Allotment Gardening Advice Help Chat
Growing => Grow Your Own => Topic started by: Growster... on July 15, 2017, 17:54
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'Lurkers' are those runner beans which grow right at the bottom of the plant, near the soil (and the weeds)!
They grow quickly, hide under broad-leaf weeds, and are never seen until it's too late! The plant gets the hump, decides that nobody wants its crop half-way up the pole and slows down or stops...
Yields are hugely diminished by 'lurkers', and there's only one way to find them, and that is to lie down next to the plants, call out to them, even 'furtle' the greenery, and sure enough you'll find them!
Two days ago, I found just one; today I found FOUR, and that would have meant an awful lot of beans further down the line!
So lie down, think of England, and tackle your 'lurkers' before it's too late...;0)
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
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:nowink:
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Do you furtle for them?
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Lie down and talk to your beans??? If you ask me Growster it is already too late, you have completely lost it.
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:lol: :lol: :lol:, you're bonkers :lol:
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He he he love it :D totally spot on too. A furtle a day keeps the lurkers away :lol:
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Considering the consequences of losing so many beans, (here, it would be a serious look from Mrs Growster, which contains enough consequences to last until the winter), it's not rocket science to get to the root of the problem!
We grow about sixty beans in one row, so losing the potential crop from five plants means a loss of about 8%, which is not acceptable in my book, especially as a furtle for lurkers is a simple operation, and takes only a few minutes!
Why not organise a group Lurkerfest on allotments? Everyone appears, with a plastic sheet to lie on, or maybe even a camp bed, and is supplied with a Lurkerlamp, specially designed for the process! (These are available for £350.00 + vat from Growsterlurks Inc), and there is a prize for the number of lurkers discovered. Lurkerlamps will also work up to an hour after darkness, so that means they can be used for nearly twenty hours a day; more than enough to hoik out lurkers after the initial furtle!
I don't really know why I give all this advice for free - there's many a gardener who would pay a lot of cash for such information, but being an amiable old chap, I'll not charge a single penny...
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You are so right Growster,
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and is supplied with a Lurkerlamp, specially designed for the process! (These are available for £350.00 + vat from Growsterlurks Inc) ...
... I don't really know why I give all this advice for free - there's many a gardener who would pay a lot of cash for such information, but being an amiable old chap, I'll not charge a single penny...
Aha! A sneaky plan to flood the market with Lurkerlamps before the competition realise the opportunity is there for a product we didn't even know we all needed :ohmy:
Surely a commercial mastermind at work, or perhaps just a chancer, or maybe you are just bonkers after all :lol:
By the way, does Growsterlurks have a product to aid furtling for courgettes and cucumbers. Its my own fault. I've put loads of these and squash into an area on the plot and now its a mass of waving tendrils and foliage. I was thinking of a light mounted on the end of a furtling stick. A cutting blade and catch net would be nice as well :)
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Might be easier to pick off the lower flowers before they set, as red is easier to spot than green beans on green leaves. That is if you are not colour blind and can remember to do it next year.
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"By the way, does Growsterlurks have a product to aid furtling for courgettes and cucumbers. Its my own fault. I've put loads of these and squash into an area on the plot and now its a mass of waving tendrils and foliage. I was thinking of a light mounted on the end of a furtling stick. A cutting blade and catch net would be nice as well"
News, there is an extendable version known as a Growsterlop, which is used to cut wistaria etc from the ground, obviating the need for a ladder. (Growstersteps went into liquidation last year, or was it just liquid - the memory fades after a few months)...
Anyway, a stainless steel Growsterlop, with integral LED bulb and 3" blade would be perfect for your needs! In fact, I have one right here, price £375.00 plus vat, if you'd like one. I can send it second-class post for self assembly too if you like! (Batteries not included - needs 400 AAA Eveready in a back pack)!
A second-hand Growsternet for cucurbits sold on Ebay recently for £200.00, so keep an eye out for one, otherwise, a new one will set you back £275.00 plus SET).
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I've hired some local Ghurkas
To furtle for my lurkers
They're men of solid mettle
And fear not dock or nettle
For they have served HM The Queen
And fear no errant runner bean....
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I've hired some local Ghurkas
To furtle for my lurkers
They're men of solid mettle
And fear not dock or nettle
For they have served HM The Queen
And fear no errant runner bean....
Poetry will get you anywhere, Juvenal!
Have a 10% discount on all Growster products - offer expires at 20:00 16th July 2017...
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I've hired some local Ghurkas
To furtle for my lurkers
They're men of solid mettle
And fear not dock or nettle
For they have served HM The Queen
And fear no errant runner bean....
Poetry will get you anywhere, Juvenal!
Have a 10% discount on all Growster products - offer expires at 20:00 16th July 2017...
Oh no! I have missed the special offer.... but on the other hand, there are helpful Gurkhas a-plenty on our site. Or of course I can do the job myself!
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Paroxysms of laughter on reading this . :lol: :lol: :lol:
Just the thing to brighten up this grey day!
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Give the plant a shake , a lurker will give itself away by still swinging when the rest has stopped ! ;)
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thought you meant these Lurkers at first
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZKWffik1FE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZKWffik1FE)
Only Lurkers I ever knew ;)
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Give the plant a shake , a lurker will give itself away by still swinging when the rest has stopped ! ;)
Eight, I never would have thought of that, so the 10% discount on all Growster products is yours for the taking! (the offer expires at 20:00 hrs 20th July 2017...
I even found another lurker yesterday, and it was definitely not on the Growsteradar a few days ago!
I must lie down a bit more methinks...
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thought you meant these Lurkers at first
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZKWffik1FE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZKWffik1FE)
Only Lurkers I ever knew ;)
Aidy, a lovely chum near here was a real punk fanatic, so I'll forward her the link if I may!
Thank you for that, my hearing will probably return to normal in a week or so...
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Paroxysms of laughter on reading this . :lol: :lol: :lol:
Just the thing to brighten up this grey day!
Vietta, while not wishing to 'bump' the post up again, I have just discovered another strain of lurker.
Everybody knows that courgettes have lurkers which grow into marrows at the drop of a hat, but I've never realised that once a plethora of lurkers takes over, the plant does the same as the beans, gets the hump, and only produces male flowers!
I actually want some courgettes this weekend to give to a daught, and there's only one coming along - all the other flowers are male!
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I found a lurker this morning, tucked behind the edge of the raised bed in the polytunnel.. a Diva cucumber. It was only the expected 8-9 ins long, but weighed 775g 😨😨😨
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Growsterlurks?? :wacko: Growsterlarks is more like it. I bought three items from him such as the Growsterlop (I sent it back because everything went lop-sided), the Growsternet (it had more holes in it than an expert fisherman could mend, and the Growstersteps (using them felt like doing Strictly Come Dancing in clogs because my little legs wouldn't lift high enough to get to the next step) and the cheapskate still hasn't refunded me!
Would you pay out all that hard-earned wonga for something you could easily make yourself with a little help from a friend? No, and neither would I. All you need are some bamboo canes, aluminium foil, sticky-back plastic (any colour as long as it's black), insulting tape (any colour as long as it's not pink) and some solar-operated lights. Ah, I nearly forgot, this equipment is patented so the instructions as to how it's constructed, used, and the Health and Safety aspects are only available from Goosers Ink, but the charges are very reasonable especially if you include the annual updates. Also available are some rather nice garden gnomes equipped with wind-up operated lights along with moving fishing rods which can be placed around the beans thus providing not only illumination but a means of catching the said hiding vegetables and all at a cost of a few nights out! What more could you want!
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As a tester of the Growsterlurks Lurkermat, I am now out of my Non Disclosure Agreement. I can happily report that the 4-foot by 1-foot black poly-ethylene Lurkermat is a very effective product and a snip at £99 each (or £299 for three).
Any negative reviews claiming that they are "merely a black bin bag from Poundland cut in half" have been attributed to one unhappy customer who bought a counterfeit product. Make sure to only buy Original Growsterlurks merchandise!
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As a tester for the sublime (or should that be supine) Growster and, on reading your post in depth, you must have had some personal remuneration such as a case of home-made alcoholic beverage. Am I right? If so, for God's sake don't even think about opening it unless you are very, very brave! :blush: I tried some once and my brain has never been the same since. While I was in intensive care, I decided to form Goosers Ink in order to combat charlatans like him who make enormous profits from people like you; hence (and this is almost on the production line) I am happy to personally announce the forthcoming Goosers Wing-Mat (Model 1) which operates on the principle of a hovercraft to make it easier to pick lower down without the hassle of lugging it about (bicycle pump not included). I'm now in the process of formulating the Model 2 version that includes a built-in massager to alleviate those aches and pains we gardeners often get. Non-rechargeable batteries included but the Goosers herbal bath oil is extra and non-refundable if you don't use it properly as per instructions which can be downloaded via my Website when I've set it up and running!
