[rogerbodger]

There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A bandit called Rocky, who was crackers, hit a penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband and made his breakaway in a taxi.

Police say Rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland, hobnobbing with a ginger nut drinking bourbon. Unfortunately, they don't have a crumb of evidence so the jammy dodger might get away with it!

[mumofstig]

 

[Fairy Plotmother]

 

[dugless]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"
Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Trillium]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So sorry," says the waiter,"I bring you Peeking Duck."

[Trillium]

A social worker from Chicago recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

[dugless]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Olorin2001]

Just been online to check out the symptoms of 'mid-life crisis'

I ended up buying a Harley.

[Paul Plots]

There's been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A bandit called Rocky, who was crackers, hit a penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue riband and made his breakaway in a taxi.

Police say Rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland, hobnobbing with a ginger nut drinking bourbon. Unfortunately, they don't have a crumb of evidence so the jammy dodger might get away with it!

Crackers!! 

[rogerbodger]

Crackers!! 

Nice !

[fatcat1955]

Answered a knock on the door last night and there was 2 policeman standing there. The first one held up a photograph and said " Is this your wife"?  I confirmed it was and the second one said "I'm afraid it looks like she has been run over by a bus" " I know"  i said but she is great with the kid's

[rogerbodger]

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said...


'Your house'

[hamstergbert]

T'other day amid all the gales a feller lands quite heavily in the riverside park at Ilkley and is laid there in a mess of billowing fabric and strings etc.   A bloke walking his dog stops pretending to pick up his dog's mess and stares at him.
"By gum!" he says.  "You've got some nerve, paragliding in Ilkley in this howling gale!"
The feller looks up at him.  "I'm not paragliding in Ilkley!" he groans weakly.  "I reckon to be camping near Skipton..."

[azubah]

 

[brokenglass]

Paddy asks at the "Movies" for nineteen tickets.   
 "19 of you why 19?"   
"Because it's over 18s only"