[miggs]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they
can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Didn't know anybody could make anything that fast.

[rogerbodger]

Morris is on his deathbed.  He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.
 
His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside.
 
"So", he says to them:
 
"Bobby, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses..."
 
"Tammy, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza  ..."
 
"Steve, I want you to take the offices over in City Center  ..."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
 
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,
 
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property? He had a paper round!"

[devonbarmygardener]

 

[rogerbodger]

Husband:
I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back
Inspector:
What is her height?
Husband:
I never checked.
Inspector:
Slim or Healthy?
Husband:
Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Never noticed.
Inspector:
Colour of Hair?
Husband:
Changes according to the season.
Inspector:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.
Inspector:
Was she driving?
Husband:
Yes.
Inspector:
Make and colour of car.
Husband:
Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. Full Led headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door……….and then the husband started crying.
Inspector:
Don’t worry sir, we will find your car.

[cadalot]

Reminds me of    My wife ran away with my best friend...........I don't half miss him

[dugless]

A police patrol man was at the end of his shift when he saw a car speeding, he pulled him over and said it is your lucky day I had along day  and don't want to do the paper work so if you can come up with an original excuse why you were speeding I will not give you a ticket. the Man said "my wife ran off with a patrol policeman when I saw your lights  I thought you were bring her back"

[rogerbodger]

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! Her theory was right. The car park was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call her "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard her voice. She shouted, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your blooming car."

This is what they call, " the Golden Years!"

[joyfull]

 

[dugless]

 Dog Yarn
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a
note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's
mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look
both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus
arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then
boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the
suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell,
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!-
against the door.
He does this again and again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats
his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy:

"What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds,
"Genius, my backside.
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[rogerbodger]

In memory of Robin Williams ....

Mindy McConnell: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Mork: [Eugene has just said that he needs to tell him something important] Well, come on, I'm waiting here with a worm on my tongue.
Eugene: Huh?
Mork: Baited breath.

[Snoop]

In memory of Robin Williams ....

Mindy McConnell: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Mork: [Eugene has just said that he needs to tell him something important] Well, come on, I'm waiting here with a worm on my tongue.
Eugene: Huh?
Mork: Baited breath.

Thanks.

[rogerbodger]

One reason why Switzerland is a great place?

The flag is a big plus

[rogerbodger]

Men and women - some differences .....

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
 
 
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
 
 
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
 
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
 
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
 
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
 
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[mumofstig]

A woman does as much as she can, to look as good as she can - a man doesn't bother because he thinks he's perfect already.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Men are not perfect, they just think they are .


This was something new for me, because I was sure that men didn't think at all. 

[Snoop]

Rogerbodger, I'd withdraw gracefully from the field if I were you!