[pigeonpie]

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD -at the doctor
BFF -best friend fell
BTW -bring the wheelchair
BYOT -bring your own teeth
FWIW -forgot where I was
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA -got heartburn again
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out
OMMR -on my massage recliner
ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
TTYL -talk to you louder

[arugula]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and turning to the blonde, asked 'How on Earth did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...



 

 

[whiskywill]

Just like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London.
 
Mainly I suppose because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.


 

 
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.



They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't.
I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.



If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?



These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.


I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads, and in any weather, holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

[nipper31]

Apologies in advance... 

My friend Seamus was stopped by customs at the airport carrying two large, bulky sacks over his shoulder. They search the sacks and find loads and loads of mobile phones in them. The customs officer asked why he had all these phones and Seamus replied:

"Well, oi was on me holidays in Americky when oi get a call from me brother Paddy in Cork. He told me he was startin' up a jazz band and would oi bring him back two saxaphones".

I'll get me coat...

[Jamie Butterworth]

A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local school's pool..... I went away and came back with a cup of water.

When I was young I prayed for a bike. Then I realised God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness instead...............................

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away.......... And you have their shoes...........

[JayG]

Amazing facts about the human body:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.   

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
.
.
.
.
Women: will be finished reading this by now. 

Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.


(So, which of you men are in a state of denial then?) 

[hamstergbert]

Women stop after 'It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach' shaking their heads sadly and then going on and on and flaming well on for hours about how said food then takes the next ten minutes to get from your stomach onto your hips and then six months solid dieting to get it off again...


Twice the length of thumbs?  If only.......   Ah, those were the days.

[Old Tom]

Yes, i`ve got very small thumbs too!

[stompy]

My thumbs have always been freakishly long    

[hillfooter]

My thumbs have always been freakishly long    

That's because you keep twiggling them all the time

HF

[stompy]

What, my thumb?   

[GTFC197]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive.  The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the
car, and hurried inside to retrieve her
glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card."

[Trillium]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

[dugless]

 

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
So you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
And his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[Raven81]

Not a joke but this was funny - I saw my OH collecting the hens eggs today, I asked him why he put them straight in his pocket, and he said "so they don't see its me taking them and hate me as they'll be really cross"