Did I just spot a cultural joke :lol: :lol:  Surely not on this site? :unsure:  As a friend of mine was often fond of quoting:..............

Edit: That particular saying must be doing the rounds at the moment because this is the third time I've removed it form the Forum in about a week  :(
 




Oh that must be why I've never seen it on here!

If you removed every old joke mom there would be no point in posting any. 

The particular 'joke' in question was removed because it was offensive and did not fit with this forum's family-friendly policy - not because it was an old joke.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on October 18, 2011, 02:21
Did I just spot a cultural joke :lol: :lol:  Surely not on this site? :unsure:  As a friend of mine was often fond of quoting:..............

Edit: That particular saying must be doing the rounds at the moment because this is the third time I've removed it form the Forum in about a week  :(
 




Oh that must be why I've never seen it on here!

If you removed every old joke mom there would be no point in posting any. 

The particular 'joke' in question was removed because it was offensive and did not fit with this forum's family-friendly policy - not because it was an old joke.

Thanks for the clarification Yorkie however I think I was maybe being a little too subtle with the play on words here and maybe if what I actually wrote was still here to read and not what you think was written, you would see it wasn't offensive.  I did try to carefully craft the words.

At least I certainly would hope no one would find it offensive because it wasn't intended to be.

HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 18, 2011, 18:21
HF if you continue to argue with moderators the last laugh in the joke topic (which I have long wanted to axe) will be ON you.

You must play nice and not argue in public with moderators or go for and early bath !  Your choice.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on October 18, 2011, 20:34
HF if you continue to argue with moderators the last laugh in the joke topic (which I have long wanted to axe) will be ON you.

You must play nice and not argue in public with moderators or go for and early bath !  Your choice.

Sorry Auntie and Yorkie I'll be good from now on as I don't want an early bath :closedeyes:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lindeggs on October 19, 2011, 11:10
And none of us wants to witness HF taking an early bath!  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on October 19, 2011, 11:19
Now lets get back on topic........A horse walks into a bar......... :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 19, 2011, 11:43
OK!  :)

Man walks into a bar with a Giant Crested Newt on his shoulder.

"Does it have a name?" asks the barman.

"Yes, it's called 'Tiny'," the man replies.

"Tiny?" queries the barman, "that's a strange name - is it your pet?"

"Yes, it's minute," replied the man.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 19, 2011, 11:45
(http://bestsmileys.com/doh/2.gif)

 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on October 19, 2011, 11:50
Now lets get back on topic........A horse walks into a bar......... :)

... and the barman says "Why the long face ? "
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 19, 2011, 11:54
Grizzly walks into a bar and says "I'd like a whisky and.......................soda, please."

Barman asks "Why the big pause?"

Grizzly replies "Dunno really, guess I've always had them."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on October 19, 2011, 12:40
Now lets get back on topic........A horse walks into a bar......... :)

... and the barman says "Why the long face ? "

Imagine the scene...

The sun blazing down on a hot Serengeti Plain, a lone Zebra chomping methodically on the tall grass. Suddenly a Lion leaps from behind an acacia tree onto the Zebra's back. The Zebra looks at the Lion and the Lion says...


Why the long face?  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 19, 2011, 17:25
A horse walks into a bar.........

.....clang!  (It was an iron bar)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 19, 2011, 17:45
a white horse walks into a bar and says "can i have a whiskey please barman" so the barman says "sure what one do you want? we have bells,teachers,famous grouse, we even have one named after you. so the horse says"what eric?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on October 19, 2011, 21:34
I can't remember if this has already been posted on here.  Apologies if it has! 

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle  named Cuddles along for the company. 

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey  who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
 
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
 
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
 
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
 
Moral of this story....
 
Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on October 20, 2011, 09:35
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The barman says...



Why the long face?

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 20, 2011, 16:10
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The barman says "Aw, that's lovely, where did you get him"?

The parrot replies "Well, France of course, he lives there"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 22, 2011, 15:28
beacause the platypus can both lay eggs and pruduce milk

it is the only animal that can make its own custard.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 22, 2011, 15:31
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 22, 2011, 16:37
Dave  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on October 23, 2011, 13:20
I used to work in a blanket factory...............But it folded :ohmy:

Without geometry, life is pointless!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 24, 2011, 15:01
after beating utd 6-1 yesterday the man city players said they cant put into words how happy they are.
im sure their translators will help.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 24, 2011, 20:03
A Welsh joke doing the rounds...

Oxo have brought out a cube to celebrate the English performance in the world rugby. It has the cross of St George on it and will be known as laughing stock.

I had to laugh - despite being English. Well, didn't want the six hulking Welsh rugby players to take offence.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on October 27, 2011, 02:08
Favourite Words

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.


CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 27, 2011, 09:29
 :lol: and all true  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on October 27, 2011, 15:20
Mrs Ferguson nudged Alex this morning.

"Alex she said wake up it's 7"

"Oh no, have they scored again"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 27, 2011, 16:08
Forces wisdom...


'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual –

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur –

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual -

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal –

‘The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you’.
- Basic Flight Training Manual -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual –
 
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit -

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -
 
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author - 
 
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot - 
 
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
- Multi-Engine Training Manual -

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
- Unknown Author - 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal -
 
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by the n you'll be the pilot.'
- Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot - 
 
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, ... the pilot dies.'
- Sign over Control Tower Door - 
 
'Never trade luck for skill.'
- Author Unknown - 
 
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
- Authors Unknown - 
 
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
- Basic Flight Training Manual - 
 
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist - 
 
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) –
 
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB -
 
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pumpkinpatch on October 31, 2011, 17:55
I went berserk in the allotment today, lost the plot  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on November 01, 2011, 19:03
The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 01, 2011, 21:31
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on November 03, 2011, 19:59
Two barbershops were in red-hot competition.

One put up a sign advertising "We do 7-dollar haircuts".

His competitor put up one that read, "We repair 7-dollar haircuts."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on November 06, 2011, 09:27
so England are playing cricket against Pakistan in january,should be interesting.

only a little while ago they gave us a run for our money.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on November 06, 2011, 09:36
Just realised that I am sychic I am writing this at 9:36 and Dave will post a joke at 10:27
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 06, 2011, 17:50
Just realised that I am sychic I am writing this at 9:36 and Dave will post a joke at 10:27

That's the best neutrino joke yet Lilac!

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 07, 2011, 04:56
QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER










Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder........

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on November 07, 2011, 08:32
 :lol: :lol: loved those Trillium, thanks  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 07, 2011, 16:03

Places I've Been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deeps**t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on November 07, 2011, 21:23

Places I've Been


I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

I have been in Deeps**t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Great!  Thanks ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 08, 2011, 12:05
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £25!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on November 09, 2011, 19:40
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend, yet.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop at any time....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £25!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Groan, groan and groan!!!!!!!
They made me chuckle though :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 09, 2011, 22:37
Ta Nige (jokes that are simple and silly work well for me these days!)  :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on November 10, 2011, 09:28
I've been watching Frozen Planet on tv and am amazed at how different the Arctic is from the Antarctic. In fact, you could say they are poles apart  :D



I made that one up on the way in this morning  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on November 11, 2011, 13:25
I've been watching Frozen Planet on tv and am amazed at how different the Arctic is from the Antarctic. In fact, you could say they are poles apart  :D



I made that one up on the way in this morning  8)
yeah we can tell :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on November 11, 2011, 14:17
The most famous item of Engineering equipment is ..........................
...

Circlip Richard :unsure: :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on November 12, 2011, 11:27
i was stopped by a policeman the other day.

he said "do you know how fast you were going?"

i said "i was only keeping up with traffic."

so he says "but there is no traffic."

so i said "see thats how far behind i am."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on November 12, 2011, 11:30
i bought a new guard dog last week

its useless it lets anyone in

its a uk border collie
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on November 12, 2011, 17:33
The most famous item of Engineering equipment is ..........................
...

Circlip Richard :unsure: :unsure:

Groan  :dry: Nigel, however took me at least 30 secs before the penny dropped  ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 14, 2011, 17:25
A farmer named Bill was overseeing his  herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Scotland   when suddenly a brand new 4x4 advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bill looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bill.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then Bill says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Bill.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a flock of sheep...



Now give me back my dog.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on November 14, 2011, 17:36
whilst funny sadly this is probably so close to the truth  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 14, 2011, 18:03
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 16, 2011, 06:21
Three builders are bidding to paint No 10, Downing Street.

One is from Tottenham, another is from Clapham, and the third is from Bethnal Green.

All three go with a government official to examine the job. The Tottenham contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil on the back of a fag packet, whistling tunelessly. "Well," he says, "I reckon the job will cost about £30,000: £5,000 for materials, £20,000 for my blokes and £5,000 profit for me."

The Clapham contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and after a few calls on his mobile and a quick shuffle around the place, scratches his backside and says, "I can do this job for £20,000: £4,000 for materials, £12,000 for my men and £4,000 profit for me."

The Bethnal Green contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "£40,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the place like the other firms! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Bethnal Green contractor leaned in and whispered back, "£10,000 for me, £10,000 for you, and we get the bloke from Clapham to do the job."

"Done!" replies the government official.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sunshineband on November 16, 2011, 07:31

 :ohmy:

be careful, someone will knock at your door, Growster... a government official............  :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 16, 2011, 09:43

 :ohmy:

be careful, someone will knock at your door, Growster... a government official............  :blink:

Blimey, I hope so KC, we need the work...;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on November 16, 2011, 09:52
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 16, 2011, 18:20
That was brilliant :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on November 19, 2011, 20:32
TEACHER:    Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North America    ..
MARIA:      Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________   
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:   You told me to do it without using tables..
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   
____________________________________________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
__________________________________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:    Me!
__________________________________________   
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:       Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  '
MILLIE: I  is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE: All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'       
________________________________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:    Because George still had  the axe in his hand.....     
______________________________________   
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.   
______________________________
TEACHER:    Clyde , your  composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your   brother's..   Did you copy his?
CLYDE   : No, sir. It's the same dog.     
 
___________________________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer  interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 22, 2011, 16:52
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS.....

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would
pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 22, 2011, 18:43
For those who think the UK unemployment system is bureaucratic... try the Spanish system

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRXGDy05kFEAll

Not exactly funny but if you thought Britain had talent, check out what India has to offer..

S2SUaoVy_iUfeature=aso
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on November 22, 2011, 19:27
Warriors of Goja  :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on November 22, 2011, 19:52
Finally a computer setting I understand!

(http://mail.tools.sky.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=15e2c2017d&view=att&th=133ccd352fadcef3&attid=0.0.1.1&disp=emb&zw)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 23, 2011, 02:35
Yikes, I could watch only part of that Warriors segment. Couldn't handle any more. YUUKKKK!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on November 23, 2011, 10:30
loved the job centre one  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 23, 2011, 10:32
Yikes, I could watch only part of that Warriors segment. Couldn't handle any more. YUUKKKK!

At the end, they get given a bundle of cash so I figure they won. They're all bleeding but smiling and laughing. Reminded me of the Kung Fu act from China the Shao Lin put on.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 23, 2011, 13:41
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
 
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
 
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
 
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland "
 
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.
 
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
 
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
 
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
 
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
 
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
 
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
 
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
 
"Do you know who I am?"
 
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
 
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
 
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 euros per second"
 
"I will never use this bar again"
 
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 23, 2011, 17:22
That was cutting  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 24, 2011, 16:31
My parents taught me well:

Religion ........ "You better pray that comes out of the carpet"

Logic ............."Because I said so, that's why"

Irony............."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"

Wisdom......... "When you get to my age, you'll understand"

Justice ..........."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on November 25, 2011, 09:26
My parents taught me well:

Religion ........ "You better pray that comes out of the carpet"

Logic ............."Because I said so, that's why"

Irony............."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"

Wisdom......... "When you get to my age, you'll understand"

Justice ..........."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!"

Did you grow up in my house?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 25, 2011, 09:45
I think you would have known if I did cos your sanity would have been long gone, :wacko: there's only one of me, :tongue2: the world couldn't cope with 2. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 25, 2011, 09:55
My parents taught me well:

Religion ........ "You better pray that comes out of the carpet"

Logic ............."Because I said so, that's why"

Irony............."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"

Wisdom......... "When you get to my age, you'll understand"

Justice ..........."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!"

Did you grow up in my house?  ::)

or maybe in mine  :unsure:

 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on November 25, 2011, 21:57
Is it too early for a winterval joke? I heard a good one today but don't want to be banished!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 25, 2011, 21:57
Not until December ...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on November 25, 2011, 21:59
OK I'll hold onto it another week!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on November 26, 2011, 09:09
I know we've probably all seen these before, but they're still worth a look

Snippets from actual insurance claims...


I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

. I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

 Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.

 To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
•Windshield broke.

•No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

•I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

•The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

•I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

•I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.

•An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

•I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

•The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 27, 2011, 09:16
Credit crunch. . .

The married version. . . . . . . .

Husband & wife at Asda, he puts a box of Stella in trolley.

"What you think ur doing "? Asks wife.

"Its on offer, £10 for 24 cans"

"Put em back we can't afford it" says wife.

A few aisles on wife picks up £20 jar of face cream & puts it in trolley.

"What u doing"? Asks husband.

"It makes my face look beautiful" she says.

Husband says,

" So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price"... :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 27, 2011, 11:52
 :lol: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on November 27, 2011, 17:10
Credit crunch. . .

The married version. . . . . . . .

Husband & wife at Asda, he puts a box of Stella in trolley.

"What you think ur doing "? Asks wife.

"Its on offer, £10 for 24 cans"

"Put em back we can't afford it" says wife.

A few aisles on wife picks up £20 jar of face cream & puts it in trolley.












"What u doing"? Asks husband.

"It makes my face look beautiful" she says.

Husband says,

" So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price"... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thin ice, my friend, thin ice and no skates......beware the wrath of the women on this forum!!! :tongue2: ( I still laughed though)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on November 28, 2011, 17:44
Husband down the pub every night, wife has had enough and decides to join him. She asks him what he is drinking and tell him to get her a pint of the same. She takes one sip, pulls a face and says, I dont know how you drink this stuff.  There you are says the husband and you think I'm enjoying myself!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on November 29, 2011, 15:58
A guy with a carrot in each nostril and a parsnip in his ear goes to the doctor.

'Whats the matter with me?' he says

The Doctor replies

'I think you're not eating properly'  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on December 01, 2011, 14:06
A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather.
His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain.
Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


Sorry I couldn't resist it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Willie_Eckerslike on December 01, 2011, 16:47
Thought I would share my attempt to get fit with you in case you would like to try it.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
... Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on December 01, 2011, 19:38
A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather.
His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain.
Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


Sorry I couldn't resist it!

Groan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 02, 2011, 09:22
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Killer  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 02, 2011, 18:00
all this aids awareness stuff is really freakin my nan out.

since she heard about the dangers of using dirty needles she has'nt been anywhere near her knitting
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on December 03, 2011, 12:34
 :lol: :lol: silly Dave!! brilliant
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 04, 2011, 10:10
looks like this year naughty children will be getting euros instead of expensive coal
                                *                           *                           *
research says that a good looking person is more likely to cheat on their partner.

obviously these researchers have never watche the jeremy kyle show
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on December 04, 2011, 18:48
After all these years I have just found out the first names of my grandparents.

They were called Pearl and Dean...

I just always knew them as Grandma and Grandpa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 06, 2011, 15:33
i went to the doctors this morning and said.

"i applied some of that pile cream you prescribed me and got a really nasty reaction."

so he said "where did you apply it."

"on the bus" i said.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 06, 2011, 18:24
  :lol: :lol: Dave!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 07, 2011, 19:19
i cant believe my neighbour 2.30 this morning he was knocking on my door,2.30.

luckily for him i was still up playing my drums.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 07, 2011, 20:47
If only it were true!! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on December 08, 2011, 00:05
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself  "She's going through the change."

Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Nutter' who has stabbed six people in the bum in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 08, 2011, 07:41
the new manchester united fragrance has been released for this Christmas channel no5

                                    *                      *                       *
arsenal are hoping to lure samir nasri from manchester city with the promise of champions league football.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on December 08, 2011, 11:50
 :lol: Davyboy!!!! sweet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 09, 2011, 20:39
Ten years ago Bob Hope died.
 
Five years ago Johnny Cash died.
 
A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died.
 
Two weeks ago Jimmy Saville died.
 
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on December 09, 2011, 21:36
Very good  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Willie_Eckerslike on December 10, 2011, 09:25
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my mate, "That's us in 10 years".

He said, "That's a mirror, dip-stick!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on December 10, 2011, 13:25
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my mate, "That's us in 10 years".

He said, "That's a mirror, dip-stick!


Brilliant!!  Just the sort of thing I would say!!!   :D   :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on December 10, 2011, 16:03
Ten years ago Bob Hope died.
 
Five years ago Johnny Cash died.
 
A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died.
 
Two weeks ago Jimmy Saville died.
 
Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It.....
Perhaps we need a coalition to sort it all. :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on December 12, 2011, 13:58
Fellers, next time you're feeling hard done by
 
Spare a thought for the male angler fish. Grotesquely ugly, unable to feed himself and 1/20th the size of the female. When he does finally snare himself a lady, his organs, brain, heart and eyes dissolve until all that's left is a pair of ******
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on December 12, 2011, 23:10
Fellers, next time you're feeling hard done by
 
Spare a thought for the male angler fish. Grotesquely ugly, unable to feed himself and 1/20th the size of the female. When he does finally snare himself a lady, his organs, brain, heart and eyes dissolve until all that's left is a pair of ******
 


Surely fish don't have ******** :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gandan57 on December 13, 2011, 09:35
I was walking over a frozen lake with my mate when he started to tell me about how he and his wife are having loads of arguments,

I said, "You're walking on thin ice there mate!"
 
"Yeah, yeah, very funny, I'm trying to have a serious conversation and you're making jokes," he replied.
 
And thats when the ice cracked and he disappeared.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on December 13, 2011, 10:00
Surely fish don't have ******** :unsure:
I have a Jewish friend and their family have fish balls every friday evening. 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on December 13, 2011, 12:22
Surely fish don't have ******** :unsure:
I have a Jewish friend and their family have fish balls every friday evening. 8)

..........and I never knew fish could dance.  I wondered what the next series of Strictly was going to dish up for us :happy:
HF
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gandan57 on December 13, 2011, 19:40
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He then stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer where he picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot"

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 15, 2011, 17:08
Fellers, next time you're feeling hard done by
 
Spare a thought for the male angler fish. Grotesquely ugly, unable to feed himself and 1/20th the size of the female. When he does finally snare himself a lady, his organs, brain, heart and eyes dissolve until all that's left is a pair of ******
 

i remember having cod ones for tea a long time ago :blink:

Surely fish don't have ******** :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on December 15, 2011, 19:07
Here is the pretty Angler fish
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 16, 2011, 13:56
i dig,you dig,we dig,he digs,she,digs,they dig,its not a beautiful poem,but its very deep.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 16, 2011, 15:33
i dig,you dig,we dig,he digs,she,digs,they dig,its not a beautiful poem,but its very deep.

Is the comma between she and digs significant? Perhaps I'm over thinking it. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hillfooter on December 16, 2011, 17:37
i dig,you dig,we dig,he digs,she,digs,they dig,its not a beautiful poem,but its very deep.

Is the comma between she and digs significant? Perhaps I'm over thinking it. :)


Man! it's obviously the transcript from a beatniks conference :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 17, 2011, 00:14
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Really, ..." says  Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
 
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the  worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a  coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I  thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to  our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get  one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver  was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to  myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 17, 2011, 06:28
LOL John!

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned  with a similar town in Greece. The  Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial  mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a  house. The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave  us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge, with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He  was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?" The Spaniard replied; "No?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 17, 2011, 11:04
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 18, 2011, 07:00
Can you imagine working for a company that only has a little more than 635 employees, but, has the following employee statistics.
 
29 Have been accused of spouse abuse.
 7  Have been arrested for fraud.
 9  Have been accused of writing bad cheques.
17 Have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses.
  3 Have done time for assault.
71 Cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
14 Have been arrested on drug-related charges.
 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting.
21 Are currently defendants in lawsuits.
84 Have been arrested for drink driving in the last year.
 
AND
 
Collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer £92,993,748 in expenses.
 
Which Organisation is this?
 
It's the 635 Members of the House of Commons.
 
The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
 
And just to top all that, they probably have the best 'corporate' Pension scheme in the country. >:(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 18, 2011, 11:34
i dig,you dig,we dig,he digs,she,digs,they dig,its not a beautiful poem,but its very deep.

Is the comma between she and digs significant? Perhaps I'm over thinking it. :)

no its not john,sorry fat fingers :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greetwellboy on December 19, 2011, 06:07
Not sure what to get the wife for Christmas?
Don't want a repeat of last years fiasco!
Last year I thought,shall I get her an i-pod?,then I thought I will  get her an i-phone.
then I thought I would get her an i-pad.
But I settled in the end to get her an........i-ron.
Not bad really,I was up and about in 10 days.
Still not walking straight thou!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on December 20, 2011, 09:18
i dig,you dig,we dig,he digs,she,digs,they dig,its not a beautiful poem,but its very deep.

Is the comma between she and digs significant? Perhaps I'm over thinking it. :)

no its not john,sorry fat fingers :blink:

Don't Call John 'Fat Fingers', it's not nice  :ohmy:  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 20, 2011, 09:23
Don't Call John 'Fat Fingers', it's not nice  :ohmy:  :D

 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on December 20, 2011, 16:11
Not sure what to get the wife for Christmas?
Don't want a repeat of last years fiasco!
Last year I thought,shall I get her an i-pod?,then I thought I will  get her an i-phone.
then I thought I would get her an i-pad.
But I settled in the end to get her an........i-ron.
Not bad really,I was up and about in 10 days.
Still not walking straight thou!!!!!!!!!
Why are you creased up
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: greetwellboy on December 21, 2011, 04:00
oh ha ha snowdrops,,very good.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 21, 2011, 08:07
three vampires walk into a pub on halloween,walk up to the bar and the bartender says,
"what will it be fella's."
the first one says"i will have a pint of blood please."
the second one says"i'll have a pint of blood too please barman."
and the third one says"i think i'll have a pint of plasma please."
so the barman says "so lets get this straight fella's that two bloods and a blood lite.

2
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on December 21, 2011, 22:19
BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"



Merry Christmas!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 22, 2011, 05:02
Excellent GT! ;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 22, 2011, 06:13
Note: No nationalities mentioned here.

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.

You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!

About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Altzeimer's disease.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

PS I was going to send you ten pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allotmenteer on December 23, 2011, 00:27

^^^^^^    hahaha     :lol:    :lol:    :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 23, 2011, 00:35
Note: No nationalities mentioned here.

.....

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

....

Must be Wales! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 23, 2011, 06:07
Hilarious DD!

Can I borrow it please?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 23, 2011, 06:29
Yours to keep!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 23, 2011, 06:40
You're very kind DD!

Thank you!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 24, 2011, 10:57
Breaking News!  Santa has been allegedly substituting ex-lax for chocolate money in his Christmas stockings.

Apparently he's been declared Public Enema Number One.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 24, 2011, 11:57
There are many versions of this kicking around and I dare say even on this thread, but it's a good time of year to recycle it:

Christmas Cake Ingredients:
  1 cup of water
  1 tsp baking soda
  1 cup of sugar
  1 tsp salt
  1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice
  4 Large eggs Nuts
  1 Bottle of Vodka
  2 cups of dried fruit

  Sample the vodka to check quality.
  Take a large bowl check the vodka again.
  To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
  Repeat.
  Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
  Try another cup ,   just in case turn off the mixerer.
  Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  Pick fruit off floor.
  Mix on the turner.
  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
  Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
  Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a poo.
  Check the vodka.
  Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  Add one table.
  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
  Greash the oven and pee in the fridge.
  Turn the cake tin 350 degrees and try not to fall over.
  Don't forget to beat off the turner.
  Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.
  Fall into bed.
  CHERRY MISTMAS!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 24, 2011, 18:18
Are you at our house, then? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Merry Christmas everyone.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 25, 2011, 06:20
Ha ha ha DD!

Marvellous one that; tea-sur-keyboard...

;0)

Happy Christmas to you and all the other DDDDDDDs...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on December 27, 2011, 11:41
clearasil moved their factory to london,and hackney disappeared overnight

                                   *                     *                       *
im not an alcoholic,because alcoholics go to meetings.

im a drunk coz drunks go to parties
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: seedman on December 30, 2011, 19:41
Note: No nationalities mentioned here.
DD that was funny :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on January 08, 2012, 10:00
A group of men working on a building site, when suddenly a brick comes flying down and slices  Paddy's  right ear clean off. 
Paddy is in shock, staggering around shouting, my ear, my ear.  All the workmen  gather round and assure Paddy that they would find his ear and with modern surgery it could be stiched  back on.
They all set about searching in the rubble,  when suddenly  one of the men shouted, I've found it! holding up the ear.
Paddy lookd up and said....that's not my ear, I had a pencil behind mine!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on January 11, 2012, 15:36
"PARAPROSDOKIANS"

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian."

OK, so now enjoy these:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to h*ll in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on January 11, 2012, 22:37
Ha ha, brilliant Trillium and so very true!!!
 :D  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wildseed on January 17, 2012, 12:00
2 old dears are waiting in the old folks home for the grim reaper to call their numbers.  They have known each other for over fifty years. Both have helped each other bury their husbands.  :(  Both have watched each others children grow up.
Agnes " How are you today dear?"
Betty " I am fine my dear. Sorry I have forgotten your name? "
Agnes " how soon do you need to know"

Mmmmmmm.  could be you sooner than you think ????
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on January 20, 2012, 16:24
You dont have to be an Engineer to Understand This


A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get peed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.
They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flashlights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should.The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" - he says,before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.
It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers – "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on January 20, 2012, 16:28
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 21, 2012, 06:49
Excellent Min! Marvellous!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on January 21, 2012, 20:55
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out. When finally the door swung open she stood there and asked ‘tell me honestly honey, do I look fat in this’

I replied. “Yes love but to be fair it is a small bathroom”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on January 26, 2012, 17:22
On his first day of work a young man was called to his managers office.

"If you're going to work here young man, " said the boss, "the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm - Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"

"Oh, yes, sir." responded the young man.

"And another thing - the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat." said the boss.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on January 26, 2012, 20:36
I bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav but had to take it back.  It kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on January 26, 2012, 21:25
I bought a Bonnie Tyler sat nav but had to take it back.  It kept telling me to turn around and every now and then it fell apart. :)

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on January 26, 2012, 21:44
I tried to use it on a European holiday but I got lost in France. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on January 26, 2012, 22:03
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on January 27, 2012, 13:53
Our next door neighbours went mad when they found me and the wife at it like rabbits in their garden.

"Get your own carrots you thieving wotsits!" they shouted.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 27, 2012, 17:19
Our next door neighbours went mad when they found me and the wife at it like rabbits in their garden.

"Get your own carrots you thieving wotsits!" they shouted.

Brilliant!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: min200 on January 27, 2012, 19:04
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,

chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.



After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...

no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.



He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls

surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping,

he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,



"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on January 28, 2012, 09:34
Not sure if this has been posted before, but made me laugh
 - Reminded me of at college when I gave a similar answer to a question I didn't know the answer to - and got a point for it because it wasn't wrong, just wasn't the answer they wanted!!

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the  page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already  built.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on January 28, 2012, 12:57
I tried this on my OH and he answered all the questions in the same way  :tongue2:
What does that say about him? :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gobs on January 29, 2012, 18:21
I can tell you real life ones.

Orienteering, no else. He's back early. What happenned?

The best ever. I couldn't find the place. Where the orienteering competition was.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on January 30, 2012, 21:16
apologies if these have been on here before, but i'm not trawling through 132 pages!  :lol:

Apparently, these are genuine notes left out for the milkman!


Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but no bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on January 30, 2012, 21:53
My husband was a milkman for many years and he got lots of notes similar to the above. He helped one elderly lady turm her matress every fortnight, one day she left a note out saying......no bed today I don't feel up to it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MJS on January 30, 2012, 22:04
My husband was a milkman for many years and he got lots of notes similar to the above. He helped one elderly turm her matress every fortnight, one day she left a note out saying......no bed today I don't feel up to it!

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on January 31, 2012, 08:43
oh that is so funny lacewing - hope the postman or anybody else didn't read the note - rumours would have been rife  :lol:
Years ago milkmen, posties, bread deliverymen etc were a godsend for many people and often the first people to know if help was needed.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on January 31, 2012, 09:34
Yes indeed Joyful. My husband loved that side of his job and never minded  lending a helping hand to elderly custmors. Especially the housebound, who lookd forward to seeing him every morning.  We had many good laughs reading the notes he received :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on February 01, 2012, 18:04
Just to clarify, Robin Hood is one of the two main brand names of flour over here.


What is Celibacy??

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to
 the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
 things that are important to each other."
 
 He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
 favourite flower?'
 
> I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
>
> 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
>
> And thus began my life of celibacy
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 01, 2012, 18:55
My husband was a milkman for many years and he got lots of notes similar to the above. He helped one elderly lady turm her matress every fortnight, one day she left a note out saying......no bed today I don't feel up to it!

Wonderful. :D
I have to leave a note out for my milkman this week to ask him not to open the porch door , but to leave the milk outside.  The dog went bananas at 3.50 a.m today and woke me and the neighbours!  It wouldn't have been so bad, but he was keeping warm by sleeping on top of my bed at the time.  Took me ages to drop off again and de-stress! :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gobs on February 01, 2012, 21:31
I understand. We are on good terms with the neighbour, but he never slept on me bed. :lol:

Actually, his wife locked him out once, that was funny. :D Around Christmas it was, so I'm guessing intelligently it might have had to do with him getting a bit too much peed. And he was in a state that he kept knocking that all those awake got to know, when obviously his wife well knew he was out there. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: viettaclark on February 02, 2012, 18:10
Man goes into a psychiatrist's office dressed from head to toe in cling-film.
Psychiatrist says "You don't need to say anything......I can see you're nuts."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on February 02, 2012, 19:34
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: born_2b_mad on February 03, 2012, 09:28
Mediocrities, the lesser successful brother of Socrates
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on February 03, 2012, 20:50
Prob not a joke:
A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on February 04, 2012, 12:13
John Terry said on losing the England captains armband that he had not been this disappointed since running out of petrol on the way to Wayne Bridges house.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on February 07, 2012, 18:25
Durring this cold snap, the Goverment has advised the public that when travelling they should take with them;
Jump leads
Warning triangle
basic tools
Spare screen wash
Small snow shovel
24 hrs food supply
Extra warm clothing
Blanket,
Warm drink
Sleeping bag
Tow rope
Spare bulbs
Flash light.

I looked a proper idiot on the train this morning.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 07, 2012, 20:57
My boss phoned me today, he said; "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a  very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

"Speed it up a little, I'm in the four-ball behind you."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on February 07, 2012, 20:59
Durring this cold snap, the Goverment has advised the public that when travelling they should take with them;
Jump leads
Warning triangle
basic tools
Spare screen wash
Small snow shovel
24 hrs food supply
Extra warm clothing
Blanket,
Warm drink
Sleeping bag
Tow rope
Spare bulbs
Flash light.

I looked a proper idiot on the train this morning.

 :lol: Love it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 08, 2012, 23:53
My boss phoned me today, he said; "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a  very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

"Speed it up a little, I'm in the four-ball behind you."

OK - I give up.. what's a "four-ball"?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on February 08, 2012, 23:54
Golf John  - a group of 4 going round together.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 09, 2012, 00:12
Would have been funnier if I'd known that :)

Reminds me of the time Dad left me in charge of the shop... he got back and said "You've not burned the place down then?" 

"Not quite" I answered as I got round to explaining our delivery van had caught fire in the car park!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 09, 2012, 16:59
Would have been funnier if I'd known that :)

Reminds me of the time Dad left me in charge of the shop... he got back and said "You've not burned the place down then?" 

"Not quite" I answered as I got round to explaining our delivery van had caught fire in the car park!

Ouch!  Similar story for me :
I was lent a neighbour's car while he was on holiday.  On picking his family up from the airport his dad joked "you've not pranged it then?"   "Ah, not me," I replied, "- but another neighbour reversed into it!"  Red faces all round :wacko: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: conteasy on February 15, 2012, 21:21
So now for a Yorkshire joke . . . 

A Man's beloved wife has died, and he wants a tasteful headstone for her grave.  The funeral director arranges for him to see a local stonemason.  At the mason's yard, the man is shown a selection of quality stones, and chooses a beautiful granite slab.  The stonemason asks what inscription the husband would like carving on it?  He thinks for a while, then says  "She was a very religious woman, she was close to God.  I would like you to put "She was Thine". 
   "Leave it with me sir" says the mason, "I will let you know when it's done".  A week later the widower gets a call to say his wife's headstone is ready.  He goes to the stonemasons yard and sees the headstone all beautifully polished and inscribed, but it doesn't look quite right. He realises it says "She was Thin".  The mason asks what he thinks?  "I'm impressed" says the man, it's very smart but there's just one problem - you've left the "e" off.
   "I'm very sorry sir" says the craftsman, "I'll put that right for you".  A few days later the man gets a message to say the headstone is now completed.  He goes round to the masons yard again and there is his wife's headstone gleaming in the morning sun  It now reads:
"Eee She was Thin"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on February 15, 2012, 21:27
So now for a Yorkshire joke . . . 

A Man's beloved wife has died, and he wants a tasteful headstone for her grave.  The funeral director arranges for him to see a local stonemason.  At the mason's yard, the man is shown a selection of quality stones, and chooses a beautiful granite slab.  The stonemason asks what inscription the husband would like carving on it?  He thinks for a while, then says  "She was a very religious woman, she was close to God.  I would like you to put "She was Thine". 
   "Leave it with me sir" says the mason, "I will let you know when it's done".  A week later the widower gets a call to say his wife's headstone is ready.  He goes to the stonemasons yard and sees the headstone all beautifully polished and inscribed, but it doesn't look quite right. He realises it says "She was Thin".  The mason asks what he thinks?  "I'm impressed" says the man, it's very smart but there's just one problem - you've left the "e" off.
   "I'm very sorry sir" says the craftsman, "I'll put that right for you".  A few days later the man gets a message to say the headstone is now completed.  He goes round to the masons yard again and there is his wife's headstone gleaming in the morning sun  It now reads:
"Eee She was Thin"!



 :lol: :lol: :lol: My non Yorkshire husband didn't think it funny though.Mind you he can't spell either.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: A. Fallowfield on February 16, 2012, 12:46
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: savbo on February 17, 2012, 10:06
My boss phoned me today, he said; "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a  very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

"Speed it up a little, I'm in the four-ball behind you."

reminds me of an old mate (sadly no longer with us) who had a really high pressure sales job...but one day phoned in saying he was stuck in traffic on the M6 and wouldn't make it to the office....from the summit of Snowdon

 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 20, 2012, 20:14
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 20, 2012, 21:48
                    True Reports from British life .........!!!

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)


Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

Oh, really???

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on February 20, 2012, 22:25
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 22, 2012, 08:01
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a wall."

 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Aint that the truth
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 25, 2012, 06:52
My chum, Quentin ffoxley-Cabbage was discussing the attributes of his new car to anyone who bothered to listen.

'Q' is a great chap, well liked, and with a ready smile and wink to all and sundry, as well as a stash of large denomination notes in a cavernous wallet, which he opens more than often to buy rounds of drinks for those who care to join him.

All in all, like Damon Runyon's immortal character, Feet Samuels, 'Q' is a very honourable guy.

The latest story went like this...

'Q' was driving to a new site, which is way out in the sticks, and is reached via a series of country lanes. He was driving his new Ferrari, and had not a care in the world, until there was a sort of splutter from the bonnet of the car, and it sighed, stopped and coasted to a halt in a layby.

'Q' said 'b****r' under his breath, then on top of it as well for good measure.

He got out of his car and gingerly lifted the bonnet. All he could see was a myriad of pipes, wires, gleaming steel bits, something red, and not much else. As he was staring blankly at the engine, wondering what to do next, he thought he heard a voice say 'red electric capping loose'!

Looking both ways he saw nobody, and heard nothing. The voice repeated the words 'red electric capping loose'. Again, 'Q' looked all round and saw nothing moving, except for a couple of old horses munching their way across the field nearby. One was watching him closely.

So 'Q', in desperation, nudged the red item in the engine, and sure enough, it moved slightly! He quickly realised that it needed a twist of some sorts, and sure enough, it tightened up immediately, which is something Ferrari are always proud of, especially where certain parts of the body are concerned, but we won't go there for the time being...

'Q' took one last glance around, and seeing nothing except the old nags in the field, he got in, started his car, and drove off.

In the next village, he realised he needed a short tincture to alleviate the pangs of pain at the thought of having a broken car which had been mended by unusual circumstances, and which was now running as it should, so he stopped off at 'The Haywain', to take on supplies.

The bar was occupied by a few local worthies as is usual, and the chat was all about nothing in particular, so 'Q', in his usual generous way, offered them a drink while he started to tell them why he was there. Of course, they all listened, especially when they started on the various pints 'Q' had bought them, and it seemed a good time to listen to a story from someone with a big red car and a big wallet as well.

'Q' explained how his car had ground to a halt, and with a guilty smile on his face, kept them aghast about the 'voice' which told him to check the red capping piece.

The bar went quiet, as the assembled worthies digested this information, and one old boy in the corner piped up and said, "Were there two horses in the field where you stopped"?

'Q', of course, admitted that there were indeed two old chaps wandering round eating grass and one had been looking at him.

The old boy then said, "Was there a grey horse and a brown one in the field"?

'Q' agreed there were two horses, and one was brown; the other grey.

The old boy then said, "Which one was looking at you then"?

'Q' thought for a moment, and recalled that it was indeed the grey one which was peering at him, so he told the old boy.

The old chap then let out a huge snort and a bellow of laughter, and said, "I thought as much; it's just as well the brown one didn't see you, because he knows b****r all about cars..."!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mrs Bee on February 27, 2012, 13:16
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. ;)


 :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Auntiemogs on March 03, 2012, 16:13
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden."
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 03, 2012, 17:27
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies foreight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying b*****d. He's never been out of the garden."
 :lol:

I just love that story Mogs!

Excellent!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on March 03, 2012, 19:50
 :lol: :lol:so did I
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ESguy on March 04, 2012, 15:08
 :lol:

A man shopping in a big supermarket with his wife when they get separated. He goes up and down the aisles, round and round, can't see her anywhere. Starts to think she must've left the shop and gone home without him.
Then he sees a really beautiful young woman and goes to speak to her. "Excuse me, could I talk you you for a few minutes?"
"Um, I don't know" she says, "why?"
"I've lost my wife somewhere in the store, and whenever I talk to a beautiful woman she always appears out of nowhere"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on March 05, 2012, 20:22
Marriage is like a deck of cards:  You start off with two hearts and a diamond, end up wishing you had a club and a spade! :tongue2:

What's the difference between a marksman and a constipated owl?
One shoots and hits (the target), while the other........

Sorry, I'll put meself on the norty step... ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ESguy on March 05, 2012, 20:25
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 06, 2012, 08:35
There's another one like that:

What's the difference between a new-born baby and a seagull?

One flits across the shore.......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on March 06, 2012, 12:45
and a slightly cleaner one...

What's the difference between a church bell and a thief?

One peals from the steeple...

 ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on March 06, 2012, 19:08
what's the difference between pea soup and roast beef








Anyone can roast beef
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Auntiemogs on March 08, 2012, 21:01
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on March 08, 2012, 22:13
I tried salsa dancing this week. Didn't do very well- kept getting my foot stuck in the jar

 :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Auntiemogs on March 09, 2012, 00:23
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
 
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
 
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.  :lol:

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 09, 2012, 06:55
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
 
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
 
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
 
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.  :lol:

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.....


Excellent! Ha ha ha!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: SampsonBrass on March 16, 2012, 10:37
Why did the hippy scald his mouth?

Because he drank his coffeee before it was cool, man.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: tigerlil on March 16, 2012, 20:52
When we got married our minister said to my husband " Donnie, some days you will look at your wife and think you love her so much you could eat her, and other days you will wish you had???" :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on March 17, 2012, 18:11
Before the 2001 inauguration of George W Bush, he was invited to a 'get acquainted tour' of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!”

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: “I found out who pee'd in your saxophone.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on April 04, 2012, 18:28
i had to close my curiosity shop today due to infestation.

i found seventeen dead cats in there.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gwiz on April 04, 2012, 21:17
This girl I know has never ever had a boyfriend.
She has a face that looks just like an owl's.


Turns out that all the boys think she looks too-weird-to-woo.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 04, 2012, 23:13
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on April 05, 2012, 11:22
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c182/G4IAR/i-paid_lachvandedag-nl.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 05, 2012, 11:23
oh so true!  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: prakash_mib on April 10, 2012, 22:18
went down to allotment last week and somebody had put two inches of soil all over it. went there again last night and it had happened again.
The plot thickens
 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: prakash_mib on April 10, 2012, 22:32
sorry if you havent got the previous one.
this is good

I now pronounce you husband and wife. you may now update your facebook status and tweet.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: savbo on April 11, 2012, 14:21
went down to allotment last week and somebody had put two inches of soil all over it. went there again last night and it had happened again.
The plot thickens
 :)
worthy of Milton Jones!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on April 19, 2012, 15:46
Why do melons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.  Boom Boom!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on April 19, 2012, 15:47
New gardeners learn by by trowel and error.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on April 19, 2012, 15:52
Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.

ok this is the 3rd "funny" I have posted - time for another G & T - it's 5pm here in Spain so I am allowed - yes?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on April 19, 2012, 19:21
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

What are the jokes like before the G and T?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on April 20, 2012, 06:20
:lol: :lol: :lol:

What are the jokes like before the G and T?  ;)

"Can't remember"!!  LOL!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ray7 on April 22, 2012, 00:03
Not had time to read them all yet so I don`t know if this has been posted before.

An Australian Love Poem.

Who said Australians weren't romantic?


Of course I love ya darlin
You're a blooming top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word


So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs'on
And fetch another beer.

Ray
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on April 22, 2012, 08:24
A plane is on it's way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to first class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and will have to move back. The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co- pilot that there is a blonde bimbo in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co- pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Torono and I'm staying right here"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, " you say she is blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde".
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, the blonde replied, " oh I'm sorry", gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.
-
-
-
" I told her that first class is not going to Toronto"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: tallulah on April 23, 2012, 21:40
I laughed at this, against my natural inclination!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on April 26, 2012, 20:02
me, too!  :lol:


One out four people in this country is mentally unbalanced.  Think of your three closest friends. If they seem Ok, then you're the one!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on April 26, 2012, 21:35
Most of my friends and relatives are crackers..does that mean that I am normal?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on April 27, 2012, 08:11
It might just mean what you think is "normal" is not.  :D :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 29, 2012, 06:31
It might just mean what you think is "normal" is not.  :D :lol:

You're just being 'normalist' Lilacs...

Nothing wrong with being normal...;0)

It's 'Nermil' who worries me...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on April 29, 2012, 08:26
It might just mean what you think is "normal" is not.  :D :lol:

You're just being 'normalist' Lilacs...

Nothing wrong with being normal...;0)

It's 'Nermil' who worries me...

And what is wrong with coming from the Black Country? any brummy knows nermil is normal.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on April 29, 2012, 09:50
 While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,


While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 01, 2012, 10:25
Not a joke as such, but if you still can't get out to your plot/garden, and have at some time enjoyed the "Engrish" translations of Greek menus nearly as much as the food, here is a site which will hopefully amuse for at least a few minutes:

http://www.engrish.com/category/engrish-from-other-countries/page/4/
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on May 01, 2012, 10:37
A plane is on it's way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy gets up and moves to first class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket, then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and will have to move back. The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co- pilot that there is a blonde bimbo in first class, that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co- pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Torono and I'm staying right here"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman, who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, " you say she is blonde?, I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde".
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, the blonde replied, " oh I'm sorry", gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked the pilot what he said to make her move without any fuss.
-
-
-
" I told her that first class is not going to Toronto"

being an ex blonde I had to chuckle quite loudly at this one :D


edit to fix quote
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 01, 2012, 21:05
Mrs Digger and I had words.

I didn't get to use mine. :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on May 03, 2012, 22:39
Paddy buys a chainsaw which guarantees to cut down 40 trees an hour.

Paddy sets to work but only cuts 20 in the hour so he decides to take the chainsaw back to the shop and complain.

He explains his frustration and the fact that he's not been able to cut down the guaranteed number of trees within the time so the shop owner starts checking the machine over.

After inspecting it for some time he starts it up, at which point Paddy nearly falls over with shock shouting "What the heck is that noise???"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: A Reyt Tayty on May 07, 2012, 20:15
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on May 09, 2012, 17:58
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Some years ago I told this joke to an sparkie/customer, but alterd slightly as we were both based in Scarborough,  so that where I set it. He was not amused and told me of the time when he was working in a large house, just outside of the town. The client had to pop out an left STRICT instructions that no-one was to go in a certain room.
Being nosy, the 2 sparkies ventured a peek. Easing the door open they both popped their heads around the door, to be met by the stare of a pair of very large, brown eyes.
The custumer had a FULLY GROWN, MALE LION, AS A PET !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: A Reyt Tayty on May 09, 2012, 19:38
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Some years ago I told this joke to an sparkie/customer, but alterd slightly as we were both based in Scarborough,  so that where I set it. He was not amused and told me of the time when he was working in a large house, just outside of the town. The client had to pop out an left STRICT instructions that no-one was to go in a certain room.
Being nosy, the 2 sparkies ventured a peek. Easing the door open they both popped their heads around the door, to be met by the stare of a pair of very large, brown eyes.
The custumer had a FULLY GROWN, MALE LION, AS A PET !


Ah, these were two females. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: RuthLG on May 09, 2012, 19:54
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Erm... I dont get it  :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on May 09, 2012, 20:00
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Erm... I dont get it  :(

I was about to say the same thing!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 09, 2012, 20:17
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Erm... I dont get it  :(

I was about to say the same thing!

Good one.
Do you think the beach would be busy if there were two wild lions walking down it?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on May 09, 2012, 20:19
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Erm... I dont get it  :(

I was about to say the same thing!

Good one.
Do you think the beach would be busy if there were two wild lions walking down it?

Ah thank you! I get it now, and it really is very funny!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: RuthLG on May 09, 2012, 20:21
Saw two lions walking down the sea front at Blackpool today. One turned to the other and said, "It's quiet today to say it's a bank holiday".

Erm... I dont get it  :(

I was about to say the same thing!

Good one.
Do you think the beach would be busy if there were two wild lions walking down it?

Aahhh, thank you - penny now dropped  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 10, 2012, 09:39
reminds me of this one:

Two grains of sand on a beach, one says to the other 'Busy here, isn't it?'  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fatcat1955 on May 25, 2012, 09:34
I am surrounded by preserved vegetables in jar's. It's like picalilli circus in here.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fatcat1955 on May 25, 2012, 09:37
Bought one of those Bonnie Tyler sat nav's for the car. It keeps tellimg me to Turn around and Every now and then it falls apart.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 25, 2012, 10:55
Bought one of those Bonnie Tyler sat nav's for the car. It keeps tellimg me to Turn around and Every now and then it falls apart.
You're four months too late with this one. :tongue2: ;)

http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=52701.msg985938#msg985938
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on May 25, 2012, 19:29
Bought one of those Bonnie Tyler sat nav's for the car. It keeps tellimg me to Turn around and Every now and then it falls apart.
You're four months too late with this one. :tongue2: ;)

http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=52701.msg985938#msg985938

Still funny, though :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ice on May 25, 2012, 19:31

Still funny, though :lol:
I know, that's why I posted it. :tongue2: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: angelavdavis on May 30, 2012, 17:45
Went to the allotment last week with the kids and as we struggled to find a space for the car, my four year old announced "Oh no Mummy, it's chocolate blocks here!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on May 30, 2012, 19:18
Mmm!! :nowink:

At least the chocky blocks will melt in the heat.....and you can find a space!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on June 11, 2012, 13:20
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking
on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door....

Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
 
The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray,
begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

John , paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door to the pub flew open, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.

They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
 
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....


 Look Paddy....there's that  idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: savbo on June 11, 2012, 16:54
remember seeing this in the news...a few years ago a Good samaritan helped some young lads in Northern ireland pushing a car up hill along a country road... they got it to a downhill and jumped in, thanking him, and he went on his way...

day or two later he found out they'd nicked it but couldn't hot wire it

sav
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on June 11, 2012, 22:35
The England team visited an orphanage in Poland today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope" said Piotr, aged 6.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on June 12, 2012, 13:34
The royal corgis are overjoyed that Prince Phillip has come home from hospital.


At least they won't get blamed for peeing on the sofa now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on June 13, 2012, 22:07
There has been uproar in the Irish Olympic synchronized swimming team when paddy accused mick of copying him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on June 22, 2012, 05:54
What do you call nuts on a wall?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 22, 2012, 08:17
What do you call nuts on a wall?

climbers!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 22, 2012, 08:51
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 22, 2012, 11:35
What do you call nuts on a wall?

"Nuuuuuuts, are you up there..."?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on June 22, 2012, 14:37
What do you call nuts on a wall?

climbers!

nope!  walnuts!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on June 23, 2012, 06:42
On arrival in Australia, an englishman was asked by emigration officer if he had a criminal record.  To which he replied, I didn't  know it was still a requirement.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 23, 2012, 13:09
The CRB people  asked me if I had a police record.

Told them I had 'message in a bottle'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 23, 2012, 13:15
A trip down the Goon's memory lane..........
Neddy Seagoon explaining the Theory of Gravity to Eccles:
If you jump up in the air - what happens next?
....der...um ... der... I come down again.
Why?
....because I live here!!!!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on June 24, 2012, 01:05
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.

The instructions were:

The short story must contain the following three things:



Below is the only A+ graded short story in the entire class:

“Good God, I’m pregnant; I wonder who did it?”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Auntiemogs on June 24, 2012, 01:11
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pigeonpie on June 24, 2012, 11:11
Ha ha, brilliant!!!   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 12, 2012, 16:11
What does a *******man call his pet zebra?....Spot! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 12, 2012, 21:53
A chap rang up the BMW car dealership to complain bitterly about his new car.

Said "I've had BMWs  for years and always loved them.  THis time for the first time, instead of manual gearbox, the company have given me an automatic.  It is rubbish - an absolute crock!"

Well, the BMW person made all the sympathetic noises, established that the car in question was a 320i with  a petrol engine, and asked for the details of what was so bad.

The chap repeated that in his opinion it was utter rubbish, and added, "It works fine during the day, but simply does not work at night!"

THe BMW person was rather taken aback and asked for further details - particularly what he meant by this bizarre claim that it would work in the day but not at night.

"It;s like this,"  the bloke explained.   "I get into the car in the day, put the automatic gear selector to 'D' for day mode and everything is fine.  When I get in at night and set it to the 'N' for night mode, it just doesn't go anywhere!"

THe BMW person was having to bite his lip, but when he eventually had regained control of himself, before he could speak the customer started again.

"And there's more, more trouble thanks to this useless car with it's rubbish automatic gearbox!   This morning I was stopped at the lights and this chap in a porsche pulled up next to me, revved his engine loudly and clearly wanted to race.   So as the lights went green I selected the racing mode, 'R', and put my foot down.......  and the bloke from the white van behind me got out and punched me!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on July 12, 2012, 21:57
Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the chickens' day off.

From the children!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on July 12, 2012, 22:02
What does a *******man call his pet zebra?....Spot! :lol:

I thought that was the name of the invisible dog.. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on July 13, 2012, 21:24


                        An Aussie Story
    A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
    halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his
    money.

    He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education
    is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will
    teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

    'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

    'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll
    get him in the course.'

    So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
    The boy calls home.
    'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

    'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe
    this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
    teach the animals how to read.'

    'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
    that program?'

    'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

    At the end of the year,  his father will find out the dog can neither
    talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
    'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
    something!'

    'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
    before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
    back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly
    turned to me and asked,  "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little
    redhead barmaid at the pub?''

    The father groans and whispers,  'I hope you shot him before
    he talks to your Mother!'

    'I sure did, Dad!'

    'That's my boy!'

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and politician!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 14, 2012, 14:12
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 15, 2012, 04:07
Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless Man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,
I got lost and,
being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
Tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on July 15, 2012, 20:27
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: nice one!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 16, 2012, 01:35
Love it Trilliam.

And this man never gets lost just enjoys the more scenic route.
(Yea...right.)  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: angelavdavis on July 16, 2012, 20:54
Thanks for that one Trillium, the first thing to make me laugh at the end of a very dull day! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 16, 2012, 21:21
Excellent Trills!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 16, 2012, 21:25
Overheard at a recent agricultural gathering...

Wealthy farmer : - "We practice four year rotation here, it makes us a fortune"!

Reporter on local rag : - "Four years seems quite a long time, what do you do"?

Wealthy farmer : - "Year one - rock concert, year two - county show, year three - boot fair, and year four, we grow something or other in the mud, damned if I can remember what it is..."!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 18, 2012, 14:34
What does a *******man call his pet zebra?....Spot! :lol:

I thought that was the name of the invisible dog.. ;)
What dog? Where is it?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on July 18, 2012, 18:52
a big row has broken out in the irish synchronised swimming team,after paddy accused mick of copying him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on July 18, 2012, 19:32
Just seen this headline on the BBC website -

Rise in women having babies over 40    :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:

(Must have quite a lot of stretch marks after that long a gestation! :wacko:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 20, 2012, 13:54
Not just a load of hot air then!!! :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: martingibson on July 24, 2012, 14:16
How many G4S employees does it take to change a lightbulb?


3 soldiers and a policeman
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 24, 2012, 14:39
 :tongue2: ;) 8) :mad:
How many psychiatrists does it need to change a light bulb? Only one....but....the light bulb has to WANT to change!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 24, 2012, 16:42
How many mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh, you get off, go on out with your fancy friends.  Don't you worry about me.  I'll be all right here.  On my own.   In the dark....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on July 24, 2012, 19:12
how many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

fish
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 24, 2012, 22:18
how many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

fish

Naaah, you forgot the bath tub....

Paaaah!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 25, 2012, 08:25
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to put on the clean nappy and one to put in the safety pins.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 25, 2012, 08:30
How may Bletchley Park cryptologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

ejjdd wxshf iuyw9 hvmer awmio jhsdf
ufnvs qkzzp uyste wuhvu cxrwc  ppqpx
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fred-quimby on July 25, 2012, 08:52
How many teenagers does it take to change a light bulb?

1- they hold the light bulb and let the world revolve around them.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on July 25, 2012, 09:11
How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well, they wont - changing lightbulbs is a hardware issue.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on July 25, 2012, 09:44
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

one thank you very much.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 25, 2012, 09:48
how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

one thank you very much.

That's not a joke - tis true  ;)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on July 26, 2012, 11:26
Wives don't forget old boyfriends!

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor living it large-breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 26, 2012, 12:14
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb.........one to decide it has stopped working, one to form a committee to decide when to change it, one to send out a tender for the best price, one to write an order for the new one. one to send it back as it is the wrong fitting, one to organise a qualified electrician to replace it, one to officially receive said light bulb, one to recall the electrician as he had been given the wrong date before, one to supervise the replacement, one to check it had been replaced, one to complete the "light bulb"replacement form and .............. one to send a letter a week later stating they will be installing fluorescent lights the next day.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 28, 2012, 02:33
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb.........one to decide it has stopped working, one to form a committee to decide when to change it, one to send out a tender for the best price, one to write an order for the new one. one to send it back as it is the wrong fitting, one to organise a qualified electrician to replace it, one to officially receive said light bulb, one to recall the electrician as he had been given the wrong date before, one to supervise the replacement, one to check it had been replaced, one to complete the "light bulb"replacement form and .............. one to send a letter a week later stating they will be installing fluorescent lights the next day.

Sounds like many a place I know  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on July 28, 2012, 02:34
Wives don't forget old boyfriends!

Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor living it large-breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he
proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 05, 2012, 17:09
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on August 07, 2012, 21:23
After a big row a husband turns to his wife and says 'I was a fool when I married you'

She replies ' Yes I know, but I was in love and didn't notice'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on August 08, 2012, 08:31
After a big row a husband turns to his wife and says 'I was a fool when I married you'

She replies ' Yes I know, but I was in love and didn't notice'

That brought back happy memories and made me smile New Shoot - if something silly happened in our house my mum and dad used to use those quips. And on 1 April - their wedding anniversary.  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: angelavdavis on August 12, 2012, 11:17
My 3 year old son is currently going through his challenging over food phase.  Picture the scene at dinner, tucking into a lovely salad from the allotment:

D aged 3 holds up a halved tomato from his plate "Mummy this is yucky."

I reply, "It's a tomato which you helped me pick from the allotment and it's yummy".

Shakes his head violently "No, that isn't a tomato and it isn't yummy".

[Here we go again] "Yes baby, its a tomato and its yummy".

"No Mummy, tomatoes don't look like this."

Then, piecing two halves together, he proudly holds it up and announces "THIS is what a tomato looks like!"

Then he puts the two halves into his mouth, smiles and announces "THAT is a yummy tomato. Mmmm"!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 12, 2012, 11:22
Sooooo typical  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on August 12, 2012, 20:43
Yesterday it was our garden clubs annual show,I was part of the team booking in the exhibitors  & their exhibits.
picture this, I was working with a retired lady, when a small girl came with her form to enter. I asked her how old she was & she told me 8 nearly 9. I told her I would have to write 8 down, my co worker said "older than us". The 8 yr old said as quick as a wink " I said 8 not 80". I almost fell off my chair laughing, co worker was not as amused until I pointed out she'd left herself wide open for that. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 13, 2012, 08:32
Many. many moons ago.  After a nastly but mercifully short chimney-toppling and tile-stealing storm had swept over the village in which I grew up, Mum (who was very caring) sent my slightly older sister along the lane to "check how old Mrs McGrigor is after that bad weather".   

Sister duly trotted off and returned five minutes later to report that "Mrs McGrigor says it's none of your *ruddy* business how old she is either before or after the bad weather...."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on August 13, 2012, 09:33
I often smile when I remember the day my daughter came home from school, a few days before the summer holidays and announced,  we are cracking up an Thursday!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on August 13, 2012, 09:36
I often smile when I remember the day my daughter came home from school, a few days before the summer holidays and announced,  we are cracking up an Thursday!

More likely the teachers cracking up  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 13, 2012, 20:25

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 13, 2012, 23:06
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on August 14, 2012, 00:53
Many. many moons ago.  After a nastly but mercifully short chimney-toppling and tile-stealing storm had swept over the village in which I grew up, Mum (who was very caring) sent my slightly older sister along the lane to "check how old Mrs McGrigor is after that bad weather".   

Sister duly trotted off and returned five minutes later to report that "Mrs McGrigor says it's none of your *ruddy* business how old she is either before or after the bad weather...."

You can always rely upon the young and the old to get things puddled mup!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 14, 2012, 12:20
A little boy was waiting with his mother in a bus queue. Next to them was an expectant mum. After contemplating her for a while, the boy turned to his mum and said "Look Mummy, that lady's stagnant!"  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on August 17, 2012, 08:49
I went to a Chinese restaurant the other day and a duck came up to me with a rose and told me I had the most beautiful eyes in the world, so I called the waiter over and said "I asked for aromatic duck".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 17, 2012, 20:18
 Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fatcat1955 on August 17, 2012, 21:18
Me and the wife went to this new Indian restaurant last night and shared a pelican curry. It was very nice but the bill was massive.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 18, 2012, 07:29
Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three. ;)
sorry dont know how that happened mut have had a senior moment ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on August 18, 2012, 08:52
Grandad was fastening his little grandson in the back seat of the car when the boy noticed the window button on the door.
He asked his grandad what they were for.
Grandad replied "don't touch that or the roof will open and you will be shot out into outer space!"
Grandad got into the driving seat, and a few minutes later heard a little voice from the back seat "Grandad..it doesn't work"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on August 18, 2012, 15:46
Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three. ;)
sorry dont know how that happened mut have had a senior moment ::) ::)

Mutt is spelt with two T's Duglass  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 18, 2012, 20:03
Medical examination...

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & blood pressure

Are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.....

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No!  Just show me your tongue."

Edit: one rendition is plenty, don't need three. ;)
sorry dont know how that happened mut have had a senior moment ::) ::)

Mutt is spelt with two T's Duglass  :lol: :lol:
Must agrree but there should have been an (s) in there another senior moment :ohmy: :ohmy:


Fix quoted text.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 18, 2012, 21:15
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
 
 
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them.
 
 
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
 
 
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
 
 
They shook their heads and looked at each other. very confused..
 
 
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
 
 
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
 
 
The worker yelled back,
"'Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on August 19, 2012, 09:56
If you don't follow football, this won't mean anything to you I'm afraid!

