The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!

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pigeonpie

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #795 on: August 28, 2010, 16:27 »
Ha ha ha, love the last of those blonde jokes!!!


I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't.


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pigeonpie

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #796 on: August 28, 2010, 16:44 »
And now a few for the girls...

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.

Women over thirty are at their best, but men over thirty are too old to recognise it

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved"

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90

And finally...

What's the best way for a woman to get rid of excess fat?
Divorce him.


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hamstergbert

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #797 on: August 28, 2010, 20:39 »
"Do you wakke up grumpy in the mornings?"
"No, I usually just let him sleep."



The death bed scene.
"Darling, when I go, and I am fading fast, I want you to remarry.{cough cough}"
"Don't be silly darling, you are going to get better!"
"No, I feel I am going.  Like I say, I want you to remarry.{cough cough}  Promise me?"
"You are being silly, but to calm you then, yes, I promise that if - and it is not going to happen of course, but IF you should die, I will meet your wishes and remarry.  Eventually."
"Good.  I want you to promise that affter you remarry you will give her all my jewellery too."
"Oh, darling, you really are a silly!  However, to keep you calm I agree, reluctantly, that if, and it is a huge if, IF you should in fact.....pass away then yes, I will remarry and yes, if you insist, I will give her your jewellery too.  Not that it is going to happen."
"Fine. {cough, cough}  And I want you to give her my little car too."
"I don't suppost there is any point in trying to argue is there? No.  Okay, darling, if, and boy is that an absolutley immense if, IF you should in fact pass over and join the choir invisible then yes in accordance with your wishes I will, reluctantly, remarry eventually, and if, I mean when I do I will pass on your jewellery as you instruct and I suppose, OK, well, yes I will pass on your little car too."
"Thank you darling. {cough cough}  I am getting weaker now, I can fell myself slipping away.  Just one thing, sweetheart.  When you remarry and give your new wife all my jewellery {cough cough} and my little car, {cough} just promise me you won't let her wear any of my clothes!"
"Oh, don't worry, darling, I won't.  Besides, they don't fit her..."



and just one more blonde joke....

A blonde boards the aeroplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to the standard seating area because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again refuses, saying, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the pilot.
The pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the standard seating section. The head stewardess asks the pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the aeroplane wasn't going to Jamaica."



The Dales - probably fingerprint marks where God's hand touched the world

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GTFC197

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #798 on: August 29, 2010, 11:31 »
Another Blonde is sitting in a seat on a plane, a man walks up to her and says,

"That's my seat, move," >:(

"No it isn't", says the blonde, :(

"I'm telling you, that is my seat," said the man very angrily, >:( >:(

"I'm not moving, go find yourself another seat, " said the blonde adamantly, :( :(

" OK," the man shouted at her, :mad:

" you fly the plane, then" :mad: :mad: :mad:

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GTFC197

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #799 on: August 29, 2010, 11:34 »
I hate women that wear loads of makeup. >:(

My ex-wife has just the right amount of foundation on her face,




She's buried under the house!! :D :D :D

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horsepooisgood

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #800 on: August 29, 2010, 20:18 »
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .
Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


--------------------------------------------------------------------


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"



---o0o---



On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."



----o0o---



On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."



----o0o---


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."



---o0o---



"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



---o0o---


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



---o0o---


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."



---o0o---



From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."



---o0o---



"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."



---o0o---



Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."



----o0o---


"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



---o0o---



"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."



---o0o---


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"



---o0o---



Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town :The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



---o0o---



Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



---o0o---



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."



---o0o---



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



---o0o---


After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."



---o0o---



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."



---o0o---



Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."



---o0o---


A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

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Bizzi Lizzi

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #801 on: August 29, 2010, 23:28 »
 A man went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

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Bizzi Lizzi

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #802 on: August 29, 2010, 23:36 »
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear

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8doubles

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #803 on: August 30, 2010, 11:08 »
Kulula Airlines was laugh out loud funny, an airline with humour. :D

I like the plane , http://www.psfk.com/2010/02/kulula-airplane-rebranding.html

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evie2

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #804 on: August 30, 2010, 12:03 »
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Very funny, this is going on the staffroom notice board when we go back to school  :lol: :lol: :lol:
May this day be blessed with gifts, understanding and friends.  Merlin 2001-2012 Pandora 2001-2013 xxx

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agingchick

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #805 on: August 31, 2010, 21:46 »
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
I use to be indecisive now I'm not so sure

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Bizzi Lizzi

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #806 on: September 01, 2010, 10:24 »
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


These are just soooooo true yet very funny. :D

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davethespread

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #807 on: September 01, 2010, 17:56 »
Mary had a little lamb,

but she ended up putting that in the bin too
i dont suffer with insanity..........i enjoy every minute of it.

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JayG

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #808 on: September 02, 2010, 08:31 »
Reading an article in the Radio Times has reminded me of an incident which happened to me many years ago:

I worked shifts at the time, on this occasion it was the day shift, starting at 0600.

I woke up in a panic at quarter past six, having already overslept once that week!
Threw clothes on, threw a couple of slices of bread and cheese into the lunchbox, and raced the 10 miles to work ignoring all speed limits whilst rehearsing my excuses.

It was only when I walked into the office and noticed that it was a different shift on duty that I realised that I had already done my day shift that day but was so knackered I'd gone back to bed for a couple of hours and woken up thinking it was the next day!

That took quite a bit of living down I can tell you (I had already achieved some sort of notoriety having overslept for both an afternoon shift and a night shift!!)  :nowink:

Sow your seeds, plant your plants. What's the difference? A couple of weeks or more when answering possible queries!

One of the best things about being an orang-utan is the fact that you don't lose your good looks as you get older

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joyfull

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Re: The Daily Funny - Give us a Laugh!
« Reply #809 on: September 02, 2010, 08:33 »
 :lol: :lol: poor you
Staffies are softer than you think.



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