[Raven81]

I take no responsibility for writing this, just copied and pasted it!! The parents out there will agree:

It was the night before school started, when all through the town, the parents were cheering - a riotous sound!! By nine, kids were all washed & tucked into bed where memories of homework filled them with dread! New pencils, new folders, new notebooks too!
New teachers, new friends - their anxiety grew! The PARENTS just giggled when they learned of this fright and shouted to all "GO TO BED!!!! IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT!!!   

[mumofstig]

  too true 

[Ice]

Six weeks of torture and 
"No you can't go out it's raining". 
School's closed tomorrow, 
it's teacher training.

[hamstergbert]

Not forgetting that the new term also looms for the teachers.....

[Jamie Butterworth]

Not a joke, but a riddle, its completley stumped me

RIDDLE ME THIS:

You see a shirt for £97. You don't have the money to pay for it, so you borrow $50 from your Mum and £50 from your Dad. After buying the shirt, you are left with £3 change, and so you give £1 to your Mum, £1 to your Dad, and keep the remaining pound for yourself. Now you owe your Mum £49 and your Dad £49.

49+49=£98+Your £1= 99.

Where is the other pound?

[DD.]

The equation is wrong.

The amount owing should be 49 + 49 minus the quid you still have that could be used to pay one of them back. That's £97 - the cost of the shirt.

[JayG]

Not a joke, but a riddle, its completley stumped me

RIDDLE ME THIS:

You see a shirt for £97. You don't have the money to pay for it, so you borrow $50 from your Mum and £50 from your Dad. After buying the shirt, you are left with £3 change, and so you give £1 to your Mum, £1 to your Dad, and keep the remaining pound for yourself. Now you owe your Mum £49 and your Dad £49.

49+49=£98+Your £1= 99.

Where is the other pound?

First point: The sum in the riddle is not logical (it wouldn't be a riddle if it was!); the total cash involved is still £100 and it is all still there (or it was until you spent £97 of it on a shirt.)

Second point: what sort of parents would lend their student son £100 to buy a SHIRT just before starting college?!!     

[hillfooter]

Not a joke, but a riddle, its completley stumped me

RIDDLE ME THIS:

You see a shirt for £97. You don't have the money to pay for it, so you borrow $50 from your Mum and £50 from your Dad. After buying the shirt, you are left with £3 change, and so you give £1 to your Mum, £1 to your Dad, and keep the remaining pound for yourself. Now you owe your Mum £49 and your Dad £49.

49+49=£98+Your £1= 99.

Where is the other pound?

As your Mum is clearly an American you only owe your Mum $50.00 USD = £30.83 GBP and as you paid back £1  that's £36.83.

So as you ended up with a £97 shirt !!! and you repaid debts of £2 and still only owe £50 + £36.88 and pocketed £1 it's only cost you £85.88 a discount of 11.5%. 

You must have passed your A level in Economics and obviously need a £97 shirt to wear for your new job as a city investment accountant.

Well done young fellow
HF

[Glosterboy]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

 "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the nice guy I am I thought "What the Hell… I'll treat her."

 So we walked past it again.

[JayG]

Like that one Glosterboy! 

[hamstergbert]

Memsahib:  I wish I could win the premium bonds million pounds prize again.
Hamster (spilling his tea): 'Again'?!  What do you mean 'again'?
Memsahib:  Well, its not the first time I've wished I could win...

[teasmade!]

i really hope this does not upset or has been here before couldn't look through all the pages anyone but my husband admitted and my son that he would have done exactly the same .....




Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.  The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF *** .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ...!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
 
 
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

if i got one of those for my aniversary i can promise you if he hadn't of tried it first he would be trying seconds after i unwrapped it!!!!! well, just to test it of course 

[Growster...]

Joan Rivers said once that she hated housework, because you spent a day cleaning, Hoovering etc, and another day washing up, and six months later, you have to go through the whole rigmarole again...

[min200]

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

[hillfooter]

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, ..............................................................

That's how to cut a long story short teasmade

Good job you didn't treat us to the full nine yards we'd still be reading and wondering when we would get to the funny bit :blink:

HF