Van Persie has transferred from Arsenal to Man Utd, and he has written a book about his time at Arsenal. However, it doesn't have a title!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on August 19, 2012, 10:04
During the summer holidays a little girl is "helping" the builders next door to build an extension. Her mother is rightly concerned that her daughter is getting in the way.

However, the following Monday the little girl comes home for dinner, sporting a pink safety helmet, My Little Pony wellington boots and a pair of gloves, all of which have been donated by the builders. And at the end of the week she comes home with a little envelope.

"What's in that envelope?" asks mummy.

"It's my pay-packet," says the little girl, and opens it to reveal £5 that the lads have given her, complete with a little pretend pay-slip.

Mummy smiles proudly. "How wonderful," she says. "And are you working again next week darling?"

"Mmmm . . ." says the little girl. "I'm not sure yet. It depends if those lazy b******s from Jewsons deliver the f******g bricks or not!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 19, 2012, 15:18
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted  "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost.. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on August 19, 2012, 18:11
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 20, 2012, 08:13
and another one for engineers:

Optimist:  "This glass is half full..."
Pessimist : "This glass is half empty...."
Engineer: "This glass is the wrong size.."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 20, 2012, 11:22
I just met an athlete near the Olympic Park.

I asked "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"

He said "No, I'm German..........and how do you know my name?"

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 20, 2012, 13:52
I'd been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it kept asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show .....  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 20, 2012, 20:55
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I  went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on August 23, 2012, 22:35
FOR SALE! Complete set of encyclopedias! Don't need them anymore as wife knows everything!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 23, 2012, 23:21
THE PERFECT HUSBAND                                                     
                                                                           
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A mobile phone on a  bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins  to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.                     
                                                                           
MAN:  "Hello"                                                         
                                                                           
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"                       
                                                                         
MAN: "Yes."         
                                                                   
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"                                 
                                                                           
MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."                         
                                                                                       
WOMAN:  "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."                                               
                                                                           
MAN:  "How much?"     ;                                                   
                                                                           
WOMAN:  "$90,000."                                           
                                                                         
MAN:  "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."           
                                                                           
WOMAN:  "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found
out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$980,000 for it."                                         
                                                                           
MAN:  "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."                                                   
                                                                           
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"                   
                                                                           
MAN:  "Bye! I love you, too."                                         
                                                                           
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.                                           
                                                                           
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on August 24, 2012, 06:17
FOR SALE! Complete set of encyclopedias! Don't need them anymore as wife knows everything!

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on August 25, 2012, 15:48
A burglar has just broken into a house and is creeping round when he hears a voice saying 'Beware Jesus watches you'.  He freezes, but nothing happens, so he creeps towards the next room, when he hears it again. 'Beware Jesus watches you'.

Completely freaked out he snaps on his torch and shines it round the room to find a parrot in a cage blinking back at him through the torch beam.  The burglar heaves a sigh of relief, goes over to the cage and says 'What's your name then?'  The parrot replies 'Coco'.  The burglar laughs and says 'That's a stupid name for a parrot to have'.  The parrot looks him straight in the eye and says 'Its not as stupid as naming your pitbull Jesus'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 26, 2012, 14:22
Burglars beware!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Wish it were true! :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on August 26, 2012, 23:20
The Armstrong family have announced it was Neil's wish to have his ashes scattered at the place where he made history.

"I don't even think we still have that set," a spokesman from MGM studios said.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on August 27, 2012, 00:59
The Armstrong family have announced it was Neil's wish to have his ashes scattered at the place where he made history.

"I don't even think we still have that set," a spokesman from MGM studios said.

That is VERY naughty and only a LITTLE bit funny  !

I hope nobody needs it explaining!

regards
Jon
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 27, 2012, 07:00
Meanwhile back to the jokes ::)

The Lie Detector
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?" "I was at the library."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits. "Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie: Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"
 The robot slaps the mother.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on August 27, 2012, 08:37
A man knocks on a door, and it is answered by a young boy wearing a wig, stockings and suspenders, high-heels and make-up.

"Hello, sonny!" says the man. "Is your mum in?"

The young boy answers: "Does it look like it?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on August 27, 2012, 20:55

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

 
The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old * what his name is.' 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: lacewing on August 27, 2012, 22:02
  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: angelavdavis on August 31, 2012, 20:24
Well, everyone in Essex can breathe now, as we have found the Essex wildcat in our children's wardrobe this morning.  My 3 year old shouted "Mum!" and I came running.

I asked the wildcat what it was doing in their wardrobe and he replied "Narnia business!"

 ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on August 31, 2012, 20:49
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on September 14, 2012, 13:25
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and the first thing he notices is that the sand on the beach is purple.

He looks up and sees that the trees at the edge of the beach are also purple.

He looks up further and sees the mountains in the distance are also purple.

"Oh my God!" he says "I've been marooned!"

   





. . . and a little purple man ran up and pushed him back in the water, shouting "In di go!"


Taxi.........................  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 14, 2012, 20:00
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Friday night and this is all we get?? It's about all we're fit for! ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on September 14, 2012, 23:05
Last night I watched a Japanese football match. At the end, they all started doing marshal arts on each other. Apparently it was two minutes ninjery time.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on September 15, 2012, 01:18
Last night I watched a Japanese football match. At the end, they all started doing marshal arts on each other. Apparently it was two minutes ninjery time.  ;)

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on September 15, 2012, 13:03
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
 me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on September 22, 2012, 16:07
 
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
 
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
 
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
 
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
 
' BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'

WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...

(. . . Wait for it ...)


'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 22, 2012, 17:22
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on September 24, 2012, 09:14
THE RAISE

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?
Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on September 24, 2012, 14:44
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat Shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
 me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...

As a blonde, I would have told him to go to a launderette in Liverpool!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 28, 2012, 01:45
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a homecooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on September 28, 2012, 01:51
These puns are groaners, so read at your own peril.  :D

 
I changed my iPod name to Titanic, it's syncing now.

I tried to catch some fog, I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns, It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 28, 2012, 19:56
Oh thanks, Trillium!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on September 28, 2012, 20:28
A man was bought into caualty with suspected concussion
asked what hapend he said iwas speaking on speakers corner whe someone threw a tomato at me.
the nurse said tomatoes would not give you concussion
yes I know but this one came wrapped in a tin
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Jamie Butterworth on September 29, 2012, 21:46
When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a womans body. However, that all changed when i was born.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on September 30, 2012, 11:57
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what hit it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: plum crumble on October 02, 2012, 14:52
 :( my pet mouse ELVIS has just died

seems he was Caught in a Trap
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: NorthEast Old Newbie on October 06, 2012, 20:21

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
 
 Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.   :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on October 07, 2012, 17:01
'I think my wife's going deaf,' said the man to the doctor.

'What makes you think that?' asks the doctor.

'She doesn't seem to answer my questions.'

'How deaf do you think she is?'

'I'm not sure to be honest.'

'Okay,' says the doctor. 'Go home, and from a distance away, ask her a simple question. If she doesn't answer, go a bit closer and try again with the same question. Keep going closer until she answers you, and then come back and tell me how far away from her you were when she eventually answered you.'

The man goes home, and, from the hallway, sees his wife in the kitchen standing by the sink with her back to him. 'What's for dinner, love?' he asks.

There's no answer, so he moves a bit closer and tries again,

Still no answer.

He moves closer and closer until he eventually finds himself directly behind her. 'What's for dinner, love?' he asks again.

'Will you stop blooming shouting,' she replies. 'I've already told you a dozen times!'

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on October 07, 2012, 19:41
:( my pet mouse ELVIS has just died

seems he was Caught in a Trap

Groan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Auntiemogs on October 07, 2012, 21:45
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you." The grasshopper says, "Bob?"  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on October 07, 2012, 23:41
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you." The grasshopper says, "Bob?"  ::)

 :lol: Oh go on.... hop it!!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on October 11, 2012, 18:45
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the lane, when Paddy spots a metal box in the ditch. He climbs down to investigate, opening the lid. "Oi Murphy," he says. "There are three hand-grenades in this box!"

"Are they live ones?" asks Murphy.

"Aye; they're live alright. What are we going to do with them?"

"We'll have to take them to the police station."

"But what happens if one of them explodes while we're on the way there?"

"Ah, don't worry about that. We'll just say there were only two there in the first place."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on October 13, 2012, 21:45
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - PENSIONERS VERSION

The heat from the fire was comforting as the three electric bars glowed brightly in their metal cage. Nora peeked across the room over the rim of her Reader's Digest. Gerald was snoring lightly, with his half-moon spectacles balanced on the end of his nose, a thin ribbon of drool sliding down his chin onto the edge of his striped pyjamas. His half-read newspaper had fallen to the floor, and the cat had curled up on top of the unfinished cricket scores.

She closed her book, turning over the corner of the page she had been reading so as not to lose the article on herbaceous borders, and placed it down next to her half–drunk Horlicks. Nora slid out of her chair, and grabbed the armrest. Carefully kicking off her sheepskin slippers and, sliding her wheeled table out of the way, she hitched up her velvet dressing gown and padded towards him.

She slid her hand under his pyjama top, rubbing his arm gently. He smacked his lips together, as though he could taste the cod in parsley sauce they had for supper. His eyes flickered open and he squinted at the light and the looming shadow in front of him. Gerald could see she wanted him to follow her.

He took off his glasses and placed them on the coffee table as he rose out of his chair, his knees and back cracking as he straightened up. She reached forward and grabbed the long-shaft of his walking stick, gnarled and rough, and placed it in his hand.

Nora began to negotiate the stairs, gripping the banister, the light from the landing highlighting grey roots in her blue rinse. Gerald could hardly wait to get to bed; he settled onto the green padded cushion of his Stannah stair lift and flicked the button, slowly ascending towards her waddling behind as she stumbled up the last two steps. Nora padded into the bathroom as Gerald sank down on the edge of the double divan. She returned after a few moments, passing Gerald a cold and cloudy glass of tap water into which he dropped his teeth with a quiet splash. She placed her own glass onto the bedside table and removed her top denture, dropping it into the glass and adding the cleaning tablet with a plop and a fizz. Gerald had already slid under the 15-tog duvet and was smoothing out the wrinkles on his V-pillow. Nora slipped her shoulders out of her gown and placed it next to the commode, then slid under the paisley polyester, her hand brushing Gerald’s as she fumbled for the TV remote. Gerald gripped the handrail as he slid open the drawer under the dimly lit touch lamp and pulled out a blister pack of Viagra, his face falling as he realised it was empty. He could’ve sworn there were a couple left. Nora smiled to herself as she pressed the remote and the TV flickered into life on the opening credits of Question Time.

She sank back into the memory foam pillow and her eyes glinted happily knowing that Gerald would not be able to get another doctor’s appointment until late next week and that the little blue pills dissolving in the U-bend of the toilet would be completely gone by the morning.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on October 13, 2012, 22:01
Dabhand,  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: was that all your own work?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on October 13, 2012, 22:16
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on October 27, 2012, 16:33
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?'persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan..

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man replied calmly,'Been married to your sister for 48 years... '

 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on October 30, 2012, 22:17
Heard from fellow dog-walker  :tongue2:

How are you?

Well I woke up this morning, so not so bad..... My wife was disappointed. :(

She said, "Oh God". So I said, "Don't call me that - it's blasphemous"   :ohmy: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on November 01, 2012, 13:30
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MegC1991 on November 01, 2012, 14:54
Three elderly gentleman are sat in church, when suddenly God appears in front of them. He says,

"Gentlemen, you've been loyal to me and the church throughout your lives, and as a reward, you can ask me one question each."

Being big football fans, the first man asks, "Will I be alive next time Liverpool win the Premier League?"

"Afraid not", replies God.

The second man asks, "Will I be alive next time England win a major tournament?"

"Afraid not", replies God.

The third man thinks, then asks, "Will I be alive next time Aston Villa win a trophy?"

"Blinking hell, I'll be dead by then!", says God.

:D

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Hold it underwater until it's Bill Withers!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on November 01, 2012, 16:13


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Hold it underwater until it's Bill Withers!
[/quote]

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: angelavdavis on November 02, 2012, 22:45
I saw this posted in a comment following the story of a foul mouthed parrot needing a home and have shamelessly stolen it for our benefit (with some tweaks):

A woman sees a beautiful Amazonian parrot in the window of a pet shop and enquires if it was for sale.

"Yes" says the pet shop owner, "the price tag is £20".

"You're kidding, for such a beautiful bird, that is a complete bargain, I will take it".

"Well, I should warn you that it is priced at this price because it used to live in a brothel and has picked up some colourful language".  Said the shop owner.

"No matter, I can't resist such a beautiful bird" said the woman, so she took the bird home.

So, the bird was set up in pride of place in the lounge and very pleased he was too with his new home "Nice, new premises, I like it"  He said.

Then, the woman's two daughters arrive home and are introduced to the parrot "Good, new girls - marvellous",  says the parrot.

Then, the woman's husband arrives home.

"Hello Keith, you'll be relieved to know we've upgraded!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 04, 2012, 02:27
I thought you might appreciate this.......then I forgot who I was sending it to.  ::)


While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.  The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, " While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

 
This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by
remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.
I have now done MY part.  ;)




Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 04, 2012, 22:42
How to wash a cat.

1, Put both lids of toilet up & add 1/8th cup of pet shampoo to water in bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him as you carry him into bathroom.

3, In 1 smooth movement put cat in toilet, & very quickly close both lids, you may find that
you have to stand on lid.

4, At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Ignore the sounds coming from within the bowl, it's only the cat enjoying himself

5, Now flush the toilet 3 times, this provides a power-wash & rinse.

6, Have someone open front door of your house & be sure that there is nobody between bathroom and frontdoor.

7, Stand as far behind the toilet as possible & lift the lid quickly.

8, The cat will rocket out of the toilet bowl, streak downstairs and outside where he will dry himself.

9, Both the toilet bowl & the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours sincerely,

Butch, the dog.


 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on November 05, 2012, 19:46
These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club  registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound..
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.                       
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GTFC197 on November 06, 2012, 10:10
Talking about equality of sexes.


Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
 
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back

"Pour some luke warm water over it."
 
Wife texts back:

"Computer completely ruined now."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 06, 2012, 10:17
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

That's modern communication for you!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 07, 2012, 12:20
Q. - What do you call a chicken in a white shell-suit?

A. - An egg...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 07, 2012, 12:31
Q. - What do you call a chicken in a white shell-suit?

A. - An egg...

 ::)

 :lol:

 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 07, 2012, 19:22
Interesting signs found at various locations:

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 08, 2012, 07:37
Marvellous Trills!

Best laugh this morning so far!

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 08, 2012, 07:42
Trills and Arugula, this is still a favourite for PC buffs...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 08, 2012, 07:46
...this is still a favourite for PC buffs...

:D Would you believe, I've never seen that variation before. ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 08, 2012, 11:52
Here's another one, dreamt up by Daught...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 08, 2012, 12:52
Here's another one, dreamt up by Daught...

Just like some real Windows popups, sometimes the right answer just isn't an option!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 08, 2012, 13:34
Positively the last one Arugula...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on November 08, 2012, 13:38
Positively the last one Arugula...

Ah yes, I think many have been there! :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on November 11, 2012, 15:43
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c182/G4IAR/Untitled-21.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on November 11, 2012, 17:19

 
Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you  spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I  am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand......
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this  kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 12, 2012, 19:23
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c182/G4IAR/Untitled-21.jpg)

Love it DD!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on November 12, 2012, 20:14
A daily prayer

Dear Lord,

     So far today am I doing alright?  I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty or selfish or self indulgent.  I have not whined, complianed, argued or eaten any chocolate.  I have charged nothing on my credit card.

     I will be getting out of bed in a minute and really think I will need your help then!


My aplogies to anyone who finds this offensive but I thought it was amusing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on November 16, 2012, 19:05
Sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered --

'THE TEETH.'

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 16, 2012, 19:17
uber-gross!!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 17, 2012, 20:23
U.S.Recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.

And, finally....

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 18, 2012, 07:19
Aaaaaw, that's fabulous Trills, can I use it somewhere else please?

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 18, 2012, 15:03
 :D You sure can.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 18, 2012, 18:24

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.


Killer!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 18, 2012, 18:57

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them
I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.


Killer!  :lol: :lol: :lol:

deffo would be if she drove for them  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on November 18, 2012, 21:00
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 20, 2012, 15:31
OK, not really a joke as such, but.................

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-UoCBk1FzXtM/UKueVPHXqMI/AAAAAAAABgg/BnSlxTel94A/s800/untitled2.jpg)

(https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-zJx0QXKUGTc/UKueVJv0m6I/AAAAAAAABgc/CkExGdlfkts/s800/untitled1.jpg)

(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-KQVV9E3PMo0/UKueVHc-gGI/AAAAAAAABgY/1ELwFj31wm4/s800/untitled3.jpg)




For sale - one bleedin' useless cat!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on November 20, 2012, 17:54
Hope it's not one of yours JayG
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on November 20, 2012, 19:05
Awww! Loverly....Can my terrier join in, please?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on November 20, 2012, 19:22
Awww! Loverly....Can my terrier join in, please?


 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 20, 2012, 20:13
Awww! Loverly....Can my terrier join in, please?

If the pics are anything to go by that rat could talk any traditional enemy into submission, so I'm sure that terriers would be more than welcome!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 20, 2012, 23:38
Don't worry - our late and missed Claudipus actually ran out of the house in terror at a mouse one of the others brought in.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 21, 2012, 08:56
Don't worry - our late and missed Claudipus actually ran out of the house in terror at a mouse one of the others brought in.

No worries, not my cat (although it's clearly such a good natured puss I wouldn't mind if it was!)  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on November 21, 2012, 09:01
OK, not really a joke as such, but.................

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-UoCBk1FzXtM/UKueVPHXqMI/AAAAAAAABgg/BnSlxTel94A/s800/untitled2.jpg)Hello how are you today(https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-zJx0QXKUGTc/UKueVJv0m6I/AAAAAAAABgc/CkExGdlfkts/s800/untitled1.jpg) not very well a bit under the weather(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-KQVV9E3PMo0/UKueVHc-gGI/AAAAAAAABgY/1ELwFj31wm4/s800/untitled3.jpg) is that better.?  
sorry to pinch your post  














For sale - one bleedin' useless cat!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 30, 2012, 17:53
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal pat down.


I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.


Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

 
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them . His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right.

The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off" !!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this police officer I didn't steal your car."



Yep it's the golden years...............

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on December 04, 2012, 18:37
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 09, 2012, 17:39
Sorry if this offends, but it made I larf.....


Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got Alzheimers
This little piggy went to market.... :blink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sarajane on December 09, 2012, 23:31
IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1)You can't count your hair.
2)You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3)You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.



andwhen did you take up mind reading   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 14, 2012, 10:56
Seems like not everyone loves their neighbour nor has the same taste in Christmas decorations!  :D

(https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-XlF_2v4ulvY/UMsE1X5AhKI/AAAAAAAABhE/vFsODj6puJY/s800/Christmas%2520house%2520lights%2521.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on December 14, 2012, 19:21
What a miserable so-and-so!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 15, 2012, 11:42
What a miserable so-and-so!

Probably an environmentalist thinking of our global foot-print.

Now that is a joke!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on December 16, 2012, 09:04
What a miserable so-and-so!

Probably an environmentalist thinking of our global foot-print.

Now that is a joke!  ::)
saw a programme on chanel four last night  Around the world in 60 minuets

Now that did put things into prospective, got me uneasy about what we are doing to the planet :( :( sorry tried to put it as another post (failed Miserably) ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 16, 2012, 12:58
Read with caution.... it's worrying when you stop to think what we think children say.  ;)

What Is Couple Sex?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

 
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she 's old enough to know to ask the question, then she 's old enough to get a straight answer.   Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

 
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

 
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
 
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 17, 2012, 10:50
always thought 'sex' what what Kensington people have their coal delivered in....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on December 17, 2012, 18:14
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
 
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
 
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
 
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
 
"That's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Wychwood on December 18, 2012, 22:45



Another heartwarming Christmas fable

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre -Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into
hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: GrannieAnnie on December 18, 2012, 22:46
Don't know if you'v seen this one, but a friend just emailed it to me!

"Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman:    Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman:  Hi, Sylvia!  How'd you die?

1st woman:    I froze to death.

2nd woman:  How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. I finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:  If only you had looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive.

PRICELESS"       LOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MegC1991 on December 19, 2012, 11:01
Don't know if you'v seen this one, but a friend just emailed it to me!

"Two Ladies Talking in Heaven



1st woman:    Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman:  Hi, Sylvia!  How'd you die?

1st woman:    I froze to death.

2nd woman:  How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. I finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:  If only you had looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive.

PRICELESS"       LOL

 :D

There once was a Tsar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It is raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I do not think so, dear. I think it is snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let us step outside and we will find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on December 23, 2012, 16:42
Does anyone know roughly how many sheet's of wrapping paper you need for an ironing board?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 23, 2012, 17:14
Does anyone know roughly how many sheet's of wrapping paper you need for an ironing board?  ;)


 :D Oh dear, poor you - I think the answer is "too many!"


Does anyone know why sellotape would rather stick to anything (the dispenser, itself, you, the "wrong" part of the parcel) than its intended target, and when you do manage to tear off a "good" bit you find your carefully folded tab thingy has unfolded itself so you need three hands to complete the operation?!  >:(  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 23, 2012, 20:51
I dunno why - but am all too familiar with that scenario   :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on December 23, 2012, 23:27
Does anyone know roughly how many sheet's of wrapping paper you need for an ironing board?  ;)

No but I know the way to casualty when you are trying to retrieve it from where she will put it :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sarajane on December 24, 2012, 06:50
Does anyone know roughly how many sheet's of wrapping paper you need for an ironing board?  ;)

No but I know the way to casualty when you are trying to retrieve it from where she will put it :D :D

Me thinks that tooo :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 24, 2012, 09:42
Does anyone know roughly how many sheet's of wrapping paper you need for an ironing board?  ;)

No but I know the way to casualty when you are trying to retrieve it from where she will put it :D :D

Me thinks that tooo :wacko:

Me thinks it was way too um, subtle so I didn't "get it" - I'm blaming the fact I was attempting to do my own wrapping so was experiencing a major humour short-circuit at the time!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on December 24, 2012, 11:38
I'm not being overly generous this year as last year I bought her TWO prezzies, a belt and a bag for the vac and she didn't appreciate them, either.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 26, 2012, 16:19
Why does Santa have 3 allotments?
.
.
.
.
.
So he can ho-ho-ho

 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on December 26, 2012, 21:43
Love it!!


Let's just hope it doesn't rain dear!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on December 27, 2012, 20:15
A shop in a small town in southern Texas unveiled its Christmas window display to great acclaim.  They had produced the most wonderful nativity scene and the townsfolk stood in awe and wonder, especially as the three wise men were wearing firemen outfits.

Puzzled, they nominated a spokeperson to approach the fearsome lady shop owner.  'Eerrr why's them wise men dressed as firemen maaam' asked the spokeman nervously, then backed out in a hurry as the shop owner exploded in a rage accusing him of not knowing his bible.

As he reached the door, he turned again and said 'I read my bible maaaam, but there ain't nothing about firemen in there, I swear'.

The shop owner grabbed a bible from behind the counter and waving it in the spokeperson's face, pointed a finger at a passage and said 'Does so!  Says right here, the three wise men came from afaaarrrrr'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on January 03, 2013, 22:03
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!



'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 04, 2013, 01:15
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!



'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


 :lol:

I bet the broom-in-laws bristled when they heard that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on January 04, 2013, 08:05
No, they just swept past them.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 05, 2013, 13:37
No, they just swept past them.

With dust dead pan faces?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 09, 2013, 17:40
Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would  be bad all day.

I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: spottymint on January 09, 2013, 18:05
Trust me, you weren't quiet enough.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on January 09, 2013, 18:14
My mum said "please go to the supermarket and buy one bottle of milk.  If they have eggs get six"

I came back with six bottles of milk.

She asked "why did you buy six bottles of milk"

so I replied...

"Because they had eggs!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on January 09, 2013, 20:31
My mum said "please go to the supermarket and buy one bottle of milk.  If they have eggs get six"

I came back with six bottles of milk.

She asked "why did you buy six bottles of milk"

so I replied...

"Because they had eggs!"

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on January 14, 2013, 20:38
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 15, 2013, 09:13
...I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors.....

....I wanted to hear the rest of the story but was told "That's all there is - there isn't any mower"....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on January 17, 2013, 20:39
Oh Burger it!  Here goes…
Yes, I have shamefully plagiarised everyone else’s best quips and collated them all here just for you .  Feel free to add on any more quips or indeed any galloping gourmet recipes.

“I had one of those Tesco’s Horse burgers today… I’ve had the trots ever since !”
Just been looking at the labels on Tesco burgers and it turns out they are fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar!!!!

I found these horse meat burgers from Tesco in my fridge. I've just checked them and they're Off!

A Man is seriously ill after eating Tesco burgers. Doctors describe his condition as stable!
Tesco's launch new burger range... Champion!

Tesco beef burgers, suitable for Hindus

Jockey's pep talk "If you don't win, it's Tesco for you!"
Ode to Tossco burgers:  To eat   Or not to eat  That is equestrian.

Quick poll - do you think horsemeat should be used in burgers.....Yay or Nay?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on January 19, 2013, 18:45
This is bolting the stable door after the horse has been eaten.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on January 19, 2013, 21:46
 
The Winter Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
 
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
Pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
Still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
They're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
Putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
Scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
Boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on January 24, 2013, 20:26
The Prime Minister is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He entered a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greeted the first patient.

The patient replied:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

The P.M. was confused, just grinned, moved on to the next patient and greeted him.

The patient responded:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, the P.M. moved on to the third patient, who immediately began to chant:

"We sleekit, cowerin, tim’rous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, the P.M.Tony turned to the accompanying doctor and asked, "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No", replied the doctor.  "This is the serious Burns unit."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on January 24, 2013, 21:29
Changing the subject slightly, when is Burns Night? Have looked at several calanders and none have it registered.  I love Haggis, tatties and neeps.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on January 24, 2013, 21:38
Tomorrow I think,the 25th.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on January 25, 2013, 22:16
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.
Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No.
Man: So where's your Ferrari then?



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Gandan57 on January 26, 2013, 13:13
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
 
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
 
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
 
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
 
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
 
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
 
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
 
'Moses,' replied the bird.
 
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
 
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on January 28, 2013, 19:24
 :ohmy: ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on January 30, 2013, 17:34
Last night my children and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them
"I never want to live in a state of vegitation depending on some Machine and fluids from a bottle" if that ever happens please pull the plug

They got up and unpluged my computer and threw my wine away
the litle B**!!ers
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ThatsNice on January 30, 2013, 22:55
(http://img.tapatalk.com/d/13/01/31/jy5u3e4a.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on January 31, 2013, 02:59
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Y.E.A.H on January 31, 2013, 10:02
What was Beethoven favourite fruit?

BANANANAAAAA  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on January 31, 2013, 20:25
NEWSFLASH: The Irish SAS have landed a team in a zoo in Algeria. They have managed to release all the ostriches.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 01, 2013, 09:52
NEWSFLASH: The Irish SAS have landed a team in a zoo in Algeria. They have managed to release all the ostriches.

Took me a couple of seconds to get it - but well worth it  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Wychwood on February 01, 2013, 17:22


(http://i1186.photobucket.com/albums/z372/wychwood1/irishweathermachine_zps22d69b4e.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JamPan on February 17, 2013, 00:20
You know why it took Findus so long to find out there was horse meat in the lasagne?  They topped it with mascarpone cheese.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on February 17, 2013, 07:44
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 17, 2013, 10:23
Finally got it! Mask a pony ---->>>>> GROAN!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 17, 2013, 10:24
I'm glad you explained it for me John  :blush:  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on February 17, 2013, 13:01
I couldn't understand it either, I had to get OH to explain it to me. I think it depends on your accent...  :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 17, 2013, 15:20
From my local butcher:

I went into the supermarket to buy Captain Morgan's, Bacardi and burgers.  I came out with black rum, white rum and Red Rum!
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ThatsNice on February 19, 2013, 17:08
(http://img.tapatalk.com/d/13/02/20/petyzuzy.jpg)
Shamelessly pinched from Faceache :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: BussinSpain on February 20, 2013, 07:27
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Road Show.

"Ooh" said the presenter. This is a very rare set, produced by the John's Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?

"Sticks" Paddy replied.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on February 20, 2013, 08:44
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the lane when they spot a wooden crate tucked away in the hedgerow. Paddy goes to investigate and opens up the crate to find three unexploded hand-grenades inside. He tells Murphy what he's found and asks: "What's the best thing to do with this lot now, Murphy?

Murphy replies: 'I think its best to take them down to the police station."

"But what do we do if one of them explodes on the way there?" asks Paddy.

"Oh, we'll tell them we only found two!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: The Golden Heap on February 27, 2013, 21:38
In light of the recent beef scandal I have switched suppliers to a factory in china,

Quarter pandas any one?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 01, 2013, 14:07
A couple of Yorkshire jokes (possibly not everyone will "get" them!)  ::)  :unsure:

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."Vet: "Is it
a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' me!"

****

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have
a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft get, I want it chewin' a bone!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 01, 2013, 15:22
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

As you know, I find accents fascinating.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on March 01, 2013, 19:32
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 01, 2013, 19:43
For a real challenge, try the potteries dialect. When my Grandad got going I couldna mek owt word

http://www.thepotteries.org/dialect.html#mar
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 02, 2013, 06:42
Some reading there John, I particularly like the duck transactions. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on March 02, 2013, 16:25
I teach children from the Potteries, and it's strange accent gives rise to weird and wonderful singing, such as

"Wurrr is loov? Doos it fawl from skays aboov?" from that well-known Stoke musical "Oliver".

Makes me crease up, bless!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on March 05, 2013, 20:24
I was working on my allotment the other day when my mate decided to come over and fit guttering on my new shed. He was up on the ladder while I was painting down below.

He clumsily dropped his power drill on my head. One minute I was painting, and the next minute...............Bosch!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on March 05, 2013, 20:42
A married woman had another man in her bed.

Her small son walked into the bedroom without warning. He panicked at what he saw and hid in the wardrobe, glad that neither his mother or the other man had seen him.

Suddenly the front door opened and her husband arrived home early from work. She told her lover to hide in the wardrobe, not knowing that her son was in there.

'It's dark in here,' said the little boy.
'Yes it is,' agreed the man.
'I've got a cricket ball for sale,' said the little boy. 'I want £20 for it.'
'Don't be silly,' said the stranger. 'That's far too much.'
'Does my dad know you're in here?'
'Ok, ok, here's £20 for your cricket ball.'

A month later the two of them found each other in the wardrobe again.

'It's dark in here.'
The man groaned.
'I've got a cricket bat for sale. I want £100 for it.'
'Now that's ridiculous.'
'Does my.......'
'Ok, ok. Here's £100.'

A few weeks later the mother took her son to church, so that he could be blessed with the other small children. The priest called them to confession, each in turn.

The little boy walked between the dark curtains. 'Oh! It's dark in here!'

'Don't start all that again,' said the priest.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on March 05, 2013, 23:10
(Women will LOVE this one!)

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.


Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.


This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.


Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever
Don't mess with them.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ryetek on March 06, 2013, 14:20
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!". He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 06, 2013, 14:25
Good'un  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ryetek on March 06, 2013, 14:32
Good'un  :lol:

I like it too although it was sent to me by my boss and is taking the mick out of me.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 06, 2013, 14:32
The power of words, heh?  :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ryetek on March 06, 2013, 14:47
The power of words, heh?  :D :D

Indeed!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on March 09, 2013, 21:21
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting, and worked on his allotment and played golf a lot and drank beer and whisky and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and broke wind whenever he wanted. The end  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on March 12, 2013, 09:28
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 13, 2013, 08:19
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting, and worked on his allotment and played golf a lot and drank beer and whisky and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and broke wind whenever he wanted. The end  :)

That is no Joke, more a reality :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 13, 2013, 16:58
 
 
 
 
Murphy applied for a job at an Irish brewery.  A Pole applied for the same job,  and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test.

Both men scored 19 out of 20.

The manager said to Murphy, ‘Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the job to the Polish chap.’

Murphy asked, ‘And why would ya be doin’ dat?  We both scored 19 outa 20.  Dis bein’ Ireland and me bein’ Irish means I should get de the job.’

The manager replied, ‘We made our decision based on the answers you got wrong.’

Murphy said, ‘And how can one wrong answer be better dan anudder?’
 
The manager answered, ‘On question 7 the Pole wrote “I don't know,” and you wrote, “Neither do I”.’
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lawrence on March 13, 2013, 22:52
I just heard that B&Q have got implicated in the meat scandal.
Apparently their flooring has got lamb in it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on March 14, 2013, 09:57
We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid cow was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her bum with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat bum downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!

..............She'd better not poo in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 14, 2013, 10:30
Brilliant  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on March 14, 2013, 17:20
This is a bit saucy, but made me laugh

Boy goes to dad and asks for help with his english homework.

'What's the difference between theory and reality dad?'

His dad says 'Go ask your mum if she would sleep with a man who offered her a million pounds son'

The boy comes back and says 'She thought about it and said yes she probably would dad'

'OK' says the dad, 'go ask your sister the same question'

The boy comes back and says 'She said no for a million, but yes if it was two million dad'

'OK' says the dad, 'go ask your older brother the same question'

The boy comes back and says 'He said for a million, he would do it dad'

'Right' says the dad, 'son in theory we could be four million quid up here as a family, in reality we live with two sluts and a pervert'



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 14, 2013, 17:22
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on March 15, 2013, 14:54
The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"
Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on March 16, 2013, 10:03
Paddy and his gang put in a quote to the telephone company to go around setting up wooden telegraph poles. However, a bid was also put in by another gang. So, it was decided to put both teams on a trial for a week.

At the end of the week the Manager got the two team leaders together and asked them how they got on.

It turned out that Paddy's team only managed to erect two poles that week, whereby the opposition team erected sixteen.

"But the other team cheated," said Paddy.

"How do you mean?" asked the Manager.

"Well, have you seen how much of the ploes they've left sticking out of the ground?" replied Paddy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on March 16, 2013, 17:29
Not a valid vimeo URL
   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: bricoop on March 18, 2013, 09:32
an Irish university team went on university challenge. After 25 minutes they hadnt answered a question hadnt even pressed the buzzer.So Paxman decides to try a really simple question. Could anyone give me the name of the Indian Leader who was called Ghandi? after pause the Irish captain pressed the buzzer.  Im not sure sor Mr Paxman but was it Goosey Goosey........Its all right Im going.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: bricoop on March 18, 2013, 10:17
A surgeon standing at the bedside of a bloke he operated on. When the bloke wakes up the surgeon says Im sorry but weve got some good news and some bad news' The bad news is we had to cut both your legs off. The man says what the hells the good news then. We've managed to sell your slippers........an original Frank Carson..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on March 18, 2013, 10:42
liked this one.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Rallychef on March 18, 2013, 11:11
I used to be a shop steward in a napkin factory in Moscow ..........I was part on the Serviette Union.  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on March 18, 2013, 17:28
 :wacko: :tongue2: :lol:
GROAN. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on March 21, 2013, 20:11
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
... You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores,
feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A ROMANIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell them to the abattoir where they are slaughtered and minced.
The procesed meat is shipped to France and then to re-shipped to neighbouring Luxembourg
to make frozen meat dishes for Tesco.
It turns out you had two horses and not two cows.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 22, 2013, 07:30
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.


A doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around our house to see things that I had started and hadn't finished.

So far, I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.

An telum, u blody luvum !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 22, 2013, 09:12
 :lol: Love it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: juliec on March 22, 2013, 10:11



After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old

Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image

staring back at him.

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the

way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in

the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go

there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the

mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly cow

he's running around with.'

 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: digger1 on March 22, 2013, 15:33
I may get into trouble with this one.....

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
 
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
 
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
 
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
 
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
 JUST SAY IT!
 
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
 
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
 
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
 
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
 
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
 IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST, HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
 
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
 
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
 
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
 PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
 
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
 
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
 
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
 
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
 
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
 
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
 
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on March 22, 2013, 16:35
ROFL  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on March 25, 2013, 09:19
it's funny, because it's so true (sorry ladies, but it just is  :) )
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 25, 2013, 09:40
I think that's very funny...  and, oh dear, very true  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Stree on March 28, 2013, 18:50
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone, when it dawned on me..........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Stree on March 28, 2013, 18:53
Have you heard about the Indian Karaoke singing champion? Garupta Singh......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on March 31, 2013, 20:28
Wifey phoned her mother at t time. Her mother is 92 and has alzheimer's.

Hi Mum, what you been doing.
MIL:, Been watching that boatrace on telly.
Wifey: Who won?
MIL: England.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on March 31, 2013, 20:38
Is that funny?  ???

No its probably my fault!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 01, 2013, 09:30
Designing Mobile Phone Apps for Cats

A usability study - little technical but look at the date :)

http://www.nngroup.com/articles/mobile-usability-cats/
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fred-quimby on April 01, 2013, 13:57
Ryanair's Micheal O'Leary arrives in a hotel in Dublin, he goes to the bar and asks for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please.
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on April 01, 2013, 21:46
A joke I have liked since I was about 8 years old that I thought I'd share as it still makes me giggle:

Q: What is the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?

A: A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on April 01, 2013, 21:55
A joke I have liked since I was about 8 years old that I thought I'd share as it still makes me giggle:

Q: What is the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?

A: A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla!

And I grew up thinking the answer was;


A: You cannot make toast under a rabbit !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 01, 2013, 22:00
A joke I have liked since I was about 8 years old that I thought I'd share as it still makes me giggle:

Q: What is the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?

A: A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla!

And I grew up thinking the answer was;


A: You cannot make toast under a rabbit !

Absolutely, and if you cross a gorilla with a parrot, you get a load of gibberish, but you damn well have to stay and listen...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 01, 2013, 22:06
So a young man marries into a rich family with it's own business.

The father tells the new son-in-law that he has now been made a director in the family firm, and he can start at the bottom, learning the work on the floor.

The new lad says he won't ever work in a factory because of the noise.

The father says that he could work in the office.

The lad says that he can't work a computer.

The father says he can go out and sell the products.

The lad says he can't drive.

Sooooo, the father in desperation says 'Well what the hell do you want then...'?

The lad says 'Well, you could buy me out"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: pol_bishop25 on April 02, 2013, 21:28
A gardening joke, hope you like it:

--
I heard about people talking to their plants so I went out and bought one.
I haven't watered it for a week now.
Oh it'll talk. Eventually.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ianl on April 06, 2013, 08:21
Ian and Sue are trying to sleep through an horendous storm. Lightning strikes, rain swept hard into the window etc. Suddenly there are a couple of load knocks downstairs. Sue says that it is the door but Ian insists it is the wind. It happens again and reluctantly, Ian goes down to the door and opens it. Ian opens it and is is surprised to see a man soaked to the skin standing there. " Sorry to bother you at this time of night but I need a push " says the soaked man. " Go away. I'm not going out to help you. It is too wet." Ian replied, shut the door and went back to bed. After telling Sue, she reminded him of the time they were stuck in mud in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere and they managed to find a farm whose farmer took them in for the night and helped free the car in the morning. " ok" Ian said, " I will go and call out to the man, he cant have gone far and give him a push". He went downstairs, opened the door and shouted " Where are you I will give you a push" " Over here on the swings"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 16, 2013, 09:50
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots - your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 16, 2013, 21:39
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots - your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon...

Not if the posher up-market goods were chosen - they often come with a five year warranty.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on April 17, 2013, 19:27
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"



The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth  Love, and show him . . .”
 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on April 21, 2013, 08:05
A man goes for a job interview. The interviewer asks him: "So, what would you say is your biggest fault?"

The man replies: "I think I'm too honest."

Intervewer: "Well, I don't think honesty is a fault!"

Man: "I don't care what you think, you arrogant, self-opinionated man!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on April 21, 2013, 22:13
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 23, 2013, 14:50
Man is sent to see the psychiatrist:

Shrink:  So what seems to be the problem?
Patient: They say that I'm a bit touched, just because I really like sausages.
Shrink:  That's silly - lots of people like sausages.  In fact I like sausages myself!
Patient: Really?  Would you like to see my collection then, I've got hundreds......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on April 23, 2013, 19:06
 :lol:

I've never  heard that one before..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 28, 2013, 01:36
Man is sent to see the psychiatrist:

Shrink:  So what seems to be the problem?
Patient: They say that I'm a bit touched, just because I really like sausages.
Shrink:  That's silly - lots of people like sausages.  In fact I like sausages myself!
Patient: Really?  Would you like to see my collection then, I've got hundreds......

Sounds a real head banger!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 28, 2013, 08:22

Sounds a real head banger!  :lol:

Groan!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on April 28, 2013, 11:24

Sounds a real head banger!  :lol:

Groan!

Paracetamol prescribed  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on April 28, 2013, 19:59
Man is sent to see the psychiatrist:

Shrink:  So what seems to be the problem?
Patient: They say that I'm a bit touched, just because I really like sausages.
Shrink:  That's silly - lots of people like sausages.  In fact I like sausages myself!
Patient: Really?  Would you like to see my collection then, I've got hundreds......

Sounds a real head banger!  :lol:

Is that the missing link?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 03, 2013, 19:38
A son asked his mother the following question:

' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and
replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white? '

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
 The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 08, 2013, 19:32
Not a joke as such, but I did have to smile at this even if it was of the "raised eyebrow" variety!  ::)

I'm sure everyone has seen or heard the references to "may contain nuts" on packets of peanuts, but Tossco excelled themselves today on the labelling of their packets of pine nuts:

Quote
Recipe: No nuts

Ingredients: Cannot guarantee this product does not contain nuts.

Given that the pot of basil I started in early January has finally started to romp away and take over my kitchen (which prompted me to try making home-made pesto) I'm certainly hoping there is at least the odd pine nut in the packet (especially at £2.59 for 100g!)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 08, 2013, 20:41
Pine nuts are not nuts  :lol:
Quote
Peanuts, almonds, pistachios, cashews, horse chestnuts and pine nuts are not nuts.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/qi/8434868/QI-Quite-interesting-facts-about-nuts.html
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on May 09, 2013, 21:09
Please tell me where in Tescos you found pine nuts that cheap, I had them on my shopping list and put them back as couldn't/wouldn't pay £4 for a packet. By the way, pine nuts are seeds not nuts!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 09, 2013, 21:24
Please tell me where in Tescos you found pine nuts that cheap, I had them on my shopping list and put them back as couldn't/wouldn't pay £4 for a packet. By the way, pine nuts are seeds not nuts!

Tesco's website (and in my local store) - LINK (http://www.tesco.com/groceries/Product/Details/?id=258797594)

If I may I'll just pass on the question of the official (or anyone else's) definition of nuts as a potential cause of allergy problems!   ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 10, 2013, 11:42
Please tell me where in Tescos you found pine nuts that cheap, I had them on my shopping list and put them back as couldn't/wouldn't pay £4 for a packet. By the way, pine nuts are seeds not nuts!

Interestingly I thought all nuts (vegetable kind) were seeds.  :unsure: 
;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 10, 2013, 11:53
all nuts (vegetable kind) are a subset of group seeds.

all nuts (UKIP) are a subset of the group electorate who have lost any faith whatever in the integrity of standard political classes and parties.....

I always thought pine nuts were yankee fans of a certain range of tree types......

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 10, 2013, 12:11
Paul - All nuts are seeds - but not all seeds are nuts  :lol:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nut_(fruit)#Botanical_definition

Plenty of nutcases on here though  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 10, 2013, 13:12
Paul - All nuts are seeds - but not all seeds are nuts  :lol:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nut_(fruit)#Botanical_definition

Plenty of nutcases on here though  ;)

I''m no confused  :wacko: Just tired.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 10, 2013, 17:56
Well, what are Grape Nuts then?

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 10, 2013, 18:13
Well, what are Grape Nuts then?

;0)

Winos?  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Beetroot queen on May 10, 2013, 19:27
Just to clear up the pine nut debate, our allergy leaflet from south Hampton hospital says no to pine nuts as They are classed as a tree nut. Just incase anyone eats one with an allergy. Florence is peanut and tree nut allergic so I have plenty of info if people need  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on May 10, 2013, 21:31
Well, what are Grape Nuts then?

;0)

'orrible :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 11, 2013, 00:58
I think this wild and chaotic conversation about nuts should be bolted locked before it gets out of hand..

Mind you there seems to be a serious twist to the thread.



Just as a matter of interest are peanuts nuts or seeds or both? I love peanuts but detest peanut butter.... (I've never tried it - I just can't stand the smell.  :( )

I think I need more speel sleep.  :closedeyes:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 11, 2013, 06:44
I was wondering where did the give us a laugh got to. am I nuts or you lot. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 11, 2013, 08:24
sings - NUTS WHOLE HAZELNUTS  :D

You have to laugh   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Elaine G on May 12, 2013, 12:30
My mum is called Hazel, so my sister and I always sang 'Nuts, old Hazel's nuts!' when that advert came on.  :lol:

Elaine
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 12, 2013, 18:45
I bet she said that's nut funny
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on May 12, 2013, 21:50
Enough of the wisecracks!  ;)

There isn't a kernel of truth in the rumours... that we're all nuts, that is. :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: bluealf on May 12, 2013, 22:55
A joke I read the other day on another site, it made me laugh anyways  ;)

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’

The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’

The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and begorrah it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

Brian answers, ‘The Flanagan twins are peed again!’
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on May 13, 2013, 16:58
I found this poem in a book, m ade me chuckle, but oh is it true!

T'was an evening in November,
As I very well remember,
I was strolling down the street in drunken pride,
but my knees were all a'flutter
So I landed in the gutter,
And a pig came up and lay down by my side,
Yes I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I could not utter,
When a lady passing by did softly say,
'Ye can tell a man that boozes
By the company he chooses'
At that the pig got up and walked away!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 13, 2013, 19:16
deep down in my memory this was a song but I cannot remember who sang it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 13, 2013, 19:43
deep down in my memory this was a song but I cannot remember who sang it.

Be thankful you still have a deep down memory Dugmore!  ::)  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 13, 2013, 22:26
"And the pig got up and slowly walked away..."

It's a drinking song written in 1933 by Benjamin Hapgood Burt
Sung famously by Frank Crumit : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPPjYTlGaEo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPPjYTlGaEo)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 14, 2013, 07:09
"And the pig got up and slowly walked away..."

It's a drinking song written in 1933 by Benjamin Hapgood Burt
Sung famously by Frank Crumit : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPPjYTlGaEo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPPjYTlGaEo)
Spot on  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on May 14, 2013, 07:29
It just says 'traditional' in the book I was reading at the time.  But thankyou Hamster and Dugless.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hunros40 on May 14, 2013, 11:39
Forget Newton and Galileo.
Here are the real laws of nature:
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
 
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
 
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 14, 2013, 14:57
Brilliant hunros40  :) If I may, there is more to add to rule 5:

5.Supermarket Law- As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

5a. The law of supermarket amnesia. If you write a shopping list for the supermarket, you are guaranteed to leave it at home on the table and not realise until you are nearly there. Never mind, because you then repeat the list to yourself in your head as you approach the supermarket doors but, as soon as you enter, your mind goes completely blank. You then fill your shopping trolley with a host of random items that you don't really need and, after obeying rule 5 and paying a ridiculous amount for 6 bags of shopping, you go home, review the list that was left on the table and realise that you haven't actually bought any of it. You then take a trip to the corner shop for an expensive loaf of plastic bread and some milk.
 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 14, 2013, 15:44
That would be funny - if it wasn't true  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 14, 2013, 16:56
Rule 2a if there is a hole nearby it will go in it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 14, 2013, 17:02
Nice one Hunros - if I may add 6(a):

At any unfamiliar multi-exit roundabout, no matter how carefully you choose your lane, by the time you get to your exit you will always be in the wrong lane and will then need to cover your ears and close your eyes as you reach nervously for the indicator switch (metaphorically speaking, of course!)  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Elaine G on May 14, 2013, 17:23
Ha! Ha! However if you are my colleague, however carefully you read the signs, when you enter the roundabout you will still have no clue where the exit is!
I discovered this when following him one day - suddenly he was behind me!! (It's a side effect of dyslexia apparently)

Elaine
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 15, 2013, 12:08
deep down in my memory this was a song but I cannot remember who sang it.

Most rugby players ! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on May 15, 2013, 19:36
I can still do the 'sign language for  'swing low sweetchariot, comming for to carry me home', used to go to some barn if I remember rightly on the  the Hamble on a Saturday night, (Oh goodness that that was back in the 80's, feeling old now).  I can also do the universal sign language for '  Cumb ba ya (sp) as I was a Guide Captain.

Reading the latest  posts |I'm well behind!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on May 15, 2013, 21:36
I can still do the 'sign language for  'swing low sweetchariot, comming for to carry me home',

I will be shocked if its the same version as the one I know.  :ohmy: :blush: ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on May 16, 2013, 20:19


I will be shocked if its the same version as the one I know.  :ohmy: :blush: ;)
[/quote

I was drinking with a load of Policemen and especially CID officers at the time and it probably is the version you know if it is making you blush!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on May 21, 2013, 17:48
This really made me laugh!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 07, 2013, 15:53
when i see peoples initials carved into a tree,i dont think ahh thats cute.i think its strange how many people go on dates with knives.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on June 07, 2013, 15:56
 :tongue2:  :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on June 09, 2013, 19:43
Geek humour.......

(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c182/G4IAR/998732_532824070112421_1568832382_n_zpsa4f293e8.png)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on June 09, 2013, 19:55
Funnier than Greek humour! :tongue2: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on June 18, 2013, 11:21
you know you're having a bad day when even the rice krispies give you the silent treatment
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on June 18, 2013, 20:21
In political terms, where would one find the mythical beasts?

Left of centaur... :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 20, 2013, 09:45
In political terms, where would one find the mythical beasts?

Left of centaur... :lol:

That qualifies for the daily groan  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 28, 2013, 16:01
> A True Lover of Golf...
> A woman had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters...
> As she sits down, a man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the
> seat next to her..
> "No", she says, "the seat is empty."
> "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have
> a
> seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not
> use
> it?"
> She says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My husband was
> supposed to come with me, but he passed away. This is the first Masters
> we haven't been together since we got married."
> "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
> find
> someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the
> seat?"
> The woman shakes her head...
> ...."No. They're all at his funeral."
>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on June 28, 2013, 17:50
Oh  Wow march the 28th and its only just shown up ?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: allot2learn on June 30, 2013, 23:51
Relief As Missing Pensioners Found Safe And Well
'We were really worried when they wandered-off from their homes on Saturday night,' said a concerned relative. 'Fortunately the police found them safe and well, playing the main stage at Glastonbury.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on July 01, 2013, 08:18
Yes I've just heard they had to close entry to the main stage due to an act that could actually perform well being on. As opposed to the younger acts that seem to be absolute dross.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 01, 2013, 17:09
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me," says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at?" he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"

"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers ."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 04, 2013, 11:10
I upset this really hard bloke down the pub one time, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "Oh yeah? You'll regret it if you try!"
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why will I regret it?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 04, 2013, 14:55
Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast , so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Your loving son,

.........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 04, 2013, 15:04
A good'un  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: digger1 on July 04, 2013, 15:08
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. ... The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog... Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on July 04, 2013, 18:22
Love it  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 11, 2013, 21:15
Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,  Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months  without stepping on any ducks,
But  One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on


.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

! Steady!

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.




Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on July 11, 2013, 21:18
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on July 15, 2013, 18:54
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on July 15, 2013, 20:48
 :lol: If only that would work in real life.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 26, 2013, 17:01
I so hope it has - brilliant!!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 27, 2013, 11:32
True story - a few years ago when mobiles weren't as common or small, I was talking to a chap who had a box hanging on his chest with an earphone in and another lead going into his pocket. I spent the whole conversation talking loudly and clearly to the box, assuming he must be very deaf.
Then he said excuse me and started talking to thin air - I was really worried in case 'the voices' were talking to him  :D
Found out later and felt a right nitwit!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on July 27, 2013, 20:37
Ah, a fellow sufferer!  ;)

Those new 4G thingies are big, too, though rather thinner than those portable brick phones!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 28, 2013, 10:54
It was a blessed relief when some train companies designated a carriage the "quiet coach" on my daily train commute to and from York, but it didn't always guarantee complete freedom from electronic noise.

One day a young chap was playing a car racing game on his laptop, and there were loud and frequent sounds of screaming tyres and spectacular crashes coming from it.

This became too much to bear for one woman who came down the carriage, thrust her face into his, and said "now that you've proved beyond doubt to everyone in this coach what an absolutely cr@p driver you are how about switching the 'effin thing off and giving us all some peace and quiet?!"  :lol:

(He did!)  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on August 06, 2013, 19:39
A pirate comes home after spending years away at sea, and he arrives back at his local pub for a drink.

'I haven't seen you for years,' said the barman. 'Where have you been?'

'I've been doing my pirate duties on far away seas,' replied the pirate'

'I see you've got a wooden leg now,' said the barman. 'What happened there?'

'I was involved in a horrific accident, where the mainmast crashed down and smashed my leg.'

'But what about that hook? Where did that come from?'

'Same accident. The top-spar landed on my hand as I lay there underneath the mainmast.'

'And the patch on your eye?'

'I was looking up at the sails, trying to get the gauge of the wind, when this seagull poo landed in my eye.'

'Don't be silly - you don't lose your eye because of seagull poo!'

'You do if it's your first day with a hook!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on August 07, 2013, 23:21
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

 

 



Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...

An Email from a friend  ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on August 08, 2013, 20:17
Thanks, Sparky!  reminded me of when I tried to get my dad to use email:

He had a tesconet account and step by step instructions....

I got a phone call," I'm trying to send an email, but it won't work. I think I know what's wrong, so now I've put my clubcard in....but it still won't send".

Arrgh!!  :ohmy:"Just turn it off at the wall before you take it out of the diskdrive"

"It's Ok, dear, I've got it out with my tweezers". :ohmy:

He doesn't do ANY technology stuff now... :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 08, 2013, 21:48
Back in the dim and distant past, a lady working in one of our warehouse offices had in the corner of her office a small computer that processed plug-in downloads from these portable barcode readers.   When a trunker turned up to collect the twenty odd pallets of barcoded consignments we were sending out, she would write the relevant data down to a five and a quarter inch floppy.  This would go into a padded envelope which was handed to the driver who took it away to be fed into the carrier systems.  Real cutting edge it wasn't but until the carrier people agreed to modem transfer, that was what she did.

Inevitably the computer eventually conked out and the information on umpteen days despatches was unavailable with consequent implications for checking our invoices to the client for the product and the carrier invoices to us for the carriage.  The chaps were not too worried because they had been very careful to ensure that the lady concerned, who was a very responsible, thorough and conscientious person, knew that whenever she wrote data down to a floppy, she should take a copy before the disk was handed to the driver and left the building.  They asked her if she had in fact taken copies and were relievewd when she confirmed that yes, she had diligently taken a copy of every floppy disk created.  She pulled out a binder and in it were several hundred photocopies of five and a quarter inch floppy disks, each sheet carefully endorsed with the date and wagon number.......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ryetek on August 09, 2013, 16:35
Another true story from a while back along the same themes as above. One of our office policies was, at the time, to virus check CDs before they were used on any computer attached to our company network (we didn't even have Internet to our desktops back then). A sticker was then put on each disk that passed the virus checking test. A young lad who had just started working for us was asked to virus check a whole pack of software CDs that had just come in. He happily did this and then handed the disks to me.

I picked one of the disks and promptly asked him "what's on this disk?". "Don't know" was the answer. So I set the disc aside and picked another disc that (I hoped) showed the problem more obviously. I then said to him "what's on this disk then?". Looking at me puzzled he said "I don't know". So taking a different approach I then said to him "shall I tell you what's on this disk?" to which his answer was "yes". My reply was "I don't know either".

He'd only gone and stuck the virus free sticker (on pretty much every disk) over the title of what was on the disk  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on August 09, 2013, 19:27
A young lad comes home from school and asks his dad if he'd help him with his homework. 'I've got to explain the difference between realistically, and theoretically.'

Dad says: 'The best thing to do is to go upstairs and ask your sister if she'd sleep with Matt Damon for a million pounds. Then go to the kitchen and ask your mother if she'd sleep with George Clooney for a million pounds. And then come back here.'

The young lad asks his sister about sleeping with Matt Damon. 'Of course I would,' she replies. 'I'd even sleep with him for nothing!'

The young lad then asks his mother about George Clooney: 'Well,' she says, 'don't tell your father, but yes, I would.'

He returns to the living room where his father is waiting for him. 'Well, son,' says dad. 'What did you learn?'

The young lad thinks for a few moments, and then comes out with his judgement. 'Theoretically, we're sitting on a couple of million quid. But realistically we're sharing a house with two loose women!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 11, 2013, 19:10
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him.  "My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!  What the hell did you bring him home for?”

"He's thinking of getting married...."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on August 11, 2013, 21:16
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 13, 2013, 07:44
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

 The first man married a Greek girl.

 He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

 It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 The second man married a Thai girl.

 He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.

 By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...

 The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.

 He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, ...... but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on August 13, 2013, 10:02
 :lol: :lol: :lol: How true, I'm from Yorkshire & I would go with that attitude too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on August 15, 2013, 16:35
Married life is like a deck of cards. It starts with a heart and a diamond, but it's not long before you wish you had a club and a spade!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on August 15, 2013, 17:23
Married life is like a deck of cards. It starts with a heart and a diamond, but it's not long before you wish you had a club and a spade!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 16, 2013, 13:15
Dugless - Dugless - Dugless! Brilliant!  :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: Just sent it to some friends and am awaiting their responses! Am now going to post something on here "wot I wrote" that I did a while ago in another post. It says the same thing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 16, 2013, 13:18
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A WOMAN!
Primordial man comes in and slams the front door:
MAN: Oi Woman! Where are my clean trousers?
WOMAN: Hello darling – have you had a good day?
MAN: I said – where’s my clean trousers?
WOMAN:  I really don’t know, my sweetheart. I’ve looked everywhere for them including the utility room. Have you had a good day?
MAN: What’s the utility room?
WOMAN: It’s where I keep the laundry basket. Have you had a good day?
MAN: What’s the laundry basket?
WOMAN: It’s that thing where you put your dirty clothes, and then they appear in your wardrobe all nice and clean quite by magic.
MAN: Don’t be flippant! I want my clean trousers NOW!
WOMAN: If I could give you anything in this world, my precious, I would do so without question but, as you have so often said, you wear the trousers, so I just presumed you knew where they were.
MAN: I put them in – er – well – er - nearby the thingy, er - what’s it called again?
WOMAN: It’s a laundry basket - the thingy you are now wearing over your head.
MAN: (muffled voice). Ah – I wondered what it was! Where’s my pre-prandial Gin and Tonic?
WOMAN: Oh – I’m sorry my deepest love, I must have positioned it just out of reach for you when you fell on the sofa just now  – please forgive me for an error that is most unforgivable. I would, of course, give it to you now as requested, but I hate to think of you having to exercise your poor throat muscles working so hard to imbibe it. I would, of course, massage them for you with essential oils but the effect would take some time to work. Please let me consume it for you as a gesture of atonement (slurp!).
MAN: Where’s my dinner????
WOMAN: In the microwave.
MAN: Where’s the microwave?
WOMAN: In the kitchen (slurp).
MAN: Where’s the kitchen?
WOMAN: Next door to the utility room (slurp).
MAN: What’s the utility room?
WOMAN: Itsh where the laundry basket ushted to be.
MAN: (muffled voice). What’s a laundry basket, and why isn’t it there now – remind me!!
WOMAN: Itsh that thing still over your head. I think soup would be better for you tonight my darling, but you can chose whatever colour of straw you want for it – I have red and blue ones (slurp, slurp). Jusht gently indicate with your fingers which convenient opening in the laundry basket you dthesire me to insert your sthraw.
MAN: (still in a muffled voice). Where’s my evening newspaper? I want it NOW!
WOMAN: Oh, love of my life – I am soooo sorry!! The cat had a wee on it – only a little one - and I would have watshed, thdried and thpressed it for you, but you came home just after she did it, and I ......
MAN: Pressed? What’s that? Pressed it on what??
WOMAN: The ironing board.
MAN: What’s an ironing board?
WOMAN: Oh my darling, don’t you worry yourself about that now, it’s jusht something that us females uthse to ensure that all is as pristine as possible to make your little life runs smoothly (Hic).
MAN (still in a rather muffled voice): Where is my paper now?
WOMAN: I put it in the thingy – er – laundry basket (several slurps).
MAN: Where’s the laundry basket?
WOMAN: (Slurp) – On your head, dear – remember?
MAN: Ahh – I wondered what that smell was.
WOMAN: I’ve just found your trousers you wanted washing!!
MAN: Of course you have – I just left them where I normally do. I did tell you before, though you weren’t listening as usual.
WOMAN: Err – I wath listening Oh Great One but, as they were left on the floor in a heap, I assumed they were for Oxfam, so I wathshed them beforehand asth stated on the washing instructions label (slurp, slurp) – er - at least I think I did? (slurp, slurp, hic).
MAN: You DID wash them with “extreme care wash”?
WOMAN: (slurp, slurp) Ah – I thought it said “intensive care wash”, so a boil wash at ninety degrees with maximum spin and drying temperature .......? Oh, silly me. Should have gone to Spec-Savers!!!!!
MAN: (having shower): AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!! This water’s f******g freezing! Why didn’t you put the immersion on earlier when I came in????
WOMAN: Oh, heart of my desire – I would have done, but I uthsed all the hot water washing your Oxfam trousers, and you remember that little tiff we had about you posthitioning (hic) the immersion heater sthwitch in the utility room well above my head so I couldn’t reach it, and you said I was just being a thsilly old girl, but (slurp, slurp, slurp) you know I always do my best for you, whatever the circumstances, and I did do my best but....
MAN: But what, woman?????
WOMAN: You wouldn’t buy me a nice little pair of steps, only £9.99 from Argos in the sale, so I had to use my initiative, as you have so often told me to do (slurp, hic).
MAN: So what was the final culmination of all your widest female experiences??
WOMAN: I had to use something to stand on to help me reach the fr*****g thswitch.
MAN: (very muffled voice). Language please! What did you use?
WOMAN: The stuffing laundry basket.
MAN: (an extremely muffled voice). Ahh – that hurts!! Can’t you get this thing off my head???
WOMAN: Of course I will my little thweet preciousness. All I need is some thome Fairy Liquid as a lubricant.
MAN: GET SOME NOW!!!!!!
WOMAN: Instantly my hero .... except.... oh dear ...what a daft tart I am. I’ve run out of supplies in the kitchen. I’ve also run out of wine; however, as you have so often taught me, always keep a spare one in expiry date order on the shelf.
MAN: Where’s the shelf?
WOMAN: Above the immersion switch you positioned for me.
MAN: Where’s the immersion switch?
WOMAN: In the utility room.
MAN: (a very, extremely muffled voice) Whasssaaat? Ahhhhh!!
WOMAN: Oh – I think that’s the front door - I’ll get it for you – er - no – I think it’s for me. Hello Mellors!  Have you had a good day? Shall I run our bath now?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 16, 2013, 19:15
I knew I had seen that some where, just could not remember where ::) ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 20, 2013, 12:41
Found these Edinburgh Fringe "winners" (they were awarded this year too but I thought these were funnier!)

