[DD.]

Note: No nationalities mentioned here.

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read very fast.

You won't recognise the house anymore when you come home; we moved because your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

There was a new style of washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. I put 14 shirts into it last week, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since!

About your father - he has a lovely new job. He now has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knitted, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it was a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Uncle or an Aunt.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your Aunt Harriet took a flight from New York to Los Angeles last week, said it was the first time she had ever arrived somewhere before she had left. Last time she thinks that might have happened, the doctors said it was Altzeimer's disease.

Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery. Some of his co-workers dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer and it kept him going until New Year's day.

I went to the doctor on Thursday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes - your father offered to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

We received a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said that if the last payment on your Grandmother's funeral wasn't made, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

PS I was going to send you ten pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope.

[allotmenteer]

^^^^^^    hahaha             :blink:

[John]

Note: No nationalities mentioned here.

.....

It only rained twice last week. First time was for three days and the second for four. On Monday the wind blew so hard that one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

....

Must be Wales!

[Growster...]

Hilarious DD!

Can I borrow it please?

[DD.]

Yours to keep!

[Growster...]

You're very kind DD!

Thank you!

[JayG]

Breaking News!  Santa has been allegedly substituting ex-lax for chocolate money in his Christmas stockings.

Apparently he's been declared Public Enema Number One.

[DD.]

There are many versions of this kicking around and I dare say even on this thread, but it's a good time of year to recycle it:

Christmas Cake Ingredients:
  1 cup of water
  1 tsp baking soda
  1 cup of sugar
  1 tsp salt
  1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice
  4 Large eggs Nuts
  1 Bottle of Vodka
  2 cups of dried fruit

  Sample the vodka to check quality.
  Take a large bowl check the vodka again.
  To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
  Repeat.
  Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
  Try another cup ,   just in case turn off the mixerer.
  Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  Pick fruit off floor.
  Mix on the turner.
  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
  Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.
  Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a poo.
  Check the vodka.
  Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  Add one table.
  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
  Greash the oven and pee in the fridge.
  Turn the cake tin 350 degrees and try not to fall over.
  Don't forget to beat off the turner.
  Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat.
  Fall into bed.
  CHERRY MISTMAS!

[Chrysalis]

Are you at our house, then?
Merry Christmas everyone.

[Growster...]

Ha ha ha DD!

Marvellous one that; tea-sur-keyboard...

;0)

Happy Christmas to you and all the other DDDDDDDs...

[davethespread]

clearasil moved their factory to london,and hackney disappeared overnight

                                   *                     *                       *
im not an alcoholic,because alcoholics go to meetings.

im a drunk coz drunks go to parties

[seedman]

Note: No nationalities mentioned here.
DD that was funny

[lacewing]

A group of men working on a building site, when suddenly a brick comes flying down and slices  Paddy's  right ear clean off. 
Paddy is in shock, staggering around shouting, my ear, my ear.  All the workmen  gather round and assure Paddy that they would find his ear and with modern surgery it could be stiched  back on.
They all set about searching in the rubble,  when suddenly  one of the men shouted, I've found it! holding up the ear.
Paddy lookd up and said....that's not my ear, I had a pencil behind mine!

[Trillium]

"PARAPROSDOKIANS"

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian."

OK, so now enjoy these:

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to h*ll in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

[pigeonpie]

Ha ha, brilliant Trillium and so very true!!!