[Welsh Merf]

'I think my wife's going deaf,' said the man to the doctor.

'What makes you think that?' asks the doctor.

'She doesn't seem to answer my questions.'

'How deaf do you think she is?'

'I'm not sure to be honest.'

'Okay,' says the doctor. 'Go home, and from a distance away, ask her a simple question. If she doesn't answer, go a bit closer and try again with the same question. Keep going closer until she answers you, and then come back and tell me how far away from her you were when she eventually answered you.'

The man goes home, and, from the hallway, sees his wife in the kitchen standing by the sink with her back to him. 'What's for dinner, love?' he asks.

There's no answer, so he moves a bit closer and tries again,

Still no answer.

He moves closer and closer until he eventually finds himself directly behind her. 'What's for dinner, love?' he asks again.

'Will you stop blooming shouting,' she replies. 'I've already told you a dozen times!'

[Plot 6B]

my pet mouse ELVIS has just died

seems he was Caught in a Trap

Groan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Auntiemogs]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you." The grasshopper says, "Bob?" 

[Paul Plots]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink here named after you." The grasshopper says, "Bob?" 

  Oh go on.... hop it!! 

[Welsh Merf]

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the lane, when Paddy spots a metal box in the ditch. He climbs down to investigate, opening the lid. "Oi Murphy," he says. "There are three hand-grenades in this box!"

"Are they live ones?" asks Murphy.

"Aye; they're live alright. What are we going to do with them?"

"We'll have to take them to the police station."

"But what happens if one of them explodes while we're on the way there?"

"Ah, don't worry about that. We'll just say there were only two there in the first place."

[Dabhand]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - PENSIONERS VERSION

The heat from the fire was comforting as the three electric bars glowed brightly in their metal cage. Nora peeked across the room over the rim of her Reader's Digest. Gerald was snoring lightly, with his half-moon spectacles balanced on the end of his nose, a thin ribbon of drool sliding down his chin onto the edge of his striped pyjamas. His half-read newspaper had fallen to the floor, and the cat had curled up on top of the unfinished cricket scores.

She closed her book, turning over the corner of the page she had been reading so as not to lose the article on herbaceous borders, and placed it down next to her half–drunk Horlicks. Nora slid out of her chair, and grabbed the armrest. Carefully kicking off her sheepskin slippers and, sliding her wheeled table out of the way, she hitched up her velvet dressing gown and padded towards him.

She slid her hand under his pyjama top, rubbing his arm gently. He smacked his lips together, as though he could taste the cod in parsley sauce they had for supper. His eyes flickered open and he squinted at the light and the looming shadow in front of him. Gerald could see she wanted him to follow her.

He took off his glasses and placed them on the coffee table as he rose out of his chair, his knees and back cracking as he straightened up. She reached forward and grabbed the long-shaft of his walking stick, gnarled and rough, and placed it in his hand.

Nora began to negotiate the stairs, gripping the banister, the light from the landing highlighting grey roots in her blue rinse. Gerald could hardly wait to get to bed; he settled onto the green padded cushion of his Stannah stair lift and flicked the button, slowly ascending towards her waddling behind as she stumbled up the last two steps. Nora padded into the bathroom as Gerald sank down on the edge of the double divan. She returned after a few moments, passing Gerald a cold and cloudy glass of tap water into which he dropped his teeth with a quiet splash. She placed her own glass onto the bedside table and removed her top denture, dropping it into the glass and adding the cleaning tablet with a plop and a fizz. Gerald had already slid under the 15-tog duvet and was smoothing out the wrinkles on his V-pillow. Nora slipped her shoulders out of her gown and placed it next to the commode, then slid under the paisley polyester, her hand brushing Gerald’s as she fumbled for the TV remote. Gerald gripped the handrail as he slid open the drawer under the dimly lit touch lamp and pulled out a blister pack of Viagra, his face falling as he realised it was empty. He could’ve sworn there were a couple left. Nora smiled to herself as she pressed the remote and the TV flickered into life on the opening credits of Question Time.

She sank back into the memory foam pillow and her eyes glinted happily knowing that Gerald would not be able to get another doctor’s appointment until late next week and that the little blue pills dissolving in the U-bend of the toilet would be completely gone by the morning.

[snowdrops]

Dabhand,  was that all your own work?

[Dabhand]

 

[dugless]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?'persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan..

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man replied calmly,'Been married to your sister for 48 years... '

 

[Chrysalis]

Heard from fellow dog-walker 

How are you?

Well I woke up this morning, so not so bad..... My wife was disappointed.

She said, "Oh God". So I said, "Don't call me that - it's blasphemous"   

[allot2learn]

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[MegC1991]

Three elderly gentleman are sat in church, when suddenly God appears in front of them. He says,

"Gentlemen, you've been loyal to me and the church throughout your lives, and as a reward, you can ask me one question each."

Being big football fans, the first man asks, "Will I be alive next time Liverpool win the Premier League?"

"Afraid not", replies God.

The second man asks, "Will I be alive next time England win a major tournament?"

"Afraid not", replies God.

The third man thinks, then asks, "Will I be alive next time Aston Villa win a trophy?"

"Blinking hell, I'll be dead by then!", says God.



How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Hold it underwater until it's Bill Withers!

[Chrysalis]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Hold it underwater until it's Bill Withers!
[/quote]

 

[angelavdavis]

I saw this posted in a comment following the story of a foul mouthed parrot needing a home and have shamelessly stolen it for our benefit (with some tweaks):

A woman sees a beautiful Amazonian parrot in the window of a pet shop and enquires if it was for sale.

"Yes" says the pet shop owner, "the price tag is £20".

"You're kidding, for such a beautiful bird, that is a complete bargain, I will take it".

"Well, I should warn you that it is priced at this price because it used to live in a brothel and has picked up some colourful language".  Said the shop owner.

"No matter, I can't resist such a beautiful bird" said the woman, so she took the bird home.

So, the bird was set up in pride of place in the lounge and very pleased he was too with his new home "Nice, new premises, I like it"  He said.

Then, the woman's two daughters arrive home and are introduced to the parrot "Good, new girls - marvellous",  says the parrot.

Then, the woman's husband arrives home.

"Hello Keith, you'll be relieved to know we've upgraded!"

[Paul Plots]

I thought you might appreciate this.......then I forgot who I was sending it to. 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.  The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, " While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

 
This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do YOUR part by
remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care.
I have now done MY part.