1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "

3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
 
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
 
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
 
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."

10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

Source: BBC news website - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-19316443
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on September 01, 2013, 13:17
I knew I had seen that some where, just could not remember where ::) ::)
To what are you referring here? Not the bit wot I rote - 'cos I did rited it - all by myself too (seriously - I did).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 22, 2013, 08:00
A few from Milton Jones ....

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 22, 2013, 20:26
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Just what I needed, thanks
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 24, 2013, 06:34
Researchers for the Department of Transport found over 200 dead crows near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.  A Bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.  The cause of death appeared to be vehicle impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of lorry kills versus car kills.

The ornithological behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:  when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Car", not a single one could shout "Lorry".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 24, 2013, 09:58
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on September 24, 2013, 10:45
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on September 25, 2013, 19:12
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,

Pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you

Ladies into all kinds of trouble."



The lady starts taking off her knickers but is interrupted by the doctor…………

"No! No! Don't remove your underpants... Just stick out your tongue!" !!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on September 25, 2013, 21:19
 :D :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on September 25, 2013, 22:25
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,

Pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you

Ladies into all kinds of trouble."



The lady starts taking off her knickers but is interrupted by the doctor…………

"No! No! Don't remove your underpants... Just stick out your tongue!" !!!!

You're back then



 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on September 25, 2013, 22:29
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,

Pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you

Ladies into all kinds of trouble."



The lady starts taking off her knickers but is interrupted by the doctor…………

"No! No! Don't remove your underpants... Just stick out your tongue!" !!!!

You're back then



 :lol: :lol: :lol:
I never really went away but I have reduced my time here considerably  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on September 26, 2013, 08:35
During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs,

Pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you

Ladies into all kinds of trouble."



The lady starts taking off her knickers but is interrupted by the doctor…………

"No! No! Don't remove your underpants... Just stick out your tongue!" !!!!

You're back then



 :lol: :lol: :lol:
I never really went away but I have reduced my time here considerably  :)

Not you Sparky  Dugless,he's been on hoilday :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 26, 2013, 19:18
Perhaps he should have another holiday if he's going to come back with jokes like that?  :tongue2: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 27, 2013, 07:13
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
 
The lawyer is thinking that pensioners are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, he asks if the pensioner would like to play a fun game.
 
The pensioner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
 
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00," he says.
 
This catches the pensioner's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
 
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
 
The pensioner doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
 
Now, it's the pensioner's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
 
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
 
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
 
He wakes the pensioner and hands him £500.00. The pensioner pockets the £500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
 
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the pensioner up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
 
The pensioner reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on September 27, 2013, 08:10
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on September 27, 2013, 08:43
Perhaps he should have another holiday if he's going to come back with jokes like that?  :tongue2: :lol: :lol:
how about

 I bought my wife some vanishing cream

It din't work
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 27, 2013, 18:05
Perhaps he should have another holiday if he's going to come back with jokes like that?  :tongue2: :lol: :lol:
how about

 I bought my wife some vanishing cream

It din't work

Depends where you spread it? ;)  Norty Dugless  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on September 27, 2013, 20:51
Apple will be releasing a gadget exclusively for women later in the year its called the iRON :lol:
:lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 08, 2013, 10:39
Just to show that not all utterly inept drivers are female ( 8)) or drive cars.........

LINK (http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302)

(Right from the start look at the scooter near the top middle of screen that starts by running into oncoming (slow) traffic - stick with it because it just gets better!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on October 08, 2013, 12:47
Just to show that not all utterly inept drivers are female ( 8)) or drive cars.........

LINK (http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302)

(Right from the start look at the scooter near the top middle of screen that starts by running into oncoming (slow) traffic - stick with it because it just gets better!)

Think it`s probably best to leave him in there ! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on October 10, 2013, 22:51

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
 
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
 
Amazing!
 
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?  No need to thank me!
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: superpete on October 11, 2013, 01:58
heard this on the radio when Clement Freud recounted a game he played with his elder brother:

 we'd both go into a room with a bottle of scotch.... and when we'd finished the scotch, one of us went out the room and knocked on the door... and the other one would have to try and guess who it was.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 11, 2013, 06:24

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
 
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
 
Amazing!
 
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?  No need to thank me!

Brilliant, Trills! Can I use it elsewhere please?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 11, 2013, 06:28
Just to show that not all utterly inept drivers are female ( 8)) or drive cars.........

LINK (http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302)

(Right from the start look at the scooter near the top middle of screen that starts by running into oncoming (slow) traffic - stick with it because it just gets better!)

Ooooooh, just fabulous, Jay!

Tea-sur-keyboard in exceptional quantities, and you're right, just stick with it to the end...!

...still laughing uncontrollably...

Ha ha ha ha.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 11, 2013, 06:57
A Toyota, racecar and Civic turn up at a velodrome. A cyclist says "This is for bikes, you're thinking of a palindrome."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on October 11, 2013, 10:23
A Toyota, racecar and Civic turn up at a velodrome. A cyclist says "This is for bikes, you're thinking of a palindrome."

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on October 11, 2013, 16:02

Brilliant, Trills! Can I use it elsewhere please?

I don't know where it originated so it's safe to say yes, you can use it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on October 13, 2013, 16:48
Just to show that not all utterly inept drivers are female ( 8)) or drive cars.........

LINK (http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302)

(Right from the start look at the scooter near the top middle of screen that starts by running into oncoming (slow) traffic - stick with it because it just gets better!)

Thank you that really made me laugh,do you think he gave up after that :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 13, 2013, 16:55
Thank you that really made me laugh,do you think he gave up after that :lol:

That probably depends on whether he has been released yet from hospital/prison/secure mental health unit!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on October 13, 2013, 16:57
Or he sobered up/had less rice wine with dinner :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: superpete on October 13, 2013, 23:15
This is an old one - might have seen it before...

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped to 80mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "what the hell am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. "Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving I haven't heard before, you can go" The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: arugula on October 14, 2013, 07:47
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on October 14, 2013, 07:55
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on October 14, 2013, 11:31
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on October 15, 2013, 10:56
Still makes me chuckle.

Completely unrelated but made I laff  Vanessa Feltz on Strictly ITT Monday night (6.30) Wardrobe failure and throwing dummy out of pram.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 19, 2013, 07:19
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 19, 2013, 18:36
Fabulous, Roger!

Ha ha ha!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on October 19, 2013, 19:25
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 20, 2013, 20:44
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

"Drat!", said the Englishman.  "Yingluck has gone home to Bangkok to see her Mum."
So they decided not to wait, and went for a Chinese instead........




I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on October 21, 2013, 14:45
Did they catch him???  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 23, 2013, 06:16
An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Val H on October 24, 2013, 00:12
I like it! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 28, 2013, 18:22
Another one seen on another site .....

A present day Indian Chief sends his young braves out to collect fire wood for the winter.
After a long day the braves ask the chief to inspect their haul and ask if they have collected enough.
No says the chief - we need more.
The next day the braves work until dark and again they ask the chief what he thinks.
The chief telephones the Met office and asks if it is going to be a cold winter.
"Very cold" was the reply.
The next day the braves were sent out again and that night the Chief telephones the Met Office again to ask about the winter. "It is going to be very very cold" was the response.
The braves were sent out again and at the end of the day the Chief inspected their massive haul of wood. He made his call to the Met Office and was told that the winter would be the coldest for 100 years.
The Chief asked the Met office man " How on earth can you accurately predict such a cold winter?"
"We can't" replied the Met Office man "but the Indians have spent all week collecting firewood so it must be going to be a really cold winter."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 10, 2013, 09:23
My sister sent me this - the pun is not dead.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 10, 2013, 09:34
All very good  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 10, 2013, 09:36
All very good  :D

I have some more but it is too cold today to be sitting on the norty step.  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on November 10, 2013, 13:10
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 16, 2013, 06:21
Sad news at the Nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate bars fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the Milkybars are on me" everyone cheered!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on November 16, 2013, 13:36
Re springlands;

Excellent material!

Two comics spring to mind with this brand of humour, Tim Vine and I think his name is Stuart Francis , who is very dry.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on November 16, 2013, 13:53
 
Sad news at the Nestle factory today, a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate bars fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath, he tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the Milkybars are on me" everyone cheered!!!
  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Glosterboy on November 16, 2013, 21:48
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. '
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. '
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on November 22, 2013, 16:30
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.


She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.


In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"


The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."


He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."





 

 

 

 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 25, 2013, 06:33
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A bandit called Rocky, who was crackers, hit a penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband and made his breakaway in a taxi.

Police say Rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland, hobnobbing with a ginger nut drinking bourbon. Unfortunately, they don't have a crumb of evidence so the jammy dodger might get away with it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 25, 2013, 08:41
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on November 25, 2013, 14:28
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on November 26, 2013, 19:56
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"
Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 28, 2013, 21:48
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter,"I bring you Peeking Duck."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on November 28, 2013, 21:50
A social worker from Chicago recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on November 29, 2013, 20:38
A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Olorin2001 on November 30, 2013, 11:10
Just been online to check out the symptoms of 'mid-life crisis'

I ended up buying a Harley.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on November 30, 2013, 12:38
There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A bandit called Rocky, who was crackers, hit a penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband and made his breakaway in a taxi.

Police say Rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland, hobnobbing with a ginger nut drinking bourbon. Unfortunately, they don't have a crumb of evidence so the jammy dodger might get away with it!

Crackers!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 30, 2013, 18:06
Crackers!!  :lol:

Nice !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: fatcat1955 on December 01, 2013, 14:11
Answered a knock on the door last night and there was 2 policeman standing there. The first one held up a photograph and said " Is this your wife"?  I confirmed it was and the second one said "I'm afraid it looks like she has been run over by a bus" " I know"  i said but she is great with the kid's
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 06, 2013, 06:23
A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said...


'Your house'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 06, 2013, 19:37
T'other day amid all the gales a feller lands quite heavily in the riverside park at Ilkley and is laid there in a mess of billowing fabric and strings etc.   A bloke walking his dog stops pretending to pick up his dog's mess and stares at him.
"By gum!" he says.  "You've got some nerve, paragliding in Ilkley in this howling gale!"
The feller looks up at him.  "I'm not paragliding in Ilkley!" he groans weakly.  "I reckon to be camping near Skipton..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on December 07, 2013, 09:03
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: brokenglass on December 09, 2013, 14:26
Paddy asks at the "Movies" for nineteen tickets.   
 "19 of you why 19?"   
"Because it's over 18s only"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 12, 2013, 10:00
Owls aren't as wise as people think .... it should be Tu Whit Tu WHOM !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 12, 2013, 16:34
At an expensive restaurant, a man and an attractive woman were having a candle-lit dinner, when the waiter noticed the man slowly sliding out of his chair and under the table. The woman seemed not to notice as her companion disappeared from view.

"Excuse me madam", the waiter said, "But I think your husband is under the table"!

"No he isn't," the woman replied, eyeing the waiter calmly, "My husband just walked through the door"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on December 12, 2013, 16:52
Teacher is trying to find out if her class knows where their food comes from and asks 'what do we get from chickens?'  Little Johnny at the back puts his hand up and says 'eggs'  'Well done Johnny' says the teacher 'and what do we get from pigs?'  Again Johnny puts up his hand and shouts out 'bacon'.  'Well done Johnny' says the teacher, 'now how about this one, what do we get from cows?' 'Homework' is Johnny's reply.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 14, 2013, 15:22
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c182/G4IAR/1450151_658576730854070_1438063831_n_zps781ade94.jpg) (http://s27.photobucket.com/user/G4IAR/media/1450151_658576730854070_1438063831_n_zps781ade94.jpg.html)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on December 14, 2013, 15:44
DD - no wonder your reindeer has a rather cheeky look on its face.  :lol: :lol: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 17, 2013, 18:47
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat? It's the Milky Baa Kid!

I love wearing cowboy lingerie; the silky bras are on me!

This cowboy hat isn't one of my direct relatives, he's my stet-son.

I had metal stars attached to the back of my boots but I took them off the other day - it was a spur of the moment thing.

I was asked why Big Chief Sitting Bull was in the middle of my allotment - he's my cabbage apache.

(credit to Tim Vine for most of these)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 22, 2013, 07:22
A pantomime horse walks into a bar. Barman says "Pint?" Horse says "No two halves"

Ebenezer Scrooge walks into a Bah, Humbug.

I went to the school's nativity play yesterday - it was a class act!

How do you know if Santa's been in your allotment shed? You've got 3 extra hoes.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 22, 2013, 15:49
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on January 03, 2014, 10:52
Just seen this whilst looking to help
http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=52701.msg895976#msg895976
Hope nobody minds me reposting it. Min I'm still laughing at it thank you
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MickyB on January 03, 2014, 12:25
Brilliant Min200  :lol:

It made me nervous just looking at the photo. A great bit of photo editing - I hope!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Val H on January 07, 2014, 15:10
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on January 07, 2014, 20:14
V good  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 07, 2014, 21:17
Perth, Western Australia
 
An Aussie SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that a man was seen on surveillance cameras putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door.
 
Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back.  The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run off after the stabbing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 12, 2014, 08:20
No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on January 24, 2014, 20:46
I know something similar to this has been posted before but this gave me a well needed laugh and could imagine the men in my life saying these!

Sorry about the capitals, I copy and pasted it!

MAN RULES

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 25, 2014, 06:42
Tools Explained... TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM
 
CIRCULAR SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
 
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh s**t'.
 
 
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 
MULTI-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 
VICE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shed and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!
 
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brakes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the car.
 
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also good for Digit Removal.
 
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the dodo you forgot to disconnect.
 
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
 
PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
 
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
 
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 
The Fing Hell Tool:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Fing Hell' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on January 25, 2014, 09:08
All so true Growster!  :lol:

A couple of additions if I may be so bold:

Screwdriver with interchangeable bits:
This clever device has a selection of cross-head and straight bits handily stored in a rubber holder around the shaft, thus ensuring that you will never find the correct one for the job and can therefore drastically reduce the time it takes to strip the screw head. It is also good for improving back mobility because the spare bits keep falling out of the holder onto the floor, although eventually of course you will lose all but the most useless and damaged one.
Eventually the magnet holding the bits into the socket gives up the ghost, meaning that you can only use the tool upside down, which is great for fitting ceiling lights but considerably more awkward for other tasks.

Spanners:
Old-fashioned tools which were very popular before the invention of mole grips and parrot-jaw pliers. Available in a range of metric and imperial sizes, which guarantees you will never find the right one for the nut in question. Box spanners are useful if you are in a particular hurry to round the edges off a nut whilst leaving it resolutely un-loosened, and as a bonus there is every chance you will get to play doctors and nurses when the spanner flies off at the instant you apply maximum leverage.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: danny1936 on January 25, 2014, 11:51
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told
there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 25, 2014, 13:38
A few belated additions found in the HGB toolbox...

Soldering Iron (1):
Device for adding stylish metallic beads to your clothes without the faff of sewing.

Soldering Iron (2):
Reflex testing device to see if when you inadvertently knock it off the bench you can stop yourself automatically catching it in your bare hand.

Electric Paint Stripper:
Tool that puts out a blast of superheated air aimed at causing oil based gloss paints to bubble and melt and also causing other half to get cross when you try to use it for a fast defrost of the freezer and accidentally melt it all so the shelves no longer fit and the door won't close.

Micrometer:
This tool allows you to express to a very high degree of numerical accuracy your high degree of cutting size inaccuracy .

Vice:
Pleasurable activity, may be illegal in some areas.

Torque Wrench:
A tool (purchased by Dad at a 1940s jumble sale and last calibrated in 1932) with an archaic scale,  effective in illustrating incompetence at attempted conversion to modern units through back of an envelope arithmetic, proved by stripping through over-torque a fastening that has been obsolete for more than fifty years and for which you do not have a spare.

Bradawl:
Pointed hand tool for 'starting' a hole for a woodscrew that is always exactly 1.38 mm away from the marked dot you meant it to be at.

Rip saw :
Saw cutting so rapidly that it zips through the workpiece and bites into other half's favourite antique table that workpiece is resting on seeing as you were too idle to bother getting out the workbench.  *ahem*
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on January 25, 2014, 15:06
Rip saws sound as if they are expensive in the long run although they may be cheap enough to buy  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on January 25, 2014, 16:51
Hmm, my fridge does need defrosting ...  ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 26, 2014, 06:22
There is always the lino cutting tool, which makes interesting cuts and marks on the palms of ones hands!

As for a rip saw, in an emergency, I had to cut a metal sheet sample for a client some years ago, wearing my best suit for a presentation later on that morning.

The meeting went well, until I leaned back in my chair, only to expose my right sock, which had been burnt to a crisp, and on trying to pull it up, it became detached altogether...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on January 27, 2014, 13:13
There is always the lino cutting tool, which makes interesting cuts and marks on the palms of ones hands!

As for a rip saw, in an emergency, I had to cut a metal sheet sample for a client some years ago, wearing my best suit for a presentation later on that morning.

The meeting went well, until I leaned back in my chair, only to expose my right sock, which had been burnt to a crisp, and on trying to pull it up, it became detached altogether...
:lol: :lol: :lol: Presumably you threw away the sock because the matching one had disappeared into a black hole and went in a different time and space zone via the washing machine? May I just mention the various devices such as masking tape and other plasticky products used to stop paint getting onto bits you don't want painting. In my exhaustive experience, I have saved lost of money by not buying them, and have relied on my own steady hand, after a few tinctures of course, by which time I have lost the plot, don't care, "will scrape it off in the morning" - but actually - I am a damn good painter and can do it without any unnecessary aids. As to getting the said paint of the hands and fingers....!! As to using my OH's best screwdriver to prise the lid off a paint can - cue a BIG slap and retrieving said lid which has fallen upside down onto the newly-cleaned paving flags. Bummox!!  :mad: >:( :wacko: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on January 28, 2014, 15:26
Spirit level
used exclusively to show how far off the level that new shelf is. By 'apparently' staring at the bubble in the spirit level, one gains enough time to invent the excuse for having put the shelf up wonky, for example, 'It's an optical illusion - none of the walls are straight in this house'  :nowink:

Electrical wiring/pipework detector
A novel device that, when used properly, leads one to a false sense of safety, followed by a reassuringly expensive repair bill and a comfortable trip in an ambulance to A&E. After all, it didn't bleep when I moved the detector over the wall so it must be safe to drive a screw/drill bit into the wall right there.

Tile cutter
This 'simple to operate' machine does exactly what it says - it cuts tiles to any shape or size except the shape or size that you need. millimetre inaccuracy is guaranteed. (Invented by the manufacturers of tiles in order to boost tile sales)

Tool instruction leaflets
No one has any real idea what these are for. There is a theory that they are some sort of extra padding against damage when the tools are in transit. Others believe that they are provided for people to write on. You will note that there is just enough room in the margins of a leaflet for that all-important pencil drawing /measurements/list of things you need from BnQ to finish the job. In any case, DIYers often keep these leaflets in a drawer for many years, just in case.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on January 28, 2014, 16:02
Pointing trowel:
Mostly used by gardeners, many of whom swear by it and own no other tool.

Is reputed to have a secondary use relating to brickwork, and is indeed very handy for smearing a thin layer of mortar over previously virgin bricks, and also applying even larger quantities to one's trousers and shoes (safety tip: when pointing large areas of brickwork keep moving, especially if using quick-setting mortar.)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MalcW on January 28, 2014, 16:31
Spirit level
used exclusively to show how far off the level that new shelf is. By 'apparently' staring at the bubble in the spirit level, one gains enough time to invent the excuse for having put the shelf up wonky, for example, 'It's an optical illusion - none of the walls are straight in this house'  :nowink:

A) I thought this was a measure of how one is feeling; usually simplified to 'High', and 'Low' spirits.
B) It can also refer to the level of alcohol in a glass. The result of this may also have an effect on 'A'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on January 28, 2014, 18:39
We women also have some very interesting tools.
My mom used to buy cheap irons from the market years ago.
They were quite exciting to use, as the factories where they were made were short of insulation.
The wires were usually exposed, and not fixed together very well, resulting in crackling noises and pretty blue sparks flying.
My mom realised that it was too dangerous for me, as a small child, to be trusted with ironing dad's shirts so she used to give me damp handkerchiefs to practice on.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on January 29, 2014, 14:24
We women also have some very interesting tools.
We do indeed aubah. I have one of those stainless steel gardening dibbers/seedling lifters and it has been incredibly useful for jobs such as smoothing polyfilla (instead of using a finger when I then have to chisel it out of my finger nail), removing old pointing from between paving flags then pressing down the new pointing (read the previous problem again), levering lids off paint cans, scraping stuff out from tight corners when cleaning, prodding woodwork for rot, prodding old render when looking for water ingress, various stirring activities and I wouldn't be without it - also, despite all it has been put to, it hasn't bent at all! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on January 29, 2014, 15:26
Knitting needles, coat hangers, and hooks for making rugs, can come in useful for all sorts of tasks too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on January 29, 2014, 15:43
Knitting needles - very useful for scraping out soil deposits from around a drainage flagstone. We're not daft are we!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on January 29, 2014, 19:52
A crochet hook is very handy for getting the meat out of a crabs claw. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on January 29, 2014, 22:10
A crochet hook is very handy for getting the meat out of a crabs claw. :D

 I thought it was a wrestling or boxing move?!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: brokenglass on January 30, 2014, 15:37
Sponsoring Schools

I see that Ikea are sponsoring some Schools in the UK they are slick, fashionable and cheap but assembly can take all day!

I'll groan for you
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 30, 2014, 16:59
A crochet hook is very handy for getting the meat out of a crabs claw. :D

 I thought it was a wrestling or boxing move?!

Ha ha ha, Chrysalis!

Kent Walton - er well, you can't eat your heart out now can you, but we still remember you..;0]
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 06, 2014, 12:39
Shotgun wedding: - A case of wife or death.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: superpete on February 13, 2014, 15:57
BXhCvytOHHc
VwSBmwQDnUI
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 14, 2014, 06:29
Young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub.

He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.

"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says " I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sarajane on February 19, 2014, 22:04
A crochet hook is very handy for getting the meat out of a crabs claw. :D

...and for getting the hair/gunk out of the bath/shower plug hole  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 19, 2014, 22:07
eugh  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 20, 2014, 00:46
Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 20, 2014, 20:20
Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"

Ha ha ha, Paul, very local!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 21, 2014, 01:24
HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 21, 2014, 08:15
HE MUST PAY

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
How true the saying "if you want to know what your wife will be like when she gets older look at her Mother" :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 21, 2014, 14:48
Careful, boys! :tongue2:

Remember, us girls mostly control the washing and ironing - so easy to make everything pink.... ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on February 21, 2014, 20:35
Careful, boys! :tongue2:

Remember, us girls mostly control the washing and ironing - so easy to make everything pink.... ;)

Or we can add lots and lots of starch.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on February 22, 2014, 14:03
... or find the missing sock...!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 23, 2014, 15:24
this (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Black-Plastic-Water-Butts-Connector-Link-Linking-Kit-Fittings-Fits-Ward-/221226639741?pt=UK_Home_Garden_Garden_Plants_Bird_Bath_Feeder_CV&hash=item338222a17d)
made me laugh .... perhaps I'll buy one  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 23, 2014, 15:59
this (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Black-Plastic-Water-Butts-Connector-Link-Linking-Kit-Fittings-Fits-Ward-/221226639741?pt=UK_Home_Garden_Garden_Plants_Bird_Bath_Feeder_CV&hash=item338222a17d)
made me laugh .... perhaps I'll buy one  ::)
you would either have to have won the lottery or had a senior moment of madness. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 23, 2014, 17:07
 :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:

That's one expensive butt (excuse my French!)!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on February 24, 2014, 20:41
That translates as ' not in stock at the mo but do not want to lose listing by removing from for sale ' . ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on February 25, 2014, 09:49
Got this via email today
Not PC but funny none the less
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 25, 2014, 10:20


Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
..........................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
..........................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a  gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft *!"
..........................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell bum cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
..........................................................................




 



 



 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on February 25, 2014, 15:07
Thank you Dugless. Those jokes have absolutely made my day.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on February 26, 2014, 08:07
 :lol: :lol: new ones to me & I'm from Yorkshire,I take it you're not Dugless :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 26, 2014, 13:26
:lol: :lol: new ones to me & I'm from Yorkshire,I take it you're not Dugless :D

I received an email with the same jokes.... via Sydney (Australia!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 26, 2014, 17:04
:lol: :lol: new ones to me & I'm from Yorkshire,I take it you're not Dugless :D

I received an email with the same jokes.... via Sydney (Australia!)
They do get around don't they
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 27, 2014, 06:49
Auld fella walking alongside canal and sees a nine-year old lad fair crying his eyes out.

"Wot's tha cryin' fer, young un?"
Through sniffles and bawling, little lad manages to say "A've loss me mate. Me mate fell in t'canal" and point about tree feet in front of him.
"By 'eck" says fella and without further ado, strips off his jacket and shoes then jumps into the canal. After few minutes he splashed to side and says, "'Ow old was tha mate?"
By this time, lad had stopped howling and watched the auld fella fair dumbstruck. "Wot's that mean, 'ow old?"
"Thy mate" said fella, "'ow old were 'e? Wor 'e a big lad?"
Little lad scowled at the old man, "Nah! Tha daft bat. Not me mate - me mate outa me saniches".



They've found a new way of taking Ecstasy in the clubs around Yorkshire.

Apparently you inject it into your mouth!

It's called "E by gum"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I don't know why everyone is suddenly talking about Twerking. My mate from Yorkshire has been doing it for years.

As he says, it's how he gets t'money t'pay t'bills



A comedy club in North Yorkshire burned down last night.

There's no smirk without fire.



My favourite phrase from Yorkshire would have to be 'Tin tin tin',

Which of course is literally translated as; 'It isn't in the tin'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on February 27, 2014, 06:51
 A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his  cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow’s noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?"

Wait for it,……….."That was Thora Hird."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: danny1936 on February 27, 2014, 07:50
A love story!
 
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in saskatoon the judge asked her, 'what did you steal?'
She replied, 'a can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches.
And she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, '6.'
The judge said, 'then i will give you 6 days in jail.'
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, 'what is it?'
The husband said, 'she stole a can of peas, too.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Val H on February 28, 2014, 00:36
Skelmanthorpe - A true story. Many centuries ago (circa 1975) I hitched a lift to Huddersfield. Got on a bus for Skelmanthorpe and asked to be dropped at the Three Horse Shoes. Driver was confused to say the least and eventually came up with you mean the Three Hoss shoes Shat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 28, 2014, 06:47
In recognition of Global Scouse Day (today according to Pause for Thought on Radio 2 this morning) ......

I took a Scouse multiple choice quiz the other day. It was dead easy, the answers were: A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A, A...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on February 28, 2014, 10:37
Got this via email today
Not PC but funny none the less

Hmmm....  Fairly puerile I'd say, cadalot  ::)

Watch out I'm sure you'll be on a "list" now  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on February 28, 2014, 13:52
Got this via email today
Not PC but funny none the less

Hmmm....  Fairly puerile I'd say, cadalot  ::)

Watch out I'm sure you'll be on a "list" now  ::)

What can I say "I'm in touch with my inner child" which is a whole better than being in touch with someone else's  :nowink: Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink Know what I mean Vicar  :D

And I'm sure I'm on a list of people with wicked sense of humour who will not be PC'ed to death
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on February 28, 2014, 15:32
You're on that list too? Well - I'll go to the 0.30480m of our in-house construction designed to allow me to ascend a large vertical distance by using smaller vertical distances!   :lol: :nowink: And you say you have a wicked sense of humour!!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on February 28, 2014, 15:53
GG Love it - Well I ended up at the foot of my stairs laughing

But can you tell me why am I always the one that end up in excrement street without an implement for propelling oneself forward on here ??
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 28, 2014, 16:24
Cos not many others put a toe into non PC waters  :lol:

You know you're doing it, so what else do you expect  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 28, 2014, 17:16
Cos not many others put a toe into non PC waters  :lol:


You know you're doing it, so what else do you expect  :nowink:
Got this via email today
Not PC but funny none the less

Hmmm....  Fairly puerile I'd say, cadalot  ::)

Watch out I'm sure you'll be on a "list" now  ::)

What can I say "I'm in touch with my inner child" which is a whole better than being in touch with someone else's  :nowink: Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink Know what I mean Vicar  :D

And I'm sure I'm on a list of people with wicked sense of humour who will not be PC'ed to death

Been there done that got the scars


edit to clarify quotes
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 01, 2014, 01:43
Cadalot - I don't think making jokes about Thora Hird is funny regardless of how PC or not!!

Now I don't mind jokes about frozen cows but since we moved to Wales, just be careful what you say about sheep.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on March 01, 2014, 07:31
OK John - Just don't come home to a real home fire - Do they still do that over there to the English?

Wales where Men are Men and the Sheep are scared  :ohmy:
Goes into Gollum mode talking to self " but Master said DON'T mention sheep

You know why they mark the sheep with paint John don't you?
They are the ones that kick  :nowink:
Bad Cadalot Master said DON'T mention sheep

I have a mate from Wales and his girlfriends name is Baarrrrrrr.. bara
Bad Bad Cadalot , go look for the Ring (now really not thinking about sheep honest)

I will draw the line at the one about the Wellies as I don't want to get excluded from the forum  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 01, 2014, 08:34
OK John - Just don't come home to a real home fire - Do they still do that over there to the English?

Wales where Men are Men and the Sheep are scared  :ohmy:
Goes into Gollum mode talking to self " but Master said DON'T mention sheep

You know why they mark the sheep with paint John don't you?
They are the ones that kick  :nowink:
Bad Cadalot Master said DON'T mention sheep

I have a mate from Wales and his girlfriends name is Baarrrrrrr.. bara
Bad Bad Cadalot , go look for the Ring (now really not thinking about sheep honest)

I will draw the line at the one about the Wellies as I don't want to get excluded from the forum  :D
Thin ice comes to mind.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on March 01, 2014, 09:30
Thin ice comes to mind.

Dugless it wasn't me, I used to have a split personality until the doctor cured us
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 01, 2014, 10:13
Having allowed some stereotypical Welsh sheep jokes...

How do you know an Englishman has an inferiority complex? He considers some foreigners may almost be his equal.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on March 01, 2014, 12:19
Thin ice comes to mind.

Dugless it wasn't me, I used to have a split personality until the doctor cured us
I used to be paranoid until - WHO SAID THAT???  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on March 03, 2014, 17:54
Nicked off ceeyewenti on the Guardian website, but topical so...

"Dad why is my brother called George?"
"Cos he was born on St George's day"
"Dad why is my brother called David?"
"Cos he was born on St David's day"
"Dad.."
"Oh for crying out loud, enough with the questions, Pancake."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 04, 2014, 06:31
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on March 08, 2014, 21:14
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on March 09, 2014, 08:47
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Wow! Are your fingers worn out DD! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on March 09, 2014, 15:25
Not really.

Had the help of my two friends. Mr Copy and Mrs Paste!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 10, 2014, 21:35
Saw this during the afternoon and thought 'will read this later'   Excellent!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 17, 2014, 07:56
I was talking to a Chinese fella at work the other day, he said he was opening a crows shop.

A "clothes shop" I asked him, no he says it's a crows shop!

Come in and have a rook.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Asherweef on March 17, 2014, 09:04
I was talking to a Chinese fella at work the other day, he said he was opening a crows shop.

A "clothes shop" I asked him, no he says it's a crows shop!

Come in and have a rook.

This is going down as a favourite!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 18, 2014, 13:12

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine  : 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humour.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on March 18, 2014, 14:24
I like it Mr G :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 21, 2014, 14:13
Inconclusive travel plans for 2014
 
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I have been in Deepsh*t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on March 21, 2014, 14:52
 :lol: :lol: :lol: I, too, have various experiences to share on this theme as I have been to:
Incommunicado - I don't know where it was but it was an extremely peaceful place.
Flippin' fed up - it's a new-fangled diet thing when you either eat or you don't - either way, nothing works.
Going nowhere - I thought it was a firm specializing in mystery tours which left the "k" out of nowhere and told you at the last minute where you were bound for, but no - they didn't turn up and I was left in the same place where I started out from.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on March 21, 2014, 17:05
Inconclusive travel plans for 2014
 
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

I have been in Deepsh*t many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there.
mailed to all my friends  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 28, 2014, 07:50
A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
   
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
   
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece  of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it. 
   
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it 
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
   
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he 
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.'
   
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 28, 2014, 08:41
 :lol: :lol: Good'un !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 28, 2014, 13:41

 I  have a little Satnav
 
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
 
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
 
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
 
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
 
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the * off!


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on March 28, 2014, 17:21
Classic and OH so true  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on March 28, 2014, 18:28
Apart from the final stanza, it fits my male OH.  :nowink:

C
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 28, 2014, 18:56
Glad I am not the only one that has one of those. :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 28, 2014, 19:42
Brilliant, love it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 29, 2014, 15:31
The Love of Sharing Equally

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on March 29, 2014, 18:34

 I  have a little Satnav
 
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
 
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
 
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
 
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
 
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the * off!
Love it!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

The other one was great fun too :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Trillium on March 31, 2014, 16:10
An oldy but still valid:

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that,
as women grow older, it becomes harder for
them to maintain the same quality of house
keeping as when they were younger. When
this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing
worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled
this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired
a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to
get a full-time job, along with her part-time job,
both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed.  Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the
same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost
always says she has to rest for half an hour or so
before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table.  I generally have
lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not
an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some
home-cooked food when I walk through that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several
times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to
motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find
time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but
chaps, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush
so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
now and then would help her figure. I like to think tact is
one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was
only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a
scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax
for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience &
consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not
impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating
women get as they get older.  However, Chaps, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that
writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
earth to help each other.
****************************************************************

Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing
this letter. The police report says he was found with a
Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club
jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing.
A sledge hammer was laying nearby.

His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The
all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty",
accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on March 31, 2014, 16:45
Yup - I was sitting on that jury  - she was most definitely telling the truth.  :lol: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on March 31, 2014, 19:13
Yes as her defence lawyer I knew in an instant how distraught she was at his sudden accident that couldn't have been avoided.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on March 31, 2014, 21:55
That's a brilliant one Trills!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on March 31, 2014, 23:13
 

cid:image003.jpg@01CC3A43.C823C8F0


With breathless anticipation the crowd awaits the unveiling of the
                           Tony Blair Statue.
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on April 02, 2014, 09:06
The wife and I walked past a new swanky restaurant
she said did you just smell that food it was incredible
Being the good Yorkshire man I am
I thought Bu*** it I'll give her a treat

SO WE WALKED PAST IT AGAIN
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on April 02, 2014, 14:09
Having just got Roy Orbison's Greatest Hits CD, I just have to share this with you!
XJj2ei6WNQsGG x
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on April 03, 2014, 12:54
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered.

 

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the lamp post.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. Have I sent this message to you before or did I get it from you?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on April 03, 2014, 13:09
Don't ask me - I don't even remember what the question was!  :lol: Re- was there a question?  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on April 03, 2014, 23:37
Sparkyrog - an excellent piece . The question I ask myself is why can't I find these gems!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on April 05, 2014, 10:21
Oh my goodness, Sparky! That cap fits my head, all right.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on April 09, 2014, 09:42

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

 

 

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens

at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

 

 

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl

to test the strength of the windshields.

 

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it

on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

 

 

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

 

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,

blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two

and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

 

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,

along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

 

 

You're going to love this......

 

 

 

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

 

 

"Defrost the chicken."


 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on April 09, 2014, 10:12
saw them re-create this on mythbusters so yes strange but true  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on April 13, 2014, 09:51
I am still chuckling over it, seems common sense has been lost over there as well. :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on April 25, 2014, 06:24
(http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c182/G4IAR/moth_zps9207da2d.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 04, 2014, 08:12
As today is Star Ways Day .....

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant and Luke’s having trouble.
Finally, Obi-Wan says, “Use the forks, Luke.”

Darth Vader and Luke.
Suddenly in the middle of the fight, Darth Vader pulls Luke to him, and whispers “I know what you’re getting for Christmas!”
Luke exclaims “But how??!?”
“It’s true Luke, *breath* I know what you’re getting for Christmas.”
Luke tries to ignore this, but tears himself free, screaming “How could you know this?!”
Vader replies, “I felt your presents.”

What's for dinner Dad?
 - Wookie Steak
Is it any good?
 - It's a little chewy

Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?
Because he keeps making new friends.

Why should you never tell jokes on the Falcon?
The ship might crack up.

“What’s the difference between a lightsaber and a wookiee?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’d be a fine one to send after my lightsaber.”

Yoda and Obi-Wan walked into a bar and bought a 5 dollar drink.
Yoda, seeing that he only had 4 dollars asked Obi-Wan, “Have a dollar do you? A little short I am.”

Two droids were talking.
One says to the other, “Did you beat the Wookiee at Dejarikk?”
And the other answers, “Yes, but it cost me an arm and a leg.”

If you don't like Star Wars puns, you just read this for Alderaan reasons.

May the 4th be with you ....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on May 04, 2014, 10:15
NASA spent millions of dollars developing a pen that can write vertically, horizontally, in vacuum, and underwater.

The Russians used a pencil.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 07, 2014, 05:26
My doctor says I have a German sausage phobia - I fear the wurst!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on May 07, 2014, 06:00
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on May 07, 2014, 18:22
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 08, 2014, 06:22
Mummy, Daddy, and baby mole are sitting in a hole, Daddy mole sticks his head out the hole and says "I smell Honey". Then Mummy mole squeezes her nose out next to him, sniffs the air and says "Thats not honey, that's maple syrup". Next Baby mole tries to fit his nose out the hole but can't and says"all I smell is molasses"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on May 08, 2014, 07:44
I like it  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on May 08, 2014, 10:57
That took me a moment or two!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 08, 2014, 22:05
Very good , but I had to read it twice!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 08, 2014, 23:56
That took me a moment or two!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Me too!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on May 09, 2014, 16:51
Paddy and Murphy are working at a sawmill, and when they heard that one of their coleagues had succesfully claimed for loss of hearing, they decided to have a go.

They wait in the doctor's surgery to be called in to see him, and Murphy gets called in first. He opens the door and walks in. The doctor says: "Close the door and take a seat."

Murphy does as he's asked and sits down.

"Now before you start,' says the doctor, "I just asked you to shut the door and sit down, which is exactly what you did, so I hope you're not coming here to claim that you're deaf?"

Gutted, Murphy walks out without another word. Paddy asks how it went, and Murphy says: "Not good at all. When you go in there he'll ask you to shut the door. Don't do it!"

Paddy goes in next, and the doctor says: "Close the door and take a seat."

Paddy looks at him and says: "Close the damn thing yourself!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 10, 2014, 23:16
PC Plod is walking along the pavement when he spots a £20 note, picks it up and looks round but can't see anyone. He carries on and spots another £20, again he checks sees no one so again he carries on and sees another £20 . This time he sees an little old lady carrying two dust bin bags over her shoulder walking ahead . Another £20 falls out of one of the bags. Seeing this ,PC Plod catches her up.

"Excuse me , Madam, I've noticed that you are dropping this money out of the bin bag"
"Oh dear me" she replies "there's a hole in my bag, thank you officer"
" That's ok"  He assures her

He ponders for a moment, " Pardon me for asking, but why have you got a bag full of £20 notes?

Well, officer, it's like this. I'm taking the money to the childrens hospital to help their fund raising.

"How wonderful!" He replies,  "How do you manage that on a pension?"

"It's like this , officer,  My garden backs onto a golf course and every so often the golfers use a hole in my fence and 'water' my roses, which as you might guess I was getting a bit fed up with.

"So I decided to wait quietly by the hole with my hedge trimmer and when the next golfer gets caught short and decides to 'water' my roses, I say "You owe me £20 "

"Well,Well, Well"  say's PC Plod " I must say I admire your ingenuity, and I must add that you are doing it for such a worthy cause"   "I'll be on my way"

PC Plod turns to walk away, stops , and thinks for a moment.

"Hold on a moment, what's in the other bag?"

" Oh, that's simple"   the old lady replies.


"Not every one Pays!"   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on May 11, 2014, 19:27
Ouch!! :lol: :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 13, 2014, 05:37
And God promised man that good and obedient women would be found in all corners of the world ................ then he made the earth round and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 13, 2014, 06:08
Love it  :nowink: the wife said

When God created Man
She was only joking !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on May 13, 2014, 17:44
The man next door is stealing my Milk and Cheese.
I thought."How Dairy" ??? ??? :D

Source;
CBBC
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 13, 2014, 17:55
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 14, 2014, 19:25
A piece of string with a perm goes into a pub and orders a pint.
When the landlord asks for the money, the piece of string says "how about a bet? If you can guess what I am I'll pay double, if not I get it for free?"
The landlord says "Ok I'm up for that, you are a piece of string"
The piece of string says "ohh you were close, I'm a piece of string with a perm".
The landlord is not pleased but honours the bet.
 
The next night the piece of string goes into a different pub in the same town and orders a pint.
When the landlord asks for the money, the piece of string says "how about a bet? If you can guess what I am I'll pay double, if not I get it for free?"
The landlord says "Ok I'm up for that, you are a piece of string"
The piece of string says "ohh you were close, I'm a piece of string with a perm".
The landlord is not very happy at all but lets him have the pint for free.
 
Unfortunately for the piece of string the pub landlords in this town actually talk to each other and word gets around
 
The next night the piece of string tries his luck in a different pub.
When the landlord asks for the money, the piece of string says "how about a bet? If you can guess what I am I'll pay double, if not I get it for free?"
The landlord says "Ok I'm up for that, you are a piece of string with a perm"
 
The piece of string says " No sorry, I'm afraid not"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on May 14, 2014, 19:27
 :lol: Had to read the punch line twice.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on May 14, 2014, 19:56
me too  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on May 14, 2014, 20:01
Oh dear, I had to read it three times  :wub: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 14, 2014, 20:01
I'm knot getting it  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 14, 2014, 21:32
Oh yes you are  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 18, 2014, 06:32
I've had to stop eating alphabet soup - my Doctor says I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on May 18, 2014, 06:39
 :lol:

Wipes coffee off keyboard  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on May 19, 2014, 15:49
I've had to stop eating alphabet soup - my Doctor says I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome

Brilliant.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 19, 2014, 16:03
i bought some aftershave with a credit card the other week,since then there has been loads of dodgy transactions,
it appears my card has been cologned  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on May 19, 2014, 20:21
i bought some aftershave with a credit card the other week,since then there has been loads of dodgy transactions,
it appears my card has been cologned  ;)

Dave, they get worse.............Groan.
Welcome back mate! :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 20, 2014, 16:30
cheers nigel old boy how you been ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 20, 2014, 21:22
I am surprised how easy it is to forget people that  are prominent then disappear. looking back there are quite a lot of them, in fact I was one that did just that for a time.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 21, 2014, 07:26
A carrier is someone who doesn't show symptoms of a disease but can pass it on to people they come into contact with.
for example David Cameron is a carrier of tourettes
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on May 21, 2014, 22:09
Norty!! :lol: :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 22, 2014, 00:34
A carrier is someone who doesn't show symptoms of a disease but can pass it on to people they come into contact with.
for example David Cameron is a carrier of tourettes

In view of tomorrow's elections I think I should point out that the official policy of this site is that all the party leaders are equally lame :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 22, 2014, 05:00
A carrier is someone who doesn't show symptoms of a disease but can pass it on to people they come into contact with.
for example David Cameron is a carrier of tourettes

In view of tomorrow's elections I think I should point out that the official policy of this site is that all the party leaders are equally lame :)
I agree  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 22, 2014, 13:49
I've had to stop eating alphabet soup - my Doctor says I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome

Brilliant.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 23, 2014, 06:32
Little Johnny's teacher asked all the children to bring something in a brown paper bag the next day, and she would guess what it was. Lots of children brought cakes, and fruit etc.

Johnny arrived with a bag, which appeared to be leaking a little, so the teacher touched the drips with her finger and tasted them several times.

'Is it a lemon Johnny?', she said.

'No Miss'.

'Is it something from your garden then?'

'No Miss'.

'Well, I give up, what is it then Johnny?'

'It's a little puppy Miss!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on May 25, 2014, 20:06
**Sky Breaking news**

An Irish man who took Ryanair to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: theothermarg on May 26, 2014, 06:58
 :D :D
marg
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on May 27, 2014, 20:43
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?





Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on May 28, 2014, 08:28
did you know that the female praying mantis devours the male within minutes of mating.

whereas human females prefer to stretch it over a life time
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on May 28, 2014, 08:32
did you know that the female praying mantis devours the male within minutes of mating.

whereas human females prefer to stretch it over a life time

As is only right :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on May 28, 2014, 08:40
did you know that the female praying mantis devours the male within minutes of mating.

whereas human females prefer to stretch it over a life time

As is only right :lol:
:lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on May 29, 2014, 20:47
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 29, 2014, 21:21
Tomorrow I would like to post a really, really, really long joke.
When I say really, really, really long, it'll take 15mins at least to read & is likely to cover a couple of pages.

Should I post it or will everyone hate me  :unsure:

I guess at least one mod will have to read it in it's entirety  :lol: :lol:....it's well worth it though  :D

So what do you think.............post or not?..........it's not rude......it doesn't contain any swearing...........it might make you cross though  :mad: >:(..........but only for a short while  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 29, 2014, 21:32
I smell a very long shaggy dog story is on it's way  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 29, 2014, 21:37
I smell a very long shaggy dog story is on it's way  :ohmy:

You're right.......I just didn't want to end up on the norty step......again :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 30, 2014, 05:59
Apple have spent 3 billion dollars purchasing beats...

Oh dear!...It's parsnips, turnips and cabbages I've been growing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 30, 2014, 11:31
OK, so because there haven't been any objections, you were warned  :D

Just spare yourself the time to read it all, you won't really "get/appreciate" the punch line if you don't......honest  :lol: :lol:

It'll only take you 15 mins.......or there abouts :D

Don't be cross with me.......my nephew sent it to me.........it was revenge for my "squid" joke.......I might post that up later  :lol:


Looks like it will have to be several posts........ :lol: :lol: max length allowed is 20000 characters  :lol: :lol:


THE LONGEST JOKE IN THE WORLD

So there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great
fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock,
and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers
anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents
had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no
idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about
30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how
dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight,
he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on
some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an
umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade,
pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that
desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like
it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison
to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking
at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That
means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But
he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or
two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures
that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed
was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and
that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills,
and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that
he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits
a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb,
or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his
mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find
water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't
wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a
large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke
finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper
fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten
to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the
sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he
struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is
sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees
the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes,
more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off,
and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark -
darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it,
but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell
from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his
body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down
- like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff,
before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers
his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are
so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone,
in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead,
doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on
the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably
in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and
just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women
carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then
he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You
do not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying
of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little
straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it
in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment,
then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and
pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows
it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker,
hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try
asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way
I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer
thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this
sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath
him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system
with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it,
but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the
wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two,
if you drank enough of it."

..........to be continued
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 30, 2014, 11:33
Part II


"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at
his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake
emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a
second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having
a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you
really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And,
what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in
wiper fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath
and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing
that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so
you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little
nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are
you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can
I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to
yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you
ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that
matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and
then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But
what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still
could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my
opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time,
barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from
accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey,
it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt
to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach,
Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans
have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one
my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it
already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit
with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something
instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand
up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped
around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main
branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done
- it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back
and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,"
said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going
to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind
that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have
been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a
'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened
his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended
into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed
to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far
as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole,
but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call
it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper,
ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up
and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does
it really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad,
there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the
rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't
think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless
they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be
bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why
in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to
want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time
or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled
at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit,
and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

To be continued...........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 30, 2014, 11:35
Part III

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom,
Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him,
maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder
at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned
to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening
up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the
moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the
rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt
the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening
to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while
he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I
pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw
a rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone
by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him
that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so
they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early
and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind,
but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago
he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was
his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they
always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever,
though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book
store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid
any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake
would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location
to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom
he 'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel
in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit
Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack,
and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence,
sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around,
and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have
that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't
even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah,
I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that
was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is
my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want
to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this -
probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like
to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or
two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could
understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What
do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days,
so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going
out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make
it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years
Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about
their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world,
and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as
Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in
a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden,
even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries,
Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people
that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to
prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and
Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack
that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his
dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan
and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting
lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he
was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent
enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure
the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to
spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve,
he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going
to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They
ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then
they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight
of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into
the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing
the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving
the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes,
Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first
one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving
on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having
to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control
each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had
come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The
RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the
brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading
for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If
Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little
bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around
the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone,
waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the
lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was
already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand
and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever
to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized
the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "Better nate than lever,"
he ran over the snake.


 :lol: :mad: :mad:
       
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 30, 2014, 17:42
Doh! Didn't see that coming at all  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 30, 2014, 19:56
A man is walking down the street holding a penguin under his arm, When he meets a friend going the other way.

'What are you doing with that penguin?' his friend says.

'Well I just found it outside my house, I don't know what to do with it!'

'Why don't you take it to the zoo?' she says.

'Brilliant! I hadn't thought of that.' And they go their separate ways.

The next day the man is walking along the same street with the penguin under his arm again, and he sees his friend coming the other way.

'I thought you were going to take it to the zoo?' she asks.

'I did' replies the man. 'It loved it. We're going to the cinema this afternoon!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on May 30, 2014, 20:02
Oh my goodness. That is one truly groan-worthy shaggy dog story (the three-parter, not the penguin story).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on May 30, 2014, 22:55
The start of chrisnchris's joke reminded me of one I loved as a child which I will tell as well as I can remember:

A man got lost walking through the desert.  He became desperate for water in the hot sun, just as he thought he was about to pass out from the heat he saw a market.

He went up to the first stall holder and asked "do you have any water?".  The stall holder said "no, I only sell cake and jelly".

He asked the second stall holder "Do you have any water?" he replied "no, I only sell custard and hundreds and thousands"

He asked the third stall holder "Do you have any water?" and the reply was "no, I only sell cream and strawberries"

As the man walked away he thought "well that was a trifle bizarre"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 31, 2014, 07:56
They seem to be getting worse  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on May 31, 2014, 08:03
Chrisnchris hooked me into reading the mega shaggy dog story and then I had to get to the end.  It did take about 15 minutes  ::)  :lol:

I liked the trifle bizarre one  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 31, 2014, 11:37
They seem to be getting worse  :ohmy:

Is that possible?  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 31, 2014, 12:40
They seem to be getting worse  :ohmy:

Is that possible?  :D

It is possible .... the german sausage jokes are the wurst
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 31, 2014, 13:11
*groan*
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 31, 2014, 17:26
C'mon you lot cheer up, it's saturday...pour yourself a glass of something nice..........OK I agree it is a bit early  :ohmy:

That reminds me..........

A man rushes into a bar and the young barman asks him what he wants. "A whisky, as quick as you can!"

The barman brings it to him and the man downs it straight away. "Another! make it a double"

The barman once again obliges and the man downs it again. "Bring me another double, and a triple chaser"

The barman, a bit shocked, once again obliges and again the man downs both.

The barman, now getting curious, says to him. "Excuse me sir, why are you drinking so much so quickly?"

He responds, "If you had what I had, you'd be doing the same!"

The barman asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what have you got?"

The man responds...



"No money!" 

Sorry if any of my "jokes" are re-posts...........I'm not allowed out much  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 31, 2014, 17:30
After reading that shaggy dog (snake) story I watched Porridge inside out (on Gold) 40 years on and it still top drawer, great characters ,wonderful scripts with a few 'Nerks' , 'Scrouts'and 'Naff Offs'  for good measure!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 31, 2014, 20:02

...........I'm not allowed out much  :wacko:

I can see why :lol: :lol: :lol:




Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on May 31, 2014, 20:32
Try this one then............

An old farm hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in rural England when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .......

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spread sheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."

"You're a politician & you work in London." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
 You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on May 31, 2014, 20:48
I read that one again even though I've heard it before, was worth it :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on June 01, 2014, 10:56
Thanks Chrisnchris. Loved the latest round. Had an especially good laugh, as OH though the answer to the man in the desert joke was "just deserts".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 03, 2014, 20:57
                 
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they
 offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
 ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
 Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
 Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, blacksmiths, etc., but nobody could do it.
 One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit,
 and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
 After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away.
 Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.
 But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
 and six drops fell into the glass.
 As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man:
 "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,  what?"
 The little fellow quietly replied:
 "I work for the Australian Tax Office."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 05, 2014, 21:01
How many ants does it take to fill a rental property?






Ten 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MickyB on June 06, 2014, 01:15
Ten ants, got it  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 06, 2014, 04:47
Wouldn't be so easy to get ten in there if they were elephants  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 08, 2014, 11:55
I'm not talking to my wife.

Haven't been for 3 months.

We haven't had a row,





I just don't want to interrupt her.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on June 09, 2014, 08:05
I call my wife by her north American Indian name Three Horses

My mate asked me what it means

Nag Nag Nag
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 11, 2014, 18:28
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide by my vegetable patch which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched next to the cabbages that I noticed something had been eating the leaves.
Should I spray with pesticide or should I introduce a natural predator and hope the plants recover?
Cheers
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on June 11, 2014, 18:44
I have to admit that a lot of the "my wife" type jokes don't do much for me, but this one had me chortling.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 11, 2014, 23:08
Ten ants, got it  :D

Thank you!  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MickyB on June 11, 2014, 23:20
I enjoyed the wife joke, very subtle and topical as well,  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 12, 2014, 15:43
Posted every 4 years......with location changed..............


The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,




" said Jose, age 6.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 13, 2014, 00:47
 :D :D :D
Shame it has such a ring of truth
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 13, 2014, 05:30
:D :D :D
Shame it has such a ring of truth
... and probably soon to be followed by reports of the England team arriving at Glasgow Airport to a heroes welcome
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 18, 2014, 11:16
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.

'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning.. ...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on June 18, 2014, 15:02
Great joke, chrisnchris.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Ma Lowe on June 18, 2014, 15:10
 :lol:  :lol:  good one chrisnchris
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 18, 2014, 20:12
:lol:  :lol:  good one chrisnchris
It has a ring of irony
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on June 18, 2014, 22:15
Excellent!!

Definitely a ring pf irony! 

The trouble with political is they get elected.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on June 21, 2014, 13:08
A story is emerging that Mark McConville will make a guest appearance at SW19 on Monday.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on June 21, 2014, 13:40
A story is emerging that Mark McConville will make a guest appearance at SW19 on Monday.
I'm built too low, that's gone right over my head :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 21, 2014, 13:45
A story is emerging that Mark McConville will make a guest appearance at SW19 on Monday.

I suspect he will still be in Brazil....supporting Costa Rica...his brother does  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 21, 2014, 13:48
Anyway...........back on topic.............


Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives..
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike-Mike!'
'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Mike-it's me, Joe.'
'You're not Joe. Joe just died.’ I’m telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.'
'Joe! Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'




'You're in the team for Tuesday
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on June 21, 2014, 13:51
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MickyB on June 21, 2014, 13:51
Finally after years of trying the English football team can now say that they are as good as Spain.  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 21, 2014, 13:59
Finally after years of trying the English football team can now say that they are as good as Spain.  :nowink:

Apart from the 2 European Championships that is.

It's 1-1 on World Cup wins  :nowink: :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on June 21, 2014, 14:10
 'Mark McConville' playing David Goffin on Centre Court.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 21, 2014, 14:24
'Mark McConville' playing David Goffin on Centre Court.

He won't be needing to make any hotel reservations then  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 25, 2014, 09:44
Sorry............

Bobby Charlton was asked who would win in a match between the 1966 team and the current England team.

He thought for a minute and then said, "I think the '66 team would, by one goal."

"Just one goal?"

"Yes, well some of us are getting on a bit," Charlton said, "And some of us are dead."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on June 25, 2014, 15:09
Sorry............

Bobby Charlton was asked who would win in a match between the 1966 team and the current England team.

He thought for a minute and then said, "I think the '66 team would, by one goal."

"Just one goal?"

"Yes, well some of us are getting on a bit," Charlton said, "And some of us are dead."

Brilliant, but unfortunately very likely true!    :lol:    :lol:    :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 27, 2014, 07:45

>
> DONATIONS
>
> A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.
> >
> > Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
> >
> > The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
> >
> > "Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
>
> We are going from car to car collecting donations."
> >
> > "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
> >
> > The man replies, "Roughly a gallon.
>

>    
>

>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on June 27, 2014, 08:47
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 27, 2014, 11:03
Thanks dugless....first laugh of the day  :lol:

Where can I make my donation  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on June 28, 2014, 11:42
Bet they were queuing up!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on June 30, 2014, 08:39
What happened to the magic tractor as it drove down the lane?












It turned into a field  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on June 30, 2014, 10:07
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on June 30, 2014, 15:17
That is awful!!   Funny! but awful!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 30, 2014, 19:46
On a similar theme ....


Q) How do farmers make crop circles?




A) They use a protractor
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 02, 2014, 04:28
Paddy pops into the newsagents.
He says, "Excuse me," to the lady, "but how much is it to advertise something for sale in your window?"
"It's 20 pence per inch." she answers.
"Forget it," he says, "I've got a 40 foot ladder for sale."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on July 02, 2014, 11:51
Doctor told me I was overweight and needed to exercise, my reply was 

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water and is fat.
A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long and only lives 5 years.
A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise I don’t think so.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on July 04, 2014, 14:37
Just to resurrect the football theme.....


To regain confidence in the England Squad, Roy Hodgson has arranged a friendly against Iceland.

Should they win, he will be arranging further friendlies in the future,






against Asda,Morrisons and Sainsbury's.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on July 07, 2014, 20:51
THE GREEN THING - VERY TRUE!!!
Checking out at Tesco, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The assistant responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have a lift or escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 200-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back then. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief not a screen the size of Yorkshire . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

When we were thirsty we drank from a tap instead of drinking from a plastic bottle of water shipped from the other side of the world. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor when the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest fish and chip shop.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on July 07, 2014, 22:18
That is very very true :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on July 10, 2014, 08:22
Very true. We did not have central heating, fridge, car, phone, recorder of any type, camera, I could go on and on, I usually do! But life was full and we survived.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 10, 2014, 17:15
Yes because we were not molly coddled had to stand on your own two feet work things out and were grateful for any gifts
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on July 10, 2014, 18:37
I think I'm experiencing Monty Python - Four Yorkshiremen  Xe1a1wHxTyo
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on July 10, 2014, 21:40
There was no electricity when I was a lad. We had to watch television in the dark.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on July 10, 2014, 21:45
Very good - had to think for a second or two about that one  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on July 11, 2014, 07:33
When we had a power cut and I needed to use the electric oven my DH said "never mind, use the microwave instead".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on July 11, 2014, 08:14
We used to dream of having a gas powered telly.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MalcW on July 11, 2014, 09:39
We used to dream of having a gas powered telly.....

