[catllar]

Chap goes into a restaurant followed by an ostrich. He orders burger and chips, ostrich says " That's good for me, I'll have the same". Waitress serves the meal and the bill comes to £7.46. The man puts  his hand in his pocket and pulls out exactly the right money. The following day he comes in and orders spag bol. The ostrich agrees, " Yep, I'll have the same" Bill comes to £8.78. The man pulls out exactly the right change. This carries on for several days - each day the man has a different meal, the ostrich always agrees and has the same and the man always has the right change.

 The waitress can't understand this perfect change thing so on the Friday she says to the man, "Excuse me sir, but how come you always have exactly the right money in your pocket, I've never once had togive you change!"

The man said "A few years ago I set a genie free from a bottle where he had been shut up for 2000 years and he told me I could have 2 wishes. I said my first wish would be that whenever I put my hand in my pocket I'd take out exactly the amount neede for what I wanted to buy, so it doesn't matter if it's a Rolls Royce, a yacht or burger and chips, I've always got the money!"

" Brilliant" replies the waitress, "most people would have asked to be millionaires, but that could be limiting - this way you will always have money! But can I ask you , what's with the ostrich?" "Ah,bit of a mistake there - I asked for a tall chick with a big bum and long legs, who'd always follow me and agree with everything I said and that's what I got!"

[elibump]

Sorry if this is a repeat.

Canny Yorkshire man

A Leeds man walks into a London Branch of his bank & asks for a loan.
He tells the bank officer he is going to Australia on business for two weeks & needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Yorkshire lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book & everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank manager & its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough-looking Yorkshireman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
The bank manager then instructs an employee of the bank to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage, where he parks it.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the £5,000 & the interest of £15.41.
The bank officer says to the Yorkshireman, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, & this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled...while you were away, we checked you out further & found that you are a multi-millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000"?

The Yorkshireman replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 & expect it to be there when I return”   

Ah, the mind of a true Yorkshireman..
This is why they survive 

[hamstergbert]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman.
But you can't tell him much!

[Paul Plots]

You can always tell a Yorkshireman.
But you can't tell him much!

Being from Yorkshire you night get away with that. 
 

[catllar]

Frog goes into a bank and asks the teller for a £2000 loan. The bank clerk, a Miss Padiwak, a new employee starts filling out the forms and asks the frog for his details - his name and what he's planning to use as collateral. Frog says "I'm Mick Jagger's son and I'm using this china ornament as collateral" and he gives her a tiny china model like you might win at a funfair. Miss Padiwak is a bit sceptical so she takes the completed form and the china object to the back office to her boss and explains the problem. Her boss has a look at the frog through the oneway mirror in his office, then looks at the china ornament, thinks a bit and says, 

(are you ready for this?)


"It's a knick-knack, Padiwak, give the frog the loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone"


Tad dah!!!!

[elibump]

 

[Paul Plots]

Very clever catlar - love it! 

[rainie]

Two caterpillars munching on a leaf, they look up as a butterfly flutters past.  One says to the other 'you wouldn't catch me up in one of those!' 

[davethespread]

cleanlines is next to godliness.

but only in a dyslexics dictionary.

[John]

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and,not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No". Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile" The officers turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

[kenny199]

cleanlines is next to godliness.

but only in a dyslexics dictionary.

absolute cracker Dave ,Being  InclinIc that way.

[davethespread]

blimey the service at out chinese takeaway is terrible....

ive just had an autumn roll delivered.

[aelf]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were paying their first visit to a big department store. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
 
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
 
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out.

 The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[8doubles]

 

[hillfooter]

  worth the wait!
HF