[grinling]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.  Then, the still shaking Driver said, “Are you OK?  I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”  The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the Shoulder would startle him so badly. 

The driver replied, “No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault; today is my very first day driving a cab, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.

[horsepooisgood]

The Old Dog

 A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle  named Cuddles, along for the company.
 One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
  The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
  Meanwhile, a monkey ! who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
  Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
  "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
 
Moral of this story....
 
Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullsh*t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[andy135]

David Cameron has only been in power for a couple of hours, and already there is a Scottish family homeless...............!

[greenun]

The wife of a mean man dies.
His  friends tell him to put a notice in the paper."will it cost much?' he asked 'A few quid"
He rings  the paper and gets through to births and deaths. "i wish to put a death notice in the paper'. "what would you like to say?'
" er, wife died "  'Is that it?"   " Yes".  "But you can put more in - you have enough for 3 more words"    Oh well er...  TOYOTA FOR SALE!

[horsepooisgood]

Jesus and Moses

 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. Did you say that?"  He hissed at the parrot. "Yup," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[8doubles]

  excellent !

[Spana]

 A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Dad dy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the * dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this only once.....


'I HAVEN'T MADE THE * PORRIDGE YET



Edited to add, the swear word between 'THE' and ' PORRIDGE' has rightly been removed but I think it needs ones, so choose your own

[mumofstig]

 

[horsepooisgood]

A Cows Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle...

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that.'

You have to be So carefull don't you

[gsc]

Don't know if you've heard this one?

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
To get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
Doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
Flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Spana]

 

I'd try it, but unfortunately I'm not growing cucumbers this year

[mumofstig]

don't try it with courgettes instead then 

[horsepooisgood]

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily.
His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears.
“That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you laugh?”
“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

[DD.]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious at that age."

"Curious?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

(Toned down from the original).

[Aunt Sally]

Good one Dave