[JudithD]

My husband just told me this one, don't know why:

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes,
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the Doctor asked him 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced
our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with
my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

Still holding the cow's tail up I yelled to my wife:
'Hey, this looks like yours!'
'I don't remember much after that'.’

[Tenhens]

Following the change in Sam Allardyce's circumstances . he has become the most successful manager in England football with a 100% win rate.

Channel Four are in discussions with him for the next series of Bake Off , apparently he needs the dough.

[Plot 6B]

Why could the pirate not play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck!

[Goosegirl]

I went to night classes to do pottery and I fell in love with it. At first I became a little potty, then I went psychoceramic! (Attributes to Ken Dodd).

[oakridge]

Having done quite a lot of tech support before I retired this really hit the spot.

http://www.wimp.com/tech-support-in-the-middle-ages/

[Chrysalis]

 

[hamstergbert]

Prefer it Jeb style meself!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG7hYnMyxyY

[yorky]

This clown thing is getting stupid. They have even sacked the clown at blackpool pleasure beach for being too scary!
 He's apparently suing them for funfair dismissal.

[rogerbodger]

Clowns are getting some unfair bad press at the minute .... only the other day one held the door open for me, I thought what a nice jester

[wapello]

 Hospital Bill (You gotta love this) 

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 999  when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
  "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"         

He replied, "No money in the bank."

do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."                                                                   

[rogerbodger]

It was the dead of night and the hedgehog family are stood at the side of the road
Father turns to mother and says "I think it's time", mother looks back and agrees.
Father then turns to his son and says "Son, we're going to teach you how to cross the road safely"
The tiny hedgehog looks back at his father with a mixture of excitement and fear and says "OK Dad, I'm listening"
"It's actually quite simple" starts the elder hedgehog, "All you do is run to the middle of the road, if you see 2 bright white lights coming then line yourself in the middle and wait for the car to pass. After it's passed check there's not more white lights, then look at the car that's passed and check for red lights disappearing into the distance. When you see this, it's OK to continue across the road." "OK Dad, I've got it" replies the youngster. "In that case your mother and I will demonstrate" says Dad.
Father starts crossing the road, sees a car approaching, lines himself between the headlights, waits for the car to pass then continues across the road.
"Did you see that?" Mum says to her son. After a positive response she tells her son to watch while she gives another demonstration.
Mum leaves the side of the road, lines herself up between the headlights of an approaching car and waits for it to pass. When clear she continues her journey across the road.
"Did you see that?" the parent shouts across the road. "Yes Mummy, I saw what you did" came the reply. "OK, it's your turn".
The tiny hedgehog runs to the middle of the road, lines himself up between the approaching headlights. All of a sudden there's blood and spines all over the road.
Father turns to mother and says, "What bad luck, I've not seen a Reliant Robin in a long time"


"borrowed" from another forum

[rogerbodger]

I phoned our local Chinese restaurant last night and ordered a 34 and a 13. I then asked if they did takeaways, and they replied "21"

[DIGGER]

Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards.

Because if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat.

[Yorkie]

 

[Paul Plots]

I phoned our local Chinese restaurant last night and ordered a 34 and a 13. I then asked if they did takeaways, and they replied "21"

And the sad thing is it took me a good minute to get that 1