[DD.]

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up." 

[juliec]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."
   
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
   
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
   
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich     please?"
   
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."
   
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
   
The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.
   
 The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you?

Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
   
"Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."
   
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
   
"I'm always looking for the next job, Where is it?" Says the duck.

"At the circus", Says the barman.
   
"The circus?", Repeats the duck.
   
"That's right",  Replies the barman.
   
"The circus?" The duck asks again, "With the big tent?"
   
"Yeah," the barman replies.
   
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who
live in caravans?" says the duck.
   
"Of course," sez the barman.
   
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
   
 "That's right!" says the barman.

 The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...
 


"What would they want with a plasterer??!"

[yorky]

I broke wind in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.

[yorky]

Old Men Can Think Fast

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding up the bucket, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast!

[Jamie Butterworth]

The other day i was wondering why Frisbee's seem to get bigger as them get closer to you...

....then it hit me.

[Paul Plots]

The other day i was wondering why Frisbee's seem to get bigger as them get closer to you...

....then it hit me.

Duck!!! You're quackers not to. 

[arugula]

David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one. The patient replies:
           
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
           
Mr. Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
       
Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Mr. Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"  "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

 

[mumofstig]

  

[joyfull]

 

[JayG]

Nice one Argyllie (albeit a bit tricky to memorise and pass on!)   

[mrs bouquet]

I broke wind in a lift...

It was wrong on so many levels.

    Oh - you are awful, but funny -     Mrs Bouquet

[plum crumble]

Argyllie - that is great!!!!! I nearly snorted tea through my nose!!!

[Aunt Sally]

 

[Y.E.A.H]

 

[elibump]