Aye lad, so did we. Ours was a smelly old thing powered by used chip fat from't chippy up t'road
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 11, 2014, 09:52
We used to dream of having a gas powered telly.....

Aye lad, so did we. Ours was a smelly old thing powered by used chip fat from't chippy up t'road

Luxury!

We didn't 'ave no roads 'ere...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on July 13, 2014, 19:04
Luxury!

We didn't 'ave no roads 'ere...

Pah - you think you were poor.  My dad was seen kicking a can down the street.  When someone asked what he was doing, he said 'moving house!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on July 13, 2014, 19:35
Pah - you think you were poor.  My dad was seen kicking a can down the street.  When someone asked what he was doing, he said 'moving house!'

So, your house was actually made from real metal?  :ohmy:  :nowink:  :tongue2:

Our 'house' was made from recycled toilet paper (and I'm not talking Waitrose quality here!  :nowink:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on July 13, 2014, 19:48
Pah - you think you were poor.  My dad was seen kicking a can down the street.  When someone asked what he was doing, he said 'moving house!'

So, your house was actually made from real metal?  :ohmy:  :nowink:  :tongue2:

Our 'house' was made from recycled toilet paper (and I'm not talking Waitrose quality here!  :nowink:)

Recycled toilet paper? How long ago was that? The mind boggles (pun intended).  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 14, 2014, 17:01
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

   A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 




Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Raven81 on July 15, 2014, 22:53
I apologise in advance for this one:

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror...........

.....

......

Halloumi!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on July 15, 2014, 22:54
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 16, 2014, 04:49
When I got home last night I couldn't find a mug for my cuppa, then I couldn't find a teaspoon, then I couldn't find the tea. "What's happened in the kitchen?" I asked my wife. "There's been a cabinet reshuffle" came back the reply.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 16, 2014, 04:56
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e heck do they do that?"
"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin, snowin, hailin... why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick. "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?

"Yeah, I understand that," said Seamus, "but why do all the others do it?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on July 16, 2014, 17:03
A roofer (he may or may not be of Irish descent) walks onto a building site and asks the foreman for work.

"Sure", says the foreman, those roofs need battening out before tiling....can you do that?

"Sure", says the roofer.

About an hour later the foreman sees the roofer nailing the battens to the roof,
that's fine but he's throwing every other nail away.

"OY" shouts the foreman, "what the hell are you doing throwing those nails away?"

"Well" says Patrick "the ones I'm throwing away have got the head on the wrong end"

"Don't be so %£*&&^ stupid" says the foreman






"They're for the other side of the house"   :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on July 16, 2014, 19:48
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 20, 2014, 17:43
    Husband takes the wife to a disco.

>                      There's a guy on the dance floor living it up
big time ,

>                      break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the
works.

>                      The wife turns to her husband and says: "See
that guy?

>                      25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him
down."

>                      Husband says: "Looks like he's still
celebrating!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on July 20, 2014, 17:49
Genuine LOL..........thanks dugless  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rosiecider on July 21, 2014, 12:52
What do you call a mushroom who buys you drinks all night  .........  a fungi to be with   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on July 22, 2014, 16:17
A man took his Rotweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"


"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on July 22, 2014, 19:32
A man took his Rotweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"


"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

I'm embarrassed to say I had to read that three times before I got it. :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: brokenglass on July 23, 2014, 12:26
The Spirit of Tommy Cooper lives!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: chrisnchris on July 23, 2014, 13:24
The Spirit of Tommy Cooper lives!

Indeed  :lol:


My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'.

I said, 'chocolate fudge'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 26, 2014, 08:49
Me : "Doctor, I think I may have a problem with my hearing"
 
Doc : "What are the symptoms?"
 
Me :  "They're a cartoon family with yellow skin , why?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on July 27, 2014, 20:53
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on July 27, 2014, 23:28
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 28, 2014, 20:03
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 30, 2014, 16:13
I heard on the news yesterday that a woman has been given the first ever breast implants made from recycled trees.

It would be a good joke if there was a punchline, wouldn't it?



highlight the rest of this line if you don't get it : wouldn't it = wooden tit ......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 31, 2014, 11:36
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
.... and one with an in-built time-lapse to catch a man doing housework. From just one charge, the battery can last until 2020!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on July 31, 2014, 11:45
Why do brides get married in White?

All domestic appliances come in white  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 31, 2014, 11:58
.... and so do most electrical plugs in order that wives can remind their husbands to plug it in and switch it on!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on July 31, 2014, 12:16
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
.... and one with an in-built time-lapse to catch a man doing housework. From just one charge, the battery can last until 2020!  :tongue2:

Thank you.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: brokenglass on July 31, 2014, 15:22
If the Japanese Camera had a time lapse we could maybe go back to when the jokes were new!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on July 31, 2014, 23:16
Why do brides get married in White?

All domestic appliances come in white  :ohmy:

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
And that's why I won't get married!
I'm definitely no domestic appliance :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 01, 2014, 04:55
The female attempts at having the last word of the household appliance subject reminds me of this ....

(http://www.quotesvalley.com/images/15/when-a-man-and-a-woman-die-as-poets-sung-his-hearts-the-last-part-moves-her-last-the-tongue.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: miggs on August 01, 2014, 08:23
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Didn't know anybody could make anything that fast. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 02, 2014, 07:17
Morris is on his deathbed.  He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.
 
His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.
 
"So", he says to them:
 
"Bobby, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses..."
 
"Tammy, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza  ..."
 
"Steve, I want you to take the offices over in City Center  ..."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
 
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,
 
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property? He had a paper round!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on August 04, 2014, 22:27
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 06, 2014, 05:49
Husband:
I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back
Inspector:
What is her height?
Husband:
I never checked.
Inspector:
Slim or Healthy?
Husband:
Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Never noticed.
Inspector:
Colour of Hair?
Husband:
Changes according to the season.
Inspector:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.
Inspector:
Was she driving?
Husband:
Yes.
Inspector:
Make and colour of car.
Husband:
Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. Full Led headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door……….and then the husband started crying.
Inspector:
Don’t worry sir, we will find your car.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on August 06, 2014, 06:28
Reminds me of    My wife ran away with my best friend...........I don't half miss him
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 06, 2014, 07:51
A police patrol man was at the end of his shift when he saw a car speeding, he pulled him over and said it is your lucky day I had along day  and don't want to do the paper work so if you can come up with an original excuse why you were speeding I will not give you a ticket. the Man said "my wife ran off with a patrol policeman when I saw your lights  I thought you were bring her back"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 07, 2014, 17:05
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! Her theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call her "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard her voice. She shouted, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your blooming car."

This is what they call, " the Golden Years!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on August 08, 2014, 10:29
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 09, 2014, 21:12
 Dog Yarn
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a
note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's
mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look
both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus
arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then
boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the
suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell,
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!-
against the door.
He does this again and again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats
his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy:

"What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds,
"Genius, my backside.
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 12, 2014, 04:59
In memory of Robin Williams ....

Mindy McConnell: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Mork: [Eugene has just said that he needs to tell him something important] Well, come on, I'm waiting here with a worm on my tongue.
Eugene: Huh?
Mork: Baited breath.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on August 12, 2014, 10:25
In memory of Robin Williams ....

Mindy McConnell: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Mork: [Eugene has just said that he needs to tell him something important] Well, come on, I'm waiting here with a worm on my tongue.
Eugene: Huh?
Mork: Baited breath.

Thanks.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 13, 2014, 04:49
One reason why Switzerland is a great place?

The flag is a big plus
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 14, 2014, 06:56
Men and women - some differences .....

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
 
 
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
 
 
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
 
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 14, 2014, 08:41
A woman does as much as she can, to look as good as she can - a man doesn't bother because he thinks he's perfect already.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Men are not perfect, they just think they are .


This was something new for me, because I was sure that men didn't think at all.  :unsure:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on August 14, 2014, 12:39
Rogerbodger, I'd withdraw gracefully from the field if I were you!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 14, 2014, 13:08
 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 14, 2014, 14:02
Rogerbodger, I'd withdraw gracefully from the field if I were you!
(http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/32120.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on August 14, 2014, 14:13
In the support of rogerbodger

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MalcW on August 14, 2014, 14:22
Would it be socially unacceptable to admit that Rogerbodger's 'Men and women' joke really made me laugh?

Thought so...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 14, 2014, 14:25
(http://cdn.spectator.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Naughty-380x252.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 14, 2014, 22:05
This just made me LOL  :nowink:

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-s69qG7Hqx08/Ueg_DTQDC9I/AAAAAAAAAPk/DT2yBblfvhU/s1600/life.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 18, 2014, 04:44
I became confused whenever I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
  Banking 'Service'
  Postal 'Service'
  Telephone 'Service'
  Satellite TV 'Service'
  Government & Council 'Service'
  Customer'Service'
  Bureaucratic 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he's a farmer, and he hired a bull to 'Service' his cows.
Suddenly WOW !!
It all became oh, so clear !
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing when they ‘service’ us !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 20, 2014, 23:27
Tim Vine has been busy at the Edinburgh Festival with this .

"I've decided to sell my hoover , well it was just collecting dust.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 01, 2014, 20:48
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 01, 2014, 21:09
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on September 01, 2014, 23:11
Very good, rodgerbodger  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 02, 2014, 06:32
A man was seen eating gunpowder in the town centre.

Searching police are awaiting reports...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 10, 2014, 18:46
A man goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth".

The doctor says, "I think you need a psychiatrist".

The man says, "I know but your light was on".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jay001 on September 10, 2014, 18:56
 WOMAN HAVE RIGHTS TO YOU KNOW . . . .my wife has just knocked me out with hers !!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 11, 2014, 07:53
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.

Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.

It's great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars , Snickers, Crisps.......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on September 11, 2014, 08:20
sounds like my idea of a perfect gym  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on September 11, 2014, 10:01
Excellent!!    Raised a chuckle!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 15, 2014, 21:51
From Rhod Gilbert:

I had an appointment with Gambler's Anonymous, but I wasn't going to go.  I changed my mind when it was at 25 to 1.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on September 16, 2014, 08:40
Watched Stuart Francis last night , brilliant one liner gags. Problem is , trying to remember them!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 16, 2014, 10:42
Watched Stuart Francis last night , brilliant one liner gags. Problem is , trying to remember them!!

I used to be a mime…. but now I can talk about it…

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

I was a trapeze artist…. but I was let go.

You know who really gives kids a bad name? … Posh and Becks.

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me, “Son…

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

There's a fine line between hyphenated words…



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on September 16, 2014, 20:32
Watched Stuart Francis last night , brilliant one liner gags. Problem is , trying to remember them!!
I don't like him much - the one-liners do my nut :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on September 17, 2014, 08:22
Watched Stuart Francis last night , brilliant one liner gags. Problem is , trying to remember them!!
I don't like him much - the one-liners do my nut :)

I didn't see him - obviously - but I have to say the quoted one-liners didn't do much for me either.

Maybe it's the way he tells them...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: brokenglass on September 17, 2014, 14:45
He is brilliant!     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 23, 2014, 16:33
Me and my mates were busy robbing this CD store when the cops turned up.

Dave grabbed all the pop CDs and ran off.
Steve grabbed the rock CDs and also ran off.
Dan grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.
I was forced to take the rap.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Comfr3y on September 23, 2014, 16:54
if i was smart enough id think of a way to put house and garage music in
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on September 23, 2014, 17:52
if i was smart enough id think of a way to put house and garage music in
Think of 2 more names  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Comfr3y on September 25, 2014, 08:53
ok ill work on that...... :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 01, 2014, 16:50
A mate of mine had severe back problems and went in for that new operation last month where they inject mercury into the base of the spine which was pretty painful. He says it seems to be helping but the only drawback so far is that he is 5ft 2" on a cold day and 6ft 7" on a hot day.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on October 01, 2014, 18:37
A mate of mine had severe back problems and went in for that new operation last month where they inject mercury into the base of the spine which was pretty painful. He says it seems to be helping but the only drawback so far is that he is 5ft 2" on a cold day and 6ft 7" on a hot day.

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 09, 2014, 07:32
I can hear music coming out of my printer............I think the paper’s jammin’ again
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on October 18, 2014, 06:59
A man sees his wife is busy in the kitchen and says "Can I Help You?"

She says "Sure, take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in a pot to boil"

No matter what men do, somehow, we still get yelled at .....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 18, 2014, 07:58
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 18, 2014, 11:12
they are running a sweep down our club, what's going to end first the Oscar Pistorius trial or the DFS sale
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 19, 2014, 12:41
my friend was bleeding,and the first aid book told me to apply pressure,so i told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he would die
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on October 20, 2014, 07:39
My daughter sent me this one.....    The Smell Never Bothered Me Anyway

TXGNuJ6wIes
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on October 20, 2014, 20:49
We totally believe in this house that the wind must go free! :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on October 21, 2014, 08:43
From Sunday Night at the Palladium,


" I like to have an opinion on things i know nothing about ....................











.........it makes me feel American ! "
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 21, 2014, 09:40
Marvellous, Cadders!

A must for grandfathers everywhere as well...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on October 21, 2014, 14:41
Brilliant Cadders!

Taking this version to my singing lesson, I think!   Not sure I can keep a straight face at school.... :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on October 21, 2014, 14:47
If you like that one what about - Do You Want To Hide the Body

J5nygD1lecU
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on October 21, 2014, 15:10
We totally believe in this house that the wind must go free! :D :D :D

Wighty just for you..

The wind is very useful
It travels from your heart
It travels down your back bone
Enough to make you fart
A fart is very useful
It puts the stomach at ease
On winter nights it warms the bed
And suffocates the fleas
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on October 21, 2014, 22:16
Ooer!  Love the video, however poor taste it is!

Poem made me smile, too.
Thanks.  Needed a laugh after this week,....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 27, 2014, 19:00
A book has been found today down the back of a shelf, during the re-fit of Dublin Library ,when dusted off the title read;
 
IRISH DANCING PART 2
(ARM MOVEMENTS).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 28, 2014, 17:12
a flying insect just flew in my window and exploded........... i think it was one of those jihaddy long legs
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LotuSeed on October 30, 2014, 22:19
My Macaw woke me up this morning by exclaiming "OUT OUT OUT!" and "PICK THAT UP!" repeatedly. I got up to see what all the fuss was about to find one of my Amazons out of her cage and walking around on the floor. I guess he was just trying to forewarn me lol.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on November 08, 2014, 12:55
It seems to me that he knows what 'out' means. They must be very intelligent.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 08, 2014, 13:31
My Macaw .......

Is a macaw another name for a Scottish parrot?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LotuSeed on November 08, 2014, 17:09
Azubah, yes he is extremely intelligent. Out of the four parrots we have, he has the largest vocabulary.

RogerBodger, I believe you are thinking of an african grey. I have a Military Macaw (think the type of parrot a pirate has on his shoulder, only greener)  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 09, 2014, 08:15
A friend of mine used to have a parrot crossed with a woodpecker - that bird could talk in morse code!

(http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqfmj2mFo81qf8qkso1_500.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 09, 2014, 08:28
I’m saving up for a rainy day. So far I’ve got a sou’wester, two macintoshes, four umbrellas and a canoe.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on November 09, 2014, 09:34
All the farm animals in the county entered a competition to win a large marquee, complete with dance-floor and all the sound equipment. To win the competition they had to recite a passage from a Shakespeare play.

In the end, the three finalists were a pig, a cow, and a horse. The pig recited from Macbeth, the cow recited from Richard III, and the horse recited from Romeo and Juliet.

After much deliberation, the judge finally made his decision, and said: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 09, 2014, 09:40
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on November 09, 2014, 09:46
With the winter weather soon to be upon us, my company gave some advice on travelling during winter - as most large companies do. They said to make sure you're well-prepared, and to carry things such as extra blankets, torches, a flask of something hot to drink, a small can of extra fuel, some extra warm clothes, and a shovel.

This was all good advice, but I looked like a right prat on the bus the following morning.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 10, 2014, 17:23
There's a special offer on paddles at the boat shop - if you buy the left one, you get the other one for free.

I didn't go in though as it seemed a lot of hassle - a right oar deal!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on November 10, 2014, 19:04
Found this and had to share it

SjQZvSr5DcA
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 10, 2014, 23:11
That was a surprise to me!  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on November 11, 2014, 09:11
And the penguin! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on November 11, 2014, 09:23
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: cadalot!!! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on November 11, 2014, 13:47
Norty!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 11, 2014, 17:11
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :( :( :( :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on November 11, 2014, 17:16
The is one that is the original advert with Horror Movie music and it changes the whole feel of the advert
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 19, 2014, 19:14
Ancient Egypt ..... where the people were noted for writing unintelligible messages on walls and worshipping cats. ... Oh hold on a minute ... that's FaceBook  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on November 19, 2014, 19:16
Ancient Egypt ..... where the people were noted for writing unintelligible messages on walls and worshipping cats. ... Oh hold on a minute ... that's FaceBook  :D

 :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 20, 2014, 20:02
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster and more aero dynamic.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 21, 2014, 23:58
Oh Rodger that was soooo bad!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MickyB on November 23, 2014, 09:01
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster and more aero dynamic.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

Great gag, made me laugh anyhow!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on November 25, 2014, 20:01
Perhaps it was shell shocked??!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 29, 2014, 19:39
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 29, 2014, 20:45
Doh!  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 29, 2014, 21:07
 :lol: :lol: Rogerbodger

Having learned a fair bit about IT during my working career, when I retired I thought I could make a fortune by breaking into an online banking website - as it turned out I just couldn't hack it.  :(

Having learned that Cornish pasties were originally invented as a handy way of feeding workers in Cornish tin mines, I decided to try to make another fortune by making them myself, but just couldn't bring myself to accept such a miner roll.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 30, 2014, 10:35
I've just been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I'm in two minds about it!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Elaine G on November 30, 2014, 11:17
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 30, 2014, 11:43
I met a schizophrenic practising the art of zen the other day - that was someone who is at two with the world.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on December 01, 2014, 22:38
Black Friday was a good day, bought a 50 inch plasma tv for £100 !!  slight problem with the volume control but at that price how could I turn it down.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 05, 2014, 04:38
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
 
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read... "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
 
Paddy said to his pal "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.
 
Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
 
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
 
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
 
The owner of the shop said quietly "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
 
"Well yes" said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
 
The owner replied "This is a dry-cleaners."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mogman on December 05, 2014, 07:19
Little Ole was sitting at the kitchen table doing his school homework. He was writing an essay about his origin when he suddenly turned to question his mother."Mama, ver did Grandma come from?" he asked.

"Da stork brought her," answered Lena.

"And ver did you come from?" asked Little Ole.

"Da stork brought me," answered Lena.

"And ver did I come from?" Little Ole asked.

"Vell, son, da stork brought you, too," Lena replied.

Little Ole picked up his pencil, turned to his school tablet, and started to write his essay: "Dere hasn't been no natural births in our family for three generations!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 10, 2014, 04:56
A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno, dos....."
*POOF*....he disappeared without a tres.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 10, 2014, 08:55
A Spanish magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "Uno, dos....."
*POOF*....he disappeared without a tres.

Ha ha ha!  Nice one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 10, 2014, 08:59
Kirk Douglas used to tell a story about being unrecognised.

A fan rushed up to him once and said, 'Mr Lancaster, I just love all your films'!, to which he replied, through his teeth, 'It's Douglas, my name is Douglas', to which the fan replied, 'Oh I do apologise, Mr Fairbanks'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 11, 2014, 05:02
Recent research has shown that regular laughter helps to prolong life - the average life expectancy of readers of this thread is now 120
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 11, 2014, 10:01
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat satback on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 11, 2014, 13:06
Brilliant DD  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ryetek on December 11, 2014, 13:09
One of the best jokes I've heard for a while. Thanks DD.  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on December 11, 2014, 15:08
DD Sooooo Good :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on December 11, 2014, 15:13
Clean as well!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on December 12, 2014, 13:00
The old ones are bestbest
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on December 12, 2014, 23:02
Utterly brilliant joke there DD!!
I might have to pinch that - I have friends that aren't on here that would appreciate it!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 17, 2014, 20:01
I saw a line of army ants.

They were being led by the sergeant and the commandant.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 17, 2014, 23:44
I saw a line of army ants.

They were being led by the sergeant and the commandant.

That was an anti-climax  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Kevin67 on December 18, 2014, 05:46
I didn't anticipate that....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on December 18, 2014, 10:20
 :D

Were they in fantsy-pantsy uniform?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 18, 2014, 10:25
Fantastic  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 18, 2014, 10:31
Wonder whether Ant Sally thought it was funny?  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 18, 2014, 11:20
Well really ::)

Hi h'anticipated this, h'ant you got h'enything better to talk about ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 18, 2014, 13:07
I've got plenty to do, make the antipasti for dinner, and put some anthracite on the fire, cos it feels Antarctic in here , maybe because I'm catching a cold and may need antibiotics  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 18, 2014, 14:22
Surprised no one's mentioned Santa yet, so blatantly obvious
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 18, 2014, 17:18
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary​, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MickyB on December 18, 2014, 18:31
And where was Dec?   ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 18, 2014, 20:50
In the halls with Holly    :)

(and her dependants)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 23, 2014, 19:39
With the recent thread on technology in mind .....

Company Notice:
 
Subject: Severe Cutbacks:
 
The Companies goal is to remove all computers from the office. All PC's will be replaced by an Etch-A-Sketch.
 
To this end, everyone will be provided with one, and there are many sound reasons for doing this.
 
* No boot up problems.
* No technical glitches keeping work from being done
* No more wasted time reading and writing emails
* No more worries about power cuts
 
In an effort to effect a quick change, the I.T. department has issued a 'Frequently Asked Questions' document, and will now be called the Etch-  A- Sketch Help Desk.
 
Q. My Etch-A-Sketch has all funny lines all over the screen
A. Pick it up and shake it.
 
Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
 
Q. What's the short cut for 'Undo'?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
 
Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
 
Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
 
Q. What's the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
 
Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.
 
Q. How do I save a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Don't pick it up and shake it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on December 23, 2014, 19:48
Love it   :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 23, 2014, 20:47
A good'un  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ryetek on December 23, 2014, 22:17
Good one rogerbodger  :D You do realise however that someone will claim they've lost their work by accidentally picking it up and shaking it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 31, 2014, 09:11
The man who invented chicken nuggets was struggling to make hen's meat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 31, 2014, 09:15
Wombles pepper mill review ......

Not very good, it's always underground or overground
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 01, 2015, 11:11
My wife asked me to go to the shop and get a bottle of milk, as I was going out of the door she added "if they have eggs, get 6". When I got home, she asked why I'd got 6 bottles of milk, I answered "they had eggs". I don't understand why she's annoyed   :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mrs Bee on January 01, 2015, 11:45
You are lucky to be in one piece. :lol: :lol:

You wouldn't be if you were mine. :lol: :lol: :lol:

I have sent my OH for a white cabbage and he has come back with a white loaf.

We never eat white bread and I make all our bread. :wub: :wub:

These days he phones if he is not sure.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 02, 2015, 07:21
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Natural Resources Ireland reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Ireland , Paddy McGinty, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless!!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 16, 2015, 20:33
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a jug of water - if it floats its a boy ant  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on January 16, 2015, 20:34
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a jug of water - if it floats its a boy ant  :D

Oh dear :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 20, 2015, 20:17
overheard in a little French bistro:

Customer:  Oy, garçon!
Waiter:      Oui Monsieur?
Customer: There is a fly in my soup.  Look!
Waiter:      A.... fly monsieur?
Customer;  Yes, right there!  A fly!  Er,  un mouche!
Waiter:      Ah, non, monsieur! Pas un mouche, c'est une mouche.
Customer: By 'eck, you've got ruddy good eyesight!




Je vais prendre mon manteau
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 21, 2015, 04:42
Like it ... coat not necessary in my opinion
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on January 22, 2015, 11:10
Be aware of the cowboy firm who are currently salting the roads - they're called True Grit!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 22, 2015, 21:24
Shurely you mean 'Fruitbat fountain', Goosey...

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Kevin67 on January 23, 2015, 16:39
I do try to have new/unique jokes but thought this lot was funny - I can't take credit for a single one of them but I hope you enjoy them!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded some dough.

Source: www/nikonites.com/off-topic/11373-dumb-jokes-posted-here-if-you-dare-2.html#ixzz3PfBqDl5J
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on January 23, 2015, 16:51
Groan  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 24, 2015, 06:34
Georgewas playing a round of golf with a chum, who noticed that he took his dog along with him.

When George hit a straight shot, the dog jumped up and down and wagged his tail vigorously. When he sliced his drive, the dog would bark loudly, and when he hooked the ball, the dog whimpered and whined. This went on at every shot, and the chum just had to ask him how the dog had learned to react like this.

George just shrugged, and said that he'd always done that, and probably learned the tricks himself!

So the chum then said "But what happens if you miss the ball completely then"?

George replied, "Well, he does several somersaults"!

"Blimey", said the chum, "however many does he do then"?

George replied, "Well it depends on how hard I kick him up the @rse.."!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 24, 2015, 08:20
A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia.

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity. His teacher liked him even less, always yelling at him "You're driving me mad Bruce".

One day Bruce's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved him to a different school.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!




Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon? Sometimes I worry about you ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LotuSeed on February 01, 2015, 01:07
hgG_Gci8op0
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 06, 2015, 04:40
When I was a boy, my mum would send me down to the corner shop with a ten bob note. I would come home with 6 eggs, two loaves of bread, 5lb of potatoes, two pints of milk and a pound of butter.
 
You can't do that now... too many security cameras!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 06, 2015, 04:44
I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four fox cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on February 06, 2015, 06:54
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on February 09, 2015, 08:25
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were head of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.

"I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "This is where Mrs Digger told me to stand."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 09, 2015, 08:57
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 09, 2015, 09:12
Hope you had Mrs. Digger's permission to post that DD!  :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 09, 2015, 15:51
Well I am the boss in my house and I have the wife's permission to say so.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 13, 2015, 04:51
I received an email warning of the dangers of eating tinned ham, but I think it might be Spam
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 15, 2015, 09:02
I bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines Day ..... the Hoover works perfectly now :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on February 15, 2015, 09:51
I bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines Day ..... the Hoover works perfectly now :lol:

Crumbs, you're getting all romantic there rogerbodger. "My wife" and not "the wife"...  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 15, 2015, 11:58
Probably a slip of the tongue :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 15, 2015, 13:54
I need to be careful ..... it seems that I was getting caught up in all that Valentines Day stuff  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 15, 2015, 13:58
It's good to hear on the news that supermarkets are moving daffodils away from the food aisles, a mate of mine ate a daffodil the other day and had to be rushed to hospital. The good news is that he'll be out in the spring :lol:



OK .... I'll get my coat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on February 15, 2015, 14:12
I bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines Day ..... the Hoover works perfectly now :lol:
That's just given me the biggest laugh for a while!  :lol: Presume they were vacuum-wrapped??  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 15, 2015, 16:05
I bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines Day ..... the Hoover works perfectly now :lol:
That's just given me the biggest laugh for a while!  :lol: Presume they were vacuum-wrapped??  :lol: :lol:
Groan! You're getting as bad as me, carry on like that and we'll clean up between us  :lol: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: FINN THE FORK on February 15, 2015, 17:07
six of the seven dwarfs are not happy  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 15, 2015, 17:21
six of the seven dwarfs are not happy  ;)
On the positive side a similar proportion of dwarves are grumpy, which is lower than the national average, although statisticians point out that it is a small sample group. Psychologists have concluded that just over 71% of the sample group are neither happy nor grumpy but are somewhere between the two.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on February 16, 2015, 09:13
It's good to hear on the news that supermarkets are moving daffodils away from the food aisles, a mate of mine ate a daffodil the other day and had to be rushed to hospital. The good news is that he'll be out in the spring :lol:



OK .... I'll get my coat

I like this one best. :-)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: A. Fallowfield on February 16, 2015, 20:15
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news” The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”. The lawyer says:  “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”. The tycoon replies enthusiastically:  “Well done, very good news indeed!  You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?” The lawyer answers:  “The pictures are of you and your secretary!”.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on February 16, 2015, 20:48
more good news, bad news.

The good news is that I've just been promoted to Branch Manager!
The bad news is that it is the Midsomer branch.....


An angel appeared and told me the good news is that lots of rugby is played in Heaven!
The bad news is that they have me down on next week's team list......



The good news is that I am going to be famous!
The bad news is that this is by having the disease named after me....


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 22, 2015, 07:44
I saw a funeral procession in town yesterday. It was unusual though as there was no coffin, it turns out the deceased was Dr Strepsil, inventor of the throat lozenge.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 22, 2015, 09:05
I saw a funeral procession in town yesterday. It was unusual though as there was no coffin, it turns out the deceased was Dr Strepsil, inventor of the throat lozenge.
:wacko: that was gross big grone  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Steveharford on February 22, 2015, 09:20
hmm I dont get it 😳
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 22, 2015, 09:24
No coffin = no coughing  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Steveharford on February 22, 2015, 09:34
Oh yeessss! I'm a bit slow on a Sunday 😜
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on February 22, 2015, 19:43
Two fish in a tank.

Fred turns to Bubbles and says "you know how to drive this thing then?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on February 23, 2015, 08:35
In the same yuck vein

My wife and I have become incompatible
 I have no income and she is no longer patible
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on February 26, 2015, 13:29
Hi all, is there room for a "sort of" new boy?

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

(http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/drums.gif)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Beekissed on February 26, 2015, 15:55
 :lol:  Very slick, funny! 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on February 26, 2015, 20:40
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 04, 2015, 08:09
I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground yesterday .... we went from Barking to Tooting in under an hour  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: joyfull on March 04, 2015, 10:13
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on March 04, 2015, 20:49
Very good  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on March 04, 2015, 20:59
Just what I needed after a long day at work.  A good laugh at a rogerbodger classic  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 10, 2015, 14:59
Not sure if this will come through....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 10, 2015, 22:09
The excellent Matt from the DT.  Brilliant!   Thanks for sharing it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 20, 2015, 04:43
The police in Warrington didn't believe I lived 6 miles to the west of the police station, I had to give a Widnes statement.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 20, 2015, 07:31
God Loves Drunk People Too
 
 A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
 
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
 
 "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!”
 
 He slams the door and returns to bed.
 
 "Who was that?" asked his wife.."Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers."Did you help him?" she asks.
 
 "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin’ well pouring with rain out there!”
 
 "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
 
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"God loves drunk people too you know.”
 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
 
 He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?”
 
 "Yes," comes back the answer.
 
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
 
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
 
 "Where are you?" asks the husband.
 
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk……...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 20, 2015, 13:46
Thank you Growster  :D :D

Have one back....

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The landlord says,











"I can't let you in without a Thai."

(http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/banana.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: andimac on March 20, 2015, 14:51


The wife has been reading all the words in the dictionary beginning with "S"
...
...
...
I think she's up to something...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 20, 2015, 19:01
over the time this has run I wonder how many repeats we have had. :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 21, 2015, 06:48
over the time this has run I wonder how many repeats we have had. :lol:

Yes, I worried about my post for the same reason, Dugless, but are we really going to wade through hundreds of pages of jokes before we ever pop one on!

I actually did a search on 'drunk', which proves I can always be a nerd if I try hard enough...;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 21, 2015, 08:32
I hadn't got a box handy to make a pinhole camera, so I used a colander to view yesterday's eclipse; I think I've strained my eyes



My mum warned me not to look at the sun during yesterday's eclipse so I looked at the moon instead  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on March 24, 2015, 18:11
Mod alert
I wonder if this is too racy I just loved it.
>>>>>>> A farmer drove to his neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the
>>>>>>> door. A boy, about 9, answered.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Is your Dad or Mum home?" said the farmer.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "No, Mr Houston, they went to town."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "How about your brother Howard, is he here?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "No, he went with Mum and Dad."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The farmer stood there for a few minutes shifting from one foot
>>>>>>> to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy said,
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I
>>>>>>> can give Dad a message.”
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> “Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk
>>>>>>> to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie
>>>>>>> pregnant”
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The boy thought for a moment, then said, “You’ll have to talk to
>>>>>>> Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for
>>>>>>> the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 24, 2015, 20:42
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 24, 2015, 20:51
<knock knock>
"What's ter want?"
"Oh, hello young man.  Is your mother at home?"
"No, her in't. Hers gone ter bingo wi' mi Aunty,  'Appen they's'll be 'ome abaht ten."
"What a terrible way to speak. Your grammar is awful!"
"Ah, well, she caint help it - her's old, in't 'er!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on April 06, 2015, 10:07
BARACK OBAMA MET WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND.

He asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?”

The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”

Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Cameron answered, “That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. “Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Biden. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Sarah Palin answered right back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Sarah Palin!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, “No! You idiot! It’s David Cameron!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on April 06, 2015, 15:54
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 13, 2015, 00:25
And some jokes that arrived in my inbox

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”

A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”

Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”

A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 13, 2015, 07:42
Brilliant, I especially love the "a Roman walks into a bar" ones
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on April 16, 2015, 10:10
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. "Good morning", says Ed, "could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?"

Miliband: "Truthfully. I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. But hang on! I'm Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!"

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification".

Miliband: "Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!"

Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them".

Miliband: "I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me".

Cashier: "Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at."

Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on April 16, 2015, 14:33
Thanks   :lol: :lol: :lol:

I now have to clean coffee off my keyboard  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on April 16, 2015, 20:17
I did wonder how long it would take for political jokes to surface. But that one's not too bad.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on April 16, 2015, 20:46
that's a Cracker DD Face-booked it with my game friends it just hit 2950 world wide  :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on April 16, 2015, 21:05
Where do you think I got it from!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on April 16, 2015, 21:10
LOL
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on April 16, 2015, 22:33
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 17, 2015, 20:48
While walking down the street one day, a politician is tragically hit by a large shocking pink campaign mini-bus (dashing to it's next female-voter patronising venue) and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a politician around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the lift and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other people who had worked with him, everyone is very happy, healthy looking and well dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich on their expenses and backhanders. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly chap, life and (lost) soul of the party who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the politician answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered dark, evil smelling flames. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, being tortured by imps with pitchforks who laugh at their agony. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of sulphurous fire, full of imps with pitchforks torturing my friends.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Now it is after you voted us in!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 17, 2015, 20:57
Thinkers Anonymous

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was  thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." 

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" 

"But darling, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the car park and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.   

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I reckon the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I decided to vote Lib Dem in the election.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on April 18, 2015, 11:32
Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.

 Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

 Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur :

 " You get out and check - you were driving."

 The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

 " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered,
 his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

 " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.

 The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whisky,

 The wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

 " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

 " I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 18, 2015, 13:11
  :lol: *coffee-sur-keyboard*  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on April 18, 2015, 13:35
That's a good'un slingshot2000!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 19, 2015, 12:58
2 sheep in a field .....

First sheep : Baa!

Second sheep :  Moo!

First sheep : Moo? What's that all about?

Second sheep : I'm learning a second language.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on April 19, 2015, 17:23
So simple but so funny.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave NE on April 19, 2015, 18:29
A recent survey has said that the average bathroom bar of soap has 3 different pubic hairs on it, that must be scary if you live on your own.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on April 21, 2015, 17:17

Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house

>> exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come

>> off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

>>  "Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and

>> see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

>> About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of

>> yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

>>  Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a blooming nose

>> comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what

>> happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

>> Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she

>> did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off

>> the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>




               
 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on April 21, 2015, 17:59
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on April 22, 2015, 14:54
Doctor:
 Madam, your husband needs a rest and peace, so here are some
sleeping pills.
Wife
 Doc, when should I give them to him?

 Doctor: They are for you !


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 22, 2015, 21:20
Overheard in The Farmers Arms:

Farmer Giles:  "Mi bull were  ailin' t'other week - weren't able to 'do 'is duty', so to speak.  Vet give him some purple pills and afore you know it he were back to normal - better than normal if owt.  Twenty cows in one day and still rarin' fer more. Them pills really put lead in 'is pencil, no kidding."

Farmer Bloggs: "Oh, aye?  Purple pills, eh.  What was in 'em?"

Farmer Giles;  "Dunno.  But they taste of peppermint..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 23, 2015, 07:35
A transvestite walked into a bar.

He had a Wigan address...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on April 23, 2015, 09:20
A transvestite walked into a bar.

He had a Wigan address...
BOOM BOOM!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on April 23, 2015, 16:03
 An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

 Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.

 After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how
was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Beetroot Queen on April 23, 2015, 16:06
Heres a joke. Just been shoe shopping

harry's shoes £40  :ohmy:

Oh no thats not a joke that was the price.

i dont pay that for my shoes.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 23, 2015, 21:48
"How much are your forty quid shoes?"
"Twenty quid each."
"OK, I'll take a couple."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Beetroot Queen on April 23, 2015, 21:49
"How much are your forty quid shoes?"
"Twenty quid each."
"OK, I'll take a couple."

That made me laugh, well done x
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 24, 2015, 12:41
As the lady-stirring tale of Cornish shirtless scything and cliff edge galloping nears its end, the TV people are casting around for suitable replacements to grace the Sunday evening schedules:

Pol-ark  : a stirring tale of a Cornish hero who builds a boat (with his shirt off) to save all the creatures of the peninsula from a flood in his copper mine.

Pol-bark : story of a Cornish dog-trainer who takes his shirt off a lot while training canines.

Pol-hark : the drama of a strapping shirtless Cornish hearing aid fitter.

Pol-lark : the heart warming story of a Cornish singer who doesn't have a shirt.

Pol-mark : Cornish teachers who remove their shirts to put crosses and ticks on their swooning girl pupils' essays.

Pol-nark : police drama about a Cornish police informer who grasses up the villains without wearing his shirt.

Pol-park : In  the wilds of Cornwall, a rugged hero takes of his shirt as he assists helpless female drivers to get their vehicles correctly  lined up by the kerbs.

Pol-quark : the ups and downs of a strangely charming Cornish physicist who takes his shirt off to discuss sub-atomic particles.

Pol-sark : saga of a Cornish tin mine owner who takes his shirt off while on holiday on one of the smaller Channel Islands.

Pol-spark : fly on the wall documentary about a Cornish electrician who takes his shirt off a lot while installing a new junction box and load centres.

Pol-tarka : charming wildlife feature about a shirtless Cornish hero with a tame otter.

Pill-dark : story of a Cornish medicine manufacturer but you can't see if he gets his shirt off because the lighting was done by the same lot that did Jamaica Inn.

Pull-dark : excitement in a Cornish dental surgery as the lighting fails just as the dentist is about to take his shirt off.

Dolldark : Cornish melodrama in which a comely wench keeps her kit on but just undoes a single button causing fellers to smile and thus be justly accused of being dirty old men because that is somehow quite different from ladies screaming "phwoar" at that Irish lad…..




I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on April 24, 2015, 12:51
 :lol: Brilliant.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 24, 2015, 12:57
Quote
HGB: I'll get me coat

Will you keep it on - or maybe risk taking it off?  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 24, 2015, 13:06
sorry, forgot:

Pol-shark : tale of a Cornish fisherman who gets sick of pilchards and find landing his new catch of porbeagles sufficiently hard work as to necessitate removing his shirt.  For a change.

Pol-start : Cornish hero who only undid half the buttons on his shirt due to being a beginner.

There was another one involving a Cornish chap whose shirt was blown off by his excessive flatulence but I can't remember what it was called.  Ahem.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on April 24, 2015, 14:40
Excellent!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on April 24, 2015, 19:33
 :lol: :lol: :lol: maybe there should be a  Pol- tax on your jokes  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 24, 2015, 21:17
as long as it just is a Pol-try amount, or even a poul-try amount (ie. chickenfeed).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on April 29, 2015, 16:19
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie, in the far south west of Queensland.

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in blooming quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No blooming horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are beggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a blooming dingo's eye and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! 
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how blooming good it is.
 
Your loving daughter,
Susan.
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on April 29, 2015, 17:14
Excellent, Goosegirl. Laughed out loud for real. Thanks for that.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 29, 2015, 17:20
Hilarious, Goosers!

:0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 29, 2015, 17:29
sorry, forgot:

Pol-shark : tale of a Cornish fisherman who gets sick of pilchards and find landing his new catch of porbeagles sufficiently hard work as to necessitate removing his shirt.  For a change.

Pol-start : Cornish hero who only undid half the buttons on his shirt due to being a beginner.

There was another one involving a Cornish chap whose shirt was blown off by his excessive flatulence but I can't remember what it was called.  Ahem.

Super stuff, Hamsters!

Pol dance, where everyone takes off their shirts, and most other things for that matter, and clenches their **** and ***** and ********* and also their ******, in time to the Western boundary version of The Onedin Line...

And...

Pol Enta - a Quornish delicacy...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 29, 2015, 19:34
A few more found down the side of the settee:


Pol Pot : Cornish wacky backy causing users to take their shirts off

Pol troon : only Ayrshire golf course where shirtless play is permitted

Pol len   : Judge of Cornish TV version of Strictly, who makes shirtless dancers sneeze.

Pol card : Jethro

Im-Pol-se : Cornish perfume spray that makes chaps rip their own shirts off

Pol-lack : shortage of fish.  Even shirtless ones.

Pol vault : secure storage for reserve shirt stocks.

Pol-ish : in the manner of a shirtless Cornishman

Pol-ly : adverb indicating in the style of a shirtless Cornishman

Re-Pol-se: former hull in the tenth submarine squadron

Pol-iticks: study of ticks and other parasites. Including some who lose their shirts, Lib Dems for example,probably


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on April 30, 2015, 14:11
My sofa search found these:
Pol-icy - the Cornish custom for the Boxing Day "Wet T-shirt swim in the sea" contest
Pol-ite - Someone who supports the previous contest (usually of a female persuasion)
Po-le - as above but who comes from France
Pol-ar - as previous but who comes from Somerset
Pol-ar drift - as above but restricted to females whose only thought is ... that shirt's going to need a good wash!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on April 30, 2015, 15:22
My sofa search found these:

Po-le - as above but who comes from France
:lol:

Along a similar line:

Pol-é - an expression used by Cornish folk learning to dance the Sevillana when someone throws off their shirt in a fit of enthusiasm
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on April 30, 2015, 15:44
Po-le dancing - Cornish version of Morris dancing where the men tie their shirts onto their hats so they can dry out as they whirl about. (I'll get my coat).  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on April 30, 2015, 15:48
GG - I used to be a Morris Dancer but I kept falling off the bonnet

Ok got my coat were are we off too?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on April 30, 2015, 16:03
GG - I used to be a Morris Dancer but I kept falling off the bonnet

Would that be because you were still a Minor and lacked experience?

(I can hear the groans from here!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on April 30, 2015, 16:05
Mr Hamster has got a lot to answer for starting this off.   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 30, 2015, 18:02
Pol tergeist - This has nothing to do with the paranormal, it's a line which was scratched from the original script of 'The Godfather', where they were in a sandwich joint and the waiter came over, and put a cup down in front of Marlon Brando,  muttering 'The guy's tea'!

The line was never used, but may have turned up in 'Three men in a boat', where the hilarious exploits of the jolly chaps, all in plus fours, had a hilarious visit to a chintzy tea-room in Abingdon with unexpected results!

(In fact the line was never made at all! I made it all up! Didn't you guess that)!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on April 30, 2015, 20:39
Pol tergeist - This has nothing to do with the paranormal, it's a line which was scratched from the original script of 'The Godfather', where they were in a sandwich joint and the waiter came over, and put a cup down in front of Marlon Brando,  muttering 'The guy's tea'!

The line was never used, but may have turned up in 'Three men in a boat', where the hilarious exploits of the jolly chaps, all in plus fours, had a hilarious visit to a chintzy tea-room in Abingdon with unexpected results!

(In fact the line was never made at all! I made it all up! Didn't you guess that)!

So, the jolly chaps were all in plus fours, but had taken their shirts off. Or did the waiter lose his shirt? We really need to know.  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on April 30, 2015, 22:17
Has anyone seen the Irn Bru commercial that's set on a train, serious question ,by the way.                                 

 If you like 'cheeky' humour, it's worth a look. It's on youtube.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 01, 2015, 08:03
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 01, 2015, 16:20
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: "I'm on my Way!"  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 04, 2015, 23:40
Politics on the Forum

I'd like to remind members that we don't allow politics on these forums. This includes comments regarding the political leaders. As I'm sure you're aware it is very cruel to mock the afflicted.

 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 05, 2015, 07:38
On that note, this Sky ad cracked me up this morning.........................

http://time.com/3843021/marvin-gaye-general-affection-election/
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on May 05, 2015, 08:24
On that note, this Sky ad cracked me up this morning.........................

http://time.com/3843021/marvin-gaye-general-affection-election/

I loved my OH's comment - are the leaders really singing!!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 05, 2015, 08:31
 :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 05, 2015, 14:49
MH0K_XIIBow
The end of the record about sums it up..

And then there is the rap

WO3y1LEcv_0
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 05, 2015, 20:07
Thank you for posting these.  Some one spent quite a bit of time cutting it altogether.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 06, 2015, 10:50
unfair not to give Nicola Sturgeon a mention.

Giving her unique take on the banking system:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7I313EuvBk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7I313EuvBk)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 06, 2015, 17:44
I think it's time we had a look at what the rest of Europe makes of our forthcoming election

IMa0U3c7tFg
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 07, 2015, 10:32
Cadalot - that was brilliant!!!  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 07, 2015, 12:39
A modified version of a self-introduction by Hugh Gallagher, who as you undoubtedly know is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel railway stations in my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kosovan refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike euphonium playing,  I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook three-minute eggs in eleven seconds without the aid of microwaves. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a large hoe and a small glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants, and with a small hoe and a large glass of water I defended an army of ants in the Amazon basin from a horde of small villagers.

I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Leicester Tigers, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electronic appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy underwear.

I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.

I have been  Albert Einstein's 'Phone a Friend' quiz lifeline and the recipient of a letter informing me that I may have already won the Damart free prize draw.

Last summer I toured Kildare and Offaly with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I consistently bat 400 not out and take ten wickets for three runs or less. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, David Copperfield, and all of Roddy Doyle's books in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.

I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; and when I do sleep I sleep in a chair. While on holiday in Skegness, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life

But forgot to write it down.

I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a banjo and a moulinex sandwich toaster. I breed prizewinning whelks. I have won bullfights in Torremolinos, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and road safety quizzes at the Kremlin, both pre- and post-glasnost. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.  Recently.

And they still expect me to put money into the office coffee float…


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 07, 2015, 13:15
Unfortunately the rest of the world cannot understand British Humour especially when we are taking the Micky. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 09, 2015, 01:11

Whilst strolling round the harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist who slipped from the quayside and fell into the water. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.
 
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, and the Immigration Office.
 
It is now 6pm p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond. I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on May 09, 2015, 10:33
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 09, 2015, 11:34
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
>
> Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
> So they brought the cow over from Wales.
>
> It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
>
> They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
>
> They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
>
> No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
>
> The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, and tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
>
> "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
>
> The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?".
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
>
> "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales".
>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 09, 2015, 11:41
Brilliant one, Dugless
 :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on May 09, 2015, 13:26
Very discerning, these Welsh females. Obviously accustomed to a higher class of male.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 10, 2015, 23:24
Just because the election is over, we've not changed our no politics rule, so I've removed the last few posts. That includes US politics etc as well.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 11, 2015, 08:04
"I didn't see that coming" said the man who threw the first boomerang
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on May 11, 2015, 17:05
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/censored.gif) told you I was speeding, too!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 12, 2015, 20:28
I'll file that one away if I get done again :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on May 13, 2015, 16:31
My husband asked me for lip balm the other day but I gave him superglue by mistake.

He's still not talking to me.  (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/gagged.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 13, 2015, 16:37
Note to self don't drink coffee when reading this thread  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 14, 2015, 13:53
I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM TESCO'S

Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jaydig on May 14, 2015, 14:21
Oooh, 8doubles,  I should have taken notice of Cadalot's advice about coffee!  I've just read you post and I'm now sitting here with a lot of coffee sprayed all over my computer, and the rest of it in my lap.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on May 14, 2015, 15:11

Excellent, thanks (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/rotfl.gif)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Fairy Plotmother on May 14, 2015, 16:12
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 14, 2015, 17:37
8Doubles, that has caused a major laughter epidemic in 'The Turrets'!

I can't settle Mrs Growster down at all!

;0) - many times...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oldgrunge on May 14, 2015, 21:18
Absolutely brilliant! I'm rolling on the setee!!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 17, 2015, 13:50
I made a brew but it keeps wriggling away ..... then I read the label and all is clear, it's Fiji Tea
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 17, 2015, 16:23
I made a brew but it keeps wriggling away ..... then I read the label and all is clear, it's Fiji Tea

Arghhhhhhhhh!!!  :D

I was living in a fantasy world so I had a cup of reali tea
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 17, 2015, 16:33
whereas mine is a really boring cup of tea-dium

(and before evensong I may manage a cup of tea-deum....)

A real doggy sort of brew might be a char-pei

And drinking a cup of tea instead of apple-based alcohol led Laurie Lee to his earlier and less successful book about sharing a pot of Tetley's with a lass under a hay wagon, called 'Rosie with Rosie'....

And finally, my local supermarket sells PG tips.  I wonder what they do with the rest of the PGs....?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on May 17, 2015, 20:01
Do you drink it in your tea-pee?
Without milk is puri-tea

Making it for someone else is humili-tea


Drink it too quickly and it's haste-tea

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on May 17, 2015, 20:47
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 17, 2015, 20:55
At the HSE tea made with cold water safe-tea

Made in a modern kitchen it is proper-tea

Spilt on the work top it is calami-tea
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on May 17, 2015, 22:00
If you want a good laugh, you need to get some clowns to make you a cup of hilari-tea.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on May 17, 2015, 23:26
For goodness sake!!
Just gimme a cup of Pukka Chai - can't joke about that can ya!! :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 17, 2015, 23:54
For goodness sake!!
Just gimme a cup of Pukka Chai - can't joke about that can ya!! :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I had one and was sick  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on May 18, 2015, 06:57
For goodness sake!!
Just gimme a cup of Pukka Chai - can't joke about that can ya!! :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I had one and was sick  :tongue2:

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on May 18, 2015, 07:14
If you make a cup for someone famous, is that celebri-tea  :unsure:

And if you can assume the lotus position and still make one, that must be flexibili-tea   ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 18, 2015, 10:36
....Just gimme a cup of Pukka Chai .......


would that be a cuppa with a couple of spoonfuls of alum stirred into it.  ahem.


teapot : wacky baccy to smoke while enjoying a cuppa.
Mr Tea : member of the A Team whose kettle was always on the go.
naugh-tea : badly behaved sailor's brew from a compass bearing of 0 degrees.
pari-tea : infusion (made of members of the cockatoo family) that is eual to normal tea
universi-tea : tea for the over-educated
Suits you to a tea : clothes appropriate for having a cuppa.
Mar-tea-knee : illness of mid-leg joints caused by mother drinking too much Earl Grey.
Artesian : Son Ian who works for Brooke Bond.
Cartesian : Son Ian who works in a drive-through cafe.
Teasing : producing music with words in praise of our national brew.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on May 18, 2015, 11:56
And if this thread and the cuppa accompanying it go on for ever, that would be eterni-tea
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 18, 2015, 12:16
Believed to be DD's preferred brew:  Peaty

Middle Eastern brew (possibly): Dubiety

More politically correct tea: Gaiety
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 18, 2015, 13:42
Tea jokes aside............

WARNING TO ALL LORRY DRIVERS
Researchers for the Swansea Authority found over 200 dead crows near M4 recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

A Ornithological Behaviorist was called in to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 18, 2015, 15:11
What's black deadly and lives in a tree
A crow with a sub machine gun..

OK I'm going  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 19, 2015, 06:41
What does a crow take to work in his flask?
Caw-fee
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on May 19, 2015, 07:21
How do crows communicate between offices?

CAWnference Calls
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 19, 2015, 11:27
Caw blimey!  :lol: What does a fat crow suffer from? Cawpulence. How do crows communicate? By Cawrespondence. I'll get my cawt!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 19, 2015, 21:30
At risk of a murder if we get enough crow jokes  ;)




My Chinese neighbour told me he'd just opened a "Crows shop".

I said, "Don't you mean a clothes shop?"

He said, "A Crows shop!"

I said, "OK, I might pop down for a Rook."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on May 20, 2015, 01:09
For goodness sake!!
Just gimme a cup of Pukka Chai - can't joke about that can ya!! :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I had one and was sick  :tongue2:
There's no accounting for taste  :tongue2: :tongue2: :tongue2: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 20, 2015, 06:08
Can we re-tell the 'kipper tie' joke yet, or is that still subject to the Thirty Year Secrecy Law?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 20, 2015, 12:36
At risk of a murder if we get enough crow jokes  ;)

Nice one rogerbodger but we may be in danger of building up too much clamour if rooks come into the equation!  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on May 20, 2015, 13:46
A bunch of thieving magpies in parliament could do for all of us.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 20, 2015, 20:20
Sort of funny
>> STELLA AWARDS:
> >> It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with
> these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
> coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where
> she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
> between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get
> burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most
> outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S.
>
 Here are the Stellas for year -- 2013:
* SEVENTH PLACE
*
 Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
> peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
> furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict,
> considering the running toddler was her own son
 
>
 * SIXTH PLACE *
>
 Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
> expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
> apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was
> trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. ..
>
 * FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had
> just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
> garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.
> Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to
> the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count
> 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food,
> he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
> Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for
> his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are
> more...
.
* FOURTH PLACE *

 Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's
> when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the
> butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain
> in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for
> because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of
> the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and
> repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun

 * THIRD PLACE *
 Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
> Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft
> drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms.
> Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

*SECOND PLACE*
>
 Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
> nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
> out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the
> ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the
> night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go
> figure.
>
* FIRST PLACE *
> This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
> Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago
> motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on
> to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
> driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
> Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also
> not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's
> manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise
> control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
 $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals
> as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who
> might also buy a motor home
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 20, 2015, 23:24
Normally I laugh at the jokes here but that one nearly made me cry.. how can people be so stupid?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 21, 2015, 06:31
Normally I laugh at the jokes here but that one nearly made me cry.. how can people be so stupid?

I get people being that stupid , judges who award such people compensation should be locked up ! :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 21, 2015, 11:09
It certainly seems that the compensation culture is an interference with Darwinism!   Remember - these people now survive (and prosper with their compensayshun) and are in a position to out-breed the rest of us!  Be afraid, be very afraid......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ARPoet on May 21, 2015, 17:17
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
 "No, they went to town."
 "How about your brother, Howard, Is he here?"
 "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,
 "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably.  "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says,

"You'll have to talk to my Dad about that.  I know he charges £500 for the bulls and £150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on May 21, 2015, 19:40
I had to call Paul in from the other room to read that one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on May 22, 2015, 11:10
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and tell them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/oldgit.gif)

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on May 23, 2015, 12:08
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 23, 2015, 12:30
Blackpool Rocket - that was brilliant! BTW, how did you put the emoticon on your post and where can I download them from?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 23, 2015, 17:35
Blackpool Rocket - that was brilliant! BTW, how did you put the emoticon on your post and where can I download them from?
GG - Blackpool Rocket got it from http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/oldgit.gif to be precise). Use the insert image button to add it, and add width and height to be sure it comes out the right size .... you'll end up with something like this
Code: [Select]
[img width=32 height=28]http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/oldgit.gif[/img]
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 24, 2015, 11:53
Ha-ha-ta! Um - as Columbo would say, where is the "Insert image" button?  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 24, 2015, 13:53
In the reply to post screen, the image link is under the B button.

You need to put your link between the 2 sets of img  brackets

[mg] here[/mg]
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 26, 2015, 06:50
This came as a NPC joke, I have taken the N out of it :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 26, 2015, 06:58
Now the actual joke.

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has been sacked, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating:

 "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line.
I am waiting for the train to come so that I can go to heaven and get some rest.

"Remain calm and stay on the line," was considered to be an inappropriate response.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 27, 2015, 08:49
These are actual (allegedly) complaints received by a tour operator from dissatisfied customers.

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on May 27, 2015, 10:31
The fact that there are people out there that make complaints like that make me despair of the human race completely!! :mellow:

But they do make me laugh! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DD. on May 27, 2015, 10:48
I think that they are possibly true, as you'd be hard pressed to make some of them up!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 27, 2015, 10:59
It's like those stupid car insurance claims that were doing the rounds months ago - having worked in car insurance for a few years, they were probably all true  ::)
 
Some of them used to have us in fits of laughter in the office :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on May 27, 2015, 14:40
The fact that there are people out there that make complaints like that make me despair of the human race completely!! :mellow:

But they do make me laugh! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Yup they are enough to make anyone despair - and they keep on breeding - see no 19.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on May 27, 2015, 15:52
The fact that there are people out there that make complaints like that make me despair of the human race completely!! :mellow:

But they do make me laugh! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Yup they are enough to make anyone despair - and they keep on breeding - see no 19.  :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on May 27, 2015, 17:24

It was  mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the  man seated in the front row.
"What are my  choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she  replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworth's store but she couldn't find  one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." 

The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I  got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally  stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a  ticket.

A lorry driver was driving along on a  country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge  Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars  were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart mouthed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence  was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her  head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight bum with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....
Who shall I say is calling?"

















 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 27, 2015, 21:56
Where ever did you find those?   they are brilliant.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on May 27, 2015, 22:02
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 27, 2015, 22:08
Not sure how recent this is but I thought it's worth sharing.

Scientists at the RAF built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windscreens of airliners and military jets , all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent the RAF the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the RAF scientists for suggestions.

The RAF responded with a one-line memo —

"Defrost the chicken."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 28, 2015, 10:01
Recent ?

In the original they used Dodo's !  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 28, 2015, 11:07
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an

elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun

in the West.

The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him

of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some

tips?" he asked.


The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high

-- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"


"Sure will."


The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his. 44, and

shot the bow tie off the piano player !


"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"


"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the

hammer hits it -- that’ll give you a smoother draw."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the Young man.


"You bet it will," said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun

in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.


"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any

more tips?"


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon."See that

can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."


The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle,

and all."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.



"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the

piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your rear end, and it won't hurt as

much!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 28, 2015, 14:51
Marvellous 8!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mar on May 28, 2015, 17:46
Dugless, the pervert on the phone had me laughing so much that my eyes were watering and snot was running from my nose - hilarious  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 28, 2015, 23:56
Dugless, the pervert on the phone had me laughing so much that my eyes were watering and snot was running from my nose - hilarious  :D
Too much detail!  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on May 29, 2015, 10:30
Topical.......hope I'm allowed to post a picture.....

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on June 02, 2015, 09:11
Her Grandpa Decided She Was Old Enough To Know The Answer. But Nothing Prepared Him For This.
POSTED 1 DAY
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is a couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on June 07, 2015, 06:56
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun –

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Age and cunning will overcome youth and technology anytime.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 08, 2015, 15:23
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "MAY I ASK WHAT THE TURKEY DID?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on June 11, 2015, 15:09
Ah, parrots........that reminds me...


Karen’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman.
 
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque”.

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”


When the repairman arrived at Karen’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied,

“Get him, Spike!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 16, 2015, 19:32
I've removed a few recent jokes as I've had a complaint about the content.

Please don't post jokes with any smutty or sexual innuendo and none with any bad language.

Many thanks :)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 16, 2015, 21:04
Bad quiz night. The Quiz Master asked us to name Bond villains.

He just wouldn't take No for an answer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 17, 2015, 02:28
I've removed a few recent jokes as I've had a complaint about the content.

Please don't post jokes with any smutty or sexual innuendo and none with any bad language.

Many thanks :)
That just about cuts 75%  of the jokes I receive on the internet if you take out all the referrals to  Religion Politicks and  PC's  there is not much left to Joke about.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 17, 2015, 03:14
That just about cuts 75%  of the jokes I receive on the internet if you take out all the referrals to  Religion Politics and  PC's  there is not much left to Joke about.

But we know you like a challenge!! :)

Seriously, this is basically a gardening / food web site and we want it to be child friendly. There are lots of sites full of jokes but would you like your 8 year old niece or nephew asking what some of them meant? As for politics and religion - it always ends up in people getting hot under the collar and nastiness.

Personally I love arguing religion and politics - but this just isn't the place for them. Happily the days of Bernard Manning are gone so that's the racist and sexist stuff in the bin too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on June 17, 2015, 07:49
I know what you mean , not sure but  a lot of 8 year old could tell you more about what they mean :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 17, 2015, 11:37
So, there I was looking after my daughter. Val was out. Then the sprog asked THE QUESTION. Right, I thought, Keep Calm and answer factually and honestly and in full which was the parenting advice at the time.
So, start at the beginning and work to the end.

