Calorie counting my rear end. More like money counting to me! As for more nosheries Mr G, we haven't started on the wine list and what about those exorbitantly-priced cocktails? May I suggest trying these for starters:-
Wine:
Chateau Frenglisher au Grenouise. Its sumptuous mellow tones so reminiscent of Autumnal mists and mellow fruitiness gently linger on the palate then the full velvety richness of gently ripened berries develops as it gently smooths its way down into the warm depths below, only to leave a final sad goodbye with a hint of fresh morning dew.
(Created by the recently employed Sommelier's attempt to reduce costs by scraping the left-over bits of various fruit compotes and jam into a bucket, adding a bit of dried yeast and sugar, then in a few day's time it gets sieved, bottled and corked. The labels are his own design which he prints out on his weekly day's leave. His reward is a free meal once a month.
Blanc du Simpleton. Created from grapes grown on the southern slopes of the Simplon Pass, this specially-created wine simply shines with its aroma of fresh mountain air, newly-mown hay, and a soft undertone of wild flowers.
Cocktails:
Bamboozler. So-called, because at the end of the night the wine waiter who draws the short straw has to up-end every empty bottle of whatever sort into various containers, then in the morning he mixes all the dregs (sorry, lees) into a big jug and adds some blue food colourant. Whoever tries it is totally bamboozled as to what it contains.
Exocet Eye-Popper. So-called from the previous Sommelier's attempts with the aforesaid wine when he added a bit too much dried yeast but, as a rather thrifty and very underpaid person, he still bottled it but with the caveat that, when opening said bottle, it is best to open it outside or it will have your eye out.