[Chrysalis]

 

[mrs bouquet]

The WI Ladies will like that tomorrow when we meet to celebrate with a St. George's Day tea  Thank you Mrs Bouquet

[Yorkie]

What do you call a pig with laryngitis?

Disgruntled 

[JayG]

I wanted to cook a really special roast dinner, so went to the butchers to ask him whether he kept dripping.

'Yes,' he said, 'embarrassing isn't it?'

[gobs]

It is.

Off he went orienteering. Not too long time passed, when...

- Are you back already?
- I couldn't find the place where the run was.

[grinling]

I fell over this sleeping bag....she was not pleased


Frankie Howerd Variety Show

[grinling]

A little old lady went into the lost property office and asked the man behind the desk if he had seen her umbrella.
No he replied. So she showed it to him.

[rogerbodger]

What do you call a vampire bee?
The pollen count

[Goosegirl]

Just to let you know, I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright now-oooooooooooooooooow!

[rogerbodger]

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a term dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this term, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have got an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[New shoot]

 

I like that one.  Proof that the 'I know nothing' philosophy of life is the smart way to go 

[Growster...]

OLDIE THOUGHTS

1. My goal for 2017 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner last night. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

3. How to  prepare Tofu (a)Throw it in the rubbish bin (b) Grill some meat.

4. I just  did a week's worth of cardiovascular exercise after walking into a spider's web.

5. I don't  mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero degrees they closed school?  Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this...

11. I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

13. I think I'll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

14. October 30th, 2017 will be the end of British Summer Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

[Chrysalis]

 

[mrs bouquet]

Oldies Thoughts - Brilliant - I would love to take that to WI tomorrow, but don't know how to print it off  Mrs Bouquet

[JayG]

Oldies Thoughts - Brilliant - I would love to take that to WI tomorrow, but don't know how to print it off  Mrs Bouquet

If you highlight the text using your mouse, then copy and paste it into Word or Notepad (Windows) you can print it out from there.

(If you've got a tablet or portable device you can just open the right page before you go and take it with you - you won't need an internet connection to view it unless you accidentally close the page down.)