Of course, some background knowledge is vital to a proper understanding of the subject. Anyway, I'd just reached the really interesting part where the RNA helps the DNA double helix unwind and duplicate as part of cell mitosis when she totally lost interest.

Kids! No attention span.  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 17, 2015, 12:07
 :lol: :lol: :lol: If you'd carried on and mentioned the word meiosis it would have been more -er- pertinent to the subject matter and they you could have explained how mummies and daddies have to get together and give their equal shares to make the full complement of chromosomes in order to make a complete baby! If that failed well - you could have always mentioned the word genes and genetic make-up. That would have perked her ears up and then you could have taken her on a shopping trip with the proviso that the subject matter was only to be discussed indoors!!!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 17, 2015, 13:09
Ahh, shopping - a girl's favourite pass time!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on June 18, 2015, 13:47
Re Double Entendre what you don't know can't hurt you, and if you understand it how can you pretend to be offended - ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND  :nowink: there are some great examples in Disney films for the Adult audience to stop them falling asleep. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 18, 2015, 14:40
Well said cadalot!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: sunshineband on June 18, 2015, 17:07
Re Double Entendre what you don't know can't hurt you, and if you understand it how can you pretend to be offended - ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND  :nowink: there are some great examples in Disney films for the Adult audience to stop them falling asleep.

They are not actually crude though, are they? I do find the crudity in some jokes quite difficult to deal with, personally
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on June 18, 2015, 17:38
Re Double Entendre what you don't know can't hurt you, and if you understand it how can you pretend to be offended - ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND  :nowink: there are some great examples in Disney films for the Adult audience to stop them falling asleep.

They are not actually crude though, are they? I do find the crudity in some jokes quite difficult to deal with, personally

Every now and then I get to meet my niece. It's always a shock because she uses language around me and my parents that really is only suitable for use with her mates. I think the same is true of the jokes on here. It's a question of register. What's appropriate in the pub with a bunch of people you know or what you post on your own Facebook page isn't necessarily suitable for an open forum that you are not responsible for.

I'm with Sunshineband on this. I also got a bit fed up on occasions with all the jokes on the topic of the useless/nagging wife or the incompetent husband, as I think these stereotypes need knocking on the head. But I recognise that not everyone agrees and didn't think it my place to complain on this site about it.

Happily the days of Bernard Manning are gone so that's the racist and sexist stuff in the bin too.

Amen twice over to this remark by John.

All of that said, I was sorry to see that one comment that came across a bit as finger-pointing along the lines of the kind of complaint that might be made by a five-year-old ("but what about them?") set all this in motion.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 18, 2015, 17:55
Well, put it all behind you and just post your jokes bearing in mind your 10 year old daughter/granddaughter could be reading it.

I don't read the joke topic as a general rules and it's difficult to say that ALL jokes that are left on the board  have been seen by a moderator and are considered OK but if a moderator or myself spots a joke they personally consider dubious it will be removed so please don't get your female undergarment disarranged if your joke disappears.  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on June 18, 2015, 20:47
I've removed a few recent jokes as I've had a complaint about the content.

Please don't post jokes with any smutty or sexual innuendo and none with any bad language.

Many thanks :)
I think maybe you have all missed the point here ! Aunt Sally Made her decision after 1 complaint !In my opinion that is unjustifiable ! How many people have  died in defense of freedom of speech ! I have never seen obscene language or any other unhealthy reference on this site !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 18, 2015, 21:10
Please note the site policies

Quote
•If you disagree with our site policies or any moderation carried out please contact a moderator or the site Admin rather than posting your complaint/query on the open forums.

Please can the subject be dropped now, the site's owner has explained his view, and I would expect this to be respected.

That just about cuts 75%  of the jokes I receive on the internet if you take out all the referrals to  Religion Politics and  PC's  there is not much left to Joke about.

But we know you like a challenge!! :)

Seriously, this is basically a gardening / food web site and we want it to be child friendly. There are lots of sites full of jokes but would you like your 8 year old niece or nephew asking what some of them meant? As for politics and religion - it always ends up in people getting hot under the collar and nastiness.

Personally I love arguing religion and politics - but this just isn't the place for them. Happily the days of Bernard Manning are gone so that's the racist and sexist stuff in the bin too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 18, 2015, 21:16
luckily there exists an infinite number of jokes and if some have to be removed because there is greater than zero people offended, that still leaves (infinity-some) which still equals infinity.

Freedom of speech is great, freedom  to be offensive is also great.  Freedom to apply 'censorship' in defined environments is not a problem - nobody is saying that particular jokes on particular topics must never be told, merely that those appearing on this forum should follow the rules deemed appropriate for here.  If I wish to take exception at one or more of my jokes being faded, I am at liberty to take said jokes to a more appropriate environment.  No reason for me to get the 'ump over it.




Sadly though, risque or otherwise, most of my jokes are such that if Adam and Eve returned to earth they would probably recognise most of 'em....  Ah well.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on June 18, 2015, 21:42
luckily there exists an infinite number of jokes and if some have to be removed because there is greater than zero people offended, that still leaves (infinity-some) which still equals infinity.

Freedom of speech is great, freedom  to be offensive is also great.  Freedom to apply 'censorship' in defined environments is not a problem - nobody is saying that particular jokes on particular topics must never be told, merely that those appearing on this forum should follow the rules deemed appropriate for here.  If I wish to take exception at one or more of my jokes being faded, I am at liberty to take said jokes to a more appropriate environment.  No reason for me to get the 'ump over it.

Thanks HGB, exactly so :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 18, 2015, 22:12
...and back to the topic.

One of Her Majesty's vessels is on a courtesy visit to the area and the ship's company have been granted a make and mend (afternoon off) to enjoy the hospitality of the town.   Three of them are spotted by a member of the local constabulary middle of the afternoon, sitting on a bench in the shopping precinct, paying attention to a few cans of stella.   He wanders over to check them out.

"OK lads", he says.  "Just want to make sure everyone is behaving.   What's your names?"
One of the sailors leans in to his oppos and whispers "make up a name - we don't want to get in trouble!"
Another looks worried.  "I don't have any imagination - where will I get a convincing fake name from?"
The first chap shrugs.  "Just take a name from one of the shop fronts.  Follow my lead!"
 
The constable takes out his notebook and turns to the first sailor.  "Name?"
Jolly Jack looks around and grins.  "My name is....  John.   John Lewis!"
The policeman scribbles and turns to the next rating.  "You?"
"Er.... Oh! My name is Mark....   Mark Spencer!"
More scribbling and then the constable turns to the third sailor.  "Your name?"
The sailor, who has clearly lunched well if not terribly wisely, looks around frantically then suddenly relaxes.  "My name is Ken" he says.
"Ken?  Ken what?" demands the copper.
"Ken...  Tuckyfriedchicken!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Springlands on June 18, 2015, 22:22
Now that is the sort of joke that makes me giggle.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on June 18, 2015, 22:23
Have another one to keep up the mood...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.'
The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'


The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/judge.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on June 18, 2015, 22:37
 :lol: very norty of her  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 19, 2015, 04:45
Marvellous, Blackpool!

:0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 19, 2015, 04:47
A Polish chap went to apply for a driving licence.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish chap replied, "I know the guy."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 19, 2015, 13:24
Obviously he wasn't a French polisher!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on June 19, 2015, 16:01
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D GG you are very norty but I love you for it .. :nowink:

No he was Polish Doh! i.e. long and thin

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 21, 2015, 13:28
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :D GG you are very norty but I love you for it .. :nowink:

No he was Polish Doh! i.e. long and thin
You are obviously a classic comedian buff! P.S. Loves you too!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ARPoet on June 21, 2015, 16:40
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

 

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones

are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs..........................

 

 Then You Are Probably The Family Dog
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 21, 2015, 17:40
 :lol: :lol: Tis all true  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 29, 2015, 05:47
There was an accident at work last week, a man fell into an upholstery machine .... he's fully recovered now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 29, 2015, 08:11
round our way, they sectioned a chap who was convinced he ws a daffodil bulb.
Reckon he'll be out in the spring.

Another patient thought he was a pair of curtains.
He was told to pull himself together.

One time-waster falsely insisted he was becoming invisible
But we saw through him straight away.

A chap down the road was also sectioned as he thought he had turned into a chicken.
He'd have been sectioned earlier but we needed the eggs.

My neighbour's wife forced him to get 'WELCOME' tattooed on his chest and he's too soft to resist.
Reckon she treats him like a doormat.

My late mum always claimed that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
Which may be why the Royal College of Surgeons struck her off.

A distinguished looking chap in uniform said he was a naval surgeon.
Reckon that is specialisation gone mad.

Our local matriarch is a real tough old bird.
Rumur has it she was a real bad egg in her youth.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on July 02, 2015, 13:38
Sorry to dig up an old joke, but.......




My job as an archaeologist is in ruins

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 02, 2015, 15:35
Sorry to dig up an old joke, but.......
My job as an archaeologist is in ruins

Br
:lol: Here comes another old one: I thought I was a schizophrenic but now I'm in two minds about it. (Mods - no disrespect meant).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on July 02, 2015, 15:39
I expect only those with such a serious mental illness (or their relatives ) will take offence, GG.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 02, 2015, 17:16
In the same vein, I used to be indecisive now I am not so sure
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 02, 2015, 21:01
I don't care if it annoys you, the fact is I am a Lego set.
Want to make something of it?

Failed at particle physics as it appears 'quark' is not in fact the noise made by a posh duck.

Don't remember Pavlov's face. but the name certainoly rings a bell.

A research lab spokesman said that there will be an announcement about time travel last March.

Two hydrogen atoms are talking. One says, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’ The other asks, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Optical doppler is easy to demonstrate.  The lights of cars approaching appear white while those going away appear red.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 02, 2015, 22:33
A couple were celebrating their 40 th wedding anniversary at a restaurant. During the meal a fairy appeared, hovering over the table.  "Hello, I'm here to grant you one wish each on this special occasion"  "Please take your time"   The wife has a think , and decides.   " I think I know what I would like, before we get much older, we are both in our 60s. I would like a round the World cruise and see family and friends that live overseas"

"Very good"  the fairy replies, I will grant you your wish.

Turning to the husband, " What wish would you like me to grant you?"
The husband thinks for a moment.  "Sorry Dear, but I would like a wife who's 30 years younger than I "

The wife is not too impressed  by her husband's request, but the fairy realises this and reassures her. "Do not worry, my dear"   Turning back to the husband   " Are you quite sure of your request? "

He nods his agreement.  " Very well" the fairy answers

She waves her wand and the husband is enveloped in a cloud of mist, it clears to reveal a frail old  man in his 90s.

" What has happened?, he whimpers, "she hasn't changed!"

" I have granted your wish, your wife is thirty years younger than you!"

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 12, 2015, 16:01
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa… 

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

 

Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

 

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 13, 2015, 22:04
I wonder if that gag has been used at a Wedding Reception, after cutting the cake.

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: devonbarmygardener on July 14, 2015, 00:44
A couple were celebrating their 40 th wedding anniversary at a restaurant. During the meal a fairy appeared, hovering over the table.  "Hello, I'm here to grant you one wish each on this special occasion"  "Please take your time"   The wife has a think , and decides.   " I think I know what I would like, before we get much older, we are both in our 60s. I would like a round the World cruise and see family and friends that live overseas"

"Very good"  the fairy replies, I will grant you your wish.

Turning to the husband, " What wish would you like me to grant you?"
The husband thinks for a moment.  "Sorry Dear, but I would like a wife who's 30 years younger than I "

The wife is not too impressed  by her husband's request, but the fairy realises this and reassures her. "Do not worry, my dear"   Turning back to the husband   " Are you quite sure of your request? "

He nods his agreement.  " Very well" the fairy answers

She waves her wand and the husband is enveloped in a cloud of mist, it clears to reveal a frail old  man in his 90s.

" What has happened?, he whimpers, "she hasn't changed!"

" I have granted your wish, your wife is thirty years younger than you!"
LOL!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 14, 2015, 12:39

English Around the World . . . . . 

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

In a Bangkok temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant :
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom :
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant :
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery :
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations :
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant :
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery :
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME
 
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on July 14, 2015, 18:39
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oldgrunge on July 14, 2015, 21:59
😂😂😂
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on July 14, 2015, 22:40
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 18, 2015, 16:12

Subject: FW: Aussies can be so sensitive:

   Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone
>tower:Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
>As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is
>killed instantly..
>As the ambulance takes the body away,
>Bluey says, 'Well, * me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. '
>
>Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
>it.'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
>
>Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?''Coot's wife gave it
>to me,' Mongrel replies.'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her
>husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?''Well, not exactly',
>Mongrel says.'When she answered the door,  I said to her, "you must be
>Coot's widow."She said, 'You must be mistaken..  I'm not a widow.'Then
>I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
>
>Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
>
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 18, 2015, 16:29
Great gag!!   I seem to recall something of a similar vein about a young private in the Army having to be told that a close relative had passed away.

As I write this another England wicket has gone down   -   306 for 9 in pursuit of the Aussies 566 for 8
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 18, 2015, 20:10
The England Cricket team is a joke  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on July 19, 2015, 00:26
You did not say that last week . . . . . . . . >>>>>>>>    ?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 19, 2015, 13:01
You did not say that last week . . . . . . . . >>>>>>>>    ?

It wouldn''t have been funny last week  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on July 19, 2015, 23:31
You did not say that last week . . . . . . . . >>>>>>>>    ?

It wouldn''t have been funny last week  :nowink:

I see your point ! :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 20, 2015, 09:53
Tenhens, it goes a bit like this...

A sergeant was told to break the news of a death in a private's family, so he marched straight up to the lad, and shouted, 'Private Jones, your dad's dead'!

The CO heard this and had a quiet word with the NCO, asking him to use a little more tact next time.

And the next time, the NCO called the platoon to order, and shouted out, 'All those with fathers, take one step forward - Private Smith, where do you think you're going...'!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 20, 2015, 12:44
That's the one Growster...   Thank you!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 20, 2015, 13:04
…And there was this chap who got away from the family farm as quickly as humanly possible and joined the Navy, winding up in submarines.   After a long patrol with no family communications etc he couldn't wait to phone home and see how things were going back on the farm.   

So he joined the queue for the phone box on the end of the jetty, merrily jingling the coins in his pocket. (no, that is not a euphemism. Behave yourselves.)  Eventually it was his turn and he dialled home and fed his coins into the slot.

"Hello, Mum!  It's me – we just got alongside.  How's everything – how's my lovely dog Shep?"
"Oh, son, I'm ever so sorry, I'm afraid your dog Shep….is dead!"
"Dead?  Dead?  What happened?"
"Kicked in the head by old Dobbin the horse.  Didn't stand a chance!"
"But… but Dobbin was a lovely, gentle horse!  Why on earth would lovely old Dobbin kick Shep?"
"Ah… we think he was panicking with the smoke and all."
"Smoke?  What smoke?"
"Well, with the stables being on fire and burning down, there was a lot of smoke in there.  In fact is was the smoke that did for the old horse"
"How the devil did the stables get on fire?  Careless cigarette end or something?"
"No, nothing like that.  We think it was just some sparks and embers blown across from the main house."
"What do you mean, 'from the main house'?  Where would sparks and embers come from?"
"Well when the fire in the house got fierce enough, the roof caved in and a load of sparks and embers were thrown up."
"Fire in the house?   But how did the house catch fire?  Electrical fault, lightning strike, what…?"
"Nothing of that sort.  We reckon one of the candles must have fallen off the coffin."
"Coffin?  Whose coffin?  Tell me, whose coffin?"
"Oh, it was Grandad's coffin."
"Grandad?  Grandad is dead?  How did he die?"
"Well, hard to say really.  The doctor said it was probably of a broken heart.  He just sort of gave up after your Grandma's funeral the day before."
"Grandma?  Grandma's funeral?  You telling me Grandma is dead as well?"
"Yes, son, dead as a doornail.  Bird flu.  That was why we had to slaughter the entire flock of chickens and-"
"- stop it Mum!" he yelps.  "It's a nightmare, bad news upon bad news and more bad news.  Is there nothing, anything at all positive you can say?"
His mum thinks hard for a moment, then "Well, with all the heat from the burning buildings, it warmed up the ground and your Dad's broad beans are coming on a treat…."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on July 20, 2015, 20:46
 :lol: Like !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oldgrunge on July 20, 2015, 21:18
Brilliant 😄😄😄
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 21, 2015, 14:37

----I have one of these
-
I have a little GPS, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little GPS, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty K’s an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counseling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the b****r off.
-----



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Sparkyrog on July 21, 2015, 15:20
ROFL had to facebook that one  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on July 21, 2015, 21:37
ROFL had to facebook that one  :D
Same here my cousin will love it
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on July 23, 2015, 17:45

Tour De France





Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

 Seamus shook his head and asked,   "Why  do they do that?"                                         

 "Do   what?" asked Mick                   

 "Go  on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills,  round t'e bends. Day after day, week  after week.               

  No  matter if it's oicy, rainin?,> snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why  would they torture themselves like that?" 

  "Tis all for the prestige and of course, the  money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?.                                         

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus,  ........"But why do all the others do  it?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ARPoet on July 30, 2015, 09:23
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

?
?
?



A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 31, 2015, 21:38
My mate got a tattoo of an anchor, it's so realistic ..... he hasn't been able to get out of the bath for 3 days now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 05, 2015, 14:41

A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on August 05, 2015, 15:09
 :lol: :lol: :lol:  So true   ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 07, 2015, 21:06
The Australian bob sleigh team are in talks with Michael Clarke  the Aussie Captain ,they want his insight in how to get a team to go down hill so fast.


The RSPCA have sent thanks to the Australian cricket team for increasing the UK duck population.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 08, 2015, 20:15
If Michael Clarke had taken his team to a dodgy curry house Wednesday night, that would have definitely guaranteed the runs.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 09, 2015, 10:47
I was going to say they didn't need to - they got the Trotts anyway :lol: but my OH informs me he's retired now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 17, 2015, 08:08

Freya was driving her car home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift.

With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

"It's a bottle of whiskey that I got for my husband."

The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on August 17, 2015, 11:11
 :lol: 

Good un'  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 18, 2015, 22:03
Very good!!

Hopefully somebody will be along with some cricket jokes when England lift the Urn shortly...............
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 23, 2015, 08:53
Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!'

people just cheered.

Br.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 25, 2015, 08:34
 Better than a Flu Shot! 

  Miss Beatrice,The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her

sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ

 the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water

floated of all things, a condom! When she returned  With tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he

could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? ,Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?  I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little 

package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread

of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
 

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 25, 2015, 16:40
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: dugless on August 25, 2015, 19:54
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.
Sorry don't get that one
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 25, 2015, 19:58
Walking the plank instead of walking the dog  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 25, 2015, 20:12
Breaking news .....

The man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 25, 2015, 21:31
And the banana merchant who was sued over injury sustained by a feller on his premises when he lost his footing....
Heard he lost it on appeal.

And the offender ordered to wear 10 denier black stockings all the time.
Some sort of suspendered sentence.

One judge pronounced his verdict in fluent Klingon.
People said he was unnecessarily harsh.

One burglar was convicted of multiple burglaries of Frodo's home, Bilbo's home and lots of other premises in the Shire.
Seems he was a hobbitual offender.

In pre-sentencing it was revealed the offender had previously stolen bench seating.
Had form.

Of the five members of the Court Martial panel, the Lieutenant and Captain said not guilty, the Lieutenant-Colonel and Colonel said guilty.
So it was a Majority verdict...

"Are you the defendant?"
"Oh no, I got a Barrister to do the defending.  I'm the one wot nicked the motor."

"The Jury have found you 'Not Guilty'.  You are free to go."
"Does that mean I can keep the loot?"

Barrister: "...he was as 'drunk as a judge' at the time.."
Judge (interrupting): "The correct term is '...drunk as a Lord...' is it not"
Barrister: "Ah, yes, my Lord"

Prisoner:  "I'm innocent, as God is my judge!"
Magistrate: "He's not, I am, you're guilty!"



I'll get me coat.  Or nick someone else's....


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 28, 2015, 10:29
and in today's paper I read about the lad apprehended for stealing jellies.
In mitigation it was pointed out that the value was trifling
He was still remanded in custard though....

And in a separate incident, an electrician was charged with battery.
Bit of a bright spark and claimed it wasn't his volt and they should let him go ohm.
Circuit Judge was short with him about his resistance
He is currently locked in a dry cell.

A photographer was arrested for arranging a dozen eggs artistically on the Harvey Nicks descalator.
The charge was 'in descent eggs posure'

A group of demonstrators blocked access to the World Ice Hockey championships.
They were arrested for puck picketting.

"Was the robber armed?"
"Not seriously.  Minor bruises when he accidentally banged his groin on the cell door, m'lud...."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 28, 2015, 18:38
*Groan*  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 29, 2015, 08:36
Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A. One is really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on September 16, 2015, 17:46
Only 99 days to go...

A couple were Chr*@t%4$ shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset becauase they had a lot to do, she became so worried that she decided to call him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said
"Do you remember the jewllers we went into about 5 years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife began to choke up and started to cry and said
"Yes, I do remember that shop"

He replied:


"Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

(http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/wine.gif)

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on September 16, 2015, 18:04
Ha Ha!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 16, 2015, 19:52
For many people on here it takes 24 hours after hearing a particularly awful joke in this thread before they feel able to give it the appropriate response.
Sort of "heard today, groan tomorrow...."


My Mexican pal Jose was visiting Dallas and decided to take in an American Footbal match.
He ws really impressed with the way everyone in the place was determined to make sure he had a good view.
Before the game started everyone stood up and went, "Jose, can you see....?"


Isn't 'Corbyn' a receptacle for dead crows?


Reports today of the sighting of a grey animal with a trunk.
Probably a really old mouse going off for a world cruise.


"How much are your ten quid trainers?"
"Fiver each."
"OK, I'll take a couple...."


Not been on the forum lately - been too busy cutting my lawn with a pair of nail scissors.
My neighbour asked me why I was using the nail scissors.
I had to tell him, "that's all there is - there isn't any mower...."



I'll get me coat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 17, 2015, 04:39
Sort of "heard today, groan tomorrow...."
Groan!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 17, 2015, 06:42
Or as the enthusiastic bull was heard to mutter before being put out to grass, "Herd today, green tomorrow"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 17, 2015, 07:01
or in the last few preparations for attending Queen Mary's Ball : "Hair today, gown tomorrow..."

Or as Secombe said when meeting HRH Prince Charles the day before lunching with Spike Milligan : "Heir today, goon tomorrow...'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on September 19, 2015, 08:35
An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really posh hotel..
 When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £150.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £150.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that £150.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has a heated indoor swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from all over Britain performing here."
 
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

 No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,

 "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
 
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque."But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £100.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the Manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on September 19, 2015, 10:08
Very good, you get two  :D :D for that. Cheered me up  :D :D

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on September 19, 2015, 11:28
Brilliant cadalot! Must remember that one.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on September 19, 2015, 16:02
I wondered what the punch line would be, that is excellent, thank you for posting.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 01, 2015, 05:03
I received a cold call yesterday - the caller asked if I'd been mis-sold TDi
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 08, 2015, 05:03
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 10, 2015, 07:10
Police stop a driver in his white transit van speeding on his way to a building site. The Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 30?"

The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on October 10, 2015, 12:33
My friend Blake and I  were hiking and came upon a big hole in the ground. Blake picks up a rock and tosses it into the hole and stands listening for the rock to hit bottom. Slam!
He turned to me and says "That must be a deep hole... let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." we find a bigger rock and pick it up and drag it to the hole and drop it in. We listened for some time and.... Slam!
Again, we agree that this must be one deep hole and maybe we should throw something even bigger into it. Blake spots a big log nearby.
We pick it up, grunting and groaning, and throw it to the hole, listening intently...... Slam!
All of a sudden, a goat comes out of the woods, running like the wind, and flies past us and jumps straight into the hole. We were astounded.
Tired of the hike, we  walk back through the woods, and a little later meet an old farmer who asks us if we had seen a goat. I tell the farmer of the incredible incident we had just witnessed of the goat running out of the woods, running like the wind and leaping into the big hole.
Blake  asks the  farmer if this could've been his goat.

The old farmer says "No, that can't be my goat, it was tied to a big log."

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on October 11, 2015, 09:11
My Mum, who we later thought of the model for Hyacinth Bucket, had a little poem which may only be understandable to Yorkshire oldies:

If thar Bob dunt gi ar Bob that bob tharree owes ar Bob
Ar Bob's gunna gi thar Bob a bob int' eye.

When I was at Exhall Grange School near Coventry in the 50s stars from the theatre often used to come and give us a concert.  Jewel and Warris gave us this little ditty:

There was a farm near Huddersfield,
That had a cow that wouldn't yield,
The reason why she wouldn't yield,
She didn't like her udders feeled.

There are lots of sayings about us Yorkshire folks:

You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but not a lot.

Yorkshire is the English Texas.

A Yorkshireman is a Scotsman stripped of his generosity.

There are others.

Malcolm
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on October 11, 2015, 09:18
I was supposed to add this one:

The police were very bored having bagged no customers with their speed camera on a country lane when along came a boy racer on a motor bike.  When the Police stopped they said that they had been waiting all day for him.  He replied, 'Well I got here as quick as I could'.  They couldn't do anything for laughing and let him go.

Malcolm
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ARPoet on October 11, 2015, 10:23
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she’s lousy at snooker.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on October 11, 2015, 18:45
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on October 12, 2015, 16:19
The other half is a Trekki fan , I asked her how many ears Mr Spock had, two , she replied.
No , I said. He's got three.

A left ear

A right ear


and a final frontier!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on October 12, 2015, 16:45
What as the USS Enterprise and a toilet roll have in common?
They both get rid of Klingons

What did Spock find in Kirk's toliet?
The Captain's Log

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on October 13, 2015, 09:26
Signs of the times:

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundrette, er, do they still have them?
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES, PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO REMOVED THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office again:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BYCICLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

In a Safari Park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen at a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL IS BROKEN).

On a field gate:
ENTRY TO THIS FIELD GATE IS FREE - THE BULL WILL CHARGE LATER.
I do know of a farmer who did this.

Malcolm
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on October 13, 2015, 12:25
Our aim is to keep these men,s toilets clean , your aim will help.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on October 13, 2015, 20:32
On facebook

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 13, 2015, 20:34
Some of the "best" newspaper headlines of recent years ....

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
How did he manage that?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No,do you really think so?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on October 13, 2015, 20:51
Thank you all for cheering me up after a rough day.  I laughed out loud!

 :D

Especially loved the Hill billies.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on October 14, 2015, 07:34
On facebook

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't never seed nobody do it!'

That is so funny, good job I wasn't eating at the time I'd have needed assistance😀
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on October 14, 2015, 10:55
Thanks grinling and rogerbodger. Gave me a good chortle to start the day. Have forwarded your joke to Mr Snoop, grinling. Having done a first aid course with the Red Cross, I reckon it's right up his street.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on October 16, 2015, 13:46
An Englishman walks into a bar.


There's normally an Irishman, Scotsman & Welshman too, but they're all still at the Rugby World Cup.


                                             (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/getmecoat.gif)

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on October 16, 2015, 20:03
Seen on a Loo wall
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on October 17, 2015, 21:08
A young girl came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what?  We learned
how to make babies today.”  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool, “That’s
interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?”  “It’s simple,” replied the girl, “”You just change the ‘y’ to ‘i’
and add ‘es’.”

Malcolm

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on October 24, 2015, 11:17
This is absolutely true!

A very good friend of ours is the chief barmaid at my local pub. She's worked there for at least ten years, and is excellent at her job. However, although she is a brunette, she should be blonde:

It was a quiet afternoon at the pub, and an Indian guy walked in asking if they served coffees. She said they did, and he then said there were sixteen of them. She said no problem and welcomed them into the pub. All went splendidly well and eventually the initial man came to pay the bill. The following conversation ensued:

Barmaid: Was everything alright for you?

Indian: yes thank you very much.

Barmaid: Are you down on holiday?

Indian: No; we're only down for the night. We're going to Rye for a friend's party.

Barmaid: Good God! It's a long way to come from India just for one night!

Indian: we came down from London. We've lived there for the last four years.

Barmaid: Err . . . . . . ok then (bluuuuuuuush)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 25, 2015, 08:05
My pet mouse Elvis died last night, he was caught in a trap


A woman has been arrested by police for stealing a sign reading "& Emergency", when questioned she said she found it by Accident


What's about a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 25, 2015, 09:45

What's about a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe

Can't wait for my grandson to be old enough to appreciate that one :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on October 27, 2015, 07:18
Thought I'd share this item from bbc.co.uk/news this morning:

Quote
A woman in the US state of Indiana is recovering after being shot by her dog in a bizarre hunting accident, an environment official says.

The woman, named as Allie Carter, 25, was hunting waterfowl on Saturday in the north of the state, Jonathon Boyd, an Indiana conservation officer said.

She put down her 12-gauge shotgun but her chocolate Labrador stepped on it, shooting her in the foot.

To add insult to injury, the dog was named Trigger.

Mr Boyd said she suffered injuries to her left foot and toes and has since been released from hospital.

Ms Carter had not completed a hunter education course and urged all prospective hunters to do so.

Not sure which is funnier, the dog's name or the idea of going on a training course to help you avoid mishaps like shooting yourself in the foot!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on October 27, 2015, 08:16
Trigger  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

That got me spluttering my coffee over my tablet  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on October 27, 2015, 08:47
So now the NRA will say that it is not guns that kill people it is people and - er - dogs.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on October 27, 2015, 08:59
If it had been a Retriever it would have also found and recovered the toes so they could be re attached  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on October 27, 2015, 10:49
If it had been a Retriever it would have also found and recovered the toes so they could be re attached  :nowink:


It may have been a dippy chocolate one but it was a labrador !











(probably et ' em) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 27, 2015, 11:16
If it had been a Retriever it would have also found and recovered the toes so they could be re attached  :nowink:

If it had been a cat it would have eaten them!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 01, 2015, 08:42
My Halloween themed sofa accessories didn't go down well ..... there were grim reaper cushions
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 01, 2015, 10:55
reaper cushions
I must be slow today - took 5 minutes to get it  :nowink:

GROAN!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on November 05, 2015, 15:28
A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Stree on November 05, 2015, 15:48
Little girl complained: "People say to me " Live your dream" but I don`t want to wake up naked sitting an exam I haven`t revised for"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 05, 2015, 20:49
A man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Br

He tried to claim for the value of the two prosthetic lower limbs he said were in the lost case, but the court ruled that he didn't have a leg to stand on....


....and he insisted that the jacket around his shoulders was his property too in spite of being four sizes too large and still having the M&S sales tags attached but the judge reckoned he was just trying it on......

....and he was adamant that it was the Cello he played in the string quartet even though he had a violin case with his name on.  The jury decided he was on the fiddle....

.....and his work records showed that he had been previously employed by a shepherd to drag sheep out of swamps and hedges.  Figured he was a crook....

....and he was the second member of his family to work as an Irish fire iron.  Yep, he was obviously a repeat O'Fender......

....and although he was coated in tinsel and contained a paper hat, a motto and a naff plastic toy, there was nothing to go bang when pulled.  The Police identified him as a safe cracker.....

....and was seen stealing a thousand 'Far Side' books and was duly accused of Grand Gary Larseny......

....while down at Lords a man who bought stolen balls that had been used to hit fours and sixes was described as being a boundary fence.....

....and the chap who kept the books for a firm making padded bras was accused of falsie accounting....




sorry, can't think of any more at the moment



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 05, 2015, 21:40
 :lol: excellent !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on November 06, 2015, 08:59
:lol: excellent !

Seconded!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on November 07, 2015, 12:34
Very good,  Hamstergbert.

A battery and firework were up before the judge for their mistermeaners,  After due deliberation of the evidence , one got charged and the other got let off.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 07, 2015, 12:41
presumably the battery was then locked up in a dry cell (although he insisted it wasn't his volt and they should let him go ohm, he put up no resistance....)


(...and he earlier jumped off a Wheatstone Bridge into the River Thames and..... oops, wrong thread...)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on November 07, 2015, 12:55
And the firework was told that if he was a good boy, then the sky was the limit!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 07, 2015, 16:34
...and perhaps he'd become a star!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 08, 2015, 07:46
presumably the battery was then locked up in a dry cell (although he insisted it wasn't his volt and they should let him go ohm, he put up no resistance....)

Shocking!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 08, 2015, 10:39
Currently am pairly able to resist making a live comment on this topic, but will try to remain neutral.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on November 08, 2015, 11:44
If only to put an end to the terrible puns..........

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery.

He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?” asked the son.

“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best.

Just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me,

your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on November 08, 2015, 11:53
Have another one just to make sure;

A penguin walks into a shop and asks the assistant: 'Do you have any grapes?'
'No,' he replies.
The same thing happens the next day and on the third day the assistant replies:
'No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!'
The next day the penguin walks in and asks: 'Got any nails?'
 
'No!' replies the assistant.

The penguin says 'Got any grapes?'


www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

Go on, click it, you know you want to.....

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on November 09, 2015, 11:57
This was told to me by a girl at school. Exhall Grange in Coventry, in the 50s.  It needs to be read out loud.

OLOLAQICI82QB4IP

Malcolm
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on November 09, 2015, 13:09
On a similar note

11 was a race horse
22 was 1 2
1111 race 1 day
22112

or

2 u c d  GOLDFISH
S I C D GOLDFISH
I C D B D iii's
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on November 10, 2015, 08:35
Another from school,

YYURYYUBICURYY4ME
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 10, 2015, 10:26
Or from the Two Ronnies, the Swedish café sketch:

"FUNEX?"
"S, VFX"
"FUNEM?"
"S, VFM"
"OK, MNX"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 10, 2015, 12:05
XLNT! UR1QD!  :lol: G - UC, IMB9, Y4 N YDL I8U!!  :lol: :lol: :lol: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jaydig on November 10, 2015, 16:32
Not as clever as the previous ones, but the best piece of advice I ever had was what my math teacher, Mr Machin, wrote in my leaving book:-

"Pas d'elle yeux Rhone que nous".

After trying to translate the French I read it aloud, and got the message.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oldgrunge on November 10, 2015, 20:23
Like that one jay dig, you really do have to say it out loud. Thanks for making me smile after a hard day.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 10, 2015, 20:51
...and the instructions to French matelots that sailing time is approaching so they should head for the water:

"A l'eau, c'est l'heure!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 11, 2015, 06:40
This was a favourite some years ago...

Si senor, der dego,
Forte loris inaro:
Daarno loris, daar trux,
Fulo cowsan ensan dux.

translated...

"Si signor, der dey go,
Forty lorries in a row:
Dey'r no lorries, dey are trucks,
Full o' cows an' 'ens an' ducks".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 11, 2015, 13:30
Brutus adsum jam forti
Caesar aderat
Caesar sic in omnibus
In sic Brutusat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 12, 2015, 06:35
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 12, 2015, 09:47
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher...

 :lol:  :lol:   :lol:

Very good Mr G.  Gave me a real laugh this morning  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on November 12, 2015, 11:12
A 😀😀😀 from me to Mr G, have you been talking to your grandchildren again? 😊
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 12, 2015, 14:12
Brutus adsum jam forti
Caesar aderat
Caesar sic in omnibus
In sic Brutusat
Sic transit Gloria????
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 12, 2015, 15:26
A 😀😀😀 from me to Mr G, have you been talking to your grandchildren again? 😊

You wouldn't want to know the rest of them, Snows..;0)

(It wasn't the GCs...)!

Here's the only other clean one...

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of hummus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on November 13, 2015, 19:44
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

I got this from a friend:

I'm on the Oliver Twist Diet:  It's gruelling

Sorry!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 14, 2015, 08:35
You should be sorry - groan  ::)

It did make me laugh though  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 14, 2015, 19:10
Brutus adsum jam forti
Caesar aderat
Caesar sic in omnibus
In sic Brutusat
Sic transit Gloria????
Not until Mundi.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 14, 2015, 19:15
"I've been on holiday near the North York Moors"
"Do you like Pickering?"
"Dunno, I've never Pickered...."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 14, 2015, 20:08
Was that Jean Luc?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on November 14, 2015, 20:38
A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At about 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........”Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a blanket? I'm awfully cold.”

“'I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow!......................That's a great idea!,” he exclaimed..

“Good,” she replied................

”Get your own****** blanket.”

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 15, 2015, 11:47
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Sic transit gloria mundi, as in Illigitimi non carborundum!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 15, 2015, 17:53
Gloria Mundi was a lovely girl, but I did prefer her sister Bankholiday.


Chapibus satibus on a decororum
Deccibus collapsibus, landus on the floorum.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on November 16, 2015, 21:04
Thank you Blackpool Rocket.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 17, 2015, 11:09
Gloria Mundi was a lovely girl, but I did prefer her sister Bankholiday.

Chapibus satibus on a decororum
Deccibus collapsibus, landus on the floorum.

Manibus "Oh Gravitas. Inus pickleorum!
Felis sic, um sorius legus, enda brusibum."  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 17, 2015, 12:25
Whacko, whackere, waili, sorebum...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 17, 2015, 12:49
Aris num et carpe deum. Cura personalis.
Umnus pro de omnibus et ad infinitum.
Condictio indebiti. Tempus fugit est.
Quid in absentia loci. Terra nulleus.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 17, 2015, 18:47
Can I just gently remind you all of the site policies which state:

Quote
•Please don’t use text speak or twitter speak.  Proper English is best. And please make your post inclusive of all members.

Latin might well be the foundation of our language, but it's hardly inclusive (or funny) if jokes are made which exclude many members.  I know some of the earlier posts, if read out, in fact sounded like the English language and were funny - but I don't think this applies to quite a lot of the more recent posts in this style.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 17, 2015, 19:38
It was a school boy, favourite - dog latin.  But it I agree, Yorkie.  We don't really need any more now, best to keep the topic inclusive to all members.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goneterseed on November 18, 2015, 11:19
Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest Irishman to have lived.

He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 18, 2015, 12:27
........and investigators in County Clare discovered what at first appeared to be a mass grave of snowmen but which on further examination turned out to be a field of carrots.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 18, 2015, 12:46
It was a school boy, favourite - dog latin.  But it I agree, Yorkie.  We don't really need any more now, best to keep the topic inclusive to all members.
Yorkie's kind quote from the site policy states "Proper English is best" so may I point out some fundamental errors in your last post. You mis-spelt the word school which I now see has recently been corrected; there should be no comma after the word "boy," the word "Latin" is spelled with a capital "L" and "but it I agree" does not make any sense at all. We all live and learn.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 18, 2015, 12:55
........and investigators in County Clare discovered what at first appeared to be a mass grave of snowmen but which on further examination turned out to be a field of carrots.

That is so daft, but has had me rolling around laughing  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 18, 2015, 13:12
So love "The Snow man" so could have discovered a new coal mine!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 18, 2015, 13:20
It was a school boy, favourite - dog latin.  But it I agree, Yorkie.  We don't really need any more now, best to keep the topic inclusive to all members.
Yorkie's kind quote from the site policy states "Proper English is best" so may I point out some fundamental errors in your last post. You mis-spelt the word school which I now see has recently been corrected; there should be no comma after the word "boy," the word "Latin" is spelled with a capital "L" and "but it I agree" does not make any sense at all. We all live and learn.

Thank you for your comments, GG.  Yes, you have found me out.  I am serverly dyslexic and the new tablet I'm using has no spell checker.   Good job we don't use hand writing here, I can't read that at all!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 18, 2015, 16:31
Following the theme of Irish historians and investigators ...

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.'

One week later, 'The Kerryman,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Toole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing..

Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on November 18, 2015, 17:17
Rogerbodger, that was absolutely brilliant!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 18, 2015, 17:44
Yorkie's kind quote from the site policy states "Proper English is best" so may I point out some fundamental errors in your last post. You mis-spelt the word school which I now see has recently been corrected; there should be no comma after the word "boy," the word "Latin" is spelled with a capital "L" and "but it I agree" does not make any sense at all. We all live and learn.
Knowledge is knowing that Latin is spelt with a capital, wisdom is knowing that nobody loves a smart-alec.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 18, 2015, 19:33
Well said  :)

I got told this one today.

A man was sitting at home when he heard a knock on the door.  He opened it to find a snail on the doorstep, which he picked up and threw as far as he could.
Three years later, there is a knock at the door and the man opens it to find the same snail, who demands furiously 'What on earth was that all about?'

I'll get my coat  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 19, 2015, 23:10
In the Trappist monastery all the brothers had taken a vow of total silence.   
However, the new Abbott decided that as an incentive, the brother who had shown himself to be most devout over the year could speak eight words to the assembled brothers in the refectory on New Year's Eve.

The first year, Brother Thomas was declared the most devout, and on New Year's Eve he stood before the assembled brethren and said "I hate the lumpy mashed potatoes we get!"  He then sat down.
The following year, Brother Francis was the winner, and on New Year's Eve he stood and declared "I hate the boiled cabbage - it's really tasteless!"  He then sat down.
The following year Brother Sebastian was singled out.  On New Years Eve he stood and said "Please stop perpetually whingeing about food!  Pax Vobiscum!"

The next year Brother Simon declared "Pax Vobiscum?  No Latin - the moderators will whinge!"

The year after that Brother Peter mumbled "Think I preferred everyone whingeing about the food!"

After that the Abbbot discontinued the practice...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on November 20, 2015, 07:59
A centurion walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus. The barman says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The centurion responds, "No - if I wanted a double, I’d have asked for one!"

Another centurion walls into the bar and hold up two fingers and says "five beers please"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 20, 2015, 20:24
Roman hoteliers were not sure if one particular guest was illiterate or simply named Mr Ten
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on November 20, 2015, 20:45
Just to lighten the mood a little........

http://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/video/4612389865001/?ref=vidshare

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 21, 2015, 08:09
Just to lighten the mood a little........

Good idea.  It is 'The Daily Funny - Give us a laugh' after all  ;)

And that did - Mad for it!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on November 21, 2015, 11:44
Mmm! Crumpets!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 21, 2015, 12:42
I have a pet Zebra.
It's name is 'Spot'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 22, 2015, 09:00
A woman in a cinema notices the man sitting next to her has what looks like an antelope sitting beside him.  Slightly unsure she is really seeing this, she leans over and nudges him and asks ' Is that an antelope?'.

'Yes its my pet antelope Derek' says the man.

'Why on earth have you brought him here?' asks the woman.

'Well he liked the book' says the man.

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on November 22, 2015, 11:09
A woman walks into a bar to have a drink. The barman says - sorry, pumps are off today." She says "That's ok - I'm not wearing any."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on November 24, 2015, 17:45
A hippo and a rhino get a job as bar staff.

One day a llama trots in and says "Pint of Guinness please"

The hippo says to the Rhino, "That's amazing!  A talking llama!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on November 24, 2015, 17:52
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.

The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 24, 2015, 19:45
Classic and hilarious, Cadders!

Thankyou!

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on November 25, 2015, 06:39
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

 Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

 "Nope, sure ain't," the man replied.

 Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

 The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 25, 2015, 18:54
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 25, 2015, 20:39
Another Rogerbodger classic  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on November 26, 2015, 22:28
Another fabby from facebook
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oldgrunge on November 27, 2015, 21:07
Mrs Oldgrunge and I loved this one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 30, 2015, 18:27
A brass band was engaged to play in the local park. Their contract said that they could pack up and go home if there was no audience, but if just one person was watching, they would have to play their entire one-hour programme. The band began to play, the sun was shining, and there were 80 people sitting in deckchairs enjoying the music. Within ten minutes, the heavens opened, the wind gusted, and the audience ran to take shelter...all except one man. The concert continued. Rain was lashing into the faces of the musicians, their sheet music were being blown away...but one man stubbornly remained seated.

At the end of the concert, the sodden conductor approached the man and said: 'You must really love brass band music'. The man replied: 'Not really, but I had to wait until you finished playing because it's my job to put the deckchairs away.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 01, 2015, 18:05
If you think these forums are a bit dull - why not head over to my pal Richard Cannon's Down the Lane Forums. They had a Christmas Party a few years back

XVMu_eG8mlU
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 05, 2015, 00:10
I didn't really mean you should all go  :(

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 05, 2015, 05:45
Favourite Urban Myth...(or is it..?)

A Well-Planned Retirement
(From The London Times)

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5 .

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the sunny coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million!

And no one even knows his name.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on December 05, 2015, 10:52
The little monkey!  :mad: He's probably lion back on his recliner sipping a vodka and orang-u-tang with his wife(cockatoo-tails to fallow), listening to either Justin Beaver or Seal, and wondering ... rhino-one spotted the elephant in the room I have no ideer, but I think I can manage to bear up under the strain!  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on December 05, 2015, 12:56
I didn't really mean you should all go  :(

Love the photo! :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on December 05, 2015, 13:05
My doctor sent me to the pharmacist for some suppositories. When I told him what I wanted, he turned towards the suppository shelf and said "Walk this way." I said "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need them."  :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 05, 2015, 16:44
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.
He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened....
I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question.
Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road…. ‘
The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ‘
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.
By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up.
He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’
‘Now wot da hell would you say
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on December 06, 2015, 13:10
Did you hear about the man who stole a Advent Calendar?

He got Twenty four days! :ohmy: :ohmy: :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on December 14, 2015, 14:11
Stolen from somewhere else
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on December 14, 2015, 14:17
Stolen from somewhere else

 :lol:

Looks like the air guitar is playing itself.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 14, 2015, 16:02
Are they playing "Little Donkey"?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 14, 2015, 22:24
...to celebrate the birth of a mule-ing Infant King?

...or playing the Rossini tune used for the Loan Manger...

....or at a Quixotically chosen pitch - what you could call the Don Key....

...or a gig playing those golden oldies, frankincensey even olderies and myrrhey downright ancienties....

...played really, really loud for the Herod of hearing.....

...the gig sponsored by French seamstress Lizzie, under her trade name of 'Beth Le Hem'....





(sorry)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 15, 2015, 05:02
I went to see my doctor this morning to see if I couldn't try and sort out these feelings of intense depression, unease and extreme edginess I get every year during the festive season.

He told me to have a cup of cocoa and just get some rest because I have severe Auld Lang-xiety.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on December 15, 2015, 10:10





(sorry)

You're forgiven this time, but please don't let it happen again  ;)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on December 15, 2015, 12:46
Brilliant, Hamstergerbert and Rogerbodger. Gave me a right good grin.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 15, 2015, 21:56
Huge laughs here, all you lot...

;0))))))
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 15, 2015, 21:58

    A touching story.............

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goneterseed on December 15, 2015, 22:34
I bought a new computer. When I turn it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it says "Hello".
It's a Dell.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on December 16, 2015, 09:26
My wife told me she was a very naughty girl and needed to be punished!
So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on December 16, 2015, 12:30
 :mad: :mad: :mad: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on December 16, 2015, 18:37
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable account as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith and I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on December 16, 2015, 22:44

    A touching story.............

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........

Why the life of celibacy??

 Your clear understanding of the different types of flour is evidence of the close attention that you have shown to the activities that your wife performs in the kitchen. Not taking for granted that meals magically appear, your wife will, in time, come to understand that your 'knowledge' of flour can be expanded to embrace the other food commodities that she expertly handles. Having given you guidance in such matters , she will feel confident in hinting when the food item - flour - requires replenishing, and can rest easy in the knowledge that having dispatched you to the supermarket, you will return with the requested item.

A good understanding of the use of a rolling pin and possibly a frying pan may be considered useful. Bags of frozen peas are understood to be beneficial.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 17, 2015, 11:46
That's a very interesting and thoughtful response, Tenhens!

Love it;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 18, 2015, 05:05
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles yesterday, my next toilet visit could spell disaster!

Luckily I'd only swallowed half the set of tiles, the doctor said I'd be OK but not in so many words.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 18, 2015, 12:41
Trying to explain about it further will probably result in all sorts of euphemisms being employed and it is tricky to find enough alternative terms although the family do try.
I'll be the one with thesaurus......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Olorin2001 on December 22, 2015, 22:53
Yesterday, I was diagnosed as being an idiot.
 I returned to the hospital today believing my condition had improved only to be told by the car park ticket machine that there was no change.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aled on December 23, 2015, 10:38
After reading 50 shades of grey my wife told me to tie her to the bed and do whatever I want.
So as requested I tied her to the bed, and then went fishing.


I'll get my coat. :mad:
Aled 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on December 23, 2015, 13:10
She obviously wasn't wearing fish-net stockings then!  :mad: :mad: :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aled on December 23, 2015, 13:23
Nice one Goosegirl LOL.  :lol:
Cheers
Aled
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 23, 2015, 14:37
That's a new angle on it!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 23, 2015, 16:37
Maybe she's fishing for compliments! :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on December 24, 2015, 10:47
... in that case, he's keeping her in suspenders!!  :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: cadalot on December 24, 2015, 12:50
Stockings like sprout bags  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 27, 2015, 16:22
I got my lip balm and superglue mixed up .... don't ask me how it happened, my lips are sealed
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on December 27, 2015, 19:17
Stockings like sprout bags  :D

Time flies like an arrow...


Fruit flies like a banana... :tongue2:

(http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/getmecoat.gif)  :)

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on December 28, 2015, 12:35
This was in one of our Christmas Crackers

What cheese is made backwards?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on December 28, 2015, 16:12
Edam!  Groan!!.... :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on December 28, 2015, 22:59
Yes, indeed!!   It was a Christmas Cracker joke/riddle.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Olorin2001 on December 29, 2015, 02:50
"Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MalcW on December 29, 2015, 12:37
"Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day."

So true. our personal 'cloud' went home this morning after being here for Christmas.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on January 01, 2016, 23:44
"Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it's a brighter day."

So true. our personal 'cloud' went home this morning after being here for Christmas.

I rather like that, thanks for posting.

Not sure who said it , Dennis Thatcher once used ' Better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt'

Another 'pearl of wisdom'   I heard a few years ago was  '' to tell a person to go away but do it in such a way as to make them look forward to the journey''
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 02, 2016, 11:11
Like those Tenhens!

Another old army favourite about a young officer is: -

"His men will follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 02, 2016, 13:52
and of course another classic:

Seen on a gravestone:  'Here lies an Officer and a Gentleman'
"Wonder why they buried the two of them together...?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: RubyR3d on January 02, 2016, 14:02
Another on a gravestone, obviously a bloke of dubious character." Underneath this sod lies a bigger one . " I always wondered what the relation was between the two lol
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 04, 2016, 18:42
I was given an invisibility cloak for Christmas, but I'm going to return it - I can't see myself wearing it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 06, 2016, 05:00
News from the stock market...

Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on January 06, 2016, 08:26
 :lol:

No doubt hiking gear was trailing  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on January 06, 2016, 10:21
 :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on January 06, 2016, 15:32
The market for inflatable lawnmowers is sinking.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on January 06, 2016, 22:58
In livestock, cattle sales show signs of a bull market,

Crampons are climbing,

Jockstraps are holding up well,

Stain removers faded during the day

St Vitus traders are however somewhat jittery,

Shares in Wimbledon rallied well,

Disappointment in some quarters when a much anticipated 'dead cat bounce' turned out to be just some tiny price rally on collapsed shares and not in fact anything to do with felines and tall buildings

Some brokers were caught short on Dulcolax,

Botox firmed up well

After Christmas, brokers fared slightly better than totally skinters
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 07, 2016, 07:23
He's got two children, Eight and Eleven!

Funny names...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Steveharford on January 12, 2016, 20:32

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dave NE on January 17, 2016, 18:50
When I was just a little girl I asked my mother what will I be,
will I be famous, will I be rich,
heres what she said to me,
son, we have to talk.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 22, 2016, 19:36
Two Irish fellas in their local pub sat by the log fire enjoying half a Guinness and having a chat.
In walks a stranger, dressed in his best tweed and wearing some very expensive leather boots and a deer stalker hat.
The stranger orders a fine whiskey and begins to sip it while stood at the bar.
 
"Would ya look at that fella " says Mick to Shaun.
" Looks like he is one of those effluent types to me.....must be worth a shillin or two"  say's Shaun.
"Away and ask him what he does to earn the coin"
 
So...up goes Mick and sidles up to the stranger...."Not seen you in these parts before Sir" says Mick.
 
"Hello" says the stranger "Its my first visit, I am here on business"
 
"What business would that be" asks Mick.
 
"I keep Bees"
 
"What......bumble Bees ?" Mick asks.
 
"yes"
 
"How can you earn money from bees"
 
" Well.....every morning at 07.30 I go to the hives and smoke the bees out....they then fly off to the park to pollinate the flowers...... I then extract the honey they have produced"
 
"Really" says Mick.
 
"Yes.....I then place the honey in glass jars and sell it for extortionate prices in places such as Harrods of London"
 
"Marvellous" says Mick who then returns to his friend.
 
"Well....what did he say ?" asks Shaun.
 
"Your man keeps bees"
 
"What........ bumble bees ? "
 
"Yes........every morning at 07.30 he lets the bees fly off to the park to pollinate the flowers, while they are gone, he pinches the honey and sells it for lots of money in Harrods"
 
" Your man is a liar Mick"
 
" Now why would you be saying that Shaun ? "
 
" Well for a start..... I know for a fact.................the park does not open till 09.00
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on January 22, 2016, 21:16
Sorry Rog but the first inaccuracy is bumble bees don't make honey, honey bees do 😄😄
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 11, 2016, 21:31
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?


.
>


>


>


>


>


Chicken sees a salad.















Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 12, 2016, 09:26
All in the Language

Sean is the vicar of a Church of England parish, on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

"THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW.

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells:

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says:

"Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say: BRIDGE CLOSED?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 12, 2016, 09:47

I have kleptomania, But When it gets bad, I take something for it~

Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in Church.

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

In just two days from now, Tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist With a limited inventory.

I may be schizophrenic, But at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on February 12, 2016, 20:16

......Follow your dreams! Except that one where you're naked in Church.....


Man, I LOVE that dream!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 12, 2016, 22:04
It could be better than the Vicar being naked!  :ohmy: :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 13, 2016, 05:41
Nice one Oakridge!

Reminds me of this: -

Poster in street says 'Buy tomorrow's 'Times''!

Old gentleman peers at it saying 'Damn and blast, I've gorn and bought today's'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 13, 2016, 09:35
There's more, how much can you stand?


I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE, Sometimes I even put it in the food.

When you work here, You can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Red meat is not bad for you, Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Impossibilities in the world
1- You can't count your hair.
2- You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3- You can't breathe when your tongue is out.
Please put your tongue back inside your mouth, you look stupid.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on February 13, 2016, 16:13
 :lol:

Hands up who got caught out by that number 3 (and then read the final line) of oakridge's post?  :blush: :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Dabhand on February 16, 2016, 12:26
I went to visit my friend the other day.... She has got two new dogs... "ooh what lovely dogs" says I.. "what are their names?".... "Timex and Rolex" says she..... "What unusual names" Says I... "not really" Says she..."they are Watch Dogs" !!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 16, 2016, 13:02
:lol:

Hands up who got caught out by that number 3 (and then read the final line) of oakridge's post?  :blush: :lol:



Oops  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on February 16, 2016, 13:40
Loved that joke, dabhand. Thanks.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 16, 2016, 19:50
Random thoughts as we age:

- The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

- Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

- I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

- I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

- Old age is coming at a really bad time!

- Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

- I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights"--I'm just very wise.

- Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper!

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

- The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"--which is shorter than "yes".

- I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

- When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"???

- Even duct tape can't fix stupid-- but it can muffle the sound!

- Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

- Of course I talk to myself-- sometimes I need expert advice!

- Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

- At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

- And, of course ... Have I sent this to you already or did you send this to me?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 18, 2016, 11:37
Thank you Oakridge for posting, brilliant!

Quite a few there that caught the eye, particularly the one about anger management!

Going back to the earlier post , yes I did try it and why is it rude?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 18, 2016, 19:28
Old age is definitely creeping up on me.  Did I say one was rude, I can't remember?

Any road up, as they say, I thought I would share this important information with you:

The Darwin Awards

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked...

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 18, 2016, 22:00
Regarding my earlier post ( 3304 ) I was referring to Oakridge's  post about  'Impossibilities in the World' . I tried no 3 , entering into the spirit of these things and all that.  Why is poking your tongue out considered rude?


Doing the rounds on Facebook is a sign on the Devon/ Cornwall border

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on February 18, 2016, 22:18
Thank you Oakridge for posting, brilliant!

Quite a few there that caught the eye, particularly the one about anger management!

Going back to the earlier post , yes I did try it and why is it rude?

Did I say one was rude, I can't remember?

Regarding my earlier post ( 3304 ) I was referring to Oakridge's  post about  'Impossibilities in the World' . I tried no 3 , entering into the spirit of these things and all that.  Why is poking your tongue out considered rude?

Nobody said anything was rude  :)


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on February 19, 2016, 11:43
Oakridge - "I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights"--I'm just very wise" - means my IQ is about 230!!!  :lol: :lol: Love it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 19, 2016, 12:17
Thank you all for your comments, but you do realise that such thanks will only make me send even more.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 19, 2016, 12:28
Where do you find them?

The first 'item' on your Darwin awards reminded me of Tom and Jerry. Thank you.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 19, 2016, 13:33
"Where do you find them?"  What an interesting question.  They come from another forum with a small quantity of other stuff that interests me but surrounded by tons and tons of dross.  I think it preferable that I just continue doing the filtering.

And another...

Jewish Mother gets her priorities right

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

"So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home ... And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says,

"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States??"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 21, 2016, 19:32
I have a feeling this one, or variations thereon, may be well known.  Anyway....

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Sam, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Sam replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plotmaster on February 25, 2016, 07:21
Saw this on Facebook thought I would share here
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on February 25, 2016, 07:56
Very good!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on February 26, 2016, 12:06
Posted on fb

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on February 26, 2016, 12:19
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

They are all great  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on February 26, 2016, 12:19
Good grins there, grinling. Thanks.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wapello on February 26, 2016, 16:44
My wife and i went to the pictures last night,    we got back home the wife came in and said,,
there's some weired people about, someone has nicked  a pair knickers off the line,, she said i'm not worried
about the knickers  i just want the  8 pegs back,,,,,, :D ::) :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 26, 2016, 19:44
"Curtain Rods" aka "Best Divorce Story Ever"

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...

And, to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 27, 2016, 10:59
Read the above Saturday morning and thought ' What has Oakridge found this time?

A brilliant read , your posts certainly make this reader chuckle, The moral of this tale  'Don't get mad, get even'.?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 28, 2016, 09:57
Heard on Radio 4s 'On Your Farm' this morning:

A farmer and his wife were checking the sheep when the wife said "this ewe has a sore ear, it looks like a strawberry".
"Don't worry" said the farmer "I've got some cream for it".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goneterseed on February 28, 2016, 22:58
WE have had reported sightings of a wild haggis on the allotments. If you see it, stay well clear of it. They are nasty little things and make a horrible noise if disturbed.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on February 29, 2016, 09:27
An Obituary in the Times, nor really a funny, perhaps a long aphorism.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,

-by his wife, Discretion,

-by his daughter, Responsibility,

-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights

- I Want It Now

- Someone Else Is To Blame

- I'm A Victim

- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on March 03, 2016, 21:06
I hope these to pass the scrutiny of the censor.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on Trans-Canada Highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire." I said calmly.

"Well," he asked, "what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know - so I told him, "Hellooo! Those are my emergency flashers!"

-----------

Absolutely clever and oddly truthful this ought to take some of the curse out of it.

THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep, ' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.

(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons).

Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

This is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha, ' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine, ' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies ... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3 'Can you hear me now?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out... '

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on March 04, 2016, 08:04
Laughing very hard.  Having had one of these I can say I felt every word.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on March 04, 2016, 08:48
Oakridge, that was absolutely hilarious.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jaydig on March 04, 2016, 10:12
Brilliant!!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on March 05, 2016, 19:31
When the dwarf fortune teller escaped from the jail the other day the police alert said they were looking for a small medium at large.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 06, 2016, 17:05
Not wishing to get into Moviprep one-upmanship but believe me, it is particularly no fun when the patient is severely disabled, especially if you happen to be principal carer / thunderbox wallah.


And on the topic of cryptic reporting of events, it appears that one of the warders at Barlinnie gaol became deranged and attacked a prisoner working in the prison laundry by giving him the traditional 'Gorbals Kiss' before fleeing.  It was reported in the Glasgow Herald under the headline "Screw nuts washer and bolts"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on March 06, 2016, 19:31
From my childhood 60 years ago a remember another version of the fastener list; washers nuts screws and bolts.
Also from that time OLOLAQICI82QB4IP.
And also we all used to go the pantomime in Coventry and then across the road to the fire station for tea.  During the interval the stars would come down into the auditorium to chat with us. I particularly remember Beryl Reid and Jewel and Warris.  Some starts would come to school to entertain us.  This is a poem from Jewel and Warris:

There was a farm near Huddersfield
That has a cow that wouldn't yield
The reason why she wouldn't yield
She didn't like her udders feeled. 

