[mumofstig]

Walking the plank instead of walking the dog 

[rogerbodger]

Breaking news .....

The man who took an airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

[hamstergbert]

And the banana merchant who was sued over injury sustained by a feller on his premises when he lost his footing....
Heard he lost it on appeal.

And the offender ordered to wear 10 denier black stockings all the time.
Some sort of suspendered sentence.

One judge pronounced his verdict in fluent Klingon.
People said he was unnecessarily harsh.

One burglar was convicted of multiple burglaries of Frodo's home, Bilbo's home and lots of other premises in the Shire.
Seems he was a hobbitual offender.

In pre-sentencing it was revealed the offender had previously stolen bench seating.
Had form.

Of the five members of the Court Martial panel, the Lieutenant and Captain said not guilty, the Lieutenant-Colonel and Colonel said guilty.
So it was a Majority verdict...

"Are you the defendant?"
"Oh no, I got a Barrister to do the defending.  I'm the one wot nicked the motor."

"The Jury have found you 'Not Guilty'.  You are free to go."
"Does that mean I can keep the loot?"

Barrister: "...he was as 'drunk as a judge' at the time.."
Judge (interrupting): "The correct term is '...drunk as a Lord...' is it not"
Barrister: "Ah, yes, my Lord"

Prisoner:  "I'm innocent, as God is my judge!"
Magistrate: "He's not, I am, you're guilty!"



I'll get me coat.  Or nick someone else's....

[hamstergbert]

and in today's paper I read about the lad apprehended for stealing jellies.
In mitigation it was pointed out that the value was trifling
He was still remanded in custard though....

And in a separate incident, an electrician was charged with battery.
Bit of a bright spark and claimed it wasn't his volt and they should let him go ohm.
Circuit Judge was short with him about his resistance
He is currently locked in a dry cell.

A photographer was arrested for arranging a dozen eggs artistically on the Harvey Nicks descalator.
The charge was 'in descent eggs posure'

A group of demonstrators blocked access to the World Ice Hockey championships.
They were arrested for puck picketting.

"Was the robber armed?"
"Not seriously.  Minor bruises when he accidentally banged his groin on the cell door, m'lud...."

[Yorkie]

*Groan* 

[rogerbodger]

Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A. One is really heavy and the other's a little lighter.

[Blackpool rocket]

Only 99 days to go...

A couple were Chr*@t%4$ shopping. The shopping centre was packed and as the wife walked around she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset becauase they had a lot to do, she became so worried that she decided to call him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said
"Do you remember the jewllers we went into about 5 years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife began to choke up and started to cry and said
"Yes, I do remember that shop"

He replied:


"Well, I'm in the pub next door!"



Br

[mumofstig]

Ha Ha!

[hamstergbert]

For many people on here it takes 24 hours after hearing a particularly awful joke in this thread before they feel able to give it the appropriate response.
Sort of "heard today, groan tomorrow...."


My Mexican pal Jose was visiting Dallas and decided to take in an American Footbal match.
He ws really impressed with the way everyone in the place was determined to make sure he had a good view.
Before the game started everyone stood up and went, "Jose, can you see....?"


Isn't 'Corbyn' a receptacle for dead crows?


Reports today of the sighting of a grey animal with a trunk.
Probably a really old mouse going off for a world cruise.


"How much are your ten quid trainers?"
"Fiver each."
"OK, I'll take a couple...."


Not been on the forum lately - been too busy cutting my lawn with a pair of nail scissors.
My neighbour asked me why I was using the nail scissors.
I had to tell him, "that's all there is - there isn't any mower...."



I'll get me coat.

[rogerbodger]

Sort of "heard today, groan tomorrow...."

Groan!

[Growster...]

Or as the enthusiastic bull was heard to mutter before being put out to grass, "Herd today, green tomorrow"!

[hamstergbert]

or in the last few preparations for attending Queen Mary's Ball : "Hair today, gown tomorrow..."

Or as Secombe said when meeting HRH Prince Charles the day before lunching with Spike Milligan : "Heir today, goon tomorrow...'

[cadalot]

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really posh hotel..
 When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £150.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £150.00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that £150.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has a heated indoor swimming pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from all over Britain performing here."
 
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.

 No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,

 "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
 
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque."But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £100.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the Manager

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!

[Blackpool rocket]

Very good, you get two  for that. Cheered me up 

Br

[Goosegirl]

Brilliant cadalot! Must remember that one.