[snowdrops]

No, they just swept past them.

[Paul Plots]

No, they just swept past them.

With dust dead pan faces?

[Paul Plots]

Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would  be bad all day.

I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

[spottymint]

Trust me, you weren't quiet enough. 

[Raven81]

My mum said "please go to the supermarket and buy one bottle of milk.  If they have eggs get six"

I came back with six bottles of milk.

She asked "why did you buy six bottles of milk"

so I replied...

"Because they had eggs!"

[Paul Plots]

My mum said "please go to the supermarket and buy one bottle of milk.  If they have eggs get six"

I came back with six bottles of milk.

She asked "why did you buy six bottles of milk"

so I replied...

"Because they had eggs!"

 

[dugless]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[hamstergbert]

...I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors.....

....I wanted to hear the rest of the story but was told "That's all there is - there isn't any mower"....

[Dabhand]

Oh Burger it!  Here goes…
Yes, I have shamefully plagiarised everyone else’s best quips and collated them all here just for you .  Feel free to add on any more quips or indeed any galloping gourmet recipes.

“I had one of those Tesco’s Horse burgers today… I’ve had the trots ever since !”
Just been looking at the labels on Tesco burgers and it turns out they are fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar!!!!

I found these horse meat burgers from Tesco in my fridge. I've just checked them and they're Off!

A Man is seriously ill after eating Tesco burgers. Doctors describe his condition as stable!
Tesco's launch new burger range... Champion!

Tesco beef burgers, suitable for Hindus

Jockey's pep talk "If you don't win, it's Tesco for you!"
Ode to Tossco burgers:  To eat   Or not to eat  That is equestrian.

Quick poll - do you think horsemeat should be used in burgers.....Yay or Nay?

[azubah]

This is bolting the stable door after the horse has been eaten.

[snowdrops]

 
The Winter Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
 
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
Pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
Still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
They're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
Putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
Scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
Boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[grinling]

The Prime Minister is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He entered a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greeted the first patient.

The patient replied:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

The P.M. was confused, just grinned, moved on to the next patient and greeted him.

The patient responded:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, the P.M. moved on to the third patient, who immediately began to chant:

"We sleekit, cowerin, tim’rous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, the P.M.Tony turned to the accompanying doctor and asked, "What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?"

"No", replied the doctor.  "This is the serious Burns unit."

[wighty]

Changing the subject slightly, when is Burns Night? Have looked at several calanders and none have it registered.  I love Haggis, tatties and neeps.

[snowdrops]

Tomorrow I think,the 25th.

[dugless]

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes.
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs.
Lady: How much per 6 pack?
Man: About $10.00.
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No.
Man: So where's your Ferrari then?