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Goosey, I've never actually downloaded anything like Gooseoil, and wonder why I am so backward in coming forward! Growsterlarks are for the professional, as I'd have hoped you would have understood, but for the sake of complacency, I'll degrade!
How do you do it? Is it some sort of tap on the PC or screen, which just 'turns on' a dollop of the material, or something? Please alleviate...
However, the WingMat strikes a chord; probably in B Flat, but exponents of Schoenberg may differ, and perhaps a short blast of Jenkins might help the streams of tenor...
I'd suggest that we campaign for rechargeable Wingmats on every allotment in the UK, at a suitable rent of course, and that the sedentary position should be realigned to suit LurkerSearch, which is necessary on so many vegetable plants at this time of year!
Daniel, I now come to your suggestion, having exhausted Goosey's fantasies!
You are welcome to join in a venture, where we purchase several pieces of black plastic from a subsidiary, Growsterplas, and at a considerable discount! (Goosey knows about this firm, but chooses to stay very, very quiet where black plastic is concerned..;0)
We need to talk very soon, preferably before Goosey gets legal, and writs abound...;0)
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I knew I should have left my break
‘til later in the season.
Courgettes – when unattended –
Expand beyond all reason
This morning I stood still, in shock
Then yelled for help and a barrow,
I’d missed a six inch lurker -
And come back to a four foot marrow!
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Ha ha ha, Juvenal, love it!
Gotta be the next competition...
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Mangetoutes are the new lurker crop. Forget about marrows....we have an 8" pod that looks like a whale fluke.
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Mangetoutes are the new lurker crop. Forget about marrows....we have an 8" pod that looks like a whale fluke.
Ha ha ha!
Vietta, I'm struggling to think what a whale fluke could look like...
Do you mean one of those 'orrible things which swim up -er - (comment moderated by Mrs Growster), or just that it's the size of a whale...?
We used to grow mangetout, and always forgot them, so perhaps we just made a trout-fluke, maybe a sardine-fluke but never a whale one!
Lurkers are a sign of the time of year, I found two more runner bean ones the other day, and they went straight in the bin!
But, as Sunny says, some French beans just have to turn into lurkers, as it's the seed you need to dry and keep for the winter! We've been noshing them like runners, and feeling a bit smug - and fat into the bargain, until we learned where we were going wrong...:0[
(But the 'Cherokee Trail of Tears' beans are to die for - the best and sweetest we've ever grown, and definitely on the list for next year)! Thanks yet again Sunny!
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Love this, have fond memories of eldest son, now 39, crawling along the ground at my dads allotment. That and watering the compost heap were his two favourite activites.
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Having been (ha - no pun intended) scrubbing all day, I need a few tinctures to respond to the main part of your post, but noticed the reference to the Cherokee beans. As they appear to be a climbing variety, do they need a wigwam support? :lol:
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Having been (ha - no pun intended) scrubbing all day, I need a few tinctures to respond to the main part of your post, but noticed the reference to the Cherokee beans. As they appear to be a climbing variety, do they need a wigwam support? :lol:
Tee hee' tee peeee...;0)
Have reserved a camp fire for two, Goosey, please can you wear your best feathered head dress...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI4HYVIvuJE (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI4HYVIvuJE)
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Growser, I must hold you responsible for the much do do I am now in.
After reading your opening post I decided to go up the plot and furtle out as many errant lurkers that I could find.
Upon my departure the one who believes she is obeyed asked me what my intentions were.
I am going to furtle out my lurkers my sweet wart encrusted one I replied.
Thats ok then she replied. We have plenty of everything else and I am sick of blanching beans up to the point that if you bring home more bags of the things. I will use them on you as a supository.
Thus I arrived at the plot and began to furtle.
Unfortunatly I furtled a little bit too well up to the point of If a bean looked as if it was going to metamorph into a lurker in the next few days.... Into the bag it went.(well into one of threre bags to tell the truth)
TWO blooming HOURS GROWSTER. Two whole hours it took me to remove the said furtled lurkers from a certain orofice and I am now hiding down my shed as she still has a bag full waiting.
