[oakridge]

Today is the last day for have dogs chipped so there was a tail-back at the vets.

[John]

Is forensics a dead end job?

I don't know - certainly involves dean man's shoes though

[Growster...]

Nice ones, Oakridge!

Another one, which was an army officer's appraisal

'His men will follow him anywhere, albeit out of curiosity'!

[hamstergbert]

"..  an excellent Petty Officer, whose performance assessment of 'EXCEPTIONAL' in the rate seems unlikely to change - unless of course I can discover where he has hidden the negatives...."

"...Able Seaman Bloggins' extrovert nature has caused the First Lieutenant to remark that he 'should be on the stage', followed by information on the timetable for when the next one leaves for Deadwood..."

"... Ordinary Seaman Scroggins has all the attributes of a classic tar - smelly, thick and slow moving..."

"...if stoker Clanker were to desert, the average IQ of both the engine room hands and the crew overall would rise markedly..."

[oakridge]

ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!

'What powerful rivers!

'What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well, ' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

[Aunt Sally]

    Very Dave Allen.

[oakridge]

Oh, yes, you can hear him saying it.

[Tenhens]

Would agree with that,   Had seen the joke before but had forgotten how it finished.  Still raised a laugh.

Mr Allen , the one with glass of whisky??   and the missing finger.    Passed away in March 2005, by the way.

[John]

Dave Allen was such a talent - he joked about the touchiest subject (religion) and everyone laughed whatever there faith. The only things that have dated are the suits and gentleness.

[oakridge]

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked

'NO REPEATS'..."

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

(I LOVE IT!)

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me!

I want people to know why

I look this way.

I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper ... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

''''''''''''''''

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her ... what does she look like?"

The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom ... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,

let's look for yours."

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you ... stick around awhile ... it will!

[8doubles]

Beware !

The urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away !







a whim away, a whim away ...

[wighty]

Dave Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, wife, daughter and two sons are with him at his home in London.  He asks for two independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.  When all is ready he begins to speak:  My son, Bernie I want you to take the Mayfair houses.  My daughter Sybil, you take over the apartments in the East End.  My son Jamie, I want you to take over the offices in the city.  Sarah, my dear wife, please take the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.  The nurse and witnesses are absolutely amazed.  They did not realise the extent of his holdings.  As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, 'Mrs Smith, you have my deepest condolences.  Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property'.  'Property!' sarah replies 'The pillock had a window cleaning round'.

[Aunt Sally]

I love that joke, Ginny 

[Tenhens]

Bet they thought he was a right pane!

[oakridge]

Words of Wisdom

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of

Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George

Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

--James Bovard,

Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Case,

Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic

Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

--Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes.

I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. --Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when

Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.

The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English

Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native

American criminal class, save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians

--Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. -- Aesop