[Aunt Sally]

Many truisms there, oakridge!

[hamstergbert]

In a cloakroom you can always spot the coat that belongs to a politician - it is the one that is picking all the other coats' pockets.

In the politician's dictionary "trust" is defined as "a mechanism for avoiding taxes"

Laboratory technicians believe that politicians should be used in place of rats in their experiments (there is a risk that the lab techs might get attached to the rats)

In shipwrecks, politicians are never eaten by sharks.  There is such a thing as professional courtesy, you know.

When agreeing to a visit by a politician, one should always factor in the time necessary to count the spoons.

If voting achieved anything, they'd ban it.

An English politician, an Irish politician, a Scottish politician and a Welsh politician walked into a restaurant - and every one of them claimed the full cost of all four meals on their expenses.

"Yes, Minister" was not a comedy but a documentary.

[oakridge]

Time has passed, I must have been busy doing actual gardening.  Anyway.....

The policeman approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying b*d told you I was speeding, too!"

...........................

On Radio 4s Today Program today they wanted people's opinion on Brexit but usually they have trouble getting them to commit themselves.  This morning they went to Barnsley - no problem.  As they say you can always tell a Yorkshireman, but not al lot.

[oakridge]

And another one:

One Monday, in a mid-sized town, Pastor Jones, of one of the larger churches, was walking through the local shopping mall. As he walked through he noticed a sign outside a pet store advertising a

'PET AUCTION'. He thought 'This will be interesting' and so went inside.

As he entered, he heard the auctioneer; "Okay,

Folks. This is the last pet we have today. It is a genuine talking galah (from Australia). Can we start the bidding at $2?"

Thinking it would be a different sort of pet to have, Pastor Jones called out; "2".

There was an immediate response of "3".

So Pastor Jones called "4".

"5".

"6".

"7".

"8".

"9".

"10".

There was silence through-out the room ... The auctioneer quickly closed the auction and it was all done. Pastor Jones had bought himself a talking bird.

As he went to pay for it he mentioned that $10 was a bit much to pay for a bird... "Are you sure it can talk?"

"Of course I'm sure, who do you think was bidding against you? The silly bird never learnt to count past ten or we'd still be here."

So Pastor Jones, slightly put out, took the bird home and at first it was a great novelty ... BUT: it turned out the bird's previous owner was a sailor on a tramp freighter and he had taught the bird to speak with his own tendency to foul (no NOT fowl you idiots) language ... after three or four very embarrassing incidents... (Including one where a young mother who was breast-feeding her daughter was encouraged to "Show us ya bits, Sweetie." ) Pastor Jones decided he was going to have to get rid of the bird. This was not an easy decision to make because he had grown fond of the galah.

Discussing his problem with one of his church elders, the elder said; "how about we try something. I have a parrot that talks but all it does all day is sit on its perch and intone 'Let us pray!' Perhaps the good influence will rub off on your galah if we bring them together?"

Anything was worth a try and so, although Pastor Jones was doubtful he agreed and the next day Elder Pirot brought his parrot around and the two birds were put in a cage together ... The galah took one look at the parrot and said "Hi toots, what's say you 'n' me make some eggs together."

The parrot replied; "My prayers have been answered!"

Well after this the galah settled down a bit and Pastor Jones thought that perhaps he could keep the bird after all ... However ... A burglar decided the Pastor's residence looked like an easy place to get a bit of cash. One night, while the Pastor was the guest speaker at a parish conference, he quietly broke in. He was looking for the high quality electrical goods he could fence easily, when he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he looked around ... but couldn't see anyone. Thinking he was hearing things he was about to turn away, when he heard again, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he realised it was the bird speaking.

He laughed, "And I suppose your name is 'Jesus' right?"

"No, my name is Gabriel. Jesus is the pit bull behind you!"

[oakridge]

You know the saying that you can wait ages for a bus and then three come together, well.....

Most of our generation of 50+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways :

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...

[rogerbodger]

A bloke on a tractor drove past shouting "the end of the world is nigh"
 
I think it was farmer Geddon

[8doubles]

Scientists think there may be female hormones in beer, this explains why if you drink too much you cannot drive properly or shut up !

[azubah]

What Oakridge says is very true.
Life was different in the 50's.
I remember that every uncle who visited just had to grab hold of me and lift me up in the air.
This inevitably resulted in my head banging on the ceiling causing lots of tears and embarrassment.
I got shouted at by Mom for making such a fuss. There was no sympathy.

As I grew up I got ready to run whenever a visitor knocked on the door.
One uncle managed to capture me, and so I protested that I did not want my head banging on the ceiling.
He reassured me that he would not do that, and banged my head on the light fitting instead.
That was even more painful.
I don't remember it happening again after that. Perhaps I got too heavy.
A few years ago my DH admitted that he did it to one of his nieces.
Anyone else had this done to them or did it to a small relative?

[grinling]

The winner of the 100 meters was John Barry of the gas board who read the in 34 minutes

[grinling]

The winner of the flat race was 28a Melrose Place, only 4 flats competed

[hamstergbert]

The steeplechase was abandoned as the steeple could not be induced to run away to be chased.

[Growster...]

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's poo an sludge!'
 
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

[oakridge]

Don't you have a nasty feeling that this could be true.

Arranging a Christmas Party for the Staff!!!!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 1, 2015

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 2, 2015

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 3, 2015

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 4, 2015

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

to the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All  Employees

DATE: November 5, 2015

RE: The Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian idiots!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you  wierdos can kiss my ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Btch from Hll!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 6, 2015

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

[rogerbodger]

Mary said to Paddy, 'If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like to be with you?' Paddy replied, 'Me uncle Mick'.
'What's so special about him?' asked Mary,
'He's got a boat' replied Paddy.

[oakridge]

Jewish Wisdom

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a damn wall."