[davethespread]

quite possibly

[horsepooisgood]

What cabinet, the woodworm destroyed that years ago

[davethespread]

now now, its only 5 years

[DavidT]

If Arsene doesn`t spend money, it will be 6 years, next year.

[horsepooisgood]

now now, its only 5 years

And counting.......

[min200]

Nine words women use.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying UP YOURS!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[Glosterboy]

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I
just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry
about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your
neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you
out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in
this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow
up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you '

[joyfull]

and on all of those your mother was right  (mother of 2 and most of those phrases have been used at one time or another!!)

[agingchick]

Yes!!!  My mother used them on me and I used them on my kids.

[mumofstig]

Number 4 was the one that drove me crazy (and ultimately to leave home) in my teens  

Number 6 my mother taught me how to iron all my own clothes, but number 7 is my personal favourite and I used it as well  

[davethespread]

so,David Cameron and Nick Clegg to form a coalition........

does this mean we will be Con-Dem'd

[agingchick]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. 

Please select from the following options menu: 

If you are   obsessive-compulsive , press 1    repeatedly . 

If you are   co-dependent ,   please ask someone to press 2 for you. 

If you have   multiple personalities , press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 

If you are   paranoid , we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call. 

If you are   delusional , press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. 

If you are   schizophrenic , listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press. 

If you are   manic-depressive , hang up.
It   doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway. 

If you are   dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6. 

If you are   bipolar , please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep. 

If you have   short-term   memory loss ,   press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 

If you have   low self-esteem , please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you. 

If you are   menopausal , put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever. 

If   you are blonde , don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up. 

 

 

[davethespread]

i like it agingchick 

[madcat]

Sent to sis in law - who is a psychologist! 

[Paul Plots]

i like it agingchick 

It's brilliant - sent off to a mate in Australia.. thanks!