[hamstergbert]

Which composer has a name that sounds like the noise a dog makes?
Ah, that must be Bach?
No, Woofgang Amadeus Mozart.....

'ere, your poodle has just killed my rotweiler!
You cannot be serious.
It did - got stuck in it's throat!

[rogerbodger]

My dog can't dance ..... he's got two left feet

[DANNY]

A new building site was just starting off and the site forman needed men to do the donkey work ie non tradesmen,
As the site forman was looking out of his office window a ROLLS/ROYCE pulls up and this big man gets out and ask if the jobs we're still on offer for labour work?

Yes replied the site forman.

Can i have the job then "asked the big man???"

Ok then get that shovel and start to move that 3 ton of sand into the dumper truck and take it over to the cement mixer and when you've moved that 3 ton you can start on the 10 ton of chippings.

(THINKING THIS BIG MAN WOULD RUN A MILE) the site forman was amazed when come the end of the week this Rolls/royce driver was still working hard, a good time keeper and no trouble at all.

Friday afternoon came and all the site workers stood in a line to recieve the wage packets for the weeks work,
The site agent said to the ROLLS/ROYCE driver as he gave him his wages '
I dont understand you, i earn three times what you've just been paid and yet i cant afford to own a ROLLS/ROYCE
Whats your secrect then??

Well replied the Rolls:royce owner, Im a very good gambler, i'll bet on anything and i never loose.

Oh really said the site forman, like what do you bet on ,?
Well i bet £10 i can tell you your actual weight right down to the very last ounce without lifting you up. !!!!!!

Ok then I'll take you up on that one, here's my £10, Now you did say to the last ounce didnt you?

Yes replied the Rolls owner.
By now everyone on the site had gathered round to see what was going to happen next!!!!!!

Well come on whats my weight then "asked the forman?

Oh you'll have to drop your trousers so i can guess your weight correctly replied the rolls owner.

The forman drops his trousers and the rolls owner gets a spade and puts it under the formans private parts and then says 12 stone 3 ounces.

No no your wrong replied then forman im 16 stone 6 ounces "you've lost this bet and im £10 better off,
you didnt make any money on this bet did you "Mr Rolls Royce driver".

Oh yes i did replied the Rolls Royce owner, "I bet every single person on this site £20 Each  i'd have your balls on a spade by friday afternoon.

[DanielCoffey]

Ah, just like the old "Bankers Bet" story from TES2 Daggerfall.

http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Daggerfall:Banker's_Bet

EDIT : It seems the forum can't handle the apostrophe when it passes you out to the uesp.net site - you will see an ampersand and some numbers instead of the apostrophe so you will have to correct the url.

[DANNY]

Mummy Mummy,
I hate my sisters guts,

Mums reply,
Well push them to one side and eat the pea's.

[rogerbodger]

People mock me about my obsession with levitation but I try to rise above it.

[DANNY]

A young girl was enjoying her 6 week school holiday break when a friend ask her if she'd like to work in her mums DIY shop for a few weeks,
Well the girls had been shown how to deal with customers just pre the first day of the girls "new job"

Now i'll deal with the first customer just as ive just shown you "Said the girls mother"
Now you two pay attention,

Just then the shops bell rang out and the first customer of the day walked in ( It was the new girls mother come to show support to her daughter)

Both girls pretended to be busy putting away rolls of  wall paper under the counter,

Can i help you madam!!! (the shop owner asked)

Oh i hope so ive decided to fit a "dill doll rail all around our lounge walls"

Both girls faded away in fits of giggles as they slipped behind the counter

I think you mean these rather splendid "DYE DOE RAILS" was the reply given by the shop owner,

(some mothers do have um)

[Goneterseed]

Absolutely shocking behaviour when I was on Paignton Promenade earlier. On the seafront and saw a bloke and some lass having a huge argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl so somebody called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and then took his baton to the chap. The guy then managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper and then his wife! Then, out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages....

[rogerbodger]

Don't put a sieve in front of your mouth when talking, you can strain your voice

[oakridge]

Back from holiday now, so....

Performance Evaluation comments:

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12) "A gross ignoramus... 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15) "He's been working with glue too much."

16) "He would argue with a signpost."

17) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection..."

22) "Donated his brain to science before he was through using it."

23) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."

24) "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28) "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29) "One neuro short of a synapse."

30) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31) "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60 minutes'."

32) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[oakridge]

This one is longish I'm afraid.

As we start 2016, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician...

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

This is something different, addition items should be frequent. Please feel free to send to your friends, everybody needs a bit of humor.

[rogerbodger]

Performance Evaluation comments:

This reminds me of a true story at a large multinational company that I worked for ....

The guidance to managers was to makes positive comments when writing appraisals. One manager I knew was struggling to find anything positive to say about one individual, in the end he came up with "this person is a perfect example to others of how not to do the job"

[oakridge]

My daughter is an HR consultant and she has met all these people unfortunately many were the owners of the company.  Also my wife is a former primary school teacher who had to write reports which veiled the truth about the little darlins', but with hidden meanings.

[oakridge]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[oakridge]

Is forensics a dead end job?