[Paul Plots]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

     That's cruel 

[John]

More advice to men than a joke..

When being dragged around the clothes shops, as she comes out of the changing room with an expensive dress say: "You're right, you have put a little weight on." When she appears with the cheapest one on, say: "Hey, that diet has really worked, you've lost pounds."

Never fails

[plum crumble]

and Val's response is...............................?

[John]

and Val's response is...............................?

I'll be alright, she's busy painting the ceiling 

[JayG]

Better advice is not to accompany women on their clothes shopping trips at all (your advice apparently only helps her decide what not to choose, and as often as not after hours of male misery she won't like it when she gets home anyway!) 

[plum crumble]

you sound rather bitter and twisted J! 

[John]

you sound rather bitter and twisted J! 

Not at all, he's a man who knows

[GTFC197]

Nice one John, my OH didn't see funny side.

typical women,

no sense of humour.

[juliec]

Drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. KFC ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest loo? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Brilliant and I must admit I've used a couple in my youth!!

Hi JulieC - you cannot just leave it there  which ones did you use 

  I may admit to most of those that are downright impossible to say when drunk except for number 7 cos im a lover not a fighter!!!

LOL

[juliec]

I understand that there are a lot of emails going round about tinned meat.

Don't worry, it's only spam

 

Groan!!!!

[yorky]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[juliec]

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

oooow you could be in trouble!! LOL

[Jamie Butterworth]

I was up making my bed at 7 this morning,

last time i buy anything from ikea again

[John]

I was up making my bed at 7 this morning,

last time i buy anything from ikea again

Brilliant!

[Trillium]

Computer Logic

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.


Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.