[gobs]

I can tell you real life ones.

Orienteering, no else. He's back early. What happenned?

The best ever. I couldn't find the place. Where the orienteering competition was.

[MJS]

apologies if these have been on here before, but i'm not trawling through 132 pages! 

Apparently, these are genuine notes left out for the milkman!


Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but no bread today.

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

[lacewing]

My husband was a milkman for many years and he got lots of notes similar to the above. He helped one elderly lady turm her matress every fortnight, one day she left a note out saying......no bed today I don't feel up to it!

[MJS]

My husband was a milkman for many years and he got lots of notes similar to the above. He helped one elderly turm her matress every fortnight, one day she left a note out saying......no bed today I don't feel up to it!

 

[joyfull]

oh that is so funny lacewing - hope the postman or anybody else didn't read the note - rumours would have been rife 
Years ago milkmen, posties, bread deliverymen etc were a godsend for many people and often the first people to know if help was needed.

[lacewing]

Yes indeed Joyful. My husband loved that side of his job and never minded  lending a helping hand to elderly custmors. Especially the housebound, who lookd forward to seeing him every morning.  We had many good laughs reading the notes he received

[Trillium]

Just to clarify, Robin Hood is one of the two main brand names of flour over here.


What is Celibacy??

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I, listened to
 the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
 things that are important to each other."
 
 He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
 favourite flower?'
 
> I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
>
> 'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
>
> And thus began my life of celibacy

[Chrysalis]

My husband was a milkman for many years and he got lots of notes similar to the above. He helped one elderly lady turm her matress every fortnight, one day she left a note out saying......no bed today I don't feel up to it!

Wonderful.
I have to leave a note out for my milkman this week to ask him not to open the porch door , but to leave the milk outside.  The dog went bananas at 3.50 a.m today and woke me and the neighbours!  It wouldn't have been so bad, but he was keeping warm by sleeping on top of my bed at the time.  Took me ages to drop off again and de-stress!

[gobs]

I understand. We are on good terms with the neighbour, but he never slept on me bed.

Actually, his wife locked him out once, that was funny. Around Christmas it was, so I'm guessing intelligently it might have had to do with him getting a bit too much peed. And he was in a state that he kept knocking that all those awake got to know, when obviously his wife well knew he was out there.

[viettaclark]

Man goes into a psychiatrist's office dressed from head to toe in cling-film.
Psychiatrist says "You don't need to say anything......I can see you're nuts."

[lacewing]

 

[born_2b_mad]

Mediocrities, the lesser successful brother of Socrates

[grinling]

Prob not a joke:
A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.

[davethespread]

John Terry said on losing the England captains armband that he had not been this disappointed since running out of petrol on the way to Wayne Bridges house.

[Gwiz]

Durring this cold snap, the Goverment has advised the public that when travelling they should take with them;
Jump leads
Warning triangle
basic tools
Spare screen wash
Small snow shovel
24 hrs food supply
Extra warm clothing
Blanket,
Warm drink
Sleeping bag
Tow rope
Spare bulbs
Flash light.

I looked a proper idiot on the train this morning.