[Jamie Butterworth]

Unortunatley  

[ex-cavator]

I went to my lotty the other day and someone had put 2" of soil all over it.

I went there today and there was another 2" of soil on it.









The plot thickens.

 

[Paul Plots]

I went to my lotty the other day and someone had put 2" of soil all over it.

I went there today and there was another 2" of soil on it.









The plot thickens.

 

 :blink:   

Got it!!!       
Oh I'm slow tonight. 
Love it. 

[dugless]

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect... Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[Yorkie]

 

[dugless]

Probably not funny but ironical


In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah,

who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has

become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before

me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few

good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You

have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for

 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and

saw Noah weeping in his yard

- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about

to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah,

"but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because

the Ark was over 30sq m. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about

the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have

obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because

it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary

structure, but the roof is too high.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of

State for a decision.  The Local Area Access Group complained that

my ramp was going to be too steep, And the inside of the Ark wasn't fully

accessible, then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted

for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,

to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the  sea. I told them that

the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All

the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a

Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted

owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to

save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the

RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against

their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was

cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency

and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd

conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons.

They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building

experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise

seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally

with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least

10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began

to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder

and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government

beat me to it."

[dugless]

> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
>waiting for the
> doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
>
> When the doctor arrived to examine the baby, the lady said
>that she was a
> bit concerned about the baby's progress - he did not seem to
>be putting on
> weight.
>
> The doctor showed concern, and asked if the baby was
>breast-fed or
> bottle-fed.
>
> "Breast-fed" she replied.
>
> "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
>
> She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and
>rubbed both
> breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this
>baby is
> underweight. You don't have any milk."

 

>
> "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came".

 

[Trillium]

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive".

[Ice]

That's funny because it's so true Trillium.

[dugless]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[dugless]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

[JayG]

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me "How many potatoes would you like Jon?"

"Ooh, I think I'll just have one please", I replied.

"It's OK, you don't have to be polite!" she said.

"Alright", I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow."

[hamstergbert]

The new Chief Exec came in determined to prove his ruthlessness in stamping out inefficiency, and went round every department in the company to be sure that nobody was in any doubt about the requirements of the new lean and mean efficient regime.
As he toured the factory he say a young chap leaning against the wall of the factory office and went over to him.  "What are you doing right now?" he demanded.
The young chap smiled and replied "I'm waiting to get paid."
The Chief Exec then asked him "How much do you earn each week?"
"About £250", came the reply.
"Right!" said the Chief Exec.  "Seeing you loafing like this with everyone working hard offends me!" and he pulled out his chequebook and wrote out a cheque to cash for £1,000.  Handing it to the astonished chap, he snarled "That is equivalent to four weeks pay in lieu of notice.  Now get out and never come back!"
The chap shrugged, tucked the cheque into his pocket and strolled out whistling.
The Chief Exec put away his chequebook and turned to the small group of employees who had watched this exchange and said "That's how it works now I am here.   If someone loafs whilst everyone else works they need to be aware of what the consequences will be. I hope you all saw what just happened there!"
"Certainly did!" came back a voice.  "You just tipped the pizza delivery lad a grand!"

[hillfooter]

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive".

Surely in this age of PC this would be classed as age-ist as well as stereotyping people with disabilities joke. If these were black, Irish, male transvestites, homosexual, Jews, talking in a dole queue you could have covered the entire gambit of PC taboos in one joke.  Just an observation
HF

[dugless]

A lorry driver was having his breakfast in the transport caf'e the usual with all the trimmings

When a group of hells angels came in, they went over to him and after a bit of banter 

the leader picked up a fork and and ate his sausage then his hash brow drank his tea

 and pinched a cigarette.  the lorry driver finished what was left of his meal and left.

The hells angel leader said to the server.

 Not much of a man was he.

No  and he is not  much of a driver either



He has just run over a load of motorcycles.