Bummm, bummm.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 08, 2016, 17:13
Going bald

There's a misconception that men lose their hair. Well as I get older I have discovered the truth. It actually relocates from the head and re-appears out of your nose and ears although some changes form and grows above the eyes.

I'm also very worried that gravity is changing and none of the scientists seem to realise. Things are much heavier to pick up and carry now than they were 20 years ago..

And why do they make clothes out of material that shrinks in the wardrobe?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 08, 2016, 19:50
John - it's the increased gravity that lowers the hair by a few inches from the top of the head to the nose, eye & ear level
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on March 08, 2016, 20:02
Have you noticed that everyone mumbles these days.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oldgrunge on March 08, 2016, 20:05
Very perceptive of you, John. I have noticed these phenomena myself, also, the quality of the printed word is deteriorating too, it's nowhere near as clear as it used to be!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plotmaster on March 09, 2016, 15:38
Funny I don't seem to be able to hear people very well until I look at them, now beginning to wonder how much lip reading I'm actually doing these days. What did you say, Pardon, It's the vari focal glasses unless I'm directly looking at you I can't hear you. :nowink: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aled on March 10, 2016, 08:47
There are many good reasons for drinking
And one has just entered my head
If a man cannot drink when he's living
How the hell can he drink when he's dead?

Anon!

Another written on a gravestone of a Ghillie in Scotland

"If whiskey be the water of life, why am I lying here"....

Cheers
Aled
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on March 11, 2016, 10:09
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now!"

--------------------

As a retired IT Techie this rings so true.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on March 11, 2016, 10:12
A bonus.

Why Facebook exists

This is for people of an older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same Facebook principles. Therefore, every day I go out on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. It works! I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 11, 2016, 22:58
Going bald

There's a misconception that men lose their hair. Well as I get older I have discovered the truth. It actually relocates from the head and re-appears out of your nose and ears although some changes form and grows above the eyes.

Mother Nature must have a reason why it doesn't happen to our fair maidens, instead inflicting it on us male mortals.  Would things be different if 'Father Nature' was pulling the strings.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: LilacSandy on March 12, 2016, 08:08
Would men have babies then Tenhens?
A mummy tummy where you have a stone of flapping flesh
Cannot sit in a room after 40 without switching on and off the heating every ten minutes.
Don't want to cough or laugh without embarrassing yourself.
Growing a beard.
And that's the easy bits.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on March 12, 2016, 08:33
Would men have babies then Tenhens?
A mummy tummy where you have a stone of flapping flesh
Cannot sit in a room after 40 without switching on and off the heating every ten minutes.
Don't want to cough or laugh without embarrassing yourself.
Growing a beard.
And that's the easy bits.

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 14, 2016, 10:18
If I'd known I was going to ignite a battle of the sexes, I'd have stuck with safe, non-contentious topics like should we stay in the EU  :D

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Snoop on March 14, 2016, 11:26
If I'd known I was going to ignite a battle of the sexes, I'd have stuck with safe, non-contentious topics like should we stay in the EU  :D

That's a proper can of worms you've opened there...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 14, 2016, 20:43
What does a proper can look like and why does it contain worms?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 15, 2016, 21:31
"proper can of worms" contains a couple of typos and obscure references that muddle the meaning and origins of the expression.

'worms' is clearly a reference to the 1521 diet of worms, a long ago forerunner of the Atkins diet, consisting as it did of only soil dwelling members of the phylum 'Annelida'. (Believed to have been invented by an early Royal Marines survival instructor).(The diet, not the worms).(The worms were invented by God).(Obviously).

'can' is a mis-spelling of the phonetically similar 'Ken' - this does actually refer to a chap called Ken.

'proper' actually ought to be spelled 'propper', that is, one who props.

Historically it references a chap called Ken who was employed to prop up people who had been rendered excessively weak and unsteady due to over-adherence to the aforementioned diet of worms but who found it so disgusting they did not eat enough to remain healthy.

Pretty obvious, I'd have thought.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 16, 2016, 01:49
And now we can move on to the demise of the ancient craft of saggar makers bottom knocker after worm proppers :)

The doctor has given me a diet sheet. No wonder the NHS is in trouble, 3 sheets of paper that can be summed up in one sentence. "If the food is enjoyable and tasty, it is forbidden."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on March 16, 2016, 17:28
I can think of another use for those 3 sheets of paper.... :ohmy: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 16, 2016, 20:50
sheets of paper? 

...such things as reams are made of.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 16, 2016, 21:02
 :lol: ;)
I can think of another use for those 3 sheets of paper.... :ohmy: :lol:

Surely not the stuff we had to use at school , used to try and hold on till I got home. ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goneterseed on March 16, 2016, 21:13
IZAL.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on March 16, 2016, 22:25
IZAL - is that a new terrorist organisation? Surely our loos are safe from this?! ;) :tongue2: :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 17, 2016, 16:43
ah, IZAL - the dwarf bread of loo papers.


Confusing for a child ' "West Riding County Council - Please wash your hands"
Why would you have to wash your hands after using tracing paper......
......or using it with a comb to give  spirited rendition of 'Colonel Bogey'......
......or soaking it in a strong saltpetre solution so when dried usable as home made flash paper.......
......or using with a dab of brown sauce and lots of elbow grease to polish Granny's brasses....
(actually polishing Granny's brasses was a mucky job so you probably did need to wash your hands).
(And no, polishing Granny's brasses is NOT some smutty euphemism).


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 18, 2016, 05:00
I can you're on a roll  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plotmaster on March 18, 2016, 07:11
What does IZAL and the USS Enterprise have in common?
They both get rid of Klingons
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 21, 2016, 11:03
Just bought a dog from the local blacksmith.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

(http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/getmecoat.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 21, 2016, 16:44
Sounds like you need to forge a relationship with your hound.   While he's in a creative mood , can you get him to make me some hinges.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 22, 2016, 04:53
My dog lost his tail ...... he's been OK since I took him to the retail park
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 22, 2016, 11:08
My dog lost his tail ......

....but I reported him to MI5 and they slapped a tail on him...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 22, 2016, 13:55
My dog doesn't eat meat!

Why?

Because we don't give her any!

and...

My dog's got no nose!

How does she smell?

Terrible...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 22, 2016, 15:02
Which composer has a name that sounds like the noise a dog makes?
Ah, that must be Bach?
No, Woofgang Amadeus Mozart.....

'ere, your poodle has just killed my rotweiler!
You cannot be serious.
It did - got stuck in it's throat!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 23, 2016, 19:11
My dog can't dance ..... he's got two left feet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DANNY on March 23, 2016, 22:21
A new building site was just starting off and the site forman needed men to do the donkey work ie non tradesmen,
As the site forman was looking out of his office window a ROLLS/ROYCE pulls up and this big man gets out and ask if the jobs we're still on offer for labour work?

Yes replied the site forman.

Can i have the job then "asked the big man???"

Ok then get that shovel and start to move that 3 ton of sand into the dumper truck and take it over to the cement mixer and when you've moved that 3 ton you can start on the 10 ton of chippings.

(THINKING THIS BIG MAN WOULD RUN A MILE) the site forman was amazed when come the end of the week this Rolls/royce driver was still working hard, a good time keeper and no trouble at all.

Friday afternoon came and all the site workers stood in a line to recieve the wage packets for the weeks work,
The site agent said to the ROLLS/ROYCE driver as he gave him his wages '
I dont understand you, i earn three times what you've just been paid and yet i cant afford to own a ROLLS/ROYCE
Whats your secrect then??

Well replied the Rolls:royce owner, Im a very good gambler, i'll bet on anything and i never loose.

Oh really said the site forman, like what do you bet on ,?
Well i bet £10 i can tell you your actual weight right down to the very last ounce without lifting you up. !!!!!!

Ok then I'll take you up on that one, here's my £10, Now you did say to the last ounce didnt you?

Yes replied the Rolls owner.
By now everyone on the site had gathered round to see what was going to happen next!!!!!!

Well come on whats my weight then "asked the forman?

Oh you'll have to drop your trousers so i can guess your weight correctly replied the rolls owner.

The forman drops his trousers and the rolls owner gets a spade and puts it under the formans private parts and then says 12 stone 3 ounces.

No no your wrong replied then forman im 16 stone 6 ounces "you've lost this bet and im £10 better off,
you didnt make any money on this bet did you "Mr Rolls Royce driver".

Oh yes i did replied the Rolls Royce owner, "I bet every single person on this site £20 Each  :wub: i'd have your balls on a spade by friday afternoon.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on March 24, 2016, 15:38
Ah, just like the old "Bankers Bet" story from TES2 Daggerfall.

http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Daggerfall:Banker's_Bet

EDIT : It seems the forum can't handle the apostrophe when it passes you out to the uesp.net site - you will see an ampersand and some numbers instead of the apostrophe so you will have to correct the url.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DANNY on March 25, 2016, 18:36
Mummy Mummy,
I hate my sisters guts,

Mums reply,
Well push them to one side and eat the pea's.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 26, 2016, 08:42
People mock me about my obsession with levitation but I try to rise above it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DANNY on March 26, 2016, 20:13
A young girl was enjoying her 6 week school holiday break when a friend ask her if she'd like to work in her mums DIY shop for a few weeks,
Well the girls had been shown how to deal with customers just pre the first day of the girls "new job"

Now i'll deal with the first customer just as ive just shown you "Said the girls mother"
Now you two pay attention,

Just then the shops bell rang out and the first customer of the day walked in ( It was the new girls mother come to show support to her daughter)

Both girls pretended to be busy putting away rolls of  wall paper under the counter,

Can i help you madam!!! (the shop owner asked)

Oh i hope so ive decided to fit a "dill doll rail all around our lounge walls"

Both girls faded away in fits of giggles as they slipped behind the counter

I think you mean these rather splendid "DYE DOE RAILS" was the reply given by the shop owner,

(some mothers do have um)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goneterseed on April 02, 2016, 22:54
Absolutely shocking behaviour when I was on Paignton Promenade earlier. On the seafront and saw a bloke and some lass having a huge argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl so somebody called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and then took his baton to the chap. The guy then managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and then his wife! Then, out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 03, 2016, 07:54
Don't put a sieve in front of your mouth when talking, you can strain your voice
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 03, 2016, 09:13
Back from holiday now, so....

Performance Evaluation comments:

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12) "A gross ignoramus... 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection..."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29) "One neuro short of a synapse."

30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 03, 2016, 09:22
This one is longish I'm afraid.

As we start 2016, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician...

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

This is something different, addition items should be frequent. Please feel free to send to your friends, everybody needs a bit of humor.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 04, 2016, 04:45
Performance Evaluation comments:

This reminds me of a true story at a large multinational company that I worked for ....

The guidance to managers was to makes positive comments when writing appraisals. One manager I knew was struggling to find anything positive to say about one individual, in the end he came up with "this person is a perfect example to others of how not to do the job"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 04, 2016, 09:30
My daughter is an HR consultant and she has met all these people unfortunately many were the owners of the company.  Also my wife is a former primary school teacher who had to write reports which veiled the truth about the little darlins', but with hidden meanings.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 04, 2016, 13:44
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 05, 2016, 13:09
Is forensics a dead end job?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 05, 2016, 18:54
Today is the last day for have dogs chipped so there was a tail-back at the vets.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 05, 2016, 20:38
Is forensics a dead end job?
I don't know - certainly involves dean man's shoes though :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 05, 2016, 22:06
Nice ones, Oakridge!

Another one, which was an army officer's appraisal

'His men will follow him anywhere, albeit out of curiosity'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 06, 2016, 19:13
"..  an excellent Petty Officer, whose performance assessment of 'EXCEPTIONAL' in the rate seems unlikely to change - unless of course I can discover where he has hidden the negatives...."

"...Able Seaman Bloggins' extrovert nature has caused the First Lieutenant to remark that he 'should be on the stage', followed by information on the timetable for when the next one leaves for Deadwood..."

"... Ordinary Seaman Scroggins has all the attributes of a classic tar - smelly, thick and slow moving..."

"...if stoker Clanker were to desert, the average IQ of both the engine room hands and the crew overall would rise markedly..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 06, 2016, 21:08
ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!

'What powerful rivers!

'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well, ' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 06, 2016, 21:59
 :lol: :lol: :lol:  Very Dave Allen.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 07, 2016, 09:16
Oh, yes, you can hear him saying it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on April 07, 2016, 12:54
Would agree with that,   Had seen the joke before but had forgotten how it finished.  Still raised a laugh.

Mr Allen , the one with glass of whisky??   and the missing finger.    Passed away in March 2005, by the way.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 07, 2016, 21:08
Dave Allen was such a talent - he joked about the touchiest subject (religion) and everyone laughed whatever there faith. The only things that have dated are the suits and gentleness.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 10, 2016, 20:32

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked

'NO REPEATS'..."

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

(I LOVE IT!)

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me!

I want people to know why

I look this way.

I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper ... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

''''''''''''''''

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her ... what does she look like?"

The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom ... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,

let's look for yours."

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you ... stick around awhile ... it will!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on April 18, 2016, 10:16
Beware !

The urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away !







a whim away, a whim away ...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on April 18, 2016, 14:17
Dave Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, wife, daughter and two sons are with him at his home in London.  He asks for two independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.  When all is ready he begins to speak:  My son, Bernie I want you to take the Mayfair houses.  My daughter Sybil, you take over the apartments in the East End.  My son Jamie, I want you to take over the offices in the city.  Sarah, my dear wife, please take the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.  The nurse and witnesses are absolutely amazed.  They did not realise the extent of his holdings.  As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, 'Mrs Smith, you have my deepest condolences.  Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property'.  'Property!' sarah replies 'The pillock had a window cleaning round'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 18, 2016, 16:37
I love that joke, Ginny  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on April 18, 2016, 19:42
Bet they thought he was a right pane!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on April 20, 2016, 13:57
Words of Wisdom

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of

Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George

Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

--James Bovard,

Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case,

Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic

Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

--Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes.

I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when

Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.

The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English

Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native

American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians

--Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 20, 2016, 14:27
Many truisms there, oakridge!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on April 20, 2016, 20:48
In a cloakroom you can always spot the coat that belongs to a politician - it is the one that is picking all the other coats' pockets.

In the politician's dictionary "trust" is defined as "a mechanism for avoiding taxes"

Laboratory technicians believe that politicians should be used in place of rats in their experiments (there is a risk that the lab techs might get attached to the rats)

In shipwrecks, politicians are never eaten by sharks.  There is such a thing as professional courtesy, you know.

When agreeing to a visit by a politician, one should always factor in the time necessary to count the spoons.

If voting achieved anything, they'd ban it.

An English politician, an Irish politician, a Scottish politician and a Welsh politician walked into a restaurant - and every one of them claimed the full cost of all four meals on their expenses.

"Yes, Minister" was not a comedy but a documentary.


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on May 09, 2016, 09:32
Time has passed, I must have been busy doing actual gardening.  Anyway.....

The policeman approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*d told you I was speeding, too!"

...........................

On Radio 4s Today Program today they wanted people's opinion on Brexit but usually they have trouble getting them to commit themselves.  This morning they went to Barnsley - no problem.  As they say you can always tell a Yorkshireman, but not al lot.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on May 09, 2016, 09:37
And another one:

One Monday, in a mid-sized town, Pastor Jones, of one of the larger churches, was walking through the local shopping mall. As he walked through he noticed a sign outside a pet store advertising a

'PET AUCTION'. He thought 'This will be interesting' and so went inside.

As he entered, he heard the auctioneer; "Okay,

Folks. This is the last pet we have today. It is a genuine talking galah (from Australia). Can we start the bidding at $2?"

Thinking it would be a different sort of pet to have, Pastor Jones called out; "2".

There was an immediate response of "3".

So Pastor Jones called "4".

"5".

"6".

"7".

"8".

"9".

"10".

There was silence through-out the room ... The auctioneer quickly closed the auction and it was all done. Pastor Jones had bought himself a talking bird.

As he went to pay for it he mentioned that $10 was a bit much to pay for a bird... "Are you sure it can talk?"

"Of course I'm sure, who do you think was bidding against you? The silly bird never learnt to count past ten or we'd still be here."

So Pastor Jones, slightly put out, took the bird home and at first it was a great novelty ... BUT: it turned out the bird's previous owner was a sailor on a tramp freighter and he had taught the bird to speak with his own tendency to foul (no NOT fowl you idiots) language ... after three or four very embarrassing incidents... (Including one where a young mother who was breast-feeding her daughter was encouraged to "Show us ya bits, Sweetie." ) Pastor Jones decided he was going to have to get rid of the bird. This was not an easy decision to make because he had grown fond of the galah.

Discussing his problem with one of his church elders, the elder said; "how about we try something. I have a parrot that talks but all it does all day is sit on its perch and intone 'Let us pray!' Perhaps the good influence will rub off on your galah if we bring them together?"

Anything was worth a try and so, although Pastor Jones was doubtful he agreed and the next day Elder Pirot brought his parrot around and the two birds were put in a cage together ... The galah took one look at the parrot and said "Hi toots, what's say you 'n' me make some eggs together."

The parrot replied; "My prayers have been answered!"

Well after this the galah settled down a bit and Pastor Jones thought that perhaps he could keep the bird after all ... However ... A burglar decided the Pastor's residence looked like an easy place to get a bit of cash. One night, while the Pastor was the guest speaker at a parish conference, he quietly broke in. He was looking for the high quality electrical goods he could fence easily, when he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he looked around ... but couldn't see anyone. Thinking he was hearing things he was about to turn away, when he heard again, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he realised it was the bird speaking.

He laughed, "And I suppose your name is 'Jesus' right?"

"No, my name is Gabriel. Jesus is the pit bull behind you!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on May 09, 2016, 09:51
You know the saying that you can wait ages for a bus and then three come together, well.....

Most of our generation of 50+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways :

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 09, 2016, 18:46
A bloke on a tractor drove past shouting "the end of the world is nigh"
 
I think it was farmer Geddon
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 09, 2016, 19:16
Scientists think there may be female hormones in beer, this explains why if you drink too much you cannot drive properly or shut up ! ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on May 12, 2016, 16:41
What Oakridge says is very true.
Life was different in the 50's.
I remember that every uncle who visited just had to grab hold of me and lift me up in the air.
This inevitably resulted in my head banging on the ceiling causing lots of tears and embarrassment.
I got shouted at by Mom for making such a fuss. There was no sympathy.

As I grew up I got ready to run whenever a visitor knocked on the door.
One uncle managed to capture me, and so I protested that I did not want my head banging on the ceiling.
He reassured me that he would not do that, and banged my head on the light fitting instead.
That was even more painful.
I don't remember it happening again after that. Perhaps I got too heavy.
A few years ago my DH admitted that he did it to one of his nieces.
Anyone else had this done to them or did it to a small relative?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on May 17, 2016, 20:20
The winner of the 100 meters was John Barry of the gas board who read the in 34 minutes
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on May 17, 2016, 21:07
The winner of the flat race was 28a Melrose Place, only 4 flats competed
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 18, 2016, 08:10
The steeplechase was abandoned as the steeple could not be induced to run away to be chased.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 18, 2016, 11:34
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's poo an sludge!'
 
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on May 18, 2016, 13:16
Don't you have a nasty feeling that this could be true.

Arranging a Christmas Party for the Staff!!!!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 1, 2015

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 2, 2015

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 3, 2015

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 4, 2015

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

to the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All  Employees

DATE: November 5, 2015

RE: The Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian idiots!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you  wierdos can kiss my ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Btch from Hll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 6, 2015

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 04, 2016, 19:21
Mary said to Paddy, 'If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like to be with you?' Paddy replied, 'Me uncle Mick'.
'What's so special about him?' asked Mary,
'He's got a boat' replied Paddy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on June 06, 2016, 09:10
Jewish Wisdom

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a damn wall."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 06, 2016, 14:53
Scientists think there may be female hormones in beer, this explains why if you drink too much you cannot drive properly or shut up ! ;)
I think they're called "Alestrogens" because women need them to cope with their male counterparts who think they drive like Jenson Button but never realise they should button up when she finds he took her car to the pub, got a bit tiddly, walked back home and said " I can't do parallel parking - your mirror wasn't set up properly." She then replies "Should have gone to Doo-dahs and, while you were there, they could have tested your hearing as well, because I have to keep repeating everything I say to you." He replies "Eh? When was that?" She says "When I got my Advanced Driving Test and you thought it meant how to use the accelerator and, when you walk back to the pub to retrieve my car, please shut up the garage door, but only after you've finally realised how to work the remote control."  :lol: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on June 18, 2016, 20:57
Archeologists digging by one of the Pyramids have found a Mummy coated in  nuts and chocolate , the think it could be  Pharaoh Rochet


Why didn’t Cleopatra go to the psychiatrist?


– She was the Queen of Denial!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 04, 2016, 18:36
You may find the following amusing, apparently doing the rounds on social media.

Public quitters

Chris Evans   Ginger
David Cameron  Posh
Roy Hodgson  Sporty
Boris Johnson  Baby
Nigel Farage  Scary
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 05, 2016, 21:06
Rather than shed a tear of sadness over the performance of the England football (allegedly!)  team thought it might be apt to laugh at their expense.   I'm sure they've got broad shoulders, they can take it.

 
England  have a new sponsor:  EASY JET.

In and Out of Europe in 90 minutes.



Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog?

A: Because they can't hold on to a lead.


Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag?

A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer


Q: What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team?

A: They are both useless in Europe!


Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England?

A: O J Simpson had a more credible defence


Q. What's the difference between the England football team and a jet engine?

A. A jet engine eventually stops whining.


Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2016 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box.



Q: What's the difference between The Invisible Man and England?

A: You've got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the Euro's.


Q: What's the difference between a PG Tips monkey and a England footballer?

A: A PG Tips monkey has been seen holding a cup.


Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:

"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."

So, one of them asked the other: "When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"




Apparantly, the England football team is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.

- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.



Q: How many England players does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.



 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 05, 2016, 22:04
I understand that a fan had to be prevented from christening his baby son after the entire England team as it was felt the name "Useless Overpaid Embarrassing Talentless Slackers Bloggs" might be hurtful.

The England players' performance was so bad that their own clubs didn't want them back.  They were briefly cheered by a rumour that Juventus was interested in buying most of them but it turned out that it was Fray Bentos that wanted them as corned beef.

In future games England will be doing a lap of honour if they win the toss up, on the basis that is the only success they are likely to achieve.

And one that says it all for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7d4I-HR6iw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7d4I-HR6iw)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 06, 2016, 06:55
Excellent, Hamsters!

Wasn't there a 'song' for the Whorl Carp back in the late sixties called 'Back home'?

They were last week, and pretty damn quick too.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 06, 2016, 11:29
To all of the above re- England's recent performance (or should I say - so lack-lustre they need all that silver polish now) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: As for Iceland and Wales? Win or lose, the "Punch line" must be: "That's the Way to do it!"  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 06, 2016, 14:44
I hear that some wag has re-worked an tv ad for a frozen food retailer and used the faces of the England players.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 07, 2016, 12:09
I hear that some wag has re-worked an tv ad for a frozen food retailer and used the faces of the England players.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goneterseed on July 13, 2016, 21:46
So we have May as PM, Hammond as Treasurer................

Top Gear fans are wondering who is next.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 14, 2016, 10:29
As so-called 'Big Beast' Kenneth Clarke is understood to be ignoring Boris as the new Foreign Secretary, I guess the grouping is now May, Hammond and Clarke's shun.





I'll get me goat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 14, 2016, 11:59
As so-called 'Big Beast' Kenneth Clarke is understood to be ignoring Boris as the new Foreign Secretary, I guess the grouping is now May, Hammond and Clarke's shun.





I'll get me goat.

Come back this instant!

It's May opening the batting, with Hammond at No two!

The commentator is Johnson (spelling mistake there)...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 14, 2016, 21:54
"May and Hammond are being sensible, while Jeremy is as usual ridiculous".

I reckon Hansard could save a bob or two on parliamentary reports by recycling old Top Gear reviews.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on July 14, 2016, 22:04
Come on every one, let's get back to some funny jokes.  The last 9 above are rubbish  ::)  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 15, 2016, 06:09
Why did the chicken go to the medium?

To get to the other side.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on July 15, 2016, 19:43
An elderly Bosnian man who lived on the outskirts of sarajevo went to his local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional box, the man said:

"Father, during the Balkan war in the 90s , an incredibly beautiful young Slav woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Serbian militia. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

The man continued: "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was quite a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that ?" asked the priest.......


"Should I tell her the war is over ?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on July 15, 2016, 20:50
I knew this real tough chicken.
He had been a bad egg when he was younger.
His disappointed mother said "If your father could see you now he'd turn over in his gravy...."


An eccentric poultry farmer drove around in a cart pulled by a team of cockerels led by a hen that was twice the usual size.  One day he was out driving and the hen slipped its harness and ran away, at which all the cockerels sat down and refused to move. An RAC man found him stranded on the side of the road and examined the team of cockerels and the empty lead harness and nodded knowingly.  "Ah!" he said.  "Your big hen's gone".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on July 31, 2016, 18:49
I was attacked by a mime artist - he performed unspeakable acts on me..... :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on July 31, 2016, 21:31
 :ohmy: indeed

 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on August 03, 2016, 20:33
From "The Men in the Ministry"

Sorry I'm late, but I had a problem with my back.......it didn't want to get up from the mattress
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 27, 2016, 06:53
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on September 05, 2016, 21:48
What's worn under the kilt?

Nothing....it is all in perfect order


C/O  Betty Witherspoon Show
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on September 07, 2016, 07:13
I had to think about that one but got it in the end. I had to place the emphasis on the "worn".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 07, 2016, 21:38
There are 10 different types of people : those who operate in binary and those who don't.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 08, 2016, 04:55
A man is sitting at the bar with an empty glass. The barman says to him, 'Would you like another one?' The man replies, 'Why the hell would I want another empty glass?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 10, 2016, 10:43
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

++

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never seen herbivore.

++

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on September 10, 2016, 20:03
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on September 10, 2016, 21:26
Like those ,  JayG

They remind me of Tim Vine's humour , which is where the following have come from.


Phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

 "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

 "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 10, 2016, 21:37
Brilliant, Ten hens,.  Very Jack Benny  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on September 13, 2016, 11:43
Here's some more from Mr Vine

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

 I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...

' So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JudithD on September 15, 2016, 17:37
My husband just told me this one, don't know why:

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes,
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the Doctor asked him 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced
our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with
my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up I yelled to my wife:
'Hey, this looks like yours!'
'I don't remember much after that'.’
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on September 28, 2016, 23:03
Following the change in Sam Allardyce's circumstances . he has become the most successful manager in England football with a 100% win rate.

Channel Four are in discussions with him for the next series of Bake Off , apparently he needs the dough.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on October 01, 2016, 11:08
Why could the pirate not play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on October 02, 2016, 14:09
I went to night classes to do pottery and I fell in love with it. At first I became a little potty, then I went psychoceramic! (Attributes to Ken Dodd).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: oakridge on October 07, 2016, 09:20
Having done quite a lot of tech support before I retired this really hit the spot.

http://www.wimp.com/tech-support-in-the-middle-ages/
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on October 07, 2016, 17:03
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 07, 2016, 21:17
Prefer it Jeb style meself!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG7hYnMyxyY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG7hYnMyxyY)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on October 11, 2016, 21:27
This clown thing is getting stupid. They have even sacked the clown at blackpool pleasure beach for being too scary!
 He's apparently suing them for funfair dismissal.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 12, 2016, 19:47
Clowns are getting some unfair bad press at the minute .... only the other day one held the door open for me, I thought what a nice jester
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wapello on November 16, 2016, 20:56
 Hospital Bill (You gotta love this) 

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 999  when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
  "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"         

He replied, "No money in the bank."

do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."                                                                   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 15, 2017, 08:11
It was the dead of night and the hedgehog family are stood at the side of the road
Father turns to mother and says "I think it's time", mother looks back and agrees.
Father then turns to his son and says "Son, we're going to teach you how to cross the road safely"
The tiny hedgehog looks back at his father with a mixture of excitement and fear and says "OK Dad, I'm listening"
"It's actually quite simple" starts the elder hedgehog, "All you do is run to the middle of the road, if you see 2 bright white lights coming then line yourself in the middle and wait for the car to pass. After it's passed check there's not more white lights, then look at the car that's passed and check for red lights disappearing into the distance. When you see this, it's OK to continue across the road." "OK Dad, I've got it" replies the youngster. "In that case your mother and I will demonstrate" says Dad.
Father starts crossing the road, sees a car approaching, lines himself between the headlights, waits for the car to pass then continues across the road.
"Did you see that?" Mum says to her son. After a positive response she tells her son to watch while she gives another demonstration.
Mum leaves the side of the road, lines herself up between the headlights of an approaching car and waits for it to pass. When clear she continues her journey across the road.
"Did you see that?" the parent shouts across the road. "Yes Mummy, I saw what you did" came the reply. "OK, it's your turn".
The tiny hedgehog runs to the middle of the road, lines himself up between the approaching headlights. All of a sudden there's blood and spines all over the road.
Father turns to mother and says, "What bad luck, I've not seen a Reliant Robin in a long time"


"borrowed" from another forum
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 29, 2017, 07:48
I phoned our local Chinese restaurant last night and ordered a 34 and a 13. I then asked if they did takeaways, and they replied "21"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DIGGER on January 30, 2017, 03:45
Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards.

Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on January 31, 2017, 21:56
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on February 05, 2017, 22:46
I phoned our local Chinese restaurant last night and ordered a 34 and a 13. I then asked if they did takeaways, and they replied "21"


And the sad thing is it took me a good minute to get that 1  ::)  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DIGGER on February 06, 2017, 16:37
This is the third year in a row that I have had a camouflage themed party.
Once again no one has turned up
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 06, 2017, 20:28
You obviously didn't see them coming :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DIGGER on February 08, 2017, 08:43
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with the monkees. I thought she was joking ,then I saw her face.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 08, 2017, 15:50
Cheer up, Aubergine!

(Sorry, Sleepy Jean)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: digger1 on February 08, 2017, 18:38
A young man watched an elderly couple sit down to lunch at a restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries – one for him, one for her, until each had an even number.
Then the old man poured half the soft drink into the extra cup and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat and his wife sat watching with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man hesitated, then approached the couple and asked if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they wouldn't have to split theirs.
The old man said, "Oh no. We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been, and always will be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the old woman if she was going to eat.
"Later," she replied. "It's his turn with the teeth
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DIGGER on February 09, 2017, 18:43
Mate of mine just had a break in ,had his Bob Marley albums and his sky box taken.

No music no sky
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 11, 2017, 07:27
When I was in Australia, I saw an old man singing "Dancing Queen", I think he was an ABBArigine
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goneterseed on February 12, 2017, 17:57
My missus has asked me to get her something silky for Valentine's day,
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 12, 2017, 18:16
I hurt my arm this morning and was in hospital waiting for an x-ray
As I was sitting waiting to be seen the lad next to me says,
“Fair fa’ yer honest sonsie face!
Great chieftain o’ the pudding race!”
I turned my head round to the lady sat on the other side of me and she said,
“Wee, sleekit, cow’rin tim’rouse beastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie!”
Surprised I said to the next doctor walking past, “here mate, is this the psychiatric ward?”
No, sorry, this is the Burns unit”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DIGGER on February 12, 2017, 21:27
I just read the worst page in the entire dictionary .
Disgraceful
Disgusting
Dishonest
Disingenuous
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on February 13, 2017, 19:46
My missus has asked me to get her something silky for Valentine's day,
No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour!!

 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: MidlandBrewer on February 13, 2017, 20:09
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DIGGER on February 19, 2017, 08:46
I keep getting nuisance calls on my mobile.

The same call every 10 minutes saying ,you said you would be back from the pub 3 hours ago..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 07, 2017, 09:25
Not been in for a while so might be a pearoast:

Somebody put 2" of top soil on my allotment last week. I went back yesterday and they had added another 2".

The plot thickens.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 07, 2017, 17:48
Somebody put 2" of top soil on my allotment last week. I went back yesterday and they had added another 2".

The plot thickens.
Do the mods need to dig into this a bit deeper, as I suspect dirty jokes are not permitted
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on March 07, 2017, 20:22
 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 08, 2017, 20:06
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

It's nice to be appreciated!

Have another;

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I approached the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/censored.gif). He's never been out of the back garden!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 08, 2017, 20:27
Good one! I didn't see it coming  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 11, 2017, 14:47
That fellow's dog wasn't really a talking dog at all.
His cat was a ventriloquist.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on March 14, 2017, 11:15
A previously unknown fact about the Battle of Hastings. In order to keep as many men in fighting order they had specially-trained medics on the field. When King Harold was hit in the eye by an arrow they immediately rushed up to him and said .... "Keep blinking, H, it'll work its way out. Have you tried pulling your eyelid down?"
Courtesy of Ken Dodd!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 14, 2017, 20:47
A previously unknown fact about the Battle of Hastings. In order to keep as many men in fighting order they had specially-trained medics on the field. When King Harold was hit in the eye by an arrow they immediately rushed up to him and said .... "Keep blinking, H, it'll work its way out. Have you tried pulling your eyelid down?"
Courtesy of Ken Dodd!  :lol:

Ha ha ha, Goosey!

By coincidence, I'm going to Battle Abbey tomorrow to meet the school people, so I'll include this little anecdote just a few seconds before they throw me out..;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 15, 2017, 09:28
One of the last things Harold said;

"You want to watch out for that bloke over there, he's going to have someone's eye out in a minute"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 15, 2017, 09:49
Before scissors they used to say "Don't run with arrows".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on March 15, 2017, 12:33
One of the last things Harold said;

"You want to watch out for that bloke over there, he's going to have someone's eye out in a minute"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: He was obviously a Health and Safety advisor who should have been aware of this possibility. As you well know, the financial cutbacks at that time, such as the reduction of the fletchers' hourly rates so their targets couldn't be guaranteed, the 14th October wasn't the best time to pluck feathers even from a pheasant, the clocks were due to be turned back thus shortening the daylight by an hour so anyone with less than 20:20 vision was severely impaired, and the only protective equipment they had not been beta-tested before use. I'd love to see his Risk Assessment!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 15, 2017, 22:25
Tried a different pub last week.  I'm not saying it was rough, but the first question in the pub quiz was "Who are you looking at?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 16, 2017, 03:14
Tried a different pub last week.  I'm not saying it was rough, but the first question in the pub quiz was "Who are you looking at?"
There was a pub near where I worked once where I was warned to avoid eye-contact and not stare at anyone - that included the stripper! I decided I could forego the pleasure  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 16, 2017, 06:30
Cheltenham tip of the day .... Lunch Hour 12/1
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 16, 2017, 08:30
Tried a different pub last week.  I'm not saying it was rough, but the first question in the pub quiz was "Who are you looking at?"
:D :D


There was a pub near where I worked once where I was warned to avoid eye-contact and not stare at anyone - that included the stripper! I decided I could forego the pleasure  ::)

When I worked in Manchester & Oldham for about a year, this was back in the early 80s, I was told to be careful about going out on a Friday & Saturday night & try not to open my mouth, because I'm from dahn sarf.
Fortunately the business I was in dictated I was always working in the evenings ;)

Back to the laughs.....

Someone has described one of our "leading" politicians as "having the intellectual dexterity of a cinamon whirl"  (http://www.jonrb.com/emoticons/rotfl.gif)

Br.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 16, 2017, 08:44
Cheltenham tip of the day .... Lunch Hour 12/1
:D
You almost had me looking that up
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rosiecider on March 17, 2017, 11:04
I bought two racing snails the other day.

They go pretty fast but I thought if I streamlined them they could go faster.

So I took off their shells but not they’re just sluggish!!  :lol: :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 17, 2017, 12:01
Cheltenham tip of the day .... Lunch Hour 12/1

Very slow on that one, I must admit.  I thought , what's betting tips doing on here/?

Then the penny dropped!!

Like the snail one.

Not only were they sluggish , they'd be shell shocked!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rosiecider on March 17, 2017, 13:01
Cheltenham tip of the day .... Lunch Hour 12/1

Very slow on that one, I must admit.  I thought , what's betting tips doing on here/?

Then the penny dropped!!

Like the snail one.

Not only were they sluggish , they'd be shell shocked!!

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 17, 2017, 17:02
Read somewhere that yoghurt was good for the digestion, so decided to give it a try.

On opening the carton I heard a rather posh voice saying 'once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more', which I found a little alarming until I realised I'd bought cultured yoghurt.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 17, 2017, 17:15
groan!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 18, 2017, 20:21
The Beach Boys walk into a pub

"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 18, 2017, 20:32
Read somewhere that yoghurt was good for the digestion, so decided to give it a try.

On opening the carton I heard a rather posh voice saying 'once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more', which I found a little alarming until I realised I'd bought cultured yoghurt.

groan!

Well, at least it was more or less home groan.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on March 19, 2017, 09:02
Well, at least it was more or less home groan.  ;)

You're not helping you know  :lol:

On a food theme - how do you judge character with a doughnut?  Put one in front of someone and ask them what they see.

An optimist will see the doughnut, a pessimist will see the hole and a realist will see the calories.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: yorky on March 19, 2017, 21:26
What do you call an Alligator that's wearing a vest?


An investigator.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 20, 2017, 05:51
I heard on the news that an alligator had been found in the Artic, the locals said they were not surprised because they were expecting a cold snap!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on March 20, 2017, 10:48
An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: azubah on March 22, 2017, 16:35
Some there I have never heard before, thanks for the laugh, much appreciated.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 23, 2017, 17:41
I think I've been eating too much salmon recently; I've just tried to run up a down escalator.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on March 23, 2017, 22:20
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 24, 2017, 16:42
I think I've been eating too much salmon recently; I've just tried to run up a down escalator.

You must be stark stairing bonkers then...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gobs on April 17, 2017, 23:40
Can I put a joke in here? I don't see such topic going.



The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on April 18, 2017, 18:59
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on April 18, 2017, 19:40
The WI Ladies will like that tomorrow when we meet to celebrate with a St. George's Day tea  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Thank you Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on April 18, 2017, 21:51
What do you call a pig with laryngitis?

Disgruntled  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on April 19, 2017, 13:01
I wanted to cook a really special roast dinner, so went to the butchers to ask him whether he kept dripping.

'Yes,' he said, 'embarrassing isn't it?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: gobs on April 28, 2017, 20:11
It is. ;)

Off he went orienteering. Not too long time passed, when...

- Are you back already?
- I couldn't find the place where the run was.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on April 29, 2017, 20:39
I fell over this sleeping bag....she was not pleased


Frankie Howerd Variety Show
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on April 29, 2017, 21:08
A little old lady went into the lost property office and asked the man behind the desk if he had seen her umbrella.
No he replied. So she showed it to him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 06, 2017, 09:42
What do you call a vampire bee?
The pollen count
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 06, 2017, 13:34
Just to let you know, I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now-oooooooooooooooooow!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 07, 2017, 07:17
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a term dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this term, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have got an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on May 07, 2017, 08:06
 :lol:

I like that one.  Proof that the 'I know nothing' philosophy of life is the smart way to go  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 08, 2017, 08:19
OLDIE THOUGHTS

1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner last night. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to  prepare Tofu (a)Throw it in the rubbish bin (b) Grill some meat.

4. I just  did a week's worth of cardiovascular exercise after walking into a spider's web.

5. I don't  mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero degrees they closed school?  Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this...

11. I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. October 30th, 2017 will be the end of British Summer Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on May 08, 2017, 16:36
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on May 09, 2017, 13:59
Oldies Thoughts - Brilliant - I would love to take that to WI tomorrow, but don't know how to print it off  :nowink: Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 09, 2017, 14:57
Oldies Thoughts - Brilliant - I would love to take that to WI tomorrow, but don't know how to print it off  :nowink: Mrs Bouquet

If you highlight the text using your mouse, then copy and paste it into Word or Notepad (Windows) you can print it out from there.

(If you've got a tablet or portable device you can just open the right page before you go and take it with you - you won't need an internet connection to view it unless you accidentally close the page down.)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 09, 2017, 17:43
There once was a boy from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 09, 2017, 18:19
Quote
There once was a boy from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two
He can't find a rhyme,
though he looked for some time,
but that's strictly between me and you.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 10, 2017, 12:44
I once knew a fellow called Stan,
Whose limericks just wouldn't scan.
When told this was so
He replied, "Yes, I know,
But I always have this compunction to try and cram as many words into the final lines of 'em as I possibly can."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 10, 2017, 14:21
There was a man from Darjeeling,
Who boarded a bus bound for Ealing,
It said on the door,
Please don't spit on the floor,
So he stood up and spat on the ceiling.

Spike Milligan  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 10, 2017, 17:09
There once was a boy from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two

That's been making me chuckle all day for some reason.  :lol:

It can't be improved but I can't resist adding 2 more lines:

I find it outrageous
And pray not contagious...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on May 10, 2017, 17:28
There was a surrealist called Dali,
A fish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on May 10, 2017, 18:46
Oldies Thoughts - Brilliant - I would love to take that to WI tomorrow, but don't know how to print it off  :nowink: Mrs Bouquet

If you highlight the text using your mouse, then copy and paste it into Word or Notepad (Windows) you can print it out from there.

Thanks for th print-out info, I got it copied and went along, then we ran out of time - another day, another dollar !!!!!!,  Thanks again, Mrs Bouquet

Edited to fix quotes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Paul Plots on May 11, 2017, 01:48
There once was a boy from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two

That's been making me chuckle all day for some reason.  :lol:

It can't be improved but I can't resist adding 2 more lines:

I find it outrageous
And pray not contagious...

Pity the boy from Peru
Who couldn't get past line 2 :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 13, 2017, 00:08
The Welsh NHS was not affected by the ransom software that has hit the English NHS. The Commodore 64 is a robust machine and continues to function as normal.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 13, 2017, 08:34
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on May 13, 2017, 13:01
John, It is interesting to hear they finally upgraded from the Dragon 32 then. Faithfully providing computer resources to Wales since the 80s.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 13, 2017, 22:15
John, It is interesting to hear they finally upgraded from the Dragon 32 then. Faithfully providing computer resources to Wales since the 80s.
:D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 16, 2017, 19:34
I bought myself 2 jigsaws recently. I am pleased to report that I completed the first one in just over 2 weeks, quite an achievement as it said 3-4 years on the box. The other one is proving to be more difficult, it's made by a company called Kelloggs, has a picture of a tiger on the box, but all the pieces look the same and I have yet to find any black bits to match the tiger's stripes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 16, 2017, 20:22
I bought myself 2 jigsaws recently. I am pleased to report that I completed the first one in just over 2 weeks, quite an achievement as it said 3-4 years on the box. The other one is proving to be more difficult, it's made by a company called Kelloggs, has a picture of a tiger on the box, but all the pieces look the same and I have yet to find any black bits to match the tiger's stripes.

It's actually a cereal killer Roger...

Coat applied for...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: aelf on May 17, 2017, 11:17
The urge to sing 'A lion sleeps tonight' is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 21, 2017, 05:52
I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 21, 2017, 06:37
I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

I bet you were over the moon  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 29, 2017, 18:45
A man walks into a book shop, and asks the cashier "Do you have the Oxo cookery books?"

"No" replied the cashier, "We're out of stock."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 29, 2017, 22:54
I hope he didn't get into a stew about it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on May 30, 2017, 20:54
Best to change stockists when they're that much out of flavour.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 30, 2017, 21:13
Joking aside (?) Oxo was invented in Hawkhurst, and we're very proud of that particular fact!

Carry on laughs please...;0)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on May 31, 2017, 18:10
"I've recently taken up golf, and decided to play a round last week"

"What was your score?"

"72"

"That's fantastic."

"Yes, and next week I'm going to try the second hole."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 31, 2017, 20:23
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning!

Can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 31, 2017, 20:42
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning!

Can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes...

Brilliant!!!  :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on June 12, 2017, 12:37
Two gardeners have entered their potatoes in a vegetable show. One is declared the winner and swaggers over to boast of his success to the other gardener. ‘Not surprised I won, to be honest,’ he says. ‘I thought your potatoes were looking a bit on the small side. ‘That’s true,’ said the other gardener. ‘Mind you, I grew them to fit my mouth, not yours.’
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 12, 2017, 12:53
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 12, 2017, 15:33
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on June 13, 2017, 19:06
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 13, 2017, 22:19
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy...
1 dwarf in 7 is Dopey, but that fact is not big and it's not clever.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 15, 2017, 19:29
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ............
"Why on earth would they want a plasterer??!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 15, 2017, 21:50
Nice one Roger!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 17, 2017, 10:39
A jewish seamstress was walking down the street when a flasher appeared before her and opened his coat. She looked him up and down then said "Call that a lining?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 17, 2017, 12:01
A jewish seamstress was walking down the street when a flasher appeared before her and opened his coat. She looked him up and down then said "Call that a lining?"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - marvellous!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wapello on June 28, 2017, 19:08
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 28, 2017, 19:38
An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

Laugh then cry, Wapello.

Nice one.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 29, 2017, 12:07
There's an 'old boy' growing his prize leeks for an early show in his greenhouse. To bring them on early, he's got his greenhouse double insulated and lined with light-reflecting silver foil. Mixtures of lights hang over the leeks and at night beams of bright light shine out from the small gaps in the foil making the greenhouse look more like the landing site for an alien space ship straight from Close Encounters.
Suddenly the doors are flung open and, with a lot of shouting, six burly policemen burst in shouting that they have a warrant!
Both parties, police and the 'old boy' are confused by all this but after a few minutes all becomes clear. Our intrepid grower puts the kettle on and makes tea all round and proceeds to apologise that he can't help them as he knows nothing about cannabis growing. But all is not lost, he can help them with a lecture on the finer points of propagating leeks for the horticultural show.
After an hour of this lecture (our hero really knows every detail of his subject) the police finally manage to escape and return to the police station wondering how to write this one up!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 10, 2017, 19:57
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate  syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
 
The first worm in alcohol . . .   Dead.
 
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead
 
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . .Dead
 
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive!
 
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"So, my friends?  What did you learn from this demonstration?"
 
Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


"borrowed" from another forum
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 10, 2017, 23:16
Computer programs are like women. No matter how much you get mad because of errors, you are always the one who is wrong.


My wife said "honey, please go to the shop and buy a pint of milk. If they have eggs, bring back six.

I came back with six pints of milk.

She said: "Why on earth did you buy six pints of milk?".

I said: "Because they had eggs!!!!"


Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WirralWally on July 12, 2017, 21:55
There's an 'old boy' growing his prize . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

John !
That was terrible.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 12, 2017, 23:33
There's an 'old boy' growing his prize . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

John !
That was terrible.
It's meant as a term of affection (old boy) and the tale was related to me by a show grower who swore it was true. I thought it was really funny, these hardened police busting in expecting some tough criminal and getting something they really didn't expect plus a story to dine out on.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 15, 2017, 23:11
Murphy's laws of gardening:

"Annuals" mean disappointment once a year.
Your lawn is always slightly bigger than your desire to mow it.
Whichever garden tool you want is always at the back of the shed.
The only way to ensure rain, is to give the garden a good soaking.
Weeds grow at precisely the rate you pull them out.
Nothing ever looks like it does on the seed packet.
Autumn follows summer, winter follows autumn, drought follows planting.
The only way to guarantee some color all year round is to buy a garden gnome.
However bare the lawn, grass will appear in the cracks between the patio paving stones.
Evergreens go a funny shade of brown in the winter.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 17, 2017, 06:08
Sad to hear of the death of George A Romero - but I do hope someone remembered to cut the head off the body.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 20, 2017, 07:59
The instructions on the can of Insect killer said, "Do not spray near eyes". I don't know about you, but I don't find those cans very accurate so I sprayed the whole wasp
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 20, 2017, 20:07
DUI Texas style:

          Only a person in Texas could think of this
          From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

          Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

          The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

          After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

          He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

          Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

          He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

          At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

          The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

          To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

          Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.
 
         "I doubt it", said the truly proud Redneck.  'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on August 01, 2017, 13:50
Why don't Ant's become ill ?

It's because they have Anti - Bodies!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 03, 2017, 21:04
What did the first hat say to the second hat ?

You wait here , I'll go on a head.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 03, 2017, 21:11
Talking of hats, Ten, then answer this one...

A man is standing on Westminster Bridge, and decides to jump off into the river Thames.

Where was he when he jumped?

(This is a following discussion about where a man stood on the same bridge and his hat blew off; what was his telephone number...)!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 03, 2017, 21:20
Talking of hats, Ten, then answer this one...

A man is standing on Westminster Bridge, and decides to jump off into the river Thames.

Where was he when he jumped?

(This is a following discussion about where a man stood on the same bridge and his hat blew off; what was his telephone number...)!
What are you smoking? :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 03, 2017, 21:55
Talking of hats, Ten, then answer this one...

A man is standing on Westminster Bridge, and decides to jump off into the river Thames.

Where was he when he jumped?

(This is a following discussion about where a man stood on the same bridge and his hat blew off; what was his telephone number...)!

Apparently , it's an improper question .
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: slingshot2000 on August 04, 2017, 00:39
I would love to know the proper answer, to either of the above.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 04, 2017, 06:13
A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.
Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 04, 2017, 19:56
I would love to know the proper answer, to either of the above.

So would I Slingers...

I used to have hate-looks from all directions back when I actually 'worked' in an office with a load of others, and kept cajoling them...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 04, 2017, 20:28
"Borrowed" from another forum

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
(https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gKd2xaQ2WdE/Up0LzjRIv7I/AAAAAAAAdWA/B_SEVh6qnR4/s640/1a.jpg)
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
(https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xXyt2s5l3Ek/Up0MQ4DVfpI/AAAAAAAAdWQ/N63g23NKtM8/s640/1b.jpg)
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
(https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ikLrOqA_wgs/Up0MRLBybwI/AAAAAAAAdWY/sLFnqA3XcZE/s1600/1c.jpg)
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-JooMp6UNAac/Up0MROpqroI/AAAAAAAAdWU/KllUO-j7QTw/s640/1d.jpg)
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the blooming R!"
His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
"The word was
(https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kfMhT--6TDs/Up0LzjfKtlI/AAAAAAAAdWE/shyYUQpDrXA/s640/1e.jpg)
..
..
..
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..
..
..
..
..
..
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..
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CELEBRATE!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on August 08, 2017, 22:51
 :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 09, 2017, 18:51
Hollywood are going to make an action movie about the great composers.
Sylvester Stallone said "I'll be Beethoven", Bruce Willis said "I'll be Mozart" and Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 09, 2017, 20:52
The late Peter O'Toole and Richard Burton would of course inevitably have been Brahms and Liszt.

They couldn't find the actor who was Haydn.

And the actor found in the laundry was probably Purcell.

And away in Tescos was the actor who was Chopin...

One actor cast as a composer was really Bizet writing Carmen....



oh, I'll get me coat.....

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Chrysalis on August 09, 2017, 21:51
Very Satie-sfying!

At least no one made a joke about Scheidt...oops!  It's all unRavel-ling.....  Someone has set the Wolf on me and I've got the Byrd.....I shall have to leave Britten........time for a Faure into foreign parts...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 10, 2017, 14:21
Reprise of a post here six years ago...

Two dogs and a cat went to the opera.

The head dog got up on his hind legs at the kiosk, and asked for three tickets in the stalls, and the cashier said

'What on earth do two dogs and a cat want at an opera, you've no cultural training, and we don't let animals in anyway'!

The head dog replied, 'Oh yes we do have a lot in common with classical music and opera, we know more than you think I assure you'!

The Cashier replied, 'What rubbish, I bet you don't know any composer's names'!

The head dog stands up again, points his paw to himself then the others and replies :-

'I Bach, he Offenbach, and this is Debussy...'!

(I'll join you Hamsters...)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 22, 2017, 20:24
Have found the following on the BBC pages from the Edinburgh Fringe


1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on August 23, 2017, 11:41
From facebook

My Grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 23, 2017, 12:36
Nice one, Grinling! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 23, 2017, 18:51
My friend had a carrot that died.

There was a huge turnip for the funeral...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 03, 2017, 21:02
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
 


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 04, 2017, 00:26
Arghhhhhhhhhh! :) :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 04, 2017, 09:17
Two miserable old codgers were sitting in the park, doing nothing but moan.

One says "My wife's so blooming hard to please, she never accepts anything with even a smile, and is always looking blooming miserable! Is your wife hard to please, Harry"?

Harry replies, "Dunno, I've never tried"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on September 06, 2017, 19:15
my wife is vegetarian and keeps having a go at me because i like veal,but she eats baby carrots......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 06, 2017, 20:05
"my wife is vegetarian and keeps having a go at me"

Well, aren't you the lucky one, getting a nibble now and then...!

Paaaah!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 12, 2017, 06:04
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And this one just about sums them all up. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

"Borrowed" from another forum
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 20, 2017, 17:15
BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an airline to court after losing his luggage has lost his case.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 20, 2017, 17:53
Wonder if he was the same chap who took his tailor to court over shoddy goods.

His suit failed.




Or the chap who sued a plastic surgeon for reshaping him as a straight edge.

The judge ruled against him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on September 28, 2017, 19:13
I was about to make a joke about a short sighted stag, when I realised it was a bad idea.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on September 29, 2017, 11:31
I tried hard to think of one even cornea...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on September 29, 2017, 13:55
Or about a blind stag..... no idea

or a blind stag that hasn't moved... still no idea.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on October 12, 2017, 17:49
Mrs Tenhens and I were out and about the other day at a market town when we came across one of those mobile trailer/ caravan display thingys with bunting and flags and banners fluttering in the summer breeze.
Just remembered , I think they call em mobile display units or MDU's   which I guess explains the wheels.

Should I investigate  , and if so will I be parting with any hard earned , decides to take a chance and sidles up towards a banner attached to the side of the MDU and begin to read.

The banner tells me , by the printed text and not spoken words , you understand,  because that would be silly, who ever heard of a talking sheet of vinyl??    that the MDU is from Peeks Mountain Rescue , who the people are that provide the service , fundraising efforts and so on. Quite an interesting read in some ways I suppose.

One of the 'Peeks' people decides that I am worth approaching and homes in , having observed my angle of gaze meandering it's way down the text , decides to engage.
" Can I help you , Sir ?"

  That's a good start ,thinks I , he's called me 'Sir' .

 " I'm not sure, possibly , just reading what you do,  oh yes , do you have a 'contract ' with one hospital for when treatment is required?"

He thinks for a moment , possibly thinking this is a strange question." No , Sir , we take them to whichever is nearest."
"I see, "I reply," thank you"

Another thought occurs , so I ask "What happens when you complete the rescue , treatment is finished and the mountain is sent on it's way , how does it get back to where you rescued it from , I've never seen one hanging from a helicopter or on top of an ambulance"

 

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on November 02, 2017, 09:51
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
 

‘Look Paddy ... there's that flipping idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 16, 2017, 22:10
That was brilliant!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on November 29, 2017, 18:05
Despite of course being highly intelligent (::)) orangutans can often be amused by even the simplest things:

https://youtu.be/OLrYzY3jVPY (https://youtu.be/OLrYzY3jVPY)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 6B on November 30, 2017, 18:12
What do you call two guy's hanging around a window?

Kurt n Rod......................
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 30, 2017, 18:16
Chuckle -  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on December 06, 2017, 15:51
This may be taking ' Give us a laugh' to new boundaries , have been looking at the football World Cup Groups and Schedules on the BBC sports pages .  Group G lists the following

Belgium
Panama
Tunisia
England

Are they trying to tell us something???

Like the 'window' gag, very good!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 07, 2017, 10:09
At least we're not up against Iceland!  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 07, 2017, 20:09
What do you call two guy's hanging around a window?

Kurt n Rod......................

Was Annette there as well?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 08, 2017, 00:02
More a tip than a joke.

If you're ever arrested and get cautioned, just say "It's a fair cop, Guv. You've got me bang to rights." The court will never believe you said it and you'll be found not guilty in a jiffy.

Thing not to say when stopped for speeding on the M1..
Officer, "And why were you doing 88 mph?"
Me, "Because that guy in front wouldn't shift over and let me put my foot down"

Not a smile crossed his face and I knew I was doomed!

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on December 08, 2017, 11:18
The most important thing is to celebrate this Festive Season with epicurean integrity.
Whatever your choice of main dishes, be sure to allow for the highest quality of fermented curd. A meal can be turned into a banquet by the correct choice of a glorious cheese.
Forego the thin slice of mundane normality purchased from the deli counter, or the pre-packed sweaty lump of blue vein, or, even the miniature versions, Baby Belle,  Lunch-pack cheddar, Kraft slices  or Baby Brie etc.
Purchase a complete round, with its beautiful crusted rind and experience the full flavour of your chosen cheese.
Go for the whole item......
for, when it’s Christmas Day ………………………………………..

(to be said in your best Irish accent)
you should never eat The Baby Cheeses!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on December 13, 2017, 11:56
Some years ago, one of the civilian stewards retired from working in the Wardroom mess in Faslane, so it was of course necessary to bring in a suitable replacement, due to start the following week.

    Come Monday morning and the uniformed Petty Office steward found a tall young chap loitering in the Wardroom entrance foyer. "You must be the new steward," he called out.  "Don't just stand there, get your white jacket on and let's get you started."

    The young chap raised on aristocratic eyebrow and replied in full old Etonian drawl, "Actually, I'm Sub Lieutenant Tarquin Artington-Phartington. I'm certainly not your new steward, and I'll thank you to be polite and say 'sir' when you address me."

    Just then the mess manager appeared.  "The new steward is waiting outside my office", he told the Petty Officer Steward. 

    He gestured at the Sub Lieutenant and grinned, "He's not the mess hire, he's just an haughty boy...."




I'll get me coat
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 13, 2017, 14:22
Nice One!  :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 13, 2017, 20:53
More a tip than a joke.

If you're ever arrested and get cautioned, just say "It's a fair cop, Guv. You've got me bang to rights." The court will never believe you said it and you'll be found not guilty in a jiffy.

Thing not to say when stopped for speeding on the M1..
Officer, "And why were you doing 88 mph?"
Me, "Because that guy in front wouldn't shift over and let me put my foot down"

Not a smile crossed his face and I knew I was doomed!

Nice one John!

A good chum had to attend a course after being caught speeding. He's a petrol-head, and thinks he's Sterling Moss or someone younger, but a good pal all the same.

He started by having an argument with the cop running the show, and was probably right in challenging him about a beat-up old Escort having the same brakes as a Merc, so that started the rot. The man next to him leaned over and admitted that he was also a cop, and that my chum was absolutely right, but he'd been 'done', by another force, and the chap wouldn't back down on the ticket!

The afternoon didn't end well, especially when my friend called out to everyone, 'Right, the last person back to Reigate's a cissy'...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 14, 2017, 00:04
We were showing some friends around the area, not rushing at all - in fact I pulled over a couple of times to let others past who were in a hurry. Couple of weeks later the ticket arrived - I thought I was able to do 60 but it was one of those villages consisting of 5 houses and a pub around a main road and a 30mph sign.
I was doing a little over 30 so got offered the course option.
It was obvious they were trying really hard to fill the time allotted and it really dragged. But it did change my attitude in one way - I no longer feel obliged to speed up because others want to go faster. If it's a 30 or 40 limit, I do it. Big queue behind me? Tough. Then again, I'm rarely in a hurry nowadays and if I do slip over Val's happy to point it out loudly :)

However, another true and funny story..

It was our wedding anniversary and I was working late - about 11pm. I grabbed a box of chocs from the garage and was pushing home through a wet Birmingham night. Just heading onto the slip road for the M6 when the blue light appeared  behind me. Pulled onto the hard shoulder and the policeman knocked on the passenger window.
Got the usual sarcastic question "What's the rush?" - quick as a flash I pointed at the box of Milk Tray on the dash and said "Because the lady loves..."
He actually laughed but I could see I wasn't clear yet. Since it was pouring with rain, I suggested he get in the car to book me and he did. Then he asked if I'd been in the pub so I explained I'd been working (sales) and it was our anniversary and I was going to be in so much hot water but needed the sale.
Well blow me down - he started on about how his wife didn't understand him and the pressures of the job and so forth.
About an hour later the rain had eased off so he thanked me for the chat, cautioned me to be a better driver and went back to his car. No ticket!!! RESULT
So an hour's drive later I got home. She doesn't like milk chocs, dinner is in the cat and I might have been better off banged up in a cell overnight.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on December 15, 2017, 13:51
The other day I asked a friend how she was getting on with her new stair-lift. She said " I hate the thing so much that it's driving me up the wall". (Thanks Cheggers!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 26, 2017, 14:15
A chap goes into an electronics shop and starts looking around. He sees a game console and ultra high definition TV, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the salesman; “How much are these console and TV?”

“Ten pounds for both of them,” the salesman answers.

“Wow! Are you kidding me?” The chap replies unbelievingly.

“No, that’s the price,” the salesman replies, “Do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yes please, I’ll take them!” was the response.

He continues to look around and see a home theatre system with bluray player,amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much does it costs?” he asks.

“Ten pounds for the system,” the salesman answers.

“Is it stolen?” he asks.

“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want to buy it or not?”

“Oh yes please,” the customer replies. He looks around some more.

Next the chap finds a powerful laptop computer and a printer. “How much?”

“Ten pounds,” was the salesman response.

“I’ll take that too!” he says.

As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the customer asks him,

“Why are these electronic items so cheap?”

The salesman answers,“Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What he’s doing to my wife, I’m doing to his business!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 29, 2018, 06:10
After lengthy research, scientists have discovered that towels are the leading cause of skin dryness
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 05, 2018, 20:42
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, " How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. - Do you want a bed near the window?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on February 06, 2018, 19:13
Should have gone to Specsavers!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: ARPoet on February 07, 2018, 06:16
Just letting everyone know that I've been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 07, 2018, 09:22
 ::)  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 10, 2018, 07:52
eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea sea
it plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea
eye strike a quay and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh
as soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two lung
and eye can putt the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong
eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased to no
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew

"borrowed" from another forum
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 14, 2018, 19:47
There's an old scrap merchant who's wife was long gone from this world and he lived alone with his beloved dog. Despite his having made a lot of money before he retired, they lived simply and frugally. The only one he lavished any money on was his dog, buying him a steak on Saturday nights. Sadly the dog passed away.

Well the old chap walks down to the Catholic church and goes inside where he finds the priest. “Father,” he says, near in tears, “My dog has passed away. Would you conduct a burial service for him?”

The priest, a stickler for the rules, replied, “No, we cannot have service for an animal in the church. It's against the rules. But there is a new Methodist church down the road. Maybe they will do something for the animal”.

The old man thought for a moment and then answered, “OK, Father, I understand. Do you think the Methodists will be able to accept £100,000 for the burial service? Lord knows, I've nothing else to spend my money on.”

The priest nearly fell over and then he exclaimed, “Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Catholic straight off?”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 15, 2018, 06:14
James Bond is at the job centre after being laid off, there are only two jobs available, one in a call centre and the other in a fabric colouring plant.

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 15, 2018, 20:08
Just letting everyone know that I've been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring....

Make sure that while your in hospital , they don't get your treatment mixed up , that is to say , they don't treat you like a mushroom.
I'm sure you will be fine and blooming by the Spring
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: AlaninCarlisle on February 20, 2018, 20:35
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the pub next door to that."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 21, 2018, 01:07
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.

One week later, the Punch Newspaper, in Ibadan, Nigerian, reported the following:

“After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard Lucky Ade, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 24, 2018, 06:43
a woman came up to me today and said she recognised me from Vegetarian Club.
I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 03, 2018, 07:46
Sadly the man who invented the fog machine used in rock concerts and other events has died ..... he will be mist.

"Just heard on the radio"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rowbow on March 03, 2018, 09:23
A 92-year-old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog. He picks up the frog and the frog says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.” The old man puts the frog in his pocket. The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.” The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 11, 2018, 17:51
my wife said to me the broom was giving her blisters on her hands.
i told her take the car silly.... :dry:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 11, 2018, 17:56
my wife said to me the broom was giving her blisters on her hands.
i told her take the car silly.... :dry:
At least you waited until International Women's Day was over for that one :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 12, 2018, 07:31
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?'

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were
wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for
years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.  Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, . . .

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my bits off.'

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 12, 2018, 22:06
Last night's tribute to Sir Bruce ended with apparently his favourite joke.

A man comes homes and tells his strait-laced wife that he has heard that the milkman has slept with every woman on the street, bar one.
To which his wife replies: "I bet it's that stuck-up cow at Number 54"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2018, 11:17
I don't mean to brag,but i just completed my 21 day diet in 4 hours 30 minutes.

Most household injuries are caused by saying "whatever" in the middle of an argument.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 14, 2018, 11:23
I once went out with this girl that owned a parrot,the crazy thing would never shut up.The Parrot was kind of cool though.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 14, 2018, 11:28
One of Doddy's jokes went - '" I went up to an octopus and asked him if he could lend us a squid....."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on March 14, 2018, 17:49
One of my Ken Dodd favourites.
On the Parkinson show:
KD: Do you know I can tell a joke in Glasgow and they'll laugh, but they won't in Birmingham?
MP: Why's that?
KD: Because they can't hear me!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 15, 2018, 10:02
My favourite Dodd.

What a beautiful day to poke a cucumber through the letterbox and shout " The Martians have landed !"

 :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 15, 2018, 19:32
Another Dodd one .....

I wanted to take my dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on March 16, 2018, 08:57
Help stop childhood obesity !








Eat the kids Easter eggs today ! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 19, 2018, 10:45
The guy who invented predictive text died yesterday, his funfair will be a weed next monkey. :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 19, 2018, 10:50
I was reminiscing with my brothers about the times our dad would roll us down the street in car tyres.
They were Good Years.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 21, 2018, 17:34
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "can i get a large Aperitif".
The Barman says "i doubt it"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on March 23, 2018, 15:01
the UK Government should Legalise cannabis and use the Tax money to repair the roads.
call it operation pothole
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 25, 2018, 12:05
While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my bike I guess."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 26, 2018, 12:10
One day at university, a fire broke out in a wastebasket in the dean’s office. A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician ran in to deal with the blaze.

The physicist immediately started to calculate how much energy would have to be removed from the fire in order to stop combustion.

The chemist worked out which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

Meanwhile, the mathematician was setting fire to all the other wastebaskets in the office.

“What on earth are you doing that for?” asked the physicist and the chemist.

“Well,” explained the mathematician, “to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on March 26, 2018, 14:31
One day at university, a fire broke out in a wastebasket in the dean’s office. A physicist, a chemist and a mathematician ran in to deal with the blaze.

The physicist immediately started to calculate how much energy would have to be removed from the fire in order to stop combustion.

The chemist worked out which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation.

Meanwhile, the mathematician was setting fire to all the other wastebaskets in the office.

“What on earth are you doing that for?” asked the physicist and the chemist.

“Well,” explained the mathematician, “to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size.”

They were joined by a Psychiatrist who pointed out that the fire could be put out, but only if it wanted to be put out.

A nearby Student Union rep demanded that all fire extinguishers should be removed from the building in order to provide the fire with a safe space in which it could flourish unthreatened.

A passing engineer picked up the basket and carried it outside and chucked it into the fountain.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 26, 2018, 18:27
Hamsters, that reminds me of a real problem, so it's not really a funny, but there you are, it happened and survival was important back then...

We had a power cut here once, so we boiled a kettle on a camping gas single ring, which had one of those small blue cylinders. I'd set it all up on the cooker as it was a safe place to work from.

When the lights came back on, after a few minutes, we heard this awful squealing, and still not knowing what was going on, I went into the kitchen and discovered the gas cylinder, on an electric ring, which I hadn't turned off during the power cut...

There was gas escaping everywhere, so I'm afraid I did what had to be done and thought of England, as the whole shebang could have blown the house up!

Still squealing with the escaping gas, I just had to pick the damned thing up and hope I could get it outside without hurting Mrs Growster, the whole house and eventually of course, me!

Did it though, and ran back in slamming the door, while it cooled down outside!

Still have the occasional nightmare about that particular incident...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 26, 2018, 19:47
I suspect you were very lucky there, Growster.

Reminded me of an incident. I was looking after my dad's supermarket whilst he went off for a day. Suddenly I hear all this crashing and it's the stockman moving fire extinguishers. "What are you doing?" I said "Getting some water" - he answered. The extinguishers were in front of the sink.
He seemed a bit flustered, so I asked him why. "The van's on fire, Mr H"
So I belt down the stairs to the loading bay with a fire extinguisher where smoke is coming out of the van. Pull the safety and hit the plunger whilst pointing the hose at the base of the flames (I skim read the instructions!)
Well the extinguisher didn't exactly pump out much. I could have done better myself after a pint of lager.  :ohmy:
The stockman arrives having filled his bucket and throws it on which puts out the fire.
I was just about to call him an idiot for not grabbing an extinguisher when he explained he knew they wouldn't be any good as you weren't supposed to use them on petrol fires... so he filled the bucket.
I know, I know.. I didn't say a word :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 05, 2018, 05:53
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in a little village on the North Yorkshire Moors.....
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 15, 2018, 15:44
For the benefit of Mrs Bouquet and the request for primary school jokes (http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=127938.0 (http://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=127938.0)) ....

My scarecrow won a prize last week, he was out standing in his field
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on May 15, 2018, 17:13
thanks rogerbodger. they will like that one.  In fact I am just go to I-pad it to the 8 year grandchildren, Ta, Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 15, 2018, 20:37
We've been for a day out with the grandson (it's his birthday) to Llandudno, N Wales. Saw a sign in a shop that might not have been intended as it came over.

Assistance for the disabled available. Welsh speakers in this store.

Quite why the disabled need particular help speaking Welsh, I'm not sure!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 19, 2018, 09:38
Emergency Instructions

The time has now come to move to your inner refuge. Ensure all devices capable of connecting to the outside are disconnected. You may take a basic MP3 player or even a CD player into your refuge but not a phone or other internet connecting device such as a tablet. A book will be useful too.
You may find ear defenders and a blindfold useful when the situation peaks at around 11:30 AM BST 19 May 2018
Take enough food and water to last you for 12 hours - after this time you may be able to leave your refuge for short periods.
Please be aware that it may take a week or even longer before things return to normal.

Remember - as with all Royal Weddings - Protect and Survive!


Just to be clear, I wish the couple well even if I don't want to hear about it endlessly :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on May 19, 2018, 10:00
I see they cancelled Saturday Kitchen to cover the royal wedding. Mercifully I'm not hungover this morning, as without my SK fix I'd never recover!

As John says, all the best to the newlyweds all the same.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jaydig on May 19, 2018, 16:22
My sentiments exactly.  They seem like a nice young couple, and I wish them all the best, but I don't want to hear a blow by blow account of every second of their wedding for the next fortnight.
I will be resorting to bbc iplayer tonight so that I can CHOOSE what I watch.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 20, 2018, 09:37
The wedding day...
Ladies and gentlemen, it was a very emotional day. Even the cake was in tiers.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 21, 2018, 22:29
The wedding day...
Ladies and gentlemen, it was a very emotional day. Even the cake was in tiers.

Crumbs! It must have been emotional ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 24, 2018, 05:06
This is absolutely true...

That lovely mild man-mountain, Willy-John McBride was captaining the Lions down under a few years ago.

As to be expected, there was a little ribaldry in the bar, which got worse and worse as the lemonade shandies vanished down the throats of our brave warriors!

The hotel manager desperately rushed up to McBrid'es bedroom, and found him on his bed, smoking his pipe and writing a few postcards.

"For God's sake, Willy, come and calm this lot down, they're wrecking the place", shrieked the manager. "If you can't control them, I'm calling the police and they'll chuck you all out"!

Willy thought for a few seconds, puffed his pipe a bit then enquired, "And exactly how many policemen will there be arriving may I ask"?

What a great guy!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 27, 2018, 14:16
Presumably he was cunningly organising a lock-in not just for his drinking pals (lemonade shandies? You're having a laugh!) but also for the local JP and constabulary to partake in what could only be described as "You can have the full place to yourselves including all you can eat and drink, the heated outdoor pool and the use of the TV remote control as long as you promise to leave me in peace to write my postcards!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 28, 2018, 07:46
Goosey - exactly how many rugby tours have you been on?

I only went on one - to The Hague in February 1971, and the following Saturday I went out with Mrs Growster for the first time, so that's what really happens...;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 30, 2018, 05:44
Clearing out the loft at the weekend I found an old Ouija board, I suggested to the family that we have a go with it.

No one else was too keen, comments like "that stuff is dark--"

"What's the worst that could happen?" I asked before dimming the lights as we gathered around the table

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys--"

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"Guys--"

"Keep going"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y



"Borrowed" from another board
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 30, 2018, 07:31
I was watching a concert by The Bermudan Philharmonic Orchestra the other night.

Halfway through the piece, the chap playing the triangle just disappeared...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on May 30, 2018, 15:42
… and when the piper started playing a different tune they all followed him as it was his call.
Growster, I have never, EVER been connected with any sort of Rugby sports or even been to Rugby; I just have a good imagination!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 01, 2018, 19:29
....and orchestras abound with trickery anyway.  For example I recently discovered that trombone players do not really swallow it.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 06, 2018, 05:30
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
A broken pencil.
A broken pencil who?
Never mind, it’s pointless.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on June 07, 2018, 12:28
As a Prince of Denmark might ask:  what kind of broken pencil?  2B, or not 2B, that is the question....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 07, 2018, 14:33
As he came from a hamlet in Yorickshire he probably had to write with the cut ends of goose quills dipped into a mixture of squid ink and dilute calcium carbonate. His artistry in creating these writing implements not only earned him the sobriquet of "His Nibs" but if he'd left out the squid ink he could have been the inventor of Tippex. Instead he chose to retire and employed Horatio to be his ghost writer. Unfortunately Horatio couldn't spell and was always asking him "Is graphite spelt with one H or is it HH"? Hamlet thought to himself "You just can't get the staff these days" and went off to smoke a cigar.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 08, 2018, 06:56
I was on a driving holiday in Ireland last year.

Looking at the road map, I was trying to work out how to get to the next village, got out of the car and leaned on a farm gate in the sunshine. The farmer wandered over, and I asked him about the quickest way to get to the village.

"Are you driving or walking"? he asked.

"I'm driving", I replied.

"Oh to be sure, that's the quickest way" he replied...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 08, 2018, 13:04
Weallie???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 09, 2018, 12:52
Two grown-ups were talking over a cup of coffee down the High Street.

First one "Do you remember when we were kids, we'd play a game where we knocked on a front door then ran away as fast as possible before anyone opened it"?

Second one "Of course I do! These days though, it's called Parcelforce"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on June 10, 2018, 12:59
I to was asking for directions of how to get to Leatherhead in Surrey.  I pulled over to ask a man, Leatherhead, I asked, Fishface, he replied.  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 10, 2018, 19:38
"borrowed" from another forum ......

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.

The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of  Yorkshire. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a  plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest chip shop or takeaway!.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart *ss young person.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 10, 2018, 20:21
I'm pleased that you posted this one Roger.

It's a bit of a chestnut, but one well worthy of repeating every now and then to remind us how we coped without the claptrap of gadgets.

Mind you, we wouldn't be talking today, had the internet not been introduced...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 11, 2018, 18:22
You don't need "the green thing" to recycle an old chestnut (although use of the search button may have prevented it ::))
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 11, 2018, 20:23
A bit off topic but on the green thing - a bit ago there was an article on local BBC news about Conwy council making bin collections monthly. Recycled stuff is picked up weekly. These people were moaning like it was a death sentence as they took bags of rubbish to the recycling centre. Most of the bag contents and their rubbish bin was full of things that should have been in the recycling bins.
I have to wonder how they'd have got on in WW2 when it was a serious offence to throw away newspaper, card, bread and anything else that could be recycled. Even bones were used to make things like explosives.
However, Val says that shouting at the TV screen is a) pointless and b) could get me a long holiday in a special hospital :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on June 11, 2018, 22:09
"borrowed" from another forum ......


We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off...Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

How very true , went into a high street store the other day and found the five items I required , asked the assistant to 'tot' them up for me , to make sure I had enough cash ( Good heavens! I hear you say , paying for goods with this commodity called cash ) Oh! she says  ' I'm no good at maffs ' .

Shall have to figure out how to send the whole post to  my eldest's  phone!!  Have read it before but still raises a chuckle!! Thanks for posting
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 12, 2018, 07:06
""I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free"!

h/t Darren Walsh"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on June 12, 2018, 17:04
 :D :D :D :D Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 12, 2018, 18:37
My chum, Quentin ffoxley-Cabbage was discussing the attributes of his new car to anyone who bothered to listen.

'Q' is a great chap, well liked, and with a ready smile and wink to all and sundry, as well as a stash of large denomination notes in a cavernous wallet, which he opens more than often to buy rounds of drinks for those who care to join him.

All in all, like Damon Runyon's immortal character, Feet Samuels, 'Q' is a very honourable guy.

The latest story went like this...

'Q' was driving to a new site, which is way out in the sticks, and is reached via a series of country lanes. He was driving his new Ferrari, and had not a care in the world, until there was a sort of splutter from the bonnet of the car, and it sighed, stopped and coasted to a halt in a layby.

'Q' said 'blast' under his breath, then on top of it as well for good measure. He also said several other words, but as Toniatelline Nougat was on the bar pumps, and doesn't like rude words, (unless they're being whispered in her shell-like), he didn't tell us what they were.

He got out of his car and gingerly lifted the bonnet. All he could see was a myriad of pipes, wires, gleaming steel bits, something red, and not much else. As he was staring blankly at the engine, wondering what to do next, he thought he heard a voice say 'red electric capping loose'!

Looking both ways he saw nobody, and heard nothing. The voice repeated the words 'red electric capping loose'. Again, 'Q' looked all round and saw nothing moving, except for a couple of old horses munching their way across the field nearby. One was watching him closely.

So 'Q', in desperation, nudged the red item in the engine, and sure enough, it moved slightly! He quickly realised that it needed a twist of some sorts, and sure enough, it tightened up immediately, which is something Ferrari are always proud of, especially where certain parts of the body are concerned, but we won't go there for the time being...

'Q' took one last glance around, and seeing nothing except the old nags in the field, he got in, started his car, and drove off.

In the next village, he realised he needed a short tincture to alleviate the pangs of pain at the thought of having a broken car which had been mended by unusual circumstances, and which was now running as it should, so he stopped off at 'The Haywain', to take on supplies.

The bar was occupied by a few local worthies as is usual, and the chat was all about nothing in particular, so 'Q', in his usual generous way, offered them a drink while he started to tell them why he was there. Of course, they all listened, especially when they started on the various pints 'Q' had bought them, and it seemed a good time to listen to a story from someone with a big red car and a big wallet as well.

'Q' explained how his car had ground to a halt, and with a guilty smile on his face, kept them aghast about the 'voice' which told him to check the red capping piece.

The bar went quiet, as the assembled worthies digested this information, and one old boy in the corner piped up and said, "Were there two horses in the field where you stopped"?

'Q', of course, admitted that there were indeed two old chaps wandering round eating grass and one had been looking at him.

The old boy then said, "Was there a grey horse and a brown one in the field"?

'Q' agreed there were two horses, and one was brown; the other grey.

The old boy then said, "Which one was looking at you then"?

'Q' thought for a moment, and recalled that it was indeed the grey one which was peering at him, so he told the old boy.

The old chap then let out a huge snort and a bellow of laughter, and said, "I thought as much; it's just as well the brown one didn't see you, because he knows ****** all about cars..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 26, 2018, 18:38
When I was young a famous orchestra played in the local town halls, sadly my parents wouldn't let me go - "too much sax and violins" for someone my age
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 27, 2018, 12:37
After several reports of wheat crops apparently being sprayed with herbicides, police say they are looking for a cereal killer.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 28, 2018, 14:23
Presumably by now he'll be serving porridge!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 28, 2018, 18:24
...well he won't be getting his oats for a few years...

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 28, 2018, 20:56
Barley able to keep up with all this!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 28, 2018, 22:00
Barley able to keep up with all this!

Says he with a Rye smile, cos it was a bit corny, wasn't it  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 29, 2018, 07:18
So corny, I'm amaized Mum...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on June 29, 2018, 07:31
These recent comments go against the grain!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on June 29, 2018, 08:41
At least they've been Spelt correctly  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 29, 2018, 08:55
It's all part of the daily grind, folks...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 29, 2018, 19:27
All of these puns are giving me a migraine
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 30, 2018, 07:45
I thought I saw a corncrake yesterday, but it turned out to be a wheatear!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 02, 2018, 12:45
She said with a rye smile "I bet with all this drought it was barley alive."  :lol: 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 03, 2018, 07:14
She said with a rye smile "I bet with all this drought it was barley alive."  :lol:

...I love it when your voice goes all husky, Goosey...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 03, 2018, 12:57
I'll take that comment with a grain of salt! Hay, never mind, if no-one bales him out I'll have to give him a good threshing unless there are chiff-chaffs about, in which case I'll leave him to stubble about in the maize.  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 03, 2018, 14:54
Lady goes into restaurant and has a tipple or several.
Lady. Can I book a table for two?
Man. We're fully booked at the moment but we have an available table at about 3pm.
Lady. No, I meant a table for two people.
Man. I see. How many people will be coming?
Lady. Just the two of us.
Man. Would you like separate tables?
Lady. No, I just want a table that will accommodate two people.
Man. For what purpose?
Lady. Er, to have a meal.
Man. So you want chairs as well?
Lady. Yes please, if that's not too inconvenient.
Man. Have you seen our menu?
Lady. No. Have you lost it?
Man. Highly amusing. Would you prefer table-d'hote or al-a-carte?
Lady. Whichever table is nearest the window.
Man. Why? You're not planning to escape without paying the bill are you?
Lady. In these heels?
Man.  May I have your name please?
Lady. Most certainly not! If you don't like yours then change it by deed poll.
Man. May I buy you another drink?
Lady. That would be nice, thanks. I'd like a large gin with that tonic containing angostura bitters.
Man. You have expensive tastes.
Lady. On my salary?
Man. There we are. Would you like ice and a slice? If so, I'll just have to nip in the back room. Won't be a moment.
Lady. Would not even think about drinking it without them. See you later.

Lady then takes shoes off whilst finishing the gin and quietly makes a quick exit. Taxi? Ah - great. Can I book you for two people?

The essence of this tale is that men are always left whilst women are always right!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on July 09, 2018, 16:30
Hieroglyph, there a glyph, everywhere a glyph glyph.
Tutankhamen had a farm...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on July 11, 2018, 14:51
… and on that farm were naughty Rameses.
With a Tut-Tut here and a Ra-Ra there...




 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 19, 2018, 19:23
Police attending an incident returned to their patrol car to find it on bricks with the wheels stolen, they are working tyrelessly to find the culprits
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 21, 2018, 20:20
A man goes to the cinema, and has a seat about halfway in the stalls.
He suddenly becomes aware of somebody sitting beside him and feint groaning.
 Oh, say the man, where have you come from ?
The person next to him groans again and says "the balcony"  .    Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 06, 2018, 14:42
A new one from me, (I think) specially for mrs bouquet.

A man is walking down the street and sees his friend coming towards him.
As he gets closer he notices that he's holding a penguin under his arm.
"What on earth have you got there?"
"It's a penguin, I found it wandering along the road, I picked it up but now I don't know what to do with it"
"Well if I were you I'd take it to the zoo!"
"That's a brilliant idea, thanks, I'll do that" .....and with a cheery wave off he goes.

A few days passes and once again, the chap's walking along the road and he sees his friend........he's still got the penguin tucked under his arm...
"I thought you were going to take that thing to the zoo!" he exclaimed......

" I did"  came the reply......

" We had a great time, were off to the cinema this afternoon!"

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on August 06, 2018, 15:19
Thank you, that'll do nicely  :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on August 06, 2018, 15:53
a husband and wife were watching television. The husband was repeatedly flicking between a programme on fishing and the porn channel.

The wife became increasingly agitated by this and eventually had to say something.

"For goodness sake, leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on August 06, 2018, 17:00
Ancient Yorkshire proverb:

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man how to fish and you give his wife a lot more enjoyable afternoons!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 10, 2018, 14:38
A local family of 4 are splitting up after a row over what sort of sauce should accompany their dessert.

The divorce is forecast to be messy after reports that a custardy battle is expected.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 12, 2018, 19:52
I was looking forward to watching the World Origami Championships today on TV

Imagine my disappointment when I found that it was on paper view only
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 13, 2018, 11:14
I guess that sessions has now folded up! I went to a bonsai class but they cut it short.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on August 13, 2018, 12:09
Oh oh, here goes Gg again.   :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 14, 2018, 19:00
In the last month the Origami Bank has folded and the Bonsai Bank has cut back some of its branches. In today's news we are hearing that the Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, apparently it's going for a song.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on August 28, 2018, 05:42
With the 2018/2019 rugby season approaching I was wondering about London Wasps - do they have a "B" team?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 28, 2018, 06:15
With the 2018/2019 rugby season approaching I was wondering about London Wasps - do they have a "B" team?

Well, they have two wings and a fly half, so I suppose they do...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 28, 2018, 14:08
How does Frankenstein sit on a chair?



Bolt upright
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Kleftiwallah on August 29, 2018, 10:06

The Eastern Eauropian brutal warlord was an asthmatic.

His name was Vrad the inhaler.  Cheers,  Tony.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 03, 2018, 10:54
True conversation...

Grandson, "Can I have a healthy snack?"
Me, "Yes of course, what would you like?"
Grandson, "Chocolate"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on September 06, 2018, 18:10
Any parents with Xboxes in their homes will probably identify with this parents ' strategy'  .

The following note was pinned on the teenagers bedroom door where they would guarantee to see it.

"  UNLOAD + RELOAD THE DISHWASHER
  AND TAKE A PIC OF IT
  THEN WALK THE DOG AND TAKE A
  PIC OF IT.
   THEN SEND ME BOTH PICTURES AND I'LL
   TELL YOU WHERE THE POWER CORD
   FOR YOUR XBOX IS  "

     THANKS!
     LOVE MUM
 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on September 08, 2018, 07:19
Any parents with Xboxes in their homes will probably identify with this parents ' strategy'  .

The following note was pinned on the teenagers bedroom door where they would guarantee to see it.

"  UNLOAD + RELOAD THE DISHWASHER
  AND TAKE A PIC OF IT
  THEN WALK THE DOG AND TAKE A
  PIC OF IT.
   THEN SEND ME BOTH PICTURES AND I'LL
   TELL YOU WHERE THE POWER CORD
   FOR YOUR XBOX IS  "

     THANKS!
     LOVE MUM
 

I like it 😂
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 04, 2018, 20:51
I went to the theatre the other night to watch a piece called 'The Dictionary'.

It was a play on words.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 04, 2018, 21:31
I've just got a job in a chess piece manufacturers!

They're very busy and I'm on knights at the moment...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 05, 2018, 05:39
Just think of the pay cheque, mate
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: hamstergbert on October 05, 2018, 17:44
They offered me a job maintaining the equipment not just there but also at the other factories, where they make the minor pieces.  I got some funny looks at home when I said I was anticipating spending a lot of time on the pawn sites...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 06, 2018, 06:53
Did you go to the factory in Newcastle, or Bishops Stortford, Hamsters?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on October 07, 2018, 10:59
With all the driving around, at least you won't get board.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on October 10, 2018, 09:05
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

 Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

 When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

 Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

 Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on October 21, 2018, 22:00
Is a female barrister without her briefs , a solicitor?

Recently heard the phrase " solution finder "

So I asked the speaker of this phrase what container they would be using to store the solution , once they had found it. ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on October 26, 2018, 23:04
A lady was walking through her local  park where she passes a man laying on a bench covered in old newspapers.  Being of a caring disposition , she asks him if he's ok  ,   " Back issues " he replies.



Why did the canteen clock always run slow?













It always went back four seconds.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on October 27, 2018, 16:52
There was a great programme on last night on tomatoes,anyone who didn't see it, it is available on Ketchup
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 28, 2018, 07:08
There was a great programme on last night on tomatoes,anyone who didn't see it, it is available on Ketchup

Shirley you mean SunGold...?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on October 29, 2018, 11:35
"Why are you late for work."
"I had my hair cut."
"Why did you have your hair cut in office time?"
"It grows in office time."
"It doesn't all grow in office time."
"I didn't have it all cut off."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on October 29, 2018, 18:04
Watch out for these foggy mornings!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on November 01, 2018, 10:47
A lady was going on Holiday and went to her hairdresser before going.
The hairdresser asked her where she was going, and she replied 'Rome'
The Hairdresser said, 'oh you'll hate it.  Filthy place, horrid food, expensive coffee, too many tourists, what hotel are you staying at' ?  The lady replied ' The Rialto'.   The hairdresser said, 'its a complete dump, dirty, mouldy, no service whatsoever'.   The lady said, 'but we are going to see the Pope'  The hairdresser said,'ha no chance, and even if he came onto the balcony, you wouldn't see him, he'd look  like an ant'

When the lady returned from Rome, she duly went to the hairdresser, who said 'well' ?
The lady said, 'it was beautiful, the sun was out, there was no litter and everywhere was spotless.  We had charming café waiters and the drinks were reasonable.  The hotel had  been totally refurbished and was  it sumptuous.
We had a private audience with the Pope as well.
Oh, said the hairdresser, 'what did he say to you'
The lady replied, 'he said, ' who ever does your hair ! it looks f-----g awful'
 :lol: :lol: :lol: Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on November 01, 2018, 19:40
Love the expression!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on November 03, 2018, 10:00
Two wealthy, glamorous and catty ladies were out taking 'afternoon tea'.
One said to the other, 'how was your trip to Rome, and what was the visit with the Pope like ?'

The second lady replied, 'it was wonderful, very colourful, lots of pomp and ceremony, and lots of distinguished and charming people, but His Wife, - she's a bitch !'

Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on November 07, 2018, 20:52
Why we love children:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father..
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on November 07, 2018, 20:54
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back..' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back..'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland


A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on November 08, 2018, 08:38
Apparently there is a new sex position called Hermes.

In all day and nobody comes !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on November 08, 2018, 15:18
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on November 13, 2018, 16:35
Saw this cartoon in the paper yesterday and I thought I would share in case you missed it:-

Mr Dumpty is sueing the Royal Family for compensation, because all the Kings Horses and All the Kings Men were grossly inefficient.

Well it made me laugh.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 04, 2018, 19:12
I have a seamstress friend whose job is hanging by a thread yet she is able to keep her sense of humour. She is sew funny she always has me in stitches.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 05, 2018, 05:09
I have a seamstress friend whose job is hanging by a thread yet she is able to keep her sense of humour. She is sew funny she always has me in stitches.

Ahem...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 05, 2018, 20:44
As you may know, we share our house with too many cats. It's a long story so I'll get straight to the tale.

How Not to Make a Ham Sandwich

Take two slices of bread, place on the board and butter them.
Turn to and open the fridge, remove packet of ham and deter cat from attempting to jump into the fridge. Cat then commences miaowing and leg rubbing, so pinch off a little and give it to her.
Turn to the breadboard to discover another cat happily licking the butter off the bread.
Shout at cat, place ham down by the fridge and retrieve the bread and butter which now goes into the compost bin.
Turn back to fridge and the ham has vanished! See the packet being dragged through the cat flap.
Open the cupboard, take out packet of crisps and retreat....

Some days it's best not to get out of bed....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on December 05, 2018, 22:29
Love it John, I could see it happening as I was reading it   :lol: :lol: :lol: from me and  :mad: :mad: :mad: from you.   Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JudithD on December 06, 2018, 18:05
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3LmacgHDKQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3LmacgHDKQ)

I just saw this, it made laugh out loud...  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on December 06, 2018, 18:27
As you may know, we share our house with too many cats. It's a long story so I'll get straight to the tale.

How Not to Make a Ham Sandwich

Take two slices of bread, place on the board and butter them.
Turn to and open the fridge, remove packet of ham and deter cat from attempting to jump into the fridge. Cat then commences miaowing and leg rubbing, so pinch off a little and give it to her.
Turn to the breadboard to discover another cat happily licking the butter off the bread.
Shout at cat, place ham down by the fridge and retrieve the bread and butter which now goes into the compost bin.
Turn back to fridge and the ham has vanished! See the packet being dragged through the cat flap.
Open the cupboard, take out packet of crisps and retreat....

Some days it's best not to get out of bed....

This is a local legend amongst cat owners,
Hubby, "Hey luv the cat is eating the butter"
Wife , "Well put it in the fridge"
Hubby, "Ok". :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on December 06, 2018, 18:31
The sequel (same family) is how to stop the cat urinating under the sofa !

Cut the legs off !
(the sofa) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 18, 2018, 06:14
A duck was in a fight with Dracula .... he's down for the count now
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 18, 2018, 10:17
A duck was in a fight with Dracula .... he's down for the count now
That's a clever one! :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on December 18, 2018, 16:38
Was the fight top of the bill?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 18, 2018, 17:53
Was the fight top of the bill?

It could have gone eider way...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on December 18, 2018, 20:32
Was the fight top of the bill?

It could have gone eider way...

Surely a bit gruesome for the time of year (duvet know it's Christmas?)  :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 19, 2018, 06:07
Muscovy the tender stuff, it's cold out there...

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 20, 2018, 06:16
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a £250 dress she had bought.

"How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Hey, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on December 30, 2018, 07:59
Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her mother and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her New friend.

However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a gasp! ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three
shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't ... Didn't Mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Asda."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... But your Husband's' ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 09, 2019, 19:16
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me break wind."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 11, 2019, 19:13
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 12, 2019, 07:08
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who areyou, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 14, 2019, 06:06
I started making a belt out of old watch straps, but gave up in the end as it was a waste of time
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 14, 2019, 07:06
Three priests of varied denominations are discussing how they deal with the collection plate after the service.

The C of E vicar says " I occasionally slide a few coins over the edge onto the vestry table, and the cleaner then pops them into my study a few hours later"!

The Methodist says "I just take the small silver coins and leave the notes as they're easier to count afterwards"!

The Catholic priest says "Well, I just go into the vestry after mass, take the plate, then throw the whole lot up in the air!

The other two are aghast and ask why.

"Oh that's easy", says the priest "What stays up, He keeps..."!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 21, 2019, 06:06
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a holiday. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on January 21, 2019, 15:47
love your jokes,rogerbodger.   :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 21, 2019, 19:00
love your jokes,rogerbodger.   :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Thank you ..... I find a little humour helps to lift my mood, if sharing does the same for someone else then that's a bonus.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 21, 2019, 19:02
A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and punctured my tyres!" protested the driver.
"OK," replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion," answered the policeman.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 24, 2019, 12:54
SEVERE WEATHER WARNING!!

The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets/sleeping bag, extra clothing (including scarf, hat and gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first-aid kit and jump leads.


I felt like a right idiot on the bus!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on January 25, 2019, 12:09
Picked up a hitchhiker the other day, seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles he asked if I wasn't concerned that he might be a serial killer.

I said the probability of there being two serial killers in the same car was very unlikely.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 27, 2019, 18:28
The other day, my wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Mrs Bodger finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.'
'Fine.' I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.'
I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on January 29, 2019, 19:08
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on January 30, 2019, 07:59
Borrowed from Dad Jokes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on February 02, 2019, 15:58
Not only are computers taking over our lives, they're taking over our beliefs as well!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on February 02, 2019, 16:41
I thought Ikea was the new church, its always packed out on Sundays.   Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 02, 2019, 18:06
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on February 03, 2019, 10:27
I somehow feel that the last line should be...

"Well if it is bothering you that much, unplug his extension cord at night."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on February 06, 2019, 13:40
Skinny people are more at risky to easily kidnap.   So stay safe,  eat more cake. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on February 15, 2019, 18:22
Did you hear about the dog who ran two miles to bring back his master's stick? Personally, I think it's a bit far-fetched.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 15, 2019, 20:40
Did you hear the other one about a dog who ran two miles to retrieve a stick only to remember far too late that his master was an aborigine?

(Boy, was that one peed off pooch?!)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 08, 2019, 14:52
Has anybody got some jokes please  :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 08, 2019, 16:29
Has anybody got some jokes please  :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
The Government
 :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 08, 2019, 19:08
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandad, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old" he replied
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 08, 2019, 19:38
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year." said the shrink "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty pounds per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it.” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty quid a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480.00. A bartender cured me for £10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car.”

“Is that so?” he said with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. There's definitely nobody under there now.”

The moral of this story .... It's always better to get a second opinion.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 09, 2019, 11:21
thank you  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 09, 2019, 11:49

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 09, 2019, 18:35
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his man bits).
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 09, 2019, 18:36
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 11, 2019, 06:02
An old one I was reminded of yesterday .....

In a certain suburban neighbourhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighbourhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 15, 2019, 12:33
A risqué joke from the W.I. Entertainer.

A big bald eagle, flapping around the tree tops, feeling a bit sexy, when he spots and little tit, so he flies down and … The tit says, I have had a little bit, and I am happy.  However the bald eagle wasn't so happy, and he looks around and spots a dove.  He flies down and chats her up and …. The little dove says, I have had a little love, and I am happy.   The bald eagle thinks, yes but not enough.  So he looks around and spies a duck.   Down he swoops, and ….  The duck says,  I am a little drake and there's been a big mistake ... :ohmy: Mrs Bouquet.   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 15, 2019, 12:49
Another joke from W.I.   (I am only the messenger  :D)

A man went into a fish and chip shop, and asked for some Cod.  The fryer replied, sorry we haven't got cod.
The man replied, you must have you are a fish shop.   The fryer said, Take away the C at the front of chips, what have you got,   Answering the man said, hips, exactly said the fryer,  Now take away the H in front of haddock, what have you got, the man answered addock,  exactly said the fryer,  Now take away the F in front of cod, what have you got.  The man replied, But there is no F in cod,   Exactly, said the fryer.    :D  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wapello on March 15, 2019, 12:59
Well Mrs B  they are a bit risque for the WI  to much sherry maybe,, have they given up on the cake making then,,,,, ::)  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 15, 2019, 14:34
WI's are no longer how people imagine them  :)  It wasn't sherry, it was a celebration, and we had proscecco, except me. (I'm a good girl  :lol:)  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on March 15, 2019, 18:24
"After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, 'Do you have a name yet?'
"I replied, 'Yes. Steve.'
"She said, 'Awww! That's a lovely name!'
"'Thanks,' I said, 'But what do you think we should call the baby?'"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on March 24, 2019, 06:39
I went to the doctor yesterday and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“Next Thursday.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on March 24, 2019, 08:17
Man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor, I'm doing my first ever parachute jump tomorrow and I'm terrified that something's going to go horribly wrong.'

Doctor replies 'I think you may be jumping to a hasty conclusion.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on March 24, 2019, 13:48
All these people banging on about the People’s March in London yesterday
Pure arrogance
It’s been March in Wales for ages!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 01, 2019, 18:39
The time and motion expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, cooker, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes", replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 01, 2019, 18:41
"Son, I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class."

"Dad, they teach the same stuff at both ends."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 04, 2019, 19:30
The tube was very crowded when the young lady got on and a gentleman attempted to rise. She pushed him back gently and he tried to rise once more.
"No, no, thank you!" she murmured, pushing him back again.
"Please let me get up, lady," he protested. "I'm already 2 stops past my station!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 05, 2019, 17:56
As I get older I find I've become more absent minded.

Last night when I got home I knew there was something I wanted to do, but couldn't remember what it was. Finally, after sitting there until late in the evening trying to think, I remembered that I wanted to go to bed early as I had an early start today.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 15, 2019, 19:01
My neighbour's having a tough time at home just lately.

I couldn't help but hear him yelling at his wife one day last week, I asked him the next morning what it was about to be told that she'd spent a large sum of money. The following evening the yelling repeated, but was even louder. The next morning he explained that the reason for the increased volume was that she'd told him what the money was spent on.

I saw him this evening, he told me his wife had been giving him the silent treatment since the yelling incidents. He had to be up early this morning, and as they were not speaking and not wanting to break the silence he wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m." This morning he woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd miss his business meeting. Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on April 18, 2019, 05:42
I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived.
The pages are all BLANK!!!
I have no words to express my outrage.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on April 18, 2019, 11:01
Two men talking on their allotments.   One asked the other, how long have you been married ?   His pal replied,  40 year.    First man,  You must love her very much.   Pal replied,   for the first year, I loved her so much I could have eaten her.   Now I wish I had.        Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on April 21, 2019, 17:09
This explains a lot!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 23, 2019, 17:32
Some years ago, during a blazing hot summer, there was a spate of forest fires in various parts of Ireland. They all came at the time when the oil wells in Kuwait were being blown up, and ‘Red Adair’ became a legend through his methods of putting them all out.

Just outside Dublin, one of the prettiest areas of woodland you could shake a stick at, became subject to an ill-advised fag end, and a small fire started in the tinder dry brushwood.

The fire soon began to expand, and the Mayor, a kindly, honest man named O’Donaghue, became somewhat agitated, as he lived close by, at the bottom of a long hill, near which, his estate boundary was situated. He had extensive woodlands there, and the fire was not that far away.

As the danger increased Mr O’Donaghue decided to take the matter in his own hands, and made a public request for any ideas to extinguish the fire. The Dublin authorities were under no illusions as to what might happen to them, if his property was affected, so they called a meeting.

The eventual outcome was that someone would be sent to find out if Red Adair could help, but they were quickly rebuffed, partly because the Adair name was so well occupied in the oilfields, he really couldn’t take the chance and pop over to Ireland for the week, and help, and also he’d want a million Euros for the privilege.

Now, while Mr O’Donaghue wasn’t a pauper, he did have some conditions, mainly placed by various legal requirements involving ex-wives etc., this would have been out of his league anyway.

One evening while he was partaking of a bottle of Bushmills and a peat sandwich, there was a knock on the door, and a bedraggled man, with a couple of mates, stood there, with hands on their caps, wringing them to death.

He reminded himself that he was still Mayor, despite the faint smell of smoke coming from his private forest, and beckoned the chaps inside.

‘To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, gentlemen’? He enquired.

‘Well, Sor, we are fighters of the fire, and understand that you have a bit of a problem over yonder’, replied the vociferous one (the others remained silent).

‘This is true’, said the Mayor, ‘and our local fire service has too much on its hands to help much, despite the fact that I am Mayor’.

‘Let me introduce myself, Mr Lord Mayor your Worship Lordship. I am known as Green Adair, and I can take the job of putting out your fire for the sum of twenty thousand Euros. I have my own secret methods, but I assure you of success’.

Mayor O’Donaghue sat the men down, opened another bottle of Bushmills, and they discussed the terms, after which hands were shaken, and a deal struck for work to start within the hour, despite there being absolutely no idea on how the job would proceed.

With the flames approaching the farmstead, Mr O’Donaghue wondered after forty-five minutes, whether he had been sold a pup, as he’d paid a deposit of a thousand Euros to Green Adair, and for the remainder of the fee, he wanted success of course.
So the Mayor went outside to watch the rapidly approaching smoke, and to his surprise, he saw, at the top of the hill, an elderly Range Rover appear over the brow, and descend towards his woodland at an alarming rate of knots.

The old car squeaked and banged all over the place, until it disappeared into the burning wood with several shouts of anger, and some even worse exclamations!

Out of the Range Rover, a dozen stout Irish gentlemen erupted and rushed around, with absolutely no water pumping apparatus or protection, and stamped their big boots everywhere at such a frenzy, shouting obscenities and worse, yelling at their mates, bellowing at Green Adair, but after about half an hour, there was absolutely no sign of the fire, which had been completely obliterated!

Mr O’Donaghue stared at the last smouldering embers, and watched as the men all emerged from the embers, covered in soot, and grime!

They all gathered on the porch of Mr Donaghue’s house, and he handed round drinks for everyone, including an envelope with the fee requested by Mr Adair.

‘So now, Mr Adair, I can safely say that you are a splendid sort of firefighter, never afraid of hard work, and your money is safely with you now! Just out of interest, may I ask what you intend to spend it all on please’?

‘Well Sor, this is mighty fine of you to settle our agreement so quickly, and I tink the first thing I’ll do is get the brakes fixed on that blasted Range Rover’!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on May 05, 2019, 20:58
I saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird...
Then I realised he must be one of those “plane clothes cops”...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 09, 2019, 18:13
When SIr Walter Raleigh returned from his voyage to the new world he introduced two new products to the court of Queen Elizabeth. The potato and tobacco. Neither became popular though for many years. Eventually it was realised this was due to mix up on the instructions..
So they reversed things and began smoking the tobacco and eating the potatoes...
Not a lot of people know that!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 03, 2019, 09:37
Difficult Question

Every parent - and grandparent - knows that young children can ask difficult questions. High on the list is "Where do babies come from?"
It's very important to give a full and honest answer even if you find it embarrassing. Actually you'll find they usually lose interest in the answer by the time you've covered the importance of RNA in unravelling the DNA strands and explained mitochondrial DNA.
:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on June 03, 2019, 20:14
So true!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 04, 2019, 19:46
"I bet you don't know what day this is", said my wife to me as I made my way out the front door this morning. I have to admit to being a little perplexed, but fortunately I'm a quick thinker.

"Of course I do darling. How could I forget!?" With that, I turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when Mrs RogerBodger opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. My wife couldn't wait for me to come home.

I arrived home from work feeling a bit smug, satisfied that I had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

The missus was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on June 05, 2019, 10:56
Well, Rodger - if you *really* are such a quick thinker you would have barely blinked and replied "Well dear, that is because I have never met such a wonderful woman in my life!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 05, 2019, 18:39
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 15, 2019, 06:37
My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him...
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 15, 2019, 07:30
We've got three children, 12,14 and 15.

Funny names really...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 18, 2019, 17:56
I just can't seem to finish this woodworking project, but it's not for lacquer trying.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 18, 2019, 20:55
Understand your frustration rogerbodger - had an appointment today to meet a joiner-cum-magician who failed to turn up (his wife told me he just varnished.)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 19, 2019, 06:36
Jay, I think he may have taken a shine to a certain lass for a joint effort...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on June 19, 2019, 12:13
Is the lass Polish by any chance?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on June 19, 2019, 12:44
Dual nationality actually GG (French Polish.)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 19, 2019, 20:06
Could have been a matt Finnish, Jay!

We're not out of the EU yet...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on June 21, 2019, 09:13
If a bee lands on your hand, what have you got in your eye?

Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on June 21, 2019, 10:52
Lost cat?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 21, 2019, 21:12
Lost cat?
I've been out in a storm checking sheds and calling for a missing moggy... who was sitting having a wash on my bed when I returned. :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on June 23, 2019, 17:50
I was thinking of having another tattoo this year. But I'm not too keen on the bagpipes, and I don't think our garden is big enough...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on June 23, 2019, 18:00
It'll be a few more weeks before it's safe for a few days only.
Then back in the box with me!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 24, 2019, 17:55
A man rushed into the doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on June 25, 2019, 10:28
What sort of dog do you want in the kitchen when you are making Strawberry Jam?

A Setter.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on June 25, 2019, 13:56
Oh boy, do I need some laughs at the moment  :ohmy:  Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on June 25, 2019, 19:06
As the lumberjack started to swing at the tree it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on July 02, 2019, 18:53
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 03, 2019, 05:54
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
 
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda 's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work, occasionally licking his paws, and rolling over.

The parrot, however, drove him absolutely nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied: -

"Get him Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 03, 2019, 19:05
Like it, that's a good one for W.I next week.   :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 04, 2019, 05:38
The New Commanding Officer.

In the great days of the British Empire a new commanding officer was sent to a remote African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) decreed by protocol, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this entire post. His talent and energy is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one-eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

At which point the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that, Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the local witch doctor to take a running jump!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on July 04, 2019, 10:27
It sounds to me like the local Witch Doctors are not the type to boil unlucky Missionaries in a pot. They convert them to THEIR religion, teach them the secret of how to shrink heads and send them BACK TO THE BRITISH!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 07, 2019, 14:32
A man had to go into hospital for an organ transplant.  A few weeks later he met a mate and was telling him about it and how much it cost   The mate said he could do with one as well.
Another few weeks passed and they met up again.  The second man said that he had his done now but it was a lot cheaper than his pal.
The first man said, well lets have a look then.    He replied,  Oh, I can see why it was cheaper, you've got my old one.      Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 18, 2019, 07:25
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on July 18, 2019, 10:17
An old favourite there.

To be fair they didn't just use an ordinary pencil. Graphite is conductive and fragments floating around the capsules could have caused shorts so they used a hard wax pencil instead.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 18, 2019, 10:53
Graphite is conductive and fragments floating around the capsules could have caused shorts so they used a hard wax pencil instead.
Is that why they gave us wax crayons when I was in the special hospital?  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 18, 2019, 23:16
Nice one Daniel!

Bit worried about wearing shorts up there though..;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 26, 2019, 07:10
I heard a bloke moaning to his mate in the pub recently.

"My wife keeps going on and on at me because I just love football"!

"We all do"! says his mate.

"Yeah, well, but for goodness sake, we've been married for nearly nineteen seasons"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 19, 2019, 09:37
For those who haven't seen them, not one joke, but 10, the first winning this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival funniest joke award (and it's a vegetable joke to boot!  ;))

1) I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets. - Olaf Falafel

2) "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott

3) "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

4) "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

5) "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

6) "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

7) "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

8) "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

9) "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

10) "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham

All as reported on https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-49389208

(My favourites: 2, 5 and 8.  :lol:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on August 19, 2019, 20:06
A well bred dog?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Pescador on August 20, 2019, 08:41
Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day. "Hey Bob!" one woman said in passing. "Lovely day, isn't it Bob?" said the next man that passed. After the third and fourth person to pass had all greeted Bob, Fred felt compelled to say something. "You sure seem to know a lot of people Bob" said Fred. "Everyone knows me." said Bob. Fred laughs. "Everyone? Hah, not everyone can know you!" Fred says with a chuckle. "Really, I’ll show you" Bob says confidently. Fred and Bob travelled to the mayor's house. Upon arrival the doors open wide and the mayor steps out. "Bob!" the mayor exclaims enthusiastically. "I don't believe it!" says Fred "The mayor must know lots of people though." "Okay... C’mon" says Bob. Bob takes Fred to the White House. The security guards and secret service agents simply nod and step to the side for Bob. Fred is in disbelief. Bob and Fred walk straight into the oval office. Fred's jaw gapes as he sets eyes upon the president! "Bob! What's new?" says the president. "Okay, this is impressive, but not EVERYBODY can know you Bob," says Fred. "Okay... Come with me" says Bob. Bob and Fred Fly to Italy and head directly for the Vatican. Standing outside of the Vatican a crowd begins to form. "Wait here," Bob says. Moments later, Bob emerges on the balcony of the Vatican with none other than the Pope! The crowd begins cheering loudly! Looking off the balcony, Bob could see that Fred had fainted. Bob quickly rushed to him. Bob arrived at Fred's side just as he was regaining consciousness. "I guess you were pretty shocked that the Pope knows me!" said Bob. "It wasn't that..." said Fred, "when you two came out on the balcony, the guy behind me said 'who’s that with Bob?'"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 20, 2019, 14:59
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.  (http://emoticons.datahamster.com/drums.gif)

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 25, 2019, 18:38
The good people of Lancashire and Yorkshire have decided to forgive each other for The War of The Roses.

They've decided that 'Baah gooms be baah gooms'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 25, 2019, 20:06
The good people of Lancashire and Yorkshire have decided to forgive each other for The War of The Roses.

They've decided that 'Baah gooms be baah gooms'!
T'gud un!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 12, 2019, 12:02
My genius grandson has solved the mystery of the dinosaurs - and he's only 6 years old.

It wasn't volcanoes. It wasn't an asteroid. Someone put yellow labels on them. Then Grandma  bought them all and Granddad ate them all.

Oh dear!  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on September 12, 2019, 21:30
The kid's a genius but... how old does he think you are???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 12, 2019, 22:56
The kid's a genius but... how old does he think you are???
Older than the dinosaurs, apparently! Maybe 20 years old.. Being serious, I think he knew it was a joke, so maybe he'll have a career in stand up.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 15, 2019, 00:36
Weird Greenhouse Instructions
From Eden Greenhouses Burford ..
Quote
If you are siting your greenhouse on earth, please refer to the dimensions given in section 0 Foundation.
Strangely there are no instructions for Mars or even the Moon!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 16, 2019, 18:40
Weird Greenhouse Instructions
From Eden Greenhouses Burford ..
Quote
If you are siting your greenhouse on earth, please refer to the dimensions given in section 0 Foundation.
Strangely there are no instructions for Mars or even the Moon!

Ha ha ha!

Of course, you'd be OK on Venus as they're all green there, or so my Eagle comic from 1957 tells me...

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 16, 2019, 20:34

Of course, you'd be OK on Venus as they're all green there, or so my Eagle comic from 1957 tells me...

;0)

But the Mekon might get me!  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 04, 2019, 11:17
Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shake from side to side to all the men?”

Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on October 07, 2019, 16:55
I am bored and fed-up with my life.   So I have got a camper van, and I am going away touring until my money runs out.
I shall probably be back about 10 pm.     :lol:   Mrs Bouquet

Told to me by 10 year old grandson  8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: rogerbodger on October 10, 2019, 19:24
I visited the zoo earlier and saw what looked like a baguette in one of the enclosures. A bit puzzled I asked a member of staff what it was ... he said it was bread in captivity
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 18, 2019, 11:41
Mrs Growster and I had a big fight last evening; she accused me of being gullible and financially irresponsible!

Just wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian Lottery!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on October 18, 2019, 21:34
You can take her on holiday to the Benin Republic when you go to collect your pre-paid Visa card too!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 05, 2020, 17:32
Heard this on Antiques Road Trip.
 
A man goes to see his doctor .
" Doc , I think I'm addicted to twitter "
" I don't follow "  he replies
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 05, 2020, 21:06
Well posted Tenhens, almost forgot about this thread.  :ohmy:

Couple more:

Doctor, I need an urgent appointment - I think I'm shrinking.
Sorry sir, you'll have to be a little patient.

This is a favourite, but not sure anyone under 60 would get it nowadays:

Doctor doctor! I think I've got hermes.
Don't you mean herpes, sir?
No, I'm a carrier.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 06, 2020, 19:25
Well posted Tenhens, almost forgot about this thread.  :ohmy:

Couple more:

Doctor, I need an urgent appointment - I think I'm shrinking.
Sorry sir, you'll have to be a little patient.
 
This is a favourite, but not sure anyone under 60 would get it nowadays:

Doctor doctor! I think I've got hermes.
Don't you mean herpes, sir?
No, I'm a carrier.

'Give us a Laugh! '  must have gone into hibernation :lol: :lol:
I'm under 60 and the hermes gag made me chuckle. 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 07, 2020, 06:32
An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?

'Because this car can do up to 320 kilometres an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right.. But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 kph.  Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.  He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'C-c-could you p-p-please un-un-unhook my b-b-b-blasted b-b-b-braces from your b-b-b-blasted wing mirror'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on February 07, 2020, 16:37
Just to keep things moving
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 07, 2020, 19:27
Just to keep things moving

Why can't I think of any 'cow' puns .  shouldn't 'moving ' be mooooooving???
Was the cow from Uddersfield on it's way to Jersey?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on February 07, 2020, 19:41
Steady tenhens, you're milking those puns a little too much.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 07, 2020, 20:41
Perhaps butter to move on from these cheesey jokes, although I don't want you to think I'm unduly beefing about it.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 08, 2020, 07:15
I'll steak my life on betting that it will get even lower...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on February 08, 2020, 10:45
Right, that's it.
I'm Friesian you lot out....back on topic;

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and said, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order."

She replied, "Really? I don't know how you find the time."

"Oh that's easy," I said. "It's right next to the sage!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on February 08, 2020, 11:11
Please can I have another joke for W.I. on Wednesday.  :D  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on February 08, 2020, 11:18
Anyway, now I'm sober I got a proper dog..............Oh.......hang on :ohmy: :ohmy:



Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 15, 2020, 19:35
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer , 'sorry' the landlord replies , we don't serve food.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison.

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 16, 2020, 21:53
Now we're happily out of the Common Market, being in Kent, we're getting French coal merchants calling on households around here!

Mrs Growster was somewhat surprised when Pierre-Henri knocked on the door and asked if we would like to buy some coal from their own mines, somewhere down near The Dordogne!

She - quite rightly - gently declined the offer as all he could say was...

"Vould vous like ze coal 'a la carte or cul-de-sac'"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 16, 2020, 22:45
"Vould vous like ze coal 'a la carte or cul-de-sac'"!
GROAN :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on February 17, 2020, 00:06

"Vould vous like ze coal 'a la carte or cul-de-sac'"!

(https://media.giphy.com/media/XsUtdIeJ0MWMo/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on February 21, 2020, 12:15
Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 21, 2020, 17:47
Just a reminder to those who looted electrical goods in last year's riots...

...your 'One Year Manufacturer's Warranty' runs out soon.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on February 21, 2020, 20:01
Was captain Picard also reacting to the three ear Spock gag ??

 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 21, 2020, 20:15
For those who missed it..

How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three, a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.
 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 21, 2020, 21:13
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with a heavy packet of sandpaper. 

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 07, 2020, 13:09
Whilst Val was out scouring the supermarkets in case there was a tin of beans or a toilet roll left, I decided to follow my government survival instructions which we've still got.

Was she grateful? Of course not!

No - shouting at me and demanding I clean the whitewash off the windows, take the sandbags back outside and put the doors I'd used for the inner refuge back on their hinges.

WOMEN - Never happy whatever you do for them. I'm hiding in the Anderson until she calms down :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 08, 2020, 06:09
Don't worry John...

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
 
- Spike Milligan
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 13, 2020, 13:44
Our cats had a meeting about the coronavirus last night. They've decided that in the event of their humans being too weak to open a tin, they'll reluctantly have to eat the cat food from the day before. Once that has gone, they'll eat the humans!  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 14, 2020, 10:33
Saw this which made me laugh..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 14, 2020, 12:05
I went to the chemist today and asked the uniformed assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am so sorry, I thought you worked here"...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on March 18, 2020, 12:00
I hear in Germany that people are stockpiling sausage and cheese. They're preparing for the Wurst Käse scenario.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 18, 2020, 13:31
I hear in Germany that people are stockpiling sausage and cheese. They're preparing for the Wurst Käse scenario.

Veery interestink.. but stupid!

Remember .. Rowan and Martins Laugh In (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SVSak1oBCw)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on March 18, 2020, 14:05
Bit before my time that one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 18, 2020, 14:53
Bit before my time that one!
Shame - it was very funny at the time and Goldie Hawn in a bikini brightened it up no end!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 18, 2020, 15:21
I hear in Germany that people are stockpiling sausage and cheese. They're preparing for the Wurst Käse scenario.

Veery interestink.. but stupid!

Remember .. Rowan and Martins Laugh In (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SVSak1oBCw)

Awwwww, Goldie Hawn! Gorgeous, and Ruth Buzzi too!

Take it away Goldie - swipe with a five iron...

Veeery interestink, think abaaaht it...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 19, 2020, 09:13
****TOP TIP for home isolation******
Pretend you are a contestant on Ready,Steady,Cook and make a lovely meal for the family with what's left on the shelves in Tescos! A gherkin, a four way extension lead and shoe polish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on March 19, 2020, 12:59
Here's a little poem to cheer you all up. It was re-posted from somewhere by our local farmer who uses the actual farmland in Mauchline that Robbie Burns once owned. I need you to put on your thickest Scottish accent and give it a go...

Tae a Virus

Twa months ago, we didna ken,
yer name or ocht aboot ye
But lots of things have changed since then,
I really must salute ye

Yer spreading rate is quite intense,
yer feeding like a gannet
Disruption caused, is so immense,
ye’ve shaken oor wee planet.

Corona used tae be a beer,
they garnished it wae limes
But noo it’s filled us awe wae fear
These days, are scary times.

Nae shakin hawns, or peckin lips,
it’s whit they awe advise
But scrub them weel, richt tae the tips,
that’s how we’ll awe survive

Just stay inside , the hoose, ye bide
Nae sneakin oot for strolls
Just check the lavvy every hoor
And stock-take, your, loo rolls

Our holidays have been pit aff
Noo that’s the Jet2 patter
Pit oan yer thermals, have a laugh
And paddle ‘ doon the waater ‘

Canary isles, no for a while
Nae need for suntan cream
And awe because o this wee bug
We ken tae be..19

The boredom surely will set in,
But have a read, or doodle
Or plan yer menu for the month
Wi 95 pot noodles.

When these run oot, just look aboot
A change, it would be nice
We’ve beans and pasta By the ton
and twenty stane o rice.

So dinny think yell wipe us oot
Aye true, a few have died
Bubonic, bird flu, and Tb
They came, they left, they tried

Ye might be gallus noo ma freen
As ye jump fae cup tae cup
But when we get oor vaccine made
Yer number will be up.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 26, 2020, 20:27
I answered the door this morning...

A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twit.

Be careful folks, there's a nasty bug going around..

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 04, 2020, 13:18
I just love this
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 04, 2020, 17:57
This'll make you larf...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on April 04, 2020, 20:31
Sometimes it is really interesting when you watch random YouTube videos when tired. I have just watched one that has reposted stuff from Reddit where Anaesthesiologists were asked about the funniest things they had seen or heard when putting people under and this one really made me laugh...

When I was put under for tendon surgery when I was 16, I asked the Anaesthesiologist how long he had to go to med School and he responded with "All day!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on April 04, 2020, 21:54
The pandemic has changed everything - seems like only yesterday one used to cough to hide a fart; now it's the other way round.  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on April 05, 2020, 19:27
Are all those driving around wearing face masks worried about car owner virus?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 06, 2020, 12:36
Bit of pointed humour courtesy of Facebook
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WeavingGryphon on April 06, 2020, 14:33
"Children perform boring tasks better when dressed as Batman".
avocados are not vegan"
"Airbnb's HQ features a replica of the War Room from Dr Strangelove"

Found another, "TITSUP is a military aconym for "Total Inability To Support Usual Performance"".

