[Aunt Sally]

 

[Blackpool rocket]

It's nice to be appreciated!

Have another;

A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I approached the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying . He's never been out of the back garden!

[John]

Good one! I didn't see it coming 

[hamstergbert]

That fellow's dog wasn't really a talking dog at all.
His cat was a ventriloquist.

[Goosegirl]

A previously unknown fact about the Battle of Hastings. In order to keep as many men in fighting order they had specially-trained medics on the field. When King Harold was hit in the eye by an arrow they immediately rushed up to him and said .... "Keep blinking, H, it'll work its way out. Have you tried pulling your eyelid down?"
Courtesy of Ken Dodd! 

[Growster...]

A previously unknown fact about the Battle of Hastings. In order to keep as many men in fighting order they had specially-trained medics on the field. When King Harold was hit in the eye by an arrow they immediately rushed up to him and said .... "Keep blinking, H, it'll work its way out. Have you tried pulling your eyelid down?"
Courtesy of Ken Dodd! 

Ha ha ha, Goosey!

By coincidence, I'm going to Battle Abbey tomorrow to meet the school people, so I'll include this little anecdote just a few seconds before they throw me out..;0)

[Blackpool rocket]

One of the last things Harold said;

"You want to watch out for that bloke over there, he's going to have someone's eye out in a minute"

[8doubles]

Before scissors they used to say "Don't run with arrows".

[Goosegirl]

One of the last things Harold said;

"You want to watch out for that bloke over there, he's going to have someone's eye out in a minute"

He was obviously a Health and Safety advisor who should have been aware of this possibility. As you well know, the financial cutbacks at that time, such as the reduction of the fletchers' hourly rates so their targets couldn't be guaranteed, the 14th October wasn't the best time to pluck feathers even from a pheasant, the clocks were due to be turned back thus shortening the daylight by an hour so anyone with less than 20:20 vision was severely impaired, and the only protective equipment they had not been beta-tested before use. I'd love to see his Risk Assessment!!!

[hamstergbert]

Tried a different pub last week.  I'm not saying it was rough, but the first question in the pub quiz was "Who are you looking at?"

[John]

Tried a different pub last week.  I'm not saying it was rough, but the first question in the pub quiz was "Who are you looking at?"

There was a pub near where I worked once where I was warned to avoid eye-contact and not stare at anyone - that included the stripper! I decided I could forego the pleasure 

[rogerbodger]

Cheltenham tip of the day .... Lunch Hour 12/1

[Blackpool rocket]

Tried a different pub last week.  I'm not saying it was rough, but the first question in the pub quiz was "Who are you looking at?"

There was a pub near where I worked once where I was warned to avoid eye-contact and not stare at anyone - that included the stripper! I decided I could forego the pleasure 

When I worked in Manchester & Oldham for about a year, this was back in the early 80s, I was told to be careful about going out on a Friday & Saturday night & try not to open my mouth, because I'm from dahn sarf.
Fortunately the business I was in dictated I was always working in the evenings

Back to the laughs.....

Someone has described one of our "leading" politicians as "having the intellectual dexterity of a cinamon whirl" 

Br.

[Blackpool rocket]

Cheltenham tip of the day .... Lunch Hour 12/1

You almost had me looking that up

[rosiecider]

I bought two racing snails the other day.

They go pretty fast but I thought if I streamlined them they could go faster.

So I took off their shells but not they’re just sluggish!!