[Sparkyrog]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun –

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Age and cunning will overcome youth and technology anytime.

[Growster...]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "MAY I ASK WHAT THE TURKEY DID?"

[Blackpool rocket]

Ah, parrots........that reminds me...


Karen’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman.
 
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque”.

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog Spike. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”


When the repairman arrived at Karen’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied,

“Get him, Spike!”

[Aunt Sally]

I've removed a few recent jokes as I've had a complaint about the content.

Please don't post jokes with any smutty or sexual innuendo and none with any bad language.

Many thanks

[rogerbodger]

Bad quiz night. The Quiz Master asked us to name Bond villains.

He just wouldn't take No for an answer.

[dugless]

I've removed a few recent jokes as I've had a complaint about the content.

Please don't post jokes with any smutty or sexual innuendo and none with any bad language.

Many thanks

That just about cuts 75%  of the jokes I receive on the internet if you take out all the referrals to  Religion Politicks and  PC's  there is not much left to Joke about.

[John]

That just about cuts 75%  of the jokes I receive on the internet if you take out all the referrals to  Religion Politics and  PC's  there is not much left to Joke about.

But we know you like a challenge!!

Seriously, this is basically a gardening / food web site and we want it to be child friendly. There are lots of sites full of jokes but would you like your 8 year old niece or nephew asking what some of them meant? As for politics and religion - it always ends up in people getting hot under the collar and nastiness.

Personally I love arguing religion and politics - but this just isn't the place for them. Happily the days of Bernard Manning are gone so that's the racist and sexist stuff in the bin too.

[dugless]

I know what you mean , not sure but  a lot of 8 year old could tell you more about what they mean

[John]

So, there I was looking after my daughter. Val was out. Then the sprog asked THE QUESTION. Right, I thought, Keep Calm and answer factually and honestly and in full which was the parenting advice at the time.
So, start at the beginning and work to the end.

Of course, some background knowledge is vital to a proper understanding of the subject. Anyway, I'd just reached the really interesting part where the RNA helps the DNA double helix unwind and duplicate as part of cell mitosis when she totally lost interest.

Kids! No attention span. 

[Goosegirl]

  If you'd carried on and mentioned the word meiosis it would have been more -er- pertinent to the subject matter and they you could have explained how mummies and daddies have to get together and give their equal shares to make the full complement of chromosomes in order to make a complete baby! If that failed well - you could have always mentioned the word genes and genetic make-up. That would have perked her ears up and then you could have taken her on a shopping trip with the proviso that the subject matter was only to be discussed indoors!!! 

[John]

Ahh, shopping - a girl's favourite pass time!

[cadalot]

Re Double Entendre what you don't know can't hurt you, and if you understand it how can you pretend to be offended - ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND  there are some great examples in Disney films for the Adult audience to stop them falling asleep. 

[Goosegirl]

Well said cadalot!

[sunshineband]

Re Double Entendre what you don't know can't hurt you, and if you understand it how can you pretend to be offended - ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND  there are some great examples in Disney films for the Adult audience to stop them falling asleep.

They are not actually crude though, are they? I do find the crudity in some jokes quite difficult to deal with, personally

[Snoop]

Re Double Entendre what you don't know can't hurt you, and if you understand it how can you pretend to be offended - ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND  there are some great examples in Disney films for the Adult audience to stop them falling asleep.

They are not actually crude though, are they? I do find the crudity in some jokes quite difficult to deal with, personally

Every now and then I get to meet my niece. It's always a shock because she uses language around me and my parents that really is only suitable for use with her mates. I think the same is true of the jokes on here. It's a question of register. What's appropriate in the pub with a bunch of people you know or what you post on your own Facebook page isn't necessarily suitable for an open forum that you are not responsible for.

I'm with Sunshineband on this. I also got a bit fed up on occasions with all the jokes on the topic of the useless/nagging wife or the incompetent husband, as I think these stereotypes need knocking on the head. But I recognise that not everyone agrees and didn't think it my place to complain on this site about it.

Happily the days of Bernard Manning are gone so that's the racist and sexist stuff in the bin too.

Amen twice over to this remark by John.

All of that said, I was sorry to see that one comment that came across a bit as finger-pointing along the lines of the kind of complaint that might be made by a five-year-old ("but what about them?") set all this in motion.