[rogerbodger]

My wife asked me to go to the shop and get a bottle of milk, as I was going out of the door she added "if they have eggs, get 6". When I got home, she asked why I'd got 6 bottles of milk, I answered "they had eggs". I don't understand why she's annoyed   

[Mrs Bee]

You are lucky to be in one piece.

You wouldn't be if you were mine.

I have sent my OH for a white cabbage and he has come back with a white loaf.

We never eat white bread and I make all our bread.

These days he phones if he is not sure.

[rogerbodger]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Natural Resources Ireland reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Ireland , Paddy McGinty, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless!!"

[rogerbodger]

Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a jug of water - if it floats its a boy ant 

[snowdrops]

Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in a jug of water - if it floats its a boy ant 

Oh dear

[hamstergbert]

overheard in a little French bistro:

Customer:  Oy, garçon!
Waiter:      Oui Monsieur?
Customer: There is a fly in my soup.  Look!
Waiter:      A.... fly monsieur?
Customer;  Yes, right there!  A fly!  Er,  un mouche!
Waiter:      Ah, non, monsieur! Pas un mouche, c'est une mouche.
Customer: By 'eck, you've got ruddy good eyesight!




Je vais prendre mon manteau

[rogerbodger]

Like it ... coat not necessary in my opinion

[Goosegirl]

Be aware of the cowboy firm who are currently salting the roads - they're called True Grit! 

[Growster...]

Shurely you mean 'Fruitbat fountain', Goosey...

;0)

[Kevin67]

I do try to have new/unique jokes but thought this lot was funny - I can't take credit for a single one of them but I hope you enjoy them!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When Chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period...

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded some dough.

Source: www/nikonites.com/off-topic/11373-dumb-jokes-posted-here-if-you-dare-2.html#ixzz3PfBqDl5J

[Yorkie]

Groan 

[Growster...]

Georgewas playing a round of golf with a chum, who noticed that he took his dog along with him.

When George hit a straight shot, the dog jumped up and down and wagged his tail vigorously. When he sliced his drive, the dog would bark loudly, and when he hooked the ball, the dog whimpered and whined. This went on at every shot, and the chum just had to ask him how the dog had learned to react like this.

George just shrugged, and said that he'd always done that, and probably learned the tricks himself!

So the chum then said "But what happens if you miss the ball completely then"?

George replied, "Well, he does several somersaults"!

"Blimey", said the chum, "however many does he do then"?

George replied, "Well it depends on how hard I kick him up the @rse.."!

[rogerbodger]

A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia.

None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity. His teacher liked him even less, always yelling at him "You're driving me mad Bruce".

One day Bruce's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved him to a different school.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!




Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon? Sometimes I worry about you

[LotuSeed]

hgG_Gci8op0

[rogerbodger]

When I was a boy, my mum would send me down to the corner shop with a ten bob note. I would come home with 6 eggs, two loaves of bread, 5lb of potatoes, two pints of milk and a pound of butter.
 
You can't do that now... too many security cameras!