The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3825 on: September 12, 2019, 12:02 »
My genius grandson has solved the mystery of the dinosaurs - and he's only 6 years old.

It wasn't volcanoes. It wasn't an asteroid. Someone put yellow labels on them. Then Grandma  bought them all and Granddad ate them all.

Oh dear!  :nowink:
Check out our books - ideal presents

John and Val Harrison's Books
 

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3826 on: September 12, 2019, 21:30 »
The kid's a genius but... how old does he think you are???

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3827 on: September 12, 2019, 22:56 »
The kid's a genius but... how old does he think you are???
Older than the dinosaurs, apparently! Maybe 20 years old.. Being serious, I think he knew it was a joke, so maybe he'll have a career in stand up.

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3828 on: September 15, 2019, 00:36 »
Weird Greenhouse Instructions
From Eden Greenhouses Burford ..
Quote
If you are siting your greenhouse on earth, please refer to the dimensions given in section 0 Foundation.
Strangely there are no instructions for Mars or even the Moon!

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3829 on: September 16, 2019, 18:40 »
Weird Greenhouse Instructions
From Eden Greenhouses Burford ..
Quote
If you are siting your greenhouse on earth, please refer to the dimensions given in section 0 Foundation.
Strangely there are no instructions for Mars or even the Moon!

Ha ha ha!

Of course, you'd be OK on Venus as they're all green there, or so my Eagle comic from 1957 tells me...

;0)

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3830 on: September 16, 2019, 20:34 »

Of course, you'd be OK on Venus as they're all green there, or so my Eagle comic from 1957 tells me...

;0)

But the Mekon might get me!  ::)

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John

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3831 on: October 04, 2019, 11:17 »
Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shake from side to side to all the men?”

Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

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mrs bouquet

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3832 on: October 07, 2019, 16:55 »
I am bored and fed-up with my life.   So I have got a camper van, and I am going away touring until my money runs out.
I shall probably be back about 10 pm.     :lol:   Mrs Bouquet

Told to me by 10 year old grandson  8)
Birds in cages do not sing  -  They are crying.

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rogerbodger

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3833 on: October 10, 2019, 19:24 »
I visited the zoo earlier and saw what looked like a baguette in one of the enclosures. A bit puzzled I asked a member of staff what it was ... he said it was bread in captivity

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3834 on: October 18, 2019, 11:41 »
Mrs Growster and I had a big fight last evening; she accused me of being gullible and financially irresponsible!

Just wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian Lottery!

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DanielCoffey

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3835 on: October 18, 2019, 21:34 »
You can take her on holiday to the Benin Republic when you go to collect your pre-paid Visa card too!

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3836 on: February 05, 2020, 17:32 »
Heard this on Antiques Road Trip.
 
A man goes to see his doctor .
" Doc , I think I'm addicted to twitter "
" I don't follow "  he replies
we also rescue rabbits and guinea pigs, grow own veg

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3837 on: February 05, 2020, 21:06 »
Well posted Tenhens, almost forgot about this thread.  :ohmy:

Couple more:

Doctor, I need an urgent appointment - I think I'm shrinking.
Sorry sir, you'll have to be a little patient.

This is a favourite, but not sure anyone under 60 would get it nowadays:

Doctor doctor! I think I've got hermes.
Don't you mean herpes, sir?
No, I'm a carrier.
Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

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Tenhens

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3838 on: February 06, 2020, 19:25 »
Well posted Tenhens, almost forgot about this thread.  :ohmy:

Couple more:

Doctor, I need an urgent appointment - I think I'm shrinking.
Sorry sir, you'll have to be a little patient.
 
This is a favourite, but not sure anyone under 60 would get it nowadays:

Doctor doctor! I think I've got hermes.
Don't you mean herpes, sir?
No, I'm a carrier.

'Give us a Laugh! '  must have gone into hibernation :lol: :lol:
I'm under 60 and the hermes gag made me chuckle. 

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Growster...

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #3839 on: February 07, 2020, 06:32 »
An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?

'Because this car can do up to 320 kilometres an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right.. But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 kph.  Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.  He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'C-c-could you p-p-please un-un-unhook my b-b-b-blasted b-b-b-braces from your b-b-b-blasted wing mirror'!



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