[DD.]

I think that they are possibly true, as you'd be hard pressed to make some of them up!

[mumofstig]

It's like those stupid car insurance claims that were doing the rounds months ago - having worked in car insurance for a few years, they were probably all true 
 
Some of them used to have us in fits of laughter in the office

[Springlands]

The fact that there are people out there that make complaints like that make me despair of the human race completely!!

But they do make me laugh!

Yup they are enough to make anyone despair - and they keep on breeding - see no 19. 

[devonbarmygardener]

The fact that there are people out there that make complaints like that make me despair of the human race completely!!

But they do make me laugh!

Yup they are enough to make anyone despair - and they keep on breeding - see no 19. 

[dugless]

It was  mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the  man seated in the front row.
"What are my  choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she  replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworth's store but she couldn't find  one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." 

The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I  got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally  stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a  ticket.

A lorry driver was driving along on a  country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge  Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was  directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars  were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart mouthed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence  was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her  head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight bum with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....
Who shall I say is calling?"

















 
 

[Tenhens]

Where ever did you find those?   they are brilliant.

[Sparkyrog]

 

[Tenhens]

Not sure how recent this is but I thought it's worth sharing.

Scientists at the RAF built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windscreens of airliners and military jets , all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent the RAF the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the RAF scientists for suggestions.

The RAF responded with a one-line memo —

"Defrost the chicken."

[8doubles]

Recent ?

In the original they used Dodo's ! 

[8doubles]

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an

elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun

in the West.

The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him

of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some

tips?" he asked.


The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high

-- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"


"Sure will."


The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his. 44, and

shot the bow tie off the piano player !


"That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"


"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the

hammer hits it -- that’ll give you a smoother draw."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the Young man.


"You bet it will," said the old-timer.


The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun

in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.


"Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any

more tips?"


The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon."See that

can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."


The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.


"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle,

and all."


"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man.



"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the

piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your rear end, and it won't hurt as

much!

[Growster...]

Marvellous 8!

[Mar]

Dugless, the pervert on the phone had me laughing so much that my eyes were watering and snot was running from my nose - hilarious 

[John]

Dugless, the pervert on the phone had me laughing so much that my eyes were watering and snot was running from my nose - hilarious 

Too much detail! 

[Blackpool rocket]

Topical.......hope I'm allowed to post a picture.....

Br

[Sparkyrog]

Her Grandpa Decided She Was Old Enough To Know The Answer. But Nothing Prepared Him For This.
POSTED 1 DAY
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is a couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."