[John]

Yikes, I could watch only part of that Warriors segment. Couldn't handle any more. YUUKKKK!

At the end, they get given a bundle of cash so I figure they won. They're all bleeding but smiling and laughing. Reminded me of the Kung Fu act from China the Shao Lin put on.

[Growster...]

Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
 
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
 
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
 
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland "
 
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.
 
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
 
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
 
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
 
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
 
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
 
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
 
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
 
"Do you know who I am?"
 
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
 
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
 
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 euros per second"
 
"I will never use this bar again"
 
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro"

[John]

That was cutting     

[GTFC197]

My parents taught me well:

Religion ........ "You better pray that comes out of the carpet"

Logic ............."Because I said so, that's why"

Irony............."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"

Wisdom......... "When you get to my age, you'll understand"

Justice ..........."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!"

[aelf]

My parents taught me well:

Religion ........ "You better pray that comes out of the carpet"

Logic ............."Because I said so, that's why"

Irony............."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"

Wisdom......... "When you get to my age, you'll understand"

Justice ..........."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!"

Did you grow up in my house? 

[GTFC197]

I think you would have known if I did cos your sanity would have been long gone, there's only one of me, the world couldn't cope with 2.

[mumofstig]

My parents taught me well:

Religion ........ "You better pray that comes out of the carpet"

Logic ............."Because I said so, that's why"

Irony............."Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"

Wisdom......... "When you get to my age, you'll understand"

Justice ..........."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!"

Did you grow up in my house? 

or maybe in mine 

 

[Raven81]

Is it too early for a winterval joke? I heard a good one today but don't want to be banished!

[Yorkie]

Not until December ...

[Raven81]

OK I'll hold onto it another week!

[MJS]

I know we've probably all seen these before, but they're still worth a look

Snippets from actual insurance claims...


I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

. I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

 Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.

 To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
•Windshield broke.

•No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.

•I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

•The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.

•I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

•I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.

•An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

•I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.

•The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.

[GTFC197]

Credit crunch. . .

The married version. . . . . . . .

Husband & wife at Asda, he puts a box of Stella in trolley.

"What you think ur doing "? Asks wife.

"Its on offer, £10 for 24 cans"

"Put em back we can't afford it" says wife.

A few aisles on wife picks up £20 jar of face cream & puts it in trolley.

"What u doing"? Asks husband.

"It makes my face look beautiful" she says.

Husband says,

" So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price"...

[Yorkie]

 

[Chrysalis]

Credit crunch. . .

The married version. . . . . . . .

Husband & wife at Asda, he puts a box of Stella in trolley.

"What you think ur doing "? Asks wife.

"Its on offer, £10 for 24 cans"

"Put em back we can't afford it" says wife.

A few aisles on wife picks up £20 jar of face cream & puts it in trolley.












"What u doing"? Asks husband.

"It makes my face look beautiful" she says.

Husband says,

" So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price"...

Thin ice, my friend, thin ice and no skates......beware the wrath of the women on this forum!!! ( I still laughed though)

[lacewing]

Husband down the pub every night, wife has had enough and decides to join him. She asks him what he is drinking and tell him to get her a pint of the same. She takes one sip, pulls a face and says, I dont know how you drink this stuff.  There you are says the husband and you think I'm enjoying myself!!