[GTFC197]

Not meaning to upset anyone, but that moron of a woman who put that cat in a bin can use the excuse of blaming it on what she watched on tv as a child.




Where did Topcat live?   

[GTFC197]

Bad taste joke removed by Aunty.

Think before you type me dear 

[GTFC197]

Ooops!

[GTFC197]

A woman says to her husband,

" I wish I could have bigger breasts".

Her husband replies,

"Try pushing them into the settee and staying like that all day".


"Oh" replied the wife, "will that help?",


"It should do", said the husband, "it definitely worked on your bum".

[John]

GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

[horsepooisgood]

GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Bit near indeed, but not touching the knuckle!!

[Dave Mack]

GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

John send me a PM of the joke mate ... i hate to be left out 

[Aunt Sally]

GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Are you saying I is rampant John    I didn't ban anyone 

[horsepooisgood]

GTFC197 - I thought it was funny (the removed joke) but the rampant feminists disagreed

Seriously, was a bit near the knuckle..

Are you saying I is rampant John    I didn't ban anyone 

Phwoar, now I as got a vision miss Sally

[Bizzi Lizzi]

Mary had a little lamb,

but she ended up putting that in the bin too

Taken me two days but I've just worked this one out!  Deeerrrrrrrr!!!!

[min200]

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow you feel better, even though you have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my chequebook off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where I find a cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all blooming day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[Trillium]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on their belt or purse, I can't afford one
So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have
what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is
'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just
too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age,
and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when
your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
'Oh, have you got a cat? Just once I want to
'No, it's for my company to use! and see the look on their
faces.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should
write, 'A Good doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they
deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while
they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they
were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

[horsepooisgood]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be
notified in case of an emergency. I think you should
write, 'A Good doctor!'

Brilliant

[davethespread]

I got wheel clamped outside the bank this morning.My boss went mental.

he says i'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.


                               *                         *                           *
a bloke was stood at the bar when his mate walks in looking glum.
"Whats up with you mate,you look miserable."
"I've just been gin the sack,"he replies.
"Why's that."
"I dont know,i aint been there for two weeks."


                              *                           *                           *

I constructed a cupboard for my wife to put bed linen and towels,but while she was putting stuff in it,it collapsed and killed her

turns out i made a fatal airer.

[Paul Plots]

I got wheel clamped outside the bank this morning.My boss went mental.

he says i'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.

On you're bike!