[dugless]

Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,  Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months  without stepping on any ducks,
But  One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on


.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

! Steady!

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.

[Sparkyrog]

 

[Trillium]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[Springlands]

  If only that would work in real life.

[Goosegirl]

I so hope it has - brilliant!! 

[John]

True story - a few years ago when mobiles weren't as common or small, I was talking to a chap who had a box hanging on his chest with an earphone in and another lead going into his pocket. I spent the whole conversation talking loudly and clearly to the box, assuming he must be very deaf.
Then he said excuse me and started talking to thin air - I was really worried in case 'the voices' were talking to him 
Found out later and felt a right nitwit!

[Chrysalis]

Ah, a fellow sufferer! 

Those new 4G thingies are big, too, though rather thinner than those portable brick phones!

[JayG]

It was a blessed relief when some train companies designated a carriage the "quiet coach" on my daily train commute to and from York, but it didn't always guarantee complete freedom from electronic noise.

One day a young chap was playing a car racing game on his laptop, and there were loud and frequent sounds of screaming tyres and spectacular crashes coming from it.

This became too much to bear for one woman who came down the carriage, thrust her face into his, and said "now that you've proved beyond doubt to everyone in this coach what an absolutely cr@p driver you are how about switching the 'effin thing off and giving us all some peace and quiet?!" 

(He did!) 

[Welsh Merf]

A pirate comes home after spending years away at sea, and he arrives back at his local pub for a drink.

'I haven't seen you for years,' said the barman. 'Where have you been?'

'I've been doing my pirate duties on far away seas,' replied the pirate'

'I see you've got a wooden leg now,' said the barman. 'What happened there?'

'I was involved in a horrific accident, where the mainmast crashed down and smashed my leg.'

'But what about that hook? Where did that come from?'

'Same accident. The top-spar landed on my hand as I lay there underneath the mainmast.'

'And the patch on your eye?'

'I was looking up at the sails, trying to get the gauge of the wind, when this seagull poo landed in my eye.'

'Don't be silly - you don't lose your eye because of seagull poo!'

'You do if it's your first day with a hook!'

[Sparkyrog]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

 

 



Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...

An Email from a friend 

[Chrysalis]

Thanks, Sparky!  reminded me of when I tried to get my dad to use email:

He had a tesconet account and step by step instructions....

I got a phone call," I'm trying to send an email, but it won't work. I think I know what's wrong, so now I've put my clubcard in....but it still won't send".

Arrgh!!  "Just turn it off at the wall before you take it out of the diskdrive"

"It's Ok, dear, I've got it out with my tweezers".

He doesn't do ANY technology stuff now...

[hamstergbert]

Back in the dim and distant past, a lady working in one of our warehouse offices had in the corner of her office a small computer that processed plug-in downloads from these portable barcode readers.   When a trunker turned up to collect the twenty odd pallets of barcoded consignments we were sending out, she would write the relevant data down to a five and a quarter inch floppy.  This would go into a padded envelope which was handed to the driver who took it away to be fed into the carrier systems.  Real cutting edge it wasn't but until the carrier people agreed to modem transfer, that was what she did.

Inevitably the computer eventually conked out and the information on umpteen days despatches was unavailable with consequent implications for checking our invoices to the client for the product and the carrier invoices to us for the carriage.  The chaps were not too worried because they had been very careful to ensure that the lady concerned, who was a very responsible, thorough and conscientious person, knew that whenever she wrote data down to a floppy, she should take a copy before the disk was handed to the driver and left the building.  They asked her if she had in fact taken copies and were relievewd when she confirmed that yes, she had diligently taken a copy of every floppy disk created.  She pulled out a binder and in it were several hundred photocopies of five and a quarter inch floppy disks, each sheet carefully endorsed with the date and wagon number.......

[ryetek]

Another true story from a while back along the same themes as above. One of our office policies was, at the time, to virus check CDs before they were used on any computer attached to our company network (we didn't even have Internet to our desktops back then). A sticker was then put on each disk that passed the virus checking test. A young lad who had just started working for us was asked to virus check a whole pack of software CDs that had just come in. He happily did this and then handed the disks to me.

I picked one of the disks and promptly asked him "what's on this disk?". "Don't know" was the answer. So I set the disc aside and picked another disc that (I hoped) showed the problem more obviously. I then said to him "what's on this disk then?". Looking at me puzzled he said "I don't know". So taking a different approach I then said to him "shall I tell you what's on this disk?" to which his answer was "yes". My reply was "I don't know either".

He'd only gone and stuck the virus free sticker (on pretty much every disk) over the title of what was on the disk 

[Welsh Merf]

A young lad comes home from school and asks his dad if he'd help him with his homework. 'I've got to explain the difference between realistically, and theoretically.'

Dad says: 'The best thing to do is to go upstairs and ask your sister if she'd sleep with Matt Damon for a million pounds. Then go to the kitchen and ask your mother if she'd sleep with George Clooney for a million pounds. And then come back here.'

The young lad asks his sister about sleeping with Matt Damon. 'Of course I would,' she replies. 'I'd even sleep with him for nothing!'

The young lad then asks his mother about George Clooney: 'Well,' she says, 'don't tell your father, but yes, I would.'

He returns to the living room where his father is waiting for him. 'Well, son,' says dad. 'What did you learn?'

The young lad thinks for a few moments, and then comes out with his judgement. 'Theoretically, we're sitting on a couple of million quid. But realistically we're sharing a house with two loose women!'

[dugless]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him.  "My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!  What the hell did you bring him home for?”

"He's thinking of getting married...."