[Aunt Sally]

 

Two great jokes 

[GTFC197]

Told you I could be good!

Well, sometimes.

[Aunt Sally]

Keep it up me dear 

[mumofstig]

Keep it up me dear 

  

[Y.E.A.H]

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."

"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"

[Trillium]

Here's  a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
 
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you -
But will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this c**p about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.
 
This is so simple that it's brilliant.
 
I can see it now:
you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

[Aunt Sally]

I certainly wouldn't want the be an airport cleaning lady 

[JamPan]

Oh dear, that made me laugh rather more than was seemly.

[Springlands]

Oh dear, that made me laugh rather more than was seemly.

The best ones always do 

[Y.E.A.H]

another one i made up 

what do you call a piece of plastic that's sings very quickly for a living.....

a rapper

[Bizzi Lizzi]

another one i made up 

what do you call a piece of plastic that's sings very quickly for a living.....

a rapper

tee-he!!!

[GTFC197]

My mother-in-law has been missing for 2 weeks now,   and the police have told us to prepare for the worst,





So, I've been to the charity shop to get all her belongings back.

[Paul Plots]

My mother-in-law has been missing for 2 weeks now,   and the police have told us to prepare for the worst,


So, I've been to the charity shop to get all her belongings back.

       You and my OH would get one well!

I once had to go down to the town to buy something back as it was decided that I didn't want / need it any more.  :blink: It always amazes me how it's my junk things that "we" decide are not needed... rather than the OH's 

[Dellie]

Hope this one hasn't appeared before -

A woman walks into the Whitfield benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'
'They are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all of your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he's Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one, he's also Terry.'

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Just what's going on? Are they ALL named the same or what?'

Their Mother replied, 'Well, aye - it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just shout 'Terry!' When it's time for their dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an they all come
runnin.' An if I need to stop the wean who's running into the street, I just bawl 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's well the smartest idea I've ever had, namin them all the same eh?'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE child to come, and not the whole lot, what do you do?'

The Mother looks at her agog and says..... 'I call them by their surnames!

[Dellie]

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER