[GTFC197]

HMS CUMBERLAND.

only a British Government could send a ship named after a pork sausage to a muslim country to rescue Brits.

[GTFC197]

I saw a sign today that made me pee myself,

















TOILETS CLOSED!!!

[pigeonpie]

I saw a sign today that made me pee myself,
TOILETS CLOSED!!!

Ha ha, brilliant.   

[PennyS]

These are getting worse and worse.
Keep 'em coming 

[Nige2Plots]

A Beef Burger walks into a restaurant ane the waiter says...............
"Sorry we don't serve food here!"

[pigeonpie]

Having just come back from a holiday I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage. I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer. He said "You don't have much of a case."

[pigeonpie]

Apologies in advance for this one...

They say that ignorance is bliss.  They also say that blondes have more fun.
Coincidence? I think not.


And this one...

According to my Moben kitchen designer, 'woman' is not an optional extra


And just to equal it out a little bit...

Did you hear about the guy who was rushed to hospital after a bizarre bet went wrong and left him with six toy horses stuck up his nose?
Doctors have described his condition as "stable"

[GTFC197]

2 English tourists driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop for lunch. 1of the tourists asks the waitress,

"Before we order something can you please settle an argument, can you pronounce where we are, very very, very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and whispered,













"burrrr-gurrrr-kiiiing, stupid"

[Nige2Plots]

2 English tourists driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogog they stop for lunch. 1of the tourists asks the waitress,

"Before we order something can you please settle an argument, can you pronounce where we are, very very, very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over and whispered,













"burrrr-gurrrr-kiiiing, stupid"

Groan and double groan Simple but funny!!!!!!!!!!

[yorky]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[GTFC197]

nice one 

[eeedowls]

Had a terrible accident last night - cooking in the kitchen and managed to get some herbs stuck in my eye

unfortunately, I am now parsley sighted....

 

[SkipRat]

I was on the phone to a friend tonight. “You sound sad.” She said. “I’m just in a dark place at the moment.” I replied. “Why what’s wrong?” she asked. “I haven’t paid my electricity bill.” I replied.....

[fredhogg]

A boy shouts to his mum " mum can you help me". His mum shouts back "don't you shout at me," i am in the bedroom come up here and speak to me properly". The boy walks upstairs, "thats better" she says,"now what do you want ?"  boy replies "I trod in some dogs mess and can't get my trainers off".

[snowdrops]

British scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
 
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
 
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
 
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
 
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
 
You're going to love this......
 
 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"Defrost chicken."
True story apparantly