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Aw shedmeister! Growster seems to have an uneasy knack of putting people into difficult positions doesn't he. I'm so sorry about your present predicament and hope you managed to get a bit of sleep last night on the old potato sacks in your shed. Anyway, I have some happy news! Whilst I was ensconced in my little laboratory last night, I had a light-bulb moment when Tippex-ing out a slight mathematical error. No - nothing to do with Frankenstein but it may solve the problem of our lurker beans. Using bits of left-over foam insulation, some empty biro cases, rubber sealant, strips of sticky-back plastic and, filled with my secret formula (available in glo-white only) I have created the "Gooser Wonder Pen." As your beans grow and before they even have the chance to think of lurking, you go along the rows and apply it to the bottom of the beans. Later on, all you need to do is look for anything with a white tip and cut it off. It is guaranteed to be rain-proof, harmless to humans and, for those who harvest at night-time, it also glows in the dark. I expect orders to flood in so please reserve yours now!!! The cost? Surely that's immaterial as it will save you from having to endure more colonic irrigations. If you turn your nose up at this (my pen not the colonic bit) then I just have one thing to say. GROW PURPLE BEANS!
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Aw shedmeister! Growster seems to have an uneasy knack of putting people into difficult positions doesn't he. I'm so sorry about your present predicament and hope you managed to get a bit of sleep last night on the old potato sacks in your shed. Anyway, I have some happy news! Whilst I was ensconced in my little laboratory last night, I had a light-bulb moment when Tippex-ing out a slight mathematical error. No - nothing to do with Frankenstein but it may solve the problem of our lurker beans. Using bits of left-over foam insulation, some empty biro cases, rubber sealant, strips of sticky-back plastic and, filled with my secret formula (available in glo-white only) I have created the "Gooser Wonder Pen." As your beans grow and before they even have the chance to think of lurking, you go along the rows and apply it to the bottom of the beans. Later on, all you need to do is look for anything with a white tip and cut it off. It is guaranteed to be rain-proof, harmless to humans and, for those who harvest at night-time, it also glows in the dark. I expect orders to flood in so please reserve yours now!!! The cost? Surely that's immaterial as it will save you from having to endure more colonic irrigations. If you turn your nose up at this (my pen not the colonic bit) then I just have one thing to say. GROW PURPLE BEANS!
I do apoologise but I will have to forgo your offer of the said contraption as I did indeed grow purple beans of the teepee variety (headdress NOT included) Not only that. the sacks that I rested my weary head on last night had in fact been last used to bring my shallots home in hence why I now smell of odure de shallot. A Fragrence that to say the least makes the humble allotmenteer stand out from your common all round gardener.
I have applyed for the copyright on this fragrence and I hope to have many orders for it in time for the turkey scoffing period.
Perhaps something may come good from furgling (sorry Norfolk for fertling) for lurkers after all.
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Oh well, it was worth a try especially as you could have had it on special discount. No matter - I'm sure I will have enough orders coming in to sashay off to the South of France with Angela Snow (ask Growster for more info on her ;)). May I humbly suggest a name for your l'eau de échalote? I was thinking of "Madame du Camelot" and, if you decide to expand the range for men as well, how about "Sir Lanceshalott"? By the way, my Wonder Pen is NOT a contraption! It is a "thing of beauty and a joy forever," carefully assembled by my own fair
wings hands then subjected to rigorous tests, unlike the Growster products. I'm waiting for him to come up with something sensible but I'm not holding my breath! :unsure:
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Not the parasite although its flat shape is very similar....half of the flat bit of a whale's tail which is a sort of rounded triangle and really isn't too apt a description of that pea....more a rounded whale fin?
I'm just burbling now..... ???
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Shedders, your insertions have a particular 'ring' to them...
For God's sake don't tell Goosey, as she was a ringer once, probably on the fourth bell, but her calls were indistinguishable from the correct version of a true Grandsire Triples, so where she ended up, is anyone's guess!
(Am I on the right track here, or have I missed something..;0)
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Oh well, it was worth a try especially as you could have had it on special discount. No matter - I'm sure I will have enough orders coming in to sashay off to the South of France with Angela Snow (ask Growster for more info on her ;)). May I humbly suggest a name for your l'eau de échalote? I was thinking of "Madame du Camelot" and, if you decide to expand the range for men as well, how about "Sir Lanceshalott"? By the way, my Wonder Pen is NOT a contraption! It is a "thing of beauty and a joy forever," carefully assembled by my own fair wings hands then subjected to rigorous tests, unlike the Growster products. I'm waiting for him to come up with something sensible but I'm not holding my breath! :unsure:
I recently saw a pastel drawing of Angela Snow, and the drooling continued well into the small hours...
Eau d'onion is a well-know arthurdizzyack, and he should know, so perhaps a visit to the shed hasn't done anyone much harm has it! Is there a Yale lock available? Growsterlocks do a good discount on such ornaments! In fact I have several right here, Shedders and Goosey and Vietta, just in case a party beckons! £150.00 the lot, plus VAT!
