[Goosegirl]

What does a *******man call his pet zebra?....Spot!

[hamstergbert]

A chap rang up the BMW car dealership to complain bitterly about his new car.

Said "I've had BMWs  for years and always loved them.  THis time for the first time, instead of manual gearbox, the company have given me an automatic.  It is rubbish - an absolute crock!"

Well, the BMW person made all the sympathetic noises, established that the car in question was a 320i with  a petrol engine, and asked for the details of what was so bad.

The chap repeated that in his opinion it was utter rubbish, and added, "It works fine during the day, but simply does not work at night!"

THe BMW person was rather taken aback and asked for further details - particularly what he meant by this bizarre claim that it would work in the day but not at night.

"It;s like this,"  the bloke explained.   "I get into the car in the day, put the automatic gear selector to 'D' for day mode and everything is fine.  When I get in at night and set it to the 'N' for night mode, it just doesn't go anywhere!"

THe BMW person was having to bite his lip, but when he eventually had regained control of himself, before he could speak the customer started again.

"And there's more, more trouble thanks to this useless car with it's rubbish automatic gearbox!   This morning I was stopped at the lights and this chap in a porsche pulled up next to me, revved his engine loudly and clearly wanted to race.   So as the lights went green I selected the racing mode, 'R', and put my foot down.......  and the bloke from the white van behind me got out and punched me!"

[grinling]

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the chickens' day off.

From the children!!!

[Chrysalis]

What does a *******man call his pet zebra?....Spot!

I thought that was the name of the invisible dog..

[GTFC197]

                        An Aussie Story
    A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
    halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his
    money.

    He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education
    is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will
    teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

    'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

    'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll
    get him in the course.'

    So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
    The boy calls home.
    'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

    'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe
    this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to
    teach the animals how to read.'

    'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
    that program?'

    'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

    At the end of the year,  his father will find out the dog can neither
    talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
    'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
    something!'

    'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
    before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
    back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly
    turned to me and asked,  "So, is your Daddy still bonking that little
    redhead barmaid at the pub?''

    The father groans and whispers,  'I hope you shot him before
    he talks to your Mother!'

    'I sure did, Dad!'

    'That's my boy!'

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and politician!

[Goosegirl]

 

[Trillium]

Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless Man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,
I got lost and,
being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
Tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

[lacewing]

  nice one!!

[Paul Plots]

Love it Trilliam.

And this man never gets lost just enjoys the more scenic route.
(Yea...right.) 

[angelavdavis]

Thanks for that one Trillium, the first thing to make me laugh at the end of a very dull day!

[Growster...]

Excellent Trills!

[Growster...]

Overheard at a recent agricultural gathering...

Wealthy farmer : - "We practice four year rotation here, it makes us a fortune"!

Reporter on local rag : - "Four years seems quite a long time, what do you do"?

Wealthy farmer : - "Year one - rock concert, year two - county show, year three - boot fair, and year four, we grow something or other in the mud, damned if I can remember what it is..."!

[Goosegirl]

What does a *******man call his pet zebra?....Spot!

I thought that was the name of the invisible dog..

What dog? Where is it? 

[davethespread]

a big row has broken out in the irish synchronised swimming team,after paddy accused mick of copying him.

[Chrysalis]

Just seen this headline on the BBC website -

Rise in women having babies over 40   

(Must have quite a lot of stretch marks after that long a gestation! )