[Aunt Sally]

Oh, I thought it was a joke about dogs  :blink:

I'll remove it if you don't like it.

[plot6b]

No No please don't I think its funny And slightly True Do i need to go into hiding now Aunty?

[mumofstig]

I'd make myself scarce while the goings good 

[plot6b]

I'd make myself scarce while the goings good 

Thanks MoS I'm off to read the book I'm currently reading

[davethespread]

i think its very funny and very true,i mean,you lock your wife and your dog in the boot of the car,let them out an hour later,who is happy to see you?

[andy135]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

[joyfull]

that is so funny - I know quite a few people with real broad yorkshire accents and could just imagine them having this conversation 

[davethespread]

this lad was staying with his nan and said to her,"hey nan have you seen my pills they are marked LSD."
she said,"b****r the pills boy,go look in the kitchen theres dragons in there."

[mumofstig]

Why did the mexican throw his wife off a cliff?





TEQUILA 

[min200]

DRING... DRING.... DRING...DRING

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi Darling.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mummy near the phone?'**

*'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,**
Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do..**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, Darling?' **
Well, Mummy got all Flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring and now she isn't moving at all!'

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it.
**He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 01786 561895?'*

[min200]

One day, in line at the works cafe, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
And the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
Better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
Urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
Activity... It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
From his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
Happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins.. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
Get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

[Faz]

Here's a few

· I'm not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.

· I've spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero and it has amounted to nothing.

· BBC News 'Jo Brand involved in fraud case'.
Apparently she put on her tax return, 'Occupation: Comedian'.

· Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?
He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband.

· I have a stalker.
Everywhere I go, she's always there, 10 paces ahead of me...

· My wife's been sleeping in an airport for the past 6 days, with no food and no money.
If I feel sober enough in the morning, I might drive down to Heathrow and pick her up.

· When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

· "Torres out for the rest of the season"
So that makes it a straight race between Labour and the Lib Dems.

· My girlfriend's nose is pointed like a triangle.
The first time I met her I told her she had acute nose.

· I absolutely love helium filled balloons.
I can't speak highly enough about them.

· My Grandfather won 3 medals during the second world war.
In fairness the rest of the darts league were overseas fighting , so he only won them by default.

· After working at a sewage treatment plant for the past 7 years, i have finally realised..This is dodo

[hamstergbert]

and the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

[sclarke624]

pic joke

[sclarke624]

funny pic