[yorky]

An elderly Bosnian man who lived on the outskirts of sarajevo went to his local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional box, the man said:

"Father, during the Balkan war in the 90s , an incredibly beautiful young Slav woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Serbian militia. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

The man continued: "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was quite a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that ?" asked the priest.......


"Should I tell her the war is over ?"

[hamstergbert]

I knew this real tough chicken.
He had been a bad egg when he was younger.
His disappointed mother said "If your father could see you now he'd turn over in his gravy...."


An eccentric poultry farmer drove around in a cart pulled by a team of cockerels led by a hen that was twice the usual size.  One day he was out driving and the hen slipped its harness and ran away, at which all the cockerels sat down and refused to move. An RAC man found him stranded on the side of the road and examined the team of cockerels and the empty lead harness and nodded knowingly.  "Ah!" he said.  "Your big hen's gone".

[Chrysalis]

I was attacked by a mime artist - he performed unspeakable acts on me.....

[Yorkie]

  indeed

 

[grinling]

From "The Men in the Ministry"

Sorry I'm late, but I had a problem with my back.......it didn't want to get up from the mattress

[rogerbodger]

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

[grinling]

What's worn under the kilt?

Nothing....it is all in perfect order


C/O  Betty Witherspoon Show

[DanielCoffey]

I had to think about that one but got it in the end. I had to place the emphasis on the "worn".

[hamstergbert]

There are 10 different types of people : those who operate in binary and those who don't.

[rogerbodger]

A man is sitting at the bar with an empty glass. The barman says to him, 'Would you like another one?' The man replies, 'Why the hell would I want another empty glass?'

[JayG]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

++

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never seen herbivore.

++

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

[Chrysalis]

 

[Tenhens]

Like those ,  JayG

They remind me of Tim Vine's humour , which is where the following have come from.


Phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

 "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

 "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

[Aunt Sally]

Brilliant, Ten hens,.  Very Jack Benny 

[Tenhens]

Here's some more from Mr Vine

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

 I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...

' So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."