(True story, when Mrs Growster (before she was an actual Mrs) and I were on hols in Italy with several chums back in the early seventies, we were idly checking out the drinks menu in a bar and also the various snacks available. We all knew very little Italian, and assumed that a packet of crunchy comestibles called 'Noino', were a local delicacy and needed investigation, especially with pints of whatever Barbera red wine we could grasp. Of course, it takes even more wine to turn the packet the right way up...;0)
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Shedders, your insertions have a particular 'ring' to them...
For God's sake don't tell Goosey, as she was a ringer once, probably on the fourth bell, but her calls were indistinguishable from the correct version of a true Grandsire Triples, so where she ended up, is anyone's guess!
(Am I on the right track here, or have I missed something..;0)
You could be correct there Growster. One does have a slight hankering for fish to acompany his king edwards
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Not the parasite although its flat shape is very similar....half of the flat bit of a whale's tail which is a sort of rounded triangle and really isn't too apt a description of that pea....more a rounded whale fin?
I'm just burbling now..... ???
Burbling is a requirement around here at this time of night, Vietta! In fact, if it doesn't happen, one of us is asleep!
Those peas are possibly asparagus peas which are hard, gnarled little items which taste rather like a boiled 13 amp plug, only with less colour...
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Its all growing without a care
Lurkers, lurkers everywhere
Oh good grief, what's to be done
This is war the veg have won :ohmy:
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True story, when Mrs Growster (before she was an actual Mrs) and I were on hols in Italy with several chums back in the early seventies, we were idly checking out the drinks menu in a bar and also the various snacks available. We all knew very little Italian, and assumed that a packet of crunchy comestibles called 'Noino', were a local delicacy and needed investigation, especially with pints of whatever Barbera red wine we could grasp. Of course, it takes even more wine to turn the packet the right way up...;0)
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Whilst putting your lippy on, If you'd just looked at the packet via the mirror...?
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Lurkers aren't a problem when you have thousands of flowers already. In fact I'm needing to hire a few lurkers in to calm my whole bean project down this year.
Any recycled lurkers for sale that can be grafted on to my runaways ?
I've also got a worrying list leeward since the last big blow. Any niche market products for that ? :)
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Lurkers aren't a problem when you have thousands of flowers already. In fact I'm needing to hire a few lurkers in to calm my whole bean project down this year.
Any recycled lurkers for sale that can be grafted on to my runaways ?
I've also got a worrying list leeward since the last big blow. Any niche market products for that ? :)
I suppose I could email you some, Victoria!
Do you have a 3D printer?
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Its all growing without a care
Lurkers, lurkers everywhere
Oh good grief, what's to be done
This is war the veg have won :ohmy:
Calm down, calm down...
Sgt Wilson, lock the doors. Corporal Jones, stop panicking, and Pike... PIKE - take that thumb out of your mouth, you stupid boy!
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Its OK you saying that Mr G, but maybe those who are not panicking just don't realise the seriousness of the situation :unsure:
Plot visit tomorrow so who knows what is lurking in wait for me :ohmy:
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Rumour has it that a lurker did sneak into the harvesting bag yesterday at the plot. He's around somewhere, but keeping a low profile.
Let me know if you spot him :ohmy:
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I always wondered what happened to Despicable Dan, News!
He's obviously the smaller one hiding behind the bloke with the two black eyes! A Lurker in anyone's book that one!
(Don't tell DD, he'll go berserk)!
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And don't get me started on cucumber lurkers.......I've had a bumper year but there's always at least one of them that ends up being a zeppelin or in the case of the "small" whites which are round......a planet.
Well....maybe a slight exaggeration.....(tee hee)
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We had a whole truss of tomato lurkers, Vietta!
They got behind a fixed cane in the greenhouse, swelled as a gang, and broke the glass at the top!
I had a few spare tom plants left over as well, and rather than chuck them, we planted them next to the manure heap.
I've never ever seen so many side-shoots appear so quickly - many of them are bigger than the main stem, and I only left them for a few days - well, a week or so perhaps...
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VP - if it's for your beans, I thoroughly recommend Gooser's "Propa-props" which have been tried and tested to withstand Force 9 gales (no laughter please). They are made from rust-resistant material and are guaranteed to last a life-time, the terms of which are fully explained in the accompanying disclaimer. Although the print is rather small, those with good eyesight will no doubt get the gist.
If it's regarding your leeward list after the last blow, try to avoid alcohol and play your pipes windward! :lol: