[ryetek]

Good'un 

I like it too although it was sent to me by my boss and is taking the mick out of me. 

[John]

The power of words, heh?  

[ryetek]

The power of words, heh?  

Indeed! 

[allot2learn]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting, and worked on his allotment and played golf a lot and drank beer and whisky and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and broke wind whenever he wanted. The end 

[allot2learn]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

[dugless]

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting, and worked on his allotment and played golf a lot and drank beer and whisky and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and broke wind whenever he wanted. The end 

That is no Joke, more a reality

[dugless]

 
 
 
 
Murphy applied for a job at an Irish brewery.  A Pole applied for the same job,  and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test.

Both men scored 19 out of 20.

The manager said to Murphy, ‘Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the job to the Polish chap.’

Murphy asked, ‘And why would ya be doin’ dat?  We both scored 19 outa 20.  Dis bein’ Ireland and me bein’ Irish means I should get de the job.’

The manager replied, ‘We made our decision based on the answers you got wrong.’

Murphy said, ‘And how can one wrong answer be better dan anudder?’
 
The manager answered, ‘On question 7 the Pole wrote “I don't know,” and you wrote, “Neither do I”.’
 
 
 
 

[Lawrence]

I just heard that B&Q have got implicated in the meat scandal.
Apparently their flooring has got lamb in it.

[juliec]

We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.

We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid cow was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her bum with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat bum downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!

..............She'd better not poo in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

[John]

Brilliant 

[New shoot]

This is a bit saucy, but made me laugh

Boy goes to dad and asks for help with his english homework.

'What's the difference between theory and reality dad?'

His dad says 'Go ask your mum if she would sleep with a man who offered her a million pounds son'

The boy comes back and says 'She thought about it and said yes she probably would dad'

'OK' says the dad, 'go ask your sister the same question'

The boy comes back and says 'She said no for a million, but yes if it was two million dad'

'OK' says the dad, 'go ask your older brother the same question'

The boy comes back and says 'He said for a million, he would do it dad'

'Right' says the dad, 'son in theory we could be four million quid up here as a family, in reality we live with two sluts and a pervert'

[mumofstig]

 

[allot2learn]

The two British cooks at the Vatican upset the new Pope this morning, his first day in office. All Tina Smith and Marge Brown asked was, "Does the Pope want a Full English for breakfast?"
Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation, the new Pope was reported to have replied, quite tersely - "Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."......

[Welsh Merf]

Paddy and his gang put in a quote to the telephone company to go around setting up wooden telegraph poles. However, a bid was also put in by another gang. So, it was decided to put both teams on a trial for a week.

At the end of the week the Manager got the two team leaders together and asked them how they got on.

It turned out that Paddy's team only managed to erect two poles that week, whereby the opposition team erected sixteen.

"But the other team cheated," said Paddy.

"How do you mean?" asked the Manager.

"Well, have you seen how much of the ploes they've left sticking out of the ground?" replied Paddy.

[Sparkyrog]

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