[cadalot]

My wife told me she was a very naughty girl and needed to be punished!
So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop

[Goosegirl]

 

[grinling]

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable account as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.  Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith and I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[Tenhens]

    A touching story.............

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy..........

Why the life of celibacy??

 Your clear understanding of the different types of flour is evidence of the close attention that you have shown to the activities that your wife performs in the kitchen. Not taking for granted that meals magically appear, your wife will, in time, come to understand that your 'knowledge' of flour can be expanded to embrace the other food commodities that she expertly handles. Having given you guidance in such matters , she will feel confident in hinting when the food item - flour - requires replenishing, and can rest easy in the knowledge that having dispatched you to the supermarket, you will return with the requested item.

A good understanding of the use of a rolling pin and possibly a frying pan may be considered useful. Bags of frozen peas are understood to be beneficial.

[Growster...]

That's a very interesting and thoughtful response, Tenhens!

Love it;0)

[rogerbodger]

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles yesterday, my next toilet visit could spell disaster!

Luckily I'd only swallowed half the set of tiles, the doctor said I'd be OK but not in so many words.

[hamstergbert]

Trying to explain about it further will probably result in all sorts of euphemisms being employed and it is tricky to find enough alternative terms although the family do try.
I'll be the one with thesaurus......

[Olorin2001]

Yesterday, I was diagnosed as being an idiot.
 I returned to the hospital today believing my condition had improved only to be told by the car park ticket machine that there was no change.

[Aled]

After reading 50 shades of grey my wife told me to tie her to the bed and do whatever I want.
So as requested I tied her to the bed, and then went fishing.


I'll get my coat.
Aled 

[Goosegirl]

She obviously wasn't wearing fish-net stockings then! 

[Aled]

Nice one Goosegirl LOL. 
Cheers
Aled

[hamstergbert]

That's a new angle on it!

[Chrysalis]

Maybe she's fishing for compliments!

[Goosegirl]

... in that case, he's keeping her in suspenders!! 

[cadalot]

Stockings like sprout bags