[Paul Plots]

+1 

[wannagrowveg]

A couple of weekends ago I asked my hubby to plant some runners in toilet rolls I showed him what to do, happy to oblige off he went rolls, seeds and compost in hand.

Yesterday I thought those beans seem to be taking ages to germinate so decided to have a little rummage only to find he had planted the lot upside down

Never send a man to do a womans job.. bless him 

[min200]

A woman gets onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says " Wow thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff the woman makes her way to the back of the bus and sits down. She is very upset and is fuming. The man next to her notices and asks "whats wrong?".
She replied "that bus driver just insulted me"
The man said" thats not right, you should tell him off"
The woman said " Yes, your right, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"
The man says " Yes, go right up there and tell him off, go on, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

[min200]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Paul Plots]

  Well worth reading through to the end min!
Thanks!! 

[Jamie Butterworth]

I'm so bored with life I've decided to read the Oxford English Dictionary from start to finish.

I'm past caring.

[Jamie Butterworth]

Parallel lines have got so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

[hamstergbert]

A new part 3 trainee joined his first boat and after many weeks he qualified.  He was looking forward to his first saturday night at sea without training, and he was sitting in the corner when the president of the mess decided it was time for a few jokes to fight the mid-patrol blues and cheer everyone up, and he offered to start.
    "47", he said, and everyone chuckled. 
    "156", said someone else, and they all laughed.
    "96" said another voice, and they all creased up with laughter.
    Spotting that the youngster was utterly confused, one of the chaps explained to him that after so many patrols everyone had heard each others jokes so many times they had simply allocated a number to each one.   Instead of having to wade through the whole narrative for a joke they wished to amuse everyone with, they could simply call out the selected joke's identifying number, and all the listeners would immediately remember the relevant joke.  Really efficient.
    The lad was pretty impressed as the fun continued.
    "211".  Laughter.
    "118".  Amused groans.
    "18".  Total hilarity.
    Foolishly the lad thought he should have a go, and in the next gap, he said "487".  Well, the place was in uproar, everyone rolling around in stitches, slapping their thighs, almost crying with laughter.
   It seems they hadn't heard that one before.

    However, emboldened by this success, the lad tried again.  "83" he said and was immediately pelted with bread rolls.  They didn't like the way he told it....



I'll get me coat.....

[dugless]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did
my intelligence come from?'
The father replied.  'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

[JonT]

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have visited Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB (PieterMaritzBurg).
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted'.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS 'BURN DOWN THE GARAGE' CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting peed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pees me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to sh*t myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my bum with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S 'MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE' CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

[hillfooter]

You have to reflect on what makes you laugh  and what constitutes humour.  For me it has to be a bizarre view of the world something which turns the expected on it's head.   A good story with a humourous punch line has to build the tension then break it with a sudden unexpected twist.  It's that suddent twist and release of tension that makes us laugh or groan.   

When it's  as predictable as a wet weekend it doesn't hit the spot.  Or am I wrong? 
HF

[mumofstig]

not many have made me laugh....most have made me groan 

[JayG]

not many have made me laugh....most have made me groan 

"Laugh? Oh yes, dear, I remember that word!"   (Basil to Sybil in Fawlty Towers!) 


(A friend of mine from Oz came to look at my poorly cucumbers today and told me he thought they had been attacked by vegemites...............to control them it seems you have to target the female parents which are apparently called marmites!)

(OK, so it's cr*p but at least it's all my own work!)   

[Gwiz]

When it's  as predictable as a wet weekend it doesn't hit the spot.  Or am I wrong? 

An interesting point, although I'm not sure I agree.
There are jokes that I've heard numerous times that still make me laugh.
For example,
"My wife has gone to the west Indies"
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own accord"

Predictable as, a wet weekend, but still as funny to me as the first time I heard it.
As for "toilet humour", I'm sorry, but in this respect I'm still a juvenile, I find just about all of it funny.

[Trillium]

How to Start the Day and Feel Really Good

Open a new file on your computer.
Entitle it 'Housework.'
Place it in the Recycle Bin.
Empty the Recycle Bin.
Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'
Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly.
Now you feel much better.