[davethespread]

beacause the platypus can both lay eggs and pruduce milk

it is the only animal that can make its own custard.

[mumofstig]

 

[arugula]

Dave 

[Plot 6B]

I used to work in a blanket factory...............But it folded

Without geometry, life is pointless!

[davethespread]

after beating utd 6-1 yesterday the man city players said they cant put into words how happy they are.
im sure their translators will help.

[John]

A Welsh joke doing the rounds...

Oxo have brought out a cube to celebrate the English performance in the world rugby. It has the cross of St George on it and will be known as laughing stock.

I had to laugh - despite being English. Well, didn't want the six hulking Welsh rugby players to take offence.

[Trillium]

Favourite Words

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.


CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

[mumofstig]

  and all true 

[GTFC197]

Mrs Ferguson nudged Alex this morning.

"Alex she said wake up it's 7"

"Oh no, have they scored again"

[Growster...]

Forces wisdom...


'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual –

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur –

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual -

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal –

‘The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you’.
- Basic Flight Training Manual -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual –
 
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit -

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -
 
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author - 
 
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot - 
 
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
- Multi-Engine Training Manual -

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
- Unknown Author - 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal -
 
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by the n you'll be the pilot.'
- Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot - 
 
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, ... the pilot dies.'
- Sign over Control Tower Door - 
 
'Never trade luck for skill.'
- Author Unknown - 
 
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
- Authors Unknown - 
 
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
- Basic Flight Training Manual - 
 
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist - 
 
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) –
 
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB -
 
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

[pumpkinpatch]

I went berserk in the allotment today, lost the plot 

[Jamie Butterworth]

The government have advised people to watch out that they're not being sold fake 2012 Olympic tickets.

I think I'll be alright though. My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

[Yorkie]

 

[Raven81]

Two barbershops were in red-hot competition.

One put up a sign advertising "We do 7-dollar haircuts".

His competitor put up one that read, "We repair 7-dollar haircuts."

[davethespread]

so England are playing cricket against Pakistan in january,should be interesting.

only a little while ago they gave us a run for our money.