[hamstergbert]

I have a pet Zebra.
It's name is 'Spot'.

[New shoot]

A woman in a cinema notices the man sitting next to her has what looks like an antelope sitting beside him.  Slightly unsure she is really seeing this, she leans over and nudges him and asks ' Is that an antelope?'.

'Yes its my pet antelope Derek' says the man.

'Why on earth have you brought him here?' asks the woman.

'Well he liked the book' says the man.

 

[Goosegirl]

A woman walks into a bar to have a drink. The barman says - sorry, pumps are off today." She says "That's ok - I'm not wearing any."

[hamstergbert]

A hippo and a rhino get a job as bar staff.

One day a llama trots in and says "Pint of Guinness please"

The hippo says to the Rhino, "That's amazing!  A talking llama!"

[cadalot]

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with glasses, "today is a rare and extraordinary day in terms of astronomy, geology, and physics."

"Huh?" says our guy, baffled.

The other guy continues, "No -- seriously. Hear me out. All of the planets in the solar system are in PERFECT alignment today. Absolutely perfect -- and THAT, my friend, means that for today and today only...gravity has reduced strength."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," returns our guy as he takes another large gulp of his beer.

"I'll prove it," says the stranger. The stranger signals our guy to follow him over to the window. The stranger than unlatches the window and both men look out and down at the tremendous height. The stranger then jumps out the window. Much to our guy's shock, the stranger -- as if he were a feather -- gently floats down toward the ground.

Once he gingerly makes contact with the pavement, the stranger waves back up towards our disbelieving guy, reenters the building and rides the elevator back to the top floor. Upon seeing the stranger reenter the bar, our guy resolves to try this amazing feat for himself.

He jumps out the window and quickly falls to his immediate death.

The man with glasses returns to his barstool and orders a whiskey. The bartender shakes his head and mutters, "you can be a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[Growster...]

Classic and hilarious, Cadders!

Thankyou!

;0)

[cadalot]

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

 Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

 "Nope, sure ain't," the man replied.

 Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

 The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[rogerbodger]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"

[New shoot]

Another Rogerbodger classic     

[grinling]

Another fabby from facebook
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors

[oldgrunge]

Mrs Oldgrunge and I loved this one!

[rogerbodger]

A brass band was engaged to play in the local park. Their contract said that they could pack up and go home if there was no audience, but if just one person was watching, they would have to play their entire one-hour programme. The band began to play, the sun was shining, and there were 80 people sitting in deckchairs enjoying the music. Within ten minutes, the heavens opened, the wind gusted, and the audience ran to take shelter...all except one man. The concert continued. Rain was lashing into the faces of the musicians, their sheet music were being blown away...but one man stubbornly remained seated.

At the end of the concert, the sodden conductor approached the man and said: 'You must really love brass band music'. The man replied: 'Not really, but I had to wait until you finished playing because it's my job to put the deckchairs away.'

[John]

If you think these forums are a bit dull - why not head over to my pal Richard Cannon's Down the Lane Forums. They had a Christmas Party a few years back

XVMu_eG8mlU

[John]

I didn't really mean you should all go 

[Growster...]

Favourite Urban Myth...(or is it..?)

A Well-Planned Retirement
(From The London Times)

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5 .

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the sunny coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million!

And no one even knows his name.