I got these from the 2'024 QI facts To Stop You In Your Tracks. Just not feeling very funny, but thought these were.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: WeavingGryphon on April 06, 2020, 14:38
"Scurryfunge-is to tidy up quickly before visitors arrive." Still from QI.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on April 06, 2020, 15:34
A friends partner is having a really bad time coping with social distancing, she spends days, and sometimes all night just staring through the windows.

He added that he was still not going to let her in though!

Stay well everyone.

Br
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 07, 2020, 06:23
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to take out a £30,000 loan for a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure! I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(h/t - David Duff)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on April 07, 2020, 10:57

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(h/t - David Duff)

(https://media.giphy.com/media/XsUtdIeJ0MWMo/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on April 10, 2020, 21:13
I laid on a buffet for the family...they were not impressed and told me to get off

(Round The Horne)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 11, 2020, 05:14
Aaaaah, Kenneth Horne! Fabulously funny man!

'Loose-limbed, he walked into the room, so loose in fact that his left leg fell off and rolled under the sofa'...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 11, 2020, 06:45

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender 'Has my brother been in'.

The bar tender replies 'I dunno, what does he look like?'

:0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on April 11, 2020, 18:45
Just got back from shopping at Tesco. The bloke in front of me at the till had 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros.
Aye, aye I thought, Hispanic buying
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 13, 2020, 12:56
The government told the banks they have a moral duty to help people considering the support they had in 2008

The banks have formed a joint working committee to discover what morals are and their value in the current market.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 23, 2020, 00:00
It wouldn't surprise me..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on April 23, 2020, 00:06
Worryingly not far off the truth there John.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 23, 2020, 07:00
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on April 23, 2020, 14:38
I came home the other day to find my wife doing leg exercises on the coffee table in the living room, the ones where you lay on your back, put your hands under your hips, and pedal your legs in the air. 'Ey up, Mrs.' I said. 'That's what I like to see.'

'What's that?' she asked.

'Some shapely and sturdy legs.'

'Thank you dear,' she replied with a nice smile.

'Aye,' I said. 'Slimmer coffee table legs would never cope under that weight.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 23, 2020, 14:53
:lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on April 23, 2020, 15:35
A Welshman, an Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were in a pub.

Those were the days  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: grinling on April 25, 2020, 23:53
From a friend on facebook

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on April 26, 2020, 18:33
Didn't he park his car in one of the  undercover trolley bays as well.  :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on April 26, 2020, 21:26
..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on May 01, 2020, 09:45
A woman goes to the doctor regarding her husband erratic behaviour.
     "What's the matter with him?" asked the quack.
     "After he comes home from work he's just his usual self, but as the evening goes on he starts getting  more
      grumpy, until he finally starts shouting and screaming. What can I do? It's really upsetting me now."
     " The next time he starts to get grumpy," said the quack, "fill your mouth with a mixture of water and
     whisky, and then hold it there for about ten seconds before swallowing it." The woman went home and did       
     as the good doctor suggested.
     At the ensuing check-up appointment, she told the doctor that the change was amazing, and she never thought that such a simple mixture of water and whisky could have such an effect. "Oh, it's not the water
     and whisky," replied the quack. "It's because you have your mouth shut."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 01, 2020, 10:36
Overheard a dodgy bloke in the pub the other day, chatting with a mate.

"Just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet".

Mate asked which website he saw it on

He replied "Google earth"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on May 05, 2020, 11:31
I laid on a buffet for the family...they were not impressed and told me to get off

(Round The Horne)

That sounds like the kind of joke Tommy Cooper would come out with.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 05, 2020, 19:42
Finally found something the wifes butt does not look big in.









The distance !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 06, 2020, 07:11
Musical extravaganza - guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pICA--V9stE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pICA--V9stE)

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: 8doubles on May 06, 2020, 08:31
Musical extravaganza - guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pICA--V9stE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pICA--V9stE)

That is far too close to the 'Boys Brigade' that used to wake me up Sunday  mornings to be funny ! >:(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 08, 2020, 06:46
Nightmare! On the way back from Dagenham, I just overtook a huge truck, accidentally cutting him up. He then growled, pulled up next to me at the traffic lights, and opened his window...

I was expecting a series of expletives, or even worse, but he said, “Your perpendicular driving resulted in the need for an overly swift deceleration, which I found deplorable!”

I thought it was a bit weird him saying that, then realised it was an articulated lorry...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 15, 2020, 06:38

A rather thick chum crashed into a bloke in his car last evening.

He told the police that the guy had been drinking, smoking a fag and was texting on his mobile at the time of impact.

The Police assured my thick chum that the other gentleman was perfectly entitled to do as he pleased in his own conservatory...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on May 30, 2020, 14:47
Due to the Covid 19 situation we are skint and have no means to keep money coming into the house.  Therefore we are  proud to announce that we will be having a sale of our adult 'toys'  Don't be embarrased, all shapes, colours and sizes are available.  If you need a demonstration as to how to use them, please ask and we will oblige.  Please find below a rough list of what we have to offer.








Commodes, zimmer frames, adult nappies, walking sticks, pressure relief cushions and lost more.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on June 10, 2020, 21:28
We've had the decorators in this week. Got talking to one and it turns out he's a British Airways pilot furloughed because of covid.

Must say he made a wonderful job of the landing......
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on June 10, 2020, 22:42
Can't remember if we've had this one before, but …

Sign on a classical music shop door: "Bach in 5 minuets; gone Chopin."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on June 12, 2020, 13:07
A small pupil asked his teacher to help putting his little boots on.  Even with her pushing and his pulling the boots still wouldn't go on.
By the time they got to the second boot, she had worked a sweat up.   She almost cried when the little boy said "teacher they're on the wrong feet.   She looked, and sure enough they were.    Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
Then he announced  "these aren't my boots".    She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream 'why didn't you say so ?'  like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill fitting boots off his little feet.  No sooner had they got the boots off when he said  "they're my brothers boots.  But Mum made me wear them today. "    Now she didn't know whether she should laugh or cry.   She mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots back onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,  "now where are your mittens ?.

He said   "I STUFFED THEM INTO THE TOES OF MY BOOTS  ……

She will be eligible for parole in three years     !!!!!!            Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on June 17, 2020, 10:07
One for the moderators....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on July 02, 2020, 21:38
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 03, 2020, 06:51
Brilliant, Blackers!

John, you posted a joke similar to that about a gummint inspector once, but I can't find it...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on July 03, 2020, 10:53
Wish I got that joke  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 03, 2020, 11:38
Wish I got that joke  :wacko:
I am so glad I wasn't alone, I didn't get it either.   ::) ::)  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 08, 2020, 21:42
Wish I got that joke  :wacko:
I am so glad I wasn't alone, I didn't get it either.   ::) ::)  Mrs Bouquet
Same here. :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 09, 2020, 09:53
.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 09, 2020, 13:26
Kayne West for US President  -   Kim Kardashian, First Lady    :ohmy:  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 09, 2020, 15:33
Kayne West for US President  -   Kim Kardashian, First Lady    :ohmy:  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
That's not funny - it's a horror movie!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on July 09, 2020, 20:20
Kayne West for US President  -   Kim Kardashian, First Lady    :ohmy:  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
That's not funny - it's a horror movie!

A horror double bill with what's there at the moment!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: davethespread on July 09, 2020, 22:04
Hippos can run and swim faster than humans.
So you need to be good at cycling to beat a hippo in a triathlon.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 14, 2020, 14:12
when swimming pools re-open, due to social distancing,
There will be no water in lanes 1 and 3

Has Covid 19 forced you to wear and face mask and glasses at the same time,
You may be entitled to condensation

To prevent loneliness in lock down, I bought a dog from the blacksmith, 10 minutes after getting it home,
It made a bolt for the door..

Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 14, 2020, 15:22
To prevent loneliness in lock down, I bought a dog from the blacksmith, 10 minutes after getting it home,
It made a bolt for the door..
I don't know why, but that cracked me up  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 16, 2020, 09:52
To prevent loneliness in lock down, I bought a dog from the blacksmith, 10 minutes after getting it home,
It made a bolt for the door..
I don't know why, but that cracked me up  :D :D :D

Me too. It is a brilliant play on a sentence double meaning.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 17, 2020, 06:51
The Cardiologist and the Honda Mechanic.

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....





"Try doing it with the engine running."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 17, 2020, 19:34
To prevent loneliness in lock down, I bought a dog from the blacksmith, 10 minutes after getting it home,
It made a bolt for the door..
I don't know why, but that cracked me up  :D :D :D

Me too. It is a brilliant play on a sentence double meaning.

Was it wrought iron or stainless steel ?  ??? ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Subversive_plot on July 17, 2020, 20:22
Kayne West for US President  -   Kim Kardashian, First Lady    :ohmy:  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
That's not funny - it's a horror movie!

A horror double bill with what's there at the moment!

We elected a reality TV president. Now every day is an episode of "Survivor".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on July 26, 2020, 08:35
The Police pulled me over and yelled “PAPERS”!

I shouted “SCISSORS” and drove away with the win.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 26, 2020, 18:03
My chum just rang me and said,"What are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 29, 2020, 07:29
Is it really true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 31, 2020, 13:38
A friend was doing a crossword and asked her husband, "I am stuck ,   flightless bird from Iceland, 13 letters.
He thought about it,  and replied  "that's easy, its a frozen chicken"     Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 31, 2020, 14:29
A lovely elderly lady was stopped by the police for a speeding offence.
 
When asked by the young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" this elderly woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:-
 
 "Yes, but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
 
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day...
 
Makes perfectly good sense to me!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on August 03, 2020, 11:29
Why are ants never ill?

Because they have anty bodies.  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 03, 2020, 11:38
Why are ants never ill?

Because they have anty bodies.  :blush:

GROAN!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 03, 2020, 13:48
Why are bees never naughty? Because they bee-hive themselves!  :tongue2:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on August 03, 2020, 15:04
Love the last two jokes, just sent them on to 10 year old grandchildren.. thanks,   Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 05, 2020, 21:27
A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. A lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 06, 2020, 05:22
Two horses in the winners' enclosure at Ascot are talking at the end of the day about the races they've just won. First one says,

"You never lose that amazing feeling do you? The jockey on his feet in the stirrups, you're racing away and can see nothing but the line in front of you, and as you bolt through, the crowd are cheering and chanting your name!"

The other replies,

"It's just incredible. That was my first win at Ascot, and my owner and his wife couldn't stop hugging me, the crowd all patting me and the champagne corks popping. Outstanding!"

A greyhound is walking past, stops and says,

"You know, guys, I can fully sympathise with you both there. I won my tenth race at White City last week and I'm still buzzing from it. It never ceases to thrill you, I can assure you!"

The horses look at each other and one says,

"Blimey, a talking dog!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 07, 2020, 13:07
I saw something unspeakable on the A30 the other day...

A Royal Mail truck, followed by a DHL truck, followed by a Royal Mail truck, followed by a DHL truck...

(http://emoticons.datahamster.com/getmecoat.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 07, 2020, 13:21
A man vaulted the counter in a fish and chip shop in an attempted robbery..

The staff battered him.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on August 08, 2020, 11:01
I saw something unspeakable on the A30 the other day...

A Royal Mail truck, followed by a DHL truck, followed by a Royal Mail truck, followed by a DHL truck...

(http://emoticons.datahamster.com/getmecoat.gif)

The emoticon's very funny, but I.m afraid I'm too thick to get the joke...  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 08, 2020, 11:05
Me too, and also the one Growster posted.  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on August 08, 2020, 11:09
Me too, and also the one Growster posted.  :blush:

Ah, now that one I can help with.  2 talking horses waxing lyrical and poetical about their experience of winning.  Passing dog agrees.  Talking horses comment on the fact that a dog can talk!  Think that one depends on a slightly surreal sense of the ridiculous, to which I am prone...  :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on August 08, 2020, 11:24
I saw something unspeakable on the A30 the other day...

A Royal Mail truck, followed by a DHL truck, followed by a Royal Mail truck, followed by a DHL truck...

(http://emoticons.datahamster.com/getmecoat.gif)

The emoticon's very funny, but I.m afraid I'm too thick to get the joke...  :blush:

I don't get it either  !!!!  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 08, 2020, 20:42
I don't get it either  !!!!  Mrs Bouquet
Try reading it out loud, it's a tongue twister :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on August 08, 2020, 21:00
I don't get it either  !!!!  Mrs Bouquet
Try reading it out loud, it's a tongue twister :)

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnope.  Still not getting there... :blush:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 08, 2020, 23:57
I once witnessed an accident involving a red lorry and a yellow lorry. Police asked me who I thought was to blame. I said 'well, it's very hard to say'.  :lol: :lol:

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 09, 2020, 06:44
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.


"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick merry hell out of all of you!' "

St. Peter was impressed. "My goodness, when did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on August 09, 2020, 08:36
I don't get it either  !!!!  Mrs Bouquet
Try reading it out loud, it's a tongue twister :)

I think light may have dawned, courtesy of the above and Rocket.

I'm a simple soul.  Obviously very simple!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 09, 2020, 12:03
As for tongue twisters then...

Wife: 'And what's more, I know you've been having an affair with that Welsh bird from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.'

Husband: 'How can you say that?'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 09, 2020, 18:53
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.'



That's easy for you to say  :lol:

Anyway...

I was in the sweet shop yesterday.

I said to the assistant, "Do you do Twix?"

He said, "Well, I'm quite weasonable on a twampoline."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 10, 2020, 06:56
A dog is sitting in a cinema with its owner.

The dog stares at the screen intently and growls whenever the villain appears and wags his tail whenever the hero comes on. An old lady has been watching the dog’s behaviour, she turns to its owner and says, ‘That’s extraordinary behaviour for a dog.’

‘You’re right,’ says the owner. ‘It is surprising – he hated the book.’
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 15, 2020, 21:14
I’m trying to write a book about strong winds, but at the moment all I’ve got is a draft.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 16, 2020, 06:05
I was in a church recently, and noticed a nun carefully and methodically lighting each candle in perfect order.

I whispered to the bishop "She's systematic isn't she!"

He said "Oh no, that's Sister Mary."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on August 18, 2020, 16:25
I don't get it either  !!!!  Mrs Bouquet
Try reading it out loud, it's a tongue twister :)

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnope.  Still not getting there... :blush:

It is supposed to be a combination of words that is hard to say unless you sai them slowly. Unfortunately the joke falls flat if, like me, you don't have a problem saying that sentence at standard talking pace.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 18, 2020, 20:50
A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him .....bystanders said people did try to warn him...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on August 18, 2020, 21:56
A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him .....bystanders said people did try to warn him...
Subtle, and slightly nutty...  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on August 19, 2020, 00:09
A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

Whilst trying to take a group photo a giant lump of cheddar fell on him .....bystanders said people did try to warn him...
Subtle, and slightly nutty...  :D

Outright fromage if you ask me.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 19, 2020, 04:31
I was selling my pet python on Ebay and some bloke rang up and asked if it was a really big snake.

I replied that it’s huge, so he asked how many feet!

I said 'None, you idiot, its a blasted snake for God’s sake'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on August 22, 2020, 11:42
What do you call a belt made of watches    -    a waste of time    ::)  Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 24, 2020, 20:43
I’m trying to write a book about strong winds, but at the moment all I’ve got is a draft.

May I suggest a hot spicy curry and baked beans the night before. ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 25, 2020, 07:25
A young man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First he has to clear the weeds from the exotic fish pool. As he does this, a piranha jumps out and bites him. In a panic, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of cleaning out the primate house, he is attacked by two aggressive chimpanzees, who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes wildly at the two chimps with his spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, of course, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by a swarm of angry bees. He grabs the spade and smashes several of them to a pulp. He throws them into the lion enclosure, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks, "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 25, 2020, 15:16
Next day the same thing happened again. This time a poisonous snake made a lunge for him so he wacked it on the head, then a pygmy goat starting chewing his new trousers so that was quickly dispatched too. At feeding time the new lion asked "What's on the menu tonight?" The answer was "Snake and pygmy pie!"  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on August 26, 2020, 08:10
The next day when the new employee turned up for work, the Zoo Manager was waiting for him. Having realised that they were missing some very rare and valuable animals, the Manager had installed security cameras the previous day and had seen everything. He shouted at the employee, told him that he was fired and demanded that he go into the lion enclosure and retrieve the remains of any of the missing animals that he could find so they could be used as evidence against him.

That afternoon the new lion asked the others what was for dinner that evening. They replied "We're not sure but we hear they are sending the waiter over and we can ask him ourselves."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 27, 2020, 23:27
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 31, 2020, 07:44
Just got back from shopping at Tesco. The bloke in front of me at the till had 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros.

Aye, aye I thought, Hispanic buying...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on August 31, 2020, 22:59
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

Jokes that are as bad as this should be put to bed. ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on August 31, 2020, 23:36
I paid £100 up front for a chippie to make me up a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.

Jokes that are as bad as this should be put to bed. ;) ;)

There should be a blanket ban on them.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on September 01, 2020, 08:01
I thought the joke was very funny (duvet have no sense of humour?  :wub:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 02, 2020, 08:04
Well, I'd have gone out in 'divan' and bought another one!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on September 02, 2020, 14:09
I’m just going to sleep on it.  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 03, 2020, 15:25
Had you bought a German BMW bed, and quacked at everyone who bothered to listen, you could have enjoyed a 'bed-sprung duck technique'!

You wouldn't have to have had a big bill for it either...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 24, 2020, 12:05
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to reopen a medical clinic.
 
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
 
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.   

Dr Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"   

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."   

Dr Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"   

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations!   You've got your taste back. That will be $500."   

Dr Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.   

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."   

Dr Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."   

Dr Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"   

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."   

Dr Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.   

Dr Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"   

Dr Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).   

Dr Young: "But this is only $10!"   

Dr Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500!"   
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on September 24, 2020, 20:28
Latest to stop the stockpilers.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on October 20, 2020, 00:06
Horsham Bridge Club coronavirus guidelines:

Draft proposed coronavirus guidelines from the Horsham bridge club reopening sub-committee (Horsham BAG - Bridge Again Group):

1. Players will wear visors, and face coverings, disposable gloves, surgical gowns, and safety boots at all times.
2. No more than two households will be allowed in the ladies toilet at any one time.
3. In the gent's toilets, please stand at least two metres from the bowl at all times.
4. On entering the club, wash hands for 20 seconds, put your coat in your bag, go one way, but not the other. Or vice versa.
5. You must stay in a group of no more than six, and no more than two households. Anyone Scottish can have up to three households. Anyone Welsh can include one household from Scotland, but none from England. Anyone from Northern Ireland is probably lost.
6. Children under 12 don’t count (I blame the teachers)
7. Please stay within your social bubble
8. You can socially bubble with anyone with a national grade no more than two levels away.
9. You can partner anyone in your social bubble, or in your household, or aged under 12, but not all three.
10. When moving, an extra face mask should be worn
11. East must face west when moving south. South must look at north when east or west are moving. North must look confused.
12. Only one player at each table will be allowed to breathe at any one time.
13. Each player should face away from their partner when bidding.
14. Other players should face the player not bidding.
15. After each trick, cards should be safely disposed of, in the “Card Recycling After Play” bucket. This will be clearly labelled with its initials.
16. Immediately afterwards, wash your hands
17. North should score on the bridgemate with their right hand. They should hold their cards, or drink their tea, with their left hand – but not at the same time.
18. Anyone stealing a hand sanitiser will be held by the committee to avoid a clean getaway.
19. The Director will use the semaphore sign ‘M’ to call the movement.
20. To call the director, wave your hands about maniacally, while pointing at the offensive opposition.
21.   All arguments with the director will be by Whatsapp (cross face) ………….................................(cross face should wear a face mask)
22. The exit must never be used as an entrance. That would be way out of line. Not the in thing at all.

By Order
The Committee
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on November 14, 2020, 10:10
Meanwhile at tha Dog household....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on November 15, 2020, 19:29
One for any mathematicians, or anyone who remembers their school geometry.....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 15, 2020, 19:55
That's a good 'un, Mr Dog.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on November 15, 2020, 20:21
Groan...  :) :D :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on November 15, 2020, 23:16
What is this strange new measurement 'feef'? By God that makes me itchy and I don't like maths!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on November 16, 2020, 10:31
Mycota Powder will deal with itchy feet but maybe a trip to the dentist might be needed to help with the "feef"?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 16, 2020, 12:07
What is this strange new measurement 'feef'? By God that makes me itchy and I don't like maths!
Damn this metric system!  :mad:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on November 20, 2020, 11:49
Damn this metric system!  :mad:

You use a metric system for counting don't you, or do you count in binary or hexadecimal?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 20, 2020, 12:25
Yes, we've but we've always counted that way, haven't we.
Although  we supposedly changed to metric years ago, many of us 'oldies' have trouble with metric when measuring things.
I always have to convert to feet and inches because the metric measurement system, somehow, just doesn't mean anything much to my old brain. After all, it was programmed in the 50s & early 60s and some system updates just don't seem to work very well, if at all  :wacko:  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on November 20, 2020, 13:57
I've said before, embrace both if you can, there are merits to both systems. It's handy when watching American woodworkers/ craftsmen. I know what dimensions they're working with just as easily as if it was someone from the UK.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 20, 2020, 14:06
Yes, we've but we've always counted that way, haven't we.
Although  we supposedly changed to metric years ago, many of us 'oldies' have trouble with metric when measuring things.
I always have to convert to feet and inches because the metric measurement system, somehow, just doesn't mean anything much to my old brain. After all, it was programmed in the 50s & early 60s and some system updates just don't seem to work very well, if at all  :wacko:  :lol: :lol:

I don’t think updates are available for our vintage, Mum  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 20, 2020, 15:32
I use the Baldrick system of counting  :lol:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4IQjUpTNVU (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4IQjUpTNVU)

It’s also a great excuse to dig out an old clip just for a bit of a morale boost  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 20, 2020, 15:48
 :lol: :lol:
Luckily I am a bit better than that  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on November 20, 2020, 19:19
Yes, we've but we've always counted that way, haven't we.
Although  we supposedly changed to metric years ago, many of us 'oldies' have trouble with metric when measuring things.
I always have to convert to feet and inches because the metric measurement system, somehow, just doesn't mean anything much to my old brain. After all, it was programmed in the 50s & early 60s and some system updates just don't seem to work very well, if at all  :wacko:  :lol: :lol:

So it is not the system, it is change involving learning something new or doing something differently. Logically to me the metric system makes more sense because it is consistent with our base 10 counting system, and it is trivial to do mental arithmetic with multiples of 10, Metric is also used as standard units in science.

I can understand annoyance at the inconvenience of changing the way you done things for decades, but usually, change is good, if we never changed anything we would never progress as a civilisation.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on November 20, 2020, 20:51
:lol: :lol:
Luckily I am a bit better than that  ::)

I was taught metric at school but my parents were strictly imperial, so I am of the age group that does have a grasp of both ... except old money ... I don’t get that at all  :wacko:

That’s where the Baldrick system kicks in  :lol:

Anyway, as I always say, before you judge anyone who doesn’t use the metric system, you should try walking 1.609344 kilometres in their shoes  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 21, 2020, 06:22
When I was training for surveying exams, the new metric system was introduced to replace the imperial system, in the late sixties.

We all had to ditch the old Standard Method of Measurement, and use millimeters etc. It was chaotic, and the tutors were none the wiser as well, especially in the earlier months. There was continued debate as to whether one measured in millimeters or centimeters, and how many noughts one wrote after the decimal point. Up to then, measurements were quantified by multiplying feet and inches using duodecimals, and this was all before calculators came on the scene as well! Many's the time I would arrive at the office, (very junior back then), and have to calculate squares and cubes all day, on scrap paper...

When I moved to London to work, the firm had just bought two desktop calculators, which were the size of a typewriter, and cost the same as a Mini Minor!

The calculator I have in front of me cost three quid on Ebay, and is the size of an old Gold Leaf fag packet...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on November 21, 2020, 10:27
It ain't all progress though...

My neighbour had one of the early desktop calculators with full keyboard style keys and those wonderful nixie tubes for the numbers. My first school calculator had the glowing red numbers behind some really dark plastic that ate the batteries but was easy to see (8008135 and 80087335 bring back any memories?). Now, with the cheapo LCD ones, if you aren't right in front of them you can't see diddly on the display!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 21, 2020, 11:39
It ain't all progress though...

My neighbour had one of the early desktop calculators with full keyboard style keys and those wonderful nixie tubes for the numbers. My first school calculator had the glowing red numbers behind some really dark plastic that ate the batteries but was easy to see (8008135 and 80087335 bring back any memories?). Now, with the cheapo LCD ones, if you aren't right in front of them you can't see diddly on the display!

One thing some of the chaps found on these big calculators, was that if you hit about eight keys simultaneously, and pressed return, the machine used to start counting from 1,2,3 etc.!

They all used to take bets on what the number would be when they got back from lunch!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on December 23, 2020, 10:58
..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growing Weather on December 23, 2020, 11:36
Only a few Christmas's ago I was really down everyone around me seemed to be doing really well and were as happy as Larry. I was down to my last few pounds and ended up having to sell my house. It wasn't long before unfortunately I ended up in prison.


 But then I threw a double six, passed go and collected £200 and bought a hotel!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growing Weather on December 23, 2020, 11:41
When you clean a vacuum cleaner you


become a vacuum cleaner!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on December 23, 2020, 17:13
Breaking news... 

I've just been reliably informed that Cornwall is to be placed into Tier 4 with immediate effect. Apparently all the pirates returning home for Christmas have sent the Arrrrrgh rate through the roof! 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on December 23, 2020, 17:35
That reminds me of my all time favourite pirate joke.

Why are pirates so norty ...

... because they just arrrrrrgh
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on December 25, 2020, 11:02
My sister has just posted this on our family WhatsApp group. My six year old niece is the one making the comment...

"Yesterday Joanna caught me cleaning and said in a conspiratorial voice, "I know what you're doing. You're cleaning the bathroom just in case Father Christmas needs a wee!" (Giggle, giggle)."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on December 28, 2020, 12:12
Inspired by a post-Christmas comment by my parents...

To the tune of "What shall we do with a Drunken Sailor?"

What shall we do with the Christmas Turkey,
What shall we do with the Christmas Turkey,
What shall we do with the Christmas Turkey,
Early in the New Year?

Chop its legs off and chuck'em in the freezer,
Chop its legs off and chuck'em in the freezer,
Chop its legs off and chuck'em in the freezer,
Early in the New Year!

Slice it up and put it in a sarnie,
Slice it up and put it in a sarnie,
Slice it up and put it in a sarnie,
Early in the New Year!

Boil it up and turn it into curry,
Boil it up and turn it into curry,
Boil it up and turn it into curry,
Early in the New Year!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 28, 2020, 14:49
Mince it up, make turkey burgers,
Mince it up, make turkey burgers,
Mince it up, make turkey burgers,
Early in the New Year!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 29, 2020, 05:23
I just got knocked down and run over by a lorry salting the roads!

"I'll get you one day, you swine"!

...I said through gritted teeth.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on January 11, 2021, 15:05
I had to laugh
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 12, 2021, 07:16
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on January 15, 2021, 16:28
Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.


Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it. (http://emoticons.datahamster.com/getmecoat.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on January 22, 2021, 14:39
I have got a pair of Mo Farah's socks.       They are great for athletes foot   !!

I finally did it.     Bought a pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.     No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.   
                                                   and facts about staying heathy

1.  If walking and cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.   A whale swims all day, only eats crill and drinks water,  why is it fat ? .

3.    A rabbit runs and hops alot, but only lives for 15 years.

4.    A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing - yet lives for 450 years.

AND I AM TOLD TO EXERCISE      -       I don't think so. 

Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on January 23, 2021, 11:29
The reason why rabbits only live for 15 years is because they are so ' busy ' if you get my drift  ;) ;) the tortoise would appear to have sussed this out .
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 24, 2021, 08:04
I knew a chap who was invited to a fancy dress party on Saturday!

He decided to go as a tortoise, so he left home on Thursday night to get there on time...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on January 27, 2021, 22:12
Last night I was walking home and decided to take a shortcut past the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were really scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me.

I told them... "I understand. I used to be freaked out too when I was still alive."

I have never seen anyone run that fast!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 28, 2021, 05:13
I saw a hitchhiker thumbing a lift the other day, so stopped after giving him the once-over at a safe distance - he seemed alright.

The chap got in and we set off.

After a few minutes, he said, "Good of you to give me a lift, but how do you know I'm not a serial killer"?

I gave him a sideways glance, and said, "The statistical chances of there being two serial killers in the same car are just not worth calculating"!

He hopped out at the next traffic lights...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 05, 2021, 10:45
I never thought when I was a young man I'd see lines of pensioners queuing in the street to get a fix!
Sorry, listening to Lou Reed sparked that one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kla_Jd7EyT4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kla_Jd7EyT4) 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on February 06, 2021, 14:36
My darling wife says I only have two faults. One is that I never listen to her, and the other is something else she was wittering on about.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on February 07, 2021, 13:37
Paddy gets a job on a building site, and the boss tells him he must be there at 8am to start work, and not leave any earlier 5pm, or he will be sacked instantly. Paddy agrees, and promises to behave himself.

At midday on the Monday the boss leaves the site, and Paddy's colleagues pack up to go home, telling Paddy that the boss won't be back again that day, so he might as well go home. However, Paddy keeps his promise and stays there until 5pm, and is the only person to stay.

Exactly the same happens Tuesday and Wednesday, but when midday on Thursday arrives, Paddy caves in to peer pressure and leaves the site with the rest of them just after 12pm. However, when he gets home he hears some noises coming from upstairs, and quietly creeps up to see what's going on, whereupon he discovers the boss in bed with Mrs Paddy. Surprised and shocked, he turns around and goes back to the building site.

The following day, the boss goes off site again, and Paddy's mates tell him it's time to go home. Paddy replies, 'Not a chance! I nearly got caught yesterday!'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on February 07, 2021, 16:37
I was discussing with my daughter The Masked Singer and who could be who.  According to my four year old grandson Badger is Postman Pat.  Bless him for trying to join in with an adult conversation.  :D  It made my daughter and I laugh.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 11, 2021, 05:03
A couple were visiting Blackpool when they noticed a tent with a sign, “Big Chief Howling Wolf – He Remembers Everything”.

The husband decided to give it a go so he paid his money and asked his question, “Who won the FA cup final in 1915?” and the Chief replied straightaway, “Sheffield United!”

Ten years later the couple were making a return visit to the town and were surprised to see that the tent was still there. The husband again decided to test the Chief’s memory, and, as the BBC keeps telling us, being some time ago, his language was what ‘we’ now consider unacceptable.

As he entered the tent he said, “How!” And the Chief, without looking up said, “Three nil, Kitchen scoring the final goal.”

h/t JimS - elsewhere.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Subversive_plot on February 12, 2021, 22:39
"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf"
Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."

- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 24, 2021, 13:53
So, I went to this Eskimo restaurant.

I asked to see the menu.

The waiter said "we don't have a lot of options so I'll just call them out to you."

"We have Whale meat steaks, we have Whale meat curry, we have Whale meat stir-fry and of course we have the Vera Lynn."

I said "what's the Vera Lynn?"

He said "Whale meat again."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 24, 2021, 14:12
 ::)  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 24, 2021, 14:30
Groan!!!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 25, 2021, 07:06
This morning my dog looked at me and then said; ''Tell me a joke!''

I replied; ''No, you wouldn't understand the concept of human humour.''

''Oh yeah,'' he whinged. ''Because humans are sooo clever and I'm just a stupid dog.''

''Okay, okay,'' I said. ''Knock knock...''

Then he ran off shouting; ''It's the door! it's the front door! Quick, quick, there's somebody at the front door''.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 25, 2021, 18:02
Apparently the three things people find most difficult to say are:

1) Sorry.

2) I was wrong and you were right.

3) Worcestershire sauce.

(Would be so much easier if it was called Worcester sauce but it isn't - yes, I checked the label!  :lol:)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on February 26, 2021, 13:41
Ah, I see the label was printed in Frome, then?

I reckon Frome is the only place in the UK to have a sign "Welcome to Frome. Say it right or we aren't letting you in!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on February 26, 2021, 15:35
Unfortunately, it seems I've caught covid from my cat.

Don't ask meow.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on February 26, 2021, 15:40
3) Worcestershire sauce.

 :mad:  >:(  :mad:  >:(  :mad:  >:(  :mad:  >:(  :mad:

Arrrrrrrggggggh! It's not difficult!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on February 27, 2021, 10:55
Had my Covid jab a few days ago - strangely she jabbed me in my leg rather than my arm.

Pfizer still hurting now.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on February 27, 2021, 11:00
groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on February 28, 2021, 00:42
Had my Covid jab a few days ago - strangely she jabbed me in my leg rather than my arm.

Pfizer still hurting now.

(https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f955f13c61257ea1f886e0de747de97f55bd9b794f97a59ae2676b84b4f22e9f.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 28, 2021, 06:09
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PodQkzpokqU&ab_channel=robelinda2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PodQkzpokqU&ab_channel=robelinda2)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 01, 2021, 16:54
"What is your super power?"

"Hindsight"

"That's not going to help us"

"Yes, I see that now"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 03, 2021, 06:19
Two alligators were walking down the street and one says, "Its quiet around here"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 05, 2021, 15:08

Just found out that my uncle is a mime artist.



He kept that quiet.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 05, 2021, 17:50
Had my Covid jab a few days ago - strangely she jabbed me in my leg rather than my arm.

Pfizer still hurting now.
Finally I got it! Groan :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 09, 2021, 09:36
This one is true...
Due to some confusion over the numbers on the end bits of the hair clippers, I now have a new hairstyle, rather than the Einstein look I was cultivating.
It's going to save a lot of money on shampoo but it's costing a fortune in Mr Sheen!  :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Val H on March 13, 2021, 18:54
Farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet?
How would he feed his wife and kids ?
How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses.After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer.
 "That was Thora Hird"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 13, 2021, 20:07
groan  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 14, 2021, 06:51
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry lads............. I can't let you in without a Thai." !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 14, 2021, 16:12
Here's a question for all you mind readers out there..
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on March 15, 2021, 03:12
Here's a question for all you mind readers out there..

 :lol:

Which reminds me...

Man gets sent to prison, come the first meal break some one says "142" and everybody laughs.  Soon after, another bloke says "19" and everybody laughs again. 

This goes on for a while and the newbie turns to the man beside him and says "What's going on?  Why is everybody laughing at numbers?"

His fellow inmate says "Oh that.  They're jokes.  It's just that we've all been her so long that we numbered them instead of telling the whole thing to save time."

"Oh, right.  Would anybody mind if I joined in?"

"No not all.  Go right ahead".

So our friend takes a deep breath and says "259".  To his great surprise, the whole table falls about laughing harder than ever. 

So he says "Well, that went down well".

"Yes" came the reply.  "We hadn't heard that one before..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 15, 2021, 06:48
That is hilarious, Blackpool!

Best laugh of the day!

:0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 16, 2021, 11:01
This is from my Grandaughter:  -       
What are the strongest days of the week?   
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays. 
Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: basketcase on March 19, 2021, 10:32
We need a groan emoji...  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 19, 2021, 10:51
We need a groan emoji...  :nowink:
Yep!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on March 19, 2021, 11:01
This cracked me up  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Mr Dog on March 19, 2021, 12:19
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on March 19, 2021, 12:54
This cracked me up  :D

That is so funny.   Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on March 19, 2021, 18:37
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walked in to a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit: "What is your blood type?"
"I am probably a type O" said the rabbit.

 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on March 20, 2021, 09:43
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog replied, “that's no good, it wouldn't make any sense to my dad”!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 20, 2021, 12:11
I hired a handyman to do some work, and gave him a list of things to do

When I got home he'd only done tasks 1,3,and 5

Turned out he was an odd job man
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 20, 2021, 12:14
Are we allowed pictures?

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on March 20, 2021, 12:17
Are we allowed pictures?
Yes just so long as they're appropriate and please consider copyright - we don't want to get into legals!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on March 20, 2021, 13:06
The vaccination must have been in the right arm  ;) ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on March 20, 2021, 20:52
That is hilarious, Blackpool!

Best laugh of the day!

:0)

I knew you'd enjoy it! ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aidy on April 03, 2021, 16:48
Went for a walk down Blackpool prom earlier.
Saw these two so thought best take a photo as they busy and not looking....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on April 04, 2021, 17:45
For the monitors, this may be classed as borderline:

Many years ago, I went on a blind date, and met this lovely woman at a restaurant.

She said, "I've only slept with three men before I met you."

Good God, I thought! I'm only twenty minutes late!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on April 04, 2021, 21:01
For the monitors, this may be classed as borderline:

Maybe, but it made me laugh anyway  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on April 04, 2021, 21:41
We don’t have any monitors so that’s okay  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 05, 2021, 06:48
Why did the Queensland kangaroo stop when he got just over the NSW border?
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
...because he was out of bounds...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on April 05, 2021, 19:11
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Have you driven one of these before?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on April 05, 2021, 19:33
Chris Packham, expert on wasps and the noises that they make, ventured into a record shop.
He spotted a vinyl copy of "Sounds of Wasps" and asked the gentleman behind the counter if he could listen to a little of it.
After a couple of minutes he says "I'm Chris Packham, expert on wasps and the noises that they make and I don't recognise a single sound on this record."
They listen to a few minutes more and he says "I'm Chris Packham, expert on wasps and the noises that they make and I still don't recognise a single sound on this record."
After a few mintues more, clearly agitated now he says "I'm Chris Packham, expert on wasps and the noises that they make and for reasons I don't comprehend I don't recognise a single sound on this record what so ever!"

The chap behind the counter stops the record and inspects it closely. "Oh" he says, "Looks like I was playing the Bee-side."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Kleftiwallah on April 11, 2021, 13:40
The big hairy tattood trucker goes into the truck stop for his lunch and orders the soup of the day.  The waitress returns with his order and he can't help noticing she has her thumb in the soup.  "You've got your thumb in my soup" says the trucker.  "Oh, replies the waitress, I have an arthritic joint in my thumb and the doctor told me to keep it warm". 

"I'll tell you where you can stick your thumb to keep it warm" replied the trucker. 
"Oh I do" replied the waitress, "when I'm not serving soup"!

Giggles all round.   Cheers,  Tony.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on April 11, 2021, 15:05
Oh dear oh dear  :lol:  Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on April 14, 2021, 11:45
I asked my Grandpa... "After 65 years of marriage you still call Grandma Darling, Beautiful and Honey. What is the secret?"

He said... "I forgot her name five years ago and I am too scared to ask her!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on April 15, 2021, 10:21
Some bad news..

The new French vaccine made from a distillation of minced snails, frog's legs and garlic is not effective against COVID-19 trials have shown

Some good news...

It works a treat against vampires  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on April 19, 2021, 09:20
Fangs for that John!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on April 20, 2021, 18:14
Monty bought a new record for his collection, 'the sounds Wasps make'.
What a disappointment when he played it, the sounds were all wrong. Nothing like Wasps.
Then he realised that he was playing the 'Bee' side.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on April 21, 2021, 00:20
Monty bought a new record for his collection, 'the sounds Wasps make'.
What a disappointment when he played it, the sounds were all wrong. Nothing like Wasps.
Then he realised that he was playing the 'Bee' side.

*cough* I refer you to the joke I posted on the 5th April ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on April 22, 2021, 23:10
(https://thechive.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/c4a687f070eee681daf722d9b67cea46_width-600.jpeg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lardman on April 23, 2021, 08:29
PMSL : That's the first time I've seen that, so true.

Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on April 27, 2021, 22:48
What do you call monkeys that share an Amazon account?



Prime mates.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 28, 2021, 07:03
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning Father, Good morning Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on April 28, 2021, 15:54
That has made me laugh out loud  :lol: :lol:  Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on April 30, 2021, 08:10
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

I said: "To be honest, I didn't even know he played cricket !"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on April 30, 2021, 08:12
You thought that was bad.................

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: snowdrops on April 30, 2021, 17:29
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning Father, Good morning Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

 :lol: :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 01, 2021, 09:55
Don't you mean the forth app  ;) ;) ??
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on May 02, 2021, 16:18
Came across the following on the BBC news pages.

" Jets brought in to tackle ' horrible gunky ' fatball ".

I wonder which jets the RAF sent . 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 02, 2021, 17:19
Came across the following on the BBC news pages.

" Jets brought in to tackle ' horrible gunky ' fatball ".

I wonder which jets the RAF sent .
I don't know but the BBC new subtitles said children's education was suffering in depraved areas
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on May 02, 2021, 19:17
I use the subtitles all the time and sometimes they are very funny.  Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 06, 2021, 10:04
This is true, it wasn't funny for my daughter but it tickled me.
She took my grandson to a home ed. meeting, first indoor meet for a year. Very exciting for the children, reconnecting and suchlike. There were treats too!
On the way back grandson was sick in the car. Daughter's description was unprintable but grandson's was
"It was AWESOME - pink with lumps in it and it went EVERYWHERE and it stinks"
Oh the joys of being 8  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on May 06, 2021, 10:46
I will own up to one at the age of five... taken to a party, given a box of Smarties (a box, not a tube)... got into the Mini 850 for the trip home and ate the lot...

Me : "I'm feeling sick"
Mum : "Wait... wait, let me pull over. Wait!"
Me : "Bleargh!"

I had the choice of into her handbag on the seat next to me or the passenger door magazine pocket thingy.

Apparently I got both! 100% Artificial Colouring... with chocolate!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on May 09, 2021, 09:59
I thought this was a good piece of advice...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on May 09, 2021, 10:57
That’s a good adage to live by, Daniel.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on May 10, 2021, 22:52
I thought this was a good piece of advice...

I like to think that is more about not being judgemental toward those you know little about.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on May 11, 2021, 11:40
The Lee Family has really been stressing me out !
Perhaps you know them ?
Emotional Lee,
Mental Lee,
Physical Lee,
and lets not forget
Financial Lee.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 12, 2021, 07:14
And not forgetting the inimitable...

Toad Lee!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 12, 2021, 08:48
And not forgetting the inimitable...

Toad Lee!
And his brother, Actua :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on May 12, 2021, 12:42
There's another brother I forgot:    -    Serious  Lee    Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: New shoot on May 12, 2021, 18:42
You lot are the Lee Mit  ::) 
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 12, 2021, 19:10
Actually, Toadlee is a firm friend who lives in our greenhouse!

He got swept up a couple of years ago, and was saved by just showing a leg, yelling 'HOY', and escaping the brush!

He's the size of a small apple now, and a very happy chap and we love him and even give him a snail or two when they get a bit frisky and start noshing the tiny seedlings we're trying to grow!

A distant relation is Sid, the spider, who keeps making a web just inside the door, and collecting us as we walk in!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 13, 2021, 07:41
The energy issue solved at a stroke!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on May 13, 2021, 11:09
I can sympathise sometimes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on May 13, 2021, 20:28
I was in a cafe this morning and I had to complain to the server as the coffee tasted like mud.
The server replied 'I should hope so, it was fresh ground this morning'.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on May 13, 2021, 23:04
Groan!  :nowink:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 16, 2021, 10:01
Having come into an inheritance, I decided to invest the money. I spent 3 days researching various funds with names like: Unicorn Outstanding British Companies Class B - Accumulation (GBP), Legal & General UK Mid Cap Index Class C - Accumulation (GBP) and Jupiter Asian Income  (Class 1). The idea is to build a diversified portfolio that will outpace inflation and the markets.

Finally I settled on Lucky Lad in the 3:30  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on May 16, 2021, 10:58
The Pope was on a visit to Liverpool and he invited people with problems to be part of the audience.

Billy was the first up and asked the Pope to help with his hearing, so the Pope put his hands over Billy's ears and said a prayer.

"How is your hearing now"? he asked.

"Billy replied, "I don't know, it's not till next Wednesday"!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jezza on May 27, 2021, 12:55
Hello here's one my uncle just sent me (cleaned up version)a Yorkshire Farmer sees a man kneeling down next to a brook taking a drink he shouts oi mate that's got hoss pee and cow manure in it the man looks up and says I'm from London could you repeat that slowly so I can understand you ,the farmer says if   you   use   both  hands   you wont    spill   any .    jezza
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on May 30, 2021, 08:34
News reporters around the world in terror as the new llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Covid variant has been identified in Wales.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on May 30, 2021, 13:55
I'm fascinated by medieval history and recently I was researching miltary hierarchy and in particular the young servants. The results were poor as I got a 404 - page not found error.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Longshanks on June 06, 2021, 08:15
I went to a really posh, exclusive restaurant last night with the great, great, great, great grandson of Handel. His name still opens doors.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jezza on June 09, 2021, 09:23
Hello heard this in an agricultural dealers Monday  a farmer asks for a gate how wide do you want the gate asked the assistant,farmers reply was to fit the oile(hole) how bigs the hole asked the assistant  fits the gate says the farmer,how wide do you want it says the assistant the farmer puts his arms out and says this wide and add 2 foot ,right says the assistant grabbing a tape measure that's 8 foot ,how many crooks do you want what says the farmer crooks to hang it on says the assistant,don't do them says the farmer a bit of hairy willy band (baler twine) is sufficient   jezza     
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on June 25, 2021, 15:08
Bees from which country can hold the most data? U-S-Bees  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on July 06, 2021, 08:26
This made me chuckle...


Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 13, 2021, 14:20
Exercise for people over 60.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on July 13, 2021, 15:19
Yes, it's still a good'un  :D

https://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=52701.msg1551068#msg1551068
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 13, 2021, 15:40
Yes, it's still a good'un  :D

https://chat.allotment-garden.org/index.php?topic=52701.msg1551068#msg1551068

Damn, someone beat me to it. It is hard to know what has been posted without going through over 270 pages of posts.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on July 13, 2021, 23:47
Damn, someone beat me to it. It is hard to know what has been posted without going through over 270 pages of posts.
Something to do on a rainy day :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 18, 2021, 10:50
Amongst other types of people.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 18, 2021, 15:46
That is fabulous, Al!

When I learned to play bridge, I began to dislike everyone, so I gave up, and am a better man for it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 18, 2021, 22:28
That is fabulous, Al!

When I learned to play bridge, I began to dislike everyone, so I gave up, and am a better man for it!

These days my bridge standard has gone downhill and so has the enjoyment with it, but the one thing that keeps me going back to the club (when we are not in a pandemic) are my cute attractive friendly female bridge partners who are so nice to cuddle.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on July 20, 2021, 10:12
.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on July 26, 2021, 23:18
I failed my ventriloquist exams..... I can't say I'm surprised!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 27, 2021, 05:22
Watched the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games with a group of mates and we decided to drink a small glass of sake every time we heard the word ‘diversity’ mentioned.

When I regained consciousness the next morning, I discovered that three of my friends had died of alcohol poisoning.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on July 27, 2021, 09:19
Watched the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games with a group of mates and we decided to drink a small glass of sake every time we heard the word ‘diversity’ mentioned.

When I regained consciousness the next morning, I discovered that three of my friends had died of alcohol poisoning.

How come I missed Ashley Banjo  :ohmy: :ohmy:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 27, 2021, 11:38
Mrs Growster is not talking to me since she asked me to make a bird table, and she was written down as fifth...:0(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 06, 2021, 06:47
Does anyone know how to stop the constant dripping and condensation in my home?

Please call, the kettle is always on!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: al78 on August 13, 2021, 10:02
.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 15, 2021, 09:33
..... Makes you think!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on August 17, 2021, 16:16
A young couple moved into a new house.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast the young woman saw her neighbour hanging the washing outside and said to her husband…

"That  laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly!! Perhaps she needs better soap powder!!"

Her husband looked on, remaining silent.

Every time her neighbour hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.

A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 17, 2021, 17:38
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?

I put one in for a Cowboy Outfit yesterday, now I'm only ten minutes away from owning Network Rail...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 22, 2021, 22:28
A married couple were sitting quietly at home one night when the wife asks:

“You remember twenty years ago, we had an argument and we both decided to write a list of all the things that annoyed us about each other?”

The husband chuckles and replies, “yes I do. Do you know I think I still have that list tucked away somewhere upstairs.”

She replies, “well, I just finished mine.”
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 25, 2021, 15:18
My wife thought I was stupid for building a car out of spaghetti..

You should have seen her face when I drove Pasta (http://emoticons.datahamster.com/driving.gif)     

(http://emoticons.datahamster.com/getmecoat.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on August 25, 2021, 20:37
You should have seen her face when I drove Pasta

GROAN!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on August 25, 2021, 23:33
My wife thought I was stupid for building a car out of spaghetti..

You should have seen her face when I drove Pasta (http://emoticons.datahamster.com/driving.gif)     

(http://emoticons.datahamster.com/getmecoat.gif)

(https://media.tenor.com/images/768c68b83faa9638c9e9bccac14c9d3a/tenor.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Subversive_plot on August 26, 2021, 03:07
 Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 26, 2021, 06:08
During lockdown, anyone wishing to show their appreciation for Amazon delivery drivers are asked to clap hands at their home anytime between 9am and 6pm the following day...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on August 27, 2021, 14:11
(https://thechive.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Daily-Afternoon-Randomness-Hotness-Humor-Humanity-WAR-DAR-Funny-Pictures-082621-38.jpg)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 27, 2021, 14:21
Mobile users eh...

Paah!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 27, 2021, 23:56
Pikture


The old and well worn "Too drunk to walk" excuse...It didn't wrok then, it won't wirk now.
Just merember kids, know your limitrations, always dring risponsibli and never let your gard dawn. rispekt yaw eldrs a
                 n
                   d zz
   zzz z

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 28, 2021, 00:00


(https://media.tenor.com/images/768c68b83faa9638c9e9bccac14c9d3a/tenor.gif)

Are you stalking me  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 28, 2021, 00:07
Just for you my friend...











Q: What do ravioli play at birthday parties?
A: Pasta parcel


 :lol: :lol: 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 28, 2021, 06:47
Why did the pasta phone his old girlfriend, late one night?

He was feeling canneloni...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 28, 2021, 14:46
Watch your step Growster, I think Mr P1P might have Italian "connections", :ohmy: you'll end up on his "watch list" too  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on August 28, 2021, 15:21
If you're really lucky Mr G, you might find a genuine Rolex, Omega, or maybe a Longines in your St. Rudolph's stocking this year. I, myself, as in me, might be lucky to get a battery for my bedside clock!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on August 28, 2021, 17:21
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark. Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.

As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached. It took a while, but eventually Justin realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.

With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."
Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."
Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...



I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on August 28, 2021, 17:40
*Groan*  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 28, 2021, 18:29
Fabulous, Blackpool R!

Tears-sur-keyboard!

;0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 28, 2021, 18:43
This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The bird hadn't said a word.

The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot, which was unconscious. "What happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store owner.

"Yep - right before he conked out it said, 'What's the blasted matter with you lot? Don't they sell blasted birdseed at the blasted pet store any more?'"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on September 09, 2021, 01:15
A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on September 25, 2021, 18:20
Something wrong here...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: jaydig on September 25, 2021, 18:31
I've just read through the last couple of pages of jokes and after a really sh........bad day, I'm going to bed with a smile on my face.  Thank you everyone!!!!!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 03, 2021, 17:32
​One day, God rang Satan, and suggested they go out for lunch at the usual place, 'The Holy Grill'...

They took their seats at their usual table and small talk started...

'So how's things down there Satan', asked God?

'Oh the usual suspects, politicians, bank managers, lawyers and the like, but funnily enough we got a wizened old gardener the other day - dunno why, but he just turned up with some odd looking brown vegetable thing, nobody knew what it was, so we assumed it was poisonous and that was why he was here! How's about you anyway'?

God replied,'Oh pretty much the same really, a couple of priests, a few nuns, and we had an odd one too, he said he used to make some sort of strong alcoholic drink, so just in case it was OK with everyone, we kept him on with us'!

After a few more chats, the waiter came over to take their order.

Satan looked up with a gleam in his eye and immediately said that he'd like the soup of the day, 'The Nectar of the Gods'!

So God looked up, sighed and said, 'In which case, I'll have 'The Devil's Avocado'!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on October 04, 2021, 10:50
Someone has stolen the toilet from our local police station..

Asked if they had any clues the detective in charge stated "At the moment we have nothing to go on!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on October 07, 2021, 16:39
.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on October 09, 2021, 15:43
I've just watched a documentary about sponges.






It was very absorbing.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Tenhens on October 12, 2021, 18:10
Someone has stolen the toilet from our local police station..

Asked if they had any clues the detective in charge stated "At the moment we have nothing to go on!"

They might have when the paper works done.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on October 18, 2021, 07:27
Late one night a seriously drunk chap is showing some friends around his brand-new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

“What’s that gong for?” a friend asks him.

“It’s not a gong,” the chap replies. “It’s actually a talking clock.”

“You’re crazy. Show me how it works then!” says his chum.

The chap picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering clout, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the blasted morning!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 12, 2021, 17:18
Johnson & Johnson is going to split it's business into two companies.

One will be called Johnson.
And the other will be called Johnson...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Welsh Merf on November 13, 2021, 11:06
Paddy and his new girlfriend are in the car together, on a dark winter's night, down a remote country lane.

The kissing and canoodling starts, and she asks, 'Paddy, do you fancy going on the back seat?'

'No!' he replies quickly, and the kissing and canoodling continues. Soon, the windows begin to steam up, and the girlfriend asks again, this time breathless with anticipation. 'Paddy, do you want to go on the back seat?'

'No!' he replies again. 'Not a chance!'

'Why not?' she asks, her feelings hurt, and not understanding what's going through his mind.

'I want to stay in the front with you,' he replies.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on November 13, 2021, 18:31
'I want to stay in the front with you,' he replies.
Killer!  :D :D :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on November 14, 2021, 17:58
I'm sorry but that brought back a few memories.  ;) As a 'patrolling officer'  I have pushed out a few cars who have 'hidden themselves' and then got stuck.   :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Lardman on November 14, 2021, 18:20
I think Welsh Merf should get extra credit for the use of the word "canoodling".
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on November 16, 2021, 15:12
Mrs Rocket has drunk a glass of invisible ink.

I've taken her to A&E where she's waiting to be seen.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on December 01, 2021, 17:29
Gravity is the most fundamental force in the universe, but...
What would happen if you took it away?





You'd have nothing left except gravy  (http://emoticons.datahamster.com/getmecoat.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 02, 2021, 05:27
With the severity of Storm Arwen last week, I'm really worried about all the trees in our garden!

Mostly because we didn't have any before....
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on December 07, 2021, 17:32
I've got a copy of the 1982 Radio Times if anyone wants to know what's on the BBC this Christmas.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Blackpool rocket on December 13, 2021, 23:26
I went to an Eskimo restaurant last night.
I asked what was on the menu.
"Whale meat, whale meat, or you can try a Vera Lynn"
"What's that?" I asked



"Whale meat again"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 14, 2021, 00:11
Can't resist posting a link to Jim Capaldi's Whale Meat Again (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mz4b9XQC5Lc) - great song.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 15, 2021, 06:01
The John O' Groats football team's coach driver has resigned after their heavy defeat in a friendly away at Land's End.

When asked why, he said he'd taken them as far as he could !
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 15, 2021, 09:34
Groan  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on December 21, 2021, 12:00
What Peppa Pig really looks like...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on December 23, 2021, 11:15
Ah, character design by Picasso!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on December 23, 2021, 12:25
Surely that's by Pigasso!  :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Plot 1 Problems on December 23, 2021, 14:39
Father Christmas has said he's going reduce the number of chimnies he goes down this year as he doesn't want to go down with the flue.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 18, 2022, 18:30
I heard about a new product, Potato Milk. I thought it sounded awful until I discovered Smirnoff.  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 19, 2022, 06:30
I was visiting High Banks garden centre the other day and thought I spotted Michael J. Fox.

I couldn't be totally sure it was him though as he had his back to the Fuschias...
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 21, 2022, 12:23
A flight to Spain had reached altitude when the captain came on..

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We'll be flying at 22,000 feet and the weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth flight. Sit back, relax and .. Oh No!"

An ominous silence followed...

Then the captain came back on..

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry about that. The flight attendant spilt hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!"

A passenger yelled back

"You should see the back of mine!!!!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Subversive_plot on March 17, 2022, 15:54
Happy St. Patrick's Day:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on July 28, 2022, 17:50
A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tyre, and got out to walk for help. After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tyre. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again! Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on July 29, 2022, 13:17
This is a true joke.  When my Mum was alive,  (she lived next door)    she and my husband and I went to my daughters who lives on the other side next to me.     When we arrived and Mum had sat down, my daughter asked her if she would like a drink.  Mum replied, Oh, yes please.   Daughter asked what she would like.
Mum replied, Oh red or white, I don't mind, whatever you've got.       Daughter said, No, Nanna, I meant do you want tea or coffee.   Mum said, No, wine  please.   
She did like her wine, but lived to be 99 years old.   I reckon she was "pickled".       Mrs Bouquet
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: DanielCoffey on August 16, 2022, 10:38
This was posted on the Facebook Historic Photos group in response to a photo of a Welsh bell ringer from Llangollen in 1825.

====

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on August 16, 2022, 10:54
Fabulous, Daniel!

:0)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 16, 2022, 18:14
If you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA.

Unless it's a small electric car, when you have to use the AAA!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 17, 2022, 15:01
If you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA.

Unless it's a small electric car, when you have to use the AAA!

https://youtu.be/3AlndKQSs6Q (https://youtu.be/3AlndKQSs6Q)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on November 17, 2022, 18:17
If you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA.

Unless it's a small electric car, when you have to use the AAA!

https://youtu.be/3AlndKQSs6Q (https://youtu.be/3AlndKQSs6Q)

Ha ha ha, Aunty - just love it!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Subversive_plot on November 29, 2022, 18:59
I recently heard that Sweden elected the former President of Ikea as their new Prime Minister.

Unfortunately, he has been overwhelmed by official duties since the election, as it's been more difficult than he expected to assemble his cabinet.
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 29, 2022, 19:18
I recently heard that Sweden elected the former President of Ikea as their new Prime Minister.

Unfortunately, he has been overwhelmed by official duties since the election, as it's been more difficult than he expected to assemble his cabinet.

I wish I’d known. I would have offered my help.  I’ve had plenty of practice at that.  :wub:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 29, 2022, 19:31
 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 29, 2022, 20:22
But, but, it's not even December yet  ::)  :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Yorkie on November 29, 2022, 21:34
I've still got some in the freezer from last year. Would that count as eating them early, or late?  ::) :lol:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mrs bouquet on November 30, 2022, 12:17
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Aunty, you have made use of the Christmas word   !!!!  Mrs B
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 30, 2022, 17:26
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Aunty, you have made use of the Yule word   !!!!  Mrs B

Oh dear  :ohmy:

Let’s pretend I did it tomorrow  ::)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Subversive_plot on November 30, 2022, 19:41
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Aunty, I guess yule be sorry you posted that cartoon a day early!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on November 30, 2022, 19:56
Put yourself on the naughty step for tonight as that is what you would do to us.  ;)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 30, 2022, 20:50
I’ve got to get the stepladder out and put the decks up tonight  :)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on November 30, 2022, 21:31
You be careful doing that, won't you! Don't want to be visiting the doll's hospital over Christmas  :ohmy: :unsure:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 30, 2022, 23:43
All done, just chipped the paint on my nose with a bit of flying glass.  Worzel will repaint it tomorrow  ???
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on November 30, 2022, 23:45
Oh... I hope he's got the right colour   :(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: wighty on December 01, 2022, 17:06
If you need any colour charts to try and match the colour, let me know and I'll send them over.  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 01, 2022, 21:27
Stupid scarecrow said he thought red would be Christmasy >:(
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: mumofstig on December 01, 2022, 22:28
Don't suggest stripper to put it right, goodness knows what he'd do with suggestion  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 01, 2022, 23:55
I's gona boil his head to go with my Christmas repast  :wacko:
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on December 02, 2022, 09:33
Just had to share this  :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Aunt Sally on December 04, 2022, 12:02
 :D
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: JayG on January 20, 2023, 10:33
Two ornithologists were having a chat:

'Id love to hear a musical arrangement of a blackbird's song.'

'Orchestral?'

'No, just a blackbird.'
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Goosegirl on January 20, 2023, 10:40
Wren will I see another bird joke as clever and funny as this!  :ohmy: ::) 8)
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on January 21, 2023, 06:56
Ha ha ha!

That's so corny, I'm amaized!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on February 14, 2023, 06:39
(Just for today).

I was looking for a bit of advice for a 'friend...

"What's the best number of Roses to give a loved one for Valentine's Day", I asked him,

"A single?  6?  12?  24"?

"Or has it got to be the whole tin"?
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: John on February 14, 2023, 09:40
My cat sent a valentine.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There in the tray,
A poo just for you.

Welcome to my world!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Growster... on April 11, 2023, 08:15
I went to an Easter Weekend car boot sale yesterday morning, but stupidly parked the wrong way round...

Got £50 for my engine though!
Title: Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
Post by: Subversive_plot on May 05, 2023, 19:10
Speed limit strictly enforced.